Nightcap (2016) s02e04 Episode Script

1 A Pop original series.
[upbeat music.]
Todd, you've been making some interesting food choices lately.
Are you eating your feelings? Can I have one of your feelings? I like the powdered ones.
No, they're not feelings.
They're doughnuts.
- Oh.
- I have to eat all of them.
I have to gain as much weight as quickly as possible for Jimmy.
Does he want your skin? Probably.
They're making shoes out of human skin in Russia.
No, he needs to use my excess fat.
He's trying to plump up his hands.
Well, they are unnaturally petite for a man his size.
Yeah, he's, like, got little doll hands.
Hello.
Hello.
Good morning.
Hi.
Um, what? What? I have lipstick on my teeth? Oh! Oh, you star-fuckers.
Yes, this is Julianne Moore.
Hi, everybody.
[All:.]
Hi, Julianne Moore.
Ms.
Moore is writing, directing, and starring in a movie, and she's following our fearless leader for research.
- Jimmy? - No.
Staci.
Why? Is it about loneliness? It's about a talent booker who ends up marrying a very rich, successful director.
Or commits suicide.
- [All:.]
Oh.
- I don't think so.
I don't It's not suicide.
No, I don't think we're I don't think she commits suicide.
Okay, well, we'll see.
I'm just gonna watch.
I just have been on so many of these late-night talk shows, and I feel like the real story happens back here with women like Staci.
Successful, stylish, independent women living in a man's world.
Well, I'm just gonna be here.
I'm just gonna be observing.
So please pay no attention to me and go on with, um, your What do you call this? - Morning meeting.
- Aw.
Morning meeting that is so adorable and so basic.
I'm gonna write that down.
All right, well, we have a great show tonight.
We have "Shark Tank's" Barbara Corcoran.
Um, I just wanted to say that you were incredible in "Far from Heaven.
" Oh, my God, and your hair in "The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2" - incredible.
- Thank you.
I liked "Boogie Nights.
" They showed it at my church, so they had to cut out all of the dirty parts.
It was really short.
Sure.
Um hi.
Can we just be professional here? Thank you.
[breathes deeply.]
What are you writing? "Control issues.
" Just go on.
I'm not here.
- All right - Ignore me.
We also have comedian Kerry Coddett.
So that'll be fun 'cause I love to laugh.
I love to laugh! [laughing.]
[sighs.]
And we also have root beer pong.
Jimmy's gonna be playing it at the end of the show.
- Nice.
- So, you know, Julianne If you want to know what Staci's actually like, just see me after the meeting.
- Okay.
- Okay.
That will not be necessary.
You will not speak to Julianne.
- [muttering to herself.]
- Oh, what are you "Authoritative, possible racist.
" Oh, no, no, no, I am not racist.
No, no, no, Malik is a nasty woman.
Um, Davis and I are best friends.
We are? We are homeys.
- Ugh.
- Yes, yes.
Okay, well, it's gonna be a great show.
So, as I say every morning, go out, Godspeed, and remember, I am always here if you need me.
Thank you.
I would, um I would cross out "racist" and put in "supportive of her employees.
" - Are you gonna write it? - I don't think so.
- I would write it.
- I'm not going to.
- Oh, I think you should.
- No, I'm not going to.
Okay, let's go have some coffee.
From Studio 9B in the heart of New York City, it's "Nightcap with Jimmy.
" Tonight fresh out of the shark tank, Barbara Corcoran.
She's got big hair and big jokes comedienne Kerry Coddett.
The drinking game even alcoholics can enjoy root beer pong.
And now, number five in the ratings but number one in our hearts, Here's Jimmy.
I see you're really busy, but we need to talk.
Oh.
You want some grapes? Are your hands clean? I want to discuss the show's security.
- With me? - It's your department.
What would you like to discuss? It's abysmal.
In the past two months in this building, property theft is up 317%.
My God, this is terrifying.
It is.
Last week someone stabbed the shish kebab vendor right outside this building.
I don't want to blame the victim, but his meat tastes a lot like rat.
I'm gonna need you to take some initiative.
Figure out some ways to bolster security and get back to me with some ideas.
Okay.
Well, now who's stealing? Hey, Double Dragons, I need the most fattening food you have.
Let me guess Jimmy wants to inject your fat into his tiny hands.
Damn, Miss Cleo.
Why didn't he want my fat? I have milky skin, no moles.
Actually, I did notice something on your back - in the tub the other day.
- What? Hey, "Shining" twins, I need the fattening food.
Well, if you want the good stuff, it's in the stars dressing rooms.
They like to look at it and reminisce about carbs.
Oh.
Hey, how you doing? I'm Todd.
I'm Jimmy's best friend.
I'm gonna grab some of your food here.
H-ho, jackpot.
Whoo! [grunts.]
You're a rude one.
What, do you live in a barn? No, I was raised in a standard house.
You better slow down.
Slow down right now, or you're gonna choke to death.
You're gonna make yourself sick.
Mm-mm.
I have to gain weight 'cause I'm giving my fat to Jimmy.
He's got small hands.
Well, I do know someone else with small hands Mr.
Wonderful.
You call Donald Trump "Mr.
Wonderful"? No, you moron.
Mr.
Wonderful from "Shark Tank.
" By the way, I find him very sexy.
Well, of course you would find him sexy.
- You're just the type.
- Oh.
What are you getting in return? You're giving him your fat.
What are you getting in return from this guy? What do you mean? Nothing.
That's not good negotiating.
What, are you a moron? He's a moron, I guess, right? - Yeah.
Mm-mm.
Jimmy said that next time we go up to his Hamptons beach house, I can finally use the Jet Ski.
Use the Jet Ski? Is that what you said? He should be giving you the Jet Ski.
You've got something he wants.
That's a sellers' market.
Name your price.
What's wrong with you? Wait a second.
You're right.
Of course I'm right.
I'm Barbara Corcoran.
That's one of the many reasons I'm everyone's favorite shark.
Ah people like Jaws.
Time to get out of here, and leave that food behind.
Wait a minute.
Leave that cake right here.
Leave that cake right here.
[telephone ringing in the distance.]
Oh, hey, Penny.
Oh, you didn't get me a teddy bear.
What, am I five years old? Oh, no, it's from Julianne.
- [whispering.]
Is she gone? - Kind of.
She felt that her presence was affecting your ability to act naturally.
Oh, screw her.
So she sent this nanny cam bear to monitor your every move.
Oh, my God.
Redheads are brilliant.
Thank you for being so considerate, Julianne.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey hey, girlfriend.
Right.
Okay, listen, I know you told me, like, a million times that you didn't want me to set you up on a date.
Oh, I never said that.
I love dating.
You hate dating.
You told me that you'd rather stay home with a bag of marshmallows and your neck massager.
Okay, well, that's true.
But I have a new, positive outlook on life, and I would love to date.
I would love to welcome love into my life.
You do? Because when I asked you if wanted to be set up on a date, you told me to mind my own fucking business.
I didn't say "fucking.
" I said, "Don't mind your business.
" You left out the "don't mind.
" So you're gonna go on this date this afternoon? Oh, Jesus, what time? I'm swamped.
[scoffs.]
It's just coffee, Staci.
Hey, Staci loves coffee and dating.
I do.
I'm in.
Thank you so much for thinking about me, Malik.
Okay.
Oh Okay.
Okay! Okay.
Sista! [lively trumpet music.]
Okay, I think the best form of security is a moat.
If we just put a lot of water around our building, nobody from 57th Street can even get in, 'cause they won't want to get their clothes wet.
And we can fill it with alligators and those flesh-eating fish.
Um I was thinking more in terms of some security cameras or a metal detector.
- I could get a gun.
- No.
You are not getting a gun.
You don't trust me with a gun? I don't trust you with a walkie-talkie.
Ugh.
I just dropped one walkie-talkie off of the rafters and gave one person one tiny concussion.
It wasn't just a person.
It was a toddler.
Well, exactly.
It was a tiny concussion.
Okay.
Fine.
I'll give you the background test for prospective gun owners, and we'll see how great you do on that one.
Do you think I need a number-two pencil for that? Well, Donny Deutsch, this has been really great.
I think I should get back to the office.
No, no, no rush.
I know you're probably worried about me, because you think, you know, big-time ad guy, TV personality.
I carved out some time for you, so you don't have to worry about it.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
No, this is kind of fun.
You know, I don't usually like to talk about my money, but, um, people think sometimes that, you know, when you're rich, it's hard, and, oh, my God, and No.
It's so weird.
It's so easy for me.
I just touch things, - and the money pours in.
- Wow.
Sometimes I don't even have to touch them all the way.
I just kind of have to put the tip in a little bit.
Okay.
All right.
I'm gonna get the check.
Oh, no, don't get the check.
No, no.
- This is gonna blow you away.
- Oh.
Yeah, you're 59.
No, you would, like, think [chuckles.]
No, you would think I was, like I heard you're funny.
That's why you did that.
You're funny, and funny is good.
I think funny for women is great, 'cause sometimes not all women don't all have it all.
Okay, meanwhile Okay, let me explain something to you, okay? That's 29.
I guarantee if we called her over, she's 29.
I could hit that in a heartbeat.
Honey? Want me to show you? No, I don't want No, just as, like, a clinical While I'm here having a meal with you? Yes.
No, no.
By the way, I'm here with you.
I could have that, but I have actually chosen - Oh, my God.
- No, I want you to feel good.
No, no, I've chosen I'm not getting up now and going there.
No, no, you're not getting this.
This is a compliment.
- Thank you? - And I am here with you.
I'm sorry.
We got off track.
So I like to work out.
Yes, yes, you told me that.
- I can see that.
- Excuse me.
Ms.
Cole? Um, this just arrived from Julianne Moore.
Oh, Jesus.
Hi, thanks for coming.
I'm Donny, by the way.
- Nice to meet you.
- And this is - Staci.
- Staci, Staci.
You're so friendly, Donny.
I'm having fun.
This is a fun date.
But you know what happens a lot of times in restaurants? I kind of wait to sense it, 'cause people know about my body and stuff, and sometimes people are expecting me to get a little more comfortable.
Oh, my God.
You're not taking your shirt off in a restaurant, right? No, the undergarment is still on, but this is Look at you.
You know, when you're in the public eye and you start morphing into what people expect - This is kind of something.
- That's amazing.
I've never been on a tank top date before.
It's fun and whimsical for all of us girls here.
It is.
And sometimes we go out dancing.
This is so fun, just going on a date, just once of Staci's dates.
- Right.
Okay, one more thing.
- What? Souvenir, souvenir for you.
Get your camera out.
- Okay.
- Come on, let's go.
- What am I doing? - Come on.
This is for your friends, 'cause they're never gonna believe you went out with me.
I'm gonna put it in a frame in my office.
[smooches.]
[camera shutter clicks.]
From our date.
[groaning.]
Mmm.
[groaning.]
I'm thinking Jimmy should get me a Jet Ski.
Jet Skis are boring.
What about a self-driving car? Oh, yeah, those are cool.
But if I run someone over with it, who goes to jail me or the car? - The car.
- Awesome.
- What's awesome? - Todd is trying to figure out what to get from Jimmy for his fat.
Um, I would hand him a Sephora catalog and be like, "One of everything, please.
" [grunting goofily.]
- I don't know what - Todd I'm not sure about this whole fat-transferring thing.
What does your doctor say about it? I haven't talked to any doctor.
Jimmy tells me I'll be fine.
No, Todd, you have to talk to somebody about it.
It's not a joke.
I don't have a doctor.
Then you need to fine one.
Where do I find a doctor? Oh, yeah.
I know a guy.
[cheers and applause.]
So what happens in menopause is not only depletion of sex hormones like estrogen and progesterone, but a compromised thyroid [grunts.]
Oh, me.
I'm not taking questions quite yet.
All right, so some women experience hot flashes.
They get weight gain.
Then there's vaginal atrophy.
I'll be super quick, man.
[clears throat.]
Where'd you get that microphone from? Oh, "Nightcap" next door.
I work there.
I'm, like, best friends with Jimmy.
I'm trying to shoot my show.
Oh, yeah, you're doing a great job.
- You're killing it, man.
- [chuckles.]
[sighs.]
What's the question? Um, is donating fat to another person dangerous? We're talking about menopause.
What does that have to do with menopause? All right, uh, if a 50-year-old lady donates her fat to another 50-year-old lady, is that dangerous? Yeah, it's dangerous.
You can get vein clots in your legs.
They can fly up to your lungs.
It's called a pulmonary embolism.
You can die from that.
That's not a good idea.
- What? - Yeah.
No, I don't want to die.
All right, I'm gonna tell Jimmy I'm not gonna do the surgery.
Hey, thanks, Dr.
Oz.
You know what? You truly are a wonderful wizard.
Okay, I got to get back to work.
Sorry about that.
Excuse me.
Sorry about that.
I thought we had security here.
[lively trumpet music.]
Are you ready for your gun safety test results? [gum balls clattering.]
Question one When handling firearms, always assume every firearm to be loaded.
You wrote, "No, look down the barrel and see what's what.
" Oh, I also should've put, "You can shine a light down there, too.
" My bad.
Question two: "It is okay to be reckless with your firearm "as long as you know how to handle it and feel confident using it.
" You just drew a picture of yourself shooting two Uzis in the air.
Yeah, but look how confident my face is.
You didn't get any of these correct, not a single one.
You didn't even fill in your name correctly.
Sometimes I spell it F-I-L-L, 'cause it's whimsical.
Please look in to additional security cameras.
Think about a metal detector.
Hell, I'll even take a moat at this point.
But whatever you do, forget about getting a gun.
Do you understand? Jeez, you anti-gun nuts are so intense.
Here take some chewy balls.
They taste great, and they never dissolve.
[chewing loudly.]
Okay, guys, I don't usually like to reveal myself so early in the process, but I think that I have something with this Staci character, but I need your honest feedback.
Okay? Just be please, please, completely honest.
- Totally.
- Okay.
All right.
Um [clears throat.]
This is a phone, okay? Okay.
Karen, you got to get me Matt Damon.
[sighs.]
You got to be fucking kidding me.
You got to be fucking kidding me! Yes.
No, no, Karen, please, please.
No, no, I'm no, I understand.
I totally understand, but listen, Karen [whispering.]
See, the show is my life.
Kerry, I have to talk to you about your set.
Sure, sure, but check this out.
Julianne Moore is work-shopping a new character some crazy woman that works here, I guess.
You can't? You really can't? Maybe next time? [groans.]
Okay, bye.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
That was [applause.]
- Ridiculous.
- I thought so.
- I thought I had it, but - I mean when you put the effortless beauty aside, - it really felt like Staci.
- Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, Julianne Moore, I need to speak to you right now.
Okay, Julianne Moore, I need to speak to you right now.
In private.
I need to speak to you in private.
Stop doing [applause.]
What are you doing here? Oh, hi, Sonya.
I need one of those teddy bear cameras like Staci has in her office.
Why you look so pale and weak? Well, the weak part is because my body doesn't make muscle.
No, fool.
Why weak like sad? Oh.
Some know-it-all thinks I'm doing a bad job in security.
Security? [chuckles.]
Nothing's secure.
Nothing.
I want to beef up security around here, but for some reason, they won't let me have a gun.
I started carrying a gun when I was nine.
Was with the secret police when I was 11.
Killed three enemies of the state when I was 15.
- Had to miss my prom.
- [both:.]
Mm.
Wait here.
A crossbow? Mm, from "The Walking Dead" sketch.
You know how to use? Yeah, Daryl's my favorite character.
Ooh, I am sensing a rise in testosterone, and it isn't me.
[deep voice.]
I'm sensing a spike in something myself.
Impressive, Phil.
Oh, God, I never felt more like who I am until I held this in my arms.
- [Both:.]
Listen to me.
- I am at the end of my rope.
I have let you shadow me, and you've just made me feel bad.
I want it to stop! Oh, that's it.
That's the end of my movie - a mental breakdown.
- No, no, no.
[Both:.]
This is not a mental breakdown.
This is me having had enough of Julianne Moore.
- I want you gone! - Gone! [click.]
[gasps.]
[normal voice.]
My bad! - Ow! - Oh, Jesus.
I will dispose of the weapon.
Oh, that looks Jesus.
I can't go to jail again.
[monitor beeping.]
I'm setting up cameras around the studio to watch you.
Well, joke's on you.
I like being watched.
Enjoy the show.
Oh, my God, she's coming to, she's coming to.
Do we have our stories straight? Phil shot her in the chest with a crossbow.
Right.
[inhales deeply, groans softly.]
There's my freckle-faced girl.
[Both:.]
Hi.
Ah, you're so pretty.
- It hurts so much.
- I know.
And a long, complicated lawsuit won't make you heal any faster.
[grunts haltingly.]
That is not me being racist.
I know, Staci.
You're a good person.
I know.
I'm not gonna sue.
I'm not gonna sue, you guys.
I mean, I-I just want to thank you guys.
- Oh.
- You're welcome.
You're welcome.
Yeah, 'cause you've given me the perfect ending to my movie.
No one would expect a crossbow death in a modern indie character study.
[gasps.]
That's exactly right.
She has an excellent point.
Oh, sweet.
She's alive.
Hey, we're wearing the same dress.
Oh, no.
Um, what are you doing here? Oh, yeah, I wound up donating my fat to Jimmy after all.
He gave me those, like, puppy-dog eyes.
He's like, "You can use that Hamptons Jet Ski" anytime you want during the month of January.
" Oh, Julianne, you know what? I got some extra fat left over here, you know, if you want to fill in that arrow hole.
- Oh, no, I'm good.
- Okay.
You can make a candle out of it.
That is brilliant, Julianne Moore.
- Damn.
- Right? Right! Oh, my gosh.
Happy endings all around.
Okay, we have a show in 45 minutes.
- So you rest.
- It's got wheels.
Yeah, keep pushing the button on the drip.
- Okay.
- So pretty.
- Yeah, thank you.
- So pretty.
[monitor beeping.]
Would you mind signing my arrow? [woman speaking indistinctly over PA.]
The guys in my bowling league are gonna go crazy about this.
- I shot you.
- Thank you.