Retired at 35 (2011) s02e04 Episode Script

I think I got all my dad's stuff.
Foot powder, fiber pills, giant reading glasses.
Hey, you think your dad could spot me some lightbulbs? No.
No.
He goes over the receipt, he counts everything to the penny.
What if we don't get him the reading glasses? Whoa, purple, purple, purple.
All right.
Yeah.
How much is it if I take this off? $16.
40.
How about this? $12.
22.
I'm really sorry, my coupon's expired.
Oh, that's no problem.
Could I-- I mean, could I help you out? I could cover that for you.
I can't ask you to do that.
No, really.
I'm happy to.
I don't know, really? You make us all late, take the help.
That's right, let him.
He's a big-time architect, he can afford it.
Oh, I don't know if I'd say, "big-time.
" Um, but I'm happy to help out.
She'll take everything.
It's very kind of you.
Um, sure.
Here you go.
Wow, I've had guys buy me drinks, but never raw meat and Drano.
I'm Jenn with two "n"s.
I'm David with two "d"s.
I have one at the beginning and one at the end.
Um, here's my number.
Text me your info and I'll pay you back.
It was nice meeting you.
Yeah.
Whoa.
I am going blind.
I thought you were a dude.
What's new? Nothing much.
Just running a few errands, got my oil changed, Jared's moving in with me, picked up my groceries.
Whoa, whoa.
What was the second one? Jared's moving in with me.
- Moving in together, huh? - Yeah.
All right, okay.
I'm sorry, did-- did I miss a wedding? Oh, Allen, this is how they do it these days.
They live with each other to see if they like being with each other.
Oh, yeah? Well, guess what.
At some point, they won't like being with each other, but it won't matter, because they'll be married.
Hey, guys.
You got my foot powder? Actually--funny story--no, I don't have your stuff, because I helped a woman pay for her groceries and she was really cute.
But she was no you.
You got scammed.
What? No, no.
She just ran a little short.
See, she had all these coupons-- Oh, of course.
A pretty girl with coupons batting her eyelashes.
It's a scam, I've done it myself.
Everyone's getting taken-- my son, my daughter.
I'm not getting taken.
What's going on? She's letting her boyfriend move in with her.
Wow, your boyfriend's moving in with you? Yeah.
Congrats, buddy.
I got it.
Look, it's our son, the mark.
Maybe we can get him with a Nigerian Internet scam.
Hi.
Oh, hey, guys, look who it is.
It's Jenn, the woman from the grocery store.
Hi, Jenn.
Hi, David.
Please, please.
Come in, come in.
These are my parents, Alan and Elaine.
Hello.
Very pretty, typical grifter.
So, you live here with your folks? Uh, yeah, yeah, I do right now just because they're losing it a little bit.
What are you saying? See? They're also a tad deaf.
Hi, there.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Jenn.
Nice to meet you too.
Why is she yelling at us? I brought the money I owe you.
Thanks so much, I mean, really.
Hmm, did you hear that? She brought the money she owes me.
It was very kind of your son to help me out.
You've raised a good guy.
Thanks.
Five bucks says she leaves with his watch.
You know what, Jenn? Really, just you offering the money is enough.
So, please, the groceries are on me.
That's so nice.
Tell you what, let me at least take you to dinner.
Great.
You want to take me to dinner.
She wants to take me to dinner.
Shouldn't she be taking us out to dinner? I don't care if she's a con arist.
It's his first decent shot in months.
Let the boy mate.
Hey, sweetie.
How was work? - Good.
- Great.
Listen, I wondering if I could maybe bring my couch instead of this one.
This looks like a big school bus parked in the middle of the room.
Oh, listen, Jared.
I was talking to my dad and he said something that kind of got me thinking.
What did your dad kind of get you thinking? Well, are you sure this moving in thing is a good idea? Um, yes.
That's why I hired movers.
And broke my lease with my landlord, who I think is Armenian, but is definitely mob-connected.
No, it-- I mean, if you move in here, do you think that one day we might take it to the next level? I thought this was the next level.
Why is there always another level? It's just my dad.
Your dad, boy, oh, boy.
He is in this.
Jared, if you move in, do you think maybe one day we might get married? Whoa, the "m" word.
Let's slow this gallop down to a trot.
Marriage, is that why you asked me to move in here? No, no.
Because it sounds a lot like I've been baited into some kind of marriage trap.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe, I need air.
I need time and space and air.
So, how did you become an architect? Oh, well, oh.
Uh, oh-- okay, well, you know, it happened kind of sudden actually.
But it's a natural fit, really.
I grew up around buildings.
I've always been fascinated by architecture.
Like what type of column is that? That one? Okay.
That is what we in the industry call, uh, "Column B.
" That's column "A.
" And that's column "B.
" Really? You're just-- you're just teasing me.
Yes, I am.
Look at you.
You saw right through.
Um, but you know what, let's not talk shop.
I mean, let's-- you know, let's talk about us.
You know, I thought your mom and dad were charming.
Oh, of course you did, you just met them.
But see, I met them 35 years ago, so we have a history.
Come on.
They can't be that bad.
Really? Okay, well How about this? Um, they both think-- they both think you're a con woman and you're trying to take me for my money.
Got me.
I travel the country trying to trick men into buy me pork loin.
I swear, I will never con you.
- Thanks.
- I got it.
Oh, really? That's-- that's a biggie.
I happen to think you're worth it, so far.
Hang on a second, I missed a call.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
God, what are these? Like, $60 mints? David, I have an emergency, I got to go.
Really sorry.
No, that's fine.
Is everything okay? Dad, hi.
And then Jared said I was moving too fast and we got into this huge fight and I don't think he's ever coming back.
This is all your father's fault.
Turn around, turn around, turn around.
Allen, halt! What did I do? You offered your opinion.
You got in my head about the move in, Dad.
You can never get in there.
Things go in and they never come out.
I didn't mean to get in your head.
Thanks a lot, Dad.
I have no boyfriend and now I hate my couch.
Why did I offer my opinion to my daughter? I'm so stupid, stupid, stupid.
Oh, don't feel bad, Dad.
Here, have a $60 mint.
Hi, Mr.
Robbins.
Jared, thanks for coming by.
Have a seat, son.
This fight with Amy is my fault.
I think Amy really didn't get my point across the way I intended.
Well, she said she shouldn't give the milk away for free, that I was just using her, and that no man would need a woman to pay half his bills.
So, she did do a pretty good job.
But after talking with my lovely, sweet wife, I've reconsidered my position.
Wow, flip-flop.
I cannot keep up with you people.
I was wrong before.
Look, I have back problems and sometimes I take one too many pills and then stuff just comes out of my mouth.
I'm sorry, so you're saying you want me to move in with her? Yes.
Yes, I do.
But, Amy wants a real commitment and I don't know that I'm ready for that.
It doesn't have to be a commitment.
It could just be a-- a commitment to commit.
And just to be clear, you're not on any pain medication right now? Here, this is for you.
For Amy.
A ring? You want me to propose to her.
You don't think that's a tad pushy? It's a key ring.
For when you move in together.
How big do you think her fingers are? Wow, it's Jenn again.
And a little girl.
This is my daughter, Chelsea.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You have a daughter.
Wow.
Hello.
What a cute little girl.
She roped in a kid, this is some grift.
This is why I had to run out of dinner last night.
Can we come in? Yeah, of course, please.
Hey, honey.
How about some coloring? Okay.
David, is there somewhere we can talk? Yeah, yeah.
Uh, in the kitchen.
Hey, Dad, can you watch Chelsea for a minute? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'll keep an eye on her.
You're cute.
One could almost say you're too cute.
You look like the old man from the movie Up! Wow, so you have your own human? I'm sorry.
I guess I should have told you beforehand about her.
No, please.
Don't apologize, it's okay.
I like kids and, you know, she's adorable.
Come to think of it, at the grocery store, when you were buying the Elmo toothepaste, that should have tipped me off, so-- You know, it's just-- you never know how guys are going to react to a single mom.
Well, it's-- it's got to be hard.
Right? Raising a kid alone.
I mean, uh, you know, I had a turtle once.
Big responsibility.
Ate a lot of lettuce.
I mean, like, huge heads of lettuce.
I always love it when people compare having a kid to having a pet.
It's all I know.
I miss Shelly.
He got carried off by a hawk.
So you're not mad? No, no, no.
Um, actually I'm kind of relieved, uh, please, um, because I need to tell you something too.
Boy, I'll tell you something, it is funny.
You are going to laugh, laugh, laugh.
Um, so, check this out.
I'm not really an architect.
Really? Yeah, really.
Oh.
Yeah, I had a corporate job in New York, but I hated it, so I quit.
Oh.
And that's why I live with my parents.
Oh.
Where is that hawk when you need it? Hey.
Oh, my.
Well, who's this little peach? This is my new friend, Chelsea, who thinks I'm a movie star.
He has good hair.
Chelsea is Jenn's daughter.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Chelsea.
I'm Elaine.
You're pretty.
No, you are.
No, you're pretty.
Okay, we both are.
Yay! So, you're 35, unemployed, and you live with your parents.
And I know what you're thinking "Jackpot.
" You know what? I got to go.
What? Why? Because I have this thing about liars.
I don't want to be around them.
And I don't want them around my daughter.
No, wait a second.
I'm sorry, you lied to me too.
I didn't lie to you.
How did I lie to you? Did I look you in the eye and say, "hey, I'm an astronaut.
" You didn't tell me about your daughter.
Now you're going to use my daughter against me? Hey, I just found out about her, like, ten minutes ago.
You see this, right here.
This is why I didn't mention her.
Why are you getting so mad? Because I like you.
Great, I like you too.
How do I know that's true? I can't do this.
Of course not.
My parents are in the next room.
You want to go in the backyard? No, I mean this.
Us.
Look, we've both got a lot of baggage and I kind of need a guy who-- God, how do I say this without sounding awful? You need a guy who will help you with your baggage and not add to it.
That was a good one.
Okay, honey, gather up your coloring book.
It's time to go.
Wait, where are you going? Couldn't you and Chelsea stay just a little bit longer? We'd like to, but it's time to say good-bye.
Oh, stick around, we'll bake some cookies, maybe take Chelsea out and get her a wagon.
A wagon? What is this, 1938? You've both been very kind, but we couldn't possibly take advantage.
Come on, Chelsea.
Bye-bye, Grandpa Alan and Grandma Lainey.
I love you.
- Bye, David.
- Bye.
Oh, that little girl kills me.
So, when are we going to see her again? Uh, well, you know, Jenn and I decided now's not a great time to be seeing each other.
- What? - Why? Because-- because she has a kid and I'm not an architect and it's complicated.
Architect? Was he ever an architect? I don't even bother trying to figure it out any more.
Oh, hey, Brandon.
Hey, Amy.
So, last time I was here, I noticed some of your lightbulbs were burned out and I thought to myself, "hey, I should buy Amy some lightbulbs.
" You know, because it signifies an idea.
I get it.
I got it, Brandon, thank you.
I'll go replace the bulbs.
Thanks.
Oh, Jared.
Hey.
Hi, Aim, can I come in? Sure.
I, uh, had a pleasant chat with your father.
Really? What'd he say? Well He had some interesting notions, actually, and uh, perhaps a mild pill addiction, but he convinced me that I need to make a formal commitment to you.
He did? What-- you said you weren't ready to make a commitment.
Yeah, but I am willing to-- and go with me on this-- make a commitment to commit.
What-- what that means is, I want to move in with you and live with you for a year.
You do? Yes, and if, at the end of that year, we're still getting along, we can talk about making it official sometime in the future.
So, this is kind of like a pre-engagement? Sure, let's say that.
And to symbolize that, I'd like to give you this ring.
It's a little big and plasticky.
Oh, no.
It's a-- it's a key ring, for you to put keys on.
I know.
Thank you, Jared.
Feels good.
Feels good, moving in here.
Going to be, like, the man, the protector.
Ah! Guy on the patio.
Here you go, guys.
Congratulations on your job, David.
Look at him, Alan.
Our son, the doctor of mixology.
My two favorite things: A working son and bourbon.
Hey, thanks for coming down.
Thanks for calling me.
So, you got a job.
Congratulations.
Thanks, yeah.
I just thought it was time to, you know, reduce some baggage.
Oh, listen, David.
No, no.
Really, it's okay.
It's okay, I just wanted to buy you a drink, you know.
Because I get one for free.
No, that's not it.
Look, I went home and I thought, "I just dumped a guy who bought me groceries, "whose parents love my kid, and who told me the truth before he got me into bed.
" What was I thinking? That's what I was thinking, "what were you thinking?" So, if you want to give it a shot, maybe we could work on our baggage together.
Well I don't know, I mean, between this job and all my architect work, I am booked.
Alan, look at that.
We just gained a granddaughter.
Hey, let's run out on the check.