One Day at a Time (2017) s02e04 Episode Script
Roots
1 Oh, man, I really wanted to see you tonight, Max.
My clinical hours got rescheduled, and I'm free.
Squirrel attack? How many people could it have bitten? That many? Mmm.
Oh, no.
No, I just have classes and kid stuff for the rest of the week, but I really wanted to see you because I have an emergency in my - Hey, Mom.
- [STAMMERS.]
Thank you, Dr.
Berkowitz.
Good work phone call.
Thanks.
Bye.
What's up? I need money.
And I need a margarita, but it's 7:00 in the morning.
Mom, please.
I'm going to a movie.
Okay, papito.
Here.
Ten dollars.
Oh, maybe I wasn't clear.
I'm actually going to a movie in this century.
It's in color and everything.
A ticket costs $9.
50.
And I expect change.
No, I feel your pain.
I never had enough money to go to the movies with friends.
Or enough friends to go to the movies with friends.
Oh, I know, why don't you pluck your one mustache hair, and you can get the kid price? Why don't you pluck your 20 mustache hairs? Joke's on you, because each one of these hairs is a blow to the patriarchy.
Oh, you win.
Come on, Mom.
All my friends get way more cash from their parents.
What have I told you about comparing yourself to other people? To always do it and make sure I'm better.
No, that's your abuelita.
Look, my, uh, clinical hours got all squirrelly.
So I'm gonna take you to the movies and show you how to have fun on a budget.
What? No.
It'll be great.
- It'll be like a date with your mom.
- No! No, no, no.
- Stop.
Oh, my God.
- [KISSING.]
Come on.
Mama.
Mama.
Mama.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ay.
¡Ay, ay, ay, ay! ¡Ay! Oh [GROANING.]
Well, don't make such a big deal of it.
I'm fine.
What happened? She tripped on the sidewalk in front of the building and hurt her arm.
[GRUNTS.]
I had to break my fall.
Some people's faces are worth protecting.
Papito knows what I'm talking about.
- Abuelita, how did you trip? - That stupid sidewalk was broken.
The roots of the tree pushed it up.
[GROANS.]
Man, Mother Nature is turning on us.
And after we've treated her so well.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Okay, I have figured out what to do about that tree.
Form a Million Abuelita March.
That adds up to, like, seven million hard candies.
No, no, no.
I have something better than all that, that will cut through the red tape.
Ha! Ha! - Ha! - Abuelita, be careful! Oh, I know.
I'm sorry.
This is not my usual machete arm.
[LAUGHS.]
- Ah [EXCLAIMS.]
- Okay.
Let's just put this back in the machete cozy? Hey, come on.
I just want to chop off the roots of the tree.
There's something less murder-y that might help.
Uh, Proposition U.
You want to proposition me? No.
Proposition, the letter "U.
" It's a ballot measure in next week's local election.
It would pay for infrastructure repairs, including sidewalks.
And there may even be enough money to replace the plastic recycling bins in Echo Park with new recycling bins made out of recycled recycling bins.
That is great.
About the sidewalks getting fixed, not your trash talk.
Okay.
The election is this Tuesday, so make sure you vote "yes" on Prop U.
I would love to, but I don't vote.
[CHUCKLES.]
What do you mean you don't vote? I mean that on the election day, instead of voting, I don't vote.
[CHUCKLES.]
But you don't mean you never vote? Like, you voted in the last election? Oh, the last one? No.
And now we have that monster in the White House! Well, don't blame me.
I didn't vote for him! Good for you.
Oh, you will never believe what we just discovered.
Mami, how many times have I told you to give that machete to the Goodwill? Yeah, I don't think a machete is really on brand for them.
No.
We found out Abuelita doesn't vote.
Oh, that? Yeah, I know.
What? How could you let this happen? Voting is the single most important thing we can do as Americans.
Don't yell at me, I know.
I vote every four years like I'm supposed to.
What about primaries, midterm elections, local elections? Yeah, I don't care about that stuff.
I vote in other ways! I take a lot of online quizzes.
Turns out I'm a Hufflepuff.
See, the great thing about having a green card is you get to live here without having to do all the stuff Americans have to, like vote or serve jury duty or become obese.
Okay, but at least you vote in Canadian elections.
Mmm No.
Even in Canada, nothing ever changes.
Clean air, sensible gun control, free health care.
The system's rigged.
Vote, don't vote, it doesn't matter.
We always end up with the same comebolas.
But you're always talking about how this country saved you from a communist dictatorship and how democracy is a gift.
That's true.
God bless the USA.
These colores don't run.
So why don't you vote? It doesn't do anything.
[GRUNTS.]
¡Ay! I mean, I can't wait to turn 18 so that I can vote, and you're wasting yours? She's right, Mami.
This isn't one of those big elections? They're all big elections! They're all big elections, Mami! I mean, sure, some issues are more important than others, but I can think of a thousand reasons ¡Ay, ay, ay! Okay! You win.
And if you stop talking, I win.
- So you'll do it? - Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
I thought this was a democracy.
But this is some kind of dictatorship where people are forced to vote! Ooh, okay.
Let's find three seats.
One for me, one for you, one for the bag of money we're gonna save.
Oh, God.
Those kids are from school.
- You wanna sit with them? - No, no, no, let's stay here.
Hey, guys.
[LAUGHING.]
Great.
First I have no money, now I have no dignity.
Maybe, but what you do have is What? Where'd these come from? My pockets.
Is that why you're wearing cargo pants? First of all, they were very stylish in the '90s.
Second, it is the key to sneaking food past any by-the-book ushers who might narc on you.
Ba-blam! Licorice.
Where'd you get these? The 99-Cent Store? [SCOFFS.]
The 98-Cent Store.
Yeah, your mami ain't no chump.
See, we may not be spending a lot of money, but it's lit, right? 5-0! Dust it off.
Five-second rule.
Abuelita, I want to study the election issues with you.
Ugh.
Come on.
I mean, otherwise you'll just be another uninformed voter.
Yeah.
They look so happy.
Yeah.
And who wants to live like that? [CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, there's a lot of really serious stuff on this ballot.
Um, let's start with Prop T, "Stand Behind Teachers.
" Oh, that's easy, 'cause I love teachers.
I am a teacher.
I will vote "yes" on T.
Oh, good job, Abuelita.
- You just got them all fired.
- [GASPS.]
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[SIGHS.]
A lot of these ballot measures are intentionally misleading.
So, Prop T would replace union teachers with non-union teachers who make half as much.
"Stand Behind Teachers"? More like, "Stand behind them so we can kick them out the door," am I right? Are we done now? No, we're just getting started! There's the school board race, the controller race [GASPS.]
and a very exciting sewer tax initiative.
Oh.
Did you hear the knock? I think there's somebody at the door.
- I didn't hear anything.
- Coming! Oh! Don't you look pretty? [LAUGHS.]
I know there's no one out there! Where did you get your hair done? See? Pretty great, right? Nothing keeps popcorn fresher than a shower cap you snagged from a hotel room.
But aren't we breaking the law or something? I don't want to end up in jail.
If the other prisoners ask me what I'm in for and I say "gummy bears," I don't see that ending well.
There is no law against outside food.
There's a rule, but that's totally different.
- It's okay to break the rules? - Absolutely not.
Unless the rule's nuts.
Speaking of nuts Goobers.
They're so warm.
You're welcome.
And we saved eight dollars.
You know how much a box of Goobers costs to make? A penny.
- You really know that or - A penny! I scored these at a gas station on Pico.
Mislabeled at 49 cents! I bought every box.
We're gonna be serving Goobers at your wedding.
I'm good with that.
- You have any soda in your pants? - No.
[SMACKS LIPS.]
Aw.
Ba-blam! No, no, no.
The usher will hear you.
You have to wait for an explosion.
- [EXPLOSION.]
- [CANS HISSING.]
Come on, people, let's go! We gotta get there before the polls close! They close in 11 hours.
I'm excited, okay? I mean, Abuelita's never voted before.
I can't wait for my first time.
And I hope I do it right.
I was really hoping my first time would be with Hillary, but I can picture myself doing it with Elizabeth Warren.
You and me both, sister.
Hey, Mom, if you have time tonight, maybe we can go see another movie? You want to hang out with me again? The movie's R-rated, so I kind of need you.
[CHUCKLES.]
- But we had fun, right? - Yes, we did.
Abuelita, come on! Where are you? I am right here.
I am so sorry, everybody, but I'm having trouble walking, and I cannot vote today.
Oh, well, maybe next time.
Come on, Abuelita.
I was so looking forward to taking you to vote.
I know, and I am so disappointed to miss it.
Ah! You don't have to.
I have a wheelchair up in my apartment.
I was Stephen Hawking for Halloween.
[IMITATING STEPHEN HAWKING.]
People were offended.
This is perfect! Abuelita, we can stop to get Schneider's insensitive wheelchair, which I have a lot to say about, just not now, and then we can head to the polls.
- Let's go! - [SCHNEIDER.]
All right.
Great news! USA! USA! US [LOCK RATTLING.]
What the hell is happening? Why is she locking us out? - Schneider, I need your key.
- Sure.
Here.
Thank you.
I've been trying to get this away from you for two years.
Nice try.
These are all your apartment.
- Mami! - Abuelita! - Lydia? - Abuelita! - She's probably in the kitchen.
- Abuelita? - [ALEX.]
Abuelita? - [SCHNEIDER.]
Lydia? [PENELOPE.]
Mami! Lydia? Mami? My leg is feeling better.
[SCOFFS.]
Mami, what's going on? Why are you acting like such a loca? Are you afraid to vote? I mean, is it because in Cuba, any act of political expression was met with violent repercussions? Yeah, sure.
Make that the reason.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Okay.
[SIGHS AND CLEARS THROAT.]
I don't vote because I am not a citizen.
What? Yes, you are.
You and Papi had your citizenship interviews - while I was deployed in Afghanistan.
- No.
We were supposed to, but we never did.
We ended up spending the whole afternoon in the park together, bird-watching.
Which, of course, is what we call lovemaking.
Okay, Mami.
Which is ironic, because the birds were watching us.
Stop trying to change the subject.
Especially to that subject.
How did you never become a citizen? I was busy, you know! I was working, raising a family, helping my family to raise their family! Oh, you're welcome.
But anyway, it doesn't matter because I have a green card.
I get social security, I pay taxes.
Whoa.
You have to pay taxes with a green card? [GROANS LOUDLY.]
I am a permanent resident.
So it's almost the same thing.
It's no big deal.
[SIGHS.]
This actually makes me so much happier, Abuelita.
I understand.
It's not that you don't want to vote.
You can't.
- Yeah.
Of course.
- Then this is great! Because green card holders can become citizens easily.
You just have to take tests.
I'll download the forms.
We'll get you in line to become a citizen.
No, thank you! She is so infuriating! I know, but right now she's embarrassed, and you being all over her is not the answer.
Let her calm down.
I'm gonna go vote in this very important election, and we're gonna talk later.
Okay? - Okay? - Yeah.
Whoo! Okay, it's fine.
I'm all good, guys! I texted my accountant, and he said 'cause I'm in the highest income bracket, I don't have to pay taxes.
[LAUGHS.]
USA! USA! USA! USA! [WHISPERS.]
Do I look suspicious? No.
You look very fashionable for the '90s.
Right here.
Can't stop thinking about Abuelita.
I can't believe she never told us she wasn't a citizen.
[SIGHS.]
Some people just carry around secrets.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
[PLANES HOVERING.]
- [PLANES ROAR.]
- [CANS HISSING.]
Perfect.
Now let's break out those hot dogs while they're still warm.
Although, I could always warm 'em up.
You're gonna love this.
I improved on what you taught me.
They'll stay warm.
I double-wrapped them - in wax paper and foil.
- Mmm.
- [FOIL CRINKLING.]
- No, don't! That's too loud.
[EXCLAIMS.]
- It smells like bacon! - I brought bacon.
No! The usher's coming! Get rid of that evidence! Give it.
- Excuse me - Shh.
Movie.
Ma'am, we don't allow food that was not purchased at our concession stand.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Oh, shoot.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm gonna have to confiscate that food, ma'am.
"Confiscate"? [SCOFFING.]
Okay, Officer.
There's a jumbo soft pretzel in it for you if you keep walking.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, ma'am.
- [WOMAN SHUSHING.]
- Seriously? [USHER SHUSHING.]
Let me tell you something.
I get that you're trying to do your job.
But come on.
I'm a mom out with my kid.
[WHISPERS.]
I don't know her.
And yeah.
Yeah, we broke your rules.
But you know who else broke the rules? Our founding fathers.
[WHISPERS.]
I really don't know her.
- Security.
- No! So yeah, I will leave! I'm gonna leave.
- But I will leave with my principles! - [PEOPLE SHUSHING.]
And a fully-loaded baked potato! Thank you so much for dealing with that Alex! Come on! [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Perfecto.
And your accent is hysterical.
Abuelita, can we talk? [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Okay.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
that was going to get me out of it.
Abuelita, you need to become a citizen.
This is a big deal! Everything's a big deal to you! If I light a candle, I am killing the air.
If I shop at Walmart, I am killing mom and pop.
If I cook pork, I am somehow killing pigs! What's going on here? Abuelita won't even talk to me about becoming a citizen.
This is not a joke.
We live in very anti-immigrant times! Baby, it's not that serious.
Yes, it is.
Carmen's parents weren't citizens.
Yeah, but nothing like that's gonna happen to Abuelita.
She's not gonna get deported.
She could be.
They're deporting Cubans now, too.
What? That doesn't make sense.
They should be importing us.
Things keep changing.
I mean, it's way worse for some other groups, but still.
Carmen lost her parents.
I lost my best friend.
[STAMMERS.]
And I just don't want to lose you.
[SIGHS.]
What if one day they decide to send all non-citizens back to where they came from? No! I can't go back to Canada! It's just so cold! So become an American citizen.
Both of you.
Elena's right, Mami.
What's the problem? Hmm? - Don't you like being in this country? - Of course.
I like to be in America.
[MIMICKING LYDIA.]
I know you do.
So what is the problem? When Berto and I learned that in order to be sworn in as Americans, we would have to renounce our Cuban citizenship, we could not bring ourselves to do it.
- Cuba is home.
Home-home.
- [SIGHS.]
But you've been here for almost 60 years, Mami.
This is your home now.
I know you miss Cuba.
But you know there's no going back, right? Even now that Castro's dead, nothing has really changed.
Yes.
But you know, maybe someday it will.
My papi made sure that I had the deed to our house.
And I still have it.
Just in case we ever go back there.
Mami I know.
It's silly.
But becoming an American citizen would be like giving up.
[SNIFFLES.]
I just wish you could have seen it like it was.
[SIGHS DEEPLY.]
I'm sorry.
Being cubana is who I am.
So much so, that I even bring it up now and then.
That will never change.
That's what we are.
Me, Elena, Alex.
You brought Cuba here and you gave it to us.
It's true.
Whenever someone asks me what I am, I always say I'm Cuban.
I don't even think about it.
Yeah.
When people ask me what I am, I say, "I'm a human being not defined by labels or the artificial construct of borders.
" But I also say I'm Cuban.
So please, Abuelita.
I hear what you are saying.
And I love you.
And I will think about it.
[SIGHS.]
Well, I've made my decision.
I'm gonna become a citizen.
Now, the English test should be a breeze, but as far as the civics test goes, I'd better put on my thinkin' toque, stock up on Timmies and study like a real keener, eh? I don't mind people moving here.
I just wish they'd learn the language.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
- [CAN HISSING.]
What the hell am I doing? Hey, I've been thinking about what happened at the movies.
[SCOFFS.]
Me, too, papito.
And I'm so sorry I put you through all that.
And I didn't have to go back to take all those ketchup packets, but what, are we gonna buy Heinz at the store like the king of England? It's okay.
You taught me something important.
Good.
I need to get a job and work hard so I can buy real snacks and avoid looking like a total nutjob.
That's exactly the point I was trying to teach you.
Mom, have you seen Abuelita? Prop U passed and I want to tell her the good news.
I don't know where she is.
[LATIN MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
My clinical hours got rescheduled, and I'm free.
Squirrel attack? How many people could it have bitten? That many? Mmm.
Oh, no.
No, I just have classes and kid stuff for the rest of the week, but I really wanted to see you because I have an emergency in my - Hey, Mom.
- [STAMMERS.]
Thank you, Dr.
Berkowitz.
Good work phone call.
Thanks.
Bye.
What's up? I need money.
And I need a margarita, but it's 7:00 in the morning.
Mom, please.
I'm going to a movie.
Okay, papito.
Here.
Ten dollars.
Oh, maybe I wasn't clear.
I'm actually going to a movie in this century.
It's in color and everything.
A ticket costs $9.
50.
And I expect change.
No, I feel your pain.
I never had enough money to go to the movies with friends.
Or enough friends to go to the movies with friends.
Oh, I know, why don't you pluck your one mustache hair, and you can get the kid price? Why don't you pluck your 20 mustache hairs? Joke's on you, because each one of these hairs is a blow to the patriarchy.
Oh, you win.
Come on, Mom.
All my friends get way more cash from their parents.
What have I told you about comparing yourself to other people? To always do it and make sure I'm better.
No, that's your abuelita.
Look, my, uh, clinical hours got all squirrelly.
So I'm gonna take you to the movies and show you how to have fun on a budget.
What? No.
It'll be great.
- It'll be like a date with your mom.
- No! No, no, no.
- Stop.
Oh, my God.
- [KISSING.]
Come on.
Mama.
Mama.
Mama.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ay.
¡Ay, ay, ay, ay! ¡Ay! Oh [GROANING.]
Well, don't make such a big deal of it.
I'm fine.
What happened? She tripped on the sidewalk in front of the building and hurt her arm.
[GRUNTS.]
I had to break my fall.
Some people's faces are worth protecting.
Papito knows what I'm talking about.
- Abuelita, how did you trip? - That stupid sidewalk was broken.
The roots of the tree pushed it up.
[GROANS.]
Man, Mother Nature is turning on us.
And after we've treated her so well.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Okay, I have figured out what to do about that tree.
Form a Million Abuelita March.
That adds up to, like, seven million hard candies.
No, no, no.
I have something better than all that, that will cut through the red tape.
Ha! Ha! - Ha! - Abuelita, be careful! Oh, I know.
I'm sorry.
This is not my usual machete arm.
[LAUGHS.]
- Ah [EXCLAIMS.]
- Okay.
Let's just put this back in the machete cozy? Hey, come on.
I just want to chop off the roots of the tree.
There's something less murder-y that might help.
Uh, Proposition U.
You want to proposition me? No.
Proposition, the letter "U.
" It's a ballot measure in next week's local election.
It would pay for infrastructure repairs, including sidewalks.
And there may even be enough money to replace the plastic recycling bins in Echo Park with new recycling bins made out of recycled recycling bins.
That is great.
About the sidewalks getting fixed, not your trash talk.
Okay.
The election is this Tuesday, so make sure you vote "yes" on Prop U.
I would love to, but I don't vote.
[CHUCKLES.]
What do you mean you don't vote? I mean that on the election day, instead of voting, I don't vote.
[CHUCKLES.]
But you don't mean you never vote? Like, you voted in the last election? Oh, the last one? No.
And now we have that monster in the White House! Well, don't blame me.
I didn't vote for him! Good for you.
Oh, you will never believe what we just discovered.
Mami, how many times have I told you to give that machete to the Goodwill? Yeah, I don't think a machete is really on brand for them.
No.
We found out Abuelita doesn't vote.
Oh, that? Yeah, I know.
What? How could you let this happen? Voting is the single most important thing we can do as Americans.
Don't yell at me, I know.
I vote every four years like I'm supposed to.
What about primaries, midterm elections, local elections? Yeah, I don't care about that stuff.
I vote in other ways! I take a lot of online quizzes.
Turns out I'm a Hufflepuff.
See, the great thing about having a green card is you get to live here without having to do all the stuff Americans have to, like vote or serve jury duty or become obese.
Okay, but at least you vote in Canadian elections.
Mmm No.
Even in Canada, nothing ever changes.
Clean air, sensible gun control, free health care.
The system's rigged.
Vote, don't vote, it doesn't matter.
We always end up with the same comebolas.
But you're always talking about how this country saved you from a communist dictatorship and how democracy is a gift.
That's true.
God bless the USA.
These colores don't run.
So why don't you vote? It doesn't do anything.
[GRUNTS.]
¡Ay! I mean, I can't wait to turn 18 so that I can vote, and you're wasting yours? She's right, Mami.
This isn't one of those big elections? They're all big elections! They're all big elections, Mami! I mean, sure, some issues are more important than others, but I can think of a thousand reasons ¡Ay, ay, ay! Okay! You win.
And if you stop talking, I win.
- So you'll do it? - Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
I thought this was a democracy.
But this is some kind of dictatorship where people are forced to vote! Ooh, okay.
Let's find three seats.
One for me, one for you, one for the bag of money we're gonna save.
Oh, God.
Those kids are from school.
- You wanna sit with them? - No, no, no, let's stay here.
Hey, guys.
[LAUGHING.]
Great.
First I have no money, now I have no dignity.
Maybe, but what you do have is What? Where'd these come from? My pockets.
Is that why you're wearing cargo pants? First of all, they were very stylish in the '90s.
Second, it is the key to sneaking food past any by-the-book ushers who might narc on you.
Ba-blam! Licorice.
Where'd you get these? The 99-Cent Store? [SCOFFS.]
The 98-Cent Store.
Yeah, your mami ain't no chump.
See, we may not be spending a lot of money, but it's lit, right? 5-0! Dust it off.
Five-second rule.
Abuelita, I want to study the election issues with you.
Ugh.
Come on.
I mean, otherwise you'll just be another uninformed voter.
Yeah.
They look so happy.
Yeah.
And who wants to live like that? [CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, there's a lot of really serious stuff on this ballot.
Um, let's start with Prop T, "Stand Behind Teachers.
" Oh, that's easy, 'cause I love teachers.
I am a teacher.
I will vote "yes" on T.
Oh, good job, Abuelita.
- You just got them all fired.
- [GASPS.]
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[SIGHS.]
A lot of these ballot measures are intentionally misleading.
So, Prop T would replace union teachers with non-union teachers who make half as much.
"Stand Behind Teachers"? More like, "Stand behind them so we can kick them out the door," am I right? Are we done now? No, we're just getting started! There's the school board race, the controller race [GASPS.]
and a very exciting sewer tax initiative.
Oh.
Did you hear the knock? I think there's somebody at the door.
- I didn't hear anything.
- Coming! Oh! Don't you look pretty? [LAUGHS.]
I know there's no one out there! Where did you get your hair done? See? Pretty great, right? Nothing keeps popcorn fresher than a shower cap you snagged from a hotel room.
But aren't we breaking the law or something? I don't want to end up in jail.
If the other prisoners ask me what I'm in for and I say "gummy bears," I don't see that ending well.
There is no law against outside food.
There's a rule, but that's totally different.
- It's okay to break the rules? - Absolutely not.
Unless the rule's nuts.
Speaking of nuts Goobers.
They're so warm.
You're welcome.
And we saved eight dollars.
You know how much a box of Goobers costs to make? A penny.
- You really know that or - A penny! I scored these at a gas station on Pico.
Mislabeled at 49 cents! I bought every box.
We're gonna be serving Goobers at your wedding.
I'm good with that.
- You have any soda in your pants? - No.
[SMACKS LIPS.]
Aw.
Ba-blam! No, no, no.
The usher will hear you.
You have to wait for an explosion.
- [EXPLOSION.]
- [CANS HISSING.]
Come on, people, let's go! We gotta get there before the polls close! They close in 11 hours.
I'm excited, okay? I mean, Abuelita's never voted before.
I can't wait for my first time.
And I hope I do it right.
I was really hoping my first time would be with Hillary, but I can picture myself doing it with Elizabeth Warren.
You and me both, sister.
Hey, Mom, if you have time tonight, maybe we can go see another movie? You want to hang out with me again? The movie's R-rated, so I kind of need you.
[CHUCKLES.]
- But we had fun, right? - Yes, we did.
Abuelita, come on! Where are you? I am right here.
I am so sorry, everybody, but I'm having trouble walking, and I cannot vote today.
Oh, well, maybe next time.
Come on, Abuelita.
I was so looking forward to taking you to vote.
I know, and I am so disappointed to miss it.
Ah! You don't have to.
I have a wheelchair up in my apartment.
I was Stephen Hawking for Halloween.
[IMITATING STEPHEN HAWKING.]
People were offended.
This is perfect! Abuelita, we can stop to get Schneider's insensitive wheelchair, which I have a lot to say about, just not now, and then we can head to the polls.
- Let's go! - [SCHNEIDER.]
All right.
Great news! USA! USA! US [LOCK RATTLING.]
What the hell is happening? Why is she locking us out? - Schneider, I need your key.
- Sure.
Here.
Thank you.
I've been trying to get this away from you for two years.
Nice try.
These are all your apartment.
- Mami! - Abuelita! - Lydia? - Abuelita! - She's probably in the kitchen.
- Abuelita? - [ALEX.]
Abuelita? - [SCHNEIDER.]
Lydia? [PENELOPE.]
Mami! Lydia? Mami? My leg is feeling better.
[SCOFFS.]
Mami, what's going on? Why are you acting like such a loca? Are you afraid to vote? I mean, is it because in Cuba, any act of political expression was met with violent repercussions? Yeah, sure.
Make that the reason.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Okay.
[SIGHS AND CLEARS THROAT.]
I don't vote because I am not a citizen.
What? Yes, you are.
You and Papi had your citizenship interviews - while I was deployed in Afghanistan.
- No.
We were supposed to, but we never did.
We ended up spending the whole afternoon in the park together, bird-watching.
Which, of course, is what we call lovemaking.
Okay, Mami.
Which is ironic, because the birds were watching us.
Stop trying to change the subject.
Especially to that subject.
How did you never become a citizen? I was busy, you know! I was working, raising a family, helping my family to raise their family! Oh, you're welcome.
But anyway, it doesn't matter because I have a green card.
I get social security, I pay taxes.
Whoa.
You have to pay taxes with a green card? [GROANS LOUDLY.]
I am a permanent resident.
So it's almost the same thing.
It's no big deal.
[SIGHS.]
This actually makes me so much happier, Abuelita.
I understand.
It's not that you don't want to vote.
You can't.
- Yeah.
Of course.
- Then this is great! Because green card holders can become citizens easily.
You just have to take tests.
I'll download the forms.
We'll get you in line to become a citizen.
No, thank you! She is so infuriating! I know, but right now she's embarrassed, and you being all over her is not the answer.
Let her calm down.
I'm gonna go vote in this very important election, and we're gonna talk later.
Okay? - Okay? - Yeah.
Whoo! Okay, it's fine.
I'm all good, guys! I texted my accountant, and he said 'cause I'm in the highest income bracket, I don't have to pay taxes.
[LAUGHS.]
USA! USA! USA! USA! [WHISPERS.]
Do I look suspicious? No.
You look very fashionable for the '90s.
Right here.
Can't stop thinking about Abuelita.
I can't believe she never told us she wasn't a citizen.
[SIGHS.]
Some people just carry around secrets.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
[PLANES HOVERING.]
- [PLANES ROAR.]
- [CANS HISSING.]
Perfect.
Now let's break out those hot dogs while they're still warm.
Although, I could always warm 'em up.
You're gonna love this.
I improved on what you taught me.
They'll stay warm.
I double-wrapped them - in wax paper and foil.
- Mmm.
- [FOIL CRINKLING.]
- No, don't! That's too loud.
[EXCLAIMS.]
- It smells like bacon! - I brought bacon.
No! The usher's coming! Get rid of that evidence! Give it.
- Excuse me - Shh.
Movie.
Ma'am, we don't allow food that was not purchased at our concession stand.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Oh, shoot.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm gonna have to confiscate that food, ma'am.
"Confiscate"? [SCOFFING.]
Okay, Officer.
There's a jumbo soft pretzel in it for you if you keep walking.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, ma'am.
- [WOMAN SHUSHING.]
- Seriously? [USHER SHUSHING.]
Let me tell you something.
I get that you're trying to do your job.
But come on.
I'm a mom out with my kid.
[WHISPERS.]
I don't know her.
And yeah.
Yeah, we broke your rules.
But you know who else broke the rules? Our founding fathers.
[WHISPERS.]
I really don't know her.
- Security.
- No! So yeah, I will leave! I'm gonna leave.
- But I will leave with my principles! - [PEOPLE SHUSHING.]
And a fully-loaded baked potato! Thank you so much for dealing with that Alex! Come on! [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Perfecto.
And your accent is hysterical.
Abuelita, can we talk? [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Okay.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
that was going to get me out of it.
Abuelita, you need to become a citizen.
This is a big deal! Everything's a big deal to you! If I light a candle, I am killing the air.
If I shop at Walmart, I am killing mom and pop.
If I cook pork, I am somehow killing pigs! What's going on here? Abuelita won't even talk to me about becoming a citizen.
This is not a joke.
We live in very anti-immigrant times! Baby, it's not that serious.
Yes, it is.
Carmen's parents weren't citizens.
Yeah, but nothing like that's gonna happen to Abuelita.
She's not gonna get deported.
She could be.
They're deporting Cubans now, too.
What? That doesn't make sense.
They should be importing us.
Things keep changing.
I mean, it's way worse for some other groups, but still.
Carmen lost her parents.
I lost my best friend.
[STAMMERS.]
And I just don't want to lose you.
[SIGHS.]
What if one day they decide to send all non-citizens back to where they came from? No! I can't go back to Canada! It's just so cold! So become an American citizen.
Both of you.
Elena's right, Mami.
What's the problem? Hmm? - Don't you like being in this country? - Of course.
I like to be in America.
[MIMICKING LYDIA.]
I know you do.
So what is the problem? When Berto and I learned that in order to be sworn in as Americans, we would have to renounce our Cuban citizenship, we could not bring ourselves to do it.
- Cuba is home.
Home-home.
- [SIGHS.]
But you've been here for almost 60 years, Mami.
This is your home now.
I know you miss Cuba.
But you know there's no going back, right? Even now that Castro's dead, nothing has really changed.
Yes.
But you know, maybe someday it will.
My papi made sure that I had the deed to our house.
And I still have it.
Just in case we ever go back there.
Mami I know.
It's silly.
But becoming an American citizen would be like giving up.
[SNIFFLES.]
I just wish you could have seen it like it was.
[SIGHS DEEPLY.]
I'm sorry.
Being cubana is who I am.
So much so, that I even bring it up now and then.
That will never change.
That's what we are.
Me, Elena, Alex.
You brought Cuba here and you gave it to us.
It's true.
Whenever someone asks me what I am, I always say I'm Cuban.
I don't even think about it.
Yeah.
When people ask me what I am, I say, "I'm a human being not defined by labels or the artificial construct of borders.
" But I also say I'm Cuban.
So please, Abuelita.
I hear what you are saying.
And I love you.
And I will think about it.
[SIGHS.]
Well, I've made my decision.
I'm gonna become a citizen.
Now, the English test should be a breeze, but as far as the civics test goes, I'd better put on my thinkin' toque, stock up on Timmies and study like a real keener, eh? I don't mind people moving here.
I just wish they'd learn the language.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
- [CAN HISSING.]
What the hell am I doing? Hey, I've been thinking about what happened at the movies.
[SCOFFS.]
Me, too, papito.
And I'm so sorry I put you through all that.
And I didn't have to go back to take all those ketchup packets, but what, are we gonna buy Heinz at the store like the king of England? It's okay.
You taught me something important.
Good.
I need to get a job and work hard so I can buy real snacks and avoid looking like a total nutjob.
That's exactly the point I was trying to teach you.
Mom, have you seen Abuelita? Prop U passed and I want to tell her the good news.
I don't know where she is.
[LATIN MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]