Reggie Perrin (2009) s02e04 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 4
We're prepared to take a risk and offer you the role managing director of Groomtech.
Hi, I'm David from next door.
I'm Nicola from this house.
A terrible thing's happened involving your mum.
You know she and I are jumping into the fiery furnace.
Getting married? Yes.
Cockup on the emotional stability front.
That's the problem with things like daytime sex.
You know, you just feel like you should have earned it.
Or at least waited till your husband got home.
Grot products will include the Crap For Men and the Crap For Women range of fragrances - all massively overpriced.
SOBS Have you seen my ukulele? Huh, all over the country businessmen are setting off for work asking the same question.
It's to liven up a presentation.
It's either that or our old friend nudity.
Mm.
Remember the old days when you set off for work with just a briefcase and a suicide note? TONELESS UKULELE Oh, shit! Oh, no, still good.
Oh, please ring your mother, will you? She keeps dropping in.
I'm sick of scrabbling over the back fence.
Your dad told me he's getting cold feet about getting married.
Really? His exact words were, "I feel like I'm on death row.
" Well, marriage is a tricky bastard, Reggie, as you well know.
And he is marrying Attila The Mum.
Oh, I've still got it! Oh, can we go out tonight, please? Sorry I've got a staff bonding night.
I'm taking them all carol singing.
What, 280 carol singers in March? Yup, that's the kind of innovative company we are.
Reggie, you're scaring me.
Why are you doing all this? Well, because I can, because it's there, because it's fun.
So, come home early and have fun with me.
You! You know I'm meeting up with David later.
Oh, great.
Yeah, I thought we'd get some exercise together because he's bored and I'm depressed.
Why's he bored? And I'm depressed.
You've got all your friends.
Oh, they just think of me as the woman who was sacked for pulling down a kid's trousers.
I'm a leper.
Well, if that is true, you're the loveliest little leper in Surrey.
Bye-bye.
Mm.
Morning, good morning.
Morning.
Morning, Vicky.
Oh, your ukulele.
Everyone loved that last time.
Really? Yes Be honest, Vicky.
Corporate fear and loathing are a thing of the past.
We're flying balls-out now.
OK, they really hated your ukulele playing.
"What the bloody hell was that?" was one of the comments.
All right, balls-in.
Vicky, what's the silliest thing you've ever bought? Um Er, I suppose I regret my budgie makeover kit.
Talk me through your emotions as you bought it.
First excitement when I discovered there was such a thing as a budgie makeover kit.
Understandably, mm.
Then goose bumps as I weighed up whether Gomez The budgie? Yeah.
would respond well to being made over with a little comb and one of the little hats that came in the kit.
But did he? No.
More excitement as I handed over the money.
Slightly less excitement as I walked home and then serious irritation as I struggled to get Gomez into his shoes, hat and scarf.
Oh.
Very much a roller coaster.
Yeah, it was.
Am I a bad person for exploiting people's desire to buy stupid things? No, because it's fun.
It keeps people in work.
They said that about dunking witches.
Did dunking witches keep people in work? The witch-dunkers, people who made the witch-dunking machinery.
Oh, yeah.
The witch-dunking event popcorn sellers.
That's a sentence I never thought I'd use.
Lovely banana milk, Vicky.
Thank you.
Hey.
I might come in your changing room next time.
There's naked men in mine.
Come on.
Shall I get someone to smear you in goose fat? I'm just getting the lie of the water there.
Get in! Got a tiny touch of water phobia.
Oh, you poor thing.
Is it awful? Listen, I used to take my class swimming.
I always found this works.
Hey, hey, do that again and I will call a lifeguard.
Sorry.
OK, OK.
I can't swim, which is fine because I am actually very good at walking on water.
OK, come on, swim to me.
Oh, very good.
Very smooth.
Arrgh! Whoa! Whoa! That's good! Great.
A new product range called Grot.
Including Crap For Men aftershaves.
Called Old Pub Smell, Sunday Roast, First Girlfriend.
Want to smell nice? That's dull.
Want to open up the past Proust-style with nostalgic aromas? Much more interesting.
Shed perfume? Sheds, they're masculine safe havens with top notes of creosote and barbecue lighter fluid and a long finish of tool.
Is there a Crap For Women? Oh, yes.
Slightly anxious about the smells.
Um, My Dad, Nice Boyfriend's Shirt and Shoe Shop.
It's all a little bit sexist.
Yes, absolutely.
You two, you're not whooping.
No high-fives, or that spooky jig you did when the sales of razors reached 14% in the Cardiff area? We just don't think the world's ready for an aftershave called, or smelling of, Bonfire.
Well, let's see.
We are going to roll out a whole raft of Grot products.
In fact, I won't rest until everyone's house is filled with Grot.
So, you talked in our last session about your issues with loud sharp movements and the colour purple.
Let's start there.
That wasn't me.
Oh.
Um Oh, yes, you were banging on about how you can't get into a lift without licking your finger and holding it in the air.
No, no.
No? I'm, "doesn't want therapy, but the chairman insists because he thinks I'm unstable".
Oh, OK.
I know, let's do that thing where I say something and you reply with the first thing that comes into your head.
Word association.
Is it? Oh, it's exciting, isn't it? Not so far.
Let's start with Oh, um Oh, I can't think of a word.
Anything will do.
Diggle.
You've managed to pick a word that doesn't have any associations whatsoever.
Oh, OK.
Um Oh, this is a good one.
You'll like this one.
Oh, get on with it.
OK, bandage.
Healing.
Mouse hole.
Suffocation.
Diggle.
You've done it again.
I thought you wouldn't notice.
All right, I'll start.
Work.
Dambusters.
Therapy.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Therapy.
Lettuce.
Mental breakdown.
Botswana.
Non sequitur.
Christmas tree.
Oh, we're really rocking.
Fair enough.
Unfair enough.
Diggle.
Snap! Hi.
Yeah, I'd like an application form for the vacancy of head of forward thinking and strategic buzzword engineering.
Yeah, thanks.
Save yourself, Vicky.
Get out while you've still got your dignity.
Don't make me leave! All right, forget dignity, just get out before people hear what Reggie's doing to Groomtech.
Yeah, it's Steve Rayram.
That's R for run it up the flagpole, A for arse factor, Y for yeah, baby, R for run it up the flagpole No not F for flagpole.
F would be front-down, flip-me-over marketing.
Yeah, or foxtrot.
Yeah, aha.
Oh, well.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
Dog.
Cat.
Dog.
All right, let's stop.
Oh, OK.
Oh, have I shown you my new didgeridoo? What do you think? I think you've set back rational thinking about 500 years.
It's beautiful.
Don't play it.
Oh.
Thank you for increasing my budget.
Well, it was either that or spend the money wisely.
I spent most of it on a course on growing my communicational skill set.
Oh, and that means more leaflets? Basically, yes.
I thought so.
"Bullying in the workplace - shall we not?" This might intrigue you.
"How to be happy.
" I should probably add some detail.
I'm worried about the people who might not get to see my leaflets.
Yes, they're really buggered, aren't they? Because I've noticed a lot of people are unhappy.
That's probably part of the human condition, like being Welsh or picking your feet.
No, unhappy in this company about what you're doing to it.
Well, if it's going down the pan anyway, it might as go down whooping.
Fishcake.
Shoe box.
Parents.
Preferred my sister.
Oh, I get it now.
Hello, Reggie.
Hello, Jasmine.
How are you? Me? I'm gorgeous.
How are you? The general view is that you're going slightly mad.
Is it? Oh, dear.
As you know, Reggie, I have got a soft spot for you.
Can I guess where it is? A fondness.
OK.
I don't want to see you embarrass yourself.
Right, so I'm mad for selling a few wacky little products, but if I was to sell guns and tanks I'd be sane? I don't make the rules.
Oh, ye of little faith, the door is behindye.
But put me down for a biscuit tin that gives you an electric shock.
I'll put ye on the list.
We need you to stop putting banana milk in the water coolers.
That's OK now.
Thank you.
We've moved on to cough mixture.
I'm told you took the entire workforce carol singing.
Yes, very bonding.
280 office workers singing Ding Dong Merrily On High in the month of March.
And you were all arrested? Er, yes.
What for? Tunelessness mainly.
We hired you because you have a great track record in sales.
So, what as a company are we doing selling these? Perhaps you'd like to talk us through that.
That's the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Hmm! Which isn't leaning.
No.
And that's the Eiffel Tower.
Which is leaning.
Yes.
And a White House toilet brush.
Yes, I apologise about that one.
Good.
That's in danger of being useful - weaken the brand.
I am vetoing the Grot product range.
Oops, too late.
It's already gone into production.
You have two weeks to start making this company profitable or we're sacking you.
Right, well, I've got to get on.
Got to bench-test our new chocolate fireguards.
Bye-bye.
So I told him, "I may be a pacifist, "but it won't stop me hitting you with this faulty toaster.
" I was right, wasn't I? Always.
Completely right.
Evening.
Oh, who shall I kiss first? You look the saddest.
Reggie, don't do that.
No, no panic.
Saw big dollops of man-love in the army.
Nicola, let me show you my wedding lingerie.
Come along.
Oh, OK.
Get me out of this wedding.
Quicksand rising up around my ears.
Just tell her you don't want to get married.
Tried.
Can't be done alone.
Ooh, lovely big tassels! Yes, they are rather jolly, aren't they? Good to see whalebone back and some very interesting vents.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I'm not sure about the studded collar, Marion.
Oh, that was a free gift.
Mum, we don't think it's such a good idea, this wedding.
What? William? Nicola? Reggie? Um, William is - how can I put this? Ruggedly handsome.
No, not ruggedly handsome.
No, ugly, wheezy, substandard, poor, drunk, borderline fascist.
He doesn't want to marry you.
I'm sorry.
Yes, he does.
He's just being silly.
It's a blood sugar problem.
Come along, William.
there's a toffee in the car.
Come along, darling.
Come on.
Well, as you said, tricky bastard, marriage.
Yeah.
Did another presentation today.
Good.
Finished up with a singsong.
Good.
Look, tonight, let's drop in on Tim and Mango, then shoot over to Luigi's for a pie, yeah? Or we could just stay in and watch the telly till one of us drops off or bursts into tears.
How's David? Yeah, good.
We went to the swimming pool.
Oh, well, where else can you get lightly basted in chlorine and kids' urine for under a tenner? Hi.
Hello, Jasmine.
I'm sorry, I need to eat humble pie.
If you're going to the canteen, pick me up a Wagon Wheel.
Initial sales for your new product are amazing.
What? Grot, it's flying off the shelves.
Mm, great, good HIGH-PITCHED TONE YES! Ha-ha! Yes.
We never doubted you, Reggie.
Look at these.
Ha-ha, yes.
Get out.
YES! I'll get out.
If only you could bottle his enthusiasm.
Mm.
Then throw it away.
Mm.
Mr P.
Oh, God.
Excellent.
What do you want? I need your help.
I feel very welcome here.
Well, you're not.
Safe haven.
No, it isn't.
This wedding, got to stop it.
Can't sleep.
Bladder a bit tearful.
Delinquent bowls.
Oh, hello.
Jasmine, Nicola's father, William.
Hello.
Pretty girl.
It's all make-up.
Is it? Oh.
Disappointing.
I'll leave you to it.
No, no.
Please stay.
Yes, stay.
Won't tarry.
Lunch with old army chums, Spunky Hands.
Oh, good.
How is old Spunky? You know Spunky? Well, I feel like I do.
So this wedding I keep telling you, make it blindingly obvious you don't want to get married.
Say you've found someone else? This is amazing.
Grot fragrances for men, straight to number one among the 18-30s, ABC1 for the Thames Valley region.
You're the man, I'm the dirt, roll me in sugar and suck me.
Or not.
It's up to you.
See what you think.
William, this is Anthony and he will workshop with you an excuse for not marrying my mother, but in another room.
Bye.
Right, this way.
So, where were we? Sales figures.
Oh, yes.
PHONE RINGS Excuse me.
'Hi, this is the series of inspirational staff messages 'from Sue in the Wellness Centre.
'Why not compliment someone on something? 'Like their swish hairstyle or a brave new jumper.
' So 'Because compliments are a bit like' Sorry about that.
Where were we? How's your quest for a boyfriend? Oh, well.
You know, lots of frogs.
As in unkissed princes or Frenchmen? Non-princes.
Oh, right.
I'm actually thinking of getting an imaginary boyfriend.
Oh, they're great.
Yeah, he's called Zac.
Lovely.
Looks amazing.
Brilliant cook, doesn't fart, snore or insist on making love in a football shirt.
Is he rich? Oh, loaded.
Back of the net.
How's your wife? Oh, still looking for a job, but you know Nicola, endlessly optimistic, strong as a whippet.
Doesn't she mind you working all the time? No.
She's got lots of friends, lots of hobbies.
PHONE RINGS OK, yeah, that's good, that's good.
Yeah, let's not try anything too fancy now, like swimming.
Just think of the water as your big, wet, floppy friend.
With a history of drowning people.
Good, yes.
Oh, not very often, you big girl, come on.
Thank you very much for doing this.
I can't tell you how grateful I am.
Right, let's go and get a cake.
Hey? No, no, no.
Back, back.
Look, water kills.
Watch the blimming Poseidon Adventure.
OK, I'm going to let go.
What?! So, remember steady kicking, gently work the arms, yeah? OK.
Ready? Yeah.
OK.
OK.
OK.
Whoa.
Woop! Oh, wow.
Maybe just back off and stop thrashing.
Agh! Oh, God.
Ooh, sorry, ooh, ooh, ooh, bad, bad, hits attractive neighbour on the nose.
Towel! Oh, sorry.
Oh, great(!) It's starting to feel like I'm in a horror film.
Me too.
You can swim! Ah, yes, you saw that.
Right, this is it.
I'm storming off.
It just takes longer in water.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I only did this cause I want to spend time with you.
What? By lying, making me look stupid and punching me in the face? And look, scaring little children.
We like spending time with each other.
And I think you are fabulous.
OK, that was technically proficient, but completely wrong.
Why? Because how ever tempted I might be, I adore my husband generally speaking.
We don't have to tell him.
And I'm honest with him and intend to keep it that way.
My G I'm storming, I'm storming.
I'm going to ask you to give me away, Reggie.
Are you sure? I bet I could get a few quid for you.
Sorry, that was rude.
It would be an honour, assuming it all goes ahead.
I'm worried about who your father will pick as his best man.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, no, they're all great old boffers.
Wilko, Tricky, the Bishop.
Spunky Hands.
Actually Spunky is a bit of a worry, assuming it all goes ahead, eh? Good evening.
I've brought Anthony, a pal of mine.
Hello.
Good to meet you, Anthony.
Hello.
We met recently and we have feelings for each other.
It's true.
It happened at the shops.
Yes, indeed.
We met in a shop.
On the high street.
Yes.
We've tried to fight it.
But you can't fight whatever this is.
What are you talking about? The wedding's off, Marion.
While I'm feeling this mm, whatever it is.
We don't know what it is.
Why don't the three of you go on holiday and sort it out? No! Right, well, I'll be off.
Stop! This is absurd.
The wedding has been arranged and God knows you need a wife to survive.
And I think it will be rather lovely.
Oh, dear, University Challenge.
I'll see myself out.
Stiff drink, anyone? Yes, please.
Oh I could do with one.
PHONE RINGS Hello, Reggie 'Hi, Wellness Sue again.
'Enhance team building by giving each other animal nicknames.
' Congratulations.
On what? You must be well chuffed.
You know your trouble, Reg? Chauffeur with no sense of boundaries? Apart from having a big-love hate tizzy with capitalism, trying to engineer failure so you can escape again, you've forgotten how to be happy.
Nice cuppa? Oh, yeah, thanks.
Oh, green tea, redbush, Earl Grey, peppermint, camomile, oh, Cuban orange, black tea, chai, or mint or tea.
Tea.
Morning.
Morning, Mr Perrin.
Vicky.
What would you like in the water cooler this week? Champagne, please.
Ah, morning Reggie.
Hello, Jasmine.
So, you happy now? Yes, I think so.
Vicky.
Yes, Mr Perrin.
Make a Eurostar booking for lunch tomorrow in Paris, will you? How many people? 280.
So when we last met, you were going on and on about your weird dream involving Dolly Parton chasing you around Homebase.
It wasn't me.
Oh, um Shame of a wonky penis? Oh, no, that was Geoff in dockets.
Oh, here you are, word association therapy a hit.
Yodelling therapy less successful.
Threatened to destroy didgeridoo if I offered to play it again.
That sounds like me.
Mmm.
Oh, I've found a new therapy online.
It's basically cognitive behavioural therapy combined with humming.
Hmmmm! Sue, I know you mean well.
Oh, thank you very much! But I'm really going to have to end these sessions.
Oh, why? How could I put this? Fire away, I can take it.
OK.
You have to be the worst company therapist/new-age quack in the country.
And I mean that lovingly.
I'll put that down to worry over your wonky penis.
I haven't got a wonky penis! Goodbye.
But you have to have therapy, the chairman said.
Don't you worry about the chairman, I'm in charge around here.
We are delighted you repaid the trust we invested in you.
Oh, stop it.
Presumably you'll extend the range of Grot products.
Er, yes.
You've got your team working on that, have you? Yes, they'll be working on that.
So, what is your strategy? PHONE RINGS You know, in terms of delivery? Hello.
Why, what's happened? I'm fed up, Reggie.
Just come home, take me out, anything.
Look after me, Reggie.
But, it's a little bit difficult at the moment.
Perfect.
I'd better go, I think.
No, you're making money.
Now you have to cut costs.
I'm not really very interested in that side of the business.
And we need you to lose half your staff.
I don't want to do that.
Youdon't have a choice.
Argh! 'Hello, this is David.
I'm not here.
'Please leave a message after the tone.
'
Hi, I'm David from next door.
I'm Nicola from this house.
A terrible thing's happened involving your mum.
You know she and I are jumping into the fiery furnace.
Getting married? Yes.
Cockup on the emotional stability front.
That's the problem with things like daytime sex.
You know, you just feel like you should have earned it.
Or at least waited till your husband got home.
Grot products will include the Crap For Men and the Crap For Women range of fragrances - all massively overpriced.
SOBS Have you seen my ukulele? Huh, all over the country businessmen are setting off for work asking the same question.
It's to liven up a presentation.
It's either that or our old friend nudity.
Mm.
Remember the old days when you set off for work with just a briefcase and a suicide note? TONELESS UKULELE Oh, shit! Oh, no, still good.
Oh, please ring your mother, will you? She keeps dropping in.
I'm sick of scrabbling over the back fence.
Your dad told me he's getting cold feet about getting married.
Really? His exact words were, "I feel like I'm on death row.
" Well, marriage is a tricky bastard, Reggie, as you well know.
And he is marrying Attila The Mum.
Oh, I've still got it! Oh, can we go out tonight, please? Sorry I've got a staff bonding night.
I'm taking them all carol singing.
What, 280 carol singers in March? Yup, that's the kind of innovative company we are.
Reggie, you're scaring me.
Why are you doing all this? Well, because I can, because it's there, because it's fun.
So, come home early and have fun with me.
You! You know I'm meeting up with David later.
Oh, great.
Yeah, I thought we'd get some exercise together because he's bored and I'm depressed.
Why's he bored? And I'm depressed.
You've got all your friends.
Oh, they just think of me as the woman who was sacked for pulling down a kid's trousers.
I'm a leper.
Well, if that is true, you're the loveliest little leper in Surrey.
Bye-bye.
Mm.
Morning, good morning.
Morning.
Morning, Vicky.
Oh, your ukulele.
Everyone loved that last time.
Really? Yes Be honest, Vicky.
Corporate fear and loathing are a thing of the past.
We're flying balls-out now.
OK, they really hated your ukulele playing.
"What the bloody hell was that?" was one of the comments.
All right, balls-in.
Vicky, what's the silliest thing you've ever bought? Um Er, I suppose I regret my budgie makeover kit.
Talk me through your emotions as you bought it.
First excitement when I discovered there was such a thing as a budgie makeover kit.
Understandably, mm.
Then goose bumps as I weighed up whether Gomez The budgie? Yeah.
would respond well to being made over with a little comb and one of the little hats that came in the kit.
But did he? No.
More excitement as I handed over the money.
Slightly less excitement as I walked home and then serious irritation as I struggled to get Gomez into his shoes, hat and scarf.
Oh.
Very much a roller coaster.
Yeah, it was.
Am I a bad person for exploiting people's desire to buy stupid things? No, because it's fun.
It keeps people in work.
They said that about dunking witches.
Did dunking witches keep people in work? The witch-dunkers, people who made the witch-dunking machinery.
Oh, yeah.
The witch-dunking event popcorn sellers.
That's a sentence I never thought I'd use.
Lovely banana milk, Vicky.
Thank you.
Hey.
I might come in your changing room next time.
There's naked men in mine.
Come on.
Shall I get someone to smear you in goose fat? I'm just getting the lie of the water there.
Get in! Got a tiny touch of water phobia.
Oh, you poor thing.
Is it awful? Listen, I used to take my class swimming.
I always found this works.
Hey, hey, do that again and I will call a lifeguard.
Sorry.
OK, OK.
I can't swim, which is fine because I am actually very good at walking on water.
OK, come on, swim to me.
Oh, very good.
Very smooth.
Arrgh! Whoa! Whoa! That's good! Great.
A new product range called Grot.
Including Crap For Men aftershaves.
Called Old Pub Smell, Sunday Roast, First Girlfriend.
Want to smell nice? That's dull.
Want to open up the past Proust-style with nostalgic aromas? Much more interesting.
Shed perfume? Sheds, they're masculine safe havens with top notes of creosote and barbecue lighter fluid and a long finish of tool.
Is there a Crap For Women? Oh, yes.
Slightly anxious about the smells.
Um, My Dad, Nice Boyfriend's Shirt and Shoe Shop.
It's all a little bit sexist.
Yes, absolutely.
You two, you're not whooping.
No high-fives, or that spooky jig you did when the sales of razors reached 14% in the Cardiff area? We just don't think the world's ready for an aftershave called, or smelling of, Bonfire.
Well, let's see.
We are going to roll out a whole raft of Grot products.
In fact, I won't rest until everyone's house is filled with Grot.
So, you talked in our last session about your issues with loud sharp movements and the colour purple.
Let's start there.
That wasn't me.
Oh.
Um Oh, yes, you were banging on about how you can't get into a lift without licking your finger and holding it in the air.
No, no.
No? I'm, "doesn't want therapy, but the chairman insists because he thinks I'm unstable".
Oh, OK.
I know, let's do that thing where I say something and you reply with the first thing that comes into your head.
Word association.
Is it? Oh, it's exciting, isn't it? Not so far.
Let's start with Oh, um Oh, I can't think of a word.
Anything will do.
Diggle.
You've managed to pick a word that doesn't have any associations whatsoever.
Oh, OK.
Um Oh, this is a good one.
You'll like this one.
Oh, get on with it.
OK, bandage.
Healing.
Mouse hole.
Suffocation.
Diggle.
You've done it again.
I thought you wouldn't notice.
All right, I'll start.
Work.
Dambusters.
Therapy.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Therapy.
Lettuce.
Mental breakdown.
Botswana.
Non sequitur.
Christmas tree.
Oh, we're really rocking.
Fair enough.
Unfair enough.
Diggle.
Snap! Hi.
Yeah, I'd like an application form for the vacancy of head of forward thinking and strategic buzzword engineering.
Yeah, thanks.
Save yourself, Vicky.
Get out while you've still got your dignity.
Don't make me leave! All right, forget dignity, just get out before people hear what Reggie's doing to Groomtech.
Yeah, it's Steve Rayram.
That's R for run it up the flagpole, A for arse factor, Y for yeah, baby, R for run it up the flagpole No not F for flagpole.
F would be front-down, flip-me-over marketing.
Yeah, or foxtrot.
Yeah, aha.
Oh, well.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
Dog.
Cat.
Dog.
All right, let's stop.
Oh, OK.
Oh, have I shown you my new didgeridoo? What do you think? I think you've set back rational thinking about 500 years.
It's beautiful.
Don't play it.
Oh.
Thank you for increasing my budget.
Well, it was either that or spend the money wisely.
I spent most of it on a course on growing my communicational skill set.
Oh, and that means more leaflets? Basically, yes.
I thought so.
"Bullying in the workplace - shall we not?" This might intrigue you.
"How to be happy.
" I should probably add some detail.
I'm worried about the people who might not get to see my leaflets.
Yes, they're really buggered, aren't they? Because I've noticed a lot of people are unhappy.
That's probably part of the human condition, like being Welsh or picking your feet.
No, unhappy in this company about what you're doing to it.
Well, if it's going down the pan anyway, it might as go down whooping.
Fishcake.
Shoe box.
Parents.
Preferred my sister.
Oh, I get it now.
Hello, Reggie.
Hello, Jasmine.
How are you? Me? I'm gorgeous.
How are you? The general view is that you're going slightly mad.
Is it? Oh, dear.
As you know, Reggie, I have got a soft spot for you.
Can I guess where it is? A fondness.
OK.
I don't want to see you embarrass yourself.
Right, so I'm mad for selling a few wacky little products, but if I was to sell guns and tanks I'd be sane? I don't make the rules.
Oh, ye of little faith, the door is behindye.
But put me down for a biscuit tin that gives you an electric shock.
I'll put ye on the list.
We need you to stop putting banana milk in the water coolers.
That's OK now.
Thank you.
We've moved on to cough mixture.
I'm told you took the entire workforce carol singing.
Yes, very bonding.
280 office workers singing Ding Dong Merrily On High in the month of March.
And you were all arrested? Er, yes.
What for? Tunelessness mainly.
We hired you because you have a great track record in sales.
So, what as a company are we doing selling these? Perhaps you'd like to talk us through that.
That's the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Hmm! Which isn't leaning.
No.
And that's the Eiffel Tower.
Which is leaning.
Yes.
And a White House toilet brush.
Yes, I apologise about that one.
Good.
That's in danger of being useful - weaken the brand.
I am vetoing the Grot product range.
Oops, too late.
It's already gone into production.
You have two weeks to start making this company profitable or we're sacking you.
Right, well, I've got to get on.
Got to bench-test our new chocolate fireguards.
Bye-bye.
So I told him, "I may be a pacifist, "but it won't stop me hitting you with this faulty toaster.
" I was right, wasn't I? Always.
Completely right.
Evening.
Oh, who shall I kiss first? You look the saddest.
Reggie, don't do that.
No, no panic.
Saw big dollops of man-love in the army.
Nicola, let me show you my wedding lingerie.
Come along.
Oh, OK.
Get me out of this wedding.
Quicksand rising up around my ears.
Just tell her you don't want to get married.
Tried.
Can't be done alone.
Ooh, lovely big tassels! Yes, they are rather jolly, aren't they? Good to see whalebone back and some very interesting vents.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I'm not sure about the studded collar, Marion.
Oh, that was a free gift.
Mum, we don't think it's such a good idea, this wedding.
What? William? Nicola? Reggie? Um, William is - how can I put this? Ruggedly handsome.
No, not ruggedly handsome.
No, ugly, wheezy, substandard, poor, drunk, borderline fascist.
He doesn't want to marry you.
I'm sorry.
Yes, he does.
He's just being silly.
It's a blood sugar problem.
Come along, William.
there's a toffee in the car.
Come along, darling.
Come on.
Well, as you said, tricky bastard, marriage.
Yeah.
Did another presentation today.
Good.
Finished up with a singsong.
Good.
Look, tonight, let's drop in on Tim and Mango, then shoot over to Luigi's for a pie, yeah? Or we could just stay in and watch the telly till one of us drops off or bursts into tears.
How's David? Yeah, good.
We went to the swimming pool.
Oh, well, where else can you get lightly basted in chlorine and kids' urine for under a tenner? Hi.
Hello, Jasmine.
I'm sorry, I need to eat humble pie.
If you're going to the canteen, pick me up a Wagon Wheel.
Initial sales for your new product are amazing.
What? Grot, it's flying off the shelves.
Mm, great, good HIGH-PITCHED TONE YES! Ha-ha! Yes.
We never doubted you, Reggie.
Look at these.
Ha-ha, yes.
Get out.
YES! I'll get out.
If only you could bottle his enthusiasm.
Mm.
Then throw it away.
Mm.
Mr P.
Oh, God.
Excellent.
What do you want? I need your help.
I feel very welcome here.
Well, you're not.
Safe haven.
No, it isn't.
This wedding, got to stop it.
Can't sleep.
Bladder a bit tearful.
Delinquent bowls.
Oh, hello.
Jasmine, Nicola's father, William.
Hello.
Pretty girl.
It's all make-up.
Is it? Oh.
Disappointing.
I'll leave you to it.
No, no.
Please stay.
Yes, stay.
Won't tarry.
Lunch with old army chums, Spunky Hands.
Oh, good.
How is old Spunky? You know Spunky? Well, I feel like I do.
So this wedding I keep telling you, make it blindingly obvious you don't want to get married.
Say you've found someone else? This is amazing.
Grot fragrances for men, straight to number one among the 18-30s, ABC1 for the Thames Valley region.
You're the man, I'm the dirt, roll me in sugar and suck me.
Or not.
It's up to you.
See what you think.
William, this is Anthony and he will workshop with you an excuse for not marrying my mother, but in another room.
Bye.
Right, this way.
So, where were we? Sales figures.
Oh, yes.
PHONE RINGS Excuse me.
'Hi, this is the series of inspirational staff messages 'from Sue in the Wellness Centre.
'Why not compliment someone on something? 'Like their swish hairstyle or a brave new jumper.
' So 'Because compliments are a bit like' Sorry about that.
Where were we? How's your quest for a boyfriend? Oh, well.
You know, lots of frogs.
As in unkissed princes or Frenchmen? Non-princes.
Oh, right.
I'm actually thinking of getting an imaginary boyfriend.
Oh, they're great.
Yeah, he's called Zac.
Lovely.
Looks amazing.
Brilliant cook, doesn't fart, snore or insist on making love in a football shirt.
Is he rich? Oh, loaded.
Back of the net.
How's your wife? Oh, still looking for a job, but you know Nicola, endlessly optimistic, strong as a whippet.
Doesn't she mind you working all the time? No.
She's got lots of friends, lots of hobbies.
PHONE RINGS OK, yeah, that's good, that's good.
Yeah, let's not try anything too fancy now, like swimming.
Just think of the water as your big, wet, floppy friend.
With a history of drowning people.
Good, yes.
Oh, not very often, you big girl, come on.
Thank you very much for doing this.
I can't tell you how grateful I am.
Right, let's go and get a cake.
Hey? No, no, no.
Back, back.
Look, water kills.
Watch the blimming Poseidon Adventure.
OK, I'm going to let go.
What?! So, remember steady kicking, gently work the arms, yeah? OK.
Ready? Yeah.
OK.
OK.
OK.
Whoa.
Woop! Oh, wow.
Maybe just back off and stop thrashing.
Agh! Oh, God.
Ooh, sorry, ooh, ooh, ooh, bad, bad, hits attractive neighbour on the nose.
Towel! Oh, sorry.
Oh, great(!) It's starting to feel like I'm in a horror film.
Me too.
You can swim! Ah, yes, you saw that.
Right, this is it.
I'm storming off.
It just takes longer in water.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I only did this cause I want to spend time with you.
What? By lying, making me look stupid and punching me in the face? And look, scaring little children.
We like spending time with each other.
And I think you are fabulous.
OK, that was technically proficient, but completely wrong.
Why? Because how ever tempted I might be, I adore my husband generally speaking.
We don't have to tell him.
And I'm honest with him and intend to keep it that way.
My G I'm storming, I'm storming.
I'm going to ask you to give me away, Reggie.
Are you sure? I bet I could get a few quid for you.
Sorry, that was rude.
It would be an honour, assuming it all goes ahead.
I'm worried about who your father will pick as his best man.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, no, they're all great old boffers.
Wilko, Tricky, the Bishop.
Spunky Hands.
Actually Spunky is a bit of a worry, assuming it all goes ahead, eh? Good evening.
I've brought Anthony, a pal of mine.
Hello.
Good to meet you, Anthony.
Hello.
We met recently and we have feelings for each other.
It's true.
It happened at the shops.
Yes, indeed.
We met in a shop.
On the high street.
Yes.
We've tried to fight it.
But you can't fight whatever this is.
What are you talking about? The wedding's off, Marion.
While I'm feeling this mm, whatever it is.
We don't know what it is.
Why don't the three of you go on holiday and sort it out? No! Right, well, I'll be off.
Stop! This is absurd.
The wedding has been arranged and God knows you need a wife to survive.
And I think it will be rather lovely.
Oh, dear, University Challenge.
I'll see myself out.
Stiff drink, anyone? Yes, please.
Oh I could do with one.
PHONE RINGS Hello, Reggie 'Hi, Wellness Sue again.
'Enhance team building by giving each other animal nicknames.
' Congratulations.
On what? You must be well chuffed.
You know your trouble, Reg? Chauffeur with no sense of boundaries? Apart from having a big-love hate tizzy with capitalism, trying to engineer failure so you can escape again, you've forgotten how to be happy.
Nice cuppa? Oh, yeah, thanks.
Oh, green tea, redbush, Earl Grey, peppermint, camomile, oh, Cuban orange, black tea, chai, or mint or tea.
Tea.
Morning.
Morning, Mr Perrin.
Vicky.
What would you like in the water cooler this week? Champagne, please.
Ah, morning Reggie.
Hello, Jasmine.
So, you happy now? Yes, I think so.
Vicky.
Yes, Mr Perrin.
Make a Eurostar booking for lunch tomorrow in Paris, will you? How many people? 280.
So when we last met, you were going on and on about your weird dream involving Dolly Parton chasing you around Homebase.
It wasn't me.
Oh, um Shame of a wonky penis? Oh, no, that was Geoff in dockets.
Oh, here you are, word association therapy a hit.
Yodelling therapy less successful.
Threatened to destroy didgeridoo if I offered to play it again.
That sounds like me.
Mmm.
Oh, I've found a new therapy online.
It's basically cognitive behavioural therapy combined with humming.
Hmmmm! Sue, I know you mean well.
Oh, thank you very much! But I'm really going to have to end these sessions.
Oh, why? How could I put this? Fire away, I can take it.
OK.
You have to be the worst company therapist/new-age quack in the country.
And I mean that lovingly.
I'll put that down to worry over your wonky penis.
I haven't got a wonky penis! Goodbye.
But you have to have therapy, the chairman said.
Don't you worry about the chairman, I'm in charge around here.
We are delighted you repaid the trust we invested in you.
Oh, stop it.
Presumably you'll extend the range of Grot products.
Er, yes.
You've got your team working on that, have you? Yes, they'll be working on that.
So, what is your strategy? PHONE RINGS You know, in terms of delivery? Hello.
Why, what's happened? I'm fed up, Reggie.
Just come home, take me out, anything.
Look after me, Reggie.
But, it's a little bit difficult at the moment.
Perfect.
I'd better go, I think.
No, you're making money.
Now you have to cut costs.
I'm not really very interested in that side of the business.
And we need you to lose half your staff.
I don't want to do that.
Youdon't have a choice.
Argh! 'Hello, this is David.
I'm not here.
'Please leave a message after the tone.
'