Saxondale (2006) s02e04 Episode Script

Selfishness.
- Selfishness,
yeah. - Cruelty.
Cruelty? That's great.
What other words make us angry?
Global warming.
Oh, god, yeah. Don't
get me started on that.
Poverty.
Poverty.
-Bully.
-Bully! That's a great one.
Hatred.
Hatred.
Divorce.
Okay, let's move on now to
words that make us feel happy.
Divorce.
- Broadband.
- Broadband, that's great,
everyone loves broadband.
Um, now, I'd like you all
to try and think of words
that make you feel
neither happy nor sad.
Erm, words that elicit no response,
that are emotionally neutral.
Glass.
Glass, good.
- Stone.
- Stone.
Post-its.
Right, let's move
on from that exercise.
Erm, the point of which, by
the way, was to show you
Leicester.
Neutral words, erm, can help.
Roundabout.
Yes, good. The point of which, by
the way, was to show you there are
-Semi-skimmed milk.
-Semi-skimmed milk, for example.
That we can use to calm
ourselves in difficult situations.
In the United States,
erm, in prisons,
they paint the interior of
cells with neutral colours
to help pacify
violent offenders.
And we're doing much the same
thing using neutral words to elicit a
subliminal response and a
feeling of respite and calm.
-Rice cakes. Mug tree. 3 P.M.
-mmm-hmm.
Yeah, okay. It all feels good.
-Mild cheddar.
-We really have to move on to the next
-Dennis quaid.
-Dennis quaid?
Yeah.
Er, no, that is good,
that is good. Erm
Er, that works.
There you go, therapy in action.
Ah, ms Penelope has arrived.
Margaret, have her scrubbed and
brought to my bed chamber.
-Morning, Tommy.
-Morning.
Oh-ho! Look at David Hasselhoff
in these leather trousers.
Oh, it's hilarious.
That's brilliant.
So sad.
It's so rubbish, it's
actually good, isn't it?
Nice to see that Owen
maclaren gets a mention.
The anniversary of his birthday.
It's normally, er, Barnes Wallis
who gets all the fuss, isn't it?
Who?
Barnes Wallis.
Who's Barnes Wallis?
Who's Barnes Wallis?
Yes, who's Barnes Wallis?
Who's Barnes Wallis?
Yes, who is
-Have you not seen the dam busters?
-No.
The bouncing bomb?
Michael redgrave
played him in the film.
Who's Michael redgrave?
-Who's Michael redgrave!
-Tommy!
He played air vice marshal evill in
the battle of britain, you've seen that.
No.
You've never seen
the battle of britain?
Christopher plummer,
Kenneth more.
Kenneth more played, played, er,
er, Douglas bader in reach for the sky.
Who's Douglas bader?
Who's Douglas bader!
Oh, look, don't start that again, just
tell us about the bloke in the paper.
What, you've never
heard of Douglas bader?
He flew a plane, with no legs.
He had no legs on the plane.
"Today marks the
birthday of Owen maclaren,
"the wartime designer of
folding undercarriage for spitfires,
"who years later drew on
that knowledge to invent the
"revolutionary maclaren pushchair,
also known as the baby buggy."
Just thought it was
an interesting story.
-Mmm.
-Mmm.
It says here, the hoff gets his
leather trousers tailor-made.
He'd have to, wouldn't he?
They won't make them in his size!
How old is he?
Mmm. Must be late 50s?
You know, we are living in a truly sick
society when people are more interested in
poking fun at the trouser choice
of a vulnerable middle-aged man,
and by the way leather is
actually incredibly durable.
They're more interested in that than the
engineering brilliance of a man who took
knowledge gleaned in a brutal conflict
and used it to cradle an infant child.
It was a collapsible
tubular mechanism,
that collapsed in three
dimensions. That was the point.
It was aluminium,
so it was lightweight.
Yes, madam, within the hour,
as I explained earlier. Thank you.
Oh! You two have got to get straight
down to st Mark's school, yeah?
They reckon they've got a rat.
Oh, that secretary's a cheeky mare,
she's been on the phone giving it, all,
"oh, I need someone
straightaway."
I said, "I will send Tommy as
soon as." And she goes, "eh?"
I said, "excuse me? I thought
you were supposed to be a school.
"You don't say,
'eh', you say 'what.'"
pardon.
No, I was saying to her,
I need to get something
No, no, when you want
someone to repeat themselves,
you don't say, "what",
you say, "pardon."
Oh, well, Tommy, I'm sorry
we can't all be geniuses.
The plural of genius is
not geniuses, it's genii.
What? That doesn't
sound right, does it?
It may not sound right, Vicky, but
that hardly matters, considering your
literary acumen is based on a
subscription to heatmagazine.
What
is it this week? Um
Charlotte bronte getting out
of a taxi with no knickers on?
No? George eliot's
cellulite, new pics!
George eliot was a woman,
took a man's name.
So the joke works.
Yeah, there we go,
plural of genius, geniuses.
-Eh? What?
-Pardon.
-No, pardon.
-Eh?
Got you there! Oh, back to
school for you, Tommy, love.
Oh, yeah. Get your
little grey shorts on.
Can you imagine him in his
little grey shorts? Oh, bless him!
Yeah, oh, can't you just see it,
yeah? "Where's the new boy?"
"What, you mean that big
lad, with the beard, yeah?"
Do you know, the, um
Oh, look at him.
Oh, he's got himself all worked up
now, hasn't he, yeah? Big dumbo. Yeah?
Oh, don't worry, babe, we still
love you anyway, you big spaz.
Yeah, call you later.
90% of the information
on the Internet is incorrect!
Pardon?
Now, the thing about
these schools, Raymond, is
they're basically
Nissan car factories.
Cranking out robot kids.
Reliable,
conventional, don't rust.
Obviously that only
applies to nissans.
-Or actual robots.
-Or actual robots, yeah.
But, er, but this! Ha!
Old-fashioned, cramped,
probably leaks when it rains,
but take a ride in it, and Whoo!
You think heaven can wait.
People take a ride in a Nissan,
and they just think, "why am I alive?"
-Do they?
-Yeah, they do, yeah. They do.
How big's the engine?
No engine under there,
mate, just lift the bonnet,
there's two mechanical
fingers doing that.
To the mass production
of the human soul.
Teacher, leave
those kids alone
hey, teacher! Leave
those kids alone ♪
so that was the thing
about Carlyle, what I
Er, sorry, I was told
Hello, are you the rat catcher?
Pest control.
Erm, I was told that we could, erm
myself and the man that you can't see
Yeah, carry on.
-Don't mind us.
-Leave you to it.
Right!
The trouble with you young people
nowadays is that you've got no discipline!
Jesus, break out
the chains, why don't you?
Any more nonsense from you
and you will be physically punished
until you learn some respect!
Jeez, the guy's insane.
It's the sort of thing I might be
saying if I was standing in front of you
-in the victorian age.
-Oh, no.
Or if I was mr
barker in chemistry.
It's good how he did that.
-Yes, go and get some sticky traps and the pellets.
-Yeah.
So, what I'm saying is that
every generation thinks that
its youth is the
worst that ever was.
I mean, even in Shakespeare's day, Hamlet
was just a surly teenager, like you, Charlie.
Erm job done.
Prelim inspection, low-level
infestation, I'd say minimal presence.
Sorry, what do you mean?
Just er, just one rat.
Oh, great, thanks.
Oh. The victorians.
I thoroughly recommend that one.
Wilson talks about being able to
reach out and touch the century.
No, I've read it. I mean, the victorian
era was the blueprint for the modern age,
yadda yadda. The end. I just
didn't realise it was out in paperback.
I love the book.
I've got the hardback!
Do you not think that when he
draws his parallels with modern life,
it's just part of some
crypto-political agenda?
Nah!
Nah.
Where's Tommy?
He just went into
that store cupboard.
What for?
No idea.
Tommy?
No, no rats in there.
Just, er
Just, you know, sometimes they like to
seek out, you know, warm, confined spaces.
I know.
Yeah, I know you know. I'm just,
just telling you. I was just telling him.
Oh, dear.
You see him?
Cranking out brown-blazered robot boys,
like some mad, casually-dressed scientist.
I thought he seemed all right.
Oh, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond.
Do you think you'd
like to be a teacher?
Give it a rest. What, have people
coming up to me 20 years from now,
"ooh, you changed my life."
"Ooh, you gave me a
lifelong love of learning!"
I'd be like, "yeah, whatever, I'm trying
to get to homebase before it shuts."
Yeah, at least people don't go on at
us about how we change their lives.
No, no, they don't.
They just say thanks.
Yeah. And, you know,
when can I expect an invoice?
Yeah. Yeah, stuff like that.
All right, hombre?
Stealth pest control, we need to get
the key to the room next to the library.
Er, these guys have had
an operational breakdown
in the old arse-elbow
location department.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Key number 25.
They can tell you how to split
the atom, but it's riff-raff like you
and me they come to when
they've locked their keys in their car.
You're not wrong there, dude.
-Yeah, Tommy locked his key
-Shut up, Raymond.
The likes of us don't know anything
about the crimean war, but it's thickos
like you and me they come running to
when they want something practical done.
Yeah. Yeah, I know
what you mean.
I do know a bit about the
crimean war, namely that uh
I wouldn't give that lot five
minutes in the real world.
Namely, that most of the casualties
were sustained not in battle
Drop the keys off at
the pub across the road.
-Pop in for a drink.
-They're actually the result of disease and starvation.
We'll put the will to rights.
When Florence nightingale
famously discovered the, erm Lamp.
They've got sky sports.
Do they? Does this pub also have some
half-forgotten st George's flag bunting
stapled to a mock wooden beam?
Yeah, pop over.
Erm, no, thank you,
I'll politely decline.
Myself and my colleague, mr
fahy, have a prior engagement.
Come, Raymond, let us make
haste, we may yet catch that
rudyard kipling
documentary on radio 4.
I thought you wanted
to rent spider-man 2?
My good fellow, I was
merely jesting, you Dick.
Why are you talking like that?
I don't know, I don't
know, I panicked.
Hey, Tommy!
Still ridding the planet
of those pesky invaders?
Yeah, still, er, selling phones?
Oh, yes. And networks.
Oh, god, here he comes.
Working from home today?
Had a bit of a
late one last night.
What was it? Dead hooker
in the swimming pool?
Just a bit of a gargle
on the old plonka Rosa,
and watched a DVD. Da
Vinci code, have you seen that?
-Nah.
-No?
You think Jesus had a baby?
I don't really have a view.
I haven't seen the
film or read the book.
Oh! While I remember, erm, we are
putting together a little pub quiz team.
Ah, no, I can't. Erm, I've
got to put some boxes on a
Oh, no, sorry, the
reason I asked you is
shelf.
Some of the chaps are gonna
be rendezvousing at my gaff.
Erm, they're probably gonna need
both sides of the road for parking.
Oh, I'll just put the
car on the drive.
Oh, cheers! Yeah.
Yeah, it's gonna be quite a
mixed bunch there, I think.
You know, some of
those semi-skilled guys,
they know a damn sight
more than they think.
Yeah. Well, then the flipside is that
some of the suited and booted guys
turn out to be
thick as pig shit.
Well,
yeah. You got it!
It's funny, isn't it?
-It's funny, yeah.
-It is funny.
It's fucking funny.
Come on, Raymond.
-Let's go and see the caretaker.
-What?
I've got to apologise for being
a premier league cock jockey.
Takes a big man to
admit he was wrong.
An even bigger man
to say, "I'm sorry."
Does that make
you the bigger man?
Yeah, yeah, course it does.
Bloomin' hell, look at that!
Short cuts. That movie
is an Altman classic.
Funny, isn't it? You look at
someone, and you see the job and
they're a bit rough at the edges,
and just assume that they've
got no inner life and no
appreciation of culture.
It's not fair, is it?
-I suppose people look at you like that.
-No, they don't.
Hello.
-All right?
-Hello.
Yeah, I would like
to buy you a pint, sir.
And to what do I
owe this pleasure?
Well, just a gesture of largesse,
yeah, from one working man to another.
And I thought
perhaps we could, er,
sup and discuss
the work of Altman.
Oh, what, this?
Oh, yes, cracking stuff.
I like the ginger bird.
Yeah yes, Julianne
Moore, very good actress.
In most of them, they take their bra off,
but in that one she takes her knickers off.
Yeah, yeah, she's a very
enigmatic, brave performer.
No, you can see her Fanny!
That's, er, food for thought.
-We'd best be pushing on.
-Yeah.
There's a site on the Internet,
famous birds with their kit off.
Yeah, no, it's good
to have a hobby.
I thought you were
gonna buy me a pint?
Oh, yeah, erm
There you go, there's
£2.60. That should do it.
£3 should cover it.
Yeah, but I'd have to break into a tenner
and, just, I'm not prepared to do that.
All right.
-Who is it?
-Mary queen of Scots.
Yeah. You see, Raymond,
Mary Stuart, traditionally
portrayed as, erm, tragic figure,
fugitive, life brutally cut short,
yadda yadda, yawn, yawn.
But if that had been in my
history book at school, straightaway
-I would have been interested.
-Yeah.
I wanted to capture
her defiance.
Job done.
I mean, she speaks
to you, she sort of says,
"this guy might be about to
strike a blow for the reformation,
"but, er, I have still got butt cheeks
you could bounce a pound coin off."
Oh, that school phoned.
Oh, yeah? The clone factory.
Yeah, they want you to give a careers talk
to the pupils about working in pest control.
It's the last thing
you want, isn't it?
Weren't you just saying they
were a shower of hypocrites?
Oh, yeah.
Why do you all sit
in columns and rows?
Because we've been told to, sir.
-Because you've been told to.
-Yeah.
Do you always do
what you're told?
Let's sit on the
floor, for a change.
Come on, let's sit on the floor.
Erm, do we have to, sir?
Just do as you're told. I mean,
you know, let's experiment.
Yeah, get on the floor.
The navajo Indians sit on
the floor when they teach,
and, er, they treat
Oh, Jesus, I've got a
trapped nerve.
Sorry, it's not gonna work.
Uh, sit back on your chairs.
That was good to do, to illustrate
Something, you know, that if you think
that me throwing out the rule
book bothers you, I don't give a shit.
That's right, I swore.
Are you shocked?
Get used to it. Okay, let's throw everything
up in the air, see where it lands.
Don't get freaked out, dude.
Pest control, name
me some pests.
-Rats?
-Rats.
-Mice.
-Mice, yeah, yeah.
How about Gandhi?
There, shocked you again.
Gandhi was a pest.
He was a pest to
the establishment.
We did Gandhi last term.
Did you? What did they What
did they tell you about Gandhi?
He gained independence for
India through non-violent protest, sir.
That's an answer.
Let's throw let's throw everything
up in the air and just see where it lands.
We've just done that.
Well, we're doing it again, we're
gonna keep doing it till you get it right.
Er, so, just write down, erm, whatever
you think you've learnt today from, er, me.
Mr saxondale?
Yeah.
How can you claim to
be anti-establishment,
yet also be sceptical about
the environmental movements,
given that they are by their
very nature anti-establishment?
Boring!
But sir, I just
Listen, mate, I'd love
to talk to you about it,
but I've got to fill
in these vat returns.
-Please, sir
-Shh!
Right. Walk, don't run.
Hey, did you tour
with pink Floyd?
I was wondering when someone
was gonna ask me about that.
-Really, sir?
-Yeah.
What was it like?
-Oh, a couple of Floyd fans.
-Yeah.
Muy interesante. Yeah, well,
I'll tell you about it, warts and all.
Cause there were warts.
Erm yeah, first met
the guys back in '74, erm,
got quite Matey with Nick Mason.
Syd Barrett was a long, long,
sort of fading memory by this stage.
So the tour manager said,
"Tommy, strictly speaking,
"you're not supposed to do that."
I said, "Mitchell, strictly
speaking, Gandhi was supposed to
"shut it and open
a corner shop."
Eh? Let's not talk about
Gandhi again, anyway.
Tommy, we need to go.
All right, Tonto.
See you later, sir.
-Okay, see you.
-Pleasure.
Sure, yeah Hey,
less of the sir, okay?
Go on, get out of here.
-See you soon, sir.
-Shine on, you crazy diamonds.
Carp diem and all that.
But you know, have a
laugh, pull the odd stunt.
If you get your knuckles
rapped, who gives?
Me thinks I am corrupting
the young minds.
So, is that us done
for the day, then?
Yeah.
-Shall we go?
-No.
Why not?
Because they've glued
my arse to the chair.
I'll get some scissors.
I'm not cutting a hole out of a
perfectly good pair of black wranglers.
Those kids have got to realise
actions have consequences.
They're messing
with the wrong guy.
All right?
What's going on?
You are looking at the result of
decades of ill-discipline and neglect.
Not me, the system,
the school system.
They super-glued
his bum to the chair.
I'll speak to them. I'm afraid
they can be a bit boisterous.
I'm not laughin', mate,
I've got very sore buttocks.
They need a damn good thrashing!
Not not the kids!
Uh, we don't do corporal
punishment nowadays.
Oh, no, I didn't think so,
you give it, "ooh, the victorians
"they're just like us." Are they
bollocks! They were disciplined!
You, sitting on the edge of your desk,
all casual and relaxed, like Bryan ferry.
At least he wears a tie!
I think at their age,
everyone's a bit of a rebel.
Weren't you?
I still am, mate, I'm the full-tilt,
balls out, finger-flipping rebel.
But I do so with a highly developed
sense of civic responsibility.
-Is that your car?
-Yeah.
It's just high spirits.
Yeah? That's exactly what they
said about slobodan milosevic.
Did they?
You know they leak.
I know. And I love it.
I know.
Oh, hold up, I think
this is him now.
Yeah, it is. And I can confirm,
he is wearing his trousers. Yeah.
We shouldn't,
really, should we?
You all right, darling? I'll tell
you later. Yeah, okay, bye.
Tommy, babes, honestly, when I
said you should get back to school,
I said in your little grey shorts,
not in your big nylon y-fronts.
I don't wear nylon y
They're flannel cotton
trunks, for crying out loud.
Whatever. I just don't know why
you had to walk down that corridor
in your big smelly knickers.
Tee-hee.
Those children, they're gonna
need a lot of counselling, babes.
Darling, how on earth did you
manage to get your arse glued to a chair?
Vicky, I could explain it to you,
but unless I used words of less
than two syllables, I'd be as well
explaining it to a biscuit beetle.
Whatever, just don't sit
on that chair, all right?
Yeah, I get it, glue on seat, vee
funny. Check, must try harder.
Told you!
Don't lose your temper.
Fuck off! Sorry!
And now, stitch
that, memoirs of a gorbals childhood,
read by Ralph fiennes.
Magz?
Do you want a half
a king-size Mars bar?
No, I've just had a
cheese and pickle bap.
Hey, what are all
these on the table?
Just I asked the kids to write
down what they'd learnt in the lesson.
Throw them away. Rubbish.
Tommy, have you seen these?
No.
"I learned that you
should think for yourself,
"and not just believe
what you are told."
"Today, I learnt to look at
things in a different way."
These are amazing. One of them
has even done a picture, look. Ho-oh!
Your hair, the
pink Floyd t-shirt.
-Oh, that's a shame.
-Yeah.
What do the others say?
Er oh, "first I thought he was an idiot,
but after a while I realised he's actually
"a dick as well."
Erm
"That guy was a dick."
Hang on.
"What a dick."
Well, there's always a couple
Er "Dick." "Dick."
"Bit of a dick."
"Total dick." Er
"Prick." I'll just
put 'em in the bin.
They all like that?
Yeah, more or less,
except for the first two.
I was a success.
Yeah, sort of.
Magz, don't you see? I tried to teach
those kids to kick against the pricks.
I'm just the first prick, if you like,
of many, that they will kick against.
Those first two guys,
they were just arse lickers.
It's the others, the prick kickers, if just
one of them goes on to form some sort of
guitar-based band that invents a whole new
sound, even if it's mildly derivative of
certain progressive rock bands of the
mid-'70s, then, magz, my work here is done.
You look like a unicorn.
You're not wrong, kiddo,
a mythical creature, but
with a penis instead of a horn.
That's how I was depicted by
the free-thinkers of tomorrow.
And I salute them.