Orange Is the New Black s02e04 Episode Script
A Whole Other Hole
Shit.
Oh! Sorry, Miss Rosa.
It's colder than an Eskimo's nuts in here! I'm trying to get the heat going, but when I turn it up too high, a real bad smell comes out of the blowers.
I think it's mouse shit.
You know, they live in the engine.
Just don't breathe in.
I'm going to get poison pumped into my veins.
What's a little mouse shit in my lungs? Ha! All set? Seat belts on.
How's wedding planning going? We're holdin' off for a minute.
Just pressin' the pause button.
Too many people wanna come, you know? I got a big family.
Big, number-wise, not big fat.
Although, there are some fatties.
And it's hard for me to book all the vendors from in here.
You know, none of 'em are on my approved call list.
Weddings were bad luck for me.
All my husbands died.
How many were there? Two.
The third one I wouldn't marry.
Once you know you got a curse on you, you can work around it.
He lives in Canarsie.
I didn't know that.
You never talk about your life.
Nobody cares.
How much time you got left? More than two years.
You're still young, pretty.
You got your whole life ahead of you.
Me? I'm gonna die here.
Where the heck have you been? At the movies.
Perfect.
In the middle of the day.
What'd you see? - Twilight.
- For what, the 14th time? Don't you live the fuckin' life of leisure? Hey, Noise Pollution One and Two, I'm trying to watch my program here.
And send those kids outside.
Mikey, turn it up.
Ma's been ringing her bell for an hour.
What am I, Cinderella? It is your turn! I cleaned her sheets this morning.
Piss and everything.
Oh! Watch your baby, would you? It's a miracle he's lived this long.
Ugh! Hey! Lorna! Lorna! That you? All right.
Hello.
Yes.
I purchased a pair of shoes from you.
Order 1-1-0-0-6-1-7-8, a pair of patchwork platform Pradas.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I can see that my card has been charged, but I never received them.
No, I haven't moved.
Yeah! That's the address I gave you.
No I'm not accusing you of not having sent them, but the fact is they never came.
Yes, yes, it is unfortunate, 'cause I had this big party to go to and I had to wear last season's Miu Miu's.
Hmm.
No.
No, I don't want another pair.
I want a refund.
Yeah, that's right.
A full refund.
Aw, thank you for your honesty, I really appreciate it.
Yes.
Yes, I do have my card number.
Check this bitch out.
I'm surprised she doesn't get a shot for putting on that face.
If the cop's in a bad mood, she does.
I'm seeing a lot of blue eye-shadow and red lipstick.
It's not coming out of commissary.
Who's importing around here? Oh, not really a lot of contraband these days.
Hey! Not since Red got shut down.
Red, huh? Well, that figures.
Still, there's gotta be some holes in this cheese.
Somebody is bringing in something.
Well, Poussey makes hooch.
Oh! And Chang, she got that Tiger Balm, but don't put it on your lips, or your eyeballs.
Bad idea.
Hooch, huh? Shit tastes nasty.
It's like vomit wine coolers.
Yo It's got Kool-Aid, old fruit, ketchup, and moldy bread.
She sells that? I can't drink it.
Makes me feel funny, makes my head all fuzzy.
You still carting that shit around? You one determined mo-fo.
What the fuck is that? - It's a pee funnel.
- A what? I'm tired of trying to pop a squat over them nasty-ass toilets.
This rig is gonna make it easy.
Girl, that's crazy.
How you gonna use that? Yo, with this, I can pee standing up.
Like a dude.
Take this part, put it over my stuff.
Take this little tube part, put it in the toilet.
Or, you know what I'm saying, right over it.
It's genius, yo! I'm gonna call it the "stand and deliver.
" Hey! You should call the patent office right now and make a million dollars.
Really? Hell, no! That's the stupidest idea I ever heard.
No, it ain't, man.
Them toilets be cold as fuck in the morning.
You'll see.
Everybody gonna be wanting one of these to piss in.
Please.
We're eating.
Yeah, I just gotta find me some waterproof tape or something to get these two parts together.
I don't see why you need the funnel.
Like, can't you just put the tube up in you? Uh, no.
'Cause that's not where the pee comes out.
Uh, yeah, it do.
- Out of the big hole.
- Yeah.
No, y'all.
There's a different hole.
- For pee? - Yeah.
What? You crazy.
Y'all, there is the main coochie hole and then there's, like, another little hole just for pee.
Didn't y'all take Sex Ed? She's right.
There's an eeny-meeny-weeny-weeny pee hole.
Man, you trippin'.
It all come out the same hole.
The vagina hole.
All right, then how come you can still pee when you got a tampon in? Mmm? I'm telling you, there's two holes.
Three holes.
The butt.
All right.
You are all disgusting.
I'm out.
I am not even gonna entertain this conversation.
Suzanne! You coming? Put my order in.
I am so confused.
Where is it at? Yo, I still don't see what the hell you talkin' about! You know, your hole, like, your sex hole.
The vagina hole.
Yeah, I got that.
Y'all are crazy.
Man, I wish I had a phone to record this shit.
Now, look underneath your clit, before the main hole.
Or like, just inside the top of it.
Man, I still can't see shit down here.
It's like too many, like, flappy-flap thingies.
- Oh, God.
- How do you know all this? Yo, I've been up close and personal with my share of pussy.
Yeah, you want me to just show you? No! No, no, no.
I can do it.
Just, just tell me where.
Okay, right inside the big ol' hole there's another hole.
Like, a little one.
Wait, what? I thought you said it was a whole other hole.
It's a hole in a hole.
For the love of God, girls, the hole is not inside the hole.
You have your vagina proper, then you have your clitoris.
The urethra is located between the clit and the vagina, inside the labia minora.
- For real? - For real.
I designed one myself.
Had plans drawn up and everything.
I seen some funky punani in my day.
I'm not gonna leave that shit up to chance.
Here.
Take a long look, honey.
You'll see what I'm talking about.
Oh, my God.
Holy shit! Yo, y'all, she's right.
Aw! It's cute.
- Hey! I'm next! - Yeah! Me, too.
You know, I gotta see this shit! Yo! Back up! Nichols! What the fuck? Why you pickin' all the peaches? - I have no idea what you're talking about.
- Yes, you do.
Hascowitz? I've been trying to get bumper-to-bumper with that for a month.
And now, she feels used and doesn't wanna sleep around because you got there first.
Ah.
Used, eh? She wasn't exactly new when I rode in her, eh? A little dented actually, right? The upholstery was worn.
You knew I was after that.
Well, what can I say? Not everyone wants a diesel dyke.
Lay off my marks.
Seriously.
Enough with the cliterference.
What's this? Oh! Put that back, please.
Would you give it back? Who is Brook? Oh, yeah.
That's the new girl, isn't it? Hot one of the Asian persuasion? Oh, my God! I found your fuck book? Right.
So what if it is? Oh, you fuckin' junkie.
- All right.
- No, I get this.
Better pussy than smack.
Right? It's not an addiction.
It's a collection, all right? Some people collect buttons or Taco Bell Chihuahuas, I collect orgasms.
See, I'm all about giving.
Look, I am like a bean-flicking Mother Teresa.
You know what? This here is my kind of competition.
It's on.
Ooh! Bitch, this is on! So, what's the deal with Miss Rosa? I mean, I know they say she has cancer and everything, but are they sure it's not alopecia? And what's the deal with this room? Is everyone in here, like, new or sick or just old? I mean, I can't believe how many old people there are in here.
Like, what did they do that they're still in here? Like, what did she do? None of your fuckin' business, you mental patient.
But seriously, have they all been in here since, like, the '70s? No, most of them got transferred up from Max for good behavior.
Wow.
It is crazy to think about how many years they spend in here, you know? I mean, I've been arrested before, like loads of times.
When they cleared out Zuccotti Park, I spent three whole days in a cell.
But that was jail and this is prison.
They're pretty much the same thing.
No, they're not.
Your parents pick you up from jail.
Take out her batteries, would ya? I'm trying to take a nap over here.
Chapman, Soso, happy day in cell block A, you are being assigned.
Oh.
Wait, did we do something wrong? No.
We're getting our bunks.
Oh, cool beans.
Oh, my God, does that mean we're gonna be roomies? Just so you know, I do snore sometimes, so But only if I'm on my back or if I have a cold.
So, just tell me to roll over, and I totally will.
- Morning, Officer Bell.
- O'Neill.
Wow.
I didn't expect the bunks to feel so dorm-y.
It kind of reminds me of camp, you know? Except without the gimp bracelets and the archery and kind of sad.
What a bunch of vultures.
Wait, did you just steal that book? It's mine.
I'm reclaiming it.
Chapman, in here.
Soso, follow me.
We're not together? Thank you.
Did you go to summer camp? It was seriously, like, the best time of my life.
Hi, Red.
Oh, no, honey, you're not in here.
Looks like I am.
Can I move some of this stuff? No, you may not.
Can I have a few of those hooks then? I need all four of them.
They're mine.
What are you gonna do? Not feed me? I have a mealy bug infestation.
They secrete this powdery wax substance.
It's a bitch to get off.
- You gave me a roommate.
- Yes, I did.
I haven't had a bunkie in 12 years.
We don't get special privileges when we turn our prison assignment into a drug smuggling operation.
You know that was never my game.
Sure, pin it on a guy who's not here to defend himself.
He was counting on that.
You got too big for your britches, Red.
We all turned the other way.
You were bringing in pantyhose and nail polish.
Seemed harmless, kept the ladies happy.
And Healy, he had his head shoved so far up your ass he could chew your food for you.
So frankly, I don't give a shit whether it was you or somebody else.
You let drugs in here.
A girl died because of you.
"A small leak can sink a great ship.
" - You know who said that? - No.
Neither do I.
But I can't have leaky holes in my prison.
Nothing coming in, nothing going out.
Welcome to retirement, Red.
Get a hobby, crochet yourself a fucking hammock for all I give a shit.
Use a mixture of garlic, vinegar and hot pepper sauce.
It's a natural insecticide.
Park in the garage and I'll see you in three hours.
I know the drill.
I hate this part.
Poor you.
Almost paradise We're knockin' on heaven's door It's almost paradise How could we ask for more? Oh! Oh, my goodness, I am so sorry! No, that was me.
Please, please.
No! Oh, my God, I'm such a klutz.
Not at all.
Just looks like you could use a couple more arms.
Here you go.
Wow.
I heard the postal service was going bankrupt.
But it looks like you're personally gonna turn that around.
Well I do I do what I can.
Yeah, a true patriot, huh? Oh, yeah! I love my country.
Either that or you're running a mail scam.
Yes.
Oh! Here, let me help you with that.
Thank you.
Thank you Uh, Christopher.
- Christopher.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
You look like somebody.
I'm Lorna Morello.
Beautiful and Italian.
Today must be my lucky day.
Well, Miss Morello, after you're done cleaning this place out of postage, maybe I could take you for a coffee? I would love that, Christopher.
Thank you.
Well, if it isn't the wily inventress of Litchfield about to make a fortune for herself.
Ah, you know it.
Yo, but I'm thinking of changing the name.
What do you think about the "she-wee"? No, I'm talking about your other little side business.
Pruno.
Oh, my hooch? That's just for fun.
There's no charge.
The girls would pay for it.
I mean, but that ain't the point.
I make it for me and my friends.
Yeah, but you're missing an opportunity.
Besides, I got me a killer recipe.
We could compare notes, tweak it a little bit.
Charge by the cup.
Hell, we could charge by the sip.
Um, naw.
That ain't my bag.
Sorry.
How are you feeling? You look better.
You want to keep a burn from scarring? Mix some lemon juice with Vaseline, apply it every day.
What do you want? I want you to stop sulking.
I never meant for you to get hurt.
I did it for the good of the family.
It's not good enough, Red.
No.
Fine.
May I sit here? Of course, dear.
Tell that man at the end of the table to stop winking at me.
Don't watch her eat.
It'll drive you insane.
She'll finish that soup next Monday.
This is not looking right.
Because you stitch too tight.
Make a gauge swatch like I told you and count your stitches, you won't have that problem.
We have a crochet circle if you'd like to join.
I don't crochet.
But that sounds very nice.
Oh, it's boring as hell.
But what else have we got to do? What happened to my pants? The ones you're wearing? You just work on that soup there, Jimmy.
Like a liquefied bowl of Jell-O.
I can hear you, you old cunt.
Fuck these bitches.
No, I'm not done reading that! Everybody dies.
- This is mine.
- No, it ain't.
Then why does it have my inmate number carved in the back? Eh! Fine, Inspector Gadget.
Inspector Gadget was not a good detective.
He just had a lot of stuff.
Plus he had Penny and the Brain helping him.
You best get the fuck out now.
This is unbelievable.
You, too? None of us thought you were coming back.
Really? It ain't about you.
I like the beach.
Keep it.
That's my blanket.
No, this is Miss Claudette's blanket.
It's mine.
We've talked about this, and I'm taking it back.
Really? And how do you suppose you're going to do that? I don't wanna have to get physical with you.
Oh, please! I could snap your femur like a toothpick, twiggy.
Fuck off.
Piper! There you are.
Hi.
Um, so, I heard tonight is movie night, and I don't have headphones yet, so I went to Hey! What's your name? Um, so, anyway, I guess I just don't understand this Chinese lady at the commissary.
Is she Chinese? I don't wanna presume.
She could be a Malay.
Not now, Brook.
Okay, should I meet you out here? I'm busy.
Go back to your cube.
Now.
Okay, yeah! Bye! Looks like you got yourself a pet kitten.
Oh, I just wanna put her in a bag of rocks and dump her at the bottom of the lake.
Hey You really want that blanket? Maybe we could work out a trade? All this pee hole business Like, what the fuck else don't I know? I been living all these years and never even looked at my own damn vajayjay.
What other surprises my body gonna spring on me? I mean, have you looked at these feet ever? Like, I don't wanna scare you, but I'm not sure if this one right here's a toe.
- Shut up.
- Nah! The little one, it don't look right.
Could be a pencil eraser, old piece of jerky Oh, leave my feet alone! Yo, I'm done anyway.
Check out my masterpiece.
What? That's a hot-ass mess.
It's abstract, yo! You only supposed to paint the nail, not the skin! Fuck! Look, all innovators have their work criticized at first.
Appreciation will come.
I'll give you time.
I already have time.
Time and a shit pedicure.
No! Stop! You're gonna mess it up! - Stop! - I'm bigger than you, bitch! I hate tickling! No! No! Uncle! Uncle! I can't breathe! I'm sorry, P.
We've been through this.
I know.
- I'm not - I know.
Maybe we could cuddle for a minute? Yeah.
Go back.
You can still go back.
That looks like fun.
So, how long you been in treatment? Listen, I've gotta sit here for the next two hours, and I don't really feel like talking to some old bald lady.
So can we just, like, pretend I'm not here? I was gonna tell you a joke.
I'm good, thanks.
Yo, Nurse! Do you have an iPhone charger? No, sorry.
Oh, my God! This is bullshit.
- What's your joke? - Too late.
Whatever.
I'm sure it's stupid.
So, the doctor says to the patient, "I got bad news and some more bad news.
"The bad news is, you got cancer.
" "And the more bad news?" "You also got Alzheimer's disease.
" So, the patient thinks for a minute, and then she says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer!" I don't get it.
I'm not gonna explain it to you.
Figure it out.
I'm gonna grab a soda from the vending machine.
- Would you like anything? - I'd love a Pepsi.
Don't tell anyone.
Who's that? Is she your daughter? She's a correctional officer.
- Prison guard? - Exactly.
Wait.
So you're not a Are you? For serious? I thought those were just, like, comfy old lady chemo clothes.
What'd you do? Robbed a bank.
You're lying.
No way.
Google me.
All right.
Come on, tell me about it.
You want the first time or the last? The first time was in 1982 Fuck it.
Hmm.
Trash.
Trash.
Hmm? This too much for the Jersey shore? Not if you're gonna walk the boardwalk looking to make some extra cash.
Uh, it's Dolce & Gabbana, you nut.
How the heck are you paying for all this stuff? I get good deals.
I'm a savvy shopper.
And Christopher likes me to look sophisticated.
He says I'm like Audrey Hepburn.
Besides, this is our first weekend away together.
- And we're staying somewhere fancy.
- Where? I don't know.
He has the whole time planned.
He is gonna take me on a sailboat, and then we're gonna ride the Wildwood Ferris Wheel at sunset.
I can't believe I met a guy like this, Franny.
You should bring him over for dinner.
What, to meet Ma and everybody? Are you crazy? I don't want him getting scared off, okay? He's the one.
You don't know if he's the one until he's met the family.
It's like a test.
He don't need a test, okay? He's my destiny.
And I'm telling you, it was like the movies.
Like, you know, in Notting Hill where Hugh Grant bumps into Julia Roberts and he spills his orange juice on her? That's what happened to us.
We crashed into each other.
Literally.
I mean, Franny, it was meant to be.
You look cute in that dress.
Like Pretty Woman? Yeah, like Pretty Woman.
Bastards! They grow as fast as bamboo.
It's an invasion.
You know, I get them, too.
Well, most of the time they're blonde, and they are soft, but every once in a while, I do get one that is black and spiky, and if you don't catch it in time, all of a sudden it's like two feet long and it's growing right out of the side of your face, like this giant, pubey, lady beard hair.
You know, I get one right here.
Larry called him "Spike.
" How is he? Spike? Well, he's just starting up, but I can feel him.
The husband.
I don't know.
We don't talk.
No letters.
I used to get two a week.
In fact, this week, all I got was a card from my grandmother.
My friends aren't feeling too prolific these days.
I'm sure he told them what a horrible, evil cheater I am.
And it's not like I'm in any position to defend myself.
Nobody has any idea what to say to me.
People are fickle fucks.
You know, the thing is, I don't blame them.
I don't even blame him, ultimately.
I was selfish.
You have to be selfish in here.
That's how you survive.
People's loyalty means nothing.
Because the second you're not useful to them, you're out.
You think that's why your girls turned on you? Is that what you heard? No.
I've just noticed that you've been flying solo lately.
My friendship used to come with perks.
Now I'm just an angry old Russian lady.
Without the free stockings and eyeliner, I'm not quite the draw I used to be.
And take it from me, Chapman, husbands are overrated.
They're as useless as children.
Count yourself lucky.
If it was meant to last, it would have.
Here.
For Spike.
He cried nonstop.
By 4:00 a.
m.
, I was ready to smother him with a Boppy.
I know, that's really dark, but I'm all alone until the new baby nurse comes at 7:00! And then she leaves at 3:00! Fucking Pete.
You know, what if I went off to Alaska? Just, "Peace out! I'm off to kayak and pretend I'm fucking Bear Grylls, "'cause we spawned this symbolic end of childhood "and I can't handle it because I'm fucking Peter Pan.
" My therapist is an idiot, misogynistic piece of shit.
You should go.
Seriously, just go, you know, kayak with the Lost Boys.
I'll keep this little monkey, breast-feed him, raise him as my own, along with the baby nurse from 7:00 to 3:00.
She's not hot.
She's got a wonky eye and bad acne scars.
And she's in her 50s.
But she makes these amazing plantains and sings him Jimmy Cliff songs.
Sold.
You're the only one who'll still hang out with us.
Everyone swears they'll still come around, but they don't.
How old is the baby? Uh, ten weeks.
Congratulations.
Oh, you're such an attractive family.
Thank you.
Yeah, we You know, despite the blond hair, she still swears he's mine.
What's his name? Hampus.
Hampus Renselor.
It's an old family name.
It's beautiful, isn't it? Little Hampy.
How long have the two of you been married? Long time.
We got married on the Circle Line.
In front of the Statue of Liberty.
It was beautiful.
Huge wedding.
- Did you meet in the city? - Oh, we Yeah, we sure did.
At a Star Trek convention.
Yeah, we were both dressed as Klingons.
It's a passion of ours.
I knew right away she was the one.
Well, enjoy.
You're perfect together, it's very clear.
Hampus.
It's not half bad, actually.
There might still be time to change the birth certificate.
"Little Hampy.
" Blanca, careful with that box.
How many do we have in there? Mmm Please let the record show that the witness has indicated the defendant.
Proceed, counselor.
Please tell the court how you happen to know the defendant, Lorna Morello.
We went on one date.
I met her at the post office and we had a coffee.
And that was the extent of your relationship? I wasn't interested in pursuing things further.
I told her that.
Very clearly.
And did Miss Morello continue to contact you after this initial date? Relentlessly.
Phone calls, Facebook messages, texts, emails.
She showed up at my house.
Did you make it clear to her that these advances were unwanted? I did.
And then I began receiving threats.
Now, Mr.
MacLaren, did you take any action to prevent these advances? I changed my phone number, my email account, and I moved twice.
Each time, she found me.
When I started dating my current girlfriend, Angela, she showed up in Atlantic City, where we'd gone for the weekend.
She left notes on my car, she threw trash on my lawn, she left voicemails yelling about how I wasn't helping enough with the dog.
I don't even have a dog.
And then she threatened to strangle Angela.
And that's when I got a restraining order.
Did she ever make an attempt on your life? Yes.
We found a homemade explosive device under Angela's car.
Oh, he's being so dramatic.
They're twisting this whole story.
Oh, sorry.
Hey, Angela.
Angela? Babe? Look at this.
There's glass all over the floor.
Hello? Is anyone in here? You were right, Caputo.
- About? - I'm tired.
I'm getting old.
It's a new phase of life.
Time to pack it in.
I'm glad to hear it.
I'm officially one of the Golden Girls, hmm? I sit with them at lunch.
They've even asked me to join their craft circle.
What are you doing in my office? You told me to find a hobby, and that's exactly what we need.
Especially the old ladies.
The rest of the women here have work.
There's no programs for those who've been put out to pasture.
What do you suggest? Aquarobics? - I hear gardening is very therapeutic.
- It is.
It lowers stress, helps with depression.
There's something about actually putting your fingers in the dirt, nurturing something to life.
I've read it can be very healing.
People who do three hours of gardening a week actually live longer.
It's a fact.
That old shed we use on grounds crew, it used to be a greenhouse, no? Wouldn't be so hard to clean it out, bring it to life.
Let the old codgers tinker around.
There's even a place to put your little plants, besides your office window.
From the look of them, they're not getting the sun they need.
What do you get out of it? I get to boss people around again.
Even if it is a bunch of fossils.
Fig would never go for a new program.
It wouldn't cost much.
Bring me a budget.
Seeds, soil, everything spelled out on paper.
I'll see what I can do.
- I'm so sorry! - For what? I just I fell asleep.
I don't know what time it is.
No worries.
We just finished.
You're right on time.
You okay, Morello? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, fine.
How did it go, Rosa? Maybe you should just drive.
I always thought it was one pooter hole and a couple of different holes off of it, like a cave system or something.
Now, see, sometimes my pee comes out like a sprinkler.
Like, it's not a steady stream.
It's more like like a mini shower head.
Are you listening to this? It's the talk of the town.
The wonders of the female anatomy.
You know, someone needs to get these women a medical book.
This is ridiculous.
Do you know? I mean generally.
Remember when that was you, Chapman? A lost little kumquat looking for a place to sit.
What's she in for? Some kind of political protest.
You know, the two of you might have a lot to talk about.
I doubt that.
These bogus bohemian babies have no idea what a non-violent direct action is.
Dirty, fake hippies.
Wow.
Someone's got some issues.
Brook! Right here! Please don't do that.
She's a gabber.
Shall we adjourn? I think that's wise.
Oh, my God, I am so relieved.
I thought you were mad at me.
You're totally not mad at me, right? No, of course I'm not mad at you.
Thank God.
Everyone in here is in such a bad mood all the time.
I mean, like, I always thought women's prison would be more about community and girl power and stuff.
But some of these women just seem crazy.
It can be a lot worse than that, Brook.
It can be seriously dangerous in here.
Don't kid yourself.
What do you mean? You're a pretty girl.
And you're gonna be a target.
I know that I was.
You mean like rape? Ooh, rape, assault, battery.
You need to find yourself a prison wife.
Somebody really tough.
Somebody nobody's gonna fuck with.
Did you do that? All I'm saying is that one night with the right protector can keep you safe for the rest of your sentence.
You mean you.
No.
See, I'm not tough.
What you need is somebody who inspires real fear.
You know, somebody who's kind of man-ish and kind of bulky, but tender at heart.
And there's not a lot of good ones.
Most of them are taken.
Hey, you two.
What are we talking about here? Well, you know, I am feeling so single today.
What's going on? Nothing.
Big Boo, this is Brook.
And, Brook, this is Big Boo.
Uh Is this some kind of game? I don't get it.
What is going on? Could you suck any more at this? I suck at this? I mean, look at your ridiculous timing.
Clearly this is not working, so can I just have my blanket back? No! You didn't deliver.
Deliver what? Me? I did my part.
Were you trying to pimp me out? She took my blanket.
It belonged to my roommate, it meant a lot to me.
Plus, it is very fucking cold in the dormitories.
You tried to sell me for a blanket? Well, when you put it that way You are sick, you know that? You are seriously fucked up.
You know, she's right, Chapman.
You're a horrible person.
Hey, hey, what's the matter? You wanna talk about it? Oh, my God! Oh, wow! You know, I've only ever done this with one other girl before.
I think it was at Bonnaroo, and I made out with the chick who painted my breasts.
We were both wearing these, like, big headdresses and, like, The String Cheese Incident was playing, and we got up on stage and we just started dancing.
You know, when I think back on it, I think I probably ended up getting heat stroke 'cause the tent was like 1,000 degrees.
Oh! That feels good.
Do you ever feel like you're in your body, but you can really feel, like, the space around you, like, air suddenly becomes, like, really heavy, and you can feel, like, the atmosphere, and the molecules, just hanging around your head.
And then, you feel this tingling There we go.
Mmm.
Fucking String Cheese.
What? Where's your little cuddle bunny? What? I saw what went down in here.
You all cozied up with your little girlfriend.
I ain't gay.
Looked pretty gay to me.
We just friends.
Yeah? Just friends? And you're lonely.
You wanna be touched.
Need a hug.
Maybe even more than a hug.
Need all that drama of someone to call your own.
Let me tell you something.
Gay-for-the-stay is for punk ass bitches who aren't strong enough to be true to themselves.
I told you, I ain't like that.
I know that.
And I also know that when you get out of here, you don't want people on the block talking about how you went that way.
That's why I'm telling you, do not let her drag you into that shit.
She is not your real friend.
She is only your friend in here.
She doesn't know you like I do.
I can't really tell if he's breathing on here.
Does he look dead to you? Yes.
No.
No, he's asleep.
He is blissfully asleep.
He's so cute, right? When he's sleeping, he's perfect.
I loved playing house with you today.
I don't know if I'm ever gonna have that.
Yeah, you will.
Shut the fuck up.
I don't want to go home.
Good.
I don't want you to.
You're saving my life and my sanity.
Plus, you change diapers.
And I can pay you with leftover Jamaican food.
Honestly, Larry, I really wouldn't have made it through this week without you.
Thank you.
Now, don't be so juvenile, ladies.
Listen up and learn, okay? Now, this is your vagina.
This is your labia minora, this, this is your clitoris, and this is your urethra.
This is where you pee from.
Ah! Now, ladies, I want each and every one of you to go back to your bunks tonight and get to know your own chachas, okay? No fucking way.
I got a mons pubis.
Yes, you do.
And you also have a labia majora and a clitoral hood.
Now for those of you who are having trouble finding your clitoris, or your partner is having trouble finding your clitoris, you might have to pull back the clitoral hood to expose it.
Little known fact.
The day I use this ticket is the day New York has beaten me.
You know, I just noticed something.
You're kind of a mess.
Thank you.
Nah, I mean, did anybody ever tell you that? You're the first.
Since when do they get all the best seats? The reign of whitey is over.
I've never seen this movie before, but this is some serious capitalist propaganda.
I mean, why is that success? Are we all supposed to wanna work in a corner office and make butt-loads of money? It's a total corporate agenda.
Asshole.
Yeah? Yeah.
Hmm? Oh, my You know Yo, the Spanish bitches are sitting on too many freakin' pillows, making it hard to see and shit.
What'd you call me? Shit.
In my day, the black women would have done Yeah, yeah, we know.
Y'all ran this place.
Shit, I missed, like, half the movie.
Where my seat at? Sorry.
You didn't save me a seat? You always save me a seat.
You know how people are.
What? Maybe you should get here on time.
I've done a lot of stupid things.
I bet you have.
But I have never, ever been involved with a married man.
Well, he was sort of separated when we started.
Yeah, well, it turned out to be a lie.
The whole thing was a mistake.
But we live and we learn and we move on Are you okay? I'm fine.
I'm just I'm missing my fiancé, Christopher, is all.
Oh, honey.
Deep breaths.
Time is all relative.
You'll be together before you know it.
And married.
We'll be married.
Of course you will.
I've decided not to wear a veil.
It's too traditional.
And I want him to see my face.
Why hide it? It's gorgeous.
Oh! Sorry, Miss Rosa.
It's colder than an Eskimo's nuts in here! I'm trying to get the heat going, but when I turn it up too high, a real bad smell comes out of the blowers.
I think it's mouse shit.
You know, they live in the engine.
Just don't breathe in.
I'm going to get poison pumped into my veins.
What's a little mouse shit in my lungs? Ha! All set? Seat belts on.
How's wedding planning going? We're holdin' off for a minute.
Just pressin' the pause button.
Too many people wanna come, you know? I got a big family.
Big, number-wise, not big fat.
Although, there are some fatties.
And it's hard for me to book all the vendors from in here.
You know, none of 'em are on my approved call list.
Weddings were bad luck for me.
All my husbands died.
How many were there? Two.
The third one I wouldn't marry.
Once you know you got a curse on you, you can work around it.
He lives in Canarsie.
I didn't know that.
You never talk about your life.
Nobody cares.
How much time you got left? More than two years.
You're still young, pretty.
You got your whole life ahead of you.
Me? I'm gonna die here.
Where the heck have you been? At the movies.
Perfect.
In the middle of the day.
What'd you see? - Twilight.
- For what, the 14th time? Don't you live the fuckin' life of leisure? Hey, Noise Pollution One and Two, I'm trying to watch my program here.
And send those kids outside.
Mikey, turn it up.
Ma's been ringing her bell for an hour.
What am I, Cinderella? It is your turn! I cleaned her sheets this morning.
Piss and everything.
Oh! Watch your baby, would you? It's a miracle he's lived this long.
Ugh! Hey! Lorna! Lorna! That you? All right.
Hello.
Yes.
I purchased a pair of shoes from you.
Order 1-1-0-0-6-1-7-8, a pair of patchwork platform Pradas.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I can see that my card has been charged, but I never received them.
No, I haven't moved.
Yeah! That's the address I gave you.
No I'm not accusing you of not having sent them, but the fact is they never came.
Yes, yes, it is unfortunate, 'cause I had this big party to go to and I had to wear last season's Miu Miu's.
Hmm.
No.
No, I don't want another pair.
I want a refund.
Yeah, that's right.
A full refund.
Aw, thank you for your honesty, I really appreciate it.
Yes.
Yes, I do have my card number.
Check this bitch out.
I'm surprised she doesn't get a shot for putting on that face.
If the cop's in a bad mood, she does.
I'm seeing a lot of blue eye-shadow and red lipstick.
It's not coming out of commissary.
Who's importing around here? Oh, not really a lot of contraband these days.
Hey! Not since Red got shut down.
Red, huh? Well, that figures.
Still, there's gotta be some holes in this cheese.
Somebody is bringing in something.
Well, Poussey makes hooch.
Oh! And Chang, she got that Tiger Balm, but don't put it on your lips, or your eyeballs.
Bad idea.
Hooch, huh? Shit tastes nasty.
It's like vomit wine coolers.
Yo It's got Kool-Aid, old fruit, ketchup, and moldy bread.
She sells that? I can't drink it.
Makes me feel funny, makes my head all fuzzy.
You still carting that shit around? You one determined mo-fo.
What the fuck is that? - It's a pee funnel.
- A what? I'm tired of trying to pop a squat over them nasty-ass toilets.
This rig is gonna make it easy.
Girl, that's crazy.
How you gonna use that? Yo, with this, I can pee standing up.
Like a dude.
Take this part, put it over my stuff.
Take this little tube part, put it in the toilet.
Or, you know what I'm saying, right over it.
It's genius, yo! I'm gonna call it the "stand and deliver.
" Hey! You should call the patent office right now and make a million dollars.
Really? Hell, no! That's the stupidest idea I ever heard.
No, it ain't, man.
Them toilets be cold as fuck in the morning.
You'll see.
Everybody gonna be wanting one of these to piss in.
Please.
We're eating.
Yeah, I just gotta find me some waterproof tape or something to get these two parts together.
I don't see why you need the funnel.
Like, can't you just put the tube up in you? Uh, no.
'Cause that's not where the pee comes out.
Uh, yeah, it do.
- Out of the big hole.
- Yeah.
No, y'all.
There's a different hole.
- For pee? - Yeah.
What? You crazy.
Y'all, there is the main coochie hole and then there's, like, another little hole just for pee.
Didn't y'all take Sex Ed? She's right.
There's an eeny-meeny-weeny-weeny pee hole.
Man, you trippin'.
It all come out the same hole.
The vagina hole.
All right, then how come you can still pee when you got a tampon in? Mmm? I'm telling you, there's two holes.
Three holes.
The butt.
All right.
You are all disgusting.
I'm out.
I am not even gonna entertain this conversation.
Suzanne! You coming? Put my order in.
I am so confused.
Where is it at? Yo, I still don't see what the hell you talkin' about! You know, your hole, like, your sex hole.
The vagina hole.
Yeah, I got that.
Y'all are crazy.
Man, I wish I had a phone to record this shit.
Now, look underneath your clit, before the main hole.
Or like, just inside the top of it.
Man, I still can't see shit down here.
It's like too many, like, flappy-flap thingies.
- Oh, God.
- How do you know all this? Yo, I've been up close and personal with my share of pussy.
Yeah, you want me to just show you? No! No, no, no.
I can do it.
Just, just tell me where.
Okay, right inside the big ol' hole there's another hole.
Like, a little one.
Wait, what? I thought you said it was a whole other hole.
It's a hole in a hole.
For the love of God, girls, the hole is not inside the hole.
You have your vagina proper, then you have your clitoris.
The urethra is located between the clit and the vagina, inside the labia minora.
- For real? - For real.
I designed one myself.
Had plans drawn up and everything.
I seen some funky punani in my day.
I'm not gonna leave that shit up to chance.
Here.
Take a long look, honey.
You'll see what I'm talking about.
Oh, my God.
Holy shit! Yo, y'all, she's right.
Aw! It's cute.
- Hey! I'm next! - Yeah! Me, too.
You know, I gotta see this shit! Yo! Back up! Nichols! What the fuck? Why you pickin' all the peaches? - I have no idea what you're talking about.
- Yes, you do.
Hascowitz? I've been trying to get bumper-to-bumper with that for a month.
And now, she feels used and doesn't wanna sleep around because you got there first.
Ah.
Used, eh? She wasn't exactly new when I rode in her, eh? A little dented actually, right? The upholstery was worn.
You knew I was after that.
Well, what can I say? Not everyone wants a diesel dyke.
Lay off my marks.
Seriously.
Enough with the cliterference.
What's this? Oh! Put that back, please.
Would you give it back? Who is Brook? Oh, yeah.
That's the new girl, isn't it? Hot one of the Asian persuasion? Oh, my God! I found your fuck book? Right.
So what if it is? Oh, you fuckin' junkie.
- All right.
- No, I get this.
Better pussy than smack.
Right? It's not an addiction.
It's a collection, all right? Some people collect buttons or Taco Bell Chihuahuas, I collect orgasms.
See, I'm all about giving.
Look, I am like a bean-flicking Mother Teresa.
You know what? This here is my kind of competition.
It's on.
Ooh! Bitch, this is on! So, what's the deal with Miss Rosa? I mean, I know they say she has cancer and everything, but are they sure it's not alopecia? And what's the deal with this room? Is everyone in here, like, new or sick or just old? I mean, I can't believe how many old people there are in here.
Like, what did they do that they're still in here? Like, what did she do? None of your fuckin' business, you mental patient.
But seriously, have they all been in here since, like, the '70s? No, most of them got transferred up from Max for good behavior.
Wow.
It is crazy to think about how many years they spend in here, you know? I mean, I've been arrested before, like loads of times.
When they cleared out Zuccotti Park, I spent three whole days in a cell.
But that was jail and this is prison.
They're pretty much the same thing.
No, they're not.
Your parents pick you up from jail.
Take out her batteries, would ya? I'm trying to take a nap over here.
Chapman, Soso, happy day in cell block A, you are being assigned.
Oh.
Wait, did we do something wrong? No.
We're getting our bunks.
Oh, cool beans.
Oh, my God, does that mean we're gonna be roomies? Just so you know, I do snore sometimes, so But only if I'm on my back or if I have a cold.
So, just tell me to roll over, and I totally will.
- Morning, Officer Bell.
- O'Neill.
Wow.
I didn't expect the bunks to feel so dorm-y.
It kind of reminds me of camp, you know? Except without the gimp bracelets and the archery and kind of sad.
What a bunch of vultures.
Wait, did you just steal that book? It's mine.
I'm reclaiming it.
Chapman, in here.
Soso, follow me.
We're not together? Thank you.
Did you go to summer camp? It was seriously, like, the best time of my life.
Hi, Red.
Oh, no, honey, you're not in here.
Looks like I am.
Can I move some of this stuff? No, you may not.
Can I have a few of those hooks then? I need all four of them.
They're mine.
What are you gonna do? Not feed me? I have a mealy bug infestation.
They secrete this powdery wax substance.
It's a bitch to get off.
- You gave me a roommate.
- Yes, I did.
I haven't had a bunkie in 12 years.
We don't get special privileges when we turn our prison assignment into a drug smuggling operation.
You know that was never my game.
Sure, pin it on a guy who's not here to defend himself.
He was counting on that.
You got too big for your britches, Red.
We all turned the other way.
You were bringing in pantyhose and nail polish.
Seemed harmless, kept the ladies happy.
And Healy, he had his head shoved so far up your ass he could chew your food for you.
So frankly, I don't give a shit whether it was you or somebody else.
You let drugs in here.
A girl died because of you.
"A small leak can sink a great ship.
" - You know who said that? - No.
Neither do I.
But I can't have leaky holes in my prison.
Nothing coming in, nothing going out.
Welcome to retirement, Red.
Get a hobby, crochet yourself a fucking hammock for all I give a shit.
Use a mixture of garlic, vinegar and hot pepper sauce.
It's a natural insecticide.
Park in the garage and I'll see you in three hours.
I know the drill.
I hate this part.
Poor you.
Almost paradise We're knockin' on heaven's door It's almost paradise How could we ask for more? Oh! Oh, my goodness, I am so sorry! No, that was me.
Please, please.
No! Oh, my God, I'm such a klutz.
Not at all.
Just looks like you could use a couple more arms.
Here you go.
Wow.
I heard the postal service was going bankrupt.
But it looks like you're personally gonna turn that around.
Well I do I do what I can.
Yeah, a true patriot, huh? Oh, yeah! I love my country.
Either that or you're running a mail scam.
Yes.
Oh! Here, let me help you with that.
Thank you.
Thank you Uh, Christopher.
- Christopher.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
You look like somebody.
I'm Lorna Morello.
Beautiful and Italian.
Today must be my lucky day.
Well, Miss Morello, after you're done cleaning this place out of postage, maybe I could take you for a coffee? I would love that, Christopher.
Thank you.
Well, if it isn't the wily inventress of Litchfield about to make a fortune for herself.
Ah, you know it.
Yo, but I'm thinking of changing the name.
What do you think about the "she-wee"? No, I'm talking about your other little side business.
Pruno.
Oh, my hooch? That's just for fun.
There's no charge.
The girls would pay for it.
I mean, but that ain't the point.
I make it for me and my friends.
Yeah, but you're missing an opportunity.
Besides, I got me a killer recipe.
We could compare notes, tweak it a little bit.
Charge by the cup.
Hell, we could charge by the sip.
Um, naw.
That ain't my bag.
Sorry.
How are you feeling? You look better.
You want to keep a burn from scarring? Mix some lemon juice with Vaseline, apply it every day.
What do you want? I want you to stop sulking.
I never meant for you to get hurt.
I did it for the good of the family.
It's not good enough, Red.
No.
Fine.
May I sit here? Of course, dear.
Tell that man at the end of the table to stop winking at me.
Don't watch her eat.
It'll drive you insane.
She'll finish that soup next Monday.
This is not looking right.
Because you stitch too tight.
Make a gauge swatch like I told you and count your stitches, you won't have that problem.
We have a crochet circle if you'd like to join.
I don't crochet.
But that sounds very nice.
Oh, it's boring as hell.
But what else have we got to do? What happened to my pants? The ones you're wearing? You just work on that soup there, Jimmy.
Like a liquefied bowl of Jell-O.
I can hear you, you old cunt.
Fuck these bitches.
No, I'm not done reading that! Everybody dies.
- This is mine.
- No, it ain't.
Then why does it have my inmate number carved in the back? Eh! Fine, Inspector Gadget.
Inspector Gadget was not a good detective.
He just had a lot of stuff.
Plus he had Penny and the Brain helping him.
You best get the fuck out now.
This is unbelievable.
You, too? None of us thought you were coming back.
Really? It ain't about you.
I like the beach.
Keep it.
That's my blanket.
No, this is Miss Claudette's blanket.
It's mine.
We've talked about this, and I'm taking it back.
Really? And how do you suppose you're going to do that? I don't wanna have to get physical with you.
Oh, please! I could snap your femur like a toothpick, twiggy.
Fuck off.
Piper! There you are.
Hi.
Um, so, I heard tonight is movie night, and I don't have headphones yet, so I went to Hey! What's your name? Um, so, anyway, I guess I just don't understand this Chinese lady at the commissary.
Is she Chinese? I don't wanna presume.
She could be a Malay.
Not now, Brook.
Okay, should I meet you out here? I'm busy.
Go back to your cube.
Now.
Okay, yeah! Bye! Looks like you got yourself a pet kitten.
Oh, I just wanna put her in a bag of rocks and dump her at the bottom of the lake.
Hey You really want that blanket? Maybe we could work out a trade? All this pee hole business Like, what the fuck else don't I know? I been living all these years and never even looked at my own damn vajayjay.
What other surprises my body gonna spring on me? I mean, have you looked at these feet ever? Like, I don't wanna scare you, but I'm not sure if this one right here's a toe.
- Shut up.
- Nah! The little one, it don't look right.
Could be a pencil eraser, old piece of jerky Oh, leave my feet alone! Yo, I'm done anyway.
Check out my masterpiece.
What? That's a hot-ass mess.
It's abstract, yo! You only supposed to paint the nail, not the skin! Fuck! Look, all innovators have their work criticized at first.
Appreciation will come.
I'll give you time.
I already have time.
Time and a shit pedicure.
No! Stop! You're gonna mess it up! - Stop! - I'm bigger than you, bitch! I hate tickling! No! No! Uncle! Uncle! I can't breathe! I'm sorry, P.
We've been through this.
I know.
- I'm not - I know.
Maybe we could cuddle for a minute? Yeah.
Go back.
You can still go back.
That looks like fun.
So, how long you been in treatment? Listen, I've gotta sit here for the next two hours, and I don't really feel like talking to some old bald lady.
So can we just, like, pretend I'm not here? I was gonna tell you a joke.
I'm good, thanks.
Yo, Nurse! Do you have an iPhone charger? No, sorry.
Oh, my God! This is bullshit.
- What's your joke? - Too late.
Whatever.
I'm sure it's stupid.
So, the doctor says to the patient, "I got bad news and some more bad news.
"The bad news is, you got cancer.
" "And the more bad news?" "You also got Alzheimer's disease.
" So, the patient thinks for a minute, and then she says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer!" I don't get it.
I'm not gonna explain it to you.
Figure it out.
I'm gonna grab a soda from the vending machine.
- Would you like anything? - I'd love a Pepsi.
Don't tell anyone.
Who's that? Is she your daughter? She's a correctional officer.
- Prison guard? - Exactly.
Wait.
So you're not a Are you? For serious? I thought those were just, like, comfy old lady chemo clothes.
What'd you do? Robbed a bank.
You're lying.
No way.
Google me.
All right.
Come on, tell me about it.
You want the first time or the last? The first time was in 1982 Fuck it.
Hmm.
Trash.
Trash.
Hmm? This too much for the Jersey shore? Not if you're gonna walk the boardwalk looking to make some extra cash.
Uh, it's Dolce & Gabbana, you nut.
How the heck are you paying for all this stuff? I get good deals.
I'm a savvy shopper.
And Christopher likes me to look sophisticated.
He says I'm like Audrey Hepburn.
Besides, this is our first weekend away together.
- And we're staying somewhere fancy.
- Where? I don't know.
He has the whole time planned.
He is gonna take me on a sailboat, and then we're gonna ride the Wildwood Ferris Wheel at sunset.
I can't believe I met a guy like this, Franny.
You should bring him over for dinner.
What, to meet Ma and everybody? Are you crazy? I don't want him getting scared off, okay? He's the one.
You don't know if he's the one until he's met the family.
It's like a test.
He don't need a test, okay? He's my destiny.
And I'm telling you, it was like the movies.
Like, you know, in Notting Hill where Hugh Grant bumps into Julia Roberts and he spills his orange juice on her? That's what happened to us.
We crashed into each other.
Literally.
I mean, Franny, it was meant to be.
You look cute in that dress.
Like Pretty Woman? Yeah, like Pretty Woman.
Bastards! They grow as fast as bamboo.
It's an invasion.
You know, I get them, too.
Well, most of the time they're blonde, and they are soft, but every once in a while, I do get one that is black and spiky, and if you don't catch it in time, all of a sudden it's like two feet long and it's growing right out of the side of your face, like this giant, pubey, lady beard hair.
You know, I get one right here.
Larry called him "Spike.
" How is he? Spike? Well, he's just starting up, but I can feel him.
The husband.
I don't know.
We don't talk.
No letters.
I used to get two a week.
In fact, this week, all I got was a card from my grandmother.
My friends aren't feeling too prolific these days.
I'm sure he told them what a horrible, evil cheater I am.
And it's not like I'm in any position to defend myself.
Nobody has any idea what to say to me.
People are fickle fucks.
You know, the thing is, I don't blame them.
I don't even blame him, ultimately.
I was selfish.
You have to be selfish in here.
That's how you survive.
People's loyalty means nothing.
Because the second you're not useful to them, you're out.
You think that's why your girls turned on you? Is that what you heard? No.
I've just noticed that you've been flying solo lately.
My friendship used to come with perks.
Now I'm just an angry old Russian lady.
Without the free stockings and eyeliner, I'm not quite the draw I used to be.
And take it from me, Chapman, husbands are overrated.
They're as useless as children.
Count yourself lucky.
If it was meant to last, it would have.
Here.
For Spike.
He cried nonstop.
By 4:00 a.
m.
, I was ready to smother him with a Boppy.
I know, that's really dark, but I'm all alone until the new baby nurse comes at 7:00! And then she leaves at 3:00! Fucking Pete.
You know, what if I went off to Alaska? Just, "Peace out! I'm off to kayak and pretend I'm fucking Bear Grylls, "'cause we spawned this symbolic end of childhood "and I can't handle it because I'm fucking Peter Pan.
" My therapist is an idiot, misogynistic piece of shit.
You should go.
Seriously, just go, you know, kayak with the Lost Boys.
I'll keep this little monkey, breast-feed him, raise him as my own, along with the baby nurse from 7:00 to 3:00.
She's not hot.
She's got a wonky eye and bad acne scars.
And she's in her 50s.
But she makes these amazing plantains and sings him Jimmy Cliff songs.
Sold.
You're the only one who'll still hang out with us.
Everyone swears they'll still come around, but they don't.
How old is the baby? Uh, ten weeks.
Congratulations.
Oh, you're such an attractive family.
Thank you.
Yeah, we You know, despite the blond hair, she still swears he's mine.
What's his name? Hampus.
Hampus Renselor.
It's an old family name.
It's beautiful, isn't it? Little Hampy.
How long have the two of you been married? Long time.
We got married on the Circle Line.
In front of the Statue of Liberty.
It was beautiful.
Huge wedding.
- Did you meet in the city? - Oh, we Yeah, we sure did.
At a Star Trek convention.
Yeah, we were both dressed as Klingons.
It's a passion of ours.
I knew right away she was the one.
Well, enjoy.
You're perfect together, it's very clear.
Hampus.
It's not half bad, actually.
There might still be time to change the birth certificate.
"Little Hampy.
" Blanca, careful with that box.
How many do we have in there? Mmm Please let the record show that the witness has indicated the defendant.
Proceed, counselor.
Please tell the court how you happen to know the defendant, Lorna Morello.
We went on one date.
I met her at the post office and we had a coffee.
And that was the extent of your relationship? I wasn't interested in pursuing things further.
I told her that.
Very clearly.
And did Miss Morello continue to contact you after this initial date? Relentlessly.
Phone calls, Facebook messages, texts, emails.
She showed up at my house.
Did you make it clear to her that these advances were unwanted? I did.
And then I began receiving threats.
Now, Mr.
MacLaren, did you take any action to prevent these advances? I changed my phone number, my email account, and I moved twice.
Each time, she found me.
When I started dating my current girlfriend, Angela, she showed up in Atlantic City, where we'd gone for the weekend.
She left notes on my car, she threw trash on my lawn, she left voicemails yelling about how I wasn't helping enough with the dog.
I don't even have a dog.
And then she threatened to strangle Angela.
And that's when I got a restraining order.
Did she ever make an attempt on your life? Yes.
We found a homemade explosive device under Angela's car.
Oh, he's being so dramatic.
They're twisting this whole story.
Oh, sorry.
Hey, Angela.
Angela? Babe? Look at this.
There's glass all over the floor.
Hello? Is anyone in here? You were right, Caputo.
- About? - I'm tired.
I'm getting old.
It's a new phase of life.
Time to pack it in.
I'm glad to hear it.
I'm officially one of the Golden Girls, hmm? I sit with them at lunch.
They've even asked me to join their craft circle.
What are you doing in my office? You told me to find a hobby, and that's exactly what we need.
Especially the old ladies.
The rest of the women here have work.
There's no programs for those who've been put out to pasture.
What do you suggest? Aquarobics? - I hear gardening is very therapeutic.
- It is.
It lowers stress, helps with depression.
There's something about actually putting your fingers in the dirt, nurturing something to life.
I've read it can be very healing.
People who do three hours of gardening a week actually live longer.
It's a fact.
That old shed we use on grounds crew, it used to be a greenhouse, no? Wouldn't be so hard to clean it out, bring it to life.
Let the old codgers tinker around.
There's even a place to put your little plants, besides your office window.
From the look of them, they're not getting the sun they need.
What do you get out of it? I get to boss people around again.
Even if it is a bunch of fossils.
Fig would never go for a new program.
It wouldn't cost much.
Bring me a budget.
Seeds, soil, everything spelled out on paper.
I'll see what I can do.
- I'm so sorry! - For what? I just I fell asleep.
I don't know what time it is.
No worries.
We just finished.
You're right on time.
You okay, Morello? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, fine.
How did it go, Rosa? Maybe you should just drive.
I always thought it was one pooter hole and a couple of different holes off of it, like a cave system or something.
Now, see, sometimes my pee comes out like a sprinkler.
Like, it's not a steady stream.
It's more like like a mini shower head.
Are you listening to this? It's the talk of the town.
The wonders of the female anatomy.
You know, someone needs to get these women a medical book.
This is ridiculous.
Do you know? I mean generally.
Remember when that was you, Chapman? A lost little kumquat looking for a place to sit.
What's she in for? Some kind of political protest.
You know, the two of you might have a lot to talk about.
I doubt that.
These bogus bohemian babies have no idea what a non-violent direct action is.
Dirty, fake hippies.
Wow.
Someone's got some issues.
Brook! Right here! Please don't do that.
She's a gabber.
Shall we adjourn? I think that's wise.
Oh, my God, I am so relieved.
I thought you were mad at me.
You're totally not mad at me, right? No, of course I'm not mad at you.
Thank God.
Everyone in here is in such a bad mood all the time.
I mean, like, I always thought women's prison would be more about community and girl power and stuff.
But some of these women just seem crazy.
It can be a lot worse than that, Brook.
It can be seriously dangerous in here.
Don't kid yourself.
What do you mean? You're a pretty girl.
And you're gonna be a target.
I know that I was.
You mean like rape? Ooh, rape, assault, battery.
You need to find yourself a prison wife.
Somebody really tough.
Somebody nobody's gonna fuck with.
Did you do that? All I'm saying is that one night with the right protector can keep you safe for the rest of your sentence.
You mean you.
No.
See, I'm not tough.
What you need is somebody who inspires real fear.
You know, somebody who's kind of man-ish and kind of bulky, but tender at heart.
And there's not a lot of good ones.
Most of them are taken.
Hey, you two.
What are we talking about here? Well, you know, I am feeling so single today.
What's going on? Nothing.
Big Boo, this is Brook.
And, Brook, this is Big Boo.
Uh Is this some kind of game? I don't get it.
What is going on? Could you suck any more at this? I suck at this? I mean, look at your ridiculous timing.
Clearly this is not working, so can I just have my blanket back? No! You didn't deliver.
Deliver what? Me? I did my part.
Were you trying to pimp me out? She took my blanket.
It belonged to my roommate, it meant a lot to me.
Plus, it is very fucking cold in the dormitories.
You tried to sell me for a blanket? Well, when you put it that way You are sick, you know that? You are seriously fucked up.
You know, she's right, Chapman.
You're a horrible person.
Hey, hey, what's the matter? You wanna talk about it? Oh, my God! Oh, wow! You know, I've only ever done this with one other girl before.
I think it was at Bonnaroo, and I made out with the chick who painted my breasts.
We were both wearing these, like, big headdresses and, like, The String Cheese Incident was playing, and we got up on stage and we just started dancing.
You know, when I think back on it, I think I probably ended up getting heat stroke 'cause the tent was like 1,000 degrees.
Oh! That feels good.
Do you ever feel like you're in your body, but you can really feel, like, the space around you, like, air suddenly becomes, like, really heavy, and you can feel, like, the atmosphere, and the molecules, just hanging around your head.
And then, you feel this tingling There we go.
Mmm.
Fucking String Cheese.
What? Where's your little cuddle bunny? What? I saw what went down in here.
You all cozied up with your little girlfriend.
I ain't gay.
Looked pretty gay to me.
We just friends.
Yeah? Just friends? And you're lonely.
You wanna be touched.
Need a hug.
Maybe even more than a hug.
Need all that drama of someone to call your own.
Let me tell you something.
Gay-for-the-stay is for punk ass bitches who aren't strong enough to be true to themselves.
I told you, I ain't like that.
I know that.
And I also know that when you get out of here, you don't want people on the block talking about how you went that way.
That's why I'm telling you, do not let her drag you into that shit.
She is not your real friend.
She is only your friend in here.
She doesn't know you like I do.
I can't really tell if he's breathing on here.
Does he look dead to you? Yes.
No.
No, he's asleep.
He is blissfully asleep.
He's so cute, right? When he's sleeping, he's perfect.
I loved playing house with you today.
I don't know if I'm ever gonna have that.
Yeah, you will.
Shut the fuck up.
I don't want to go home.
Good.
I don't want you to.
You're saving my life and my sanity.
Plus, you change diapers.
And I can pay you with leftover Jamaican food.
Honestly, Larry, I really wouldn't have made it through this week without you.
Thank you.
Now, don't be so juvenile, ladies.
Listen up and learn, okay? Now, this is your vagina.
This is your labia minora, this, this is your clitoris, and this is your urethra.
This is where you pee from.
Ah! Now, ladies, I want each and every one of you to go back to your bunks tonight and get to know your own chachas, okay? No fucking way.
I got a mons pubis.
Yes, you do.
And you also have a labia majora and a clitoral hood.
Now for those of you who are having trouble finding your clitoris, or your partner is having trouble finding your clitoris, you might have to pull back the clitoral hood to expose it.
Little known fact.
The day I use this ticket is the day New York has beaten me.
You know, I just noticed something.
You're kind of a mess.
Thank you.
Nah, I mean, did anybody ever tell you that? You're the first.
Since when do they get all the best seats? The reign of whitey is over.
I've never seen this movie before, but this is some serious capitalist propaganda.
I mean, why is that success? Are we all supposed to wanna work in a corner office and make butt-loads of money? It's a total corporate agenda.
Asshole.
Yeah? Yeah.
Hmm? Oh, my You know Yo, the Spanish bitches are sitting on too many freakin' pillows, making it hard to see and shit.
What'd you call me? Shit.
In my day, the black women would have done Yeah, yeah, we know.
Y'all ran this place.
Shit, I missed, like, half the movie.
Where my seat at? Sorry.
You didn't save me a seat? You always save me a seat.
You know how people are.
What? Maybe you should get here on time.
I've done a lot of stupid things.
I bet you have.
But I have never, ever been involved with a married man.
Well, he was sort of separated when we started.
Yeah, well, it turned out to be a lie.
The whole thing was a mistake.
But we live and we learn and we move on Are you okay? I'm fine.
I'm just I'm missing my fiancé, Christopher, is all.
Oh, honey.
Deep breaths.
Time is all relative.
You'll be together before you know it.
And married.
We'll be married.
Of course you will.
I've decided not to wear a veil.
It's too traditional.
And I want him to see my face.
Why hide it? It's gorgeous.