No Activity (2017) s02e04 Episode Script
The Duck Egg
1 Previously on No Activity FRANKIE: Big Boy, the champion rooster that your bird is fighting tonight.
- 43 fights, 43 kills.
- Mm-hmm.
Empty my accounts and put it all on Big Boy.
MARCO: Come on, Nathan.
- [AUDIENCE GASPS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah! He did it! I'm playing a cop.
Can I hold your gun? - Here we go.
- Beg for your fucking life.
Please let me live.
Please be advised that Leon Fordham - is en route to the scene.
- Hi.
Do you want to go deep-sea fishing? - Yeah, we'll come.
- I won't.
I'm I get seasick.
But, uh, you guys have fun.
[MUFFLED.]
: Hey.
[WHISPERS.]
: What did you do? What? [INAUDIBLE.]
I can't hear you.
Why are we here? You-you want to go to dinner after this? This is your fault.
Sure, I can drive.
- What? - What? What did you do? I didn't do anything.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- LEON: Good evening.
Hi, I'm Senior Detective Leon Fordham.
Internal Affairs.
- Hey.
Yeah, we've met.
- I don't think so.
No, we did.
Uh, I think you came to our car a while ago.
You were having kind of a difficult day.
I think you have me confused with someone else.
Uh, no, no, you Remember, you invited us deep-sea fishing.
I think you have me confused with someone else.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right.
So anything you want to tell me? About ? About anything unusual that may have occurred recently while you were on duty? Um No, I don't think so.
I believe you had an actress in your car for a ride-along a few nights ago? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anything unusual happen that night? No.
No, pretty standard.
[CHUCKLES.]
- She's pretty, right? - No.
You don't think she's pretty? Uh You seem confused about her, Detective.
- Mm.
- Which I find interesting.
Because she's missing.
Oh.
Bombshell, right? [CHUCKLES.]
: Right.
I mean, no.
I mean, yes.
It's not funny.
I, I'm sorry to hear that.
I hope she's okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- Right.
You want a coffee? - That'd be great.
Oh, I hear through the grapevine that you applied for the FBI.
Oh, yeah.
That's great.
Hope this whole actress thing doesn't fuck that up for you.
That was a yes on the coffee, right? Mm-hmm.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING.]
While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
That bird was a fucking lock.
A fucking lock! Jesus.
But then again, it wasn't, was it? It was the big loss of the century.
They took all my money.
All my money.
I'm completely broke, and all because you couldn't keep your hands - out of your pants.
- That's not fair.
Whoa, Janice.
You're carrying a gun? Hell yeah, I'm carrying a gun.
- Got cockfighting debt.
- [GROANS.]
Why wouldn't I carry a gun? And it's loaded.
- God, Janice, it's huge.
- Yeah.
- Pretty big.
- Is it heavy? Yeah, it's heavy.
I just ordered a new round of bullets.
But, you know, I got to get some extra shifts.
I got to make some more dough.
What am I gonna do? Hey, Janice.
Hey, Jamal.
What's happening? I'm about to go on an apple break.
- Oh, yeah? - You want to join me? Mm, maybe not today.
JAMAL: Come on.
It's like a coffee break - but with apples.
- Yeah.
I don't think so.
Yeah.
I guess you're busy.
Well, there's your apple, anyway.
- Thanks, Jamal.
- You ladies enjoy the evening.
Mm-hmm.
Bye, Jamal.
[JANICE SIGHS.]
- Money.
- What? Huh? Why didn't you go with him? - Who, Jamal? - Just go and take your mind off your problems.
I insist.
- I think it would be really good for you.
- [SIGHS.]
- Just have an apple.
- All right.
If it means getting you off my back, I'll do it.
How to have a great day.
Step one: lose all your money.
Step two: have an apple with a divorcé.
Step three: carry a loaded gun so you can blow your fucking brains out.
Jamal! - HELEN: So, the cockfight's over? - MARCO: Yeah, that's right.
HELEN: So, why are you still there? MARCO: I-I-I'm tying up loose ends.
That's how it works in the field, Helen.
You don't get it, okay? [CHUCKLES.]
- [LINE DISCONNECTS.]
- Goddamn it, Helen.
Did you just hang up again? - Oh.
That was exciting.
- Oh, man.
- That was exciting.
- I know.
Yeah.
Did you see him? People were calling that the upset of the century.
- Well, it fucking was.
- Right? - Everybody loved it.
- Yeah, well not everybody.
- Oh, yeah, of course.
- He didn't love it.
- Except for the dead guy.
- Bad night for him.
I had no idea that was even a thing.
Kill the trainer of the losing bird? Who knew? It's not usually.
I mean, it happens from time to time, but not always.
So, should we both wait for Pedro to come take the body? Oh, no.
You don't have to wait.
- I'm fine.
- Oh, no way.
I don't want to leave you alone to do it.
- Okay.
I guess.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
FRANKIE: Oh, hey.
Did you notice when they were carrying Nathan out? I-I know he was, like, all ruffled and covered in blood, - but I could have sworn - So much blood.
that he, like, looked over his little rooster shoulder at us.
- He 100% did.
- Did you see that? - Okay, you saw it.
Yeah.
- He 100% did.
I felt like he was looking at us to say - thank you.
- Yes.
- That's exactly how I felt.
- Right? - Yeah.
- And I gave him one of these right back.
- I did, too.
- You know? - I know.
- Where is he? Right now? Where is he right now, and what is he doing? I want to know everything.
- He's living a fabulous life.
- Really? Oh, my God, yeah.
He's probably, like, kicking back with El Chappie right now in Puerto Rico.
Experiencing some much deserved R and R.
- Oh, yeah.
He's living the life.
- [SIGHS.]
- Boy, that sounds great.
- Yeah.
- How cool.
You know, we should go.
- I know.
- To Puerto Rico? - Yeah.
But no.
I-I mean, obviously, I'm just, like, whatever.
But, like, I've always wanted to go to Puerto Rico.
Yeah, I mean - we could go.
- We - Yeah.
- And we could, like, I don't know.
I mean, I'm just spitballing, but, like what if we lived in a tree house? Fuck you.
Have you been reading my journal? CULLEN: Tolbeck.
[TAPPING ON GLASS.]
It's about the actress.
Don't mention the guns.
- Huh? - Don't say we gave her our guns.
- What? - [FOOTFALLS APPROACHING.]
Oh.
- Hey, Leon, what's up? - Good evening.
I'm Senior Detective Leon Fordham, Internal Affairs.
Yeah, I know.
I think you have me confused with someone else.
It's me, Tolbeck.
We went deep-sea fishing together.
I think you have me confused with someone else.
So, what do you want to talk about? Um I'm not sure.
Um You know, people say you can't really make friends as adults.
What do you say we prove them wrong? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, okay.
You know, I heard recently that there are more Panda Express restaurants worldwide than there are actual pandas.
You think that's true? Maybe.
Um, has the interrogation started yet? - Or - Oh, yeah, we're in it.
Yeah.
Just feels like a super chill, friendly hang, though, right? - [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
- Yeah.
This is not one of those interrogations where I try to trick you, you know? It's not like on TV where the bad guy suddenly slips up - and admits everything.
- Mm-hmm.
That doesn't happen in real life.
Does it? No, I guess not.
Um, so, wh-what are you interrogating me about? Oh, of course.
But wait, before I forget.
I got you something.
- Oh.
- Go ahead, open it.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Okay.
Oh.
- What ? - Put it on.
O-Okay.
That looks great on you.
Thank you.
Did you get me anything? - Uh - I'm kidding.
I know you didn't get me anything.
But what would you have gotten me? Well, I Oh, you know what? I have a really nice cigar that I've been carrying around.
You can have it.
Thank you.
Arturo Cohiba.
That's an expensive cigar.
- Very.
- Well, treating yourself.
And why not, right? YOLO.
You only live once.
I know what YOLO means, Detective.
Oh.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Thank you for this.
It's very thoughtful.
And unexpected.
Well, I better get back over to you know.
I don't want to play favorites, because this is not a game, but [WHISPERS.]
: you are mine.
Oh, I'm gonna need that necklace back.
Could you do me a favor and just rewrap it exactly as it was originally wrapped? Oh.
Exactly? Okay, I'll try.
Thanks, pal.
We can live in the tallest tree house in town.
- Yes.
- And I can build you a special room - Okay.
- right at the tippy top - of the tree house.
- Yes! - Yeah.
Yeah.
- I love that.
I'm gonna lock you up real high so no one can ever look at you.
- Curious.
- There's also gonna be no door, - just a slit in the wall.
- Huh.
And that's where I slide your food into.
- Okay.
- Once a day, small portions.
- Got to keep it tight.
- Okay.
Uh, I'm not sure about this Rapunzel-like prison room, exactly.
Why is it that I'm there? Because you're only hungry for me.
Okay, got it, got it, got it, got it.
So, I know we're just talking, but I'm into the idea of going to Puerto Rico and hanging out.
- And why am I ? - Shut up and kiss me with that idiot mouth.
[BOTH MOANING.]
Oh.
- Oh, Daddy likes that.
- Oh, yeah, Daddy does.
Nope.
I'm Daddy.
- Wait.
Really? - Yes.
Oh.
Okay.
Then who am I? You're Daddy's baby girl.
- I am? - You're Daddy's beautiful baby girl.
- Oh, okay.
Huh.
- Mm-hmm.
[WHISPERING.]
: Now shut up and kiss Daddy.
Okay.
- [BOTH MOANING.]
- Yeah.
Mmm.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Sorry about that.
Right, so where were we? Uh, you told me that, uh, that actress had gone missing.
Right, so do you know where she is? No.
- You own or rent? - Me? Uh, I rent.
Smart.
Yeah, you don't want to buy in this market.
- Yeah.
- You got a freezer at home? - Yeah.
- She in it? No.
You got neighbors, nice neighbors? Yeah, they they're pretty good neighbors, yeah.
They hear her scream when you killed her? No, because I didn't I did not kill her.
What about the views? You got nice views? Yeah, I mean, yeah, I can see the ocean from my balcony.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Did you throw her off the balcony? No.
No.
You got a nice modern kitchen? You like to cook? I do, but I feel like whatever I say now, the next question's gonna be "Did you cut her up?" - Did you? - No! Hey, if the knife fits, as they say.
Who says that? I I-I'm I don't I don't know where she is.
I didn't kill her, I didn't touch her.
I-I I didn't even know where she was from.
Like, I I didn't I don't know her.
Uh-huh.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm just joshing you, Detective.
- We don't think you killed her.
- Are you serious? Yeah, we don't even think she's dead.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
And of course I remember you, Detective Cullen.
Oh, great.
I was I didn't I thought you were I didn't I just thought you were embarrassed about I didn't I didn't know No, no.
In fact, you should have come deep-sea fishing with your partner and me.
- I mean, we had a blast.
- Oh, yeah.
I mean, I'm sure he told you all about it.
Yeah.
Yeah, he did.
He did.
Hey, what happened to that guy? I mean, did you ever get closure on that guy that you liked, or ? Guy that ? Oh, no, no.
No.
I'm not gay.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I thought I was, - briefly, but, uh, I'm not.
- Not gay? - Nope.
- Oh.
I was just a little confused, which is normal and natural.
Yeah, totally.
My wife was the one who finally figured it all out.
Hmm.
Nothing like the love of a good woman to set you straight.
So, anyway, I'm sorry.
I-I-I do.
I have to ask you these routine questions here, and I'm sorry about separating you and your partner.
- Stupid protocol.
- It's fine.
We'll see if we can get you out of here, quick as a bunny.
- Okay.
- I mean, as quick as we can, given that someone has been murdered.
I thought you you just said you were joking about that.
- Did I? - Yeah.
Hmm.
Yeah, I guess I did.
Well, you know that old technique, right? Tell them everything's okay, see how they react.
And now I've seen how you reacted.
Haven't I? Yeah.
Oh.
[EXCLAIMS.]
Stupid me.
I forgot your coffee.
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS.]
Sorry.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Copy that.
Dispatch out.
[GROANS SOFTLY.]
Well? Well? Well, what? Well, how did it go? You've been gone for, like, a half an hour, and you look much more like yourself.
Huh? Yeah.
It was nice.
It was great.
It was actually a nice distraction, so thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Mm-hmm.
What'd you guys talk about? I don't know.
We didn't really I don't remember saying anything.
I don't remember talking at all.
We just fucked.
What? You-you-you had sex with Jamal? What'd you think we were gonna do? - I told you to go have an apple.
- [SCOFFS.]
"Apple" is code for "fucking.
" "Green apple" is code for hand job.
"Candy apple" is code for fucking in the ass.
- What?! I had no idea.
- Yeah.
Are you kidding me? That's third-grade knowledge.
- Wow.
- Anywhoozle, I feel a lot better.
I want to thank you, and I was thinking about you a little bit in there, so I know how you like big staplers, so I got you a nice big black one.
- I do love staplers.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
- It's broken.
Yeah.
Well, I know how that happened.
There's more in the supply closet.
You just might want to wait a minute, all right? Let it air out a little bit.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Okay? Okay, you having fun? I guess.
Okay, next question.
What makes you angry? That's kind of a dumb question.
You know what? You you don't have to answer that.
I tell you, if anything, that question makes me angry.
- You know? Right? - [LAUGHING.]
[CHUCKLING.]
: Yeah.
Okay, you're right.
Yeah, something did make me angry recently.
Oh.
What was that? Well, it was yesterday.
I was walking in Eastings Park, and, uh beautiful day in the But you know what? It's always a beautiful day here.
I've been here for a while now, and it's It's never not a beautiful day here.
It's it's kind of creepy.
Anyway, beautiful day, and I'm walking to the park, and I see a small crowd gathered over there, and a couple of old guys hunched over a board on a little table, and I'm thinking, "Neat, some park chess.
" - Mm.
- "I'll go take a gander.
" And I-I get a little closer, and I realize they're-they're not playing chess.
They're playing checkers.
What, are you fucking kidding me? So I said, "Hey, everyone, I didn't get the memo.
"When did society just give up? "Do you not see that we are striding backwards? "When does this end? When we devolve "into a-a single-celled mindless organism and slink back into the primordial swamp?" And then one of the old geezers says, "Hey, I'm trying to concentrate.
" And I was like, "What the fuck are you ? "It's fucking checkers! Concentrate? What are you, six years old?" I grabbed a handful of checkers, I shoved 'em down his throat! His teeth came out his false teeth, I assume.
Whatever.
I don't care.
And suddenly I The crowd turns on me.
They drag me off the guy.
So I I left.
I mean, I tried.
I tried but I failed.
Humanity, clearly, has just surrendered.
I mean, do we all get our own little white flags, or is there gonna be one big giant flag for us all? I like backgammon.
Yeah, backgammon is fun.
- FRANKIE: Ooh.
- MARCO: Oh-ho.
[FRANKIE CLEARS THROAT, MARCO CHUCKLES.]
- That was fun.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- This night is full of surprises.
- Yeah.
I just I got to ask, you're okay with the daddy talk, right? - Oh.
- It's a dominance thing.
- Yeah, I guess so.
Um - Okay.
Hmm.
It's not like a weird dad thing for you, is it? Oh, my God, no.
- We're super close, actually.
- Oh, good.
Great.
Yeah.
I mean, we haven't spoken in, like - five years.
I don't know.
- Wait.
What?! - [DOOR OPENS.]
- Hey, Pedro! - PEDRO: Hello.
- How's it going? Going good.
- Take the body? - Oh, yeah.
They're right over there.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Well - Well Yeah.
This was, um - This was a lot of fun.
- Yeah.
Maybe we can stay in touch or something? - Yeah.
I mean, you have my number.
- Yeah? Hey! You cool if I just cut the body up right here? Oh, yeah, that's fine.
Knock yourself out.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- [POWER SAW BUZZING.]
- Maybe we can continue to talk about our Puerto Rican tree house/prison fantasy? My Puerto Rican tree house/prison.
- Okay.
- [SAWING MANUALLY.]
[BOTH MOANING.]
- Okay, that's enough.
- Oh, o-okay.
Daddy's got to go on a work trip now.
Oh, all-all right.
Are you gonna miss Daddy? - Um, yeah.
- Yeah? Then fucking say it.
[POWER SAW BUZZING.]
I'm gonna miss you, Daddy.
All right, cool.
- Okay.
- All right.
I'll see you around.
Okay.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [SAWING MANUALLY.]
[SPUTTERS, CHUCKLES.]
Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
What a night, right, Pedro? Hey, I hear you're a softball fan.
Uh, I'm the, uh, batboy - for the department's team.
- Yeah.
You go to the ball games, too? Padres games? Whatever? - I try to, yeah.
- Yeah? You stand up when you sing the national anthem? - Yes.
- You're patriotic, right? - Yes.
- Hand over your heart.
- Cap off.
- Yes.
It's the national anthem, right? Sing it.
Uh, I don't want to sing the I mean, you know the song.
Do you know the national anthem, Detective? Do you know the song? - Yes.
- Sing it.
Do you know the song or did you lie, Detective?! Sing it! O say can you see By the dawn's Early light BOTH: What so proudly we hailed At the twilight's last gleaming Whose broad stripes and bright stars Through the perilous fight O'er the ramparts we watched Were so gallantly streaming? And the rockets' red glare The bombs bursting in air [QUIETLY.]
: Gave proof [MUMBLING.]
: Through the night That our flag Was still there, O Say Does that star-spangled Banner yet wave? [EXHALES.]
Coffee! Coffee! I-I forgot the coffee again.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Jesus Christ.
[EXHALES.]
- Copy that.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
Janice speaking.
Right now? Yeah, sure.
I'll be right there.
Bye.
- What's up? - Yeah.
Boss wants to see me.
Must be about those extra shifts.
- Hey.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- You're on a roll.
- Yeah.
- [KNOCKING.]
- Hello, Chief Petite.
Janice, you, uh, close the door, please.
- Yep.
- Uh - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Jamal here has told me that, uh, you forced him into a sexual encounter and made him very uncomfortable.
- This is bullshit! - Really Please, can you not ? - That's my I need my phone! - This is bullshit! - What are you talking about?! - Just - I didn't do anything! - Settle down, okay? Okay, put the gun down! - [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING.]
- Security! - JANICE: I'll do it, I'll do it.
- What? Get off me.
Get off me.
Get You cocksuckers! Get off me! [SCREAMS.]
Get off me! - Oh, no.
- CHIEF: Jesus, Janice! JANICE: Get off me! [DOOR OPENS.]
LEON: Right.
Sorry about that, Detective.
Here's your coffee.
Uh, do you have any water? Unfortunately, no.
[GRUNTS.]
- You okay? - It's just - it's really hot in here.
- Is it? Well, the thermostat's right there.
I mean, you could've just turned it down.
Oh, I-I didn't know that I was allowed to Well, yeah, you're a grown-ass man.
I mean, take charge of your own destiny, right? Yeah.
So, have you, uh, had a chance to remember anything about this actress? Yes.
Here it is.
Uh, it started fine.
It was all normal.
And then, uh, she started flirting with me, and she-she said that I could be in her movie.
And we gave her our guns and and then she took our guns and she was holding them against my head and she made me eat doughnuts.
And then she threatened to kill me and unless I begged for my life.
And so I begged for my life so she didn't shoot me.
And then she gave my gun back and to Tolbeck as well and then she I swear to God she left, and I've never seen her since.
That's all I know, and that is everything that happened.
I swear, that's all that h And I know it's bad, but that's all.
I didn't kill her.
[SIGHS.]
We already know all that.
- You know that? - Yeah.
And we don't care.
An actress has gone missing.
Oh, no.
Where will we ever find another one? Are you asking me that? What? No, I'm not asking you that, - Detective.
I don't care about - No.
- actresses, Detective.
- Right.
I care about the integrity of the San Diego Police Department.
Right.
Are you aware that we are in the midst of the biggest police corruption scandal this department has had in the last four decades? JANICE: Get off me, you joney motherfuckers! Don't touch me! [SCREAMS.]
Get away from me! I'll give you fucking rabies, you assholes! Stop it! Are you familiar with the Duck Egg Test, Detective? No.
If your FBI application is successful, on your first day of training, you will be given a duck egg.
From that moment forward, you are tasked with the responsibility of the successful hatching and raising of the little baby duck inside that egg.
- While I'm training? - Absolutely.
You ever seen an FBI agent order duck at a restaurant? The answer is no, Detective, and you never will, because of the bond formed during the Duck Egg Test.
At some point during your training, you will receive a message six words "The duck is no longer viable.
" What does that mean? I'm supposed to kill the duck? That's exactly right, Detective.
Very good.
And it is this point that three-quarters of applicants fail their FBI training.
So, what do you do? I kill the duck.
- Just like that? - Mm-hmm.
Well, then you have failed your training.
You've revealed yourself to be a psychopath, incapable of forming meaningful connections.
That's how they weed you out.
So I-I don't kill the duck.
If you don't kill the duck, then you've shown that you're incapable of following orders.
And you've failed your training.
So, how do I pass the test? In order to pass the test, you need to feel something.
You need to cry, you need to scream.
You need to rail against the injustice.
You need to understand what it is to be alive on this planet, to realize that there is no objective reality, only a vaguely agreed-upon set of conventions that we call right and wrong.
And then you need to kill the duck.
How? It's up to you.
Shoot it in the face.
Wring its neck.
Chop its head off.
Pluck it, cook it, eat it.
A lot of guys just smash it with a brick.
Whatever.
It's a fucking duck.
How hard can it be? Right.
Then and only then can you call yourself an FBI agent.
Okay.
Okay.
Your partner's on the, uh, department softball team, - is that right? - Well, he's the batboy.
That softball team is the epicenter of police corruption in San Diego.
Are you s Tolbeck? No way.
- You seem very certain.
- Well, yeah.
Yeah.
He's-he's Tolbeck.
How well do you know him? Too well.
You haven't noticed any change in his spending behavior? Well, actually, he has kind of been throwing his money around a bit.
He-he bought a new suit lately.
- We know.
- And shoes.
And he started smoking these really expensive cigars.
We know.
No.
I mean What, Tolbeck? No, surely not.
Detective, we know your partner is dirty.
And now you know he's dirty.
And we need you to find out how much he knows, how deep it goes, and who the leader is.
Shit.
The next time we meet, I hope I can address you as Special Agent Cullen.
That man across the hall is your duck egg.
Skimming the pages I'm crossing the road The longer I live here The less that I know Chose to forget what I felt When you walked away.
MAN: Guh-doosh.
[WHIP CRACKING.]
[DRUMS BEATING, TRIBAL GRUNT.]
- 43 fights, 43 kills.
- Mm-hmm.
Empty my accounts and put it all on Big Boy.
MARCO: Come on, Nathan.
- [AUDIENCE GASPS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah! He did it! I'm playing a cop.
Can I hold your gun? - Here we go.
- Beg for your fucking life.
Please let me live.
Please be advised that Leon Fordham - is en route to the scene.
- Hi.
Do you want to go deep-sea fishing? - Yeah, we'll come.
- I won't.
I'm I get seasick.
But, uh, you guys have fun.
[MUFFLED.]
: Hey.
[WHISPERS.]
: What did you do? What? [INAUDIBLE.]
I can't hear you.
Why are we here? You-you want to go to dinner after this? This is your fault.
Sure, I can drive.
- What? - What? What did you do? I didn't do anything.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- LEON: Good evening.
Hi, I'm Senior Detective Leon Fordham.
Internal Affairs.
- Hey.
Yeah, we've met.
- I don't think so.
No, we did.
Uh, I think you came to our car a while ago.
You were having kind of a difficult day.
I think you have me confused with someone else.
Uh, no, no, you Remember, you invited us deep-sea fishing.
I think you have me confused with someone else.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right.
So anything you want to tell me? About ? About anything unusual that may have occurred recently while you were on duty? Um No, I don't think so.
I believe you had an actress in your car for a ride-along a few nights ago? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anything unusual happen that night? No.
No, pretty standard.
[CHUCKLES.]
- She's pretty, right? - No.
You don't think she's pretty? Uh You seem confused about her, Detective.
- Mm.
- Which I find interesting.
Because she's missing.
Oh.
Bombshell, right? [CHUCKLES.]
: Right.
I mean, no.
I mean, yes.
It's not funny.
I, I'm sorry to hear that.
I hope she's okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- Right.
You want a coffee? - That'd be great.
Oh, I hear through the grapevine that you applied for the FBI.
Oh, yeah.
That's great.
Hope this whole actress thing doesn't fuck that up for you.
That was a yes on the coffee, right? Mm-hmm.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING.]
While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
That bird was a fucking lock.
A fucking lock! Jesus.
But then again, it wasn't, was it? It was the big loss of the century.
They took all my money.
All my money.
I'm completely broke, and all because you couldn't keep your hands - out of your pants.
- That's not fair.
Whoa, Janice.
You're carrying a gun? Hell yeah, I'm carrying a gun.
- Got cockfighting debt.
- [GROANS.]
Why wouldn't I carry a gun? And it's loaded.
- God, Janice, it's huge.
- Yeah.
- Pretty big.
- Is it heavy? Yeah, it's heavy.
I just ordered a new round of bullets.
But, you know, I got to get some extra shifts.
I got to make some more dough.
What am I gonna do? Hey, Janice.
Hey, Jamal.
What's happening? I'm about to go on an apple break.
- Oh, yeah? - You want to join me? Mm, maybe not today.
JAMAL: Come on.
It's like a coffee break - but with apples.
- Yeah.
I don't think so.
Yeah.
I guess you're busy.
Well, there's your apple, anyway.
- Thanks, Jamal.
- You ladies enjoy the evening.
Mm-hmm.
Bye, Jamal.
[JANICE SIGHS.]
- Money.
- What? Huh? Why didn't you go with him? - Who, Jamal? - Just go and take your mind off your problems.
I insist.
- I think it would be really good for you.
- [SIGHS.]
- Just have an apple.
- All right.
If it means getting you off my back, I'll do it.
How to have a great day.
Step one: lose all your money.
Step two: have an apple with a divorcé.
Step three: carry a loaded gun so you can blow your fucking brains out.
Jamal! - HELEN: So, the cockfight's over? - MARCO: Yeah, that's right.
HELEN: So, why are you still there? MARCO: I-I-I'm tying up loose ends.
That's how it works in the field, Helen.
You don't get it, okay? [CHUCKLES.]
- [LINE DISCONNECTS.]
- Goddamn it, Helen.
Did you just hang up again? - Oh.
That was exciting.
- Oh, man.
- That was exciting.
- I know.
Yeah.
Did you see him? People were calling that the upset of the century.
- Well, it fucking was.
- Right? - Everybody loved it.
- Yeah, well not everybody.
- Oh, yeah, of course.
- He didn't love it.
- Except for the dead guy.
- Bad night for him.
I had no idea that was even a thing.
Kill the trainer of the losing bird? Who knew? It's not usually.
I mean, it happens from time to time, but not always.
So, should we both wait for Pedro to come take the body? Oh, no.
You don't have to wait.
- I'm fine.
- Oh, no way.
I don't want to leave you alone to do it.
- Okay.
I guess.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
FRANKIE: Oh, hey.
Did you notice when they were carrying Nathan out? I-I know he was, like, all ruffled and covered in blood, - but I could have sworn - So much blood.
that he, like, looked over his little rooster shoulder at us.
- He 100% did.
- Did you see that? - Okay, you saw it.
Yeah.
- He 100% did.
I felt like he was looking at us to say - thank you.
- Yes.
- That's exactly how I felt.
- Right? - Yeah.
- And I gave him one of these right back.
- I did, too.
- You know? - I know.
- Where is he? Right now? Where is he right now, and what is he doing? I want to know everything.
- He's living a fabulous life.
- Really? Oh, my God, yeah.
He's probably, like, kicking back with El Chappie right now in Puerto Rico.
Experiencing some much deserved R and R.
- Oh, yeah.
He's living the life.
- [SIGHS.]
- Boy, that sounds great.
- Yeah.
- How cool.
You know, we should go.
- I know.
- To Puerto Rico? - Yeah.
But no.
I-I mean, obviously, I'm just, like, whatever.
But, like, I've always wanted to go to Puerto Rico.
Yeah, I mean - we could go.
- We - Yeah.
- And we could, like, I don't know.
I mean, I'm just spitballing, but, like what if we lived in a tree house? Fuck you.
Have you been reading my journal? CULLEN: Tolbeck.
[TAPPING ON GLASS.]
It's about the actress.
Don't mention the guns.
- Huh? - Don't say we gave her our guns.
- What? - [FOOTFALLS APPROACHING.]
Oh.
- Hey, Leon, what's up? - Good evening.
I'm Senior Detective Leon Fordham, Internal Affairs.
Yeah, I know.
I think you have me confused with someone else.
It's me, Tolbeck.
We went deep-sea fishing together.
I think you have me confused with someone else.
So, what do you want to talk about? Um I'm not sure.
Um You know, people say you can't really make friends as adults.
What do you say we prove them wrong? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, okay.
You know, I heard recently that there are more Panda Express restaurants worldwide than there are actual pandas.
You think that's true? Maybe.
Um, has the interrogation started yet? - Or - Oh, yeah, we're in it.
Yeah.
Just feels like a super chill, friendly hang, though, right? - [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
- Yeah.
This is not one of those interrogations where I try to trick you, you know? It's not like on TV where the bad guy suddenly slips up - and admits everything.
- Mm-hmm.
That doesn't happen in real life.
Does it? No, I guess not.
Um, so, wh-what are you interrogating me about? Oh, of course.
But wait, before I forget.
I got you something.
- Oh.
- Go ahead, open it.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Okay.
Oh.
- What ? - Put it on.
O-Okay.
That looks great on you.
Thank you.
Did you get me anything? - Uh - I'm kidding.
I know you didn't get me anything.
But what would you have gotten me? Well, I Oh, you know what? I have a really nice cigar that I've been carrying around.
You can have it.
Thank you.
Arturo Cohiba.
That's an expensive cigar.
- Very.
- Well, treating yourself.
And why not, right? YOLO.
You only live once.
I know what YOLO means, Detective.
Oh.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Thank you for this.
It's very thoughtful.
And unexpected.
Well, I better get back over to you know.
I don't want to play favorites, because this is not a game, but [WHISPERS.]
: you are mine.
Oh, I'm gonna need that necklace back.
Could you do me a favor and just rewrap it exactly as it was originally wrapped? Oh.
Exactly? Okay, I'll try.
Thanks, pal.
We can live in the tallest tree house in town.
- Yes.
- And I can build you a special room - Okay.
- right at the tippy top - of the tree house.
- Yes! - Yeah.
Yeah.
- I love that.
I'm gonna lock you up real high so no one can ever look at you.
- Curious.
- There's also gonna be no door, - just a slit in the wall.
- Huh.
And that's where I slide your food into.
- Okay.
- Once a day, small portions.
- Got to keep it tight.
- Okay.
Uh, I'm not sure about this Rapunzel-like prison room, exactly.
Why is it that I'm there? Because you're only hungry for me.
Okay, got it, got it, got it, got it.
So, I know we're just talking, but I'm into the idea of going to Puerto Rico and hanging out.
- And why am I ? - Shut up and kiss me with that idiot mouth.
[BOTH MOANING.]
Oh.
- Oh, Daddy likes that.
- Oh, yeah, Daddy does.
Nope.
I'm Daddy.
- Wait.
Really? - Yes.
Oh.
Okay.
Then who am I? You're Daddy's baby girl.
- I am? - You're Daddy's beautiful baby girl.
- Oh, okay.
Huh.
- Mm-hmm.
[WHISPERING.]
: Now shut up and kiss Daddy.
Okay.
- [BOTH MOANING.]
- Yeah.
Mmm.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Sorry about that.
Right, so where were we? Uh, you told me that, uh, that actress had gone missing.
Right, so do you know where she is? No.
- You own or rent? - Me? Uh, I rent.
Smart.
Yeah, you don't want to buy in this market.
- Yeah.
- You got a freezer at home? - Yeah.
- She in it? No.
You got neighbors, nice neighbors? Yeah, they they're pretty good neighbors, yeah.
They hear her scream when you killed her? No, because I didn't I did not kill her.
What about the views? You got nice views? Yeah, I mean, yeah, I can see the ocean from my balcony.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Did you throw her off the balcony? No.
No.
You got a nice modern kitchen? You like to cook? I do, but I feel like whatever I say now, the next question's gonna be "Did you cut her up?" - Did you? - No! Hey, if the knife fits, as they say.
Who says that? I I-I'm I don't I don't know where she is.
I didn't kill her, I didn't touch her.
I-I I didn't even know where she was from.
Like, I I didn't I don't know her.
Uh-huh.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm just joshing you, Detective.
- We don't think you killed her.
- Are you serious? Yeah, we don't even think she's dead.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
And of course I remember you, Detective Cullen.
Oh, great.
I was I didn't I thought you were I didn't I just thought you were embarrassed about I didn't I didn't know No, no.
In fact, you should have come deep-sea fishing with your partner and me.
- I mean, we had a blast.
- Oh, yeah.
I mean, I'm sure he told you all about it.
Yeah.
Yeah, he did.
He did.
Hey, what happened to that guy? I mean, did you ever get closure on that guy that you liked, or ? Guy that ? Oh, no, no.
No.
I'm not gay.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I thought I was, - briefly, but, uh, I'm not.
- Not gay? - Nope.
- Oh.
I was just a little confused, which is normal and natural.
Yeah, totally.
My wife was the one who finally figured it all out.
Hmm.
Nothing like the love of a good woman to set you straight.
So, anyway, I'm sorry.
I-I-I do.
I have to ask you these routine questions here, and I'm sorry about separating you and your partner.
- Stupid protocol.
- It's fine.
We'll see if we can get you out of here, quick as a bunny.
- Okay.
- I mean, as quick as we can, given that someone has been murdered.
I thought you you just said you were joking about that.
- Did I? - Yeah.
Hmm.
Yeah, I guess I did.
Well, you know that old technique, right? Tell them everything's okay, see how they react.
And now I've seen how you reacted.
Haven't I? Yeah.
Oh.
[EXCLAIMS.]
Stupid me.
I forgot your coffee.
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS.]
Sorry.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Copy that.
Dispatch out.
[GROANS SOFTLY.]
Well? Well? Well, what? Well, how did it go? You've been gone for, like, a half an hour, and you look much more like yourself.
Huh? Yeah.
It was nice.
It was great.
It was actually a nice distraction, so thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Mm-hmm.
What'd you guys talk about? I don't know.
We didn't really I don't remember saying anything.
I don't remember talking at all.
We just fucked.
What? You-you-you had sex with Jamal? What'd you think we were gonna do? - I told you to go have an apple.
- [SCOFFS.]
"Apple" is code for "fucking.
" "Green apple" is code for hand job.
"Candy apple" is code for fucking in the ass.
- What?! I had no idea.
- Yeah.
Are you kidding me? That's third-grade knowledge.
- Wow.
- Anywhoozle, I feel a lot better.
I want to thank you, and I was thinking about you a little bit in there, so I know how you like big staplers, so I got you a nice big black one.
- I do love staplers.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
- It's broken.
Yeah.
Well, I know how that happened.
There's more in the supply closet.
You just might want to wait a minute, all right? Let it air out a little bit.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Okay? Okay, you having fun? I guess.
Okay, next question.
What makes you angry? That's kind of a dumb question.
You know what? You you don't have to answer that.
I tell you, if anything, that question makes me angry.
- You know? Right? - [LAUGHING.]
[CHUCKLING.]
: Yeah.
Okay, you're right.
Yeah, something did make me angry recently.
Oh.
What was that? Well, it was yesterday.
I was walking in Eastings Park, and, uh beautiful day in the But you know what? It's always a beautiful day here.
I've been here for a while now, and it's It's never not a beautiful day here.
It's it's kind of creepy.
Anyway, beautiful day, and I'm walking to the park, and I see a small crowd gathered over there, and a couple of old guys hunched over a board on a little table, and I'm thinking, "Neat, some park chess.
" - Mm.
- "I'll go take a gander.
" And I-I get a little closer, and I realize they're-they're not playing chess.
They're playing checkers.
What, are you fucking kidding me? So I said, "Hey, everyone, I didn't get the memo.
"When did society just give up? "Do you not see that we are striding backwards? "When does this end? When we devolve "into a-a single-celled mindless organism and slink back into the primordial swamp?" And then one of the old geezers says, "Hey, I'm trying to concentrate.
" And I was like, "What the fuck are you ? "It's fucking checkers! Concentrate? What are you, six years old?" I grabbed a handful of checkers, I shoved 'em down his throat! His teeth came out his false teeth, I assume.
Whatever.
I don't care.
And suddenly I The crowd turns on me.
They drag me off the guy.
So I I left.
I mean, I tried.
I tried but I failed.
Humanity, clearly, has just surrendered.
I mean, do we all get our own little white flags, or is there gonna be one big giant flag for us all? I like backgammon.
Yeah, backgammon is fun.
- FRANKIE: Ooh.
- MARCO: Oh-ho.
[FRANKIE CLEARS THROAT, MARCO CHUCKLES.]
- That was fun.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- This night is full of surprises.
- Yeah.
I just I got to ask, you're okay with the daddy talk, right? - Oh.
- It's a dominance thing.
- Yeah, I guess so.
Um - Okay.
Hmm.
It's not like a weird dad thing for you, is it? Oh, my God, no.
- We're super close, actually.
- Oh, good.
Great.
Yeah.
I mean, we haven't spoken in, like - five years.
I don't know.
- Wait.
What?! - [DOOR OPENS.]
- Hey, Pedro! - PEDRO: Hello.
- How's it going? Going good.
- Take the body? - Oh, yeah.
They're right over there.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Well - Well Yeah.
This was, um - This was a lot of fun.
- Yeah.
Maybe we can stay in touch or something? - Yeah.
I mean, you have my number.
- Yeah? Hey! You cool if I just cut the body up right here? Oh, yeah, that's fine.
Knock yourself out.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- [POWER SAW BUZZING.]
- Maybe we can continue to talk about our Puerto Rican tree house/prison fantasy? My Puerto Rican tree house/prison.
- Okay.
- [SAWING MANUALLY.]
[BOTH MOANING.]
- Okay, that's enough.
- Oh, o-okay.
Daddy's got to go on a work trip now.
Oh, all-all right.
Are you gonna miss Daddy? - Um, yeah.
- Yeah? Then fucking say it.
[POWER SAW BUZZING.]
I'm gonna miss you, Daddy.
All right, cool.
- Okay.
- All right.
I'll see you around.
Okay.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [SAWING MANUALLY.]
[SPUTTERS, CHUCKLES.]
Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
What a night, right, Pedro? Hey, I hear you're a softball fan.
Uh, I'm the, uh, batboy - for the department's team.
- Yeah.
You go to the ball games, too? Padres games? Whatever? - I try to, yeah.
- Yeah? You stand up when you sing the national anthem? - Yes.
- You're patriotic, right? - Yes.
- Hand over your heart.
- Cap off.
- Yes.
It's the national anthem, right? Sing it.
Uh, I don't want to sing the I mean, you know the song.
Do you know the national anthem, Detective? Do you know the song? - Yes.
- Sing it.
Do you know the song or did you lie, Detective?! Sing it! O say can you see By the dawn's Early light BOTH: What so proudly we hailed At the twilight's last gleaming Whose broad stripes and bright stars Through the perilous fight O'er the ramparts we watched Were so gallantly streaming? And the rockets' red glare The bombs bursting in air [QUIETLY.]
: Gave proof [MUMBLING.]
: Through the night That our flag Was still there, O Say Does that star-spangled Banner yet wave? [EXHALES.]
Coffee! Coffee! I-I forgot the coffee again.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Jesus Christ.
[EXHALES.]
- Copy that.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
Janice speaking.
Right now? Yeah, sure.
I'll be right there.
Bye.
- What's up? - Yeah.
Boss wants to see me.
Must be about those extra shifts.
- Hey.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- You're on a roll.
- Yeah.
- [KNOCKING.]
- Hello, Chief Petite.
Janice, you, uh, close the door, please.
- Yep.
- Uh - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Jamal here has told me that, uh, you forced him into a sexual encounter and made him very uncomfortable.
- This is bullshit! - Really Please, can you not ? - That's my I need my phone! - This is bullshit! - What are you talking about?! - Just - I didn't do anything! - Settle down, okay? Okay, put the gun down! - [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING.]
- Security! - JANICE: I'll do it, I'll do it.
- What? Get off me.
Get off me.
Get You cocksuckers! Get off me! [SCREAMS.]
Get off me! - Oh, no.
- CHIEF: Jesus, Janice! JANICE: Get off me! [DOOR OPENS.]
LEON: Right.
Sorry about that, Detective.
Here's your coffee.
Uh, do you have any water? Unfortunately, no.
[GRUNTS.]
- You okay? - It's just - it's really hot in here.
- Is it? Well, the thermostat's right there.
I mean, you could've just turned it down.
Oh, I-I didn't know that I was allowed to Well, yeah, you're a grown-ass man.
I mean, take charge of your own destiny, right? Yeah.
So, have you, uh, had a chance to remember anything about this actress? Yes.
Here it is.
Uh, it started fine.
It was all normal.
And then, uh, she started flirting with me, and she-she said that I could be in her movie.
And we gave her our guns and and then she took our guns and she was holding them against my head and she made me eat doughnuts.
And then she threatened to kill me and unless I begged for my life.
And so I begged for my life so she didn't shoot me.
And then she gave my gun back and to Tolbeck as well and then she I swear to God she left, and I've never seen her since.
That's all I know, and that is everything that happened.
I swear, that's all that h And I know it's bad, but that's all.
I didn't kill her.
[SIGHS.]
We already know all that.
- You know that? - Yeah.
And we don't care.
An actress has gone missing.
Oh, no.
Where will we ever find another one? Are you asking me that? What? No, I'm not asking you that, - Detective.
I don't care about - No.
- actresses, Detective.
- Right.
I care about the integrity of the San Diego Police Department.
Right.
Are you aware that we are in the midst of the biggest police corruption scandal this department has had in the last four decades? JANICE: Get off me, you joney motherfuckers! Don't touch me! [SCREAMS.]
Get away from me! I'll give you fucking rabies, you assholes! Stop it! Are you familiar with the Duck Egg Test, Detective? No.
If your FBI application is successful, on your first day of training, you will be given a duck egg.
From that moment forward, you are tasked with the responsibility of the successful hatching and raising of the little baby duck inside that egg.
- While I'm training? - Absolutely.
You ever seen an FBI agent order duck at a restaurant? The answer is no, Detective, and you never will, because of the bond formed during the Duck Egg Test.
At some point during your training, you will receive a message six words "The duck is no longer viable.
" What does that mean? I'm supposed to kill the duck? That's exactly right, Detective.
Very good.
And it is this point that three-quarters of applicants fail their FBI training.
So, what do you do? I kill the duck.
- Just like that? - Mm-hmm.
Well, then you have failed your training.
You've revealed yourself to be a psychopath, incapable of forming meaningful connections.
That's how they weed you out.
So I-I don't kill the duck.
If you don't kill the duck, then you've shown that you're incapable of following orders.
And you've failed your training.
So, how do I pass the test? In order to pass the test, you need to feel something.
You need to cry, you need to scream.
You need to rail against the injustice.
You need to understand what it is to be alive on this planet, to realize that there is no objective reality, only a vaguely agreed-upon set of conventions that we call right and wrong.
And then you need to kill the duck.
How? It's up to you.
Shoot it in the face.
Wring its neck.
Chop its head off.
Pluck it, cook it, eat it.
A lot of guys just smash it with a brick.
Whatever.
It's a fucking duck.
How hard can it be? Right.
Then and only then can you call yourself an FBI agent.
Okay.
Okay.
Your partner's on the, uh, department softball team, - is that right? - Well, he's the batboy.
That softball team is the epicenter of police corruption in San Diego.
Are you s Tolbeck? No way.
- You seem very certain.
- Well, yeah.
Yeah.
He's-he's Tolbeck.
How well do you know him? Too well.
You haven't noticed any change in his spending behavior? Well, actually, he has kind of been throwing his money around a bit.
He-he bought a new suit lately.
- We know.
- And shoes.
And he started smoking these really expensive cigars.
We know.
No.
I mean What, Tolbeck? No, surely not.
Detective, we know your partner is dirty.
And now you know he's dirty.
And we need you to find out how much he knows, how deep it goes, and who the leader is.
Shit.
The next time we meet, I hope I can address you as Special Agent Cullen.
That man across the hall is your duck egg.
Skimming the pages I'm crossing the road The longer I live here The less that I know Chose to forget what I felt When you walked away.
MAN: Guh-doosh.
[WHIP CRACKING.]
[DRUMS BEATING, TRIBAL GRUNT.]