Outnumbered (2007) s02e04 Episode Script
The Airport
Are we late? I don't wanna miss the plane.
We're not late are we? Don't worry, Dad.
We're not late, we're early.
That way we avoid our usual last minute panic, don't we? I'll get the trolley! OK, but remember they are not built for speed.
You could have crippled that poor woman at Gatwick.
Well, I did shout, "Look out, lady, I can't stop!" So, how early are we, Mummy? Well, let's ask Daddy, shall we? Exactly how early are we, Daddy? Well, we're a bit early.
But how early? Nice and early.
Daddy likes to allow plenty of time.
That's right, in case of bad traffic.
Bad traffic, on a small island, on a Sunday, in a Catholic country.
Look at those policemen.
They've got guns.
That is so cool.
There's nothing cool about guns.
They are horrible things.
They kill people.
That's why they're cool.
Young people make a lot of gun crime.
It's a tragedy in our inner city.
What? The man on the telly said that.
The one with the desk.
The one that speaks like that.
Fiona Bruce.
Kids, you stay with Grandad for a sec.
Won't be long.
Have you ever fired a gun, Grandad? Oh, yeah.
In Korea.
Have you ever seen anybody get shot? Oh, yeah.
What, in Korea? No, in a pub in Aldershot.
Is it safe to let your dad go back to his own house next week? He seems to have gone downhill a bit.
He gets more disorientated when his biorhythms are out of kilter.
But on the holiday, he was wandering off He wasn't that bad.
Sue, I found him on a dual carriageway.
Yeah, but that's because he's in a strange environment.
Our flight isn't even up there.
Twice I found him in someone else's room.
They all looked the same.
It's an easy mistake to make.
He had a bath in one.
Those people were very reasonable about it.
There it is! T549 Two hour delay.
Oh, noooo Yep.
With the three hours leeway you built in, that's five hours, in an airport, with kids.
That's five weeks in real-time.
Well They can do some colouring.
All right, well it looks like we've got a bit of a wait.
Mummy's just working out where we check the bags in and then, that leaves us free to explore.
Daddy, what's that man keep saying? He's just telling us not to leave our bags unattended.
Now then But, why does he keep saying it? Because the airport people, you see, they don't want people just to wander off and leave their bags, that's why he's saying it.
Why? Because there are some bad people who A very tiny, tiny, tiny number of, of bad people, who might want to .
.
Damage the planes.
Whatlike graffiti? No Bit worse than that.
Anyway, who wants an ice cream? Me.
But what's that got to do with bags? Cos that's where they hide bombs.
Bombs?! Do bad people have bombs?! We are talking about a fantastically tiny number of bad people.
The world is full of nice people.
Anyway it's nothing to worry Oh, look! Look at that policeman with the dog.
What kind of dog is that? Why does he bring his dog to work? To sniff out Companionship.
Wellguess what? Check-in isn't even open yet.
You all right, Karen? Yeah, she's on top form, aren't you, eh? Actually, I'm not on top form.
I'm thinking about all the bad people with the bombs.
Someone's got onto the topic of bombs.
It's these incessant announcements.
Darling, the thing to remember is, the naughty people who've got the bombs, well, they are a fantastically tiny, tiny number.
Isn't that right, Grandad? Yeah, yeah.
Mind you, it only takes one.
What do you mean it only takes one? He doesn't mean anything.
HE MOANS How much longer till we leave? But it was four hours a few minutes ago.
Yep, it was two, then four, and now it's six.
They're working their way through the two times table.
Well, it's quite complicated, because they believe that their religion tells them to do it, so that they can get into heaven.
Is this Muslims? No, not just It's not just Muslims, no.
What other religions have blown up planes? Well, erthe Well, it is mostly Muslims, yes, but it's just a tiny, tiny group of Muslims that do bad things, erbecause they think God is telling them to do it.
That's silly, why would God tell them to blow up planes? Well Exactly.
God could do it much easilier than they could.
He can do whatever he wants.
He's God.
Well, yes, yes Let's continue No, I won't! Anyway, I don't know the Spanish for, "Can my son have a go with your machine-gun?" And you won't find it in the phrasebook.
Oh, God! What's up? Jake's texting Jo and Jo isn't texting back.
Maybe there's a problem with her phone.
Or maybe Jo doesn't want a boyfriend who's ugly.
Shut it, you! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Stop! Erm What That man When that man keeps saying, "Please report suspicious behaviour.
" What is sus-sus-pa, suspicious behaviour? Well, it's when someone's acting oddly, orthey look very nervous or they, I don't knowsweating a lot.
Of if they're carrying a bomb.
Yep, thatthat would qualify as suspicious behaviour.
OK.
Oh, no, because That man's sweating.
But he's hot.
He's just hot.
I saw a lady buy a chocolate bar and then not eat it.
And I saw a man, that was holding his hands behind his back for a very long time, and I saw a lady, she was looking at a sign with very small eyes.
Ah And I think those things are suspicious.
Just go and see if our flight's up there.
Go on.
It really hacks me off, you know.
We're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
We're just friends.
Well, that's terrific.
Because that means that you're not making the mistake that I made.
Because I over-invested in one friend who happened to be a girl.
It's rather silly, really.
I used to give her all my Refreshers.
They were like a little packet of sweets that had letters on them and I used to secretly rearrange the order of the letters, so that they spelt out, "I Love You.
" Mind you, I had to buy a lot of packets to get the right letters.
How old were you? Sixt Six.
That man's still sweating.
AAA Aeroplane? Not that I see any.
Nope, it's not aeroplane.
Alsatian? No.
Not Alsatian.
AK-47? No.
Ah HE MUMBLES All right, I give up! It's air.
Air?! You can't see air! You can! Ermwhat about all that fog and mist, that we had on holiday, that was air.
Yeahsadly.
And when it's a very hot day, you can see the sun coming in and all those dotty bits of air.
That's dust.
Yes, but what makes it float? Air does.
All right.
Something beginning with T.
Who's this? Oh, Jo, I love you, Jo Shut up, you little Boys Hey, don't push me! Ow Boys! Sorry.
I am so sorry! Don't worry.
We didn't mean it.
Thank you.
Yeah well, this is precisely how accidents happen.
I'm so sorry.
It's fine, honestly.
Boys will be boys.
I'm sure we've met before.
Were you at the hotel? No.
We met on the way out.
At Gatwick.
I didn't have the stick then.
Ahhthe ramp lady.
I am so Please, it's fine.
Let us get you another coffee.
I'm all right.
No, no.
Jake.
Jake.
Go and get this lady another coffee, by way of apology.
Careful.
All right.
I give up.
It's time.
Karen, you can't see time.
You can! Cos otherwise, why would people say, "Have you seen the time?" Yes, but that's a manner of speaking.
You can't actually see the time Yeah, but why would they say it because because if a person looked and they saw the time, they'd say, "Yes, I did, I have seen the time.
" Yes, but I can't see your I spy of time, can I? You can't see time.
You can feel time passing, especially playing this game.
Did you get that lady her coffee? Yeah, and I got one for me.
You got yourself a coffee? Yeah, a double espresso.
A double esp? You're the one telling me to try new things.
But I meant, you know, vegetables and stuff, not stimulants, you've never had caffeine before.
Don't get in a state.
I only drank half.
Oh.
Oh, OK.
Ben drank the other half.
You let Ben drink a double espresso.
It tasted horrible to begin with.
But then I added five spoonfuls of sugar and now I feel All zingy, zangy, zongy! Zingy, zangy, zongy? I feel like lightning.
Hey! As we had a bit of time to kill, to put it mildly, erm I did a rough calculation, and this is our debt at the end of the year.
Bloody hell.
That's assuming I get the job I'm going for next week.
And that's the figure, if I don't.
Bloody hell! I mean, it's my fault.
I should have stayed on top of things, I should never have booked this holiday.
That was ridiculous.
It'sit's my fault.
Clearly it's my fault.
Oh well, thanks for trying to make me feel better! Pete, can you say something?! Bloody hell.
Apart from bloody hell? Jesus.
This is without additional things, isn't it? Like, if we have to have the roof done, or if we have to find somewhere for your dad to To what? Well, y'know if he Yeah, but he's going home soon, isn't he? Once the fire damage is fixed.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Bloody hell.
BOYS SCREAM Leave it! Stop playing with the trolleys! Marmalade? No.
Millionaire? Nope.
Mop? Nope.
OK, I give up.
What is it? Muslim! Karen! Shh! Keep your voice down.
But he is a Muslim.
I know, but you can't just And it begins with M.
You can't just point at people and shout out their religions.
It's not nice.
Well, he must know that he's a Muslim.
Look itit's quite complicated, because it's not easy being a Muslim at the moment, and imagine if you saw a Jewish person, you wouldn't point at them and shout out, "Oh, look there's a "Jewish person!", because it wouldn't be right, would it? It wouldn't be right, because Jewish person doesn't begin with an M.
Don't you know how to play this game? Muslim! That's brilliant! I never would have got that! 'Flight T549 is now boarding at gate nine.
' OK, Karen, you see, what you have to understand, is that the world is full of good people.
Well, all right, then.
Out of ten people, how many people would be good? Nine.
And sometimes ten, because it depends on how many which ten you choose in the first placeOK, it's probably not best to get bogged down in the numbers.
Basically, most people in the world are good, but there are some people, a tiny number, who believe that everyone in the whole world should believe what they believe.
And they've decided that anyone who doesn't have the same ideas or beliefsis an enemy.
And they are allowed .
.
to kill them.
So, they're like fantastically bossy people.
That's it, exactly, fantastically bossy people.
Who like explosives.
MmmAl-Qaeda in a nutshell.
Fantastically bossy people who like explosives.
Ready? You're out again! We won't be long, Dad.
Boys! Can you come here now, because it'll be our turn in a second.
I've spent my life standing in line, while some other bugger pushes in.
Waargh! What's that dreadful noise? Oh, it's muzak.
What? Muzak.
Mu-zak? Muzak.
No, no, no, Sue, it's pronounced mu-sic.
No, Dad, it's It doesn't matter.
Look, we'll be moving soon.
Well, if there are so many good people and so less bad people why don't the good people just kill the bad people? Yesbutifif the good people just killed all the bad people, then they wouldn't be good any more, would they? Well, that is a point but they could put all the bad people in a big pit, and make them kill each other.
Have you been reading the Daily Mail again? Can I hold the trolley? As long as you're careful and don't play with it.
There's no such word as muzak.
No Dad, it'sit doesn't matter.
Ow! Oh, my God! What have you done? I am so sorry! Are you OK? Yes.
What did I tell you, Ben? I'm really sorry, is your ha Don't worry, I'm fine.
Oh golly! I'm so sorry.
He's How we gonna stop the person from being bad? You can't teach them, you can't play with them, because they'll just be bad at playing.
You have to kill them! You could lock them up.
No, you couldn't lock them up! Cos they'll break out, but they're so bad, they'll break out, they'll do breaking out thingies You can't have the good people killing the bad people, because that'sthat's that's just as bad.
Wellyou could put all the bad people in a black room, strap knives to their chests, and make them walk around.
They bump into each other, they'll be, the knife will be going into the other person's chest and they'll die.
You seeyou'd have toyou can't let bad people stab bad people, because as a good person you'd feel morally obliged to stop that sort of .
.
Slaughter.
Hmmwell, you could take all the bad people and say, "You're going to fly off the edge of the cliff because you can fly.
" Then they'll be like, "All right".
But then you're lying to the bad people then, aren't you? Well Yes, but They'll be dead.
Next, please.
So, Ben, that's the game, OK.
The one who can mention the most explosives is the winner.
Yeah.
Did you pack the bags yourselves? No.
Then, who did? Search me.
I did.
Have you got any of the items on this chart? None except the Semtex.
Oh, the Semtex joke, first one today.
Sorry.
How many bags? Er, four.
Do you know how long it's likely to be? I just want to know if I should feed them or not.
Personally, I won't be requiring any food, Mother.
Though my friend "Dinah, might".
Sorry, they're a bit Dynamite.
They had a double espresso.
You give your kids double espressos? Oh, no, no, we don't give, give them, they bought them.
Before we realised.
If we'd known, then we wouldn't have We'd havestopped them Doing it.
Here are your boarding passes.
Be careful with that bag.
That's the one with the hand grenades in.
OK, for your information, saying that is a criminal offence.
He's a kid! What's an offence? What's happening? In America he'd get five years for that.
He's mucking about.
Airport security isn't an environment for "mucking about".
If he does it again he could end up having to face the music! Next, please.
There.
See, Sue.
Mu-sic.
Ic! Give the gentleman your passport.
No wisecracks.
I don't want Give the man your passport.
Come on, come on.
Thank you.
Off you go.
Afternoon.
Is there a problem? Dad's a terrorist! Shhh! Ha-ha.
That's, erthat's my son.
He's had a double espresso.
Are they going to put Daddy in jail? No, they're not! What's keeping Pete so long? Formalities, Dad.
Just formalities.
No.
Thank you.
And er You have a nice day, yourself.
Pete! It's nice to see the spirit of General Franco lives on.
Pete! What bad manners.
Don't get involved! They outrank you.
(And they've got guns!) A smile costs nothing, you know.
Walk away! ALARM BEEPS Everybody's looking at us, Mummy.
Yes, I know, darling.
Whose bag is this, please? God, that's Ben's bag, isn't it? This is your bag.
It's my son's bag, yes.
Is this about the knife? We have had enough of that little joke, Ben.
Thank you very much.
Yes, it is about the knife.
Did you know he had the knife? No, I didn't know he had the knife.
Or the fish-skeleton.
Or the doll's head with the little hermit crab in it.
I mean, it was obviously just stuff he'd picked up off the beach.
There was no need for them to stand there waving their arms about.
Anyway, it was only a butter knife.
He's hardly gonna spread the pilot to death.
Can we talk about something else? At least Jake seems to have hit the wall at last.
Ben seems the same, though.
Nearly half-way through the trenches.
.
I don't think caffeine makes any difference to the way he behaves.
Lives his whole life in a naturally caffeinated state.
Take that! Sspprrtt! Mummy.
That man's acting suspiciously again.
I don't think he is, darling.
He looks all funny and nervous, and sweaty.
Well, that's because you've been staring at him for the last half an hour.
Why don't you carry on with your drawing? Let's see what you've done.
What are you drawing? You've been drawing him.
Yes.
In case the police need a description of him after the plane's blown up.
He's riding a zebra.
Yeah, because it's a bit boring just just having him standing there.
Why don't you draw him with another zebra, or .
.
A team of zebras.
Oh, God! This is getting on my tits! How much longer for God's sake? Shouldn't be long now, Frank.
I want to get back to my own house and sleep in my own bed.
Well, you might not be able to go straight back.
I'm not an invalid.
I know that I proved that with the arm-wrestling.
Well And the star-jumps.
I'm going for a slash.
Do you know where it is? Of course! I reckon this must be the worst half-term break we've ever had Well, maybe the trip to Longleat.
Oh, God, yes The monkey in the car all those injections you had to have.
God, she must have had her phone stolen or something.
I know, why don't we all play a game of Cheat? Yeah, come on! Now Karen remember that this game is called 'Cheat' because it's all about cheating.
You are allowed to cheat.
All about cheating.
Yes, I know it's all about cheating! Good.
But there are still rules.
Let's just play, shall we? It's this way, apparently.
You don't have to if you don't want to Two sixes.
Three sevens.
Three kings.
Cheat! without cheating? Oh, look.
We've been over this! It's Cheat, that's the name of the game.
Cheat! I've won.
I've won.
You've got to cheat when you play Cheat, or you'd just be putting cards down and telling the truth and that'd be called 'Truth'.
That sounds like a better game.
Can we play that instead? It's not real.
Oh, please, because you need rules Karen Like, don't run with scissors, otherwise there'd be But there'd be a whole hospital with people and and they've got scissors stuck in their face.
OK, game over, give me your cards.
Actually I think our plane's landed, so we ought to get ready.
Have you got the boarding passes? Ye-es! How many more times? Where are our seats? Well, we've got two groups of three a couple of rows apart.
Right so it should probably go, me, your dad and Jake and you sitting with the two little ones.
Yeah? Like it was on the way out.
Was that the formulation on the way out? Yeah, I think it was.
Yeah, I was more thinking, you and Ben and Karen, because that's fairer on dad, because, he likes things calm.
Yeah.
But he likes to talk about football, your Dad and Jake.
Or you, Dad and Ben.
Or me, your Dad and Karen.
Cut the crap, you're sitting next to Ben.
Why? Because I sat next to him on the way out.
I had him for an hour in a pedalo.
That's nothing! Five hundred yards off the coast! Ah dear This brings back memories.
Yeah? Yeah, when I was little and it snowed, me and my Dad would go out and piss in the snow together to make rude words Your dad ever done that with you? Erm Don't think so.
Nah Y'see? Parents just don't make the time to do that stuff with their kids nowadays.
It is your turn to sit next to Ben.
But End of story.
Course We could go, me, you, Jake and Karen, Ben, Grandad Or would that be unfair on your dad? Nah, I think that'd probably be OK.
Cos a lot of stuff washes over him.
Yeah that's true.
And 'The flight for Gatwick is now boarding' Hallelujah.
That is us.
Right, right, wagons roll, get ready, everyone.
We've got plenty of time.
Indeed, we have got plenty of time.
If we don't leave everything to the last minute, so Karen, Ben get your stuff together.
We might as well wait till this queue's died down.
They said, 'passengers with small children'.
But we don't have any small children.
Yes, we have, we've got you and Ben.
We're not small! I'm the second biggest in the class.
Yeah, but Maisie Warburton is much smaller than me! You'd call her small, but we're not small.
Karen And, anyway, can a small child do this? Eugh! Ben! No hitting.
Anyway, I'm not going to get on the plane until it's time for big children to get on.
It's all irrelevant anyway because we've got to wait for Jake and Grandad.
Yeah, but we can get ready.
So don't panic.
I'm not panicking, I'm just getting ready, cos it takes us so long to getoh.
I am so sorry! Dad attacked that lady.
I thought you said no hitting.
I didn't hit her, it was an I am so sorry I didn't see you You need to watch what you're doing, Dad.
That's how accidents happen.
Are you sure you're OK? At least em Let me replace your bottles.
No.
No! Just Stay away from me! All of you! Please! Right, here we are.
Absolutely last in the queue.
Hello! Happy now? Boarding passes, please.
Sue, she needs our boarding passes.
Yes, hold your horses.
Sue? Boarding passes Yes.
It's fine, relax.
Oh, God, you can't have lost them.
You haven't lost the It's fine.
It'll be fine.
I'm sorry to hurry you, but the pilot's anxious to get going.
It's OK, it's OK.
They're in here somewhere.
Does this mean I get to miss school? Don't worry, we're just having our usual last-minute panic.
Yes, that's not fantastically helpful, darling.
I asked you and you said 'Yes, I've got the boarding passes'.
Yes, because I did have them Excuse me, we only have a very narrow window, and there's a lot of chaos at Air Traffic Control Sue, they only have a very narrow window.
I know she's just said that.
I heard her.
I know, I did as well.
Sorry.
This happens a lot.
We need the boarding passes.
I'm looking Cos they're what Stop nagging me.
.
.
Helps you board the plane Look in the bag for them I'm not supposed to do this, but I'll print you a duplicate set, because the pilot says he is closing the door in 45 seconds.
Oh, you angel.
Thank you so much.
I'm so sorry about this.
She is so sorry about this.
Thanks.
You've got 30 seconds.
Come on everybody, chop-chop, let's go.
Go, quickly.
Come on.
Run, run, run! Sue? Sue?
We're not late are we? Don't worry, Dad.
We're not late, we're early.
That way we avoid our usual last minute panic, don't we? I'll get the trolley! OK, but remember they are not built for speed.
You could have crippled that poor woman at Gatwick.
Well, I did shout, "Look out, lady, I can't stop!" So, how early are we, Mummy? Well, let's ask Daddy, shall we? Exactly how early are we, Daddy? Well, we're a bit early.
But how early? Nice and early.
Daddy likes to allow plenty of time.
That's right, in case of bad traffic.
Bad traffic, on a small island, on a Sunday, in a Catholic country.
Look at those policemen.
They've got guns.
That is so cool.
There's nothing cool about guns.
They are horrible things.
They kill people.
That's why they're cool.
Young people make a lot of gun crime.
It's a tragedy in our inner city.
What? The man on the telly said that.
The one with the desk.
The one that speaks like that.
Fiona Bruce.
Kids, you stay with Grandad for a sec.
Won't be long.
Have you ever fired a gun, Grandad? Oh, yeah.
In Korea.
Have you ever seen anybody get shot? Oh, yeah.
What, in Korea? No, in a pub in Aldershot.
Is it safe to let your dad go back to his own house next week? He seems to have gone downhill a bit.
He gets more disorientated when his biorhythms are out of kilter.
But on the holiday, he was wandering off He wasn't that bad.
Sue, I found him on a dual carriageway.
Yeah, but that's because he's in a strange environment.
Our flight isn't even up there.
Twice I found him in someone else's room.
They all looked the same.
It's an easy mistake to make.
He had a bath in one.
Those people were very reasonable about it.
There it is! T549 Two hour delay.
Oh, noooo Yep.
With the three hours leeway you built in, that's five hours, in an airport, with kids.
That's five weeks in real-time.
Well They can do some colouring.
All right, well it looks like we've got a bit of a wait.
Mummy's just working out where we check the bags in and then, that leaves us free to explore.
Daddy, what's that man keep saying? He's just telling us not to leave our bags unattended.
Now then But, why does he keep saying it? Because the airport people, you see, they don't want people just to wander off and leave their bags, that's why he's saying it.
Why? Because there are some bad people who A very tiny, tiny, tiny number of, of bad people, who might want to .
.
Damage the planes.
Whatlike graffiti? No Bit worse than that.
Anyway, who wants an ice cream? Me.
But what's that got to do with bags? Cos that's where they hide bombs.
Bombs?! Do bad people have bombs?! We are talking about a fantastically tiny number of bad people.
The world is full of nice people.
Anyway it's nothing to worry Oh, look! Look at that policeman with the dog.
What kind of dog is that? Why does he bring his dog to work? To sniff out Companionship.
Wellguess what? Check-in isn't even open yet.
You all right, Karen? Yeah, she's on top form, aren't you, eh? Actually, I'm not on top form.
I'm thinking about all the bad people with the bombs.
Someone's got onto the topic of bombs.
It's these incessant announcements.
Darling, the thing to remember is, the naughty people who've got the bombs, well, they are a fantastically tiny, tiny number.
Isn't that right, Grandad? Yeah, yeah.
Mind you, it only takes one.
What do you mean it only takes one? He doesn't mean anything.
HE MOANS How much longer till we leave? But it was four hours a few minutes ago.
Yep, it was two, then four, and now it's six.
They're working their way through the two times table.
Well, it's quite complicated, because they believe that their religion tells them to do it, so that they can get into heaven.
Is this Muslims? No, not just It's not just Muslims, no.
What other religions have blown up planes? Well, erthe Well, it is mostly Muslims, yes, but it's just a tiny, tiny group of Muslims that do bad things, erbecause they think God is telling them to do it.
That's silly, why would God tell them to blow up planes? Well Exactly.
God could do it much easilier than they could.
He can do whatever he wants.
He's God.
Well, yes, yes Let's continue No, I won't! Anyway, I don't know the Spanish for, "Can my son have a go with your machine-gun?" And you won't find it in the phrasebook.
Oh, God! What's up? Jake's texting Jo and Jo isn't texting back.
Maybe there's a problem with her phone.
Or maybe Jo doesn't want a boyfriend who's ugly.
Shut it, you! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Stop! Erm What That man When that man keeps saying, "Please report suspicious behaviour.
" What is sus-sus-pa, suspicious behaviour? Well, it's when someone's acting oddly, orthey look very nervous or they, I don't knowsweating a lot.
Of if they're carrying a bomb.
Yep, thatthat would qualify as suspicious behaviour.
OK.
Oh, no, because That man's sweating.
But he's hot.
He's just hot.
I saw a lady buy a chocolate bar and then not eat it.
And I saw a man, that was holding his hands behind his back for a very long time, and I saw a lady, she was looking at a sign with very small eyes.
Ah And I think those things are suspicious.
Just go and see if our flight's up there.
Go on.
It really hacks me off, you know.
We're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
We're just friends.
Well, that's terrific.
Because that means that you're not making the mistake that I made.
Because I over-invested in one friend who happened to be a girl.
It's rather silly, really.
I used to give her all my Refreshers.
They were like a little packet of sweets that had letters on them and I used to secretly rearrange the order of the letters, so that they spelt out, "I Love You.
" Mind you, I had to buy a lot of packets to get the right letters.
How old were you? Sixt Six.
That man's still sweating.
AAA Aeroplane? Not that I see any.
Nope, it's not aeroplane.
Alsatian? No.
Not Alsatian.
AK-47? No.
Ah HE MUMBLES All right, I give up! It's air.
Air?! You can't see air! You can! Ermwhat about all that fog and mist, that we had on holiday, that was air.
Yeahsadly.
And when it's a very hot day, you can see the sun coming in and all those dotty bits of air.
That's dust.
Yes, but what makes it float? Air does.
All right.
Something beginning with T.
Who's this? Oh, Jo, I love you, Jo Shut up, you little Boys Hey, don't push me! Ow Boys! Sorry.
I am so sorry! Don't worry.
We didn't mean it.
Thank you.
Yeah well, this is precisely how accidents happen.
I'm so sorry.
It's fine, honestly.
Boys will be boys.
I'm sure we've met before.
Were you at the hotel? No.
We met on the way out.
At Gatwick.
I didn't have the stick then.
Ahhthe ramp lady.
I am so Please, it's fine.
Let us get you another coffee.
I'm all right.
No, no.
Jake.
Jake.
Go and get this lady another coffee, by way of apology.
Careful.
All right.
I give up.
It's time.
Karen, you can't see time.
You can! Cos otherwise, why would people say, "Have you seen the time?" Yes, but that's a manner of speaking.
You can't actually see the time Yeah, but why would they say it because because if a person looked and they saw the time, they'd say, "Yes, I did, I have seen the time.
" Yes, but I can't see your I spy of time, can I? You can't see time.
You can feel time passing, especially playing this game.
Did you get that lady her coffee? Yeah, and I got one for me.
You got yourself a coffee? Yeah, a double espresso.
A double esp? You're the one telling me to try new things.
But I meant, you know, vegetables and stuff, not stimulants, you've never had caffeine before.
Don't get in a state.
I only drank half.
Oh.
Oh, OK.
Ben drank the other half.
You let Ben drink a double espresso.
It tasted horrible to begin with.
But then I added five spoonfuls of sugar and now I feel All zingy, zangy, zongy! Zingy, zangy, zongy? I feel like lightning.
Hey! As we had a bit of time to kill, to put it mildly, erm I did a rough calculation, and this is our debt at the end of the year.
Bloody hell.
That's assuming I get the job I'm going for next week.
And that's the figure, if I don't.
Bloody hell! I mean, it's my fault.
I should have stayed on top of things, I should never have booked this holiday.
That was ridiculous.
It'sit's my fault.
Clearly it's my fault.
Oh well, thanks for trying to make me feel better! Pete, can you say something?! Bloody hell.
Apart from bloody hell? Jesus.
This is without additional things, isn't it? Like, if we have to have the roof done, or if we have to find somewhere for your dad to To what? Well, y'know if he Yeah, but he's going home soon, isn't he? Once the fire damage is fixed.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Bloody hell.
BOYS SCREAM Leave it! Stop playing with the trolleys! Marmalade? No.
Millionaire? Nope.
Mop? Nope.
OK, I give up.
What is it? Muslim! Karen! Shh! Keep your voice down.
But he is a Muslim.
I know, but you can't just And it begins with M.
You can't just point at people and shout out their religions.
It's not nice.
Well, he must know that he's a Muslim.
Look itit's quite complicated, because it's not easy being a Muslim at the moment, and imagine if you saw a Jewish person, you wouldn't point at them and shout out, "Oh, look there's a "Jewish person!", because it wouldn't be right, would it? It wouldn't be right, because Jewish person doesn't begin with an M.
Don't you know how to play this game? Muslim! That's brilliant! I never would have got that! 'Flight T549 is now boarding at gate nine.
' OK, Karen, you see, what you have to understand, is that the world is full of good people.
Well, all right, then.
Out of ten people, how many people would be good? Nine.
And sometimes ten, because it depends on how many which ten you choose in the first placeOK, it's probably not best to get bogged down in the numbers.
Basically, most people in the world are good, but there are some people, a tiny number, who believe that everyone in the whole world should believe what they believe.
And they've decided that anyone who doesn't have the same ideas or beliefsis an enemy.
And they are allowed .
.
to kill them.
So, they're like fantastically bossy people.
That's it, exactly, fantastically bossy people.
Who like explosives.
MmmAl-Qaeda in a nutshell.
Fantastically bossy people who like explosives.
Ready? You're out again! We won't be long, Dad.
Boys! Can you come here now, because it'll be our turn in a second.
I've spent my life standing in line, while some other bugger pushes in.
Waargh! What's that dreadful noise? Oh, it's muzak.
What? Muzak.
Mu-zak? Muzak.
No, no, no, Sue, it's pronounced mu-sic.
No, Dad, it's It doesn't matter.
Look, we'll be moving soon.
Well, if there are so many good people and so less bad people why don't the good people just kill the bad people? Yesbutifif the good people just killed all the bad people, then they wouldn't be good any more, would they? Well, that is a point but they could put all the bad people in a big pit, and make them kill each other.
Have you been reading the Daily Mail again? Can I hold the trolley? As long as you're careful and don't play with it.
There's no such word as muzak.
No Dad, it'sit doesn't matter.
Ow! Oh, my God! What have you done? I am so sorry! Are you OK? Yes.
What did I tell you, Ben? I'm really sorry, is your ha Don't worry, I'm fine.
Oh golly! I'm so sorry.
He's How we gonna stop the person from being bad? You can't teach them, you can't play with them, because they'll just be bad at playing.
You have to kill them! You could lock them up.
No, you couldn't lock them up! Cos they'll break out, but they're so bad, they'll break out, they'll do breaking out thingies You can't have the good people killing the bad people, because that'sthat's that's just as bad.
Wellyou could put all the bad people in a black room, strap knives to their chests, and make them walk around.
They bump into each other, they'll be, the knife will be going into the other person's chest and they'll die.
You seeyou'd have toyou can't let bad people stab bad people, because as a good person you'd feel morally obliged to stop that sort of .
.
Slaughter.
Hmmwell, you could take all the bad people and say, "You're going to fly off the edge of the cliff because you can fly.
" Then they'll be like, "All right".
But then you're lying to the bad people then, aren't you? Well Yes, but They'll be dead.
Next, please.
So, Ben, that's the game, OK.
The one who can mention the most explosives is the winner.
Yeah.
Did you pack the bags yourselves? No.
Then, who did? Search me.
I did.
Have you got any of the items on this chart? None except the Semtex.
Oh, the Semtex joke, first one today.
Sorry.
How many bags? Er, four.
Do you know how long it's likely to be? I just want to know if I should feed them or not.
Personally, I won't be requiring any food, Mother.
Though my friend "Dinah, might".
Sorry, they're a bit Dynamite.
They had a double espresso.
You give your kids double espressos? Oh, no, no, we don't give, give them, they bought them.
Before we realised.
If we'd known, then we wouldn't have We'd havestopped them Doing it.
Here are your boarding passes.
Be careful with that bag.
That's the one with the hand grenades in.
OK, for your information, saying that is a criminal offence.
He's a kid! What's an offence? What's happening? In America he'd get five years for that.
He's mucking about.
Airport security isn't an environment for "mucking about".
If he does it again he could end up having to face the music! Next, please.
There.
See, Sue.
Mu-sic.
Ic! Give the gentleman your passport.
No wisecracks.
I don't want Give the man your passport.
Come on, come on.
Thank you.
Off you go.
Afternoon.
Is there a problem? Dad's a terrorist! Shhh! Ha-ha.
That's, erthat's my son.
He's had a double espresso.
Are they going to put Daddy in jail? No, they're not! What's keeping Pete so long? Formalities, Dad.
Just formalities.
No.
Thank you.
And er You have a nice day, yourself.
Pete! It's nice to see the spirit of General Franco lives on.
Pete! What bad manners.
Don't get involved! They outrank you.
(And they've got guns!) A smile costs nothing, you know.
Walk away! ALARM BEEPS Everybody's looking at us, Mummy.
Yes, I know, darling.
Whose bag is this, please? God, that's Ben's bag, isn't it? This is your bag.
It's my son's bag, yes.
Is this about the knife? We have had enough of that little joke, Ben.
Thank you very much.
Yes, it is about the knife.
Did you know he had the knife? No, I didn't know he had the knife.
Or the fish-skeleton.
Or the doll's head with the little hermit crab in it.
I mean, it was obviously just stuff he'd picked up off the beach.
There was no need for them to stand there waving their arms about.
Anyway, it was only a butter knife.
He's hardly gonna spread the pilot to death.
Can we talk about something else? At least Jake seems to have hit the wall at last.
Ben seems the same, though.
Nearly half-way through the trenches.
.
I don't think caffeine makes any difference to the way he behaves.
Lives his whole life in a naturally caffeinated state.
Take that! Sspprrtt! Mummy.
That man's acting suspiciously again.
I don't think he is, darling.
He looks all funny and nervous, and sweaty.
Well, that's because you've been staring at him for the last half an hour.
Why don't you carry on with your drawing? Let's see what you've done.
What are you drawing? You've been drawing him.
Yes.
In case the police need a description of him after the plane's blown up.
He's riding a zebra.
Yeah, because it's a bit boring just just having him standing there.
Why don't you draw him with another zebra, or .
.
A team of zebras.
Oh, God! This is getting on my tits! How much longer for God's sake? Shouldn't be long now, Frank.
I want to get back to my own house and sleep in my own bed.
Well, you might not be able to go straight back.
I'm not an invalid.
I know that I proved that with the arm-wrestling.
Well And the star-jumps.
I'm going for a slash.
Do you know where it is? Of course! I reckon this must be the worst half-term break we've ever had Well, maybe the trip to Longleat.
Oh, God, yes The monkey in the car all those injections you had to have.
God, she must have had her phone stolen or something.
I know, why don't we all play a game of Cheat? Yeah, come on! Now Karen remember that this game is called 'Cheat' because it's all about cheating.
You are allowed to cheat.
All about cheating.
Yes, I know it's all about cheating! Good.
But there are still rules.
Let's just play, shall we? It's this way, apparently.
You don't have to if you don't want to Two sixes.
Three sevens.
Three kings.
Cheat! without cheating? Oh, look.
We've been over this! It's Cheat, that's the name of the game.
Cheat! I've won.
I've won.
You've got to cheat when you play Cheat, or you'd just be putting cards down and telling the truth and that'd be called 'Truth'.
That sounds like a better game.
Can we play that instead? It's not real.
Oh, please, because you need rules Karen Like, don't run with scissors, otherwise there'd be But there'd be a whole hospital with people and and they've got scissors stuck in their face.
OK, game over, give me your cards.
Actually I think our plane's landed, so we ought to get ready.
Have you got the boarding passes? Ye-es! How many more times? Where are our seats? Well, we've got two groups of three a couple of rows apart.
Right so it should probably go, me, your dad and Jake and you sitting with the two little ones.
Yeah? Like it was on the way out.
Was that the formulation on the way out? Yeah, I think it was.
Yeah, I was more thinking, you and Ben and Karen, because that's fairer on dad, because, he likes things calm.
Yeah.
But he likes to talk about football, your Dad and Jake.
Or you, Dad and Ben.
Or me, your Dad and Karen.
Cut the crap, you're sitting next to Ben.
Why? Because I sat next to him on the way out.
I had him for an hour in a pedalo.
That's nothing! Five hundred yards off the coast! Ah dear This brings back memories.
Yeah? Yeah, when I was little and it snowed, me and my Dad would go out and piss in the snow together to make rude words Your dad ever done that with you? Erm Don't think so.
Nah Y'see? Parents just don't make the time to do that stuff with their kids nowadays.
It is your turn to sit next to Ben.
But End of story.
Course We could go, me, you, Jake and Karen, Ben, Grandad Or would that be unfair on your dad? Nah, I think that'd probably be OK.
Cos a lot of stuff washes over him.
Yeah that's true.
And 'The flight for Gatwick is now boarding' Hallelujah.
That is us.
Right, right, wagons roll, get ready, everyone.
We've got plenty of time.
Indeed, we have got plenty of time.
If we don't leave everything to the last minute, so Karen, Ben get your stuff together.
We might as well wait till this queue's died down.
They said, 'passengers with small children'.
But we don't have any small children.
Yes, we have, we've got you and Ben.
We're not small! I'm the second biggest in the class.
Yeah, but Maisie Warburton is much smaller than me! You'd call her small, but we're not small.
Karen And, anyway, can a small child do this? Eugh! Ben! No hitting.
Anyway, I'm not going to get on the plane until it's time for big children to get on.
It's all irrelevant anyway because we've got to wait for Jake and Grandad.
Yeah, but we can get ready.
So don't panic.
I'm not panicking, I'm just getting ready, cos it takes us so long to getoh.
I am so sorry! Dad attacked that lady.
I thought you said no hitting.
I didn't hit her, it was an I am so sorry I didn't see you You need to watch what you're doing, Dad.
That's how accidents happen.
Are you sure you're OK? At least em Let me replace your bottles.
No.
No! Just Stay away from me! All of you! Please! Right, here we are.
Absolutely last in the queue.
Hello! Happy now? Boarding passes, please.
Sue, she needs our boarding passes.
Yes, hold your horses.
Sue? Boarding passes Yes.
It's fine, relax.
Oh, God, you can't have lost them.
You haven't lost the It's fine.
It'll be fine.
I'm sorry to hurry you, but the pilot's anxious to get going.
It's OK, it's OK.
They're in here somewhere.
Does this mean I get to miss school? Don't worry, we're just having our usual last-minute panic.
Yes, that's not fantastically helpful, darling.
I asked you and you said 'Yes, I've got the boarding passes'.
Yes, because I did have them Excuse me, we only have a very narrow window, and there's a lot of chaos at Air Traffic Control Sue, they only have a very narrow window.
I know she's just said that.
I heard her.
I know, I did as well.
Sorry.
This happens a lot.
We need the boarding passes.
I'm looking Cos they're what Stop nagging me.
.
.
Helps you board the plane Look in the bag for them I'm not supposed to do this, but I'll print you a duplicate set, because the pilot says he is closing the door in 45 seconds.
Oh, you angel.
Thank you so much.
I'm so sorry about this.
She is so sorry about this.
Thanks.
You've got 30 seconds.
Come on everybody, chop-chop, let's go.
Go, quickly.
Come on.
Run, run, run! Sue? Sue?