Package Deal (2013) s02e04 Episode Script

You know, Ryan, I really wish you wouldn't bring your own ketchup.
It's weird.
We've been through this.
These things sit around for months, being manhandled by drunks, topped off by incompetent wait staff Hey, how are ya? That's ridiculous, Ryan.
You could say the same thing about the cutlery.
And I do.
More importantly, the packets just taste better.
Oh, come on, Ryan! That's like saying you can tell the difference between box wine and bottled wine.
Look, some of us have a refined palate.
Please, you only ever get the burger here.
Yeah, because my palate knows what to order.
For instance, not the linguine and clams.
What's wrong with linguine and clams? At a bar? That's like going to McDonald's and ordering the linguine and clams.
Besides, didn't they make you violently ill last time? [Laughs.]
That was hilarious.
Yeah, well, if it wasn't for the linguine and clams, Kim and I never would have met.
Aw, I love this story.
Ooh, a story about how you two first met? I didn't know how to ask.
Tell it, tell it.
You know what? I'll tell it.
So Danny walks into the tea shop Well, no, it started before that.
I was here with the guys, and Hoo I don't feel so good.
I think I need some fresh air.
You know, you do look a little "clammy.
" Hey, were you sick? No, close call, though.
What happened to my clams? Yeah, we took those away.
What? They were $10.
95! Anyway, where were we? So Danny walks into the tea shop And you met and fell in love, the end.
Wow, what a nail biter.
My palate is twice as good as your palate.
No.
You burned your taste buds off when you were a kid.
Yes, because you thought it'd be funny to microwave my retainer.
Look, Nikki, you're impartial.
Who has more taste buds? Aaaahh Aaaahh Okay, let's hear this story.
All right It started out on a day just like any other Actually no, we were here, and they were setting up for Hawaiian night, but that's not important.
Hoo I don't feel so good.
Something you ate? No, can't be that.
I had the linguine and clams.
It's the chef's specialty.
Have you seen the chef here? 'Cause I'm pretty sure his specialty is sweating.
I think I'd better head home.
Oh, good idea, buddy.
You do look a little "clammy.
" [Laughs.]
Remind me to use that again.
[Phone bleeps with text message.]
Oh I got a text from Alison.
Aw She has to work late again.
Ryan has it ever crossed your mind that your wife might be getting her meat from another butcher? Well, I do the shopping.
And cooking, so Ryan, I think your wife is having an affair! You did see her with another man.
No, that was Richard.
His grandmother just died.
He needed some companionship.
What about the other time? His dog had just died.
You know, I hear his cat's not doing well either.
Poor guy.
Can't catch a break.
Could I use your restroom? Sorry.
Paying customers only.
Oh, I'll buy something.
Anything.
I don't care how much it costs.
[Giggles.]
Thanks for the dance! Funny Any time but now! Whoa, whoa, whoa Who's this other chick working there? Melissa.
It was before you.
Was this Melissa chick better at her job than me? - Yes.
- Did she make more than me? Yes.
Did she have a bigger rack than me? No.
I thought as much.
That guy over there looks familiar.
He went into the bathroom 20 minutes ago.
Oh, yeah.
Hey! Thought you said you were going to buy something.
Right! Yeah, I almost forgot.
Mm-hmm.
I'll have whatever you recommend.
How about something with mint? Keep it.
And my bathroom key? Oh! Yeah, I really did almost forget that.
That's not my key.
You weren't my first stop.
I met the girl of my dreams that day.
Aw [Others groan.]
Gross.
Plenty of married women have male best friends.
Yeah, but usually, they're gay.
You think Richard's gay? Oh, that makes me feel so much better! I was starting to worry for a second.
Guys I just met the most incredible girl.
Did you use protection? No.
I didn't even get her name.
That counts as protection.
Ah, young love.
I hope you and this woman find a fraction of the happiness Alison and I might one day have.
"One day?" You're married.
Well, they say the first 10 or 15 years are the hardest.
Now, where'd you meet this woman? She works at this tea shop near the Recess.
She is just my type.
So you asked her out? God, no, no.
She's way out of my league.
No, no, no.
Hold on, stop.
You gotta let this babe know that you're way out of her league, okay? You need to go down there, drop your wallet hundred-dollar bill, MAGNUM condom, Costco card boom, you're in.
I can't pull that off.
You gotta make a move, Danny.
Otherwise, you'll run the risk of just being the gay best friend, like Richard.
You're right.
I'm going down there.
Well Guess you'll be needing a wingman.
Who's it gonna be, me or Ry Ryan.
Danny, I can't believe you picked Ryan to be your wingman.
Really? Your idea of picking up a woman is wearing a t-shirt that reads "amateur gynecologist.
" Gets me every time.
No offense, Sheldon, but you can be a little embarrassing.
Embarrassing? This idiot brings his own ketchup packages to the bar! [Ryan.]
: All right, that's it.
Blind taste test, right here, right now.
I bet you I can tell the difference.
You're on.
What are the stakes? All right, what about this? Uh Loser has to kiss Kim.
Uh, no way.
I am not being the prize in your idiotic bet.
Well, you're not the prize.
You're the punishment.
[Gasps.]
Forget it! What's the matter, Kim? Afraid maybe you're not a good kisser? Whoa, she is a fantastic kisser! Then it's settled.
Fine.
Wait, what did I just agree to? That's her, over by the tables.
Mm-hmm.
What is that? It's a mirror.
It's make-up.
No wonder your complexion always looks so even.
Well, I don't use it! Much.
I swiped it from Alison to spy on her and Richard.
Turns out his cat's just fine! [Laughs bitterly.]
Wow, she's gorgeous.
Mm-hmm.
She really is just your type.
It's like you two were meant to be.
Uhh, that's not what happened.
Yes, it is, Ryan.
You're forgetting the funny, ironic part.
The funny, ironic part is the best part.
Really, the irony's the best part? There's no sex scene? Excuse me what's the funny, ironic part? Wow, she's gorgeous.
Mm-hmm.
She really is just your type.
It's like you two were meant to be.
You were there to ask out Melissa? She seemed nice.
She was a skank! Uh, take that back.
Melissa was a dream.
You never even met her.
But yes, Melissa was a delight.
I can't believe you hid that part of the story from me.
I didn't think it was important.
What's important is that our love triumphed over everything.
Even over you wanting to bone another chick.
I don't get it.
If wonderful, amazing Melissa was the girl of your dreams, why did you even ask me out? That's the same question I ask myself every day.
It wasn't like that.
You weren't my second choice.
There's nothing wrong with a second choice.
That's why I love threesomes.
Can you guys stay out of it and just do your weird ketchup thing, please? Okay, I'm gonna do it.
Oh What exactly are you going to say? How about "Hi, remember me? I'm the guy from the bathroom.
Are you free tonight?" Perfect.
Go get her, champ.
I can't do it.
What's the worst that can happen, huh? She says no, and you fall into a tailspin of self-doubt and depression that never lifts? Welcome to my world.
I haven't asked anyone out in a long time.
What if I say the wrong thing? How 'bout this? Write her a note.
That way, you can figure out exactly what you want to say and you don't have to face her when she rejects you.
You think she's going to reject me? No.
I'm leaving.
Sit down.
All right, now What's her name? No idea.
No problem.
"To the woman of my brother's dreams" Don't say that.
You're supposed to be me, remember.
Sorry.
Stupid "To the woman of Danny's dreams" "My dreams!" Okay Blah, blah, blah couple compliments your phone number and then, next to your name, a sketch of a puppy with sad eyes.
Subconsciously, saying no to you will be like saying no to this puppy.
It's brilliant.
I still have that note.
[Danny.]
: Look, yes, it is true I asked Kim out kind of by accident, but You wanna know what else is true? I didn't want to go out with you either.
What? Hey, get this! Vomit guy just asked me out with a note saying, "you're my cup of tea.
" [Giggles.]
Does he know you work in a tea shop? I think maybe he does.
Hey, hold on, I have an idea.
Isn't Jesse going to that luau thing at the Recess tonight? My ex? I don't know and I don't care.
Why, is he? Yeah, I think you should text this guy and ask him to come meet you there.
Why, so Jesse can see me with another guy? That's pathetic.
Hey, what are you doing? Oh, I'm still doing it.
[Danny.]
: You only went out with me so you could make some other guy jealous? Makes sense.
How dare you, Kim? That date meant a lot to him.
You mean the date that was supposed to be with Melissa? Hello? You're the one who was using me.
Okay, I was innocently going on a date with someone else I was mildly interested in.
Ha-ha! Mildly interested? Danny was a mess! Packets.
Dammit! [Danny.]
: This is stupid.
Just come downstairs! Now, that's what I call a shirt! I'm not wearing this.
But it's luau night.
And if you don't dress up, she's going to think you're a tight-ass stick in the mud.
You know what? I think I'm gonna cancel.
No, look, you can't cancel.
Now, you said this was the girl of your dreams.
Exactly! It's way too much pressure.
I'm putting my comfies back on.
No! No comfies! Now, you're wearing that shirt, you're going on that date! Fine.
But are you sure about this? I mean, the last thing I want to do is show up on a first date looking like an idiot.
Hey! This guy actually dressed up! [Laughter.]
Bottled.
Dammit! So what happened? Did Jesse beat Danny up? Was it hot? Hi! Oh Hi.
It's you Who were you expecting? You! Obviously.
[Laughs.]
Nice shirt.
Oh, well, you know what they say When in fake Hawaii, do as nobody else has bothered to do.
Did that guy just wave at you? Hmm? What guy? No, I don't know anyone here.
Hey, do you wanna switch seats? - Why? - Oh, it'll be fun.
Oh That's much better.
[Bursts into high-pitched laughter.]
He's funny, you guys.
He's really funny.
Yeah, just to be clear you're not waiting for anyone? Like who? People? I don't know people.
No, no, no, I'm just saying You and I are on a date.
Is that a question? No.
Obviously, we're on a date.
Duh.
First date, Gosh! Hoo! What can I tell you? Well, for starters, I'm a lawyer.
Challenging, but very rewarding That's really great.
Listen, I'm going to go to the bar and get us some drinks What do you want, a Mai Tai? What? No, no, let me.
I mean, I did ask you out presumably.
Oh, please, let me.
No, no, I insist.
- Really, I want to.
- Yeah.
Excuse me? Two Mai Tais.
Fine.
You buy the drinks.
Is something wrong? No, no, no, everything's fine.
Hey, look at that! It's chair switching time! Let's go! Okay See, this is fun! You know, I feel like maybe this date isn't going so well.
[Giggles.]
Wow.
Okay, here's a really silly question.
Um You're not insane, are you? [Laughs loudly.]
No! No.
Um, but I do just casually have to leave right now.
- Uh - Bye! Wait, no, no Was it the kiss? I was eating hummus earlier! Don't even try it.
Guys, please! I cannot believe you left our date to chase after your ex-boyfriend! That part's not important.
What's important is that our love triumphed over everything.
I think I might be nauseous again.
If I wasn't wearing a blindfold, I'd say you look a little "clammy.
" [Laughs.]
Bottled and packets with a dash of mayonnaise.
Nice try! Dammit, he's like the condiment whisperer.
Well, you're kissing Kim.
No No, Ryan.
Anything but that.
I will lick a bathroom floor.
I will suck French onion soup out of a homeless guy's beard.
I will give you a kidney.
This is ridiculous.
Plenty of people would want to kiss me, right? Oh, sure, yeah, go ahead.
Kiss some random guy.
Wouldn't be the first time.
Well, you're the one who was dating me by accident.
[Laughs.]
Man I can't believe how good this story turned out! Though I still wonder what happened to Melissa.
Oh, I did everything I could to keep her in the picture.
You know, this broad sounds loopy, Danny.
You're lucky you didn't end up with her.
I don't know.
Yeah, she was kinda nuts, but there was something about her.
Can we get back to what's important here? There's absolutely no reason for me to be worried about Allison going on a work trip with Richard, right? Why are they going on a work trip if they don't work together? Well, th I'll ask.
So what's next for you, Danny? You gonna head back down to the tea shop and take a run at the other chick? I can't do that.
I just went on a date with her friend.
So? She's nuts! For all she knows, she was playing musical chairs with a Hawaiian dragon.
Go for it, Danny! Take a chance on love.
Like I did with Allison.
Ryan, you make a very bad point but I'm still gonna do it.
Oh! Well, I guess you'll be needing a new wingman.
No.
No wingmen.
Aw, come on, Danny! Hell, I'll even take a bullet for ya and make out with the crazy one, huh? I hope she's a good kisser.
Yeah, like I'd ever make out with Sheldon.
[Sheldon.]
: Okay, Kim, let's do this.
No.
No way.
Ketchup contest rules dictate, "no barricades allowed.
" That means lip to lip.
Come on! Lip to lip.
So what happened next? Your plan to get Jesse back was about to pay off What? No.
That plan was not gonna pay off.
So you settled for Danny, and you're waiting for something better to come along.
That's a sweet story.
Hi.
Let me try this again.
Um I'm Danny.
Who? The vomit guy.
Oh, yeah! Right, uh, listen, there was a small mix-up the other day, and, well, there's something that I would like to ask you.
[Giggles.]
Yes? [Record scratch.]
Oh, um Could you grab me an Earl Grey? Hey I'm surprised to see you after last night.
Ah, don't worry about it.
I have had worse dates.
- Really? - No, not even close.
Actually, I'm really glad you're here I kinda wanted to apologize for everything.
I was acting crazy.
No, you weren't.
Well, maybe a lot.
Listen can we pretend that never happened and try it again? You mean a second date? More of a do-over? I'd like that.
[Laughs warmly.]
So, tell me about yourself! Do you have any family? Two brothers, actually.
That's nice! Are you guys close? Not really.
You knew Melissa was gonna say no, so you took what you could get.
No! I wanted Kim.
To be fair, there's a good chance Melissa would have said no.
That's not the point.
Look the second I saw Kim, I knew I would rather have another horrible date with her than a great date with anyone else.
Aw So did I.
[All together.]
: Ew! You know what? Scratch it.
You don't have to kiss her.
Yeah, I could never go in there after my own brother.
That's disgusting.
You know, why don't I just buy you a beer instead? Yes! A beer.
Why didn't we just bet that to begin with? Uh, waitress, a beer, please.
And I brought my own mug.
Oh, no, no that's clean.
Saw your "help wanted" sign.
Can I get an application form and a Vodka Red Bull? Um this isn't a bar.
So if I worked here, I wouldn't get free drinks? You'd get a 15% discount on tea.
What about the benefits? Do I have to use a registered massage therapist, or can I use my guy? He knows how I like it.
This is a retail job.
There are no benefits.
I don't know what kind of employees you're trying to attract, but good luck.
Yes? My Vodka Red Bull? This isn't a bar! Fine.
Last time I'm walking into this place.
Like I'd hire you.