Raising Hope s02e04 Episode Script

Whoo Here we go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Virginia! Your cousin Delilah sent you a cardboard chicken! Damn.
Chickens with DVDs inside of 'em.
Technology's moving too fast for me.
(sighs) (orchestra plays grand theme) Well, here we go.
America's ugliest home videos.
Hear ye, hear ye! There's gonna be a grand ball, because this princess has finally found her Prince Charming.
(cash register bell dings) No we are sparing no expenses since my Air Force officer just got a big fat bonus for well, I can't tell you why, but let's just say the Israelis are gonna get blamed for it.
Now, I know not all of you have the money to fly to Las Vegas.
Especially my cousin Virginia.
Although I don't know why people just can't fly Southwest since their fares are so low.
Virginia, maybe you could sneak into someone's suitcase since on Southwest, bags fly for free.
(gasping, magical dinging) (Delilah and Hope laugh) Birds! 're not to Veg.
Delilah only invited us to her wedding for the same reason she used to invite me to all her parties.
Just to humiliate me.
Oh, I just love it! I want to thank you all so much for the amazing gifts.
I love these new clothes.
And my cousin Ginny should thank you, too, 'cause she gets all my old ones, 'cause she's poor.
Now, who's ready to dance?! (thudding, women gasping) (grunting) Yeah, but you're kids then.
You can handle her now.
I don't care.
We're not going to that wedding.
I hate her, plus, you're addicteto gambling.
Really? Are you addicted to gambling? No, but pantly Virginia's addicted to making me look bad in front of company.
We're not going.
Oh, come on! There's other things to do in Vegas.
You said you always wanted to see Paris.
They got one there.
Wyatt went to Vegas once.
When he got back, he wouldn't tell me anything about his trip.
He just kept saying, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
" Cool.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, because wild things happen there that you wouldn't want people to know about.
That's clever.
You know what? I would love to do something in Vegas that has to stay in Vegas.
Then I could say it to him.
- You could come with me.
- You gonna go? I didn't really think you were the Vegas type.
That's because you only really know Daddy Jimmy.
You don't know "sex in the back of my van with a serial killer Jimmy.
" I used to be a wild man before this little ball-and-chain came and threw a wet blanket on my party fire.
Oh.
She is cute, though, isn't she? Oh, Daddy can't do nothing anymore now you came along, you little cutie patootie.
(talking baby talk) You need to party.
Oh, I do.
(laughing) (grunting) I'm starting to think I should go to Vegas for the wedding.
I mean, the magic eight ball says, "Ask me later," but I don't have time for that.
Oh, yeah, you can't be on the eight ball schedule.
You got to live your life.
If I don't go, Delilah wins.
She'll always have the satisfaction of knowing that she shamed me into staying away, right? Right.
Yes.
Yes! We are going Or maybe not.
Maybe I'm overthinking it.
I think I am.
I think I'm overthinking it.
No.
I'm not going.
Never mind.
(gasps) Wow.
What a dream.
I dreamt the donkey from Shrek said I shouldn't go to the wedding.
But then, naked Obama said I have to go, or else Delilah wins.
So, we're going? Not you.
Obama says I should go to Vegas.
He says you should stay home 'cause of your gambling problem.
(sighs) Aw, you told him, too? Well, I had to make small talk.
He was naked.
(sniffles) It was awkward.
Well, it took three hours, but the Ouija board just more or less spelled out the following "Delilah is going to be flaunting "her new husband in front of me without you there.
"She'll probably think our marriage is in trouble, "since I can't tell her you stayed home because of a gambling problem.
" I mean, I had to fill in the blanks, but that's the gist of it.
Anyway, you have to come with me.
But you're not allowed to carry any cash.
Ouija says I hold the money.
We are going to Vegas.
Sorry.
Dropping off Maw Maw and Hope at Shelley's took longer than I though Shelley was in the middle of shooting this internet video tutorial on how to change a colostomy bag.
Really makes you appreciate having an anus.
(doorbell rings) (with Russian accent) I am ready for fun of Vegas clubs and dancing with high rollers.
(sighs) I have special alter ego named Natasha for Las Vegas wild time.
Okay.
I I was just gonna be Jimmy.
You will be Jimmy, who has mail-order bride from Russia, who is also possibly spy.
Hey, guys, notice anything different? Do you, uh uh? Mm, nope.
New hair clip? Good.
I did a little spray tan, but I tried to keep it subtle.
Look at it.
It's beautiful and sparkling.
Like what I always imagined Cher's living room would look like.
Check out the cool moves on those handsome capitalist bartenders.
Wait a minute.
Something's different about you.
What happened to your tan? Oh, that stupid cheap tan spray washed off.
I had to leave a note for the maid explaining why the bottom of the shower was brown.
Whoa, people tip big here.
Guy just gave that waitress ten bucks.
Ooh.
Don't order drinks from the waitresses.
We don't have to.
We have all those free bottles of booze in that little refrigerator in our room.
DELILAH: Virginia! Burt! I'm looking down on you.
So is probably everyone else around you.
(laugh) Hey, I'll be right down.
(Delilah whooping) O.
M.
Ginny, you're here! No way! This is just a wonderful surprise.
How the heck did you pay for plane tickets? Took the bus.
A flying bus, which is what we call planes.
It's a regional term.
Well, whatever lie you want to go with is fine with me.
I am just so glad you're here.
Are you kidding? After all these years of waiting and waiting for someone to ask you.
Nothing could keep me from your wedding, unless I died of old age before it happened.
Well, by looking at your crow's-feet, we were cutting it pretty close.
(laughs) Tomorrow is gonna be so incredible.
Just like we used to dream about as kids.
And I'm gonna get married in Vegas at the Rio.
I'm gonna have a beautiful wedding dress.
Spandex, but classy.
Well, mine's gonna be that hyper-colored material that changes color when you touch it, so you can see my husband's hot handprints on my butt.
Well, my wedding dress is going to be bedazzled from head-to-toe with an eight-foot train.
Well, mine's gonna be beaded with real antique Spanish coins and have an 80-foot train, and the back of it is gonna be held aloft by Michael Jackson.
(sighs) Now, did you guys ever take the timeout to have an actual wedding or were you too focused on your career as a toilet scrubber? Oh, no, we had a wedding.
It was quite a fancy affair.
You may kiss the bride.
(gasps) Is this the line for clean needle exchange? Yes, we had a very classy wedding.
Delilah, get over here! The bartender says you can't do a shot out of his belly button.
Apparently, he's an outie.
I can make it work.
I got a trick I can do with those.
Why did you lie about our wedding? Did you not like our wedding? You never said anything at the time.
Well, what good would it have done? We didn't have any money.
Hey, cuz, we're on our way out to my bachelorette night.
Why don't you come with us? That sounds great.
Be right there.
Oh, you're just blowing me off tonight? Is this 'cause you're mad about our wedding? Baby, I got to go.
Otherwise, she'll be talking trash about me the whole time, without me there to defend myself.
I bet she's doing it already right now.
Hey, I'm not a slut! I'm not poor! And my feet are normal-sized! (hoots) I'm sorry, baby.
I got to go.
Hey, uh, you're coming to a bachelorette party.
JIMMY: No, she's not going with you.
We're gonna have a wild night in Vegas to get back at Wyatt.
No, I need backup.
Besides, what's more wild than a bachelorette party? I'm gonna go with her.
Mom's not being very nice today.
Yeah, her cousin brings in out in her.
I think know how to make her feel better.
We're gonna give your mom the kind of beautiful, fancy-pants wedding she's always dreamed of.
- How are we gonna do that? - We're gonna make some money.
How? I mean, you promised Mom you weren't gonna gamble.
There's other ways of making money in Vegas.
Okay.
Did someone order a gin and tonic? All right.
Wow.
One dollar down, $2,499 to go.
Ok, who ordered the, uh almondy-tasting fizztery watery thing? Looks like there's milk in it? Nobody? Clean your slot screen, ma'am? Can't win if you can't see.
We work on tips.
What happened to the garnish tray? Cigars? Cigarettes? Cheries? Olives? Lemon twists? Are there any gentlemen who care to purchase a stirry stick for the ladies? (grunts) I think I got that knot out.
Now, who's next? I will do feet along as you keep ur socks on.
(laughter) Okay, okay.
I never let a guy handcuff me the bed.
(laughter) (laughter continues) I have never slept with Russian hockey team.
Ha! I lie! I slept with them! It was miracle on ice! (laughter) Ok, okay, okay.
(clears throat) I never got knocked up in high school.
(laughter) Fine.
I never stole Delilah's teenage crush and rocked his world in the wave pool until he forgot she even existed! Oh, wait.
That's me again.
(laughing) (clears throat) DELILAH: Well, it certainly didn't work out better for me, marrying a military hero who was the first one in when they found where Saddam Hussein hid the crown jewels.
(laughter, whooping) Don't tell me that war was a mistake! (laughter continues) Don't worry, maybe you'll get lucky and your husband will clean the pool of an Iraqi dictator one day.
(laughter) (mocking laughter) (laughter, whooping) I can't beat her.
It's like every time I make a joke, she turns it into a straight line for an even better joke.
It's like she has writers or something.
Let's get out of here.
(knocking) Excuse me.
We've had a noise complaint.
It is way too quiet in here.
(dance music playing) (whooping, cheering) Oh, my God.
The security guard is also a stripper.
Could it get any cheese in than Why can't I stop dancing? And it's raining, it's raining and it stops.
Thank you for the repeat business, sir.
- How's it going? - Decent.
I've get a regular, but his sweat smells like shrimp scampi.
Ah, I love shrimp scampi! How much you make? Uh, 40 bucks.
We're never gonna get enough for a wedding like this.
We got to kick up our game a little.
(dance music playing) You got to know when to hold 'em When to hold 'em Know when to fold 'em When to fold 'em Know when to walk away Know when to run Hey! Get down from there! Uh, I think it might be time to run.
Hey, hey.
Natasha is next for freaky dance, ah? Hey, give me your phone.
I'll bet her Air Force pilot would be interested to see who she's letting buzz around her no-fly zone.
I think maybe we should get out of here and leave these two alone.
Hey.
Hey.
(indistinct chatter) Where's Virginia? I'm want to get my money's worth.
(click) Now it's over.
I'm never gonna pay for a wedding.
It was a stupid idea, anyway.
We only made 47 bucks.
Well, it was pretty exciting, though.
When security was chasing us, we ran up the down escalator.
BURT: That was cool.
You see that stuff happen in movies, but you never think it's gonna happen to you.
Oh, great! Now you guys have a story that has to stay in Vegas, and the craziest thing I've done is have red wine with fish.
That's, like, a thing you're not supposed to Never mind.
I am so glad you guys are here to witness the greatest moment of my life.
I had to hide under a very noisy bed for about eight hours, (singsongy): but look what I got! Oh, wait.
There's a lot of pictures of the wall.
I didn't realize with which side of lenses facing.
VIRGINIA: Oh, here they come.
Watch this.
I'm gonna get a wedding canceled.
I've got to get to that waxing.
I got to turn my peach into a nectarine.
Well, well, well.
I am so glad to final meet the groom! You know, I have some very funny pictures of your bride-to-be, or not-to-be-- that is the question.
This is Howard, the best man.
You meet the groom last night, silly.
He's over there paying the check.
(giggles) Gosh, Virginia, you look so shocked.
Oh, I understand you've never seen a husband paying a check before, have you? (laughs) First time for everything.
(exhales) (groans) I can't watch this.
She's having our big, fancy wedding that we always dreamed of as little girls.
God, she wins at everything! I'll bet she'll even end during our dream funeral, too, the right stone coffin being pull by New Kids On The Block.
Enjoy yourself.
I'm not going in.
I need you two to do me a favor.
(Bridal Chorus playing) (lively nice music playing) Not in the mood! Come with me.
No.
I'm not going in.
Trust me.
It's a surprise.
("Bridal Chorus" continues) What the hell's going on? You're getting your perfect wedding.
(music ends) (whispers): I need your ring.
(soft gasp) JIMMY: Dad wasn't able to buy Mom the wedding they never had.
MINISTER: We are gathered here today to join this couple, in blessed matrimony.
But that didn't mean he couldn't steal it for her.
Do you take this man, for richer or poorer, through sickness and in health, to have to hold till death do you part? I do.
I do.
Turns out you don't always have to spend money to give someone the day they've always dreamed of.
You may now kiss the bride.
(loud whooping) (applause, cheering) MAN (over speakers): Ladies and gentlemen, turn your attention to the dance floor to see the happy couple in their first dance as man and wife.
(Peter Frampton's "Baby I Love Your Way" plays) And now I'd like to introduce my darling husband's best man, a fella I would have married, but Howard here mashed up his who-ha in a dirt bike accident.
(giggles) They gave him a fake one, but no thanks! Take it away, Howie! And I'm just so thankful you guys found each other, fell in love and got pregnant with me.
Thanks, son.
It wasn't exactly in that order, but thanks.
Oh, baby, I love your way, every day There will always be a wedge between my Mom and Delilah, but at least Mom will never feel like Delilah got a better wedding because they got the same one.
Want to be with you night and day Everything worked out great for Mom and Dad, but I still hadn't gotten to see Sabrina do something crazy Luckily, in Vegas, it's never too late for crazy to happen.
Never.
I can't believe I never got my something that to stain Vegas.
Well, what about us slow-dancing? That was kind of crazy.
That was twice, and it was at a wedding.
What if you did it a third time at a rooftop bar to an upbeat song that really shouldn't be slow-danced to? Oh, that would definitely have to stay in Vegas.
(quietly): Come here.
(laughs) (up-tempo rock music playing) Thanks.
What are friends for?