Plebs (2013) s02e04 Episode Script

Oh, well, open it up a bit.
No.
Stop peering over my shoulder.
But I wanna read, too.
It's really off-putting.
So what do I do, then? You bring your own scroll.
I forgot mine, though.
If it were me, I'd open it up.
Come on, man, be sociable about it.
I don't want to be sociable when I'm reading or shitting.
That's the wrong attitude, dude.
This isn't your average in-and-out shit house.
This is an executive gentleman's toilet.
What do you reckon, G man? Does the job, doesn't it? Grumio, where did you get that apple? Found it on the side there.
And now you're eating it, are you? Clear out one end, top up the other.
That's really unhealthy.
You're always saying fruit's good for you.
Not fruit you find in a toilet.
Bloody hell, I can't win.
You can win.
You don't eat where you shit, famously.
I thought it's don't shit where you eat.
Well, either way.
Er Marcus.
What? I forgot my sponge, too.
Thanks, man.
You stupid sod, Grumio.
Marcus, please, you shouldn't speak ill of the ill.
But it's entirely his fault.
Didn't I say not to eat that bog apple? He did say.
It weren't definitely the bog apple.
Course it was, wasn't it, doctor? Your slave has all the symptoms of acute gastric infection.
Huh, and how would he have got that? Possibly from something he ate.
There we go.
The bog apple.
In your face.
It is fairly serious.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
How do I fix him? With plenty of rest.
Cool.
I'm all over that.
And a herbal remedy made from silphium extract.
It'll bring down his temperature and stabilise his gut.
OK, and where do we buy that? Well, actually, I happen to have some in stock.
Are you all right? Well, this quack's clearly trying to fleece us, isn't he? When it's perfectly obvious what's happened.
Yes.
Grumio's eaten pooey fruit.
Exactly.
And offended Hygeia Goddess of Being Clean.
Right.
To be fair, he has been offending her for quite some time.
Well, there you go.
She's finally snapped.
We need to ask for her forgiveness and maybe do a vigil.
Not stuff him with herbs.
Silphium is used by the army to fight infection.
That's pretty convincing.
We need to pray together by candle light.
Also convincing.
Obviously it's your decision.
I'd rather go with what the grownup says.
Well, how much is the medicine? 200 dinari.
Yeah.
I think we're gonna go with the prayer and candles, on balance.
Great.
Hygeia be praised.
What? Well, best of luck, then.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
You stingy bastard.
Language, Grumio.
You don't want to offend any more Gods now, do you? Salve.
Oh, thank you.
Pleasure.
Do you race? Can do.
I mean, I've been here for quite a while so I've got a bit of a head start.
Chariots.
Do you race chariots? Oh, right.
Er yeah, sort of, planning to.
This is like an idiot's guide.
Right.
Well, you certainly don't look like an idiot.
Well, I've read most of it now so maybe I'm three levels above idiot.
Glad to hear it.
I'm Stylax, by the way.
Gaius.
Very pleased to meet you.
Ooh.
What? You've got a great grip, Stylax.
Thank you very much.
Did someone teach you that? No, that's just the way I do it.
Because that's the secret to horsemanship, you realise.
Grip.
Well, maybe I'm a natural.
Maybe you are.
I have had the best day ever.
Me, too.
Where were you? You never came back from your afternoon poo.
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
That's a bit Good, isn't it? Why do people go to the gym when you can just get one of these? Is that how many muscles I'm meant to have? I guess so.
That's depressing.
Where's it from? It was a gift.
I met someone.
That's why I had to skive off work.
Course you did.
Who is she? No, it's a he.
What? A he? Yeah, it's this cool older guy called Gaius Maecenas.
He thinks I've got huge potential as a charioteer.
He bought me the metal muscles for when I race.
Right.
That's very weird.
Er no it isn't.
We just got talking in the bogs, hit it off.
The bogs? Are you serious? Yeah, why? Well, he's clearly gay, this is a gay thing.
As if.
You met an older man in a place where you had your genitals out.
And he then buys you homo erotic gifts.
Nah.
One, I chose this.
Two, it's not homo erotic, it's manly.
Clearly.
Mm.
It's a fine line.
I suggest you avoid him from now on.
No, he wants to be my patron.
He's gonna pay for my chariot lessons.
Right, yeah.
And he will expect to be repaid thoroughly.
Ha-ha-ha.
You're just jealous.
Plus, he gave me some pocket money to tide me over.
Oh, my Jove.
Yeah, I know.
Marcus, my sick pot's almost full.
So stop being sick, then.
Oh.
I could get Grumio his medicine.
Yeah.
I'd prefer to hold off on that, actually.
Me and Cynthia are doing a vigil.
Oh, right.
But will that work? I hope so.
There's a real spark between us at the moment.
I mean will it work for Grumio? Oh, right, yeah.
Dunno.
Maybe.
Anyway, he's over the worst of it.
As of now.
Divine Hygeia, you are so great.
Divine Hygeia, you are so great.
Please heal this dirty man who has turned his back on you.
Slow, steady breaths, Marcus.
Yep.
And maybe we should hold hands? Sort of combine our powers.
Oh, good idea.
Can you feel it working? Oh, yeah.
Er I'm still here.
Sorry, the vigil.
We must be vigilant.
Yes, of course.
Divine Hygeia, you are so great.
Divine Hygeia, you are so great.
I knew you'd crack it.
Didn't I tell you not to give up? You told me I should give up, as it goes, but cheers.
I presume you drugged her? You presume wrong.
Turns out religion can be very sexy.
The candle light, the petals.
The stench of Grumio's vom! Yeah, we managed to block that out.
Our eyes locked and there was this moment and I just knew what I had to do.
We'd have kept going if Grumio hasn't started hacking up bile, the inconsiderate sod.
'Ey, 'ey, he's seriously ill, dude.
He's milking it.
Where are you going? I've got to bounce.
Cover for me.
You're not meeting the gaytron again? Patron.
He's my patron.
What? Why have you got a patron? Because the guy wants to bum him.
Oh, right, well, that's fine, then.
No.
No.
He thinks I'm gonna be a great charioteer.
Has he ever seen you race? Well, no.
But he used to do it back in the day, so - So he can tell just by looking at you? He can see a bit of himself in me, yes.
Which bit of himself? Probably his knob or his fist.
Me and Gaius are just friends.
Or both his fists.
Or his head.
Just getting it right up in there till he's wearing you like a hat.
Take the hat off.
Yes, sorry.
I'm not actually wearing one.
Oh, Shredder, you've decided to come in today.
What a treat.
Actually, I've just got to nip out.
Nip out? Nip out where? To a shredding convention.
Well, that's a lie.
Water boy? He's going to see his gay patron.
Gaytron.
Patron.
Water man.
I see.
Well, you're not doing that, obviously.
In fact, I'd like you to nip out and go to my dermatologist to pick up my facial mud pack.
That's not in my job description.
Job description? Let me describe your job to you, Shredder.
Shut-y mouth, rip-y paper and do-ey what I say-ey.
No.
I won't.
I've met someone who believes in me and pays me good money, so you can take your job and shove it up your arse! On behalf of the department, I'd like to apologise.
Oh, you're representing the department now, are you? Iyes, I Oh! Then that's for you.
Ooh.
Oh.
Salve, Grumio.
All right, Landlord.
Phew! It's pretty funky in here, innit? I know, I'm funking out of every hole.
Well, in that case, it might be a good time to think about getting some life insurance.
Cool.
How does that work, then? Easy.
You pay me 25 dinari, then if you die, you get 10,000.
Bloody hell.
I know.
What if I don't die? You get nothing, but you will be alive, so, you know, it's a win-win.
Wicked.
Can I stick it on the rent? Consider it done.
Ten grand, here we come.
Why are you out of bed? Feeling better, aren't I? Looks like Hygeia let me off the hook.
Ha-ha-ha.
Don't give me that.
What really happened? Stylax bought me the medicine with his pocket money.
Turns out someone gives a shit about me after all.
OK, great.
I'm planning another vigil so I need you back in bed.
I'm not really up for another one of your grubby threesomes, ta.
I don't get much out of it.
Grumio, don't be selfish, mate.
Me selfish? I could have died.
What?! It was only a dicky tummy.
Not that you'd have noticed.
You'd have happily bummed her on top of my corpse.
Just get back in bed.
Nah.
Think I'll go for a jog.
Grumio, I could Ooh.
What's the matter, Marcus? Nothing.
I'm Ooh.
Oh, I think I'm gonna You little belter.
Well, I feel like a teenage boy.
What, now? I'm so loose.
Oh, right, yeah, me too.
Oh, it's been a great day, Stylax.
Yeah.
Thanks for paying for it.
You're really coming along.
You keep improving like this and in a few weeks, I'm gonna enter you.
What, sorry? In a race.
Oh.
In the regions at first, but soon you'll be ready for Rome.
Oh, wow! You think so? With me behind you, you could be huge.
As long as you're prepared to do what it takes? I'm giving you my patronage, but you'll have to go all out.
Do you understand? What the hell are you doing? I thought Sorry.
I'm a married man.
Are you? And a father of three.
I'm really sorry.
No.
No, you've completely misjudged this.
I just care about the racing.
Oh, no, me too.
I'm not gay.
I just thought you - Well, you thought wrong.
No.
No, this isn't gonna work.
No, no, no, no.
I've got to get out of here.
I'm really sorry.
That's it, champ.
Better out than in.
Shouldn't you be making that noise? It's his turn now.
And he's being a right drama queen about it.
I don't understand.
I've got nothing left to give and it just keeps Been there, done that, got it on the tunic.
Whoa.
You all right? I think I just chucked up an organ.
See what I mean? Bloody diva.
Just when I was getting somewhere with Cynthia.
Yeah.
I wouldn't let her see you like this, dude.
I have to.
I've got to keep the flame alive.
It's taken a year to get this far.
No, but you look really rough and you stink of death.
Really? And cabbage.
OK, well, go and get some more medicine.
Ah.
Nay.
Spent all the pocket money.
So go and get some more off your sugar daddy.
Can't.
It's over.
It's over? Why is it over? Well, I sort of lunged.
You lunged? I went at him like a goose but he didn't like it.
Why did you lunge? Because of you, because you said.
I didn't say to do that.
You kept saying he was expecting stuff so I thought I had to.
And there was this moment.
Like your moment, where our eyes locked.
Brilliant.
Anyway, who needs medicine? It's only a dicky tummy! Oh, piss off, Grumio.
This is way worse than what you had.
Go and ask Flavia for an advance.
I can't.
I quit, remember.
So un-quit.
If I don't shake this illness, Cynthia might go off me, which'll be a disaster.
And I might die.
Also pretty bad.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, 'ey up.
Don't sweat it, boss.
A couple of vigils and you'll be right as rain.
Hey.
Is Cynthia in? Why does it smell of sick? Have you been sick? A bit, but just in my mouth so it doesn't count.
Oh, have you got the lurgy, as well? Hmm.
Try not to be too upset.
What do you mean, 'as well'? Oh, no.
Have you got it, too? We must have done something to offend Hygeia.
Do you think it was when you kissed me during the vigil? That does sound offensive.
Will you go away, please, mate? Gladly.
Definitely wasn't that.
For one thing, Grumio's better, anyway.
It worked! Hygeia, be praised.
Exactly.
Hygeia, be praised.
So what you up to later? I was planning on spending the day in bed.
Hm, perfect.
I need a vigil, Marcus, not a date.
No, course.
Hopefully, Hygeia will be as kind to us as she was to Grumio.
Well, how about a joint vigil at my place, so Hygeia only has to make one visit.
I'm sure she's very busy.
OK.
Good idea.
Cool.
And later, who knows? Oh, my hands are very clammy, Marcus.
It's fine, so are mine.
And I've just been sick.
Again, so have I.
And I've got terrible diarrhoea.
Er yeah, see you later, then.
And he comes crawling back to me.
I'm sorry.
I bet.
I got you the mud pack.
Is that from my dermatologist? Uh, yeah.
So could I have my job back, then? I don't know, Shredder, can you? Cos the last I heard, your job had been shoved up my arse.
I'm really sorry about that.
Not placed or slid, but shoved.
So is there any way we could fish it out? Well, I rather think that depends on how well you fish, doesn't it? Sorry, you want me to? Fish.
Right.
Firstly, I love working here.
And I think you're great, both as a boss and as a general person.
What's the magic word, Shredder? Thin.
You're really thin.
Well, that's not what I meant, but carry on.
And your skin's all soft and tight like a drum made of peaches.
Mm, I like that.
And if I was 20 years older - 20?! Ten.
Five.
One.
Next year, I'm gonna be all over you.
I'm not gonna be able to stop myself in the corridor, in the toilets - All right, that's enough.
Kindly don't threaten me with sexual assault.
Sorry.
So can I have my job back, then, please? Fine.
Piss off before I change my mind.
Thank you.
Is there any way I could get an advance on my salary? Get out.
Ah, Stylax, thank the Gods I've found you.
Oh, Gaius.
Hi.
I told my wife about our incident in the spa.
Yeah, look, I'm sorry about that.
Oh, no, don't be.
I've left her.
You've what? So sorry I rebuffed you, you brave, beautiful boy.
I was so stupid, I-I couldn't see what was happening.
I couldn't accept what I was feeling.
Shit, you've left her? It wasn't easy.
She was screaming with wild fury and the kids were crying.
I told them, 'Daddy loves you very much but he yearns to be with Stylax.
' The thing is I'm not gay.
Yes, neither am I.
Yeah, but I'm actually not.
Look, we don't need to fight this any more.
Let's just get out of this town.
I've got a villa we can go to on Lake Como.
Sorry, Lake where? Lake Como.
And again? Lake Como.
I'm still hearing Lake Homo.
Yeah, that's what I said, Lake Como.
We could go tonight.
I believe in you.
I want to drop everything and back you to the hilt.
What do you say? You have to go.
Are you mad? If Flavia won't give you the advance, then we need him.
He wants to take me to Lake Homo.
It's Como.
Como with a C.
He's not saying the C.
I mean, this is serious, man, he wants to back me to the hilt! I need that medicine, though.
Knock, knock.
Thought I'd drop by and see the patient.
Are those grapes for me? Oh, no, no.
OK, well, thanks for your concern.
Oh, no, I'm very concerned.
I've had tenants die on me before and I don't mind telling you it's a nightmare getting bills settled.
But I've settled my bills.
Not all of them.
You owe me 25 dinari for Grumio's life insurance policy.
What? The little turd.
I'm gonna bloody kill him.
Best not, actually, he's not covered for that.
Pay up before you croak or I'll sell your corpse to the pig farm.
Tra, then.
And be lucky.
Please don't let me croak.
Landlord will feed me to pigs.
Yeah, but you'll be dead, you won't even notice.
I need that medicine, mate.
Please go to Lake Homo for me.
Just take one for the team.
It'll be more than one.
Please, mate, I'd do it for you.
I'll have this one, ta.
I'm really cold.
Here.
Ooh.
You're even colder.
So this is how we warm up.
Not now, Marcus, seeing as we might die.
Well, exactly.
If we're gonna die, we should really go for it.
Could be our last chance.
I don't think I can go for it.
So maybe just lie there and let me go for it? Right.
Who's up for a vigil? Oh, Grumio, you've got so much stuff.
Well, it's the least I could do.
You two really went for it over me.
He's so adorable.
Isn't he adorable, Marcus? Yeah.
Goddess Hygeia, this is Grumio speaking.
Evening.
How do you play this again? I don't know, I thought you knew.
No, no idea.
Right, well, let's go do something else, then.
Please forgive their dirtiness.
This one may look clean, but he's got muck stuffed in his head.
Like a poo in a shoe.
What? OK, that's enough.
Let him work, Marcus.
It could be our only hope.
Hygeia, be praised.
Hygeia, be praised.
You not going to splash her face, as well? No, just yours.
Right, that'll do.
What the hell are you doing? You can't just burst in here blowing out candles like it's your bloody birthday.
I bought the medicine.
What?! I suggest you just take it before you do yourselves some real damage.
No way.
Well.
Definitely no way? Of course.
We're mid-vigil.
I'm vigil-ing my arse off over here.
Exactly.
If it worked for Grumio, it will work for us.
Right, Marcus? Is that right, Marcus? Yes, yes it is.
Hygeia, be praised.
Hygeia, be praised.
What? What are you doing? It was the medicine.
Grumio took the medicine.
Of course the vigil doesn't do anything.
How could this possibly do anything? Apart from make you look like a stupid prick.
I see.
Ah, no.
That said, you're not a stupid prick.
You're wonderful.
Don't go.
Where you going? I'm going to pray on my own, away from this den of filth.
So why are you taking that? I'm going to pour it away.
Ah, well, you know what they say.
At least you've got your health.
You seen Stylax anywhere? I should probably tell him I don't need that money any more.
I-I'm sorry, I can't.
Stylax, where you going?! Stylax! Stylax!