Sanford and Son (1972) s02e04 Episode Script

Wow.
Five inches taller.
I could be on the Lakers team.
There.
Five inches taller.
Could have been a movie star.
My darling, if I were king I would give you my throne, darling.
Or another movie star, a tall one.
Listen, Scarlett, I don't give a damn.
Say, Pop, I can't find the thing.
I was upstairs and looking for Wait a minute.
Am I shrinking, or are you getting taller? High-heeled Italian boots? So what.
Everybody's wearing them.
At 65? No, at 4.
95 at Kinney's on the highway.
How'd you get them so cheap? Truck ran over 'em.
Man, would you look at them heels? You're gonna be walking downhill all night.
See, these boots ain't made for walkin'.
They made for standing along side of.
At least that's what the ad said: "Now you can be taller than she is.
" I don't believe you, Pop.
You're ridiculous.
You're going to all this trouble 'cause the barracuda's coming to dinner.
Listen, don't call Donna that.
Now you be nice to her at dinner.
And speaking of dinner, how much did you pay for that rump roast? - Five seventy-five.
So what.
- Nothing but the best, huh? Well, it lasts all week.
The Galloping Gourmet show yesterday was called How To Stretch Your Rump Roast.
So, that's what I'm gonna do, stretch my rump roast.
First, let me fix this.
Hey, Pop, you know you look ridiculous in them shoes.
You're tilting forward.
You're liable to fall right on your rump roast.
That ain't funny.
Let me get over here.
Oh, wow.
Help me get out of these things so I can finish cooking dinner.
Say, Pop, how come you're doing all the cooking tonight? Because Donna's working hard.
And stop asking so many questions.
Bring that wheelchair over here.
What's this old thing doing in here? Oh, Donna's bringing one of her patients for dinner tonight.
A patient? What's she bringing a patient over here for? Well, he's supposed to be with his son-in-law but he's out of town, so Donna's looking after him.
You know she's a practical nurse.
That's all we need is a sick old man over here for dinner.
Whatever you do, Pop, don't give him no rice pudding.
I can't stand when them old men get rice pudding on their chin.
It looks nasty.
Well, we won't have to worry about that.
We'll just put him in the wheelchair and give him a lamb chop bone to gnaw on.
- Where do you want this chair? - Over by the table.
Oh, no.
I don't wanna look at that old man when I eat.
Well, put it back there by that folding screen and then when he dozes off, we can hide him.
Boy, Pop, I see that barracuda's got you wound around her little finger.
Listen, Lamont.
You call Donna a barracuda again and I'll take this Italian boot and cave in your pasta fazule.
There's your fiancée now.
You try to be nice to her tonight, you hear? Just for a change try to be nice to her.
- Donna.
- Good evening, Fred.
- Good evening, Lamont.
- Hello.
How are you? Mr.
Wilcox will be in in a minute.
Maybe the old-timer's having trouble getting out of the car.
I'll give him a hand.
Good evening.
Good evening.
Good evening.
Be of good cheer, Osgood is here.
Mr.
Wilcox, may I present my fiancé Fred Sanford and his son Lamont.
- How do you do? - Lamont, Fred, Osgood Wilcox.
How do you do? - You're in pretty good shape.
- Indeed, I am.
I did 30 push-ups, 50 sit-ups and jogged What did you do? He read Dear Abby, stood up too fast and almost fainted.
I'm in good condition for a man who's had several abdominal operations because I've had this little sweetie pie to take care of me.
Honey, why don't you go and sit down and relax? - All right.
- Lamont will give us some drinks.
Do we still have some of that good sherry left? - Yeah, it's in the refrigerator.
- Well, bring it out, son.
And use them good jelly glasses.
It's a very interesting little place you have here, Sanford.
- What's your game? - Keno.
What's yours? No, no.
I mean, what do you do? - Oh, I'm a coordinator.
- You're a coordinator.
- What do you coordinate? - Junk.
Hey, Pop, can I see you in the kitchen for a minute? That kid can't find nothing.
Donna, will you explain to him what it is I collect? See, I'm not just an ordinary coordinator, I'm a collector.
Oh, you're a collector.
What do you collect? Antiques? Bric-a-brac? Objet d'art? That's right, junk.
Charming fellow.
Charming.
I told you the wine was right over here.
I know that, Pop.
I wanted to talk to you for a few minutes in private.
About what? What was it you said that dude out there was, her patient? - That's right.
- Uh-huh.
- What does that mean? - That means he's her patient like Richard Burton is Elizabeth Taylor's patient.
Oh.
What are you talking about? She's his nurse.
Maybe that's the way it started.
I'm telling you, Pop, that dude out there is her boyfriend.
Donna and I are engaged.
Why would she bring a boyfriend here for? Get the bidding started.
Get two guys competing against each other.
You've been watching too much Peyton Place.
- Get the wine.
Come on.
- I ain't gonna say another word.
- I hope you don't.
- I'm gonna mind my business.
- Please do.
- I ain't gonna say nothing.
Yeah, I'm sorry we was too late.
Had to go down to the basement and get the refreshments.
White wine.
Nothing like white wine.
White wine should be drunk young.
Yeah, I was drunk when I was young.
Oh, it's sherry.
Nothing like a good sherry.
Harvey's? No, Thrifty's.
Say listen, Wilcox, you don't have to stir it.
No, no, no, Fred.
Mr.
Wilcox is testing it for aroma and taste.
- He's quite a wine expert.
- Oh, like my cousin T.
J.
Oh, is your cousin a connoisseur? No, he's a wino.
Well, it has an interesting aroma.
Nice and fruity.
Fruity? Lamont, did you wash the jelly out of these glasses? I washed these glasses, Pop.
Well, it's pretty good for a domestic sherry.
But one finds the best sherry in Spain.
Yeah, but Thrifty's is closer.
The last time I had some real good sherry was with E.
W.
Webster the president of Westlander Insurance Company.
Yeah, well, the last time I had some real good sherry was with one-eyed Jimmy Bivens.
He's a big man in the pool hall in the billiard industry.
This reminds me of a very nice little raspberry cordial they serve at the Murietta Hot Springs.
Tell me, Sanford, you go there for the baths? No, I go upstairs for the baths.
See, I got hot and cold running water and a rubber plug and a plastic brush for my back.
Donna, you're gonna enjoy that tub once we get settled.
I'm sure I will.
Fours years ago when I broke my hip, Donna used to give me my bath.
Oh, really? She gave you a bath? It's normal procedure when the patient is incapacitated.
Is that what you were, incapacitated? Indeed, I was, and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Excuse me.
Pop, can I see you in the kitchen for a minute? - Check out the rump roast.
- Would you like me to do that? You just stay here and look after your patient.
Excuse me.
You know, you gotta keep your eye on the rump roast.
Can't let it stay there too long without looking at it.
'Cause you gotta keep your eye on it.
Well, now do you see what I'm talking about? Oh, what are you You heard him say he had a busted hip an operation on his stomach and he ain't got no hair.
Now what could he possibly do? I wouldn't know that, Pop.
Why don't you ask Donna? You watch your mouth.
Pop, don't you see what's happening? You're bait.
She's using you to get him.
What woman would want him after seeing him in the bathtub? I'm not gonna stand around here and watch that woman make a fool out of you.
I trust her.
She's wearing my engagement ring.
Oh, big deal.
You gave her a ring.
I'll bet you he gave her that watch she's wearing - Bet.
- Bet.
How much? - Six-pack.
- It's a deal.
- How we gonna find out? - I'm gonna ask her.
Wait a minute.
Don't you ask her.
See, you'll hurt your feelings.
I'll ask her.
You can't just run right in and ask something like that.
You gotta lead up to it.
I know how to do it.
Leave it to me.
Come on.
Yeah, we're gonna have a fine dinner tonight.
There's no kidding about that.
- The rump roast is fine.
- Good.
Donna, where'd you get that watch? I gave it to her.
It's a good-looking watch.
I bet it cost a lot of money.
Actually, there's another gift I'd like to give her.
Oh, really? And what is that? I'd like to take her on a trip to the Grand Canyon.
Three glorious days and nights at the Hiawatha Lodge.
- Stop it.
- When I'm calling you Donna, come on, honey.
Let's me and you check the rump roast.
Of course, but didn't you just check it with Lamont? Yeah, but this time I want a medical opinion.
Wait a minute, Donna.
I didn't bring you in here to check the rump roast.
- That was just an excuse.
- What is it, Fred? You ain't going down to the Grand Canyon with Osgood, are you? Why, Fred, I do believe you're jealous.
I'm not jealous.
I just don't want you running to the Grand Canyon with him.
Let him go down in that hole by himself.
Fred, dear, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
When are you gonna learn how to knock? I just wanted to know when dinner would be ready.
Why don't you both go and visit with Mr.
Wilcox and let me serve dinner? No, you're a guest here.
You go in, sit down and relax.
Go on.
- Are you sure? - I'm sure.
Oh, no.
Hey, come here, lover.
Listen, I'm up to my hips in rump roast.
I ain't got no time You should see this.
Come over here.
Oh, what are you talking about? What is it? Look at that.
They're out there dipping and everything.
Oh, that ain't nothing.
They ain't doing nothing but dancing.
Uh-huh.
All I know is that he's the dude with the dame and you're the chump with the rump.
- Now what are they doing? - They dipping and everything.
- How do you like them string beans? - I love the string beans.
They're very good for you.
They're full of calcium and iron.
Not these string beans.
They full of fatback and bacon grease.
You really enjoy cooking, don't you, Fred? I love it, Donna.
I'm gonna fix you some surprise meals once we get settled.
- You'll never have to cook.
- Oh, I like that.
Say, excuse.
What are you gonna do about getting a new nurse, Mr.
Wilcox? - How's that? - Well, you just heard pretty soon Pop and Donna will be married.
- You'll need a new nurse.
- What? Donna will never leave me.
We can talk about this some other time.
You're not going to continue to work after you marry Pop, are you? - She sure ain't.
- Now, Fred dear we can discuss it later, okay? I hate marriage myself.
Don't believe in it.
Tried it three times.
Know what I hate about it? All the talking.
Talk, talk, talk.
I love talking to Donna.
Donna is different.
I like talking to Donna myself.
Especially when she's massaging my toes.
She did your toes? Yes, Fred.
When Mr.
Wilcox was confined to a wheelchair.
Well, she did my toes too, and I wasn't in no wheelchair.
I was in the front seat of her new Volkswagen.
Did she ever do your neck till it cracked? Yeah, she did my neck till it cracked.
And the difference is with you, the cracking was medical.
With me, the cracking was love.
Excuse me.
Why don't we all have some dessert? I'll be happy to get it.
- Did you see that? - Did I see what? - How she took my hand.
- She took mine too.
Yeah, but she squeezed mine.
She took your pulse.
You're gonna hate to lose Donna after she marries Pop, huh, Mr.
Wilcox? - They're not married yet.
- You think we won't be? I don't know why a sweet young thing like Donna should go off and marry a man twice her age.
Twice her age? Are you kidding? You know how old I am? - Seventy-five.
- Fifty-nine.
- Sixty-five.
- Stay out of it.
At least I'm in good shape.
I don't need no nurse looking after me.
Neither do I need a nurse.
Donna is my companion.
She started out as my nurse, but now she's my companion.
We go to dinner together.
We go to the movies together.
- And dance together.
- That's right.
We dance together.
I saw y'all dancing.
Looked like she was holding you up.
Looked like she was carrying a tree stump.
- What are you talking about? - About that she's your companion.
She's your nurse.
That's what she is.
And you know why? Because you're sick.
Sick, am I? He's having a fit.
Hey, that's terrific, Mr.
Wilcox.
What's so terrific about lighting a cigarette? - Let me see you do it.
- I'm not gonna lay down on that floor.
Just because you know you cannot do it.
No, because I know what's been on that rug.
I hate to admit it, Pop, but Mr.
Wilcox has got a stronger arm than you have.
Who? Come over here.
- Move some of that stuff back.
- What are you gonna do? I'm gonna see how good he is at arm wrestling.
- Come on, muscles.
Sit down.
- All right.
Now, I'm gonna tell you this in front.
That snap, crackle and pop you'll be hearing, won't be no cereal.
It'll be your arm.
- Now ready? - Ready.
Wait a minute.
I wasn't ready, and you cheated.
- Let's try it again.
- All right.
I know what I can do.
This arm used to lift steel.
And iron.
Cast-iron bricks.
I'd lift a Ford and change my tire.
This is an arm here.
You can You lousy Pop! There now, are you satisfied? I got arthritis.
- Well, at least you have something.
- What does that mean? That means that in assessing your qualifications as a suitable mate for Donna, you've been found wanting.
Would you like me to translate? Would you like one across your lip? Pop, Mr.
Wilcox is a guest in our house.
I don't mind giving a guest one cross his lip.
Now I think it only fair to warn you that I'm quite skilled at karate.
This nigger's crazy.
These hands are registered as lethal weapons.
Mr.
Sanford, I'm a black belt.
I can see that.
All right.
Now you've been duly warned.
I will not take responsibility for what might happen.
Are you kidding? I'll left hook you to death.
No, stay out of it.
I used to spar with Jim Jeffries JackJohnson, Harry Wills.
Did you ever hear ofJess Willard? I'm the one who softened him up for Dempsey.
- Tommyrot.
- I fought him too.
Philadelphia.
December 6, 1928.
Knockout in six rounds.
I will not waste my time any further in this ridiculous discussion.
- I'm leaving.
Donna! - Put 'em up! Put 'em up! Come on, put 'em up! - Donna! - You'd better call Donna.
You're gonna need a nurse and a doctor when I get through with you.
Come on.
- No, get outta the way! - Donna! - Fred, what are you doing? - Put 'em up! - Pop! - Put 'em up! Come, Donna.
I try not to lose my temper in the face of absurdity.
All right! I'm ashamed of you! Are you all right? - Put 'em up! - I'm just fine.
Put 'em up.
Come on, I'll knock you out.
Put 'em up! He wouldn't put 'em up.
If he'd had put 'em up, I'd have shown him my famous bolo.
Wow! I hate the thought of killing a man over a woman.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hate to make you feel bad, Pop but didn't you notice something a little strange? What? She ran out and immediately took his side.
She didn't even ask you what the fight was about.
That's right.
All she said was that she's ashamed of you.
- That what she said? - That's exactly what she said.
Why you, Fred Sanford, a decent, hard-working businessman.
An honorable, law-abiding citizen.
A devoted and loving father.
She said she was ashamed of you.
Who does she think she is? Yeah, who does she think she is? Yeah.
I don't know who she thinks she is, but I know what she is.
- A barracuda.
- Right.
Fred Sanford, do you mind telling me what that was all about? What that ridiculous spectacle was all about? - Listen, I wanna tell you something - And I wanna tell you something.
I think your behavior this evening was childish and inexcusable.
The very idea of fighting a man like Mr.
Wilcox.
You didn't even ask to see what we was fighting about.
All you said was you was ashamed of me.
Lamont told me.
I didn't have to know what you were fighting about.
I only know that Mr.
Wilcox is a very sick man.
I know he doesn't look it.
He doesn't even know it.
But he's had a series of operations and he's not well.
He's my patient, and he's my responsibility.
And, Lamont, this entire thing might not have happened if not for you.
You encouraged it! If neither one of you can tell the difference between a patient and a fiancé, there's nothing more I have to say except good night.
And good-bye.
Hey, Pop, she didn't even let you Hey, Pop.
Pop! She didn't even give you a chance to say nothing.
Wasn't there something you wanted to say? - Yeah, put 'em up.
- What? I hope I didn't wake you, but I felt it was important.
No, I was in the kitchen fixing some hot chocolate.
- Would you like some? Sit down.
- No, thank you.
I've just come to return this.
- Your engagement ring? - Yes, Fred.
Don't do that, Donna.
I only got I'm sorry, Fred, but after what happened here tonight I don't think you and I can make a go of it.
I'm sorry about that, Donna.
I was gonna tell you, but you ran away.
Now you know I love you.
The only reason I was gonna fight Osgood is because I was jealous of him.
And because I got a dummy for a son.
- Do you really mean that? - Of course I mean it.
Well, then why don't you say it? Okay.
I got a dummy for a son.
No, I mean the part about your loving me.
I love you, Donna.
Here.
Put the ring back on, and forget about tonight.
- Okay.
- You mind kissing me in my robe or you want me to change clothes? No, it's all right.
Come over here and sit down, honey.
This is the way they do in those musicals when you make up.
I saw one last night on television and he said Do I love you Oh, my, do I Honey, indeed, I do Do I need you Oh, my, do I Honey, indeed, I do I'm glad that I'm the one who found you That's why I'm always Hanging around you Do I love you Sanford And Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.