Pete Versus Life (2010) s02e04 Episode Script

Welcome, and you join us at Pete's local cafe, where he's got his eye on a rather attractive young lady who's reading Martin Heidegger's Being and Time.
You much of a philosophy man, Terry? Oh, very much so.
Last one I read was The World According To Clarkson.
It really makes you stop and think.
I mean, why are there so many cones on the motorway? Indeed, and I'd like to see Martin Heidegger test drive a Ferrari F40.
Aye! Thanks, mate.
Hi, Vanny.
Oh, Lord! Look, Jake's back from the Antarctic.
Jake! Ha-ha-ha.
All right, mate, you OK, yeah? Tell them your news! They won't want to know that.
Nah.
They do, tell them! Well, I discovered two identical snowflakes.
It's going to revolutionise chaos.
No, not that.
Judge My Face has said that Jake is an 8.
9.
You sent your own picture into Judge My Face? That's a bit vain, innit? The ice station girls sent it.
I didn't know there was girls at the ice station.
Oh, yeah, it's all women.
Apart from the pilot, and we didn't see him for six months.
What, so it's just you, in a biosphere in the South Pole with a load of girls? Yeah.
The irony is, in the Antarctic winter, the ice station's so overheated, everyone just walks round in their underwear.
Oh, so did you ever, er? What happens in the South Pole stays there.
Ohhh! Look, all of this is off the point.
It's the only interesting thing he's said in five years.
The point is, Jake is an 8.
9.
Well, he's not the only one with good news.
I have won a competition in a sports magazine.
Ooh! Yeah? Two free tickets to see Mamma Mia.
I love Mamma Mia! I've seen it 12 times, haven't I, Rob? Yeah.
Yeah.
Rob's never seen it.
It always clashes with work or something.
And I've had flu the last three times.
Now you can both go and see it! Actually, ahem I'm feeling a bit flu-ey at the moment.
But I can still come, Pete.
It would be a scream.
I'd bring my lyric sheets and we can dress up.
(COLIN) He couldn't keep his mouth shut, could he? When is it? Tomorrow night.
Oh, no.
I can't go.
Oh, shit, what a bugger.
So, what sort of sports magazine has Mamma Mia tickets as a prize? Women's Fitness.
What were you doing with that? My broadband's down at the moment.
So (COLIN) Pete always needs to clear his head after seeing Jake.
And he's seen a charity shop.
It's closed, but he's displaying the confidence of a man well used to rifling through a bin bag in public.
(TERRY) That's a beauty.
Like something a young Patrick Mower wore before he joined Emmerdale.
That jacket seems to have cheered him up no end.
I think he fancies himself a bit there, Colin.
What's this? He's not nicking it, is he, Terry? Nah, he'll come back tomorrow morning and give them the money.
Very honourable.
He just did look like he was nicking it.
Wow, you look great.
That is quite a jacket.
It's the icing.
This is the cake.
You look like a dreamboat.
Where's my camera? No, no way, you're not taking a photograph.
'Oh, this is the boost his ego needed.
' You've got such a good energy.
Now say, "cheese".
No, I'm not going to say things like cheese.
Just bought this coat today and I'm just trying to see if I I don't like having my photograph taken.
God, this is really embarrassing.
I'm just here doing my thing, kinda getting ready (COLIN) Well, what started as a bit of fun turned into a two-hour photo shoot, but what's this? (TERRY) He's sending it to Judge My Face.
That has got volte face written all over it! Now he just has to make good on his promise to that charity shop.
He's been thinking about that.
First he thought he'd give them 20 quid.
Then he thought he's saving them the problem of cleaning and hanging it, so he'd give them a tenner.
This quickly went down to eight and it's currently standing at a fiver.
How kind of you.
Just trying to help.
Thank you.
Lovely jacket.
Thank you.
(COLIN) A pound, oh, dear.
If Richard Curtis was dead, he'd be spinning in his grave.
Oh, and it looks like Pete's got a reply from Judge My Face, and amazingly, they rate his looks at 9.
3.
He's got to be pleased with that, Terry.
A remarkable performance, and with curly hair too.
If he'd have got the straighteners out, he might have got that up to a 9.
5.
Indeed.
When you were playing, did you and your team-mates have a way of working out who was the best looking? Basically, how many of Pan's People you'd slept with.
A Miss World or Susan George, that counted for two.
Huh, wonderful times.
9.
3, ha-ha-ha.
Espresso? (COLIN) Well, emboldened by his 9.
3 and having a nice jacket, I think he's going to nick that coffee.
Yep, here he goes.
Very nice.
See how he looks in a different direction as he nicks it.
That's instinctive, Colin, you can't teach that.
I like your jacket.
Thanks very much.
Drew Fuller wore one like that in La Nuit Americaine.
Yeah, yeah, he did.
That's a film, isn't it? Very much so.
And an espresso drinker, like me.
Yeah, I just drink it for the hit, really.
For me, coffee's just a source of caffeine.
Everything else milk, froth, cinnamon sprinkles, it's all bullshit.
Hell, that's good.
That's really nice.
Speaking of film directors, have you ever noticed there's a load of British directors called Michael? You've got Michael Powell, Michael Winner, Michael Caton-Jones, Michael Apted, Michael Radford, Michael Leigh, Michael Winterbottom, Michael (COLIN) Well, that was a bit of a mad one.
(TERRY) Aye, he's put himself on the spectrum there.
It's leather, it's like butter.
(TERRY) He's got away with it.
Thank goodness for the jacket.
Thank goodness for the jacket.
And helping out Age UK.
Yeah.
Well, I couldn't walk past that jacket without saying something.
Thanks very much.
Do you fancy going out some time? Yeah, I'd love to.
What, really? Yeah.
Great! I just thought, do you like theatre? Yeah, I love it.
Do you like musical theatre? Erm sort of.
Brilliant, OK, cos I've just an amazing idea.
Meet me tonight OK.
At seven outside the Trocadero.
OK.
Till then.
I'm Helene, by the way.
Pete.
Oh, she's lovely, isn't she, Terry? Yes, a primary school teacher, but studying for a PhD in ethical existentialism.
Who'd have thought a girl like that'd go for Pete? Don't forget, Pete's a lot more handsome than we thought.
In fact, his score of 9.
3 is actually 0.
2 more handsome than Robert Pattinson.
And 0.
3 more handsome than Rav Wilding from Crimewatch.
In fact, the only Hollywood A-lister or crime show presenter more handsome than Pete is Brad Pitt, and I think he's had work done.
That makes Pete's achievement doubly impressive, as he rarely even goes to the dentist.
Oh, my god! What, what, what? Sorry.
That was my husband's.
I just paid for it, just there! No, no, the jacket.
It was my late husband's.
I gave it to the Age UK shop.
Oh.
You look so like him.
How did he die, if you don't mind me asking? Was it contagious? No, no.
Oh, good.
He was captured by Somali pirates.
Negotiations broke down and after 18 months he was beheaded.
Sorry to hear that.
Still, I suppose it's some consolation, it's nothing catching.
Anyway, it's good to see it went to a handsome young man like yourself.
Oh, thank you.
You know, you really do look a lot like him.
Brian would have been so pleased the jacket went to you.
Who's Brian? Oh.
I'm sorry.
He wouldn't have minded.
He had a great sense of humour.
He'd have needed it.
Well, nice to have met you.
Yeah, yeah.
(COLIN) Judging by that outfit, she's off to Glastonbury.
(TERRY) Well, you can't let Somali pirates win.
Oh, hiya, Pete.
You haven't seen my coffee, have you? I ordered it before I went to the loo.
No.
That's mine.
I didn't know you liked espresso.
Yeah.
I love it.
It gives me that kick at the start of the day, you know.
It's two o'clock in the afternoon.
I know.
Jake, what did you get on Judge My Face again? Erm 8.
9, I think.
8.
9! Hi! Pete, I love that jacket.
Thank you.
Yeah, mate, it really suits you.
It does.
It's tremendous.
A really tremendous jacket.
I tell you who'd look really good in that Jake.
You don't mind if he tries it on, do you? Yeah.
Come on! While we're waiting for the jacket to go on, a chance to bring in Trinny and Susannah.
Welcome, ladies.
Big fans of the show.
Oh, thank you.
Especially Terry.
Cheers, pet.
Now this jacket, what is all the fuss? Well, I think it's worth a bit of a fuss.
It's kind of very retro, '70s, lapels.
I agree.
Very Starsky and Hutch.
Now you're two girls, we're two fellas, what are you doing later? Going clubbing with Terry.
Oh.
That was quick.
You snooze, you lose.
It fits you even better than Pete.
Doesn't suit you.
It's like it was made for you.
Nah.
(COLIN) So we join Pete off on his first date with Helene.
Ta-da! Oh, how's this going to go down? Are you serious? What do you mean? I thought all girls liked Mamma Mia.
Not this girl.
(TERRY) Oh, dear.
Oh, well, I've got the tickets now.
I don't know what you want to How bad can it be? Probably really bad.
(COLIN) Well into the first half and Pete looking uncomfortable.
And that's not all down to the show, is it? (TERRY) No, he had three pints of lager before he met Helene and is now desperate to go to the khazi.
(COLIN) And there's still three camp classics to go until the interval.
Well, there it is, that's half time.
But the loos in these theatres notoriously tiny.
Just look at that queue.
(TERRY) Oh, it looks like he's had an idea.
(COLIN) Oh, you can't beat it, can you? (TERRY) He certainly looks like he's getting a lot more enjoyment out of that piss than from the first half of Mamma Mia.
(COLIN) Sorry, "piss" one of the words we can no longer use.
Ahem, ahem, ahem.
Sorry, sorry.
You can be charged with indecent exposure for that.
Oh, what? No.
I was watching Mamma Mia and the toilets were busy.
I came to find a quiet place.
Just be more careful next time.
I will.
Really sorry, officer.
So, are you enjoying the show? No, it's shit.
I've seen Scooby Doo episodes that make more sense.
I can honestly say I think it's been the worst hour of my life.
Well, I think it's wonderful.
I've seen it 52 times.
Oh, yeah? I think you better come with me.
(COLIN) Oh no, well, he asked for that.
Slagging off Mamma Mia to a lady is like playing Russian Roulette with five bullets in the chamber.
We're back after these.
Welcome back.
It's the morning after the night before.
Pete's tracked down Helene.
(TERRY) She doesn't look happy.
She's already put the phone down.
Hi, Helene.
I've said all I want to say.
Where did you go? He doesn't want to admit he's been charged with indecent exposure.
If we do the sums, (BLEEP) plus policewoman equals Oh, that's harsh.
I looked for you.
By the time I came back, it had started and they wouldn't let me in.
I missed the second half.
I thought you thought it was rubbish.
I was quite enjoying it.
Really? Yes, and why shouldn't I? It's a vibrant examination of liberated female sexuality.
And I really wanted to see who the dad was.
Oh, my God, that guy.
What? His face conforms almost exactly to the Greek ideal of male beauty.
You've not seen him with his shirt off.
He's got these really weird scars where a shark bit him.
Really, a shark? He says a shark.
Probably a dolphin, or a big crab.
Ah, so is this your new girlfriend? Well, are you? No.
I'm Helene.
Jake.
I see you're reading Kant in German.
Oi! We're having a conversation here, yeah? Right, I'll get some coffees.
OK, rude.
Your friend is very handsome.
Jake? He's just about the best looking bloke I know.
Apart from your boyfriend.
Rob, you are so funny! Why's everyone going on about Jake? I'm better looking.
Hardly.
Well I am.
OK.
Aren't I, Rob? I am.
According to Judge My Face I'm 0.
4 better looking.
You went on Judge My Face? My mum sent my photo in.
Your mum can't work a computer.
She can barely work a telly.
Nevertheless I'm a 9.
3, all right? I think you're confused because you know him.
You know he has a nice personality and lot of charisma, but if you ignore that, take that out the equation and look at me as a photo, you will realise that I'm actually better looking than him.
I don't know him and I think he's much better looking than you.
Oh, he is nice.
Shut up.
I'm making a move, Pete, don't call me.
Helene! Helene! Helene! So, after everything you said, you actually sent your own photo to Judge My Face? It's just a bit of fun, innit? And you got a 9.
3? Yeah, that's right.
Are you sure you didn't send it into howpasteyismyface.
com? (THEY LAUGH) No! OK, fine.
I'll show you the e-mail.
Weirdly, they've just sent me another e-mail.
Well, what does it say? (TERRY) Oh, beaten by a girl.
(COLIN) That's why I never played rugby.
"Oweing to an administrative error, we're afraid your rating is not 9.
3, it's actually 3.
9.
" Oh 3.
9.
That sounds about right.
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
We're not the ones who voted 3.
9.
You obviously agree with them, don't you? Well, well no, no if I'd been doing it, I'd give you something in the high fours.
Don't worry, Pete.
Looks don't matter.
It's the content of your character that counts.
Don't kick him when he's down.
(COLIN) Ow, right in the privates.
This shopping centre won't cheer him up.
Oh, hello! Hello I AM glad to see you.
Ooh.
I picked up a photograph of my late husband wearing the jacket, just in case I saw you again.
Oh, really? You are every bit as handsome as he was.
Thank you.
Not everyone would agree with you though.
You're like peas in a pod.
You can see why I was so confused.
Yeah.
Bumping into Josie has certainly put a depressed cat amongst the pigeons.
And let's see what a 3.
9 has done to the table.
Yeah, here he goes.
He's taken quite a tumble.
Past Jenson Button and Steve Jones, formerly of T4 of course, through mid-table respectability, with the likes of Matt Baker.
He's hurtling down here, past Gregg Wallace and Bill Oddie.
Where's it going to stop, Terry? Into the Vauxhall Conference now, and he comes to rest between Alan Sugar and Adrian Chiles.
Well, how the mighty have fallen.
He soared too high like Icarus, and that photo was the sun that melted his wax.
Aye, aye.
He's got a right cob on.
You're not still sulking, Pete? Now, look, I think we could all do with cheering up.
It's Rob's birthday tomorrow and I've bought us all tickets to see Mamma Mia.
You're finally going to see it.
No! Well, I suppose if everybody's coming I'd love to see a professional production.
The girls at the biosphere performed it for me in their underwear, so this'll be much better.
I've got two tickets for you, Pete.
I don't want them.
Helene dumped me, yeah? I didn't mean Helene.
She means someone new.
Well who am I going to get with my 3.
9 face? Come on, mate, there's lots of other girls out there.
Obviously, none as pretty as Helene.
Rob! I'm taller than all of you! (COLIN) Hardly a repost worth of Oscar Wilde.
Yeah, and you as well Jake, OK? (COLIN) What do you think Oscar would have said in that situation? (TERRY) "Please don't tell anyone I'm a homosexual".
If Pete's going to prove his friends wrong, he'll have to win Helene back.
It'll have to be a big gesture.
She works with children, obviously kind-hearted.
If broached correctly, might she take him back? No excuses, all right? (COLIN) Oh, hello.
I wonder if he's misjudged this.
What are you doing? Hear me out.
Hello, boys and girls.
(COLIN) What was he thinking, Terry? (TERRY) I can't watch.
If you change your mind, I'm the first in line.
Honey, I'm still free.
All together now! Take a chance on me.
(COLIN) He's running out of steam.
He should go up a gear.
You know I'm going to be around.
If you've got no place to go If you're feeling down.
If you're all alone When the pretty birds have flown, Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me.
I'm going to do my very best and it ain't no lie, If you put me to the test if you let me try.
(COLIN) That's how Pete imagined it went.
He fainted through stress half way through the first verse.
He hits his head on the desk as he goes down and then we're into fantasy land.
Back to your seats, everyone.
Are you all right, Pete? Yeah, I'm fine.
That was quite a bash.
Oh it's OK, OK.
Is he your boyfriend, Miss? He used to be.
Helene, see.
I am capable of being romantic.
I never said you weren't.
Oh yeah, that was someone else.
Listen, Helene please, give me another chance.
All right.
What are you doing tomorrow night? Nothing.
How'd you like to see how Mamma Mia ends? I'd love to.
(CHILDREN) Whoo! (COLIN) Pete's stuck his tongue in.
Not appropriate in front of children.
Rob Hello, mate.
All right? D'you think you could ask Anna if I could have those Mamma Mia tickets? Oh, back with Helene then are we? Yeah, couldn't stay away, could she? So will you ask her, mate? She's got rid of them.
Oh, what?! She didn't know you wanted them, and you did say it was bollocks.
It is bollocks.
I know She only wants to see the second half, we'll second act it.
Sneaking in at the interval? I was charged with indecent exposure, I'm staring into the abyss.
This "second acting" sounds risky to me.
He's done it before, seen the second half of some of the finest West End shows.
How does it work, Terry? The ushers are strict at the start, but in the interval, nobody checks.
They're out the back smoking.
There's nearly always free seats.
(COLIN) Surely not Mamma Mia, a smash hit sell out? (TERRY) There's always some fellas who walk out at half time.
Oh, oh, there he is! Goodness me, where have you been?! Sorry, I got caught up writing this article then we got here at eight o'clock and they wouldn't let us in.
So we've been in the pub, not clapping along to Dancing Queen and Voulez-Vous Well Rob is loving it.
He says it's his best birthday ever.
He's not the only one who's loving it.
But it's so complicated, like, which one's the real dad? It's like The Usual Suspects, or something.
So where are we sitting Pete? Mmm (COLIN) There are the tickets.
An old travel card and a receipt for crisps.
Let me see where we're sitting Here we go, just here.
(TANNOY) The performance resumes in five minutes.
We must stop meeting like this.
What is it? Josie.
Her husband was beheaded.
Oh, my God.
A long time ago now.
I suppose, two months.
(COLIN) Might have been wiser to open with a compliment about her scarf.
This is Helene.
Hello.
I didn't know you were an ABBA fan.
Actually, it's all a bit last minute.
My friend got the seats.
She knows the pretty blonde girl and she gave them to her at the charity shop.
(COLIN) Oh dear! Which charity shop? Age UK.
Here's my friend now.
This is Bridget.
Hi, Bridget.
(COLIN) How will he play this? I think I've seen you in the Age UK shop.
(COLIN) Uh-oh! Well, that's where he bought the jacket.
Well, he didn't buy it from us.
(COLIN) He needs to get the chat off that jacket pronto.
Bridget, was your husband also beheaded? No, he works for Network Rail.
He ought to be beheaded, then.
I don't know why I said that.
I hardly ever go on trains.
I don't understand.
He must have bought the jacket from you.
I left it in the shop doorway.
A lot of stuff does get pinched from there.
No, I DID buy it from you.
Do you remember? Do you? I think she might be a little bit (WHISTLES) She is sudoku champion in her age group.
In her age group! My memory is perfect.
The last time I saw you, you were wearing that jacket and giving us a donation of £1.
£1 for Brian's jacket?! You stole from a charity shop? You just heard them say, I gave a donation.
Is everything all right over here? Oh God, yeah, fine.
Can I see everyone's tickets, please? Yeah.
(COLIN) Can't show her that travel card.
(TERRY) Or the receipt.
Where are you tickets, sir? I think I might have dropped them in the bar.
We weren't there.
You were just looking at them.
Are you second acting? What's second acting? Is everything all right here? I am a police officer.
Hello.
You! (COLIN) How many straws can this camel's back take? What's this? 53rd time for you? He's second acting.
That's fraud.
Mmm? Deliberately trying to swindle Benny and Bjorn out of rightful royalties.
They hardly need it.
Two of the world's richest men.
And that makes it OK? No, but they didn't write this.
It was cobbled together by some woman.
Cobbled together! Cobbled together! By some woman?! GASPING Actually, thinking about it, it's actually very structurally sound.
He stole that jacket from Age UK.
There's obviously been a misunderstanding here, so what I'm going to do, I'll give you back the jacket, OK? This now a humbling and humiliating moment for the lad from Watford, and he's going to struggle to hang on to Helene without that jacket.
Aye.
I need you to leave.
You're coming down the station.
You'll miss the second half.
It'll be worth it.
Does she know you got arrested for indecent exposure? (COLIN) That's won't help.
I was having a piss up against some bins.
You should go to the station.
Thanks for the support! You're a flasher, Pete? Come on.
(COLIN) It'll take an appearance from ABBA themselves to win her back now.
How much for the jacket? Ooh.
(COLIN) The best thing to do is leave quietly.
By the way, Mamma Mia is SHIT! (TERRY) Oh, he can't, and that's a taser! (GROANS) (COLIN) Oh, what a surprise! (TERRY) They can generate 50,000 volts.
(COLIN) It's not the volts that kill you, it's the amps.
SLOW HANDCLAPPING That couldn't have gone worse.
Unless she turns that taser off, it looks like he'll be there for the second half.
(LAUGHS) Join us again next time, as once again, Pete takes on life.
Aye, goodnight.