Schmigadoon! (2021) s02e04 Episode Script
Something Real
1
[UPBEAT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Josh and Mel have no doubt ♪
That it's time for getting out ♪
Once the verdict was read ♪
To the bridge they both fled ♪
But will they reach the other side? ♪
[JOSH SIGHS] Perfect. Okay.
You know what? I hated that
car anyway. We can walk.
- All right. We're walking. [CHUCKLES]
- Hmm. Okay.
Leaving so soon?
- Yes. Thank you for everything.
- Yeah.
- But you were having so much fun.
- Oh. Fun? Fun?
No, Mel, please do not
engage with the narrator.
- [MELISSA] Uh, I'll tell you what's fun.
- Oh.
- Schmigadoon. Schmigadoon was fun.
- [JOSH SIGHS]
- There were pretty dresses
- [JOSH] Mm-hmm.
- and tap-dancing children
- Mmm.
and romantic tunnel of love rides.
Really?
And everybody was bright
and carefree and happy.
But this place? I hate to break
it to you, this place is not fun.
Oh, I don't know.
Looked like you were
having a really good time
up on that stage at the club.
Yeah, okay [STAMMERS] sure.
That was a bit of an adrenaline rush.
- Finding clues.
- [JOSH, MELISSA GASP]
And all that detective work.
I only did all that
- because Josh's life was in danger.
- Mm-hmm.
But now he's safe, so we are
getting the hell out of here!
Bye.
Okay. Bye then.
Oh, keep in touch.
[MELISSA] We won't.
- No.
- [NARRATOR CHUCKLES]
And then Josh and Melissa realized
they were still in Schmicago. Wah-wah.
You actually thought
that was a happy ending?
You get acquitted for a
murder you didn't commit
and you get to go home?
- Yeah, we were pretty happy about that.
- How is that not a happy ending?
[GROANS] You two have a lot
to learn about happiness.
[MELISSA] Oh, really? Okay.
- Since you're so all-knowing and wise
- Thank you.
why don't you tell us what
we need to do to get out of here?
- You really wanna know?
- [BOTH] Yes!
You need to
figure it out for yourself!
Okay, that's not nice.
Thought that you were clever?
You'll be here forever ♪
Stuck here in ♪
Schmicago ♪
You're not helpful!
[NARRATOR] You're not either.
What is that supposed to mean?
What do we do now?
- I don't know.
- [SIGHS] I am so sorry.
This is all my fault. It
was my idea to come here.
- No, you were just trying to help
- [JOSH SIGHS]
and I don't even
know if I can be helped.
Mel, don't say that.
It's not you. Literally
everyone here is unhappy.
Wait. [GASPS]
- Maybe that's it.
- What?
Maybe we couldn't cross because
we don't just need a
happy ending for us.
Maybe Maybe we
need one for everybody.
[STAMMERS] The narrator just
said we weren't being helpful.
Maybe that's a clue.
Maybe we're supposed to help
the other people here get happy.
Yes, that's gotta be it.
But how do we make a
happy ending for everybody
when we can't even
make one for ourselves?
- I mean [SIGHS] what even is happiness?
- [SIGHS]
And how are we supposed
to be the experts?
- Oh. Mel, it's
- No, no. I'm serious.
We made all these choices, right?
Like going to med school, getting
married, moving to the suburbs,
because we thought they'd
make us happy. But they didn't.
So, where did we go wrong?
Where did everyone here go wrong?
I don't think we went wrong. It's
just I don't know. Life is hard.
Well, why?
Why does it have to be so hard?
Why can't it just be easier?
I do not have an answer
for that question.
[BOTH SIGH]
Can't help but think
the key here is Dooley.
Dooley?
- It's the butcher and Jenny's father.
- Oh.
So he thinks getting
revenge will make him happy,
but maybe what he really
needs is to reunite with Jenny,
so that he can explain he's innocent,
and she can have a
father back in her life.
I
So that would make Dooley happy,
which would make Codwell happy,
and it would make Jenny happy,
and it would make Kratt sad,
which would make everybody happy.
- See? Boom. Happy ending.
- Right.
- But what if it's even bigger than this?
- Well, like what?
Maybe we have to kill baby Hitler.
- What?
- Kill baby Hitler.
So, what What year do
you think this would even be?
I don't know. It's very unclear.
Well, we're not gonna kill anyone,
okay? We just got you outta jail.
I know. I'm just brainstorming.
- Yes. You know what? I appreciate that.
- And it co
But I think this is probably more about
the people that we already met here.
- Yeah, sure.
- [YAWNS]
Do either of you
lovers have a cigarette?
Nope. We still don't smoke.
[CHUCKLES] You are a pip.
Oh, there must be one
around here somewhere.
- [MELISSA] What?
- [WHISPERS] Go talk to her.
- [WHISPERS] What do I say?
- Something about her father. I mean
- Oh. Okay, yeah, yeah.
- You got it. You got it.
[MELISSA] Hey, uh, Jenny,
this is a funny story.
Guess who I bumped into the other day?
Your father.
[JENNY] Oh. That's very strange.
I don't actually have a father.
Look, I kn I know you
might have some issues
Issues?
My father murdered my mother.
Then he went to prison,
I went to an orphanage,
and I've had to fend
for myself ever since.
Do you have any idea what
that's been like for me?
Do you?
I'm so sorry, Jenny.
And I can't imagine the
kind of pain you've suffered.
But what if your dad
didn't kill your mom?
What if he's been innocent this whole
time and desperately missing you?
Melissa! Drop it.
I don't want anything
to do with my father.
And as far as I'm concerned, he's dead.
Got it?
- [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]
- [GASPS] Ta-da!
[CHUCKLES] - Oh. [CHUCKLES]
You look fabulous. [CHUCKLES] So
much better than having hair, darling.
Hair.
Hey, Jenny, how would you
like to go somewhere fabulous?
- I'm already on my way.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
[WHISPERING] I got this.
Oh! How marvelous. What is this place?
You think a bunch of
hippies are gonna help?
We wanted Jenny to give
her father a chance, right?
And the tribe is all about
love and forgiveness and stuff.
I'm just trying things.
Oh!
- This is all so positively bohemian.
- Oh, yeah.
Yes, right. Well, I do wanna warn you,
they can be a little cold to newcomers.
- Hello!
- Hi, friend!
Welcome to the Tribe.
Well, welcome to me. [LAUGHS]
[CHEERING, LAUGHING]
Well, well, well. The prodigal
son has returned. [CHUCKLES]
- Someone write that down.
- [HIPPIE 1] On it!
- [TOPHER] Welcome back, Josh.
- [CHEERING]
Thanks, guys. [CHUCKLES]
And welcome also to
Josh's old lady, Melissa.
- Whoo-hoo! Meliss
- It's fine I don
No, I don't need it.
Ah, and a new face.
Jenny.
[TOPHER] Jenny. Welcome.
I'm Topher.
You're all here just in time
for today's tribal meeting.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.
- [STAMMERS] Oh, boy.
Tribal meeting!
- [CLAMORING]
- [JOSH] Tribal meeting!
- [HIPPIE 2] Yeah. All right.
- [MELISSA] Okay. Don't do that.
[TRIBESFOLK CHATTERING]
First off, let's review
the granola policy.
It's "Take a scoop, leave a scoop."
- Everybody dig?
- I'll remember that.
- Wow.
- All right. Who wants a parable?
- Me, me, me.
- Ooh, ooh.
Okay, all I need is a suggestion.
Could be a person, a place,
an everyday object you'd
find around the house.
- [GASPS] Topher!
- [GASPS] Junkyard!
Flower!
- Father!
- I heard "father."
Okay. The word is "father."
Let's see. Ah.
This is a story about
our father up in heaven
Oh, sorry. I'm
And I'm just riffing here,
but what if it was actually
just, like, a normal dad?
Okay, sure.
A normal father was traveling
with his eldest son
Oh! Just a pitch.
Maybe it's his daughter.
- [TRIBESFOLK MURMUR]
- Okay, fine. [CHUCKLES]
He was traveling with his daughter
- Oh, oh. You know what?
- No more suggestions, okay?
- Sorry.
- [TOPHER] Okay. Hmm.
He was traveling with
his eldest daughter,
and they came upon a village
- [MELISSA] Sorry, just one last thing.
- [SIGHS]
But what if the dad's not
actually with his daughter?
Oh. Right, right. Yeah, and, like, uh,
- maybe something really bad happened
- [SIGHS]
and they've been
apart for a long time.
- Why are you hassling me? ♪
- What?
Criticizing me? ♪
What makes you think ♪
That you should be advising me? ♪
- No, no. We're not doing that.
- You know what? ♪
[CHUCKLES]
You guys just do it ♪
Since you seem to think you
can do it better than me ♪
Go ahead, I'm done ♪
I'm done ♪
- Really? Is he
- Yeah. It's, uh
Oh, should we
Okay, uh [GRUNTS] um
- [CHEERING]
- Oh! Yay!
Mel. [GRUNTS]
[MOUTHING WORDS] No.
Okay, uh, this is a story about,
um [STAMMERING] about, uh
- [GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING]
- Oh! Oh, it's [CHUCKLES] it's a song.
- Can you do it?
- This was your idea.
Right, but you're better
at the singing, so.
Everyone here hates me.
- Can you please, please just
- Just do it!
Here's a little ditty
about Pretty Penny ♪
Left home for the city ♪
She was one of many ♪
Got letters by the sack
from her lonely father ♪
But did she write him back?
No, she didn't bother ♪
Got one last letter
and the letter said ♪
"We're sorry to inform you
that your father's dead" ♪
Dead, dead, dead, dead ♪
Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead ♪
So ♪
Talk to Daddy. Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
He will rock you when you are sad ♪
He isn't ideal, but you need to heal ♪
So talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy now ♪
[TRIBESFOLK] Talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
Talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy now ♪
Here is what I know about Loco Lenny ♪
He was low on the dough ♪
Well, he hadn't any ♪
His wealthy pa said
"I'll help you, sonny" ♪
But Lenny said
"Nah, I don't need your money" ♪
A few months passed ♪
He was passed out in the gutter ♪
You got real close ♪
You could hear him mutter ♪
Mutter, mutter, mutter, mutter ♪
Mutter, mutter,
mutter, mutter "Father" ♪
- [GASPS]
- So ♪
Talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
He will rock you when you are sad ♪
He left you alone but
maybe he's grown ♪
So talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
Odds are you are gonna outlive him ♪
So you really oughta forgive him ♪
There's a chance that he's homicidal ♪
But the bond between you is vital ♪
Odds are you are gonna outlive him ♪
So you really oughta forgive him ♪
There's a chance that he's homicidal ♪
But the bond between you is vital ♪
- Dooby, dooby, dooby, dooby ♪
- Talk to Daddy ♪
Daddy, daddy, daddy ♪
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[BELL CHIMES]
- Talk ♪
- Daddy ♪
Talk, talk, talk, talk ♪
Talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
He will rock you when you are sad ♪
He may be insane,
but you are in pain ♪
So talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy now! ♪
[ALL] Now! ♪
Now! ♪
Now! ♪
[GASPS] I'm gonna go
call my dad right now.
Me too.
Mine changed his number.
[TRIBESFOLK MURMURING]
So, Jenny, you think there's
anybody you should talk to now?
- Yes
- [JOSH] Mm-hmm.
the angry boy in that tent.
- [SCOFFS]
- [NARRATOR] Once again,
Josh and Melissa have
failed in their quest.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.
Well, nobody asked you to.
- I am just doing my job!
- [STAMMERS]
So now, let's spend a
little time with a younger,
much more appealing couple.
- [JOSH] Hey!
- And let's make it night.
Things are much more
romantic at night. [CHUCKLES]
- [CRICKETS CHIRPING]
- [NARRATOR] Thank you!
- Hi.
- [TOPHER] Oh.
Hi. [CHUCKLES]
- May I join you?
- Of course. [CHUCKLES]
Thank you.
Well, I just adore your little
commune you have going here.
It's all so free-spirited and fabulous.
The dirty bare feet and the
haphazardly-applied face paint,
it's just too-too.
And everyone here simply adores you.
I mean, I can hardly
blame them, of course.
Yeah, I guess. [CHUCKLES]
- What?
- I don't know. It's just
Sometimes it feels so phony,
like they're more into the
idea of me than the actual me.
- [SIGHS]
- Well, I know what you mean.
[STAMMERS] I mean, I
sometimes get that same feeling
when I perform at the club.
I love it, don't get me wrong,
but sometimes I wonder if
I'm maybe always performing.
And then, if I am,
where does the girl on stage
stop and where do I begin?
- I'm sorry. I'm rambling.
- No, don't be sorry.
You're making a lot of sense.
I wonder about the same thing.
It's strange because I
know that we just met,
and, if I'm honest, sweet guys
like you really aren't my type.
- [TOPHER CHUCKLES]
- But
I don't know, I
I get this feeling like I
can just be myself around you.
I feel the same way. It's,
I don't know, natural.
[JENNY CHUCKLES]
- You know what I mean? [CHUCKLES]
- I do. [CHUCKLES]
I've lived my life out loud ♪
Constantly playing to the crowd ♪
Knowing inside it was all a lie ♪
Then I found you ♪
I've gone from shore to shore ♪
Spurred by a thirst
for something more ♪
Yearning for love,
but I wondered why ♪
Then I found you ♪
I can't tell you what you're feeling ♪
I can't tell just what you feel ♪
But touch my hand and I am reeling ♪
Feels like this ♪
Is something real ♪
I don't wanna be cured ♪
Don't want you to save
me 'cause that's absurd ♪
I just want your heart next to mine ♪
That's all I need ♪
Used to look up above ♪
For something to guide me ♪
Something to love ♪
- But in your eyes, I see the divine ♪
- [CHUCKLES]
That's all I need ♪
I can't tell you what you're feeling ♪
I can't tell just what you feel ♪
But touch my hand and I am reeling ♪
Feels like this ♪
Is something real ♪
Something real ♪
Something real ♪
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Did we make that happen?
I think we might have made that happen.
Wait, is love the key
to the happy ending?
- Yeah, maybe that's it. More romance.
- Yeah.
[GASPS] Okay. Are you
thinking what I'm thinking?
We should set up Ronnie and Jared.
- Oh. Wa Who?
- Yeah.
The two guys from the dance break.
They've got a very natural chemistry.
Oh, them. No, no. I'm I'm talking
about Dooley and Miss Codwell.
Dooley?
Rememb The butcher
and the orphanage lady.
Okay.
Because maybe if we redirect
Dooley toward romance
- Mm-hmm.
- and away from violent revenge
- Mm-hmm.
- that'll lead to a happy ending.
Oh, right. That probably
makes more sense.
Yeah, because I'm pretty
sure Ronnie and Jared
are currently having sex
in that old refrigerator.
[JOSH] Oh.
- [CHUCKLES] Well, love is in the air.
- Yeah.
- [SCREECH]
- Oh!
Yeah, it does that.
[JOSH] Um
- Closed. Out of meat.
- It's 9:00 a.m.
[CHUCKLES] Hi, Mr.
Blight. How's it going?
The world is crawling with the
maggots of humanity's failure.
No light can shine
through the layers of evil.
Weather's pretty good.
- Yeah. If it's good, it's good.
- [MURMURS]
- Any news of Jenny?
- Oh, yeah, Jenny's fine.
She's great, actually. [CHUCKLES]
Right.
Good.
- Well, we actually wanted to talk to you
- [JOSH] Mm-hmm.
about someone else
who is interested in you.
- The police?
- No. No, no.
[MELISSA] Interested
in you romantically.
A woman.
- A woman?
- [JOSH] Come on, man.
Look at You're-You're
You're single.
You've You got your own business.
- We gotta get you back out there.
- Yeah. You know what?
We think it might be good for you,
actually, to have
dinner with Miss Codwell
- from next door.
- [JOSH] Mmm.
No woman would wanna
have dinner with me.
Look at me!
No, I'm sure you'll clean up great.
- Right, Josh?
- Mmm?
Right, Josh?
Sure.
- [JOSH SIGHS]
- Well, Miss Codwell,
you look lovely tonight.
Dooley, doesn't she look lovely?
I brought my cleaver.
- Great. [CHUCKLES]
- [CODWELL GASPS]
It's lovely, it is. So shiny. So big.
And Miss Codwell, how was your day?
Horrible. Little blighters
won't leave me alone.
It's always, "We're hungry. We're tired.
Me hair's falling out." [MOCK CRIES]
It's just enough!
My hair's always falling out.
Don't hear me complaining.
Exactly. Thank you.
Maybe feed them, though. You
know, if-if they're hungry.
- Oh, gosh, that reminds me.
- Sh
- Should we eat our food, everyone?
- Yes. Yes, we should.
- Look at this. Hello. Gorgeous.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mmm. All right.
Oh, I love me a man
with a healthy appetite.
Here, let me help you with that.
Thanks very much.
I can't remember the
last time someone
cut my meat for me.
It's a wonderful knife.
- [DOOLEY MOANS]
- [JOSH] Mmm.
You handle it well.
[BARFLY] I'll drink to that!
[MELISSA CHUCKLES]
Aw. Like, why are they sort of cute?
I can't believe we did it.
- It feels good.
- Yeah, it does.
I had a really nice night with you.
Yeah?
Me too.
[CODWELL] Well, uh, thank
you, sir, for dinner.
And for lending me the knife.
You can keep it.
I have plenty.
Oh, my. Thank you.
Would you like to come
inside for a nightcap, sir?
- Inside?
- Just for a drink.
Orphans are locked in
their crates for the night,
but I can wake 'em up.
- I've trained little Tammy to tend bar.
- [DOOLEY] Oh.
Um
Yeah. All right. Thanks.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
And the big market across town buys
up all the meat from the supplier,
so there's nothing left for my shop.
Nothing I can do about it neither.
That's just awful. I'll
never buy from them again.
Oh, that's all right.
I'm sure you've got your hands
full feeding all these orphans.
Horrible creatures, the lot of 'em.
And they never thank me neither.
That's a shame.
[SCOFFS] They've taken
to these awful pranks.
- They switch my gin to water.
- [STAMMERS]
They throw up in me shoes.
They're dying of pneumonia.
- Pests!
- Vermin!
I'd get rid of the
lot of 'em if I could.
- [COUGHS]
- Oh! Disgusting!
- Get out! Get out! Get out!
- [SCREAMING, CHUCKLING]
You've got too many orphans.
I've got too little meat.
Life is just a pile of shit.
And we all have to slip
about on it until we fall,
and everybody laughs.
Indeed, me dear.
[SIGHS]
What if, let's say, I could
get rid of some of the orphans,
and you could get some
meat at the same time?
What exactly are you suggesting?
Mr. Blight, Mr. Blight ♪
You are in for such a treat ♪
I have got some little doves ♪
Darling sprouts, hereabouts ♪
That I'd love for you to meat ♪
Step right up, sir. Welcome
to Blight's Butcher Shop.
What can we get for you today?
Have you any ham? ♪
Ah!
Courtesy of Sam ♪
How about veal? ♪
Yes, thanks to Camille ♪
- Kidney? ♪
- [CODWELL] Sydney ♪
- Belly? ♪
- [CODWELL] Kelly ♪
- Lamb? ♪
- That's Pam ♪
With some jam or mint jelly ♪
I'd love some ground beef ♪
Why then, sir, you're in luck ♪
Which do you prefer?
We've got Patty or Chuck ♪
[BOTH CACKLE]
- Have you any mutton? ♪
- That would be Sutton ♪
- Perhaps some foie gras? ♪
- Voilà, c'est François ♪
- Bologna? ♪
- Tony ♪
- Salami? ♪
- Tommy ♪
And we've also got Reuben ♪
If you like pastrami ♪
- But do you have mincemeat? ♪
- Well, since meat is sparse ♪
We've got Vince meat instead ♪
Sliced right off of his a ♪
Miss Codwell, please!
There are children present.
Not for long.
No, because we're gonna kill
them and sell them as meat.
Hey!
Ain't got no dad ♪
Ain't got no mum ♪
But are they sad? ♪
Or are they glum? ♪
No, they confront a world
that's vile and mean ♪
With the sweetest
smiles you've ever seen ♪
Oh, they're good enough to eat ♪
- [GARGLES]
- Delicious!
- A job well-done ♪
- A job well-done ♪
- [CODWELL] Is, oh, so rare ♪
- [DOOLEY] Is, oh, so rare ♪
- [CODWELL] When sun to sun ♪
- When sun to sun ♪
- The cupboard's bare ♪
- So bare ♪
Before these darlings
get much thinner ♪
I think we ought to make them dinner ♪
Ooh, they're good enough to eat ♪
- Supper time!
- Careful! Ooh. Could take an eye out.
We may not be respectable ♪
But we are so delectable ♪
Don't mean to be presumptuous ♪
But truth is, we are scrumptious ♪
Cakes and candies
ain't half as sweet ♪
Ooh, we're good enough to eat ♪
[TOOTS]
- Ain't got no dad ♪
- We may not be respectable ♪
- Ain't got no mum ♪
- But we are so delectable ♪
- But are they sad? ♪
- Don't mean to be presumptuous ♪
- Or are they glum? So glum ♪
- But truth is, we are scrumptious ♪
No, they confront a world
that's vile and mean ♪
With the sweetest
smiles you've ever seen ♪
[ALL] Ooh, they're
good enough to eat ♪
[VOCALIZING]
[VOCALIZING CONTINUES]
- When times is hard ♪
- When times is hard ♪
- You must make do ♪
- You must make do ♪
- All out of lard? ♪
- All out of lard? ♪
- Try Mary Lou ♪
- And try her brother too ♪
Yes, when you lack a key ingredient ♪
Substitutes become expedient ♪
Ooh, they're good enough ♪
Though they're kinda tough ♪
Ooh, they're good enough to eat ♪
Enough to eat ♪
[ALL] Eat, darn ya, eat ♪
- [CODWELL, DOOLEY LAUGH]
- Aw. Look at them.
- They're all so happy.
- [CODWELL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Okay, I don't wanna get
ahead of ourselves here,
but this is really starting
to feel like a happy ending.
[STAMMERS] We did good.
[TRIBESFOLK] Dead, dead, dead, dead ♪
Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead ♪
So Talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
He will rock you when you are sad ♪
He isn't ideal, but you need to heal ♪
So talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy now ♪
Talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
Now ♪
Here is what I know about Loco Lenny ♪
He was low on the dough
Well, he hadn't any ♪
His wealthy pa said
"I'll help you, sonny" ♪
But Lenny said, "Nah I
don't need your money" ♪
A few months passed ♪
He was passed out in the gutter ♪
You got real close ♪
You could hear him mutter ♪
Mutter, mutter, mutter, mutter ♪
Mutter, mutter,
mutter, mutter "Father" ♪
So ♪
Talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
He will rock you when you are sad ♪
He left you alone
but maybe he's grown ♪
So talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
Odds are you are gonna outlive him ♪
So you really oughta forgive him ♪
There's a chance that he's homicidal ♪
But the bond between you is vital ♪
Odds are you are gonna outlive him ♪
So you really oughta forgive him ♪
There's a chance that he's homicidal ♪
But the bond between you is vital ♪
- Dooby, dooby, dooby, dooby ♪
- Talk to Daddy ♪
[UPBEAT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Josh and Mel have no doubt ♪
That it's time for getting out ♪
Once the verdict was read ♪
To the bridge they both fled ♪
But will they reach the other side? ♪
[JOSH SIGHS] Perfect. Okay.
You know what? I hated that
car anyway. We can walk.
- All right. We're walking. [CHUCKLES]
- Hmm. Okay.
Leaving so soon?
- Yes. Thank you for everything.
- Yeah.
- But you were having so much fun.
- Oh. Fun? Fun?
No, Mel, please do not
engage with the narrator.
- [MELISSA] Uh, I'll tell you what's fun.
- Oh.
- Schmigadoon. Schmigadoon was fun.
- [JOSH SIGHS]
- There were pretty dresses
- [JOSH] Mm-hmm.
- and tap-dancing children
- Mmm.
and romantic tunnel of love rides.
Really?
And everybody was bright
and carefree and happy.
But this place? I hate to break
it to you, this place is not fun.
Oh, I don't know.
Looked like you were
having a really good time
up on that stage at the club.
Yeah, okay [STAMMERS] sure.
That was a bit of an adrenaline rush.
- Finding clues.
- [JOSH, MELISSA GASP]
And all that detective work.
I only did all that
- because Josh's life was in danger.
- Mm-hmm.
But now he's safe, so we are
getting the hell out of here!
Bye.
Okay. Bye then.
Oh, keep in touch.
[MELISSA] We won't.
- No.
- [NARRATOR CHUCKLES]
And then Josh and Melissa realized
they were still in Schmicago. Wah-wah.
You actually thought
that was a happy ending?
You get acquitted for a
murder you didn't commit
and you get to go home?
- Yeah, we were pretty happy about that.
- How is that not a happy ending?
[GROANS] You two have a lot
to learn about happiness.
[MELISSA] Oh, really? Okay.
- Since you're so all-knowing and wise
- Thank you.
why don't you tell us what
we need to do to get out of here?
- You really wanna know?
- [BOTH] Yes!
You need to
figure it out for yourself!
Okay, that's not nice.
Thought that you were clever?
You'll be here forever ♪
Stuck here in ♪
Schmicago ♪
You're not helpful!
[NARRATOR] You're not either.
What is that supposed to mean?
What do we do now?
- I don't know.
- [SIGHS] I am so sorry.
This is all my fault. It
was my idea to come here.
- No, you were just trying to help
- [JOSH SIGHS]
and I don't even
know if I can be helped.
Mel, don't say that.
It's not you. Literally
everyone here is unhappy.
Wait. [GASPS]
- Maybe that's it.
- What?
Maybe we couldn't cross because
we don't just need a
happy ending for us.
Maybe Maybe we
need one for everybody.
[STAMMERS] The narrator just
said we weren't being helpful.
Maybe that's a clue.
Maybe we're supposed to help
the other people here get happy.
Yes, that's gotta be it.
But how do we make a
happy ending for everybody
when we can't even
make one for ourselves?
- I mean [SIGHS] what even is happiness?
- [SIGHS]
And how are we supposed
to be the experts?
- Oh. Mel, it's
- No, no. I'm serious.
We made all these choices, right?
Like going to med school, getting
married, moving to the suburbs,
because we thought they'd
make us happy. But they didn't.
So, where did we go wrong?
Where did everyone here go wrong?
I don't think we went wrong. It's
just I don't know. Life is hard.
Well, why?
Why does it have to be so hard?
Why can't it just be easier?
I do not have an answer
for that question.
[BOTH SIGH]
Can't help but think
the key here is Dooley.
Dooley?
- It's the butcher and Jenny's father.
- Oh.
So he thinks getting
revenge will make him happy,
but maybe what he really
needs is to reunite with Jenny,
so that he can explain he's innocent,
and she can have a
father back in her life.
I
So that would make Dooley happy,
which would make Codwell happy,
and it would make Jenny happy,
and it would make Kratt sad,
which would make everybody happy.
- See? Boom. Happy ending.
- Right.
- But what if it's even bigger than this?
- Well, like what?
Maybe we have to kill baby Hitler.
- What?
- Kill baby Hitler.
So, what What year do
you think this would even be?
I don't know. It's very unclear.
Well, we're not gonna kill anyone,
okay? We just got you outta jail.
I know. I'm just brainstorming.
- Yes. You know what? I appreciate that.
- And it co
But I think this is probably more about
the people that we already met here.
- Yeah, sure.
- [YAWNS]
Do either of you
lovers have a cigarette?
Nope. We still don't smoke.
[CHUCKLES] You are a pip.
Oh, there must be one
around here somewhere.
- [MELISSA] What?
- [WHISPERS] Go talk to her.
- [WHISPERS] What do I say?
- Something about her father. I mean
- Oh. Okay, yeah, yeah.
- You got it. You got it.
[MELISSA] Hey, uh, Jenny,
this is a funny story.
Guess who I bumped into the other day?
Your father.
[JENNY] Oh. That's very strange.
I don't actually have a father.
Look, I kn I know you
might have some issues
Issues?
My father murdered my mother.
Then he went to prison,
I went to an orphanage,
and I've had to fend
for myself ever since.
Do you have any idea what
that's been like for me?
Do you?
I'm so sorry, Jenny.
And I can't imagine the
kind of pain you've suffered.
But what if your dad
didn't kill your mom?
What if he's been innocent this whole
time and desperately missing you?
Melissa! Drop it.
I don't want anything
to do with my father.
And as far as I'm concerned, he's dead.
Got it?
- [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]
- [GASPS] Ta-da!
[CHUCKLES] - Oh. [CHUCKLES]
You look fabulous. [CHUCKLES] So
much better than having hair, darling.
Hair.
Hey, Jenny, how would you
like to go somewhere fabulous?
- I'm already on my way.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
[WHISPERING] I got this.
Oh! How marvelous. What is this place?
You think a bunch of
hippies are gonna help?
We wanted Jenny to give
her father a chance, right?
And the tribe is all about
love and forgiveness and stuff.
I'm just trying things.
Oh!
- This is all so positively bohemian.
- Oh, yeah.
Yes, right. Well, I do wanna warn you,
they can be a little cold to newcomers.
- Hello!
- Hi, friend!
Welcome to the Tribe.
Well, welcome to me. [LAUGHS]
[CHEERING, LAUGHING]
Well, well, well. The prodigal
son has returned. [CHUCKLES]
- Someone write that down.
- [HIPPIE 1] On it!
- [TOPHER] Welcome back, Josh.
- [CHEERING]
Thanks, guys. [CHUCKLES]
And welcome also to
Josh's old lady, Melissa.
- Whoo-hoo! Meliss
- It's fine I don
No, I don't need it.
Ah, and a new face.
Jenny.
[TOPHER] Jenny. Welcome.
I'm Topher.
You're all here just in time
for today's tribal meeting.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.
- [STAMMERS] Oh, boy.
Tribal meeting!
- [CLAMORING]
- [JOSH] Tribal meeting!
- [HIPPIE 2] Yeah. All right.
- [MELISSA] Okay. Don't do that.
[TRIBESFOLK CHATTERING]
First off, let's review
the granola policy.
It's "Take a scoop, leave a scoop."
- Everybody dig?
- I'll remember that.
- Wow.
- All right. Who wants a parable?
- Me, me, me.
- Ooh, ooh.
Okay, all I need is a suggestion.
Could be a person, a place,
an everyday object you'd
find around the house.
- [GASPS] Topher!
- [GASPS] Junkyard!
Flower!
- Father!
- I heard "father."
Okay. The word is "father."
Let's see. Ah.
This is a story about
our father up in heaven
Oh, sorry. I'm
And I'm just riffing here,
but what if it was actually
just, like, a normal dad?
Okay, sure.
A normal father was traveling
with his eldest son
Oh! Just a pitch.
Maybe it's his daughter.
- [TRIBESFOLK MURMUR]
- Okay, fine. [CHUCKLES]
He was traveling with his daughter
- Oh, oh. You know what?
- No more suggestions, okay?
- Sorry.
- [TOPHER] Okay. Hmm.
He was traveling with
his eldest daughter,
and they came upon a village
- [MELISSA] Sorry, just one last thing.
- [SIGHS]
But what if the dad's not
actually with his daughter?
Oh. Right, right. Yeah, and, like, uh,
- maybe something really bad happened
- [SIGHS]
and they've been
apart for a long time.
- Why are you hassling me? ♪
- What?
Criticizing me? ♪
What makes you think ♪
That you should be advising me? ♪
- No, no. We're not doing that.
- You know what? ♪
[CHUCKLES]
You guys just do it ♪
Since you seem to think you
can do it better than me ♪
Go ahead, I'm done ♪
I'm done ♪
- Really? Is he
- Yeah. It's, uh
Oh, should we
Okay, uh [GRUNTS] um
- [CHEERING]
- Oh! Yay!
Mel. [GRUNTS]
[MOUTHING WORDS] No.
Okay, uh, this is a story about,
um [STAMMERING] about, uh
- [GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING]
- Oh! Oh, it's [CHUCKLES] it's a song.
- Can you do it?
- This was your idea.
Right, but you're better
at the singing, so.
Everyone here hates me.
- Can you please, please just
- Just do it!
Here's a little ditty
about Pretty Penny ♪
Left home for the city ♪
She was one of many ♪
Got letters by the sack
from her lonely father ♪
But did she write him back?
No, she didn't bother ♪
Got one last letter
and the letter said ♪
"We're sorry to inform you
that your father's dead" ♪
Dead, dead, dead, dead ♪
Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead ♪
So ♪
Talk to Daddy. Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
He will rock you when you are sad ♪
He isn't ideal, but you need to heal ♪
So talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy now ♪
[TRIBESFOLK] Talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
Talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy now ♪
Here is what I know about Loco Lenny ♪
He was low on the dough ♪
Well, he hadn't any ♪
His wealthy pa said
"I'll help you, sonny" ♪
But Lenny said
"Nah, I don't need your money" ♪
A few months passed ♪
He was passed out in the gutter ♪
You got real close ♪
You could hear him mutter ♪
Mutter, mutter, mutter, mutter ♪
Mutter, mutter,
mutter, mutter "Father" ♪
- [GASPS]
- So ♪
Talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
He will rock you when you are sad ♪
He left you alone but
maybe he's grown ♪
So talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
Odds are you are gonna outlive him ♪
So you really oughta forgive him ♪
There's a chance that he's homicidal ♪
But the bond between you is vital ♪
Odds are you are gonna outlive him ♪
So you really oughta forgive him ♪
There's a chance that he's homicidal ♪
But the bond between you is vital ♪
- Dooby, dooby, dooby, dooby ♪
- Talk to Daddy ♪
Daddy, daddy, daddy ♪
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[BELL CHIMES]
- Talk ♪
- Daddy ♪
Talk, talk, talk, talk ♪
Talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
He will rock you when you are sad ♪
He may be insane,
but you are in pain ♪
So talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy now! ♪
[ALL] Now! ♪
Now! ♪
Now! ♪
[GASPS] I'm gonna go
call my dad right now.
Me too.
Mine changed his number.
[TRIBESFOLK MURMURING]
So, Jenny, you think there's
anybody you should talk to now?
- Yes
- [JOSH] Mm-hmm.
the angry boy in that tent.
- [SCOFFS]
- [NARRATOR] Once again,
Josh and Melissa have
failed in their quest.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.
Well, nobody asked you to.
- I am just doing my job!
- [STAMMERS]
So now, let's spend a
little time with a younger,
much more appealing couple.
- [JOSH] Hey!
- And let's make it night.
Things are much more
romantic at night. [CHUCKLES]
- [CRICKETS CHIRPING]
- [NARRATOR] Thank you!
- Hi.
- [TOPHER] Oh.
Hi. [CHUCKLES]
- May I join you?
- Of course. [CHUCKLES]
Thank you.
Well, I just adore your little
commune you have going here.
It's all so free-spirited and fabulous.
The dirty bare feet and the
haphazardly-applied face paint,
it's just too-too.
And everyone here simply adores you.
I mean, I can hardly
blame them, of course.
Yeah, I guess. [CHUCKLES]
- What?
- I don't know. It's just
Sometimes it feels so phony,
like they're more into the
idea of me than the actual me.
- [SIGHS]
- Well, I know what you mean.
[STAMMERS] I mean, I
sometimes get that same feeling
when I perform at the club.
I love it, don't get me wrong,
but sometimes I wonder if
I'm maybe always performing.
And then, if I am,
where does the girl on stage
stop and where do I begin?
- I'm sorry. I'm rambling.
- No, don't be sorry.
You're making a lot of sense.
I wonder about the same thing.
It's strange because I
know that we just met,
and, if I'm honest, sweet guys
like you really aren't my type.
- [TOPHER CHUCKLES]
- But
I don't know, I
I get this feeling like I
can just be myself around you.
I feel the same way. It's,
I don't know, natural.
[JENNY CHUCKLES]
- You know what I mean? [CHUCKLES]
- I do. [CHUCKLES]
I've lived my life out loud ♪
Constantly playing to the crowd ♪
Knowing inside it was all a lie ♪
Then I found you ♪
I've gone from shore to shore ♪
Spurred by a thirst
for something more ♪
Yearning for love,
but I wondered why ♪
Then I found you ♪
I can't tell you what you're feeling ♪
I can't tell just what you feel ♪
But touch my hand and I am reeling ♪
Feels like this ♪
Is something real ♪
I don't wanna be cured ♪
Don't want you to save
me 'cause that's absurd ♪
I just want your heart next to mine ♪
That's all I need ♪
Used to look up above ♪
For something to guide me ♪
Something to love ♪
- But in your eyes, I see the divine ♪
- [CHUCKLES]
That's all I need ♪
I can't tell you what you're feeling ♪
I can't tell just what you feel ♪
But touch my hand and I am reeling ♪
Feels like this ♪
Is something real ♪
Something real ♪
Something real ♪
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Did we make that happen?
I think we might have made that happen.
Wait, is love the key
to the happy ending?
- Yeah, maybe that's it. More romance.
- Yeah.
[GASPS] Okay. Are you
thinking what I'm thinking?
We should set up Ronnie and Jared.
- Oh. Wa Who?
- Yeah.
The two guys from the dance break.
They've got a very natural chemistry.
Oh, them. No, no. I'm I'm talking
about Dooley and Miss Codwell.
Dooley?
Rememb The butcher
and the orphanage lady.
Okay.
Because maybe if we redirect
Dooley toward romance
- Mm-hmm.
- and away from violent revenge
- Mm-hmm.
- that'll lead to a happy ending.
Oh, right. That probably
makes more sense.
Yeah, because I'm pretty
sure Ronnie and Jared
are currently having sex
in that old refrigerator.
[JOSH] Oh.
- [CHUCKLES] Well, love is in the air.
- Yeah.
- [SCREECH]
- Oh!
Yeah, it does that.
[JOSH] Um
- Closed. Out of meat.
- It's 9:00 a.m.
[CHUCKLES] Hi, Mr.
Blight. How's it going?
The world is crawling with the
maggots of humanity's failure.
No light can shine
through the layers of evil.
Weather's pretty good.
- Yeah. If it's good, it's good.
- [MURMURS]
- Any news of Jenny?
- Oh, yeah, Jenny's fine.
She's great, actually. [CHUCKLES]
Right.
Good.
- Well, we actually wanted to talk to you
- [JOSH] Mm-hmm.
about someone else
who is interested in you.
- The police?
- No. No, no.
[MELISSA] Interested
in you romantically.
A woman.
- A woman?
- [JOSH] Come on, man.
Look at You're-You're
You're single.
You've You got your own business.
- We gotta get you back out there.
- Yeah. You know what?
We think it might be good for you,
actually, to have
dinner with Miss Codwell
- from next door.
- [JOSH] Mmm.
No woman would wanna
have dinner with me.
Look at me!
No, I'm sure you'll clean up great.
- Right, Josh?
- Mmm?
Right, Josh?
Sure.
- [JOSH SIGHS]
- Well, Miss Codwell,
you look lovely tonight.
Dooley, doesn't she look lovely?
I brought my cleaver.
- Great. [CHUCKLES]
- [CODWELL GASPS]
It's lovely, it is. So shiny. So big.
And Miss Codwell, how was your day?
Horrible. Little blighters
won't leave me alone.
It's always, "We're hungry. We're tired.
Me hair's falling out." [MOCK CRIES]
It's just enough!
My hair's always falling out.
Don't hear me complaining.
Exactly. Thank you.
Maybe feed them, though. You
know, if-if they're hungry.
- Oh, gosh, that reminds me.
- Sh
- Should we eat our food, everyone?
- Yes. Yes, we should.
- Look at this. Hello. Gorgeous.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mmm. All right.
Oh, I love me a man
with a healthy appetite.
Here, let me help you with that.
Thanks very much.
I can't remember the
last time someone
cut my meat for me.
It's a wonderful knife.
- [DOOLEY MOANS]
- [JOSH] Mmm.
You handle it well.
[BARFLY] I'll drink to that!
[MELISSA CHUCKLES]
Aw. Like, why are they sort of cute?
I can't believe we did it.
- It feels good.
- Yeah, it does.
I had a really nice night with you.
Yeah?
Me too.
[CODWELL] Well, uh, thank
you, sir, for dinner.
And for lending me the knife.
You can keep it.
I have plenty.
Oh, my. Thank you.
Would you like to come
inside for a nightcap, sir?
- Inside?
- Just for a drink.
Orphans are locked in
their crates for the night,
but I can wake 'em up.
- I've trained little Tammy to tend bar.
- [DOOLEY] Oh.
Um
Yeah. All right. Thanks.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
And the big market across town buys
up all the meat from the supplier,
so there's nothing left for my shop.
Nothing I can do about it neither.
That's just awful. I'll
never buy from them again.
Oh, that's all right.
I'm sure you've got your hands
full feeding all these orphans.
Horrible creatures, the lot of 'em.
And they never thank me neither.
That's a shame.
[SCOFFS] They've taken
to these awful pranks.
- They switch my gin to water.
- [STAMMERS]
They throw up in me shoes.
They're dying of pneumonia.
- Pests!
- Vermin!
I'd get rid of the
lot of 'em if I could.
- [COUGHS]
- Oh! Disgusting!
- Get out! Get out! Get out!
- [SCREAMING, CHUCKLING]
You've got too many orphans.
I've got too little meat.
Life is just a pile of shit.
And we all have to slip
about on it until we fall,
and everybody laughs.
Indeed, me dear.
[SIGHS]
What if, let's say, I could
get rid of some of the orphans,
and you could get some
meat at the same time?
What exactly are you suggesting?
Mr. Blight, Mr. Blight ♪
You are in for such a treat ♪
I have got some little doves ♪
Darling sprouts, hereabouts ♪
That I'd love for you to meat ♪
Step right up, sir. Welcome
to Blight's Butcher Shop.
What can we get for you today?
Have you any ham? ♪
Ah!
Courtesy of Sam ♪
How about veal? ♪
Yes, thanks to Camille ♪
- Kidney? ♪
- [CODWELL] Sydney ♪
- Belly? ♪
- [CODWELL] Kelly ♪
- Lamb? ♪
- That's Pam ♪
With some jam or mint jelly ♪
I'd love some ground beef ♪
Why then, sir, you're in luck ♪
Which do you prefer?
We've got Patty or Chuck ♪
[BOTH CACKLE]
- Have you any mutton? ♪
- That would be Sutton ♪
- Perhaps some foie gras? ♪
- Voilà, c'est François ♪
- Bologna? ♪
- Tony ♪
- Salami? ♪
- Tommy ♪
And we've also got Reuben ♪
If you like pastrami ♪
- But do you have mincemeat? ♪
- Well, since meat is sparse ♪
We've got Vince meat instead ♪
Sliced right off of his a ♪
Miss Codwell, please!
There are children present.
Not for long.
No, because we're gonna kill
them and sell them as meat.
Hey!
Ain't got no dad ♪
Ain't got no mum ♪
But are they sad? ♪
Or are they glum? ♪
No, they confront a world
that's vile and mean ♪
With the sweetest
smiles you've ever seen ♪
Oh, they're good enough to eat ♪
- [GARGLES]
- Delicious!
- A job well-done ♪
- A job well-done ♪
- [CODWELL] Is, oh, so rare ♪
- [DOOLEY] Is, oh, so rare ♪
- [CODWELL] When sun to sun ♪
- When sun to sun ♪
- The cupboard's bare ♪
- So bare ♪
Before these darlings
get much thinner ♪
I think we ought to make them dinner ♪
Ooh, they're good enough to eat ♪
- Supper time!
- Careful! Ooh. Could take an eye out.
We may not be respectable ♪
But we are so delectable ♪
Don't mean to be presumptuous ♪
But truth is, we are scrumptious ♪
Cakes and candies
ain't half as sweet ♪
Ooh, we're good enough to eat ♪
[TOOTS]
- Ain't got no dad ♪
- We may not be respectable ♪
- Ain't got no mum ♪
- But we are so delectable ♪
- But are they sad? ♪
- Don't mean to be presumptuous ♪
- Or are they glum? So glum ♪
- But truth is, we are scrumptious ♪
No, they confront a world
that's vile and mean ♪
With the sweetest
smiles you've ever seen ♪
[ALL] Ooh, they're
good enough to eat ♪
[VOCALIZING]
[VOCALIZING CONTINUES]
- When times is hard ♪
- When times is hard ♪
- You must make do ♪
- You must make do ♪
- All out of lard? ♪
- All out of lard? ♪
- Try Mary Lou ♪
- And try her brother too ♪
Yes, when you lack a key ingredient ♪
Substitutes become expedient ♪
Ooh, they're good enough ♪
Though they're kinda tough ♪
Ooh, they're good enough to eat ♪
Enough to eat ♪
[ALL] Eat, darn ya, eat ♪
- [CODWELL, DOOLEY LAUGH]
- Aw. Look at them.
- They're all so happy.
- [CODWELL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Okay, I don't wanna get
ahead of ourselves here,
but this is really starting
to feel like a happy ending.
[STAMMERS] We did good.
[TRIBESFOLK] Dead, dead, dead, dead ♪
Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead ♪
So Talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
He will rock you when you are sad ♪
He isn't ideal, but you need to heal ♪
So talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy now ♪
Talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
Now ♪
Here is what I know about Loco Lenny ♪
He was low on the dough
Well, he hadn't any ♪
His wealthy pa said
"I'll help you, sonny" ♪
But Lenny said, "Nah I
don't need your money" ♪
A few months passed ♪
He was passed out in the gutter ♪
You got real close ♪
You could hear him mutter ♪
Mutter, mutter, mutter, mutter ♪
Mutter, mutter,
mutter, mutter "Father" ♪
So ♪
Talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
He will rock you when you are sad ♪
He left you alone
but maybe he's grown ♪
So talk to Daddy ♪
Talk, talk to Daddy ♪
Odds are you are gonna outlive him ♪
So you really oughta forgive him ♪
There's a chance that he's homicidal ♪
But the bond between you is vital ♪
Odds are you are gonna outlive him ♪
So you really oughta forgive him ♪
There's a chance that he's homicidal ♪
But the bond between you is vital ♪
- Dooby, dooby, dooby, dooby ♪
- Talk to Daddy ♪