Pinky and the Brain (1995) s02e04 Episode Script
The Pink Candidate
GEE, BRAIN, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TONIGHT? THE SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN YES, PINKY AND THE BRAIN ONE IS A GENIUS THE OTHER'S INSANE THEY'RE LABORATORY MICE THEIR GENES HAVE BEEN SPLICED THEY'RE DINKY THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN BEFORE EACH NIGHT IS DONE THEIR PLAN WILL BE UNFURLED BY THE DAWNING OF THE SUN THEY'LL TAKE OVER THE WORLD THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN YES, PINKY AND THE BRAIN THEIR TWILIGHT CAMPAIGN IS EASY TO EXPLAIN TO PROVE THEIR MOUSEY WORTH THEY'LL OVERTHROW THE EARTH THEY'RE DINKY THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN NARF! CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
Brain: TONIGHT, PINKY, A TERRIBLE CURSE IS SET TO BEFALL MANKIND.
OOOH, SOUNDS SCARY.
NARF! WE ARE JOURNEYING TO EGYPT AND THE GREAT PYRAMID AT GIZA, WHERE ANCIENT MUMMIES WILL SOON WALK THE EARTH.
THE ROLLING STONES ARE TOURING AGAIN, ARE THEY? IN THE PYRAMID, DEEP WITHIN AN AIR SHAFT BARELY A HIDDEN DOORWAY WAS RECENTLY DISCOVERED.
ARCHAEOLOGISTS HAVE BUILT A TINY ROBOTIC PROBE THAT WILL TRAVEL UP THE AIR SHAFT AND OPEN THE SECRET DOOR, REVEALING ITS MYSTERIES TO THE WORLD.
PINKY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE ARCHAEOLOGISTS WILL DISCOVER BEHIND THAT DOOR? A BRAND NEW CAR! NO, PINKY.
ANGRY PHARAOHS, DISTURBED FROM THEIR ETERNAL SLUMBER.
OH, NO! YES! WE SHALL DISGUISE OURSELVES AS THE GREAT KING KHUFU AND HIS PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN BROTHER.
NIKKI JIGGLEIT A LITTLE IT'LL OPEN.
NO, PINKY, GEORGE.
ONCE AWAKENED, OUR WRATH WILL ONLY BE APPEASED BY ONE THING, ABSOLUTE CONTROL OF THE WORLD.
EGAD, BRILLIANT, BRAIN! OH, WAIT, WAIT, NO, NO, NO.
AREN'T WE JUST A WEE BIT TINY TO BE MISTAKEN FOR EGYPTIAN PHARAOHS? IT IS A WELL-KNOWN FACT THAT PEOPLE WERE MUCH SHORTER BACK THEN, PINKY.
THEY COULDN'T RIDE SPACE MOUNTAIN, EH? YAAAAA! OOOF! AND THE BEST THING ABOUT OUR PLAN, PINKY, IS THAT IT REQUIRES ONLY ONE SIMPLE INGREDIENT BATHROOM TISSUE.
NAAAARF! COME, PINKY, WE SET SAIL TONIGHT.
THERE SHE IS, PINKY THE EGYPTIAN QUEEN.
THOUGH A TIRED SCOW SHE MAY BE, SHE HAS SURVIVED MANY ARDUOUS VOYAGES ACROSS THE SEA.
EARL-I IN THE MORNING NARF! GLUG, GLUG GLUG.
DON'T DRINK THE SUNSCREEN, PINKY.
THE DESERT IS RESTLESS, PINKY.
I FEAR WE ARE EXPERIENCING THE QUIET BEFORE THE STORM.
EARL-I IN THE MORNIN' YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD, BRAIN.
I THINK I SWALLOWED A BUG.
BEHOLD, PINKY, THE PYRAMIDS OF GIZA! Crowd: MUMMIES ARE THE BEST, LET KHUFU REST! WHO ARE THEY, BRAIN? PEOPLE WITHOUT JOBS, PINKY.
WOW, THIS AIR SHAFT SURE IS SMALL.
HOW'D THEY EVER GET IN THERE TO BUILD A DOOR? PEOPLE WERE MUCH SHORTER BACK THEN.
[WHEEL SQUEAKS.]
BEWARE! BEWARE, IGNORANT FOOLS, TO OPEN THE SACRED BURIAL CHAMBER OF KHUFU IS TO INVITE A PLAGUE OF MISERY UPON HUMANITY.
FIRE SHALL RAIN DOWN FROM THE SKY.
LOCUSTS SHALL DEVOUR CROPS.
OLSEN TWINS WILL MAKE MORE MOVIES.
[GASPS.]
OH, GO GET A JOB.
AH! A COCKROACH.
A SCARAB, PINKY.
A BEETLE WORSHIPPED BY THE ANCIENT EGYPTIANS.
WHICH ONE? PETE BEST? COME, PINKY.
OUR DESTINY AWAITS.
OOOH! AAARGH! Archaeologist: THAT LITTLE PROBE SURE WORKS SWELL.
OK, WE HAVE TO DO THIS VERY CAREFULLY.
THERE MIGHT BE A LOT OF REALLY OLD STUFF IN THERE.
Archaeologist: LOOK, MOVEMENT! OOOOO! OOOOO! DID I JUST SEE WHAT I THINK I SAW? WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU SAW WHAT I THINK I SAW, I THINK WE MADE A SERIOUS MISTAKE.
[GASPS.]
Pinky: OOOOO! Brain: OOOOO! I AM THE GREAT KHUFU.
AND I AM HIS PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN BROTHER GEORGE.
YOU HAVE DISTURBED OUR ETERNAL SLUMBER, AND WE ARE VERY ANGRY.
[ALL GASP.]
[ALL SCREAM.]
I AM THE GREAT KHUFU.
AND I AM GEORGE.
OOOOO! HELLO, KHUFU.
HELLO, GEORGE.
WE'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU BACK TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING AND SAY HOW SORRY WE ARE ABOUT THE WAY YOU'VE BEEN TREATED.
YOU MUST KNEEL BEFORE US, OR YOU SHALL INCUR OUR TERRIBLE WRATH.
WE'LL RELEASE ANOTHER OLSEN TWINS MOVIE.
[ALL GASP.]
[ALL SCREAM.]
BLITHERING DOLTS.
[CHANTING.]
MUMMIES SHOULD STAY DEAD, GO BACK TO BED.
MUMMIES SHOULD STAY DEAD-- I AM THE GREAT KHU-- RETURN FROM WHENCE YOU CAME, OH, RESTLESS SPIRITS, AND CURSE US NOT WITH YOUR CURSES SO FOUL AND CURSED.
[ANGRY YELLS.]
YAAAA! YAAAA! NO, STOP! SLEEP ONCE MORE, ANCIENT ONES.
PINKY, ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING? I THINK SO, BRAIN, BUT DON'T YOU NEED A SWIMMING POOL TO PLAYMARCO POLO? NO, PINKY.
WE'RE TRAPPED! WE MUST FIND ANOTHER WAY OUT.
PERHAPS THESE HIEROGLYPHICS WILL REVEAL A WAY OUT OF HERE.
[ROAR.]
[GASPS.]
HAH, SCARED YOU, DIDN'T I? YOU ALWAYS SCARE ME, PINKY.
NOW, DO ME A FAVOR AND GO PLAY WITH THOSE BLOCKS OVER THERE.
[LAUGHING.]
WOE UNTO THOSE WHO ALTER THE BLOCKS OF LIFE AND WAKE THE MUMMY.
HMM.
WOE UNTO THOSE WHO ALTER THE BLOCKS OF LIFE.
THE BLOCKS OF LIFE? THE BLOCKS OF LIFE! PINKY, NO! PINKY, THESE SYMBOLS SPELL WAKEMEUP.
[GROANS.]
AAH! AAH! [GROANS.]
AAH! AAH! AAH, AAH, AAH! PINKY! SORRY, BRAIN.
FOLLOW.
[MUMMY GROANS.]
AAH! GOT TO GET THIS THING COME ON.
AGGH! PINKY? YOUR OIL'S A LITTLE LOW, MAC.
AND YOU MIGHT WANT TO ADD SOME VINEGAR, TOO.
HA HA, NARF.
GET IN! [MUMMY GROANS.]
AAH! AAH! [GROWLS.]
OOF! YAAA! YAAA! YAAA! YAAA! [PLEASED GROWL.]
[GROWL.]
BRAIN? BRAIN? OOH, DON'T WORRY, BRAIN.
WE'LL CARRY ON.
A NEW DAY WILL DAWN.
WE'LL TAKE OVER THE WORLD SOME OTHER WAY.
WHEN DO WE START? EARL-I IN THE MORNIN' PARDON ME, BUT DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING FOR POST NASAL DRIP? TRY LEECHES.
THEY WORK FOR EVERYTHING.
[HICCUP.]
BE STILL, PINKY.
PINKY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT WILL TAKE TO BRING CIVILIZATION OUT OF THE DARK AGES? UM, [HICCUP.]
GROOVY LAVA LAMPS? A WORTHY GUESS, MY FRIEND.
BUT I WAS THINKING, RATHER, OF PERSONAL HYGIENE.
A SUBJECT, I SUSPECT, YOU KNOW PRECIOUS LITTLE ABOUT.
BATHES ONLY ONCE EVERY 6 YEARS.
BUT SOON, THE MALODOROUS MASSES WILL HAVE WHAT THEY CRAVE MOST.
OH, LOVELY RUBBER HATS WITH [HICCUP.]
SQUEAKY DUCKBILLS ON THE FRONT? NO, PINKY.
BATH WATER.
WE SHALL CONSTRUCT A MASSIVE WATER HEATER TO DELIVER HOT WATER THROUGHOUT THE LAND.
NARFETH! NO LONGER PLAGUED BY PERSISTENT BODY ODOR, THE POPULACE WILL SHOW THEIR THANKS BY GIVING ME THE KEYS TO THE KINGDOM.
EGADETH, BRAIN, BRILLIANT! OH, WAIT, WAIT, WON'T THAT COST A LOT OF MONEY? HOW EVER WILL WE EVER GET IT? I'M STILL TAKING THAT UNDER CONSIDERATION, PINKY.
MAYBE WE COULD CAPTURE ROBIN HOOD AND COLLECT THE BIG REWARD.
DON'T BE SILLY, PINKY.
WE'D NEVER[DING.]
YES! PINKY, ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING? WELL, I THINK SO-- [HICCUP.]
BUT KEVIN COSTNER NO, PINKY.
I SHALL BE ROBIN BRAIN, A NOBLE OUTLAW WHO STEALS FROM THE RICH AND GIVES TO HIMSELF.
BUT DOESN'T ROBIN HOOD GIVE TO THE POOR? YES, BUT WE DON'T WANT TO BE SUED FOR TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT.
NOW, COME.
WE MUST FIND A BAND OF MERRY MEN.
MAYHAPS THE VILLAGE PEOPLE ARE STILL IN TOWN.
[HICCUP.]
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THESE HICCUPS, BRAIN? TRY LEECHES, PINKY.
THEY WORK FOR EVERYTHING.
THE TAX FOR CROSSING YON TOLL LOG IS 5 SHILLINGS.
YO, I JUST PAID A POTHOLE TAX UP THE ROAD.
IT SEEM THE MORE I WALKETH, THE MORE I PAYETH.
THERE ARE 2 THINGS IN LIFE THOU CANNOT ESCAPE, TAXES AND BODY ODOR.
BESIDES, IT ALL GOES TO EDUCATION.
HEY! THEN HERE GOETH AN EDUCATION FOR YOU.
AAH! STEP ASIDE, LUSTY INFANT.
WE MUST PASS! I THINK NOT, TINY TOT.
I WAS HERE FIRSTETH.
THIS IS A DIAMOND LOG, GOOD FELLOW.
THOSE TRAVELING IN PAIRS ALWAYS HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY.
WELL, HERE BE MY WAY.
TAKETH THAT, KNAVE.
[GRUNTING.]
AND FURTHERMORE, THAT! OWWWW! AND YET, AD NAUSEAM, THAT! OWWW! AAAH! YAY! ZORTETH! [HICCUP.]
[PTOO.]
YOU HAVE BESTED ME, PUNY ONE.
WHAT IS THE NAME I SHOULD TELL OTHERS THAT THEY SHOULD FEAR? I AM ROBIN BRAIN.
A NOBLE OUTLAW WHO STEALS FROM THE RICH AND GIVES TO HIMSELF.
[HICCUP.]
OUCHETH.
I AM CALLED FRYER CHUCK.
A MAN OF THE CLOTH, ARE YOU? NO, I'M A FRY COOK.
WE ARE FORMING A BAND OF MEN, FRYER CHUCK, AND TOGETHER WE SHALL DISINFECT THIS LAND.
OH, GOODIE.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE IN A BAND.
HEAR ME, GOOD PEOPLE OF SHERWOOD.
ARE YOU TIRED OF OVERTAXATION? YES! YES! YES! ARE YOU TIRED OF HYPERINFLATION? ER, YES! I THINK SO.
I DON'T GET IT? WHAT DID HE SAY? ARE YOU MAD AS ALL GET OUT? [HICCUP.]
All: YES! SAY ONE, SAY YOU ALL, "I'M AS MAD AS ALL GET OUT, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!" I'M AS MAD AS ALL GET OUT, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! THEN JOIN WITH ME, ROBIN BRAIN, AND TOGETHER WE SHALL TAKE BACK THIS LAND.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
YOU SHALL BE MY MERRY MEN.
WHO YOU CALLIN' MARY? [GULP.]
HEH, HEH.
I MEAN, UH, YOU SHALL BE MY MIRTHFUL MEN? WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS THAT? WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? HEY, WHAT DOES HE TAKE US FOR? UH, BRAIN [WHISPERS.]
[HICCUPS.]
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, PINKY.
NO SELF-RESPECTING TEAM OF HEARTY HE-MEN WOULD WANT TO BE CALLED THE MIGHTY DUCKS.
I LIKE THAT.
WE'LL DO IT.
THAT SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD.
WHAT A NEAT NAME! WELL, FORTUNATELY, THAT IS TAKEN, SO YOU SHALL BE, THE MIGHTY MALLARDS! Crowd: HOORAY! MAYBE IT'S TIME WE RAISED THE SALES TAX A COUPLE OF POINTS.
THINKST THOU THE PEOPLE WILL GO FOR IT? WE'LL TELLETH THEM IT'S FOR EDUCATION.
[HORSE NEIGHS.]
[QUACK QUACK.]
[QUACK QUACK.]
[QUACK QUACK.]
[QUACK QUACK.]
THE TAXMAN COMETH, PINKY.
NOW, WE MUST LIBERATE THEIR ILL-GOTTEN BOOTY.
WON'T THAT TICKLE? [HICCUP.]
SOUND THE CHARGE.
[GASPS.]
ROBIN HOOD! THOU LOOKEST MUCH TALLER ON THY WANTED POSTERS.
I AM ROBIN BRAIN, A NOBLE OUTLAW WHO STEALS FROM THE RICH-- AND GIVES TO HIMSELF.
[QUACK.]
[HICCUP.]
[MURMURING.]
HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
ROBIN BRAIN STRIKES TERROR IN THE HEARTS OF THE RULING CLASS.
Brain: GO FORTH, MIGHTY MALLARDS, AND SELL, SELL, SELL FOR ROBIN BRAIN.
[MURMURS.]
I'M SELLING MAGAZINES FOR ROBIN BRAIN.
OH, ROBIN BRAIN I'LL TAKETH 10! NAY, 20.
CARE TO BUY A ROBIN BRAIN CRUNCH BAR? OOH! HEAR YE, HEAR YE! ROBIN BRAIN DECLARED PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE! ROBIN HOOD DEMOTED.
[LAUGHTER.]
PINKY, OUR OUTLAW DAYS ARE COMING TO AN END.
SOON WE'LL HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUILD THE WATER HEATER.
OOH, I CAN'T WAIT TO TAKE A JACUZZI, BRAIN.
[HICCUP.]
OH, OOH, THOSE LEECHES DIDN'T HELP AT ALL, BRAIN.
AND THEY TASTED ICKY.
TRY HOLDING YOUR BREATH.
FOR HOW LONG? FOREVER.
[INHALES.]
[HICCUPS.]
[INHALES.]
HA HA HA.
[ALL GASP.]
All: ROBIN HOOD! ROBIN BRAIN, I PRESUME.
I SAY, YOU LOOK MUCH TALLER ON YOUR WANTED POSTERS.
AND YOU LOOK MUCH SHORTER.
I SHOULD SUE YOU FOR TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT, ROBIN BRAIN.
YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE A CASE.
THERE IS A KEY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US.
YES, AS MY LAWYERS HAVE POINTED OUT.
I, ROBIN HOOD, ROB FROM THE RICH AND GIVE TO THE POOR.
YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, ONLY GIVE TO YOURSELF.
[GASPS.]
SHERWOOD FOREST ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR 2 OUTLAWS IN GREEN TIGHTS.
IF THAT IS A CHALLENGE, I ACCEPT.
LET THE CONTEST BEGIN.
Man: A PERFECT BULLSEYE! MATCH THAT, LITTLE MAN.
[HICCUP.]
SILENCE, PINKY! I MUST CONCENTRATE.
SORRY, BRAIN, BUT THESE HICCUPS-- WHY DON'T YOU TRY DRINKING SOMETHING UNTIL YOU EXPLODE? OK.
POITETH.
[HICCUP.]
Man: IT'S A TIE.
[CROWD CHATTERING.]
UHH! Man: ANOTHER TIE.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD MOVE THE TARGET OUT TO A FAIR DISTANCE FOR TRUE CHAMPIONS TO SHOOT AT.
HA HA HA.
IMPUDENT VARLET! SET THE TARGET BACK ANOTHER 50 PACES.
[SLURP.]
[LAUGHTER.]
WOOO, I'M CURED.
OOOH, I FEEL FUNNY.
NARFETH! HA HA HA! BEAT THAT, LITTLE MAN.
[BELCH.]
Man: ROBIN BRAIN WINS.
[CHEERING.]
GOOD MEN OF SHERWOOD, THE TIME HAS COME TO TAKE BACK WHAT WE HAVE PLUNDERED.
All: HURRAH! TOGETHER, WE SHALL WIPE OUT THE STINK THAT FOULS THE AIR OF THIS GREAT LAND.
THESE ARE LOFTY GOALS.
HOW DO YOU PROPOSE TO CLEAN UP ALL OF ENGLAND? WITH HOT WATER AND SOAP, OF COURSE.
BATHS FOR EVERYONE! [MURMURING.]
DEVIOUS KNAVES! YOU'LL KILL US ALL! KILL YOU? NO, I-- EVERYONE KNOWS THAT HOT WATER AND SOAP IS A DEADLY COMBINATION.
PINKY, IT HAS BECOME PAINFULLY OBVIOUS THAT THESE PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO TAKE A BATH.
'TIS A PITY.
GET THEM! GEE, ALL THAT WORK AND WE WIND UP TARRED AND FEATHERED.
MMM, I GUESS WE'RE THE ONES WHO'LL HAVE TO TAKE BATHS NOW, EH, BRAIN? IF I COULD MOVE MY LIMBS, I WOULD HURT YOU, PINKY.
NOW COME, WE MUST RETREAT TO THE APOTHECARY, RIP THE TAR FROM OUR BODIES, AND PREPARE FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.
WHY? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT, BRAIN? THE SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
THEY'RE DINKETH THEY'RE PINKETH AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN [HICCUP.]
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN YES, PINKY AND THE BRAIN ONE IS A GENIUS THE OTHER'S INSANE THEY'RE LABORATORY MICE THEIR GENES HAVE BEEN SPLICED THEY'RE DINKY THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN BEFORE EACH NIGHT IS DONE THEIR PLAN WILL BE UNFURLED BY THE DAWNING OF THE SUN THEY'LL TAKE OVER THE WORLD THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN YES, PINKY AND THE BRAIN THEIR TWILIGHT CAMPAIGN IS EASY TO EXPLAIN TO PROVE THEIR MOUSEY WORTH THEY'LL OVERTHROW THE EARTH THEY'RE DINKY THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN NARF! CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
Brain: TONIGHT, PINKY, A TERRIBLE CURSE IS SET TO BEFALL MANKIND.
OOOH, SOUNDS SCARY.
NARF! WE ARE JOURNEYING TO EGYPT AND THE GREAT PYRAMID AT GIZA, WHERE ANCIENT MUMMIES WILL SOON WALK THE EARTH.
THE ROLLING STONES ARE TOURING AGAIN, ARE THEY? IN THE PYRAMID, DEEP WITHIN AN AIR SHAFT BARELY A HIDDEN DOORWAY WAS RECENTLY DISCOVERED.
ARCHAEOLOGISTS HAVE BUILT A TINY ROBOTIC PROBE THAT WILL TRAVEL UP THE AIR SHAFT AND OPEN THE SECRET DOOR, REVEALING ITS MYSTERIES TO THE WORLD.
PINKY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE ARCHAEOLOGISTS WILL DISCOVER BEHIND THAT DOOR? A BRAND NEW CAR! NO, PINKY.
ANGRY PHARAOHS, DISTURBED FROM THEIR ETERNAL SLUMBER.
OH, NO! YES! WE SHALL DISGUISE OURSELVES AS THE GREAT KING KHUFU AND HIS PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN BROTHER.
NIKKI JIGGLEIT A LITTLE IT'LL OPEN.
NO, PINKY, GEORGE.
ONCE AWAKENED, OUR WRATH WILL ONLY BE APPEASED BY ONE THING, ABSOLUTE CONTROL OF THE WORLD.
EGAD, BRILLIANT, BRAIN! OH, WAIT, WAIT, NO, NO, NO.
AREN'T WE JUST A WEE BIT TINY TO BE MISTAKEN FOR EGYPTIAN PHARAOHS? IT IS A WELL-KNOWN FACT THAT PEOPLE WERE MUCH SHORTER BACK THEN, PINKY.
THEY COULDN'T RIDE SPACE MOUNTAIN, EH? YAAAAA! OOOF! AND THE BEST THING ABOUT OUR PLAN, PINKY, IS THAT IT REQUIRES ONLY ONE SIMPLE INGREDIENT BATHROOM TISSUE.
NAAAARF! COME, PINKY, WE SET SAIL TONIGHT.
THERE SHE IS, PINKY THE EGYPTIAN QUEEN.
THOUGH A TIRED SCOW SHE MAY BE, SHE HAS SURVIVED MANY ARDUOUS VOYAGES ACROSS THE SEA.
EARL-I IN THE MORNING NARF! GLUG, GLUG GLUG.
DON'T DRINK THE SUNSCREEN, PINKY.
THE DESERT IS RESTLESS, PINKY.
I FEAR WE ARE EXPERIENCING THE QUIET BEFORE THE STORM.
EARL-I IN THE MORNIN' YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD, BRAIN.
I THINK I SWALLOWED A BUG.
BEHOLD, PINKY, THE PYRAMIDS OF GIZA! Crowd: MUMMIES ARE THE BEST, LET KHUFU REST! WHO ARE THEY, BRAIN? PEOPLE WITHOUT JOBS, PINKY.
WOW, THIS AIR SHAFT SURE IS SMALL.
HOW'D THEY EVER GET IN THERE TO BUILD A DOOR? PEOPLE WERE MUCH SHORTER BACK THEN.
[WHEEL SQUEAKS.]
BEWARE! BEWARE, IGNORANT FOOLS, TO OPEN THE SACRED BURIAL CHAMBER OF KHUFU IS TO INVITE A PLAGUE OF MISERY UPON HUMANITY.
FIRE SHALL RAIN DOWN FROM THE SKY.
LOCUSTS SHALL DEVOUR CROPS.
OLSEN TWINS WILL MAKE MORE MOVIES.
[GASPS.]
OH, GO GET A JOB.
AH! A COCKROACH.
A SCARAB, PINKY.
A BEETLE WORSHIPPED BY THE ANCIENT EGYPTIANS.
WHICH ONE? PETE BEST? COME, PINKY.
OUR DESTINY AWAITS.
OOOH! AAARGH! Archaeologist: THAT LITTLE PROBE SURE WORKS SWELL.
OK, WE HAVE TO DO THIS VERY CAREFULLY.
THERE MIGHT BE A LOT OF REALLY OLD STUFF IN THERE.
Archaeologist: LOOK, MOVEMENT! OOOOO! OOOOO! DID I JUST SEE WHAT I THINK I SAW? WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU SAW WHAT I THINK I SAW, I THINK WE MADE A SERIOUS MISTAKE.
[GASPS.]
Pinky: OOOOO! Brain: OOOOO! I AM THE GREAT KHUFU.
AND I AM HIS PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN BROTHER GEORGE.
YOU HAVE DISTURBED OUR ETERNAL SLUMBER, AND WE ARE VERY ANGRY.
[ALL GASP.]
[ALL SCREAM.]
I AM THE GREAT KHUFU.
AND I AM GEORGE.
OOOOO! HELLO, KHUFU.
HELLO, GEORGE.
WE'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU BACK TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING AND SAY HOW SORRY WE ARE ABOUT THE WAY YOU'VE BEEN TREATED.
YOU MUST KNEEL BEFORE US, OR YOU SHALL INCUR OUR TERRIBLE WRATH.
WE'LL RELEASE ANOTHER OLSEN TWINS MOVIE.
[ALL GASP.]
[ALL SCREAM.]
BLITHERING DOLTS.
[CHANTING.]
MUMMIES SHOULD STAY DEAD, GO BACK TO BED.
MUMMIES SHOULD STAY DEAD-- I AM THE GREAT KHU-- RETURN FROM WHENCE YOU CAME, OH, RESTLESS SPIRITS, AND CURSE US NOT WITH YOUR CURSES SO FOUL AND CURSED.
[ANGRY YELLS.]
YAAAA! YAAAA! NO, STOP! SLEEP ONCE MORE, ANCIENT ONES.
PINKY, ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING? I THINK SO, BRAIN, BUT DON'T YOU NEED A SWIMMING POOL TO PLAYMARCO POLO? NO, PINKY.
WE'RE TRAPPED! WE MUST FIND ANOTHER WAY OUT.
PERHAPS THESE HIEROGLYPHICS WILL REVEAL A WAY OUT OF HERE.
[ROAR.]
[GASPS.]
HAH, SCARED YOU, DIDN'T I? YOU ALWAYS SCARE ME, PINKY.
NOW, DO ME A FAVOR AND GO PLAY WITH THOSE BLOCKS OVER THERE.
[LAUGHING.]
WOE UNTO THOSE WHO ALTER THE BLOCKS OF LIFE AND WAKE THE MUMMY.
HMM.
WOE UNTO THOSE WHO ALTER THE BLOCKS OF LIFE.
THE BLOCKS OF LIFE? THE BLOCKS OF LIFE! PINKY, NO! PINKY, THESE SYMBOLS SPELL WAKEMEUP.
[GROANS.]
AAH! AAH! [GROANS.]
AAH! AAH! AAH, AAH, AAH! PINKY! SORRY, BRAIN.
FOLLOW.
[MUMMY GROANS.]
AAH! GOT TO GET THIS THING COME ON.
AGGH! PINKY? YOUR OIL'S A LITTLE LOW, MAC.
AND YOU MIGHT WANT TO ADD SOME VINEGAR, TOO.
HA HA, NARF.
GET IN! [MUMMY GROANS.]
AAH! AAH! [GROWLS.]
OOF! YAAA! YAAA! YAAA! YAAA! [PLEASED GROWL.]
[GROWL.]
BRAIN? BRAIN? OOH, DON'T WORRY, BRAIN.
WE'LL CARRY ON.
A NEW DAY WILL DAWN.
WE'LL TAKE OVER THE WORLD SOME OTHER WAY.
WHEN DO WE START? EARL-I IN THE MORNIN' PARDON ME, BUT DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING FOR POST NASAL DRIP? TRY LEECHES.
THEY WORK FOR EVERYTHING.
[HICCUP.]
BE STILL, PINKY.
PINKY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT WILL TAKE TO BRING CIVILIZATION OUT OF THE DARK AGES? UM, [HICCUP.]
GROOVY LAVA LAMPS? A WORTHY GUESS, MY FRIEND.
BUT I WAS THINKING, RATHER, OF PERSONAL HYGIENE.
A SUBJECT, I SUSPECT, YOU KNOW PRECIOUS LITTLE ABOUT.
BATHES ONLY ONCE EVERY 6 YEARS.
BUT SOON, THE MALODOROUS MASSES WILL HAVE WHAT THEY CRAVE MOST.
OH, LOVELY RUBBER HATS WITH [HICCUP.]
SQUEAKY DUCKBILLS ON THE FRONT? NO, PINKY.
BATH WATER.
WE SHALL CONSTRUCT A MASSIVE WATER HEATER TO DELIVER HOT WATER THROUGHOUT THE LAND.
NARFETH! NO LONGER PLAGUED BY PERSISTENT BODY ODOR, THE POPULACE WILL SHOW THEIR THANKS BY GIVING ME THE KEYS TO THE KINGDOM.
EGADETH, BRAIN, BRILLIANT! OH, WAIT, WAIT, WON'T THAT COST A LOT OF MONEY? HOW EVER WILL WE EVER GET IT? I'M STILL TAKING THAT UNDER CONSIDERATION, PINKY.
MAYBE WE COULD CAPTURE ROBIN HOOD AND COLLECT THE BIG REWARD.
DON'T BE SILLY, PINKY.
WE'D NEVER[DING.]
YES! PINKY, ARE YOU PONDERING WHAT I'M PONDERING? WELL, I THINK SO-- [HICCUP.]
BUT KEVIN COSTNER NO, PINKY.
I SHALL BE ROBIN BRAIN, A NOBLE OUTLAW WHO STEALS FROM THE RICH AND GIVES TO HIMSELF.
BUT DOESN'T ROBIN HOOD GIVE TO THE POOR? YES, BUT WE DON'T WANT TO BE SUED FOR TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT.
NOW, COME.
WE MUST FIND A BAND OF MERRY MEN.
MAYHAPS THE VILLAGE PEOPLE ARE STILL IN TOWN.
[HICCUP.]
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THESE HICCUPS, BRAIN? TRY LEECHES, PINKY.
THEY WORK FOR EVERYTHING.
THE TAX FOR CROSSING YON TOLL LOG IS 5 SHILLINGS.
YO, I JUST PAID A POTHOLE TAX UP THE ROAD.
IT SEEM THE MORE I WALKETH, THE MORE I PAYETH.
THERE ARE 2 THINGS IN LIFE THOU CANNOT ESCAPE, TAXES AND BODY ODOR.
BESIDES, IT ALL GOES TO EDUCATION.
HEY! THEN HERE GOETH AN EDUCATION FOR YOU.
AAH! STEP ASIDE, LUSTY INFANT.
WE MUST PASS! I THINK NOT, TINY TOT.
I WAS HERE FIRSTETH.
THIS IS A DIAMOND LOG, GOOD FELLOW.
THOSE TRAVELING IN PAIRS ALWAYS HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY.
WELL, HERE BE MY WAY.
TAKETH THAT, KNAVE.
[GRUNTING.]
AND FURTHERMORE, THAT! OWWWW! AND YET, AD NAUSEAM, THAT! OWWW! AAAH! YAY! ZORTETH! [HICCUP.]
[PTOO.]
YOU HAVE BESTED ME, PUNY ONE.
WHAT IS THE NAME I SHOULD TELL OTHERS THAT THEY SHOULD FEAR? I AM ROBIN BRAIN.
A NOBLE OUTLAW WHO STEALS FROM THE RICH AND GIVES TO HIMSELF.
[HICCUP.]
OUCHETH.
I AM CALLED FRYER CHUCK.
A MAN OF THE CLOTH, ARE YOU? NO, I'M A FRY COOK.
WE ARE FORMING A BAND OF MEN, FRYER CHUCK, AND TOGETHER WE SHALL DISINFECT THIS LAND.
OH, GOODIE.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE IN A BAND.
HEAR ME, GOOD PEOPLE OF SHERWOOD.
ARE YOU TIRED OF OVERTAXATION? YES! YES! YES! ARE YOU TIRED OF HYPERINFLATION? ER, YES! I THINK SO.
I DON'T GET IT? WHAT DID HE SAY? ARE YOU MAD AS ALL GET OUT? [HICCUP.]
All: YES! SAY ONE, SAY YOU ALL, "I'M AS MAD AS ALL GET OUT, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!" I'M AS MAD AS ALL GET OUT, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! THEN JOIN WITH ME, ROBIN BRAIN, AND TOGETHER WE SHALL TAKE BACK THIS LAND.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
YOU SHALL BE MY MERRY MEN.
WHO YOU CALLIN' MARY? [GULP.]
HEH, HEH.
I MEAN, UH, YOU SHALL BE MY MIRTHFUL MEN? WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS THAT? WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? HEY, WHAT DOES HE TAKE US FOR? UH, BRAIN [WHISPERS.]
[HICCUPS.]
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, PINKY.
NO SELF-RESPECTING TEAM OF HEARTY HE-MEN WOULD WANT TO BE CALLED THE MIGHTY DUCKS.
I LIKE THAT.
WE'LL DO IT.
THAT SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD.
WHAT A NEAT NAME! WELL, FORTUNATELY, THAT IS TAKEN, SO YOU SHALL BE, THE MIGHTY MALLARDS! Crowd: HOORAY! MAYBE IT'S TIME WE RAISED THE SALES TAX A COUPLE OF POINTS.
THINKST THOU THE PEOPLE WILL GO FOR IT? WE'LL TELLETH THEM IT'S FOR EDUCATION.
[HORSE NEIGHS.]
[QUACK QUACK.]
[QUACK QUACK.]
[QUACK QUACK.]
[QUACK QUACK.]
THE TAXMAN COMETH, PINKY.
NOW, WE MUST LIBERATE THEIR ILL-GOTTEN BOOTY.
WON'T THAT TICKLE? [HICCUP.]
SOUND THE CHARGE.
[GASPS.]
ROBIN HOOD! THOU LOOKEST MUCH TALLER ON THY WANTED POSTERS.
I AM ROBIN BRAIN, A NOBLE OUTLAW WHO STEALS FROM THE RICH-- AND GIVES TO HIMSELF.
[QUACK.]
[HICCUP.]
[MURMURING.]
HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
ROBIN BRAIN STRIKES TERROR IN THE HEARTS OF THE RULING CLASS.
Brain: GO FORTH, MIGHTY MALLARDS, AND SELL, SELL, SELL FOR ROBIN BRAIN.
[MURMURS.]
I'M SELLING MAGAZINES FOR ROBIN BRAIN.
OH, ROBIN BRAIN I'LL TAKETH 10! NAY, 20.
CARE TO BUY A ROBIN BRAIN CRUNCH BAR? OOH! HEAR YE, HEAR YE! ROBIN BRAIN DECLARED PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE! ROBIN HOOD DEMOTED.
[LAUGHTER.]
PINKY, OUR OUTLAW DAYS ARE COMING TO AN END.
SOON WE'LL HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUILD THE WATER HEATER.
OOH, I CAN'T WAIT TO TAKE A JACUZZI, BRAIN.
[HICCUP.]
OH, OOH, THOSE LEECHES DIDN'T HELP AT ALL, BRAIN.
AND THEY TASTED ICKY.
TRY HOLDING YOUR BREATH.
FOR HOW LONG? FOREVER.
[INHALES.]
[HICCUPS.]
[INHALES.]
HA HA HA.
[ALL GASP.]
All: ROBIN HOOD! ROBIN BRAIN, I PRESUME.
I SAY, YOU LOOK MUCH TALLER ON YOUR WANTED POSTERS.
AND YOU LOOK MUCH SHORTER.
I SHOULD SUE YOU FOR TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT, ROBIN BRAIN.
YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE A CASE.
THERE IS A KEY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US.
YES, AS MY LAWYERS HAVE POINTED OUT.
I, ROBIN HOOD, ROB FROM THE RICH AND GIVE TO THE POOR.
YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, ONLY GIVE TO YOURSELF.
[GASPS.]
SHERWOOD FOREST ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR 2 OUTLAWS IN GREEN TIGHTS.
IF THAT IS A CHALLENGE, I ACCEPT.
LET THE CONTEST BEGIN.
Man: A PERFECT BULLSEYE! MATCH THAT, LITTLE MAN.
[HICCUP.]
SILENCE, PINKY! I MUST CONCENTRATE.
SORRY, BRAIN, BUT THESE HICCUPS-- WHY DON'T YOU TRY DRINKING SOMETHING UNTIL YOU EXPLODE? OK.
POITETH.
[HICCUP.]
Man: IT'S A TIE.
[CROWD CHATTERING.]
UHH! Man: ANOTHER TIE.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD MOVE THE TARGET OUT TO A FAIR DISTANCE FOR TRUE CHAMPIONS TO SHOOT AT.
HA HA HA.
IMPUDENT VARLET! SET THE TARGET BACK ANOTHER 50 PACES.
[SLURP.]
[LAUGHTER.]
WOOO, I'M CURED.
OOOH, I FEEL FUNNY.
NARFETH! HA HA HA! BEAT THAT, LITTLE MAN.
[BELCH.]
Man: ROBIN BRAIN WINS.
[CHEERING.]
GOOD MEN OF SHERWOOD, THE TIME HAS COME TO TAKE BACK WHAT WE HAVE PLUNDERED.
All: HURRAH! TOGETHER, WE SHALL WIPE OUT THE STINK THAT FOULS THE AIR OF THIS GREAT LAND.
THESE ARE LOFTY GOALS.
HOW DO YOU PROPOSE TO CLEAN UP ALL OF ENGLAND? WITH HOT WATER AND SOAP, OF COURSE.
BATHS FOR EVERYONE! [MURMURING.]
DEVIOUS KNAVES! YOU'LL KILL US ALL! KILL YOU? NO, I-- EVERYONE KNOWS THAT HOT WATER AND SOAP IS A DEADLY COMBINATION.
PINKY, IT HAS BECOME PAINFULLY OBVIOUS THAT THESE PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO TAKE A BATH.
'TIS A PITY.
GET THEM! GEE, ALL THAT WORK AND WE WIND UP TARRED AND FEATHERED.
MMM, I GUESS WE'RE THE ONES WHO'LL HAVE TO TAKE BATHS NOW, EH, BRAIN? IF I COULD MOVE MY LIMBS, I WOULD HURT YOU, PINKY.
NOW COME, WE MUST RETREAT TO THE APOTHECARY, RIP THE TAR FROM OUR BODIES, AND PREPARE FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.
WHY? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT, BRAIN? THE SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
THEY'RE DINKETH THEY'RE PINKETH AND THE BRAIN BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN [HICCUP.]
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL