Newsreaders (2013) s02e04 Episode Script

Biscayne: Tonight on "Newsreaders" we'll meet the man with the world's most awkward fist-bump.
Also, the five-second rule It's okay to eat food that's been on the ground for less than five seconds.
But does that same rule apply to soup? All that and s'mores [muffled.]
Today on "Newsreaders.
" Newsreaders - 02x05 Roswell, New Mexico Newsreaders - 02x05 Skip Goes to a Wedding Roswell, New Mexico some call it the Alien Capital of the world.
But is it all a hoax, like postpartum depression? Or can it be proven, like the existence of God? Sadee Deenus will let you know after she does a couple of interviews and stuff.
You know the deal.
Roswell, New Mexico.
Extra-terrestrials have been coming here for years.
Some say they come here for the dry heat, which is good for alien arthritis.
Others say they don't know why the aliens come here, so why ask? What are you, trying to write a book or something? But others, like local comic-book-store owner Pat Fenis, say something totally different.
Roswell is no more infested with aliens than a pre-justice - League Batman comic.
- I don't get the reference, mainly because I'm pretty and I work out.
Oh, of course.
Sorry.
Aliens don't exist.
Roswell's just a normal, ordinary town with one little - quirk.
- There's no whole foods? No, we got a whole foods express inside the - Barnes & Noble.
- So, Roswell is just an - ordinary town.
- It's not an ordinary town.
- Roswell is haunted.
- With aliens.
No.
Aliens don't haunt.
They invade, they infest, or they visit.
Sometimes, they come from a dying planet to become superheroes.
- I don't - Superman.
- Oh.
- Jesus Christ.
- You're American, right? - Superman.
Nan Raft heads the Roswell Board of tourism, and she disputes pat's allegations Except about the whole foods.
Pat Fenis has a wonky spine and wears orthopedic reeboks.
- And his lips are always wet.
- No, I know.
He's like this he does like (Lips smacking) Like, that sound.
It's, like, gross.
He's, like, gross.
So, I think it's safe to say that Roswell is teeming with - aliens.
- What evidence do you have to - support that claim? - Besides the reeboks? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, I think it's important for all Americans to come here and see for themselves.
And if nothing happens during their trip, well, then, they still get to walk away with a t-shirt, a bumper sticker, and great memories of all the good people they've met here.
I sat down with some of these great-memories providers at a local diner called Biscuits and Greys-Vy to get to the bottom - of this alien/ghost debate.
- Ghosts? Yes.
Please.
Listen, here's the story.
One night, I was in my store, little green menswear a big and tall shop for men who are short and small and all of a sudden, it got real cold, and all these flies appeared on all the windows.
And I hear a voice that is definitely an extra-terrestrial's voice say, - "get out.
" - I'm not an expert, Wayne, but that sounds to me like a classic encounter with a ghost.
Well, I would agree.
You are not an expert.
I've had direct contact with an E.
T.
- Oh.
- I was up late one night, working on pottery wheel, listening to "Unchained Melody.
" And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, an alien presence comes behind me, slides its arms around me.
We fell in love.
He stayed till the end of the - song, helped me make that pot.
- Very moving.
That sounds like a famous scene from the movie "Ghost.
" You're right about one thing.
It was a real tear-jerker of a - close encounter.
- Everybody's got stories like that.
I was down at the space bar on Trivia Night, getting housed on shockers.
One minute, I'm enjoying my favorite spiced liqueur, the next, I'm down at some alien's trailer over on Greensboro, getting probed by him and one of his alien buddies - For five hours.
- Wes, that wasn't any aliens.
You just hooked up with a couple of dudes.
- God damn it, Wayne! - Dude, you were hooking up - with a couple of dudes! - Just because I'm gay, I can't - get abducted by aliens? - Why don't you grow up? Not every gay man is obsessed with anal sex, okay? Well, but you are obsessed with anal sex.
- And there's nothing wrong - Yes, I am, but the two don't cancel each other out.
I can be obsessed with anal sex and then also get anally probed by aliens.
There are no aliens.
This place is lousy with ghosts.
- How can you be sure? - All of Roswell is built on top of a massive mescalero burial ground.
Plus, there's that old insane asylum that's now a hotel.
There's a Victorian orphanage where all those kids died in a fire.
So, then, why all the alien hoo-ha? Look at the economy of Roswell.
Who would stand to benefit from drumming up all this alien nonsense? Follow the money.
Okay, "follow the money" from the movie "All the President's Men"? Ah! Yes! Right.
- Cuba Gooding Jr.
- No.
Follow the money, Tom Cruise! Follow the money! Kind of racist.
You know what? You just need to go talk to Nan Raft.
- She runs the tourism board.
- Oh, God.
Do I have to? I already talked to her.
Look, can, uh Can we speak off the record? We can speak off the record, but I'm gonna keep these cameras - running.
- There are no aliens, okay? - Roswell is haunted.
- Then why the hoax? Why all the alien stuff? - Why not just call it a "Ghost Town"? - Nobody wants to come here to be haunted.
And the margins on the ghost Souvenirs aren't anywhere near as good as the alien stuff.
We are hurting for cash.
We're having a hard time even - attracting a decent whole foods.
- One thing's for sure The thing causing the biggest disturbance on Roswell is the almighty dollar Literally.
After our interview with Nan Raft, we stumbled across this a trail of coins.
The mischief makers in Roswell aren't ghosts or aliens.
You need only follow the money to see that Roswell, New Mexico, is infested with leprechauns.
And if you don't believe there's a pot of gold glowing under a rainbow at the end of this trail, well, you'll just have to see for yourself.
And while you're here, stop by Sadee O'Deenus' pub for a pint of ale.
Tuesday night's karaoke and Thursday night's trivia night.
For "Newsreaders," I'm Sadee Deenus.
Biscayne: Aliens are a big business, but nothing like the wedding business.
The wedding industry is a $72 billion-a-year business.
And we sent Skip reming to take us inside the modern wedding.
Skip? Thank you, blond Louis.
What passes for nuptials these days would have our founding fathers rubbing their names off the Declaration of Independence.
Even that fluffy show-off hancock.
To get the low-down on modern nuptials, I popped a squat with wedding planner Emily Kovicks.
I got into the business because I'm just a wedding nut.
Hey, speaking of nuts, you know, before they named them Cashews, we used to call them Wooden Ears.
And don't even ask what we called Boiled Filberts.
- (Chuckles awkwardly) - (Laughs) So, tell me, why all the hoo-ha about weddings? Well, it's, you know, an opportunity for the couple to debut themselves as married for the first time.
- It's really special.
- Why can't people just get pregnant, shotgun it, and then keep the baby in the cellar for nine months until they can join a good church like we used to? Uh, well, it's Weddings are a chance for, you know, a couple to really express their personalities.
Ah, and who bought you, sister? Huh? You got a man you can express yourself against come nightfall? Hmm? I have a boyfriend.
It's been only six months, so - we're not married.
- Well, then, you're still game.
Um No.
I'm not g-game for anything.
- Well, it was a thought.
- Yeah Emily was kind enough to let us tag along to one of the weddings that she had planned.
Wait a minute, there's two boys on top of that cake.
That's not right, is it? You have to fix that.
Fortunately, we were able to find another wedding nearby, one that God wouldn't have a problem with.
Uh, no, thanks, Susan B.
Anthony.
I'll wait for the man parker.
There's nothing about weddings that's familiar anymore.
Men go to couple showers and to bachelor parties where they drink cocktails that all end in "Tini" and don't start with gin, instead of getting their faces all glazed up like a box of doughnuts.
Hey, if I wanted scotch, I would have ordered it with a lisp.
A real whiskey comes from one place and one place Canada.
Now, come on, son, let's start that fire in my belly! Come on.
Modern weddings.
It's all gone to hell.
Are you with the bride or groom? - I'm with the press, kiddo.
- The press? The anglican press, not those wop reporters standing in the back.
That's the groom's family.
Oh, this is a Dago affair? Good thing I brought my knife.
(Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" plays) These days, the bride walks herself down the aisle, and priests and rabbis work together, like in some kind of pulpy, dime-store, science-fiction book.
The only time a priest and a rabbi should ever be together is when they walk into a bar.
(Laughs) A reading from the Apache wedding prayer.
The only Apache I ever knew was a wrestler by the name of Apache Joe, and he was a Mexican.
And I vow to listen Not only with my ears, but also - with my heart.
- Ha ha.
I will not be shushed by a Methodist.
The wedding reception is still a place where you can get cockeyed, and, if you're lucky, dip your giggle stick into some lucky skirt's dillypot.
Skip reming's the name, and the bathtub is always warm in room 206.
- (Glass clinking) - Excuse me.
- I'm the best man.
- Oh, here's the best-man speech.
I hope you girls like stories about getting the crabs and almost drowning.
- (Laughs) - (Clears throat) Anyway, um, I met Brian the first day of YMCA basketball camp.
Ah, here comes the bit where he lets the father of the bride know that his son-in-law doesn't shoot blanks.
(Laughs) I have a family of my own now Come on! Get to the titty stories! Sir, you're gonna have to leave.
I'm not leaving till the bride's face is covered with frosting and not a second before.
I'm not gonna ask you again.
Well, you won't be able to after I make a necklace out of your tongue.
Judo! Ow! Oh, you.
I shot men in the jungle, you police academy reject.
Room 206! Biscayne: Tonight, humorist Jim Davidson is here with his segment, "things that make you go 'Jim.
'" - Jim? - You know, some people like to chew a stick of gum.
I know I do from time to time.
Other people like to pop a piece of candy.
The big question is, which is better? Gum versus candy, the battle begins right now.
All right, let's start with gum.
You chew it, and then when you're done with it, you still have it and you throw it away.
Candy, you chew it and then it's gone.
- So, I guess gum's better.
- Biscayne: Thanks, Jim.
Coming up next week on "Newsreaders" we'll meet the first human to be infected with a computer virus.
So, you take one of these twice a day? Mm-hmm.
- Biscayne: I'm Reagan Biscayne.
Good night.