Pulling (2006) s02e04 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 4
1 DANCE MUSIC Excuse me.
This is nice, isn't it? When was the last time we did this? Yeah.
There's a fair amount of talent here tonight.
- Karen.
- What? - You said this would be a girls' night.
- It is.
- It's my birthday.
You said-- - Yeah, course.
You said we would stick together and not go off with anyone.
I know.
- So you're not gonna go off with anyone? - No.
- We can have a laugh together, can't we? - Yeah.
So we're gonna stick together.
- That is the plan.
- Yes.
You're not gonna pull any blokes whatsoever - and go off with them? - No.
I'll see ya later, Louise.
I'm just gonna fuck this bloke I pulled.
[MAN SINGING DRUNKENLY.]
DONNA: Can I have a large doner, please, with extra chili sauce and garlic sauce.
No tomato, please, or onions.
Or lettuce or cabbage or anything but meat.
Do you have curry sauce? No, it's okay.
It's fine.
Oh, thanks.
What the--Wha-- Did anyone-- Did you s-- Fuck! LOUISE: You're not gonna believe this.
- She's done it again.
- I've just had my kebab stolen.
What? Oh, my God, that's terrible! He just snatched it and ran up there.
Are you okay? No, I'm not okay.
I'm really upset.
He just snatched it.
What a bastard.
That's--I can't believe you just had your bag stolen.
I didn't have my bag stolen.
I thought you said you'd had your bag stolen.
My kebab.
What? I've just been-- A man has just stolen my belongings.
Your kebab? Yeah, my property.
Your kebab? Louise, you weren't here.
You didn't experience the crime.
Crime? So, what are you gonna do, call the police? Yes.
I am.
Would all officers please drop everything they're doing and put out an all-points bulletin on a large donner ke-- It was all meat wasn't it, luv? You're making fun of me, aren't you? I was frightened and-and shocked.
I mean, doesn't that mean anything? Were you hurt? No, I wasn't hurt, not physically, but he just clutched the-the pita pocket.
He knew what he was doing.
- I think he's done this before.
- Right.
Let me give you some advice.
Go home, go to bed, sleep it off, wake up in the morning thanking your lucky stars I haven't arrested you for wasting police time, okay? Yeah, come on, Donna.
Let's go.
I don't believe this.
So he just-- I mean, he just gets away with it, does he? Scot-free.
So-so, that's the world we're living in.
I mean, someone tell me what is the difference between this andmurdering an old lady for her pension.
I mean, there is a difference.
Of course it's different.
It's completely different, but is it that different? Really? We're going home.
Don't worry, we're going.
Come on, Donna.
Yeah, I'm going.
I'm going, but I tell you what.
My faith in this country is not what it was.
A little piece of my innocence has died tonight.
You off to Karl's? Why would I be off to Karl's? You always go to Karl's when you're depressed.
I'm not depressed, Louise.
I've just lost my faith in humanity.
Anyway, I'm not gonna go and see someone who thinks I'm incapable of love.
That's just what Tanya said.
You can't trust a woman who gets her kids to lie about their age.
Just talk to him.
How can I talk to him if I'm not going round there? I'm just going for a walk.
This whole thing has really got to me.
I mean, I don't want to overplay this, but I may never be able to trust another human being again.
[SIGHS.]
Hello.
I'm Christopher.
Right.
I stayed last night.
With Karen.
You're a friend of Karen's? Am I? I don't know, Christopher.
Am I? You tell me.
You tell me what friendship is.
Is it all right if I get some Oatibix? No, no, no, come on.
Come on, time to go.
Let's move it.
I was just gonna get some break-- If you want breakfast, grab an apple, eat on the move.
You weren't supposed to fall asleep here anyway.
Oh.
Okay.
- Do you want my number? - No.
I just thought we could maybe-- I bet you did.
Come on, shake a leg.
Oh, look, I'm sorry.
I'm just a bit-- I'm not a morning person, Chris.
To be honest, people give me the creeps in the morning.
We had fun.
I just don't think, you know, Chris, you do all that stuff, exchanging numbers-- It's Christopher.
Get out.
[SIGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I don't think you made him feel shit enough about himself, Karen.
Why don't you send him a quick text saying his mum's died? What's got into you? What did you say? What did you promise me at the beginning of last night? I don't know.
I never remember anything after 7:30.
You promised me that we would stick together and not go off with any blokes.
Yeah, unless we really wanted to.
Everyone knows that only applies if you don't pull.
Well, I meant it.
I meant it under any circumstances.
Why didn't you say that, then? I did.
I said it repeatedly.
I spent all night saying it.
I wrote it down on a beer mat and made you sign it.
What is the big deal? If you got off someone, I wouldn't have minded.
I wouldn't have got off with someone.
Well, obviously.
It's not a solar eclipse.
And can you stop doing that? Belittling me and making me feel shit about myself.
Stop talking, Louise.
I got a hangover.
Oh, you're mean, you know that? You're mean to that man and you're mean to me.
You're mean to everyone, and that's why you've got a hangover.
Because you're trying to distract yourself from the fact that you're a mean-spirited, alcoholic old slag.
Look, you made me say that.
You-- - No, no, it's fine.
- I mean, look, you were-- Don't worry, Louise.
Honestly, it's fine.
I mean, as if I'd get upset about being called names by someone whose greatest achievement in life is carrying three plates at once.
I've achieved things.
You know where you are? Nowhere.
You know where you're going? Nowhere.
You know who you are? No one.
Now, you may well say the same of me, but at least I know how to have a good time.
Haven't seen you in a while.
- Where you been? - Oh, you know.
Looks neat in here.
Did you put up those shelves? Yeah.
Yeah, I did, actually.
But then, um, they broke and smashed the-- so I got Jamie round to do it properly.
Looks nice.
Looks like a proper house.
You all right? Yeah, yeah.
I just had this weird thing last night.
- What happened? - Well, all right.
But, look, don't laugh, okay, because-- It was after the pubs were closed and I was having a kebab, and this guy ran past and just grabbed it out of my hand.
- What? - Yeah, he just snatched it.
- He stole it out of my hand.
- Did you call the police? Well, yes, act-- Are you making fun? No.
I mean, what? This guy stole this kebab off you? Were you hurt? - No, but that's not-- - That's not the point.
It was a crime.
What's the difference between that and snatching an old lady's purse? - Well, that's a bit different.
- Well, yeah, it's different.
- Of course, but is it really? - That's what I said.
- What did the police say? - He laughed at me.
He what? Jesus! Was it a large kebab? Yes, it was.
I mean, I wasn't gonna eat it all, but-- That is despicable.
That is-- You're a woman on your own, and this man steals something from you.
All right, it was a kebab, but what does it have to be, a gold kebab before it's a crime? No.
No, it doesn't.
Definitely.
Legally-legally, I think all property's theft.
Everyone was laughing.
You're not laughing, are you? - No.
- No.
No.
Thanks, Karl.
What for? Just understanding.
Ah, well, you know.
Karl when I was five, my mum made a run out of chicken wire for my guinea pig in the back garden, and I used to take it out there.
But one day--and this was in the heat wave-- I forgot about it.
I left it out there for eight hours, and it baked to death.
By the time I remembered him, he looked like a hairy crabstick.
I cried for three whole weeks.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Well, look, I-I better be off.
It was because I loved him, Karl.
Thanks.
Here you go.
Sorry for the wait.
There you are.
Thanks.
Yes, sure.
Just give me one second.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
What can I get you? - Could I have a latte - Sure.
MAN: A BLT - Yeah.
- French fries [SOBBING.]
MAN: Mixed-leaf salad.
- Moved out? - KAREN: Yes.
What did you say to her? Me? What did I say to her? She called me an alcoholic old slag.
Yeah, but it was the way she said it, Donna.
This is crazy.
She's your friend.
- You've known her for years.
- I don't even like her.
Sitting there judging me, all looking at me with her eyes and things.
If I wanted someone judging me, I'd dig my mother up.
Karen, just give her a call.
Why? I don't care.
It's lovely since she's gone.
Seriously.
I'm not even thinking about it.
- What did you do today? - But you can't-- What did you do today? I went round Karl's.
I told him about the kebab incident.
So I'm going to the police station tomorrow.
- Yep.
- Yeah, make a complaint.
Not a complaint.
We just think they handled it badly.
They should take these things more seriously.
Course it is.
Karl was kind of brilliant, actually.
He just knew exactly the right thing to say.
That's the thing about Karl.
He'd always say the right thing even when it was complete rubbish.
I don't know, Karen.
It's times like this you look at your life and you just wonder-- you wonder if you made the right choices.
And I tell you something else.
If she thinks I'm apologizing, she can kiss my arse.
Right, well, I'm off out.
[TURNS OFF TELEVISION.]
Probably gonna get pissed and shag a stranger.
Then again, I might just give someone a hand job in the toilets.
The possibilities are endless.
Who needs friends when you got possibilities? Thanks for letting me stay here, Richard.
Look, I'm sure she didn't mean it.
She's just a bit of a horrible bitch.
Richard, what would you say if I told you I've got a brilliant idea? Louise, I'm sorry.
I know it's trendy, but I have no idea how to make snail porridge.
I wouldn't know where to start.
No, it's a business idea.
I've had it for years and never done anything about it because I just didn't have the courage.
But I know it's a really strong idea.
You are a clever, strong, beautiful modern woman, and you can do anything if you put your mind to it.
Yeah, but I haven't got any money or any experience or-- Neither did I when I opened the restaurant.
I was working in a post office, for God's sake.
Had no money.
I went to a friend of mine who finances business ideas, and I said to him, "You listen to me.
I have got a great idea that is gonna make both of us a lot of money, and if you don't invest right now, then you are a twat.
" The rest is history.
You really think I could do that? Yes, I really do think you could do that.
Do it now.
Live today, not tomorrow.
I believe in you.
Believe in yourself.
Believe in Louise.
Hey, hey, what's this? Thank you.
Thank you so much for believing in me.
Oh, God, of course I believe in you.
So you'll arrange the meeting, then? - What? - With your friend? This is gonna be brilliant, Richard.
Right.
Uh You are my best friend, and let me tell you, you are gonna get a slice of the action, so help me God.
When can I meet him? [SIGHS.]
Well, maybe I could set something up.
Let's do this thing.
Come on, Karen didn't mean to be cruel.
Well, obviously she did, but you should apologize to her, and then it'll all be all right again.
No.
I'm glad she said those things.
It's given me a real kick up the backside.
Things are happening for me now, Donna.
I can't go back.
Well, I support you, you know I do, and if you really feel like you need to move on, well, my room's tiny, and if yours is gonna be sitting there free Donna, it's yours.
May it bring you as much pleasure as it's brought me.
Look, do you want to sit down and have a drink on the house? You'll have to pay for it, though.
No, thanks.
I've gotta go to the station.
Yeah, sorry to hear about your kebab, Donna.
You're laughing at me.
Great.
Yeah, I lost kebab once.
Broke my heart.
Have you tried putting little posters up? "Have you seen this kebab?" Oh, so crimes against women are funny, are they? Well, I hope your mother never finds herself alone at 2:00 in the morning in front of a kebab shop.
Yeah, I like to see your mother there, too, Richard.
I give her business.
You know, in the arse.
Is joke.
Is-- Do you wish to make a complaint? No, I don't wish to make a complaint.
Right, so, what do you want? Okay, right.
What-what if it was a bag? What if it was a bag made of pita? Or what if it was pita bread, but I just kept my money in it? Did you keep your money in the pita bread? Jesus Christ, what is your problem here? Does it have to be a gold kebab before you'll do anything about it? I mean, it was meat.
It was meat, not gold.
But what is the difference? It was my meat, not his.
Look, I'm very busy, you know.
What? So-so you're just gonna-- Is that it? Is that it? Is that all I get? You're gonna walk away and let this man get away with it? That's it, is it? We descend to the law of the jungle.
Look-- People can take whatever they want, can they? If that's how it is, why don't I just take your whistle? I don't have a whistle.
Well, I'll just take your sandwich, then.
Yeah, that's it.
Now that civilization has crumbled, I'm gonna help myself to the sandwich you paid for and that is your property because that is the law of the jungle.
All right, you've made your point, okay? Now please just put my lunch down, because-- No, I'm not gonna put the sandwich down.
It's my sandwich now and I'm taking it.
I'm warning you, you step one foot outside that door-- What are you gonna do, arrest me? I can't believe they arrested you.
They cautioned me.
It's different.
You've been in there eight hours, Donna.
I'm sure Emmeline Pankhurst didn't think, "Oh, I mustn't chain myself to this horse in case I get arrested.
" She did what she had to do.
They were laughing at me, you know.
I mean, this guy steals-- I had to hold on to a wee for four hours.
There was this peephole thing.
I kept thinking someone was gonnapeep.
Oh, well, do you need to go now or? No, I did it in the end.
Just in stages.
Look, do you wanna go for a drink or something? I'd love to, but I gotta get back.
I got someone looking at the house.
I'm selling it, Donna.
That's why I was doing it up.
You're selling our--I mean, you're selling the house? Yeah, well, too big for me.
I better get back.
Okay.
Bye.
Do you want some breakfast? What? Yeah, sit down.
You can eat your apple here if you like.
With a knife.
Okay.
If you're sure.
So, what's your name, again? It's still Christopher.
Oh, yeah, course.
So, uh, what do you do, then, Christopher? Well, I work for a multimedia company, mainly in sales.
But recently I've become more involved in the creative side of things.
I mean, we've just been working on this fantastic viral for this really exciting new band.
Well, I say band, but really they're more of a collective.
We only had three grand, but by the time we'd pulled in a few favors, you know? But what I'd really like to do is-- and this is the interesting thing-- Get out.
And if these changes all work out, I don't think I'm gonna have to ask you I'm not giving you any more money.
Well, fingers crossed I won't actually be needing any I'm not giving you any more money.
So, how's your wife? Hello.
I'm Louise.
Ivor.
Pleased to meet you.
Richard.
Sorry.
This is Louise, Ivor.
And why don't you two take a seat and I'll bring us some coffees? No, I don't think we want coffees, Richard.
I'm sure you'd rather just get on with this? Well, yes.
Yes, I, uh, would.
This is an idea I've had for a very long time, but I've never had the courage to do anything about it.
But I think this could make me a lot of money, and if you invest now, I think it could make you a lot of money as well.
Sounds good.
Okay.
Great.
Let's get started.
I'm just gonna say one word.
Cockloleeze.
Cockloleeze.
So, I'm genetically incapable of love, am I? Donna, what are you talking about? Tanya said you said I'm incapable of love.
- Did you or did you not say that? - Right.
Number one, she's taken that completely out of context.
How am I incapable of love, Karl? I was with you for five years.
When you got depressed and you put on all that weight, I stuck by you.
You really porked out, Karl.
- Is that incapable of love? - Donna-- And when your friend from school died-- who you hardly bloody knew, by the way-- who held your hand when you cried? Did I judge you? No.
- Is that incapable of love? - I don't know.
It just looked like you were having a shit time.
- I felt like I was always letting you down.
- Why? Because you used to say, "You're always letting me down.
" Jesus, Donna, I felt like you were gonna dump me from the moment we got together.
Every time I said I loved you, you said, "Thanks.
" So you're just gonna sell it, the house we bought together? We didn't buy it together.
You dumped me at the altar before we got a chance to buy it together, remember? We looked at it together, got the survey done together.
Doesn't that mean-- surely that means something? One minute you're all, "I understand about the kebab" and the next you're selling the house.
I don't understand, Donna.
What is it you want? I don't want anything, okay? I don't need anything from you at all.
I'm not perfect, Karl.
I know that.
But the things you said about me, I would never, ever say those things about you.
So you don't need to worry, because you've seen the last of me.
I will never ask anything of you again.
Cockloleeze are in essence frozen ice lollies in the shape of Of a cock? Of a cock, yes.
Four flavors, three sizes, one product.
This is gonna be huge.
I've researched this in detail.
They're incredibly easy to make, incredibly cheap to produce.
Once we start manufacturing them in bulk, there's something like a 400% markup.
We can make these with all-natural ingredients and using recycled pulps for the sticks, so it's good for you, it's good for me, and it's good for the environment as well.
But, look, why sit here listening to me when we can let cockloleeze do the talking? As the saying goes, suck it and see.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
It's him.
It's-it's the man-- the man I--the man who-- - You know, he-- - What? The man who stole my fucking--the kebab man! - What? Really? - Yeah, he's at the bus stop, sitting in broad daylight, happy as you like, rubbing my face in it! - Let's get him.
- What? Yeah, go on.
Go there and punish him.
Right, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
I'm gonna-- - Come on! Hang on, Donna.
I gotta get psyched.
Get psyched on the way, Karl.
He's gonna get the bus.
I'm talking Mardis Gras, I'm talking gay pride, I'm talking Love Parade.
Worldwide we are talking over 175 gay festivals a year.
And it's not just festivals, because if we can get concessions in clubs, we've got a very steady income stream.
I mean, we're gonna start small, obviously, but this is just to let you know I'm serious about the potential of this.
Right.
But it doesn't end there.
Because it's not just gays that like cock.
Women like cock, too.
Ibiza, Magaluf, Ayia Napa.
I could go on.
But this doesn't even scratch the surface.
If I have my way, in five years' time there will not be a hen party in this country that's not sucking on one of those babies.
In short, Ivor, it is my mission to turn cockloleeze into a global phenomenon.
Ivor, I have to say I had no idea - This was gonna be so-- - This is brilliant.
So brilliant.
Yes, well done, Louise.
- Can we get a joke on this stick? - Absolutely.
There's a company in Birmingham, that's all they do.
I'm impressed.
I'm very impressed.
This is good.
But are you up for this? This is about you, Louise.
I'm investing in you as much as cockloleeze.
Can I invest in you, Louise? Yes.
Yes, you can.
Absolutely.
Good.
I want to run this past my business partner, but that shouldn't be a problem.
I want to get things moving on this, so shall we say seven? - Too soon? - Not soon enough.
Seven, yes.
Thank you, Ivor.
I want a 50-50 split.
Oh, I bet you do, but, uh, we'll talk about that later.
Well done.
And well done you, Richard.
Is that how much it was? £4, £4.
50.
Yes.
Yes, it's all there.
Right.
If I ever, ever catch you round here stealing anyone's food again, you understand? Now get your fucking bus.
Right, we'll probably order food a bit later, but right now just coffees, yeah? So it'll be two Yeah.
Shut up a minute.
So you staying at Richard's? It's not the same without you in the house.
We've run out of milk.
Look, I'm really sorry for saying all that stuff about you going nowhere.
It's not true, honestly.
I mean, if anyone's going nowhere, well, it's Donna.
Actually, what you said really helped.
Made me realize I've just been treading water.
But I've taken the first step, Karen.
I'm starting a business.
- Cockloleeze? - Yeah.
I am so proud of you.
I was wrong, Louise.
I shouldn't have gone off with that bloke.
He was a tosser.
Let's get a drink.
Celebrate.
Just you and me, no men.
No, I've got my meeting with the money men tonight.
I gotta keep clear-headed.
This is my big chance.
Yeah, course.
Course you do.
Tell you what.
Why don't I buy you dinner? No booze, not even in the sauce.
[LAUGHS.]
Did you see him give me the finger from the back of the bus? - Was he? - Yeah, he was giving all that.
Cheeky bastard.
He wasn't doing that when you had him by the neck.
Ah, well, you know.
You were great.
And, look, sorry about all that stuff at the door.
It just threw me a bit, you know, selling the house.
Listen, Donna, whatever I said to Tanya, I don't know.
It's just not what I think.
You're a good person.
Maybe.
So you're definitely selling, then? Yeah, I am.
It's probably for the best.
Right.
I'm off.
Might get a kebab on my way home.
Look, thanks.
This girl, I fuckin' love this one.
Louise? Get up.
Get up! Get up if we're going to Manhattan's.
Don't worry.
I'm sticking to this one like glue.
This is nice, isn't it? When was the last time we did this? Yeah.
There's a fair amount of talent here tonight.
- Karen.
- What? - You said this would be a girls' night.
- It is.
- It's my birthday.
You said-- - Yeah, course.
You said we would stick together and not go off with anyone.
I know.
- So you're not gonna go off with anyone? - No.
- We can have a laugh together, can't we? - Yeah.
So we're gonna stick together.
- That is the plan.
- Yes.
You're not gonna pull any blokes whatsoever - and go off with them? - No.
I'll see ya later, Louise.
I'm just gonna fuck this bloke I pulled.
[MAN SINGING DRUNKENLY.]
DONNA: Can I have a large doner, please, with extra chili sauce and garlic sauce.
No tomato, please, or onions.
Or lettuce or cabbage or anything but meat.
Do you have curry sauce? No, it's okay.
It's fine.
Oh, thanks.
What the--Wha-- Did anyone-- Did you s-- Fuck! LOUISE: You're not gonna believe this.
- She's done it again.
- I've just had my kebab stolen.
What? Oh, my God, that's terrible! He just snatched it and ran up there.
Are you okay? No, I'm not okay.
I'm really upset.
He just snatched it.
What a bastard.
That's--I can't believe you just had your bag stolen.
I didn't have my bag stolen.
I thought you said you'd had your bag stolen.
My kebab.
What? I've just been-- A man has just stolen my belongings.
Your kebab? Yeah, my property.
Your kebab? Louise, you weren't here.
You didn't experience the crime.
Crime? So, what are you gonna do, call the police? Yes.
I am.
Would all officers please drop everything they're doing and put out an all-points bulletin on a large donner ke-- It was all meat wasn't it, luv? You're making fun of me, aren't you? I was frightened and-and shocked.
I mean, doesn't that mean anything? Were you hurt? No, I wasn't hurt, not physically, but he just clutched the-the pita pocket.
He knew what he was doing.
- I think he's done this before.
- Right.
Let me give you some advice.
Go home, go to bed, sleep it off, wake up in the morning thanking your lucky stars I haven't arrested you for wasting police time, okay? Yeah, come on, Donna.
Let's go.
I don't believe this.
So he just-- I mean, he just gets away with it, does he? Scot-free.
So-so, that's the world we're living in.
I mean, someone tell me what is the difference between this andmurdering an old lady for her pension.
I mean, there is a difference.
Of course it's different.
It's completely different, but is it that different? Really? We're going home.
Don't worry, we're going.
Come on, Donna.
Yeah, I'm going.
I'm going, but I tell you what.
My faith in this country is not what it was.
A little piece of my innocence has died tonight.
You off to Karl's? Why would I be off to Karl's? You always go to Karl's when you're depressed.
I'm not depressed, Louise.
I've just lost my faith in humanity.
Anyway, I'm not gonna go and see someone who thinks I'm incapable of love.
That's just what Tanya said.
You can't trust a woman who gets her kids to lie about their age.
Just talk to him.
How can I talk to him if I'm not going round there? I'm just going for a walk.
This whole thing has really got to me.
I mean, I don't want to overplay this, but I may never be able to trust another human being again.
[SIGHS.]
Hello.
I'm Christopher.
Right.
I stayed last night.
With Karen.
You're a friend of Karen's? Am I? I don't know, Christopher.
Am I? You tell me.
You tell me what friendship is.
Is it all right if I get some Oatibix? No, no, no, come on.
Come on, time to go.
Let's move it.
I was just gonna get some break-- If you want breakfast, grab an apple, eat on the move.
You weren't supposed to fall asleep here anyway.
Oh.
Okay.
- Do you want my number? - No.
I just thought we could maybe-- I bet you did.
Come on, shake a leg.
Oh, look, I'm sorry.
I'm just a bit-- I'm not a morning person, Chris.
To be honest, people give me the creeps in the morning.
We had fun.
I just don't think, you know, Chris, you do all that stuff, exchanging numbers-- It's Christopher.
Get out.
[SIGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I don't think you made him feel shit enough about himself, Karen.
Why don't you send him a quick text saying his mum's died? What's got into you? What did you say? What did you promise me at the beginning of last night? I don't know.
I never remember anything after 7:30.
You promised me that we would stick together and not go off with any blokes.
Yeah, unless we really wanted to.
Everyone knows that only applies if you don't pull.
Well, I meant it.
I meant it under any circumstances.
Why didn't you say that, then? I did.
I said it repeatedly.
I spent all night saying it.
I wrote it down on a beer mat and made you sign it.
What is the big deal? If you got off someone, I wouldn't have minded.
I wouldn't have got off with someone.
Well, obviously.
It's not a solar eclipse.
And can you stop doing that? Belittling me and making me feel shit about myself.
Stop talking, Louise.
I got a hangover.
Oh, you're mean, you know that? You're mean to that man and you're mean to me.
You're mean to everyone, and that's why you've got a hangover.
Because you're trying to distract yourself from the fact that you're a mean-spirited, alcoholic old slag.
Look, you made me say that.
You-- - No, no, it's fine.
- I mean, look, you were-- Don't worry, Louise.
Honestly, it's fine.
I mean, as if I'd get upset about being called names by someone whose greatest achievement in life is carrying three plates at once.
I've achieved things.
You know where you are? Nowhere.
You know where you're going? Nowhere.
You know who you are? No one.
Now, you may well say the same of me, but at least I know how to have a good time.
Haven't seen you in a while.
- Where you been? - Oh, you know.
Looks neat in here.
Did you put up those shelves? Yeah.
Yeah, I did, actually.
But then, um, they broke and smashed the-- so I got Jamie round to do it properly.
Looks nice.
Looks like a proper house.
You all right? Yeah, yeah.
I just had this weird thing last night.
- What happened? - Well, all right.
But, look, don't laugh, okay, because-- It was after the pubs were closed and I was having a kebab, and this guy ran past and just grabbed it out of my hand.
- What? - Yeah, he just snatched it.
- He stole it out of my hand.
- Did you call the police? Well, yes, act-- Are you making fun? No.
I mean, what? This guy stole this kebab off you? Were you hurt? - No, but that's not-- - That's not the point.
It was a crime.
What's the difference between that and snatching an old lady's purse? - Well, that's a bit different.
- Well, yeah, it's different.
- Of course, but is it really? - That's what I said.
- What did the police say? - He laughed at me.
He what? Jesus! Was it a large kebab? Yes, it was.
I mean, I wasn't gonna eat it all, but-- That is despicable.
That is-- You're a woman on your own, and this man steals something from you.
All right, it was a kebab, but what does it have to be, a gold kebab before it's a crime? No.
No, it doesn't.
Definitely.
Legally-legally, I think all property's theft.
Everyone was laughing.
You're not laughing, are you? - No.
- No.
No.
Thanks, Karl.
What for? Just understanding.
Ah, well, you know.
Karl when I was five, my mum made a run out of chicken wire for my guinea pig in the back garden, and I used to take it out there.
But one day--and this was in the heat wave-- I forgot about it.
I left it out there for eight hours, and it baked to death.
By the time I remembered him, he looked like a hairy crabstick.
I cried for three whole weeks.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Well, look, I-I better be off.
It was because I loved him, Karl.
Thanks.
Here you go.
Sorry for the wait.
There you are.
Thanks.
Yes, sure.
Just give me one second.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
What can I get you? - Could I have a latte - Sure.
MAN: A BLT - Yeah.
- French fries [SOBBING.]
MAN: Mixed-leaf salad.
- Moved out? - KAREN: Yes.
What did you say to her? Me? What did I say to her? She called me an alcoholic old slag.
Yeah, but it was the way she said it, Donna.
This is crazy.
She's your friend.
- You've known her for years.
- I don't even like her.
Sitting there judging me, all looking at me with her eyes and things.
If I wanted someone judging me, I'd dig my mother up.
Karen, just give her a call.
Why? I don't care.
It's lovely since she's gone.
Seriously.
I'm not even thinking about it.
- What did you do today? - But you can't-- What did you do today? I went round Karl's.
I told him about the kebab incident.
So I'm going to the police station tomorrow.
- Yep.
- Yeah, make a complaint.
Not a complaint.
We just think they handled it badly.
They should take these things more seriously.
Course it is.
Karl was kind of brilliant, actually.
He just knew exactly the right thing to say.
That's the thing about Karl.
He'd always say the right thing even when it was complete rubbish.
I don't know, Karen.
It's times like this you look at your life and you just wonder-- you wonder if you made the right choices.
And I tell you something else.
If she thinks I'm apologizing, she can kiss my arse.
Right, well, I'm off out.
[TURNS OFF TELEVISION.]
Probably gonna get pissed and shag a stranger.
Then again, I might just give someone a hand job in the toilets.
The possibilities are endless.
Who needs friends when you got possibilities? Thanks for letting me stay here, Richard.
Look, I'm sure she didn't mean it.
She's just a bit of a horrible bitch.
Richard, what would you say if I told you I've got a brilliant idea? Louise, I'm sorry.
I know it's trendy, but I have no idea how to make snail porridge.
I wouldn't know where to start.
No, it's a business idea.
I've had it for years and never done anything about it because I just didn't have the courage.
But I know it's a really strong idea.
You are a clever, strong, beautiful modern woman, and you can do anything if you put your mind to it.
Yeah, but I haven't got any money or any experience or-- Neither did I when I opened the restaurant.
I was working in a post office, for God's sake.
Had no money.
I went to a friend of mine who finances business ideas, and I said to him, "You listen to me.
I have got a great idea that is gonna make both of us a lot of money, and if you don't invest right now, then you are a twat.
" The rest is history.
You really think I could do that? Yes, I really do think you could do that.
Do it now.
Live today, not tomorrow.
I believe in you.
Believe in yourself.
Believe in Louise.
Hey, hey, what's this? Thank you.
Thank you so much for believing in me.
Oh, God, of course I believe in you.
So you'll arrange the meeting, then? - What? - With your friend? This is gonna be brilliant, Richard.
Right.
Uh You are my best friend, and let me tell you, you are gonna get a slice of the action, so help me God.
When can I meet him? [SIGHS.]
Well, maybe I could set something up.
Let's do this thing.
Come on, Karen didn't mean to be cruel.
Well, obviously she did, but you should apologize to her, and then it'll all be all right again.
No.
I'm glad she said those things.
It's given me a real kick up the backside.
Things are happening for me now, Donna.
I can't go back.
Well, I support you, you know I do, and if you really feel like you need to move on, well, my room's tiny, and if yours is gonna be sitting there free Donna, it's yours.
May it bring you as much pleasure as it's brought me.
Look, do you want to sit down and have a drink on the house? You'll have to pay for it, though.
No, thanks.
I've gotta go to the station.
Yeah, sorry to hear about your kebab, Donna.
You're laughing at me.
Great.
Yeah, I lost kebab once.
Broke my heart.
Have you tried putting little posters up? "Have you seen this kebab?" Oh, so crimes against women are funny, are they? Well, I hope your mother never finds herself alone at 2:00 in the morning in front of a kebab shop.
Yeah, I like to see your mother there, too, Richard.
I give her business.
You know, in the arse.
Is joke.
Is-- Do you wish to make a complaint? No, I don't wish to make a complaint.
Right, so, what do you want? Okay, right.
What-what if it was a bag? What if it was a bag made of pita? Or what if it was pita bread, but I just kept my money in it? Did you keep your money in the pita bread? Jesus Christ, what is your problem here? Does it have to be a gold kebab before you'll do anything about it? I mean, it was meat.
It was meat, not gold.
But what is the difference? It was my meat, not his.
Look, I'm very busy, you know.
What? So-so you're just gonna-- Is that it? Is that it? Is that all I get? You're gonna walk away and let this man get away with it? That's it, is it? We descend to the law of the jungle.
Look-- People can take whatever they want, can they? If that's how it is, why don't I just take your whistle? I don't have a whistle.
Well, I'll just take your sandwich, then.
Yeah, that's it.
Now that civilization has crumbled, I'm gonna help myself to the sandwich you paid for and that is your property because that is the law of the jungle.
All right, you've made your point, okay? Now please just put my lunch down, because-- No, I'm not gonna put the sandwich down.
It's my sandwich now and I'm taking it.
I'm warning you, you step one foot outside that door-- What are you gonna do, arrest me? I can't believe they arrested you.
They cautioned me.
It's different.
You've been in there eight hours, Donna.
I'm sure Emmeline Pankhurst didn't think, "Oh, I mustn't chain myself to this horse in case I get arrested.
" She did what she had to do.
They were laughing at me, you know.
I mean, this guy steals-- I had to hold on to a wee for four hours.
There was this peephole thing.
I kept thinking someone was gonnapeep.
Oh, well, do you need to go now or? No, I did it in the end.
Just in stages.
Look, do you wanna go for a drink or something? I'd love to, but I gotta get back.
I got someone looking at the house.
I'm selling it, Donna.
That's why I was doing it up.
You're selling our--I mean, you're selling the house? Yeah, well, too big for me.
I better get back.
Okay.
Bye.
Do you want some breakfast? What? Yeah, sit down.
You can eat your apple here if you like.
With a knife.
Okay.
If you're sure.
So, what's your name, again? It's still Christopher.
Oh, yeah, course.
So, uh, what do you do, then, Christopher? Well, I work for a multimedia company, mainly in sales.
But recently I've become more involved in the creative side of things.
I mean, we've just been working on this fantastic viral for this really exciting new band.
Well, I say band, but really they're more of a collective.
We only had three grand, but by the time we'd pulled in a few favors, you know? But what I'd really like to do is-- and this is the interesting thing-- Get out.
And if these changes all work out, I don't think I'm gonna have to ask you I'm not giving you any more money.
Well, fingers crossed I won't actually be needing any I'm not giving you any more money.
So, how's your wife? Hello.
I'm Louise.
Ivor.
Pleased to meet you.
Richard.
Sorry.
This is Louise, Ivor.
And why don't you two take a seat and I'll bring us some coffees? No, I don't think we want coffees, Richard.
I'm sure you'd rather just get on with this? Well, yes.
Yes, I, uh, would.
This is an idea I've had for a very long time, but I've never had the courage to do anything about it.
But I think this could make me a lot of money, and if you invest now, I think it could make you a lot of money as well.
Sounds good.
Okay.
Great.
Let's get started.
I'm just gonna say one word.
Cockloleeze.
Cockloleeze.
So, I'm genetically incapable of love, am I? Donna, what are you talking about? Tanya said you said I'm incapable of love.
- Did you or did you not say that? - Right.
Number one, she's taken that completely out of context.
How am I incapable of love, Karl? I was with you for five years.
When you got depressed and you put on all that weight, I stuck by you.
You really porked out, Karl.
- Is that incapable of love? - Donna-- And when your friend from school died-- who you hardly bloody knew, by the way-- who held your hand when you cried? Did I judge you? No.
- Is that incapable of love? - I don't know.
It just looked like you were having a shit time.
- I felt like I was always letting you down.
- Why? Because you used to say, "You're always letting me down.
" Jesus, Donna, I felt like you were gonna dump me from the moment we got together.
Every time I said I loved you, you said, "Thanks.
" So you're just gonna sell it, the house we bought together? We didn't buy it together.
You dumped me at the altar before we got a chance to buy it together, remember? We looked at it together, got the survey done together.
Doesn't that mean-- surely that means something? One minute you're all, "I understand about the kebab" and the next you're selling the house.
I don't understand, Donna.
What is it you want? I don't want anything, okay? I don't need anything from you at all.
I'm not perfect, Karl.
I know that.
But the things you said about me, I would never, ever say those things about you.
So you don't need to worry, because you've seen the last of me.
I will never ask anything of you again.
Cockloleeze are in essence frozen ice lollies in the shape of Of a cock? Of a cock, yes.
Four flavors, three sizes, one product.
This is gonna be huge.
I've researched this in detail.
They're incredibly easy to make, incredibly cheap to produce.
Once we start manufacturing them in bulk, there's something like a 400% markup.
We can make these with all-natural ingredients and using recycled pulps for the sticks, so it's good for you, it's good for me, and it's good for the environment as well.
But, look, why sit here listening to me when we can let cockloleeze do the talking? As the saying goes, suck it and see.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
It's him.
It's-it's the man-- the man I--the man who-- - You know, he-- - What? The man who stole my fucking--the kebab man! - What? Really? - Yeah, he's at the bus stop, sitting in broad daylight, happy as you like, rubbing my face in it! - Let's get him.
- What? Yeah, go on.
Go there and punish him.
Right, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
I'm gonna-- - Come on! Hang on, Donna.
I gotta get psyched.
Get psyched on the way, Karl.
He's gonna get the bus.
I'm talking Mardis Gras, I'm talking gay pride, I'm talking Love Parade.
Worldwide we are talking over 175 gay festivals a year.
And it's not just festivals, because if we can get concessions in clubs, we've got a very steady income stream.
I mean, we're gonna start small, obviously, but this is just to let you know I'm serious about the potential of this.
Right.
But it doesn't end there.
Because it's not just gays that like cock.
Women like cock, too.
Ibiza, Magaluf, Ayia Napa.
I could go on.
But this doesn't even scratch the surface.
If I have my way, in five years' time there will not be a hen party in this country that's not sucking on one of those babies.
In short, Ivor, it is my mission to turn cockloleeze into a global phenomenon.
Ivor, I have to say I had no idea - This was gonna be so-- - This is brilliant.
So brilliant.
Yes, well done, Louise.
- Can we get a joke on this stick? - Absolutely.
There's a company in Birmingham, that's all they do.
I'm impressed.
I'm very impressed.
This is good.
But are you up for this? This is about you, Louise.
I'm investing in you as much as cockloleeze.
Can I invest in you, Louise? Yes.
Yes, you can.
Absolutely.
Good.
I want to run this past my business partner, but that shouldn't be a problem.
I want to get things moving on this, so shall we say seven? - Too soon? - Not soon enough.
Seven, yes.
Thank you, Ivor.
I want a 50-50 split.
Oh, I bet you do, but, uh, we'll talk about that later.
Well done.
And well done you, Richard.
Is that how much it was? £4, £4.
50.
Yes.
Yes, it's all there.
Right.
If I ever, ever catch you round here stealing anyone's food again, you understand? Now get your fucking bus.
Right, we'll probably order food a bit later, but right now just coffees, yeah? So it'll be two Yeah.
Shut up a minute.
So you staying at Richard's? It's not the same without you in the house.
We've run out of milk.
Look, I'm really sorry for saying all that stuff about you going nowhere.
It's not true, honestly.
I mean, if anyone's going nowhere, well, it's Donna.
Actually, what you said really helped.
Made me realize I've just been treading water.
But I've taken the first step, Karen.
I'm starting a business.
- Cockloleeze? - Yeah.
I am so proud of you.
I was wrong, Louise.
I shouldn't have gone off with that bloke.
He was a tosser.
Let's get a drink.
Celebrate.
Just you and me, no men.
No, I've got my meeting with the money men tonight.
I gotta keep clear-headed.
This is my big chance.
Yeah, course.
Course you do.
Tell you what.
Why don't I buy you dinner? No booze, not even in the sauce.
[LAUGHS.]
Did you see him give me the finger from the back of the bus? - Was he? - Yeah, he was giving all that.
Cheeky bastard.
He wasn't doing that when you had him by the neck.
Ah, well, you know.
You were great.
And, look, sorry about all that stuff at the door.
It just threw me a bit, you know, selling the house.
Listen, Donna, whatever I said to Tanya, I don't know.
It's just not what I think.
You're a good person.
Maybe.
So you're definitely selling, then? Yeah, I am.
It's probably for the best.
Right.
I'm off.
Might get a kebab on my way home.
Look, thanks.
This girl, I fuckin' love this one.
Louise? Get up.
Get up! Get up if we're going to Manhattan's.
Don't worry.
I'm sticking to this one like glue.