PhoneShop (2009) s02e04 Episode Script

There's a nice smiling face! Good morning, chap, how you doing? Let's just have a word oh, we're dancing, innit?! Look at me, eh, look what I'm doing! I like your tie.
Oh, you're wearing shoes.
Here we go, we're having a little chat.
Here we go, high five, don't leave a brother hanging.
There we go.
Here we go.
Just two minutes.
Just two minutes.
Two minutes, that's all.
Just two minutes, mate.
I'm already signed up, mate.
All I need's another signature.
LISTEN! People are dying, yeah? And it's your fault.
Now sign here.
I've got it's not I've really Hey, dude, let's talk children.
One minute, just one minute.
I can't I can't Two minutes, just two minutes I'm sorry, I've got You look nice, do you want to chat for a second? No, please Sorry, it's my phone Sorry, no, thank you, it's My phone.
It's on silent.
Hello, sir! Would you like to sign up? Do you like children? No, I don't I do like children No Do you like stickers? I can give you a sticker.
I'm on the phone I'm really sorry! I'm on the phone.
Waste man! Oh, God! Hello, darling, today's your lucky day.
Is it? Yes.
Oh, Jesus! That's it Go on.
You buggers.
Go on.
You bugger! Come on That's right ooh, you bugger! Shelley, you have got to stop spending this money.
We cannot afford it.
How can it be lucky if it's cost me a grand? Don't laugh, Shelley, don't laugh Do not laugh Shelley? Go on.
Ooh, you bugger! Bugger.
Bugger bugger.
Bugger bugger.
Buggers! Seriously? You been doing Benefit Nights for the Trapped Chilean Miners? Yeah.
Made a fortune out of it.
It's solid gold.
I'm rolling' in it Them miners got rescued, like, time ago, innit? You do know one's still down there? For real? Yeah, for fuckin' real.
Poor bastard, they couldn't get him out.
He's been trapped over a year now.
It's fucking tragic, the press aren't interested, cameras have gone away.
It's scandalous.
Bruv, that ain't true? Is it? Ha! Course it's not fucking true, you pair of gullible pricks.
It's incredible what you can get people to believe.
Bruv, you know how we do it here, innit? Too right.
There are some people who actually believe that he's a fucking phone salesman.
Fucking Jester, man! You would not believe what has just happened to me.
I probably would, you prick.
Right, I'm off to do some damage to your toilet.
You might want to put an advance call in to Rentokil.
S'up, Numes? I've literally just been assaulted out there! I told you, bruv, never use that toilet in the multistorey.
No, not this woman, this really rude woman, has just come up to me, shoved that in my top pocket, and tells me that unless I give her money, get this I'll be cursed.
Bruv.
That's good.
That's the Lucky Heather.
How much you give her? How much did I give her? Yeah, McFly, because that's how it works.
The more money you give, the more luck you get.
You gave her money, innit? No, I didn't! Why would I give her money for this? What? You didn't give her any money? Step away from me.
Ash, this is a cursed youth.
Shut up.
Cursed! Bullshit, bruv.
Yeah, bullshit, bruv.
It's what? Sorry? Don't test man on this business.
It's my ting, yeah? OK.
You know Eddie Adoono? Eddie Adono? Nah, Eddie Adoono went college with Jez.
Set up the Church of the Increasingly Strong Prayer UK.
Eddie-a-fucking-doono! Yeah, the Jesus Wants You Rich Beyond Your Wildest Imaginings Church of the Eternal Seven Day Creator Limited? Yes, bruv.
Deeply religious man.
He knocked back one of them Lucky Heather women up in Covent Garden.
She cursed him up, bruv! She didn't curse him up.
Two days later, Eddie gets arrested, he's serving eight years in pen.
Real talk.
Say somethin'.
Fam, that was nuttin to do with no Heather, yeah? My man was rinsing his poor congregation out of their meagre savings in return for the seductive if erroneous prospect of eternal happiness in the afterlife.
You say somethin'.
Do you work for npower? Why are you gassing? This is a ting, you know.
This is not a ting.
Bruv, it's a ting.
It's not a ting.
Shut your mouth.
It's not a ting.
What is going on in that toilet? What? It's just Jez, innit.
He's making so much noise in there.
I'm having very real problems trying to creatively visualise the winning numbers to this week's EuroMillions.
Come on, it's Jez.
Man wrestles with his toilet, you know that.
Look, Janine's on the heather tip.
Janine, tell me, have you experienced any good fortune today? Yes.
Yes, I have.
Would you like to share with the group? Yes.
Yes, I would.
Today, I had the very good fortune to receive this.
It's very lucky.
Right, but have you actually received any good luck? Yes.
This.
Right, again, apart from the heather.
The Lucky Heather, fam.
Apart from the heather, have you received any good luck? Not as of yet, but I've been promised on good authority that on this very day I shall be the recipient of a parcel of good fortune.
A parcel of good fortune? Who even speaks like that? You got told that by some woman in the street who bullied you into giving her a fiver for a piece of weed you can't even smoke? Eediot.
No, actually you're the eediot because I was informed of that by a very reliable and trusted source.
Who? Your Daily Mail horoscope? No.
Marie Claire? No.
Ceefax? It was right about 9/11.
Janine.
You're not the only one who has been blessed today.
Really? Congratulations, Christopher, welcome to the club! There is no club.
Open your mind to prosperity, find your inner freedom! What? Janine, Christopher didn't give the woman any money.
Why would you do that? Cos it's bullshit, Janine.
Yeah, it's bullshit, Janine.
It's what, sorry? It's nonsense, Janine.
It's not true.
Well, you would say that, wouldn't you? What? Because it's the truth? No, because you're now cursed.
You've got the evil eye on you.
You want to watch yourself.
OK.
I barely got words for this bullshit, bruv.
Evil eye? Cursed? Bull I was just sitting there doing a wee and I don't really remember what happened.
Oh, there are forces at work much greater than us, Christopher.
Things we could never even hope to fathom.
Really? Things even Laboratoire Garnier in Paris couldn't get to the bottom of.
Like what? Like this.
What the fuck.
That is a lot of money.
That is a parcel of good fortune.
Thank you, Ceefax.
It's not It's a bag of what is most likely illegal cash stashed by Little Gary in the ceiling which fell out and hit me on the head while I was going to the toilet.
You just don't get it, do you? There's nothing to get! It's coincidence! It's not mystical or spiritual.
It's fucking gravitational.
Stop swearing.
What's the matter with you, Christopher? Evil Eye.
Evil Eye.
There is no Evil Eye! Oh, for Right, that's it.
Where's Ashley? Dadada! Sit.
Let's not get Ashley or Jerwayne involved with this.
They don't need to know.
Right.
As the manager of this store I am going to take this money and put it in a safe place to ensure the safeness of its safe keeping.
I'm going to pay it straight into the bank, where it will be absolutely safe until Little Gary gets back in approximately seven years with good behaviour.
Let's call it ten.
Not a word to anyone, right? Jez is funny, boy.
We got good, you know.
Bruv.
We got got good, fam.
All right? Getting rid of your vintage porn collection? Yeah.
Fuck me, Lance, getting rid of your partners, eh? All right, arseholes.
Here, Christopher, give that to your mam, yeah? I'd give it a rinse first.
What is it, a kitchen gadget? Nah, it's a Sex Lemon.
They're big in Japan.
Here, boys, I need a bit of advice, yeah? Yeah, safe.
You know I've been seeing' that girl? What? The lorry driver, with the dead husband? Nah.
She got deported.
Long story.
I've been seeing this girl, Louise.
Is she High Street? Kind of.
She's one of the charity pricks who try and sign you up.
What?! I know.
I know.
I wouldn't normally, but she is fucking fit.
Imagine what she looks like under that tabard.
That's what I'm working on finding out.
So, we're in Cafe Nero Aspirational location.
I've bought her a mocha Astute choice.
And a tiny little tin of mints.
All boxes ticked.
We're good to go.
And I'm workin' this fucking big time.
Oh, so you like the films of Jude Law, I do too, he's a fucking legend.
We're finding common ground, we're making connections and then I say, we're in the same line of business, me and you, and she goes fucking ballistic.
How dare you this, and you arsehole that You told her about the Chilean miners, innit? Big mistake.
Course I fucking did.
I'm working a system, I'm making connections, I'm constructing an elaborate artifice and then she goes and behaves like that.
Bruv, she's vexed with you cos she sees herself as real charity and you're just like snide charity.
Look, it's like she's thinking she's Top Gear and you're Fifth Gear when really, you're both just Men and Motors.
Look.
Don't worry, you been to this place before.
Know this.
These people, yeah, these beggars with clipboards, they don't give a fuck about the charity they work for.
All they care about is signing you up, making commission, hitting targets, making bonus.
They're vulgar, they're fucking mercenaries.
All she's worried about is you're taking her money, bruv.
OK, the way you're going to fix up on this is to commit to her charity big.
You ain't done that already, have you? Nah, I already do fucking loads for charity, you know that.
Bruv, if you wanna bone her You gotta be a donor.
Impress the girl.
Drop a big wedge of chash on that charity.
Oh, my gosh.
He's such a generous guy and so in tune with society's needs.
I must immediately succumb to his most base and animalistic desire.
All the while, you're moving one step nearer to the big charity panty drop.
Boom! So I act flash and drop her a couple of hundred quid? Double that, bruv.
What? Nah nananah.
Triple that.
Really? Really.
Depends on how much you want it.
Do you want it? Fucking right I want it.
Where the fuck is my money?! Ha ha ha! Er er uh-uh, er er uh-uh.
Which one of you fuckers has taken my fucking money? What kind of heartless bastard steals a carrier bag full of fucking charity cash? What? He's cross.
Where's my money? You've done what? I didn't know it was your money.
Who the fuck's did you think it was? What was it doing in the ceiling? It doesn't matter what it was doing in the fucking ceiling.
You don't ask a bird why it sits in a fucking tree.
I need that money back.
I can't get it.
Why? Where is it? In the bank.
The bank? Why the fuck would anyone put money in the fucking bank? Go and get it.
I can't.
Why not? They won't let me.
You fucking owe me.
Large! Do I have to do this? Yes, you fucking do.
Bugger! Bugger! You all right? Yeah, good, fine, thanks, yourself? Can't complain, you know, hmm? Bugger! Bugger.
Can I have a go? Yeah.
Help yourself.
Thought you didn't believe in luck? I don't.
I believe in WOW! I've won! Three lemons! Get in! Kerching.
Blurblurblurblur Pound sign Blurblurblurlur Three Blurblurblurblur Pounds I've won three pounds.
Three pounds.
God.
Wow.
Brilliant.
Well, I guess I owe you a quid then.
Thanks, Janine.
No.
Thank you.
Because you've made me realise that the gift I have received is bigger than any one of us could ever have imagined.
Is it? Yeah.
You see, Lance getting that big bag full of money, Jez finding out who took his big bag full of money, you and your three pounds.
Why didn't I see it sooner? See what? It's obvious.
I make good things happen for other people.
I'm just the channel, not the beneficiary.
I'm a luck funnel.
A what? Bruv, there's nothing to worry about.
Right, tonight, we're working Operation Gullibility.
All you got to do is, when you chat to women, let them know you're part of the team that rescued the miner.
Oh, God.
Women love that kind of shit.
You're like a big, dirty-handed hero.
You're like Ross Kemp in a skip-full of dog shit.
Yeah.
You're like a globetrotting miner-rescuing bad man, good man, and you're just here for one night before your next rescue, yeah? As if that's going to work.
You're right.
It's not going to work for you, because you're fucking cursed, innit? I'm not Why did I agreed to do this? You look great, Lance.
Do you think so? Yeah.
Hey.
Look in my eyes.
You will be brilliant.
Now repeat it.
What was it? You will be brilliant.
I will be brilliant.
I'll be brilliant.
I'll be brilliant.
I'll be brilliant.
I'll be brilliant.
I'll be brilliant.
I'll be brilliant.
That's my dad.
Boy.
Boss.
Sorry.
That's enough.
Oh, shit.
It's OK, Lance.
Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the one you've been waiting for.
He's only been out a day or two and we've got him down here in fucking Sutton.
How about that, eh? I want to go to the toilet.
No.
Don't clap, you fuckers, you'll scare him.
He'll think it's another fucking rock-fall.
Please give it up large for the last of the Chilean miners.
Drink.
Spit.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
We were pretty instrumental in the rescuing of the guy.
We spent, like, two weeks in Chile doing that and came over here for this and then we're off to, um where is it again, Ash? Venezuela.
Yeah, that's right, we're off to Asia in the morning.
Why are you dressed like that? Are you two special forces? Dickheads! Next table.
Next table.
Bruv, I thought we looked strong in this.
You got a little thread there.
Hi.
Hi.
Do you know about the rescue game? The whole thing is just so incredible.
Yeah we worked pretty bloody hard to make it happen.
You know, get him up, get him out, get him over here.
He's a lovely lad.
I mean, quiet.
Keeps himself to himself.
Are you part of all this? Well Yeah yeah yeah, I am.
Wow! What an amazing job.
Yeah, I'm pretty lucky.
I'm Christopher, by the way.
I'm Heather.
What? Heather.
As in lucky heather? And you always carry a lucky charm, do you? Yeah.
Always.
I've got a rabbit's foot, as well.
I would show you but I don't want to take my feet off No, take my shoes off Oh, I buggered that up.
Oh, baby, this is Christopher.
This is David.
You all right? You're not going to believe what Christopher gave me.
Lucky heather.
Wow, look at that! That's great.
Unlucky.
Now fuck off! Sweet guy.
There you go.
Lovely.
Thank you.
Are.
You.
All right, bruv? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's OK.
But we have to monitor him.
It's part of the aftercare.
Just check that he's all right, like Do.
You.
Want to.
Go.
Toilet, mate? Naahhh! I think you should go toilet.
Naahhh! Yeah! Naahhh! Yeah! Naahhh! Go on.
Off you go, yeah? You go toilet and when you come back, you can have a packet of Wotsits yeah? Like you like, the Wotositas.
Si? Si? Go on! Off you go.
Bye! Bounce! Move! So, tell us about this rescue again, it sounds so exciting! Yeah, we want to know everything! All right? You like Champagne? Definitely! Yes, please! You'll fucking love Cava.
Get that down you.
Ah, you must be the mastermind behind all of this? That's very kind of you to say.
Jez Griffith at your disposal.
And what do you two do when you're not supermodelling? Polly and I work for the Sutton Gazette.
We were hoping we might ask you a few questions about your charity activities.
What? I thought you was like reiki aromatherapists.
What, you ain't cousins? No.
I'll deal with this, yeah? Ladies, hi, er maybe we should have a little chat.
Oh.
We also wanted to talk to you about a lucky heather scam, Jez.
Oh, dear.
You pair of fucking gullible cu