No Good Nick (2019) s02e04 Episode Script

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Everyone is always making fun of me, but now aren't you all glad I insisted we get theft insurance on our phones? Yes, Jeremy.
Thanks for being an old man in a young man's body.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[PHONE DINGS.]
Whoa, looks like they figured out who stole all the phones from school.
It was Nick's friend Will.
What? No way.
Yeah, and no-one has seen him since '90s day.
Oh, my God.
I bet he used that horse.
Er.
You know what this means? Eric was right.
- It was a Trojan horse conspiracy.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Nick, did you see anything suspicious? I mean, you were with him in the hallway when he had that big bag.
You don't think the phones were in the bag, do you? Did I accidentally help him rob the school? Oh, my God.
I feel terrible.
Don't.
He fooled you like he did everyone else.
It's not your fault.
Yeah, no one's blaming you.
But if you remember anything he said, we should probably go to the police, because it could help with the investigation.
Didn't you say you two spent the whole day together? We were in the library during free period, but I didn't see anything.
Well, you must have seen something.
I wish I did.
[EXHALES.]
I can't believe I trusted him.
I mean, I didn't even know what was in the bag when he asked me to help.
I guess you never really know a person.
[PHONE DINGS.]
Oh, look, my update just finished.
Jeremy, will you help me sync it to my laptop? Oh.
Who's the old man now? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Great news - First, try one of my new mini pizzas.
- Brussels sprouts? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Who puts Brussels sprouts on pizza? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Top chefs, that's who.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Mm.
- Right? Okay, what was your great news? Well, tomorrow morning, I have a meeting with Ms.
Chang.
Oh, is she returning her diamond necklace already? Not for a couple more weeks, but I'm trying to get her to consolidate all of her accounts with us so I can get that promotion.
Oh, that's great.
I'd love to sit in on the meeting and watch you work your magic.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I know you took this internship to soak up my boss banking skills, but - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- this is more of a closed door sitch.
Don't worry, Nick, the only thing you're missing out on is watching Ed schmooze and suck up.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Hey, sucking up is how we stand out from the crowd and my suck-up game is strong.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh, the Brussels sprout fell.
Well, I guess I'll just - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- pick it up and eat it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Mm! Floor sprouts! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT OPENING CREDITS PLAYING.]
Alright, where's your laptop? This isn't about the phone.
I don't know any other way to say this, but I think Nick's lying to us.
About what? About everything.
Yesterday, she said she was in the library, but Tamika was there and didn't see her at all.
They didn't see each other.
So what? It's more than that.
Nick said she didn't know what was in Will's bag, but when I saw her in the hallway, she said it was filled with '90s trivia prizes.
- Where are you going with this? - It's just I feel like something suspicious is going on.
Nick's been totally distant from me.
Like she's hiding something.
Ah.
I know what this is.
You have had a problem with Nick ever since Dad brought her to Take Your Kids to Work Day.
But let me tell you the same thing Mom told me.
Nick is not a threat to you.
[SIGHS.]
She's your best friend.
Nick says she's my best friend, but I know she's still keeping secrets.
You're just being paranoid.
I have looked into Nick's past from every possible angle and I assure you that she's legit.
Did you look into hospital records? Check the enrollment of local schools? As a matter of fact, I did not.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Did you even check her fingerprints? Man, why didn't I think of that? - Hey, we should Wait.
No, no, no, no.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I am not going down that path again.
Well, maybe I will.
What if Nick did know what Will was up to? What if they stole those phones together? Wow.
Is this how bonkers I used to sound? [SCOFFS.]
I am so sorry.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [POP ROCK INSTRUMENTALS.]
The dogs sure are barking a lot tonight.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Something, something, meow, meow, meow.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Here's your money.
That is not the pass-phrase.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
But I'll make an exception this time.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Nice.
- I have a question.
- Hmm? I know these payments have only been for interest on the loan.
But what if I had a plan to pay back the full 100 grand? If you could come up with 100 grand, we may have a job opening for you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Working for people who beat up my dad isn't exactly on my vision board.
I just want him to be safe.
Hey, you pay back the 100K and he will be.
And just to show you there are no hard feelings, we'll even let him have his restaurant space back.
Seriously? Sure.
Why not? You have no idea what that place means to us.
It's like our home, our family, and every good thing that's ever happened to us all rolled into one.
[SIGHS.]
If we could get Franzelli's back it would be like getting our lives back.
Well I'm really rooting for you, kid.
Great.
Then I need you to tell me how to rob a bank.
- [LAUGHS.]
Ro - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Wait, you're serious? There's something in a safe-deposit box I have my eye on.
And if this works, once my dad gets out and we get the restaurant back we can go back to living our lives.
Okay, kid.
You have to understand, this is a long shot, but if you're going to do it you'd better do it right.
[HEIST INSTRUMENTALS.]
[PAUL.]
The first step to robbing a bank is get to know everyone and what they do.
Especially if it's going to be an inside job.
Morning, Jackson.
One toasted onion bagel with veggie cream cheese.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thanks, Nick.
You've got to be the best intern we've ever had.
Hey, I've got one for you.
How many bankers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but the rest of them all take interest.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh, Presley, how's Cosmo doing? Oh, much better, thanks, Nick.
He's back at doggy day care.
Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
Yeah.
Turns out it was a 3 lb.
hairball.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Want to see a picture? Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
Maybe after lunch.
- [HEIST INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[PAUL.]
Next, you want to find an excuse to get in the safe-deposit box room and get the layout.
Thanks.
[EXHALES.]
This is so cool.
I always wanted my own safe-deposit box.
- No problem.
- [TIN SCRAPES.]
We had a few unrented ones.
Might as well let you continue your education in the wonderful world of banking.
These are some things from my parents, but I look forward to the day I can deposit something with more than just sentimental value.
Excellent goal.
It's nice that you come to work with me.
I like having family here.
[NICK CHUCKLES.]
And I like being here.
Ooh, it's almost time for my meeting.
I have a little more research to do on Chang Industrial Fasteners - before she gets here.
- [TIN SCRAPES.]
Also [SIGHS.]
I have to break it to her that my name isn't actually Thomas.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [HEIST INSTRUMENTALS.]
[PAUL.]
You'll also need to keep an eye out for where the security cameras are.
[ED.]
Okay.
[ED.]
So this is your key.
Just come find me or Presley anytime you want to come back in here.
Got it.
[HEIST INSTRUMENTALS.]
[PAUL.]
You'll need to make a copy of the master key.
[PAUL.]
Some putty hidden in a compact should allow you to get an impression.
Well I'd better go prep for my meeting.
I'd be happy to take the master key back to Presley for you.
I guess you are technically an employee.
Plus I trust you more than anyone else at the bank.
Aaron steals lunches from the fridge.
- [NICK LAUGHS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Here.
- [KEYS JINGLE.]
Your key is safe with me.
[ED CHUCKLES.]
[HEIST INSTRUMENTALS.]
[PAUL.]
And finally, you'll need to make a copy of the client key.
[PAUL.]
You're gonna have to work some magic on that one.
[PAUL.]
Good luck.
[HEIST INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [GASPS.]
- [ITEMS CLATTER.]
My purse! What the hell? - Oh, my gosh.
I am so sorry.
- [SIGHS.]
- Here, let me help you.
- [LIZ.]
I've got those.
No, I've got it.
Liz? Here you go.
- Thank you.
- [KEYS JINGLE.]
I swear the help around here gets worse every day.
Security person, I'd like to file a complaint.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Great.
What else could go wrong with Ms.
Chang today? I gather the meeting didn't go well? Oh, Ms.
Chang agreed that she should consolidate her accounts, but she's leaning towards another bank.
Wait, she'd move all her accounts? Checking, savings, safe-deposit box? Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah and yeah.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Well, you can't let her.
- Oh.
Okay, I'll just go tell her.
"Ms.
Chang, you can't move your accounts because Nick says so.
" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- No.
I mean you have to convince her not to.
Do what all successful people do when trying to land a client.
Wine and dine her.
You can take her to Crescendo.
- Hell, no! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I don't want that high-maintenance diva in my restaurant for me to coddle.
No! It's the game.
Come on, honey.
If I get this promotion, it's going to mean another big raise and that's going to mean more money for our future projects.
Plus Ms.
Chang is a tastemaker among the young and rich of Portland.
She created the hashtag, "Eating while rich.
" [LIZ GASPS.]
- That's my favorite hashtag.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Exactly.
This is a golden opportunity to expose Crescendo to a higher-end clientele and take it to the next level.
Your use of buzzwords has persuaded me.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Let's do it.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Hello, Furious Nick.
Wait a second.
Furious Nick, Nick Fury.
I just got that.
Knew you'd get there.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Now listen up, soul patch.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I told the guy at the valet station that you're helping out tonight.
Here's a picture of Ms.
Chang's car.
When she shows up, take her keys and text me.
I'll come out, make a copy and you can bounce.
Er, not so fast.
Let's discuss payment.
We already agreed on a price.
That was before I realized this was the restaurant of Chef Liz Thompson.
I've heard quite a lot about her ossobuco.
Fine.
I'll get you a to-go order.
Oh, I'm going to need two.
One for me.
One for my lady friend.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- They're both for you, aren't they? - Yes.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
But I still want them.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Sad.
But done.
- [TODD GRUNTS IN CELEBRATION.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Molly! What are you doing here? Well, everyone else is here tonight and I was feeling left out, so Mom said I could come and shadow you.
I might want to work here with you and Jeremy one day.
That'd be amazing.
I miss you when I'm here.
[NICK CHUCKLES.]
[SCOFFS.]
Smudged.
I have to swap it out before Liz sees it and freaks.
[NICK SCOFFS.]
What are you doing here? Just helping out.
You know, helping people's my thing.
Liar.
What's your real reason? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Fine.
- I'm here to get Nick's fingerprints.
- Oh, God.
Okay, look, it's amusing when you're crazy at home, but this is a place of business.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- You don't get it.
From the day Nick got here, I've welcomed her with open arms.
I've thought of her as my best friend, even more, my sister.
And now, I'm starting to worry that that was all built on a lie.
I don't even feel safe around Nick anymore.
I could be sharing my room with a thief and a liar.
I need to know now.
You are going to ruin your relationship with her if you keep on acting like this.
In fact, and I did not want to have to do this but as your older brother, I forbid it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh.
You forbid it? Okay, well then I guess I'll just have to keep doing whatever I want to do.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- You know what? If you won't listen to reason, then I'm just going to have to save you from yourself.
How are you going to do that? Hey, let me just make this glass extra shiny.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Thanks, man.
Yeah.
Thanks, man.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Valet is the best way to park.
Valet is French - for "I'm super careful at parking cars.
" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm not trusting some minimum wage mouth-breather to drive my Aston Martin.
Ms.
Chang I can assure you that our valets are very experienced and trustworthy.
Fascinating.
But not really.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Hello.
Great to see you.
- Nice to see you too, Ms.
Chang.
- [JAZZ PLAYING.]
And this must be Liz.
- Your restaurant is beautiful.
- Thank you.
I can't wait to take a flavor tour of Crescendo.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Because, as a special guest, I have a very special Chef's menu planned.
Or let's pretend this is a restaurant, I'll order what I want and you make it for me.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Really? Perfectly fine.
Right, hun? [SCOFFS.]
Of course it is.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Todd, wait outside.
You're about to earn that second ossobuco.
- Can I see a dessert menu? - Get out.
- [TODD.]
Okay.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Our break is in ten minutes.
I'll show you where Liz keeps the tiramisu cream.
[GASPS.]
I'll grab the spoons.
[CHUCKLES.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
More water for table five.
You know what? That looks dirty.
Let me take it to the kitchen.
- [WATER SQUIRTING.]
- [MOLLY GASPS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
There you go.
All clean.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
What is wrong with you? Dude, not cool.
Oh, I am so sorry.
I get carried away when I'm wielding the soda gun.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[PHONE BUZZES.]
You know, adult bartenders usually get the water in the glass.
Yeah.
It's a good note.
I'll pass it along.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Psst.
Hey, hey, hey.
Mission accomplished.
Got some fancy knock-off purses.
One of these has got to match that mean lady's.
Dude, are you color blind? No.
[SCOFFS.]
These are all red.
Her purse is green.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Now I have to find another way to get the safe-deposit key out of her purse.
Hold up.
Roll it back.
You mean these purses aren't green? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- No.
- What about my jacket? - No! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[TODD.]
Huh.
Maybe I am color blind.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Excuse me.
This water is too flat.
I need something bubbly.
But not sparkling water.
That's too bubbly.
What I need is sparkling water that's been sitting out for two hours, and I need it now.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You know what else is sparkly? Our investment management and specialized wealth services.
Prosciutto e melone, as requested.
Finally.
Oh, can you take this bread away? It's too soft and way too warm.
So the fresh, warm baked bread is too fresh and warm from the baking? Gotcha.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[ED LAUGHS.]
You know what else is fresh? Our premier level accounts Wait.
If you're going to keep talking I'm going to need to keep drinking.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Oh, set this on here.
I'll take them back.
Thanks, Mol.
[DISHES CLATTER.]
- [MOLLY SCREAMS.]
- [DISHES SHATTER.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
My apologies, everyone.
She's a new trainee.
I hate you.
I am doing this for your own good.
Oh, missed a plate.
- [DISH SHATTERS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
So I guess we should go get a broom and take this stuff to the trash.
Huh? Your wife may want to reconsider hiring children to work at her restaurant.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Those are actually our kids.
I'm not sure we can fire them, but I'll look into it.
Just as you may want to look into some of our commercial account services, like market risk management.
May I present the specialty of the house, Ossobuco.
This is not what I requested.
Take it back.
You know what? I've had just about enough of you.
Excuse me? No.
I don't come down to the factory and tell you how to make industrial fasteners.
Just try it.
You won't regret it.
This is phenomenal.
- I love it.
- You're welcome.
And definitely 'gram worthy.
Hashtag new flavors, hashtag eating while rich.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- I knew you would like it.
When it comes to cooking, I stick to my principles.
And I admire that.
You know, everyone always assumes I was handed everything by my father.
No one cares that I tripled the value of Chang Industrial Fasteners.
And I did it by sticking to my principles.
- Oh, don't get me started.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
We spend years becoming experts in our field and then some nobody comes in and tells us how they want it and suddenly we're the bad guys for correcting them? - [NICK GASPS.]
- [MS.
CHANG GASPS.]
Nick! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Oh, my God.
Again? So many children.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Hey, aren't you the little girl who knocked over my purse at the bank? - I think I have an inner ear infection.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- You have to have that checked.
- It's fine.
Let me take this in the back and clean it.
No, no, Ms.
Chang does not want her purse hosed off in an industrial sink.
I will pay to have that cleaned.
Thank you.
You may go.
- [NICK SIGHS.]
- [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
And then he tries to tell me not to put salt in the pot because the water would take too long to boil.
Just like all men when they try to tell women how to do their job.
That is ridiculous, but unsurprising.
Totally.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
No offense to your husband, but if he had told me about interest rates one more time, I was going to stab myself in the eye with a fork.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, I've been there.
But don't be too hard on him.
You know, he can't help but talk about numbers.
That is not true.
But if I can talk about numbers one more time [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I have done so much research on your company.
If you consolidate your accounts with us, we'll be able to help you secure the loans you need for the expansion you're planning.
You and every other bank.
Yes, but more important than that I treat my clients like family.
You can trust me to guard your interests, like I would my wife and kids.
Daddy always told me, if you want to really know someone, get to know their family.
And after meeting Liz let's just say I'll be moving my accounts to your bank.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's great! You won't regret it.
I hope not, or you'll be hearing from me through my new friend, Liz.
She's kind of nuts, and I love it.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Me too.
[LIZ LAUGHS.]
Well, if we're going to be friends, I refuse to keep calling you Ms.
Chang.
Well, then, I guess you'll have to call me Phoebe.
[ED CHUCKLES.]
I look forward to working with you, Phoebe.
- Ms.
Chang.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
And I look forward to working with you, Ed.
[ED CHUCKLES.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
She knows my name.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Ms.
Chang if you don't mind my saying, - I noticed you had a bit to drink tonight.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [MS.
CHANG LAUGHS.]
- Are you sure you're up for driving? You're right.
I'll take a Lyft.
That isn't necessary.
Crescendo offers a door-to-door valet service.
One of our valets will drive you home in your car, so you won't have to come back tomorrow.
Wow.
Liz is such an innovator.
[NICK CHUCKLES.]
[KEYS JINGLE.]
Todd? [TODD SIGHS.]
Good evening.
I'm Todd.
I'll be your driver this evening.
But when we get to lights, can you tell me which one is red and which one is green? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [KEYS JINGLE.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Good luck! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Why are you so happy? [LAUGHS.]
No reason.
Just having a good night.
Probably because I got to work with my BFF for most of it.
[NICK LAUGHS.]
Oh, now I see it.
What a terrible person she is.
[SCOFFS.]
What does BFF mean again? Big freaking felon? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [GLASS TAPS TABLE.]
- Or does it mean best friend forever? Okay, you're right.
This is crazy.
I was just being paranoid.
Thanks for helping me, Jeremy.
You are welcome.
Now, remember to listen to your big bro next time.
I'm super wise.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh, Jeremy forgot this.
No worries.
I'll take it.
You know what? I'll take it.
Anything to help out my best friend.
[NICK CHUCKLES.]
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Hey, kids.
Before we go, Mom and I have a big surprise for you.
Today, at the bank, I signed papers for a loan to open a second restaurant.
- What? - That's amazing.
Wow, congratulations.
Everybody at the school fundraiser loved my mini pizzas and that gave me an idea to open an affordable, high-quality pizza place.
And I'm doing it in the perfect location.
Where? Oh, the place where that old rat's nest was.
- What was it? Fronelli's or Ferrari's? - Franzelli's? Yeah.
That's the place.
No, not there! It's okay.
I know it's a mess now, but we'll fix it up.
By next month, it'll be goodbye Franzelli's, hello Fortissimo Pizzeria.
[LAUGHING.]
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]