No Activity (2015) s02e04 Episode Script
The Butterfly Tattoo
1 (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) CAROL ON RADIO: Car 72, please report.
Car 72.
Car 72.
No activity.
(SNORING) (YAWNS LOUDLY) - Ah! - Come on.
Did I miss anything? Yeah.
Yeah.
They came out, and then a Tasmanian tiger, I mean, no one's seen that since the '30s arrived.
- What? - And they jumped on the back of it.
And it grew wings and they flew away.
It was amazing.
Oh There's no need to be like that.
Well, there's no need to fall asleep for an hour while we're on duty.
- Look.
I read an article.
- Oh.
Was it online? - Yes.
- Yeah.
And it said that all all mammals are designed to sleep in 4-hour increments.
- Really? - It increases brain activity.
- Oh, really? - Yep.
So you read an article and now you're living by it? Now it's now it's your bible? I could with a quick Google search find 5,000 articles that say the exact opposite of that.
- We are designed to nap.
- Really? It's natural.
Not just one big sleep.
Oh, so you're no longer doing the big, long sleep at night? - Oh, sometimes.
- I think all the time.
I think you're doing the one big, long sleep and lots of naps.
That's just lazy.
You're a lazy detective.
You're a lazy human.
You're not doing the mammal nap form.
You're doing the big cat form sleep.
- You're just sleeping 18 hours a day.
- I don't have to listen to this.
(THEME MUSIC) Out here on my own Why's it always take so long? I'm ready for the moment Forget about the future I'm ready for the pressure to blow.
(SIREN HOWLS) MAN ON RADIO: Car 32, scouting city way.
Usual suspects around here.
No clues.
WOMAN ON RADIO: Copy that, 32.
Round the south side on the way through? MAN: Copy that.
South side.
HENDY ON RADIO: Car 72.
No activity.
Copy that, Car 72.
You want a hand with your headset, Anousha? No.
No, I'm fine.
You can just call me Noush.
- Noush? - Mmm.
- Oh, that's fun.
Noush.
(LAUGHS) - Yeah.
Yeah.
But, like, just let me know if I can do anything.
And If you're not familiar with the system Oh, no, it's pretty similar to Randwick, so I should be good.
Oh, are you a transfer? - Yeah.
- (SIGHS) I thought you were new, like Like, no one tells me anything around here.
- Sorry.
- That's all right.
Noush? Um, quick question.
Are you a Waleed Aly fan? Uh, I know him.
I don't really watch his show, though.
- You know him personally? - No, no.
No, I've heard of him.
- Oh.
- But I don't watch his show.
"Don't adjust your sets.
This is really happening.
" I I don't know what that is, sorry.
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
That's the speech he gave when he won the Gold Logie.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah.
- It was a real moment, for Australia.
- Because - Mmm.
Before that, I reckon there was, like, a you know, just an undercurrent of racism.
- Yeah, do you think? - And then Waleed won, you know.
That Logie win just ended all of that, didn't it? - Thankfully.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- (SIGHS) So great.
- Yeah.
No, but it's really good to, um, see some diversity around here.
It can be a real beige fest, you know, and it's just - That is not the real Australia.
- Mmm.
- Yep.
- You know? I mean, we've got Disabled Lee.
But, um He's a wanker.
Sorry.
Is that language offensive to you? - No.
That's fine.
- (EXHALES) Oh, that's good.
I just want to give you the heads-up, 'cause he's actually an arsehole.
Too much? - No.
- No? Okay.
'Cause he is a fucking idiot.
- Is that o Are you okay with that? - Yeah.
- If I'm honest, he is a deadset c - Bit much.
- Leave that one.
- Yeah.
That's good to know, 'cause I don't like to use that word.
I didn't know where the boundary was, and now I know.
But he's a fucking idiot.
WOMAN ON RADIO: We're crossing over the loop bridge this time.
Check in soon.
That's it, mate.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Honesty hour.
Let's do it.
Come on.
It's best for both of us.
Come on.
Come on.
Please.
- I mean, do we have to? - Yeah.
You know what Crystal said.
It's good for both of us.
Let's just do it.
I don't want to do any more therapy.
It's not therapy.
Therapy's for fucking wankers.
All right? This is just honesty hour.
- Sit the fuck down and do it! - Oh Yeah, blockage, blockage.
You can't block.
You know that.
Just keep it clear.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Here we go.
- Why do I have to go first? - Went last last time.
It's your turn.
Hey.
Don't fucking roll your eyes and give me attitude.
Just do it.
Okay? Do it properly.
(SIGHS) I still feel some anger about the demise of our café.
I am hearing your anger about the demise of our cafe.
Toward me.
And I am open to that anger.
- And I'm also feeling - Mmm? a certain sense of residual anger - at you - Mmm.
for your croiffant Croiffants.
Croiffants.
- About your croiffants idea.
- Mmm.
I mean, half coffee, half croissant energy drink Fucking stupid.
That was the beginning of the end.
You drove everyone away.
It was just too avant-garde.
And you just kept on saying, "They're gonna take off.
" "They're gonna take off.
It's gonna be the next the next big thing.
" But they never took off.
They never took off.
I am hearing your anger about the croiffant and I accept that anger.
I would like to say that also, I feel a particular fiery, volcanic anger towards you about the croiffant Let me finish.
(SIGHS) Because when I suggested the croiffant in the first place, I remember a sincere and enthusiastic response from you, which now turns out to be not true, and that lack of truth upsets me.
I hear you.
I hear your upset feelings.
And I return them to you with a renewed sense of rage.
You've ruined my dreams.
You took my money.
You took my money from my holes.
I spent my money on your dreams.
On your your art café.
It wasn't a fucking art café, and I don't really want to hear that phrase again.
It was just a shop.
Where you bought coffee and shit to eat and there was shit on the walls, like, just pictures that you could buy.
I'm very very, very angry that our café has been burnt to the ground, and I'm very, very angry that I burnt it that I burnt it - BRUCE: I'm hearing.
I'm hearing - JIMMY: I'm hearing you I think I like these new guys better than the old ones.
(BRUCE AND JIMMY ARGUE INDISTINCTLY) I honestly don't care, darling.
(SIGHS) MAN ON RADIO: Operation Bandicoot.
We still have car 72 outside the Doolan mansion.
WOMAN ON RADIO: Yep.
That's okay.
Leave them there.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'T'.
Uh - Trumpet.
- No.
Come on.
- Tree house.
- Really? - All right, uh, terra firma.
- You give up, don't you? - T-taxi booth.
Tantalising.
- Give up.
Give up.
- All right, I give up.
- It's an easy one.
Truck.
Truck.
Where? - There.
- Where? There.
Where? What truck? That truck right there! Well, okay.
So I'll take your word for it.
- Take my word for it? - Yes.
- Can you not see that white truck - You win.
Happy? - Right there? - Yeah, I I know.
But I believe you, right? It's not a question of believing me or not.
See that blue sign? - Bright blue sign.
- Yes.
- Can you see that? Can you? - Yes.
The blue one.
Yes.
- What does it say? - It says It's "City" "City lity".
"City fun".
"City" "Big city" - Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
- All right.
- First of all, all terrible guesses.
- (SCOFFS) "City city city fun"? - Yeah.
- Secondly, it says "No parking".
Well, don't need parking.
- You're legally blind.
- You're legally an arsehole.
- I'm legally telling the truth.
- Look It's not - Okay.
No, you look.
Straight that way.
- All right.
Okay.
All right? Tell me when you can see my finger coming to your periphery.
- Ready? Ready? - Right.
Yes.
- Have you started? - Yes, I have.
- All right.
There.
- Oh, for fuck's sake, Stokes.
- Look, it's night-time.
- You can't see, mate.
Mate, police work, it's not all about vision.
Right? There's all the other senses.
I smell trouble.
I I hear the trouble.
- You know, I feel it in me.
- I feel it too.
You know? This is why I didn't want to play I-spy.
Yes, you did want to play I-spy.
You always want to play I-spy.
- It's your favourite game.
- Okay, it is.
But I wanted to do things in the car.
All right? We have literally done everything in this car.
All right.
Okay.
We'll go outside the car.
My turn? - Okay.
- All right.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with What is that? Noush, you know your headscarf.
- What's that called? What do you - It's a hijab.
Hijab.
Hijab.
Write that down so I don't forget.
That's good.
I I thought you'd have it in, like, the police blue.
But that looks good.
- It's lovely fabric.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You can touch it if you want.
- No.
I'm not gonna touch it.
No, it's a lovely fabric.
You can.
- It'll be fine.
Yeah, yeah.
- You sure? Zap! - Oh! Oh, so you - I'm kidding.
You can.
- Okay.
- You can.
- Yeah.
It's - Yeah.
It's a little like a crimplene or something.
- Isn't it? It's - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Don't touch anyone else's, though.
- Oh, okay.
Yep.
- Yeah.
I I patted a guide dog once when it was on its That's sort of like that.
(CAROL SIGHS) And I would like to acknowledge that I do hear that and I'm very sorry that I killed your dreams.
Because that was not my intention.
(JIMMY SNIFFS AND SIGHS) That's it, mate.
That's that's time's up.
- (SIGHS) - Oh, that feels better, doesn't it? Oh, it's always so shit when you start.
- Yeah.
- But then By the end of it, it just feels like there's a weight - Yeah.
- Been all lifted off my shoulders.
I feel like I've got no residual at all.
There's nothing residual left.
I'm just all empty.
It's everywhere.
- I feel empty too.
- (SIGHS) - (SIGHS) - Mate I've got some good news.
- Yeah? - (LAUGHS) I'm gonna be a dad.
- A father.
(LAUGHS) - (SIGHS) I'm so proud of you.
- (SIGHS) - Put that hand there.
Hey? To the future.
Mmm.
- Thanks, mate.
- Hey? God, this would be an awful way to die.
Darling, we're not going to die.
I'm just saying, if we were going to die, this would be a horrible way to go.
There's no nice way to die, is there? A nicer way to die would be to be scuba-diving over a beautiful coral reef surrounded by a school of tropical fish.
Drowning? Well, ultimately, drowning, I suppose, yes, but they say that's a a very pleasant way to go.
What about for the people who are on the tropical reef? They see your bloated dead body floating past with fish eating at your face.
I don't care, do I? I'm dead.
What if there's small children on the boat? They've got to see that too.
They'd be scarred for life.
Is that what you want? I don't know, darling.
I don't particularly care.
I just think it'd be beautiful.
What about you? What what what's your ideal way to go? I've always thought it'd be lovely to die doing something that you love.
Like? Like that comedian Tommy Cooper, that one from the '70s.
He was enormous.
And he wore the big fez.
And he he died on-stage doing stand-up.
And what would your what uh What would you do? I just told you, doing stand-up.
Hold on.
I'm sorry.
What? You're telling me that your lifelong dream is to be a stand-up comic and that if you could, you would die performing comedy on-stage? - Yes! - Darling, where did this come from? What do you mean? I've always wanted to be a stand-up comic.
Always.
My whole life.
Darling, um, there's one problem with that idea, which is lovely, it's very sweet.
You're not funny.
You know what? I think that this goes over your head.
- Oh, does it? Right.
- Frankly, it goes over your head.
The sort of prog kind of comedy I'm doing - Prog comedy? - It's something that you - It's just It's out of your - Tell us Tell us a Tell us a joke.
I'd love to hear one of your - I don't do I don't do hard jokes.
- You're like the observational The Seinfeld, "What is the deal?" That kind of This is a good one.
(US ACCENT) "Do you ever notice how some people" "have dreams and they never follow them?" You don't understand it.
Okay? And where do you get your material from, darling? I get a lot of material from my life, from my Tinder experiences.
- Oh, from your Tinder experiences? - Yes.
We're going back to the Tinder experiences, are we, darling? Where you rope poor, unsuspecting men into going on dates with you - Darling.
Darling.
Again - to be seat-warmers at galas.
They actually think they're going on a date with a beautiful woman - You're not getting it, darling.
- They're not getting it.
It's companionship.
And I can simply not go to those events alone.
- You're never around.
- Okay, darling.
I want to hear one of these stories that aren't jokes.
I want to I want to hear one of your little Just some Just See if it goes over my head, darling.
Okay.
I'll give you one.
I had so much money in my purse, so much cash, that it literally split open, the purse, full of money, overflowing, and it broke, and I had to go and get a new purse with the money from the old purse.
I mean, it the irony of that! That's actually pretty good.
MAN ON RADIO: Cross-checked against coordinates.
No result.
I was watching one of those wizardy films the other day, you know, like, one of one of those really early ones, where they're Really good film.
Like, not just a kids film.
And, like, the the the kid becomes the sorcerer.
- 'Harry Potter'? - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And the kid becomes the wizard.
Yeah, I can't watch those.
I can't watch the early versions of tho - The first films.
Can't watch 'em.
- Why? Because that actress who plays Hermione Granger, when she's a kid, she becomes so attractive later in life that, you know that when I watch that it She's got the same eyes and the same jawline, and I just And there's nothing sexual about that, obviously, and I feel weird, 'cause I'm just thinking about current-day her, and she's all right to me, but then, not right, so I feel weird when I watch it, and I don't like it, and thanks, people who cast that film, for casting her and making me think of her when I'm watching her.
It's no good for me.
And I don't need that kind of hassle when I'm watching telly.
- I've got enough on my plate in life.
- You all right? Yes.
I'm fine.
- Did something happen? - No, nothing happened.
(SIGHS) So I'm at the beach the other day - Something happened? Yes.
- Yeah.
Something happened.
Okay? - I'm at the beach, walking home.
- Mmm.
People all around on a Saturday morning.
Place is teeming, right? And I've just been for a swim, so my shorts are wet, so I'm carrying my phone in my hand, 'cause I don't want to put it in my pocket, right? And I'm walking behind this hot girl, who's wearing, like She's gorgeous, and she's wearing this, like little, like, nyeh eh active-wear, they call it, exercise gear.
You know, basically, sanctioned lingerie.
- Mmm.
- And And And I'm walking right behind her, and she turns around and goes, "Oh, were you taking photographs of me?" - Oh, busted.
- No, not busted.
- No? - No, not busted.
I wa I had my phone in my hand because I had the wet shorts.
- When when did you get wet shorts? - Because I'd been for a swim! Weren't you listening? No.
I was thinking about the active-wear.
Oh, well.
See? Filthy mind, you, but not me.
- I was just - Uh-uh.
I own it.
I would own it if I had it.
Look, probably I was looking.
- Probably I was.
- Busted.
But no Well, in a sense.
But it's Like, 'cause it's right there.
You know? And if it's Look, if if there oh, if fireworks happen over there, I'm gonna look, "Ooh, fireworks.
" - Where? - No, not now.
I'm saying, if fireworks happened there, I'd go, "Oh," just naturally.
- Right.
- You naturally would.
Right? So everyone's looking at me going, "Oh, you pervert, you pervert.
" I'm like, "Oh, for fuck's sake.
" It's not my fault.
And it's not her fault either, 'cause everyone's wearing it.
Apparently, to exercise now, we all have to wear dental floss.
And it wasn't even that hot.
Like, what happened to, "Going for a run now.
Gonna wear a tracksuit.
" That seemed fine for everyone for a decade or so.
You know? And then so I'm the bad guy.
It was it was a it was a dwarf.
That It was a dwarf that, uh It wasn't a kid.
It was a dwarf.
But he had a baby to look after.
- You talking about 'Willow'? - Ye yes.
You've mistaken 'Willow' for 'Harry Potter'? Yes.
We were talking about 20 minutes ago? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know how sometimes in the car we have, like, a flurry of conversation, then other times, we just we don't talk, we lapse into silence for, like, hours? - Yeah.
- Let's do that.
All right.
(SIGHS) Which bit, the the talking bit or the the silence? The silence.
MAN ON RADIO: Uh, come in, HQ.
Nothing to report.
I've just googled the definition of your name, Anousha.
"Delighted, happy".
- That's good, isn't it? - Yep.
- You're lucky.
- (YAWNS) Yeah.
Oh, yep.
Shift work.
Settling in.
You're getting a bit tired.
You've got tomorrow off, though.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- I've got a match, though.
- Match? Roller derby.
- Oh! Right.
- Mmm.
- You roller-derby? - Yes, I do.
Oh.
I used to roller-skate.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
And then Like, you know when roller blades came in? - Just turned me off it.
- Yeah.
It's sort of, like, there's roller-skating and ice-skating.
- Don't try and blend the two.
- Yeah.
You know? Just leave it.
- It dilutes them both, doesn't it? - That's right.
That's right.
So Yeah.
- I'm in the market for a new sport.
- Yeah? Given footy away.
- Ever since the Burrows incident.
- Oh.
- With the eel? - Yeah.
- You should come along if you want.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh.
We always go out and get a bite to eat, get something to drink afterwards.
Like, not an alcoholic drink, would you? Oh, no.
No.
No, never do that.
(LAUGHS) You! Oh, yeah.
And I love spicy food, you know.
Hotter, the better.
Yeah.
Excellent.
BRUCE: Ah, mate.
That is - I'm just so happy for you, mate.
- Mate We're over the moon.
We're just - This with Tracey? - Yeah.
We're just looking forward to the next chapter and We feel we've got a lot of love to give.
We're together.
- It's the next stage of our lives.
- Yeah.
It's a little one coming into the world.
- Yeah.
- And we're We just want to give.
Oh, mate, look at you.
You're all starry-eyed.
It's awesome.
- I've never felt like this before.
- Big congrats, okay? - Big, big congrats to her.
- Thanks, mate.
And to you, of course.
You know, just tell her.
- It means a lot.
- That's unreal.
It means a lot.
You used to go out with her, um her older sister, didn't you? - Steph.
Ooh.
- Steph.
You and Steph.
- Sexy Steph.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah, I went out with Trace too, of course.
- Did you? When, um - Mate She was really young.
- I mean really young.
- Yeah, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mate, it was just it was just a physical thing.
It wasn't a You know, it wasn't a Remember I did the bakery job? Oh, right, where the flour exploded everywhere? I remember that fuck-up, mate.
I did fucking two and a half years for that.
She used to visit every weekend, mate.
She was fantastic.
She's never told me.
She's never talked about this.
Really dedicated, mate.
Really dedicated.
Really, really upset that I was in there, mate.
I remember her saying, you know There was this moment there where she's she's gonna end it all, you know.
She was gonna kill herself? 'Cause you were inside? Oh, like I say, she was she was very young.
Yeah, right.
See No, no, no, don't worry.
What? Tell me.
Tell me.
Tell me.
Tell me.
She doesn't still have that tattoo of my name on her lower back, does she? I remember her doing that.
That was a stupid thing, mate.
Yeah.
I mean, I hope she's gotten rid of it.
But is it still there? She's got a She's got a butterfly.
- She's got a butterfly - Oh, right.
Coming out of a cocoon, tattooed on the lower back.
Oh, okay.
Does the butterfly wings look like a capital "B"? Well Yeah.
I mean, all butterflies' wings look like a capital "B".
Does the the cocoon look like Like, could it be "ruce"? - "Ruce"? - "Ruce"? Uh I mean, I guess I guess it could look like could look like "ruce".
Mmm.
Okay.
Anyway.
I just Mate Look, anyway Look, um, I'm s Mate.
So proud of you.
So proud of you.
It's just It's beautiful, mate.
And just, look Give her my love.
Just give her Just give her all my love, mate.
- And congratulations to both of you.
- Yeah.
I'll make sure I say hello.
Say a bit more than that.
Just Say what I said.
- "Bruce sends his love.
" - Yeah.
Just But, you know.
Give give her my love.
'Cause, I mean, look, she was very young, and it was just physical.
- It was just It was nothing.
- Yeah.
- I'll say I'll make I'll say hi.
- She was very young.
I mean - It was very physical.
- Yeah, I'm gonna, uh I'm gonna, uh - I'm gonna check on the, um - Right, mate.
- Proud of you, mate.
Proud of you.
- (SIGHS) So proud of you, mate.
Good on you, mate.
- Just make sure you tell her, mate.
- Thanks, mate.
Yep.
Trace.
- What? - Nothing, mate.
Nothing.
CAROL ON RADIO: Car 72, I've got Superintendent Swayne here.
I'm just gonna patch you through.
Go ahead.
MAN ON RADIO: Car 72, this is Superintendent Swayne.
Let's start with an update on your progress there, car 72.
- (BOTH SNORE) - SWAYNE: Hello? - SWAYNE: Are they there? - CAROL: Yeah, should be.
I have signal received.
Car 72? SWAYNE: Car 72? This is Superintendent Swayne.
An update on your position there, car 72.
Car 72, can you come in, please? Car 7 Car 72.
- (KISSES) - Ah, this is wasting my time.
CAROL: Guys.
SWAYNE: For fuck's sake.
(DREAMY MUSIC)
Car 72.
Car 72.
No activity.
(SNORING) (YAWNS LOUDLY) - Ah! - Come on.
Did I miss anything? Yeah.
Yeah.
They came out, and then a Tasmanian tiger, I mean, no one's seen that since the '30s arrived.
- What? - And they jumped on the back of it.
And it grew wings and they flew away.
It was amazing.
Oh There's no need to be like that.
Well, there's no need to fall asleep for an hour while we're on duty.
- Look.
I read an article.
- Oh.
Was it online? - Yes.
- Yeah.
And it said that all all mammals are designed to sleep in 4-hour increments.
- Really? - It increases brain activity.
- Oh, really? - Yep.
So you read an article and now you're living by it? Now it's now it's your bible? I could with a quick Google search find 5,000 articles that say the exact opposite of that.
- We are designed to nap.
- Really? It's natural.
Not just one big sleep.
Oh, so you're no longer doing the big, long sleep at night? - Oh, sometimes.
- I think all the time.
I think you're doing the one big, long sleep and lots of naps.
That's just lazy.
You're a lazy detective.
You're a lazy human.
You're not doing the mammal nap form.
You're doing the big cat form sleep.
- You're just sleeping 18 hours a day.
- I don't have to listen to this.
(THEME MUSIC) Out here on my own Why's it always take so long? I'm ready for the moment Forget about the future I'm ready for the pressure to blow.
(SIREN HOWLS) MAN ON RADIO: Car 32, scouting city way.
Usual suspects around here.
No clues.
WOMAN ON RADIO: Copy that, 32.
Round the south side on the way through? MAN: Copy that.
South side.
HENDY ON RADIO: Car 72.
No activity.
Copy that, Car 72.
You want a hand with your headset, Anousha? No.
No, I'm fine.
You can just call me Noush.
- Noush? - Mmm.
- Oh, that's fun.
Noush.
(LAUGHS) - Yeah.
Yeah.
But, like, just let me know if I can do anything.
And If you're not familiar with the system Oh, no, it's pretty similar to Randwick, so I should be good.
Oh, are you a transfer? - Yeah.
- (SIGHS) I thought you were new, like Like, no one tells me anything around here.
- Sorry.
- That's all right.
Noush? Um, quick question.
Are you a Waleed Aly fan? Uh, I know him.
I don't really watch his show, though.
- You know him personally? - No, no.
No, I've heard of him.
- Oh.
- But I don't watch his show.
"Don't adjust your sets.
This is really happening.
" I I don't know what that is, sorry.
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
That's the speech he gave when he won the Gold Logie.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah.
- It was a real moment, for Australia.
- Because - Mmm.
Before that, I reckon there was, like, a you know, just an undercurrent of racism.
- Yeah, do you think? - And then Waleed won, you know.
That Logie win just ended all of that, didn't it? - Thankfully.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- (SIGHS) So great.
- Yeah.
No, but it's really good to, um, see some diversity around here.
It can be a real beige fest, you know, and it's just - That is not the real Australia.
- Mmm.
- Yep.
- You know? I mean, we've got Disabled Lee.
But, um He's a wanker.
Sorry.
Is that language offensive to you? - No.
That's fine.
- (EXHALES) Oh, that's good.
I just want to give you the heads-up, 'cause he's actually an arsehole.
Too much? - No.
- No? Okay.
'Cause he is a fucking idiot.
- Is that o Are you okay with that? - Yeah.
- If I'm honest, he is a deadset c - Bit much.
- Leave that one.
- Yeah.
That's good to know, 'cause I don't like to use that word.
I didn't know where the boundary was, and now I know.
But he's a fucking idiot.
WOMAN ON RADIO: We're crossing over the loop bridge this time.
Check in soon.
That's it, mate.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Honesty hour.
Let's do it.
Come on.
It's best for both of us.
Come on.
Come on.
Please.
- I mean, do we have to? - Yeah.
You know what Crystal said.
It's good for both of us.
Let's just do it.
I don't want to do any more therapy.
It's not therapy.
Therapy's for fucking wankers.
All right? This is just honesty hour.
- Sit the fuck down and do it! - Oh Yeah, blockage, blockage.
You can't block.
You know that.
Just keep it clear.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Here we go.
- Why do I have to go first? - Went last last time.
It's your turn.
Hey.
Don't fucking roll your eyes and give me attitude.
Just do it.
Okay? Do it properly.
(SIGHS) I still feel some anger about the demise of our café.
I am hearing your anger about the demise of our cafe.
Toward me.
And I am open to that anger.
- And I'm also feeling - Mmm? a certain sense of residual anger - at you - Mmm.
for your croiffant Croiffants.
Croiffants.
- About your croiffants idea.
- Mmm.
I mean, half coffee, half croissant energy drink Fucking stupid.
That was the beginning of the end.
You drove everyone away.
It was just too avant-garde.
And you just kept on saying, "They're gonna take off.
" "They're gonna take off.
It's gonna be the next the next big thing.
" But they never took off.
They never took off.
I am hearing your anger about the croiffant and I accept that anger.
I would like to say that also, I feel a particular fiery, volcanic anger towards you about the croiffant Let me finish.
(SIGHS) Because when I suggested the croiffant in the first place, I remember a sincere and enthusiastic response from you, which now turns out to be not true, and that lack of truth upsets me.
I hear you.
I hear your upset feelings.
And I return them to you with a renewed sense of rage.
You've ruined my dreams.
You took my money.
You took my money from my holes.
I spent my money on your dreams.
On your your art café.
It wasn't a fucking art café, and I don't really want to hear that phrase again.
It was just a shop.
Where you bought coffee and shit to eat and there was shit on the walls, like, just pictures that you could buy.
I'm very very, very angry that our café has been burnt to the ground, and I'm very, very angry that I burnt it that I burnt it - BRUCE: I'm hearing.
I'm hearing - JIMMY: I'm hearing you I think I like these new guys better than the old ones.
(BRUCE AND JIMMY ARGUE INDISTINCTLY) I honestly don't care, darling.
(SIGHS) MAN ON RADIO: Operation Bandicoot.
We still have car 72 outside the Doolan mansion.
WOMAN ON RADIO: Yep.
That's okay.
Leave them there.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'T'.
Uh - Trumpet.
- No.
Come on.
- Tree house.
- Really? - All right, uh, terra firma.
- You give up, don't you? - T-taxi booth.
Tantalising.
- Give up.
Give up.
- All right, I give up.
- It's an easy one.
Truck.
Truck.
Where? - There.
- Where? There.
Where? What truck? That truck right there! Well, okay.
So I'll take your word for it.
- Take my word for it? - Yes.
- Can you not see that white truck - You win.
Happy? - Right there? - Yeah, I I know.
But I believe you, right? It's not a question of believing me or not.
See that blue sign? - Bright blue sign.
- Yes.
- Can you see that? Can you? - Yes.
The blue one.
Yes.
- What does it say? - It says It's "City" "City lity".
"City fun".
"City" "Big city" - Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
- All right.
- First of all, all terrible guesses.
- (SCOFFS) "City city city fun"? - Yeah.
- Secondly, it says "No parking".
Well, don't need parking.
- You're legally blind.
- You're legally an arsehole.
- I'm legally telling the truth.
- Look It's not - Okay.
No, you look.
Straight that way.
- All right.
Okay.
All right? Tell me when you can see my finger coming to your periphery.
- Ready? Ready? - Right.
Yes.
- Have you started? - Yes, I have.
- All right.
There.
- Oh, for fuck's sake, Stokes.
- Look, it's night-time.
- You can't see, mate.
Mate, police work, it's not all about vision.
Right? There's all the other senses.
I smell trouble.
I I hear the trouble.
- You know, I feel it in me.
- I feel it too.
You know? This is why I didn't want to play I-spy.
Yes, you did want to play I-spy.
You always want to play I-spy.
- It's your favourite game.
- Okay, it is.
But I wanted to do things in the car.
All right? We have literally done everything in this car.
All right.
Okay.
We'll go outside the car.
My turn? - Okay.
- All right.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with What is that? Noush, you know your headscarf.
- What's that called? What do you - It's a hijab.
Hijab.
Hijab.
Write that down so I don't forget.
That's good.
I I thought you'd have it in, like, the police blue.
But that looks good.
- It's lovely fabric.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You can touch it if you want.
- No.
I'm not gonna touch it.
No, it's a lovely fabric.
You can.
- It'll be fine.
Yeah, yeah.
- You sure? Zap! - Oh! Oh, so you - I'm kidding.
You can.
- Okay.
- You can.
- Yeah.
It's - Yeah.
It's a little like a crimplene or something.
- Isn't it? It's - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Don't touch anyone else's, though.
- Oh, okay.
Yep.
- Yeah.
I I patted a guide dog once when it was on its That's sort of like that.
(CAROL SIGHS) And I would like to acknowledge that I do hear that and I'm very sorry that I killed your dreams.
Because that was not my intention.
(JIMMY SNIFFS AND SIGHS) That's it, mate.
That's that's time's up.
- (SIGHS) - Oh, that feels better, doesn't it? Oh, it's always so shit when you start.
- Yeah.
- But then By the end of it, it just feels like there's a weight - Yeah.
- Been all lifted off my shoulders.
I feel like I've got no residual at all.
There's nothing residual left.
I'm just all empty.
It's everywhere.
- I feel empty too.
- (SIGHS) - (SIGHS) - Mate I've got some good news.
- Yeah? - (LAUGHS) I'm gonna be a dad.
- A father.
(LAUGHS) - (SIGHS) I'm so proud of you.
- (SIGHS) - Put that hand there.
Hey? To the future.
Mmm.
- Thanks, mate.
- Hey? God, this would be an awful way to die.
Darling, we're not going to die.
I'm just saying, if we were going to die, this would be a horrible way to go.
There's no nice way to die, is there? A nicer way to die would be to be scuba-diving over a beautiful coral reef surrounded by a school of tropical fish.
Drowning? Well, ultimately, drowning, I suppose, yes, but they say that's a a very pleasant way to go.
What about for the people who are on the tropical reef? They see your bloated dead body floating past with fish eating at your face.
I don't care, do I? I'm dead.
What if there's small children on the boat? They've got to see that too.
They'd be scarred for life.
Is that what you want? I don't know, darling.
I don't particularly care.
I just think it'd be beautiful.
What about you? What what what's your ideal way to go? I've always thought it'd be lovely to die doing something that you love.
Like? Like that comedian Tommy Cooper, that one from the '70s.
He was enormous.
And he wore the big fez.
And he he died on-stage doing stand-up.
And what would your what uh What would you do? I just told you, doing stand-up.
Hold on.
I'm sorry.
What? You're telling me that your lifelong dream is to be a stand-up comic and that if you could, you would die performing comedy on-stage? - Yes! - Darling, where did this come from? What do you mean? I've always wanted to be a stand-up comic.
Always.
My whole life.
Darling, um, there's one problem with that idea, which is lovely, it's very sweet.
You're not funny.
You know what? I think that this goes over your head.
- Oh, does it? Right.
- Frankly, it goes over your head.
The sort of prog kind of comedy I'm doing - Prog comedy? - It's something that you - It's just It's out of your - Tell us Tell us a Tell us a joke.
I'd love to hear one of your - I don't do I don't do hard jokes.
- You're like the observational The Seinfeld, "What is the deal?" That kind of This is a good one.
(US ACCENT) "Do you ever notice how some people" "have dreams and they never follow them?" You don't understand it.
Okay? And where do you get your material from, darling? I get a lot of material from my life, from my Tinder experiences.
- Oh, from your Tinder experiences? - Yes.
We're going back to the Tinder experiences, are we, darling? Where you rope poor, unsuspecting men into going on dates with you - Darling.
Darling.
Again - to be seat-warmers at galas.
They actually think they're going on a date with a beautiful woman - You're not getting it, darling.
- They're not getting it.
It's companionship.
And I can simply not go to those events alone.
- You're never around.
- Okay, darling.
I want to hear one of these stories that aren't jokes.
I want to I want to hear one of your little Just some Just See if it goes over my head, darling.
Okay.
I'll give you one.
I had so much money in my purse, so much cash, that it literally split open, the purse, full of money, overflowing, and it broke, and I had to go and get a new purse with the money from the old purse.
I mean, it the irony of that! That's actually pretty good.
MAN ON RADIO: Cross-checked against coordinates.
No result.
I was watching one of those wizardy films the other day, you know, like, one of one of those really early ones, where they're Really good film.
Like, not just a kids film.
And, like, the the the kid becomes the sorcerer.
- 'Harry Potter'? - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And the kid becomes the wizard.
Yeah, I can't watch those.
I can't watch the early versions of tho - The first films.
Can't watch 'em.
- Why? Because that actress who plays Hermione Granger, when she's a kid, she becomes so attractive later in life that, you know that when I watch that it She's got the same eyes and the same jawline, and I just And there's nothing sexual about that, obviously, and I feel weird, 'cause I'm just thinking about current-day her, and she's all right to me, but then, not right, so I feel weird when I watch it, and I don't like it, and thanks, people who cast that film, for casting her and making me think of her when I'm watching her.
It's no good for me.
And I don't need that kind of hassle when I'm watching telly.
- I've got enough on my plate in life.
- You all right? Yes.
I'm fine.
- Did something happen? - No, nothing happened.
(SIGHS) So I'm at the beach the other day - Something happened? Yes.
- Yeah.
Something happened.
Okay? - I'm at the beach, walking home.
- Mmm.
People all around on a Saturday morning.
Place is teeming, right? And I've just been for a swim, so my shorts are wet, so I'm carrying my phone in my hand, 'cause I don't want to put it in my pocket, right? And I'm walking behind this hot girl, who's wearing, like She's gorgeous, and she's wearing this, like little, like, nyeh eh active-wear, they call it, exercise gear.
You know, basically, sanctioned lingerie.
- Mmm.
- And And And I'm walking right behind her, and she turns around and goes, "Oh, were you taking photographs of me?" - Oh, busted.
- No, not busted.
- No? - No, not busted.
I wa I had my phone in my hand because I had the wet shorts.
- When when did you get wet shorts? - Because I'd been for a swim! Weren't you listening? No.
I was thinking about the active-wear.
Oh, well.
See? Filthy mind, you, but not me.
- I was just - Uh-uh.
I own it.
I would own it if I had it.
Look, probably I was looking.
- Probably I was.
- Busted.
But no Well, in a sense.
But it's Like, 'cause it's right there.
You know? And if it's Look, if if there oh, if fireworks happen over there, I'm gonna look, "Ooh, fireworks.
" - Where? - No, not now.
I'm saying, if fireworks happened there, I'd go, "Oh," just naturally.
- Right.
- You naturally would.
Right? So everyone's looking at me going, "Oh, you pervert, you pervert.
" I'm like, "Oh, for fuck's sake.
" It's not my fault.
And it's not her fault either, 'cause everyone's wearing it.
Apparently, to exercise now, we all have to wear dental floss.
And it wasn't even that hot.
Like, what happened to, "Going for a run now.
Gonna wear a tracksuit.
" That seemed fine for everyone for a decade or so.
You know? And then so I'm the bad guy.
It was it was a it was a dwarf.
That It was a dwarf that, uh It wasn't a kid.
It was a dwarf.
But he had a baby to look after.
- You talking about 'Willow'? - Ye yes.
You've mistaken 'Willow' for 'Harry Potter'? Yes.
We were talking about 20 minutes ago? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know how sometimes in the car we have, like, a flurry of conversation, then other times, we just we don't talk, we lapse into silence for, like, hours? - Yeah.
- Let's do that.
All right.
(SIGHS) Which bit, the the talking bit or the the silence? The silence.
MAN ON RADIO: Uh, come in, HQ.
Nothing to report.
I've just googled the definition of your name, Anousha.
"Delighted, happy".
- That's good, isn't it? - Yep.
- You're lucky.
- (YAWNS) Yeah.
Oh, yep.
Shift work.
Settling in.
You're getting a bit tired.
You've got tomorrow off, though.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- I've got a match, though.
- Match? Roller derby.
- Oh! Right.
- Mmm.
- You roller-derby? - Yes, I do.
Oh.
I used to roller-skate.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
And then Like, you know when roller blades came in? - Just turned me off it.
- Yeah.
It's sort of, like, there's roller-skating and ice-skating.
- Don't try and blend the two.
- Yeah.
You know? Just leave it.
- It dilutes them both, doesn't it? - That's right.
That's right.
So Yeah.
- I'm in the market for a new sport.
- Yeah? Given footy away.
- Ever since the Burrows incident.
- Oh.
- With the eel? - Yeah.
- You should come along if you want.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh.
We always go out and get a bite to eat, get something to drink afterwards.
Like, not an alcoholic drink, would you? Oh, no.
No.
No, never do that.
(LAUGHS) You! Oh, yeah.
And I love spicy food, you know.
Hotter, the better.
Yeah.
Excellent.
BRUCE: Ah, mate.
That is - I'm just so happy for you, mate.
- Mate We're over the moon.
We're just - This with Tracey? - Yeah.
We're just looking forward to the next chapter and We feel we've got a lot of love to give.
We're together.
- It's the next stage of our lives.
- Yeah.
It's a little one coming into the world.
- Yeah.
- And we're We just want to give.
Oh, mate, look at you.
You're all starry-eyed.
It's awesome.
- I've never felt like this before.
- Big congrats, okay? - Big, big congrats to her.
- Thanks, mate.
And to you, of course.
You know, just tell her.
- It means a lot.
- That's unreal.
It means a lot.
You used to go out with her, um her older sister, didn't you? - Steph.
Ooh.
- Steph.
You and Steph.
- Sexy Steph.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah, I went out with Trace too, of course.
- Did you? When, um - Mate She was really young.
- I mean really young.
- Yeah, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mate, it was just it was just a physical thing.
It wasn't a You know, it wasn't a Remember I did the bakery job? Oh, right, where the flour exploded everywhere? I remember that fuck-up, mate.
I did fucking two and a half years for that.
She used to visit every weekend, mate.
She was fantastic.
She's never told me.
She's never talked about this.
Really dedicated, mate.
Really dedicated.
Really, really upset that I was in there, mate.
I remember her saying, you know There was this moment there where she's she's gonna end it all, you know.
She was gonna kill herself? 'Cause you were inside? Oh, like I say, she was she was very young.
Yeah, right.
See No, no, no, don't worry.
What? Tell me.
Tell me.
Tell me.
Tell me.
She doesn't still have that tattoo of my name on her lower back, does she? I remember her doing that.
That was a stupid thing, mate.
Yeah.
I mean, I hope she's gotten rid of it.
But is it still there? She's got a She's got a butterfly.
- She's got a butterfly - Oh, right.
Coming out of a cocoon, tattooed on the lower back.
Oh, okay.
Does the butterfly wings look like a capital "B"? Well Yeah.
I mean, all butterflies' wings look like a capital "B".
Does the the cocoon look like Like, could it be "ruce"? - "Ruce"? - "Ruce"? Uh I mean, I guess I guess it could look like could look like "ruce".
Mmm.
Okay.
Anyway.
I just Mate Look, anyway Look, um, I'm s Mate.
So proud of you.
So proud of you.
It's just It's beautiful, mate.
And just, look Give her my love.
Just give her Just give her all my love, mate.
- And congratulations to both of you.
- Yeah.
I'll make sure I say hello.
Say a bit more than that.
Just Say what I said.
- "Bruce sends his love.
" - Yeah.
Just But, you know.
Give give her my love.
'Cause, I mean, look, she was very young, and it was just physical.
- It was just It was nothing.
- Yeah.
- I'll say I'll make I'll say hi.
- She was very young.
I mean - It was very physical.
- Yeah, I'm gonna, uh I'm gonna, uh - I'm gonna check on the, um - Right, mate.
- Proud of you, mate.
Proud of you.
- (SIGHS) So proud of you, mate.
Good on you, mate.
- Just make sure you tell her, mate.
- Thanks, mate.
Yep.
Trace.
- What? - Nothing, mate.
Nothing.
CAROL ON RADIO: Car 72, I've got Superintendent Swayne here.
I'm just gonna patch you through.
Go ahead.
MAN ON RADIO: Car 72, this is Superintendent Swayne.
Let's start with an update on your progress there, car 72.
- (BOTH SNORE) - SWAYNE: Hello? - SWAYNE: Are they there? - CAROL: Yeah, should be.
I have signal received.
Car 72? SWAYNE: Car 72? This is Superintendent Swayne.
An update on your position there, car 72.
Car 72, can you come in, please? Car 7 Car 72.
- (KISSES) - Ah, this is wasting my time.
CAROL: Guys.
SWAYNE: For fuck's sake.
(DREAMY MUSIC)