Rescue Me s02e04 Episode Script
Twat
Mm-hmm.
Uh-- He loves drama.
That's his thing.
Blood.
Surprise appearances.
Stigmata.
That shit's been working for over 2,000 years.
Did he try the regular-guy crap yet? The "I really need a sandwich" routine? Well, at least you got that to look forward to.
You mind? Make it a double.
Hey.
Hey! I have to get to work, pal! Hey! Son of a bitch.
What, you got something against firefighters, asshole? Huh? You know, I got two brothers who are cops, right? One of 'em works out of the D.
A.
's office.
Couple of weeks ago, I tried to piss on a pile of souvenirs down at Ground Zero.
You guys picked me up, I was out an hour later.
Okay? You hear me? Okay.
I guess what I'm trying to say is-- Unless you're plannin' on shooting me right now, I'm gonna kick your fat bagel ass up and down this entire shitty block.
Okay? You know what's funny? No.
What? The guy who just towed your truck away? He makes more money a year than you do.
Yeah, that is funny.
Tell you what.
Free shot.
Ow! So, when the F.
D.
N.
Y reads the report from the N.
Y.
P.
D.
that says you just broke your hand on a cop's face, your brothers-- they gonna make sure you get paid while you're out of action for the next three months? Hey! Aah.
Hey! Kiss my ass, jerk-off.
On another day C'mon, c'mon With these ropes I tied can we do no wrong Now we grieve 'cause now is gone Things were good when we were young With my teeth locked down I can see the blood Of a thousand men who have come and gone Now we grieve 'cause now is gone Things were good when we were young Is it safe to say C'mon, c'mon Was it right to leave C'mon, c'mon Will I ever learn C'mon, c'mon C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon Are you tired of the same old same old when it comes to makeovers? Wake up because this is not your ordinary makeover show.
Oh, no.
- It's okay.
You're eating for two.
- For two.
I know.
I'll see you later.
Bye, baby.
So I turned to alcohol to replace the affection my mother and father never gave me.
Anyway, without this idea-- A.
A.
-- without this particular group, without you guys and your willingness to listen, I'd still be drinking.
Thank you all so, so much.
Look, my name's, uh, Bob, and, uh, I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Bob.
Hi, Bob.
I, uh-- I just wanted to say, my mother was a controlling goddamn bitch too.
And, uh-- Now she's dead.
And my father is 82, and, uh, he still pretty much drinks more than I ever used to.
And when I was a kid, if I tied the bathroom up for too long, he'd also take the opportunity to remind me that my nose was always gonna be bigger than my cock.
I just met my new stepmother, and she's from Korea.
And I don't know her that well, but I'm pretty sure she's a raging alcoholic.
The point being that I didn't drink because my father called me a pussy or because my mother told me I was gonna be no good when I grew up.
I drank because I like to drink.
Okay? I like to drink.
I like vodka.
I like whiskey.
But I'd pretty much drink anything you put in front of me that had alcohol in it because I love to drink, okay? The only reason I quit was because I was gonna lose my job and probably my kids too.
So that's the deal.
Uh, you guys aren't keeping me from drinking.
It's the law, and, uh, God didn't make me quit.
It was my ex-wife, or my soon to be ex-wife.
Thanks.
Hey, I remember you from another meeting a couple years back.
You're, uh, Tommy, the firefighter.
No, no.
I'm a plumber.
Hey.
Nice thing you said there.
I really appreciate that.
I'm so sick of these whiners.
Good one, Bob.
Yeah.
See? Bob.
Daddy? Mmm.
What's up? Keela.
Oh.
Mmm.
Last night was so-- What? Nothing.
What, baby? Mmm.
You're probably sleeping with, like, six other people.
Forget it.
Dad.
Hang on, sweetheart.
Hey, I am not sleeping with six other people, all right? Dad! Two seconds, kiddo.
So maybe just a few? Yeah.
I don't think I like those odds.
Dad! Uh, hang on, Keela.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
What-- What odds? I said, "Are you sleeping with six other people?" and you said, "No.
" - I said, "A few?" and you said, "Yeah.
" - No, I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
- No, I didn't.
You know I have A.
D.
D.
, right? No, seriously.
I-- Wh-What were we talkin' about? You gotta be shittin' me.
Ow.
Geez.
Looks like it might be broken.
Nah.
It's just a sprain.
Why don't we go to the hospital? You get an X-ray.
You're no good to anybody working with a bum hand on the job.
I got to be back in that house.
I need the action.
Otherwise, I start drinking again.
Besides, I'm better with one hand than most guys are with two.
Yeah, I heard that about you.
Yeah.
Hey.
You know how people-- like, religious people-- are always saying stuff like, "Have you found Jesus?" Yeah.
Guess what.
I found him.
Oh, yeah? Where's he been for the last 2,000 years? Apparently, my new apartment.
Yeah.
He shows up, on the cross, half off the cross.
When you quit drinking at first, did stuff like this happen? I don't even know if I believe in the goddamn guy.
Well, maybe that's why he's showing up.
Listen, I used to get voices first two months I was sober.
Sometimes I thought, you know, it was, like, God.
Sometimes it was Satan.
Two months? Yup.
God was telling me I was a worthless piece of shit.
Satan's telling me I'm God's gift.
What did God sound like? Tom Hanks.
Figures.
Satan was a doubleheader.
One day he was, like, Jack Nicholson.
The next, you know, like, Hillary.
And then what? It just stopped? I made them stop.
How'd you do that? These got rid of God.
These got rid of Jack.
What about Hillary? Wow.
Any of these, um, painkillers? No.
Nice try.
Nothing self-prescribed.
They just kill psychological pain.
Oh.
Aren't these kind of, um, against the rules of A.
A.
? There are no rules,Bob.
The point is, priorities.
You know, I figure, if I'm not drinking today, I'm all right because I know God-- not the Catholic scary God that we grew up with, the real actual God-- is on my side.
Alrighty then.
You understand what I'm saying? Yeah.
I understand.
There is no God because you are god.
You're not listening, asshole.
- Listen, I'm just saying-- - What? What are you saying? You telling me you don't have some kind of God complex? I run into burning buildings to save people God apparently doesn't give a shit about, okay? So I got a suggestion.
Why don't you get down on your knees and ask Jesus why his father's letting this happen? We don't really talk about his dad.
I gotta go.
Hey, Tom.
What's Jesus look like? Mel Gibson.
Goin' deep! That's fantastic, Teddy.
Yeah! Scores! What's that? Eagles this year? I don't think so.
What's your touchdown dance, Teddy? - Yes! - Stop.
Stop! Goddamn it! Stop! - What's wrong, Teddy? - That guy! That guy standing right in my eyeline! Yeah, you! Harris? You think this is easy, numb nuts? I'm trying to be in the moment here.
I'm trying to pretend I'm a guy who's going to a football game to watch his team play.
I'm trying to be that guy, not some guy stuck in a studio under hot lights surrounded by the fruit of the month club! No offense, everybody.
None taken.
Eli, I need a moment.
Five minutes, people! What are you doing? Huh? You're a little half mast.
I don't even feel you.
I'm trying to-- Just give me a couple seconds.
Okay.
Okay.
Stop, stop, stop.
Usually when we get a hotel room, it really turns you on.
What's wrong? I don't know.
Maybe it's-- - 'Cause I'm going back to work today, I'm a little-- - It's my belly, isn't it? What? No.
It's not your belly.
- No, baby.
- You said "no baby.
" - No, I didn't.
- Ooh! No, I didn't.
I didn't say-- It's the baby.
What? No.
I said you-- I said, "No, baby," not meaning "no baby.
" The baby I meant was you, like, you know, you're my baby.
"No, baby.
" You.
Wait.
What-- You're confusing me.
You're confusing me! I know what I said.
You don't find me attractive anymore, do you? Of course I-- Sheila.
Listen to me.
Listen.
Of course I find you attractive.
Okay? I love your little belly.
I love your chocolaty lips and your chocolaty tits and your nice, soft, sweet little cocoa ass.
I think it's the booze.
You know what I mean? What? You can't have sex with me unless you're drunk.
I had a suspicion.
I had a hunch.
No.
I think since I quit drinking, it screwed up my pleasure center.
That's the only way you can forget about Jimmy and the whole situation.
That's not what I meant.
You're not listening to me.
What are you doing? Sheil-- Are you nuts? Yeah, that's a great idea.
That's real good for the kid.
Sheila.
Stop it! Stop it! Drink these.
No, I can't.
Do it.
I can't.
I'm horny, Tommy.
Sheila, I-- Listen to me! The only thing that I have in this world is Damien, okay? And he's almost 16, and he never tells me anything even remotely resembling the truth about what's going on in his head because he doesn't want me to know how bad he feels, how much he misses his dad.
So I stay home, and then I dream about the two or three times a week when I'll get to have physical contact with you-- your muscles and your smell.
Sheila.
And your hands on my skin, on my ass, on my tits.
I don't give a shit about A.
A.
I think that the real battle is between your cock and your liver.
And you can buy a new liver.
Here.
Drink this.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh.
I gotta go.
Ow! Oh, my God.
Oh! We thought you were dead, asshole.
Hey! How you doing? Why'd you think I was dead? Well, you called Tommy and you said that you owed money and that some guy was following you.
Oh, you must mean Perry.
Yeah, I thought he was a leg breaker.
Boy, was I wrong there.
Turns out he's a talent scout for Big Skin Pro Gear.
Real football fans weren't buying because of the models.
They were using your typical male-catalog models.
You know, thin, good-lookin'-- Gay.
Exactly! So, they figured, why not use models that look like actual football fans? Well, look no further, my friend.
I am a professional plus-size model.
Care for some Gorgonzola? No, I'm trying to drop a few pounds.
Man, you know how much money I'm taking in? How much? Ten large.
Ten large? Yup.
Pass me that Gorgonzola.
Yeah? Is it true? What? Mickey said you quit drinking and you're going to meetings.
Yeah.
You happy now, ass wipe? Yeah, I'm as hard as a rock.
That's good 'cause I need you to fix some shit with this Jew bag beat cop.
The guy I told you about.
I think I broke his nose this morning.
It's a long story.
I need you to get the whole thing taken care of, 'cause I'm back in my old house today.
Plus I need you to get my truck taken care of because he had it towed.
On top of which I need you to investigate that hick fireman who was banging Janet.
Let me get this straight.
You quit drinking, but you're going around beating up cops? - This city was safer when you were a drunk.
- Yeah, blow me.
All right? - Tommy.
- Johnny? - Tom.
- Hey, I held up my end of the deal, okay? I quit drinking, all right? Find my truck, find my kids and get that bagel cop off my block, all right? That's a wrap, everybody.
I can do this.
Do what? This! That-- what you just did.
Pretending to throw a football and smiling like a goddamn fool.
Jesus Christ.
Talk about easy money.
Hey, slow down there, short stuff.
It may look easy 'cause I make it look easy.
Eli says I have a natural talent.
For what? For being a big, fat, happy-go-lucky slob? Bet your balls you do.
Hey, introduce me to your agent.
Okay, but not everyone gets to go to the big show.
If by "big" you mean fat, you definitely hit the nail on the head, lard ass.
-Hey.
- Hey.
- Whoa.
What's with the piece? - Huh? The gun.
Oh, n-- nothing.
I just-- You're not thinking about using that thing, are you? No.
Listen, I heard about you and Theresa.
You're not gonna off yourself, are you? No.
Of course not.
All right.
What are you gonna do? You're not gonna shoother? I was maybe gonna scare her a little.
That's a good idea.
Chicks love that.
Wave a gun in their face-- instant blow job.
It's just so goddamn frustrating.
All right.
Calm down.
Geez.
You know what we can do to blow off some of that steam? What? Take that puppy out to the firing range, squeeze off a couple hundred rounds.
You ever done it? I'm like the Dirty Harry of the F.
D.
N.
Y.
- Who? - You know, Clint Eastwood? Yeah.
Dirty Harry? Yeah.
The Outlaw Josey Wales? Are we still talking about Clint Eastwood? Forget it! I sawMillion Dollar Baby.
Engine.
Ladder.
Hey, you think Hillary Swank could kick her husband's ass? - Who's she married to again? - Chad Lowe, Rob Lowe's little brother.
I know that guy.
Every time she wins an Oscar, he's in the audience crying his ass off.
He's a pussy.
Everybody make your picks.
I'm going Swank.
- Swank.
- Swank.
- Swank.
- I used to have a subscription to that magazine.
Hey, what's up, Chief? You all right? Caught wind of a problem with Lou.
Apparently Laura screwed up, and Lou got pissed at her and called her a name.
And she dropped a dime on him down at headquarters, and now they wanna suspend him.
- Yeah.
What'd he call her? - A twat.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
She hates that word.
Well, all chicks do, right? Zeta-Jones.
Zeta-Jones.
- Zeta-Jones.
- Zeta-Jones.
You're not messing around with her, are you? What are you, nuts? She's not even my type.
Franco, she's got two tits, a pussy, and she's breathing.
So my taste in women has a wide set of parameters.
But I ain't that goddamn stupid.
- I would hope not.
- Chief.
Hey, look, I got enough on my goddamn plate, between Tommy, my wife and Lou.
Enough bullshit.
That broad is trouble.
Now, just stay the hell away from her, huh? I don't know what you're talking about, Chief.
Before the accident? Before the accident.
Siegfried.
copy that transmission.
Battalion 15 to Manhattan, we got smoke blowing out of the third floor on a five-floor walk-up.
Boys, we got a report from the dispatcher of a kid being trapped on the top floor.
Tommy, you take missy and do a search.
Lou, take the probie, go around back, go to the roof and help them ventilate.
Garrity, get up in that bucket.
Once again, transmit the 10-75.
What's the matter with your hand? Nothing.
I hurt it jerking off.
Go check that out.
All right.
The roof is open, Chief.
Checking exposures now.
Chief, find the girl? That's a negative on that.
- Well, you give us a signal, we'll take out the windows.
- You got it, Lou.
Mommy, are you here? Hey.
Here you go, sweetheart.
You're all right.
Come on.
- My mommy went to the store.
- That's okay.
Give me your hand.
I'm afraid of the fire.
No.
There's no fire in here, sweetheart.
Give me your hand.
Come on.
Here.
Here.
There you go.
You're fine.
Chief, I got the 10-45.
I'm bringing her out.
Good, Tommy.
Bring her out.
Okay.
Here, let me hold your cat, sweetheart.
Give me your cat.
Tommy, come on out.
Take it easy.
Tommy's out? -Should we take out the windows? -That's a negative on those windows.
- Don't take those windows out.
Do not take those windows out.
- What did he say? - He said take the windows.
- Do not vent the windows-- Fucking radio.
Come here.
That's it.
Cover up, sweetheart.
Chief! Mayday! Mayday! Gotta get that bucket up here right now! Battalion 1-5, clear the air.
We got a Mayday! Stay down, sweetheart, all right? - Are you ready? - Shit! The bucket's stuck.
- Come here, sweetheart.
- Hold on, Tommy! Don't go! -Tommy, what are you doing? Wait, Tommy, no.
Oh, Jesus! Hang on, sweetheart.
Oh, Jesus.
It's gonna be okay.
Mr.
Whiskers.
Mr.
Whiskers! Goddamn it! Mr.
Whiskers.
He's lucky he knows his goddamn name.
Where is he? Jesus Christ.
No time to talk right now, pal.
Just take the cat and go.
Here he comes.
All right, catch! You ready? - All right.
- What-- Was that a cat? Here I come! Come here! You all right? All right.
Here we go again.
Welcome back.
Hey, check it out.
Hey, 62 Truck! Brighter Harlem, baby! Yeah! Who gave the order? There was no order.
It was a miscommunication.
These goddamn walkie-talkies.
Thank God we had the spare rig, otherwise we wouldn't have had a bucket.
Hey.
What the hell? Want me to stand behind the rig so you can just back the thing over me? I'm really sorry, Tommy.
I thought I heard the go-ahead.
Life and death, kid.
Life and death.
Get out of here.
Hey, Tom, you think that group shot of us is gonna end up in the paper tomorrow? I sure hope so, man.
62 Truck deserves the attention.
Hey, that was something else.
Welcome back to the house, you douche bag.
All right.
All right.
What is this, some kind of a goddamn party? Hey.
You're back in the house, Gavin.
Yeah? But you make one mistake, just one-- you so much as forget to flush a toilet, and you're back out in the goddamn boonies sitting on your bony Irish ass, praying for some Boy Scout to rub two sticks the wrong way.
Yeah, I got it.
Lou! Jerry! Up in my office now! What was all that about? I forgot to back Lou up in a fire last week, or I was confused.
Whatever.
And he called me something he shouldn't have.
I asked him to apologize, and he refused.
So you called headquarters? I had to.
I'm a firefighter.
I have the same job as you, and I come in here every day, and it's "honey" and "missy" and "sweetie" and "Barbie" and now this? If I don't do something, I'm letting down every other little girl who comes in here after me.
So what'd he call you, the "B" word? No.
He called you the "C" word? No.
He called you a twat.
You know, this conversation's over.
He called you a twat! You don't deny that you said it to her? Nope.
And that it was just the one derogatory term, and you said it only once.
Correct.
It's your word against hers.
Nobody else heard the conversation.
You deny, deny, deny.
The guys will back you up.
We'll freeze her out, and I'll bet my left nut she requests a transfer within three weeks.
You don't play the game, we have to go with the choices headquarters gave us.
Which are? They're not good.
Basically, you accept the 30-day suspension.
Without pay, Kenny.
Or you stay on the payroll, and you go through sensitivity training.
Sensitivity training? Laura, the thing is, we call each other names all the time.
- It's, like, you know-- What do you call it? - Name-calling? No.
It's like, uh-- It's like ball busting, but more-- more-- Camaraderie.
Yeah.
No.
- No, no.
- It's part of being on a team, you know? You joke around, you jibe, you cut.
I never sit around with my girlfriends and call them a twat.
I was on the basketball team in high school.
I was on the girls' softball team in college.
And I never called any of those women a twat.
You know why? 'Cause every woman I've ever met finds that word offensive.
Not as offensive as the other word, but, you know, in a race they're neck and neck.
Yeah, but you know what? Now you work at a job with men, okay? Highly populated by men.
A job you chose to do.
So you gotta cut the men you work with a little slack.
I thought the word that women hated most was the "C" word.
I thought they invented "twat" so no one would have to say the other word ever again.
I think men invented both and never bothered to check with women about either.
Okay, what would you prefer then? That we come up with, what-- a brand-new word? I mean, I don't know.
A combination of the two? Whoa.
"Cwat.
" No, no.
I was thinking more like "twunt.
" Aw, come on.
That's funny.
- "Twunt.
" I like that.
- I'm sticking with "cwat.
" - Nobody likes it, Sean.
- Why don't we ask Laura? She's the only one affected in this particular case.
She's the only one affected by either of these words.
Laura, what's your opinion? I actually find "cwat" more offensive than "twat," monkey boy.
"Monkey boy"? You sure about this? I'm sure.
You don't want to take a little bit more time? It's final.
All right.
I'll call headquarters, tell 'em.
Sensitivity training it is.
This could open up another whole can of worms.
Well, you know what, Jer? Worms have rights too.
God, Laura, this shit doesn't mean anything around here, okay? I call Tommy a mick, he calls me a spic.
Sean calls Mike a stupid guinea-- Hey! I know, I know.
You're not stupid.
The point is this.
We all use every ethnic and personal slur in the book against each other.
- You name it, we say it.
- It's true.
Cock breath.
- Shithead.
- Ass wipe.
- Numb nuts.
- Ball face.
- Shit for brains.
- Dipshit.
- Pussy.
- Prick.
- Dick.
- Scumbag.
- Dick face.
- Uh, ape ass.
- Ape face.
- Pencil dick.
- Tight ass.
- Needle dick.
- That's not even getting into any of the gay stuff.
- Well, that's debatable.
Yeah, but nobody's been emotionally affected by the words we just used.
Right? Yeah.
What were those things you were saying about the ape things? Look, we're getting off the point here, okay? The point is, when I run into a burning building, I don't go in with the Bible in my back pocket or with God at my side.
I run in with a couple of pieces of steel in my hand and you guys-- all of you guys.
And if we're lucky enough to make it back here alive, part of the job is sitting down and owning up to the mistakes you made.
Like the probie today-- He screwed up and he owned up.
That's the deal.
You can't legislate courage.
You can't run down to headquarters and buy yourself a big bag full of balls.
There's no judge on Earth who can order you to give enough of a shit about other people that you go running into eight floors full of flame.
It takes guts.
You let Lou down, he called you a twat.
Get over it.
The real issue is, next time we're in a fire, are you gonna be where you're supposed to be-- watching somebody else's back, okay? Twat, cwat, bitch or twunt-- Do your job the right way, people'll call you names you wanna hear.
Hey, what did you mean before when-- Your new haircut makes you look like a monkey, and not a cute one either.
Hey.
What are you taking? Oh, uh, prescription.
Vicodin.
My shoulder.
You know? They're still prescribing those things like, what, four months later? What are you doing, using Elvis's doctor? Nah, I got a source.
I'm just on them for a couple of more weeks.
I'm back in the gym.
Soon as I get my strength back to where it used to be, I'm off 'em.
Well, I'm just saying there's a guy I quit drinking with, man.
I just found out a couple of days ago he's still taking tons of pills.
Sometimes you don't realize, especially when they're strong, how dependent you get on them.
Ah, no.
I'm good, bro.
All right.
If you're having a problem, you want to talk to somebody, you can always talk to me.
All right.
Thanks.
All right? Yeah.
Okay.
Hey, uh, your source-- Can he get, uh, Viagra? No, no, it's not for me.
It's my, uh-- my old man.
He's banging this chick, this young chick.
Yeah, I'll look into it.
Cool.
I'll get back at you.
Thanks, man.
Yeah.
These goddamn things would choke a horse.
Whew.
For his own good.
No way.
I look like a goddamn-- Spider monkey.
Shit.
So-- Sorry.
Goddamn it.
Stupid barber! You went to a barber? It was 10 bucks, all right? - Christ! - Holy shit, Sean.
That's some real live Steven Seagal mojo you got going on right there.
Steven Seagal? Yeah, man.
Damn.
All right.
You know what? This is a huge mistake.
I'm shooting out of anger, which is-- it's not only wrong, it's dangerous since it made you think of quite possibly the worst action hero of all time.
All right, you're up.
Come on.
I want you to hit the last bottle on the left, all right? Just, uh, hold your arm out nice and straight.
Use your other arm to steady it, if you want.
Okay.
Okay? You ready? All right.
You can close one eye, if it helps to aim.
And then, you know, just take a deep breath and-- Wait.
Yeah, I think he's still breathing.
What? That's the sound of the wind whistling through the gaping hole you just blew in its midsection.
Jesus.
Guns are no joke.
Imagine if this cat was your ex-girlfriend.
It wouldn't really matter.
One bullet would've just made her angry.
Excuse me.
We got an emergency.
This cat's been shot.
Dr.
Collins? Whoa.
Who shot it? Him.
Mm-hmm.
- Why, might I ask? - Um, we were hunting, kind of.
- For cats? - No.
No, no, no.
It was, um, actually-- Follow me.
Not you.
What's the matter? Hmm? Oh, it's nothing.
Are these your usual? It'll take me a day or so to get the Viagra.
Actually, it's not Viagra.
It's a longer-lasting one.
Oh.
Which longer-lasting one? I think it's the 18-hour one.
Wait, no.
It might be the 36-hour.
Shit.
There's so many.
I don't know.
Yeah, well, the guy's in his 80s.
Thirty-six hours might be longer than he has to live.
What? The only time we get together is when you come pick up your weekly stash.
Oh, come on, baby.
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
You come here, we bang our brains out, you take your pills then you leave.
Every Thursday.
Oh, is today Thursday? - Yes.
- Okay, so it's true.
Why can't we go out? Or to dinner, a movie or both? We can.
Of course we can.
Really? - Yeah.
Why not? - Tomorrow? Uh, no, baby.
I gotta work.
What about Saturday? I'm at my parents all weekend.
I'm working on Monday, got a thing at Keela's school on Tuesday, fixing a friend's place on Wednesday.
So, uh, why don't we say next Thursday? Dinner? Dinner and a movie.
You pick.
Cool.
Cool.
And don't forget my pills, okay? It'll just be a minute.
Why don't you have a seat? Okay.
All set.
Oh, is he gonna be all right? Him? He was a paperweight with fur about two seconds after the bullet hit.
These are my numbers-- home, office, cell.
I like men who are smaller than me.
Being a firefighter just adds extra points.
You leave first.
Oh.
You know, I could really use a sandwich right about now.
That's funny? Well, yeah.
It's exactly what your mother said, uh, you would say.
She have kind of a henna shade hair? Kind of reddish? - Yeah.
- Was she drinking? Yeah.
Scotch? Irish whiskey actually.
Rocks? Yeah.
That wasn't my mom.
That was my girlfriend.
- Mary Magdalene.
- Oh.
She hates my guts.
Well, no, she loves me and she hates me.
I was never home.
I was always out with the guys.
I never took her anywhere.
Blah, blah, blah.
I don't have to tell you about that bullshit, right? Yeah, broads.
You making me a sandwich or what? Yeah, let me see what I have.
Lettuce, pickles.
If I stepped it off Walked outside your trance Crawled inside your mind And got my hand into your pants Don't forget the alcohol Ooh, baby, ooh, baby Don't forget the alcohol Ooh, baby Don't forget the alcohol Ooh, baby, ooh, baby Don't forget the alcohol Ooh, baby, ooh, baby Ooh, baby, ooh, baby Ooh, baby, ooh, baby Ooh, baby, baby Ooh, baby, baby Don't forget the alcohol Don't forget the alcohol Don't forget the alcohol "Little girl is hurled.
" That's great, man.
Finally some good press for the F.
D.
N.
Y.
Perolli got a call from downtown.
They were beaming.
Hey, some priest stopped by to see you before you got in.
Saw your picture in the paper.
Father Murphy from the Bronx.
Yeah? Never heard of him.
What'd he look like? Um, Willem Dafoe.
You know? The bad guy from the Spider-Man movie.
He was tall, thin, blond hair.
He was you, basically.
You guys saying I look like Willem Dafoe? No.
The priest looked like Willem Dafoe.
Oh.
- You look like Kevin Bacon.
- Kevin Bacon? Kevin Bacon's got a pig nose.
Hey, yo.
I just don't see it.
See what? Probie thinks I look like Kevin Bacon.
Kevin Bacon? No way.
Wayne Gretzky.
What? Yeah.
You know, the long nose, the skinny neck, the hair.
- Hey, Sean.
- Hey, guys.
Let me ask you something.
You think I look like Kevin Bacon or Wayne Gretzky? - Conan O'Brien.
- What? Yeah, without question.
That's great.
Thank you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! You see, it's all about busting balls.
Human shield! Human shield! Here's your monkey right here.
Tommy, it's your daughter.
Oh! Good boy.
Cloudland.
Uh-- He loves drama.
That's his thing.
Blood.
Surprise appearances.
Stigmata.
That shit's been working for over 2,000 years.
Did he try the regular-guy crap yet? The "I really need a sandwich" routine? Well, at least you got that to look forward to.
You mind? Make it a double.
Hey.
Hey! I have to get to work, pal! Hey! Son of a bitch.
What, you got something against firefighters, asshole? Huh? You know, I got two brothers who are cops, right? One of 'em works out of the D.
A.
's office.
Couple of weeks ago, I tried to piss on a pile of souvenirs down at Ground Zero.
You guys picked me up, I was out an hour later.
Okay? You hear me? Okay.
I guess what I'm trying to say is-- Unless you're plannin' on shooting me right now, I'm gonna kick your fat bagel ass up and down this entire shitty block.
Okay? You know what's funny? No.
What? The guy who just towed your truck away? He makes more money a year than you do.
Yeah, that is funny.
Tell you what.
Free shot.
Ow! So, when the F.
D.
N.
Y reads the report from the N.
Y.
P.
D.
that says you just broke your hand on a cop's face, your brothers-- they gonna make sure you get paid while you're out of action for the next three months? Hey! Aah.
Hey! Kiss my ass, jerk-off.
On another day C'mon, c'mon With these ropes I tied can we do no wrong Now we grieve 'cause now is gone Things were good when we were young With my teeth locked down I can see the blood Of a thousand men who have come and gone Now we grieve 'cause now is gone Things were good when we were young Is it safe to say C'mon, c'mon Was it right to leave C'mon, c'mon Will I ever learn C'mon, c'mon C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon Are you tired of the same old same old when it comes to makeovers? Wake up because this is not your ordinary makeover show.
Oh, no.
- It's okay.
You're eating for two.
- For two.
I know.
I'll see you later.
Bye, baby.
So I turned to alcohol to replace the affection my mother and father never gave me.
Anyway, without this idea-- A.
A.
-- without this particular group, without you guys and your willingness to listen, I'd still be drinking.
Thank you all so, so much.
Look, my name's, uh, Bob, and, uh, I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Bob.
Hi, Bob.
I, uh-- I just wanted to say, my mother was a controlling goddamn bitch too.
And, uh-- Now she's dead.
And my father is 82, and, uh, he still pretty much drinks more than I ever used to.
And when I was a kid, if I tied the bathroom up for too long, he'd also take the opportunity to remind me that my nose was always gonna be bigger than my cock.
I just met my new stepmother, and she's from Korea.
And I don't know her that well, but I'm pretty sure she's a raging alcoholic.
The point being that I didn't drink because my father called me a pussy or because my mother told me I was gonna be no good when I grew up.
I drank because I like to drink.
Okay? I like to drink.
I like vodka.
I like whiskey.
But I'd pretty much drink anything you put in front of me that had alcohol in it because I love to drink, okay? The only reason I quit was because I was gonna lose my job and probably my kids too.
So that's the deal.
Uh, you guys aren't keeping me from drinking.
It's the law, and, uh, God didn't make me quit.
It was my ex-wife, or my soon to be ex-wife.
Thanks.
Hey, I remember you from another meeting a couple years back.
You're, uh, Tommy, the firefighter.
No, no.
I'm a plumber.
Hey.
Nice thing you said there.
I really appreciate that.
I'm so sick of these whiners.
Good one, Bob.
Yeah.
See? Bob.
Daddy? Mmm.
What's up? Keela.
Oh.
Mmm.
Last night was so-- What? Nothing.
What, baby? Mmm.
You're probably sleeping with, like, six other people.
Forget it.
Dad.
Hang on, sweetheart.
Hey, I am not sleeping with six other people, all right? Dad! Two seconds, kiddo.
So maybe just a few? Yeah.
I don't think I like those odds.
Dad! Uh, hang on, Keela.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
What-- What odds? I said, "Are you sleeping with six other people?" and you said, "No.
" - I said, "A few?" and you said, "Yeah.
" - No, I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
- No, I didn't.
You know I have A.
D.
D.
, right? No, seriously.
I-- Wh-What were we talkin' about? You gotta be shittin' me.
Ow.
Geez.
Looks like it might be broken.
Nah.
It's just a sprain.
Why don't we go to the hospital? You get an X-ray.
You're no good to anybody working with a bum hand on the job.
I got to be back in that house.
I need the action.
Otherwise, I start drinking again.
Besides, I'm better with one hand than most guys are with two.
Yeah, I heard that about you.
Yeah.
Hey.
You know how people-- like, religious people-- are always saying stuff like, "Have you found Jesus?" Yeah.
Guess what.
I found him.
Oh, yeah? Where's he been for the last 2,000 years? Apparently, my new apartment.
Yeah.
He shows up, on the cross, half off the cross.
When you quit drinking at first, did stuff like this happen? I don't even know if I believe in the goddamn guy.
Well, maybe that's why he's showing up.
Listen, I used to get voices first two months I was sober.
Sometimes I thought, you know, it was, like, God.
Sometimes it was Satan.
Two months? Yup.
God was telling me I was a worthless piece of shit.
Satan's telling me I'm God's gift.
What did God sound like? Tom Hanks.
Figures.
Satan was a doubleheader.
One day he was, like, Jack Nicholson.
The next, you know, like, Hillary.
And then what? It just stopped? I made them stop.
How'd you do that? These got rid of God.
These got rid of Jack.
What about Hillary? Wow.
Any of these, um, painkillers? No.
Nice try.
Nothing self-prescribed.
They just kill psychological pain.
Oh.
Aren't these kind of, um, against the rules of A.
A.
? There are no rules,Bob.
The point is, priorities.
You know, I figure, if I'm not drinking today, I'm all right because I know God-- not the Catholic scary God that we grew up with, the real actual God-- is on my side.
Alrighty then.
You understand what I'm saying? Yeah.
I understand.
There is no God because you are god.
You're not listening, asshole.
- Listen, I'm just saying-- - What? What are you saying? You telling me you don't have some kind of God complex? I run into burning buildings to save people God apparently doesn't give a shit about, okay? So I got a suggestion.
Why don't you get down on your knees and ask Jesus why his father's letting this happen? We don't really talk about his dad.
I gotta go.
Hey, Tom.
What's Jesus look like? Mel Gibson.
Goin' deep! That's fantastic, Teddy.
Yeah! Scores! What's that? Eagles this year? I don't think so.
What's your touchdown dance, Teddy? - Yes! - Stop.
Stop! Goddamn it! Stop! - What's wrong, Teddy? - That guy! That guy standing right in my eyeline! Yeah, you! Harris? You think this is easy, numb nuts? I'm trying to be in the moment here.
I'm trying to pretend I'm a guy who's going to a football game to watch his team play.
I'm trying to be that guy, not some guy stuck in a studio under hot lights surrounded by the fruit of the month club! No offense, everybody.
None taken.
Eli, I need a moment.
Five minutes, people! What are you doing? Huh? You're a little half mast.
I don't even feel you.
I'm trying to-- Just give me a couple seconds.
Okay.
Okay.
Stop, stop, stop.
Usually when we get a hotel room, it really turns you on.
What's wrong? I don't know.
Maybe it's-- - 'Cause I'm going back to work today, I'm a little-- - It's my belly, isn't it? What? No.
It's not your belly.
- No, baby.
- You said "no baby.
" - No, I didn't.
- Ooh! No, I didn't.
I didn't say-- It's the baby.
What? No.
I said you-- I said, "No, baby," not meaning "no baby.
" The baby I meant was you, like, you know, you're my baby.
"No, baby.
" You.
Wait.
What-- You're confusing me.
You're confusing me! I know what I said.
You don't find me attractive anymore, do you? Of course I-- Sheila.
Listen to me.
Listen.
Of course I find you attractive.
Okay? I love your little belly.
I love your chocolaty lips and your chocolaty tits and your nice, soft, sweet little cocoa ass.
I think it's the booze.
You know what I mean? What? You can't have sex with me unless you're drunk.
I had a suspicion.
I had a hunch.
No.
I think since I quit drinking, it screwed up my pleasure center.
That's the only way you can forget about Jimmy and the whole situation.
That's not what I meant.
You're not listening to me.
What are you doing? Sheil-- Are you nuts? Yeah, that's a great idea.
That's real good for the kid.
Sheila.
Stop it! Stop it! Drink these.
No, I can't.
Do it.
I can't.
I'm horny, Tommy.
Sheila, I-- Listen to me! The only thing that I have in this world is Damien, okay? And he's almost 16, and he never tells me anything even remotely resembling the truth about what's going on in his head because he doesn't want me to know how bad he feels, how much he misses his dad.
So I stay home, and then I dream about the two or three times a week when I'll get to have physical contact with you-- your muscles and your smell.
Sheila.
And your hands on my skin, on my ass, on my tits.
I don't give a shit about A.
A.
I think that the real battle is between your cock and your liver.
And you can buy a new liver.
Here.
Drink this.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh.
I gotta go.
Ow! Oh, my God.
Oh! We thought you were dead, asshole.
Hey! How you doing? Why'd you think I was dead? Well, you called Tommy and you said that you owed money and that some guy was following you.
Oh, you must mean Perry.
Yeah, I thought he was a leg breaker.
Boy, was I wrong there.
Turns out he's a talent scout for Big Skin Pro Gear.
Real football fans weren't buying because of the models.
They were using your typical male-catalog models.
You know, thin, good-lookin'-- Gay.
Exactly! So, they figured, why not use models that look like actual football fans? Well, look no further, my friend.
I am a professional plus-size model.
Care for some Gorgonzola? No, I'm trying to drop a few pounds.
Man, you know how much money I'm taking in? How much? Ten large.
Ten large? Yup.
Pass me that Gorgonzola.
Yeah? Is it true? What? Mickey said you quit drinking and you're going to meetings.
Yeah.
You happy now, ass wipe? Yeah, I'm as hard as a rock.
That's good 'cause I need you to fix some shit with this Jew bag beat cop.
The guy I told you about.
I think I broke his nose this morning.
It's a long story.
I need you to get the whole thing taken care of, 'cause I'm back in my old house today.
Plus I need you to get my truck taken care of because he had it towed.
On top of which I need you to investigate that hick fireman who was banging Janet.
Let me get this straight.
You quit drinking, but you're going around beating up cops? - This city was safer when you were a drunk.
- Yeah, blow me.
All right? - Tommy.
- Johnny? - Tom.
- Hey, I held up my end of the deal, okay? I quit drinking, all right? Find my truck, find my kids and get that bagel cop off my block, all right? That's a wrap, everybody.
I can do this.
Do what? This! That-- what you just did.
Pretending to throw a football and smiling like a goddamn fool.
Jesus Christ.
Talk about easy money.
Hey, slow down there, short stuff.
It may look easy 'cause I make it look easy.
Eli says I have a natural talent.
For what? For being a big, fat, happy-go-lucky slob? Bet your balls you do.
Hey, introduce me to your agent.
Okay, but not everyone gets to go to the big show.
If by "big" you mean fat, you definitely hit the nail on the head, lard ass.
-Hey.
- Hey.
- Whoa.
What's with the piece? - Huh? The gun.
Oh, n-- nothing.
I just-- You're not thinking about using that thing, are you? No.
Listen, I heard about you and Theresa.
You're not gonna off yourself, are you? No.
Of course not.
All right.
What are you gonna do? You're not gonna shoother? I was maybe gonna scare her a little.
That's a good idea.
Chicks love that.
Wave a gun in their face-- instant blow job.
It's just so goddamn frustrating.
All right.
Calm down.
Geez.
You know what we can do to blow off some of that steam? What? Take that puppy out to the firing range, squeeze off a couple hundred rounds.
You ever done it? I'm like the Dirty Harry of the F.
D.
N.
Y.
- Who? - You know, Clint Eastwood? Yeah.
Dirty Harry? Yeah.
The Outlaw Josey Wales? Are we still talking about Clint Eastwood? Forget it! I sawMillion Dollar Baby.
Engine.
Ladder.
Hey, you think Hillary Swank could kick her husband's ass? - Who's she married to again? - Chad Lowe, Rob Lowe's little brother.
I know that guy.
Every time she wins an Oscar, he's in the audience crying his ass off.
He's a pussy.
Everybody make your picks.
I'm going Swank.
- Swank.
- Swank.
- Swank.
- I used to have a subscription to that magazine.
Hey, what's up, Chief? You all right? Caught wind of a problem with Lou.
Apparently Laura screwed up, and Lou got pissed at her and called her a name.
And she dropped a dime on him down at headquarters, and now they wanna suspend him.
- Yeah.
What'd he call her? - A twat.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
She hates that word.
Well, all chicks do, right? Zeta-Jones.
Zeta-Jones.
- Zeta-Jones.
- Zeta-Jones.
You're not messing around with her, are you? What are you, nuts? She's not even my type.
Franco, she's got two tits, a pussy, and she's breathing.
So my taste in women has a wide set of parameters.
But I ain't that goddamn stupid.
- I would hope not.
- Chief.
Hey, look, I got enough on my goddamn plate, between Tommy, my wife and Lou.
Enough bullshit.
That broad is trouble.
Now, just stay the hell away from her, huh? I don't know what you're talking about, Chief.
Before the accident? Before the accident.
Siegfried.
copy that transmission.
Battalion 15 to Manhattan, we got smoke blowing out of the third floor on a five-floor walk-up.
Boys, we got a report from the dispatcher of a kid being trapped on the top floor.
Tommy, you take missy and do a search.
Lou, take the probie, go around back, go to the roof and help them ventilate.
Garrity, get up in that bucket.
Once again, transmit the 10-75.
What's the matter with your hand? Nothing.
I hurt it jerking off.
Go check that out.
All right.
The roof is open, Chief.
Checking exposures now.
Chief, find the girl? That's a negative on that.
- Well, you give us a signal, we'll take out the windows.
- You got it, Lou.
Mommy, are you here? Hey.
Here you go, sweetheart.
You're all right.
Come on.
- My mommy went to the store.
- That's okay.
Give me your hand.
I'm afraid of the fire.
No.
There's no fire in here, sweetheart.
Give me your hand.
Come on.
Here.
Here.
There you go.
You're fine.
Chief, I got the 10-45.
I'm bringing her out.
Good, Tommy.
Bring her out.
Okay.
Here, let me hold your cat, sweetheart.
Give me your cat.
Tommy, come on out.
Take it easy.
Tommy's out? -Should we take out the windows? -That's a negative on those windows.
- Don't take those windows out.
Do not take those windows out.
- What did he say? - He said take the windows.
- Do not vent the windows-- Fucking radio.
Come here.
That's it.
Cover up, sweetheart.
Chief! Mayday! Mayday! Gotta get that bucket up here right now! Battalion 1-5, clear the air.
We got a Mayday! Stay down, sweetheart, all right? - Are you ready? - Shit! The bucket's stuck.
- Come here, sweetheart.
- Hold on, Tommy! Don't go! -Tommy, what are you doing? Wait, Tommy, no.
Oh, Jesus! Hang on, sweetheart.
Oh, Jesus.
It's gonna be okay.
Mr.
Whiskers.
Mr.
Whiskers! Goddamn it! Mr.
Whiskers.
He's lucky he knows his goddamn name.
Where is he? Jesus Christ.
No time to talk right now, pal.
Just take the cat and go.
Here he comes.
All right, catch! You ready? - All right.
- What-- Was that a cat? Here I come! Come here! You all right? All right.
Here we go again.
Welcome back.
Hey, check it out.
Hey, 62 Truck! Brighter Harlem, baby! Yeah! Who gave the order? There was no order.
It was a miscommunication.
These goddamn walkie-talkies.
Thank God we had the spare rig, otherwise we wouldn't have had a bucket.
Hey.
What the hell? Want me to stand behind the rig so you can just back the thing over me? I'm really sorry, Tommy.
I thought I heard the go-ahead.
Life and death, kid.
Life and death.
Get out of here.
Hey, Tom, you think that group shot of us is gonna end up in the paper tomorrow? I sure hope so, man.
62 Truck deserves the attention.
Hey, that was something else.
Welcome back to the house, you douche bag.
All right.
All right.
What is this, some kind of a goddamn party? Hey.
You're back in the house, Gavin.
Yeah? But you make one mistake, just one-- you so much as forget to flush a toilet, and you're back out in the goddamn boonies sitting on your bony Irish ass, praying for some Boy Scout to rub two sticks the wrong way.
Yeah, I got it.
Lou! Jerry! Up in my office now! What was all that about? I forgot to back Lou up in a fire last week, or I was confused.
Whatever.
And he called me something he shouldn't have.
I asked him to apologize, and he refused.
So you called headquarters? I had to.
I'm a firefighter.
I have the same job as you, and I come in here every day, and it's "honey" and "missy" and "sweetie" and "Barbie" and now this? If I don't do something, I'm letting down every other little girl who comes in here after me.
So what'd he call you, the "B" word? No.
He called you the "C" word? No.
He called you a twat.
You know, this conversation's over.
He called you a twat! You don't deny that you said it to her? Nope.
And that it was just the one derogatory term, and you said it only once.
Correct.
It's your word against hers.
Nobody else heard the conversation.
You deny, deny, deny.
The guys will back you up.
We'll freeze her out, and I'll bet my left nut she requests a transfer within three weeks.
You don't play the game, we have to go with the choices headquarters gave us.
Which are? They're not good.
Basically, you accept the 30-day suspension.
Without pay, Kenny.
Or you stay on the payroll, and you go through sensitivity training.
Sensitivity training? Laura, the thing is, we call each other names all the time.
- It's, like, you know-- What do you call it? - Name-calling? No.
It's like, uh-- It's like ball busting, but more-- more-- Camaraderie.
Yeah.
No.
- No, no.
- It's part of being on a team, you know? You joke around, you jibe, you cut.
I never sit around with my girlfriends and call them a twat.
I was on the basketball team in high school.
I was on the girls' softball team in college.
And I never called any of those women a twat.
You know why? 'Cause every woman I've ever met finds that word offensive.
Not as offensive as the other word, but, you know, in a race they're neck and neck.
Yeah, but you know what? Now you work at a job with men, okay? Highly populated by men.
A job you chose to do.
So you gotta cut the men you work with a little slack.
I thought the word that women hated most was the "C" word.
I thought they invented "twat" so no one would have to say the other word ever again.
I think men invented both and never bothered to check with women about either.
Okay, what would you prefer then? That we come up with, what-- a brand-new word? I mean, I don't know.
A combination of the two? Whoa.
"Cwat.
" No, no.
I was thinking more like "twunt.
" Aw, come on.
That's funny.
- "Twunt.
" I like that.
- I'm sticking with "cwat.
" - Nobody likes it, Sean.
- Why don't we ask Laura? She's the only one affected in this particular case.
She's the only one affected by either of these words.
Laura, what's your opinion? I actually find "cwat" more offensive than "twat," monkey boy.
"Monkey boy"? You sure about this? I'm sure.
You don't want to take a little bit more time? It's final.
All right.
I'll call headquarters, tell 'em.
Sensitivity training it is.
This could open up another whole can of worms.
Well, you know what, Jer? Worms have rights too.
God, Laura, this shit doesn't mean anything around here, okay? I call Tommy a mick, he calls me a spic.
Sean calls Mike a stupid guinea-- Hey! I know, I know.
You're not stupid.
The point is this.
We all use every ethnic and personal slur in the book against each other.
- You name it, we say it.
- It's true.
Cock breath.
- Shithead.
- Ass wipe.
- Numb nuts.
- Ball face.
- Shit for brains.
- Dipshit.
- Pussy.
- Prick.
- Dick.
- Scumbag.
- Dick face.
- Uh, ape ass.
- Ape face.
- Pencil dick.
- Tight ass.
- Needle dick.
- That's not even getting into any of the gay stuff.
- Well, that's debatable.
Yeah, but nobody's been emotionally affected by the words we just used.
Right? Yeah.
What were those things you were saying about the ape things? Look, we're getting off the point here, okay? The point is, when I run into a burning building, I don't go in with the Bible in my back pocket or with God at my side.
I run in with a couple of pieces of steel in my hand and you guys-- all of you guys.
And if we're lucky enough to make it back here alive, part of the job is sitting down and owning up to the mistakes you made.
Like the probie today-- He screwed up and he owned up.
That's the deal.
You can't legislate courage.
You can't run down to headquarters and buy yourself a big bag full of balls.
There's no judge on Earth who can order you to give enough of a shit about other people that you go running into eight floors full of flame.
It takes guts.
You let Lou down, he called you a twat.
Get over it.
The real issue is, next time we're in a fire, are you gonna be where you're supposed to be-- watching somebody else's back, okay? Twat, cwat, bitch or twunt-- Do your job the right way, people'll call you names you wanna hear.
Hey, what did you mean before when-- Your new haircut makes you look like a monkey, and not a cute one either.
Hey.
What are you taking? Oh, uh, prescription.
Vicodin.
My shoulder.
You know? They're still prescribing those things like, what, four months later? What are you doing, using Elvis's doctor? Nah, I got a source.
I'm just on them for a couple of more weeks.
I'm back in the gym.
Soon as I get my strength back to where it used to be, I'm off 'em.
Well, I'm just saying there's a guy I quit drinking with, man.
I just found out a couple of days ago he's still taking tons of pills.
Sometimes you don't realize, especially when they're strong, how dependent you get on them.
Ah, no.
I'm good, bro.
All right.
If you're having a problem, you want to talk to somebody, you can always talk to me.
All right.
Thanks.
All right? Yeah.
Okay.
Hey, uh, your source-- Can he get, uh, Viagra? No, no, it's not for me.
It's my, uh-- my old man.
He's banging this chick, this young chick.
Yeah, I'll look into it.
Cool.
I'll get back at you.
Thanks, man.
Yeah.
These goddamn things would choke a horse.
Whew.
For his own good.
No way.
I look like a goddamn-- Spider monkey.
Shit.
So-- Sorry.
Goddamn it.
Stupid barber! You went to a barber? It was 10 bucks, all right? - Christ! - Holy shit, Sean.
That's some real live Steven Seagal mojo you got going on right there.
Steven Seagal? Yeah, man.
Damn.
All right.
You know what? This is a huge mistake.
I'm shooting out of anger, which is-- it's not only wrong, it's dangerous since it made you think of quite possibly the worst action hero of all time.
All right, you're up.
Come on.
I want you to hit the last bottle on the left, all right? Just, uh, hold your arm out nice and straight.
Use your other arm to steady it, if you want.
Okay.
Okay? You ready? All right.
You can close one eye, if it helps to aim.
And then, you know, just take a deep breath and-- Wait.
Yeah, I think he's still breathing.
What? That's the sound of the wind whistling through the gaping hole you just blew in its midsection.
Jesus.
Guns are no joke.
Imagine if this cat was your ex-girlfriend.
It wouldn't really matter.
One bullet would've just made her angry.
Excuse me.
We got an emergency.
This cat's been shot.
Dr.
Collins? Whoa.
Who shot it? Him.
Mm-hmm.
- Why, might I ask? - Um, we were hunting, kind of.
- For cats? - No.
No, no, no.
It was, um, actually-- Follow me.
Not you.
What's the matter? Hmm? Oh, it's nothing.
Are these your usual? It'll take me a day or so to get the Viagra.
Actually, it's not Viagra.
It's a longer-lasting one.
Oh.
Which longer-lasting one? I think it's the 18-hour one.
Wait, no.
It might be the 36-hour.
Shit.
There's so many.
I don't know.
Yeah, well, the guy's in his 80s.
Thirty-six hours might be longer than he has to live.
What? The only time we get together is when you come pick up your weekly stash.
Oh, come on, baby.
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
You come here, we bang our brains out, you take your pills then you leave.
Every Thursday.
Oh, is today Thursday? - Yes.
- Okay, so it's true.
Why can't we go out? Or to dinner, a movie or both? We can.
Of course we can.
Really? - Yeah.
Why not? - Tomorrow? Uh, no, baby.
I gotta work.
What about Saturday? I'm at my parents all weekend.
I'm working on Monday, got a thing at Keela's school on Tuesday, fixing a friend's place on Wednesday.
So, uh, why don't we say next Thursday? Dinner? Dinner and a movie.
You pick.
Cool.
Cool.
And don't forget my pills, okay? It'll just be a minute.
Why don't you have a seat? Okay.
All set.
Oh, is he gonna be all right? Him? He was a paperweight with fur about two seconds after the bullet hit.
These are my numbers-- home, office, cell.
I like men who are smaller than me.
Being a firefighter just adds extra points.
You leave first.
Oh.
You know, I could really use a sandwich right about now.
That's funny? Well, yeah.
It's exactly what your mother said, uh, you would say.
She have kind of a henna shade hair? Kind of reddish? - Yeah.
- Was she drinking? Yeah.
Scotch? Irish whiskey actually.
Rocks? Yeah.
That wasn't my mom.
That was my girlfriend.
- Mary Magdalene.
- Oh.
She hates my guts.
Well, no, she loves me and she hates me.
I was never home.
I was always out with the guys.
I never took her anywhere.
Blah, blah, blah.
I don't have to tell you about that bullshit, right? Yeah, broads.
You making me a sandwich or what? Yeah, let me see what I have.
Lettuce, pickles.
If I stepped it off Walked outside your trance Crawled inside your mind And got my hand into your pants Don't forget the alcohol Ooh, baby, ooh, baby Don't forget the alcohol Ooh, baby Don't forget the alcohol Ooh, baby, ooh, baby Don't forget the alcohol Ooh, baby, ooh, baby Ooh, baby, ooh, baby Ooh, baby, ooh, baby Ooh, baby, baby Ooh, baby, baby Don't forget the alcohol Don't forget the alcohol Don't forget the alcohol "Little girl is hurled.
" That's great, man.
Finally some good press for the F.
D.
N.
Y.
Perolli got a call from downtown.
They were beaming.
Hey, some priest stopped by to see you before you got in.
Saw your picture in the paper.
Father Murphy from the Bronx.
Yeah? Never heard of him.
What'd he look like? Um, Willem Dafoe.
You know? The bad guy from the Spider-Man movie.
He was tall, thin, blond hair.
He was you, basically.
You guys saying I look like Willem Dafoe? No.
The priest looked like Willem Dafoe.
Oh.
- You look like Kevin Bacon.
- Kevin Bacon? Kevin Bacon's got a pig nose.
Hey, yo.
I just don't see it.
See what? Probie thinks I look like Kevin Bacon.
Kevin Bacon? No way.
Wayne Gretzky.
What? Yeah.
You know, the long nose, the skinny neck, the hair.
- Hey, Sean.
- Hey, guys.
Let me ask you something.
You think I look like Kevin Bacon or Wayne Gretzky? - Conan O'Brien.
- What? Yeah, without question.
That's great.
Thank you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! You see, it's all about busting balls.
Human shield! Human shield! Here's your monkey right here.
Tommy, it's your daughter.
Oh! Good boy.
Cloudland.