Second Jen (2016) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Jen-esis! Mo-wgli! It's me, Karen, from, like, your most-cherished memories.
If I die and all that flashes before my eyes are Karen memories, know that my soul departed in extreme indifference.
So, I brought you some backup bridesmaid dresses.
I know there were some sizing issues with the originals.
Don't fret.
I had a problem with one of my several wedding dresses, too, way too loose on the hips.
Oh, eat a hotdog, Karen! And, I wanted to invite you to a super cool underground warehouse dance party rave.
Neat-oh! No, I wanted to invite you, not you.
You two can do things separately, right? (GASPS) Or are you like those twins who can see through each other's eyes? - JEN: No! - MO: Yes! How come I'm not invited? Well, it's sort of a hip, sort of raw, sort of badass thing, and you're, you know, you.
That's true.
I can be badass.
This ass is bad a lot.
Oh, it's okay, Jenny penny.
There's a fundraiser at St.
Peter's Church and when I thought, who can I invite to volunteer, I obvi thought of you.
Why didn't you obvi think of me? Because it's you.
(SNICKERS) That's true.
I can go to a church-y thing-y.
I was raised Catholic.
Plus, I'm not a bad person just because I steal people's lunches, and transit passes, and EpiPens.
Yeah, and I'm not some goody two-shoes just because I arrive oddly early to things, sometimes days in advance.
Okay, okay, Mo.
You can come to the fundraiser.
And I can come to the rave? No, I still want to continue enjoying the respect of my very cool peers.
So, when you say volunteer, you mean paid volunteer? (LAUGHS) (WHISPERS) She's not joking.
Mine looks like something you'd bury a medieval nun in.
At least you're not gonna spend all night picking shrimp tails out of your cleavage.
Well, I'll definitely need something cooler for tonight.
When Karen sees how badass I am today, she'll totally take me to that rave dance.
Why do you want to go to a rave anyway? Don't you normally spend Friday nights writing your Wuthering Heights erotic fan fiction? I'm just tired of being seen as a straight-A, straight-laced super kid.
It's better than being seen as a bad person.
Mo! You're not a bad person.
Thank you! You just do really, really bad things.
(SIGHS) Oh! I am surprised, Mo.
I really thought this would be more of a Jen thing.
Well, I didn't peg you for the religious type.
Oh, I'm not religious.
I'm an unaffiliated spiritual deist.
I just have so much to give.
You know? Of course, you know: You've seen my house.
Oh Mo, those are for the disadvantaged members of society.
Hey, I am a 5-foot-tall woman of colour with a low chin to jaw ratio.
Also, I ate breakfast out of a birdfeeder.
(COUGHS) Fireball.
It's like Valentine's Day spit in my mouth.
(PHONE RINGS) Baby bra! It's your badass older sister calling and I need you to hook me up.
Hook you up with who, like a therapist? No, not a "who", a "what".
The weed, Eric.
I want to purchase some and I don't want it to be laced - Whatever that is.
- Go get it yourself.
There are, like, 20 dispensaries by your place.
Oh, I thought those were vegan cafes.
Also, I don't smoke weed, so I'm probably gonna tell mom and dad.
Eric, no! What kind of millennial are you? Why aren't you on the weed? Are you drunk? Let's just say, that a lot of people left a lot of kind of booze at my last party.
(LAUGHS) You're day drinking left over liquor? Don't answer; I'm disappointed.
'Kay, bye! No! (GRUNTS) Oh-kay.
Egh! Malibu Tastes like grade 10 vomit.
(SIGHS) Great job, Mo-Mo! Now, all we need you to do is assemble the tables and the chairs, take out those clothing care packages, and decorate.
And, what are you gonna do? - Supervise! - Cool Then I'm gonna supervise these cookies into my mouth.
Oh, I knew this was more of a Jen thing.
Oh, come on! I just carried 20 boxes of cookies and 10 boxes of clothes up 3 flights of stairs.
God is dazzled.
And honestly, who else is there to impress? Hi, Diego! Oh my God.
Let's go, people.
These clothing care packages won't assemble themselves.
Hi You must be Diego.
And you must be an angel.
Oh, damn, that's a good line.
That's what we call the volunteers here, angels.
Too bad; I'm rolling with this.
It's nice to meet you.
Jennifer, as in St.
Jennifer.
Like the patron saint of disasters? And fevers! Yeah, maybe just call me Mo.
(LAUGHS) Dear sir or madam, I got your email from Craigslist and thought that you might be able to provide me with some (WHISPERS) marijuana.
Spell check.
Your favourite game is Chrono Trigger?! That's so cool! Oh (LAUGHS) Sorry, I'm not good around Mittens.
Same.
I'm 24, I still need an idiot string.
(LAUGHS) I was gonna say cool girls.
I can't believe we both like video games and Norwegian Forest cats.
And, we both hate Men In Black one, but love Men In Black II.
They were finding the characters the first time around.
And, we're both religious! Yeah! - (PHONE RINGS) - (LAUGHS) So bad.
Yello? Jen, I think Karen Was right - I'm bad.
I've already broken most of the commandments.
I've lied, I used the Lord's name in vain, and I stole cookies from disadvantaged members of society! You are a 100-pound minimum wage worker with chronically inflamed adenoids.
You are a disadvantaged member of society.
You feel me.
What'd you lie about? Hey, I haven't seen you at mass here.
What church do you go to? Ah all of them.
Well, stick with it.
You know, for a hot second, I was struggling with being bad, but now let's just say it's 5 o'clock somewhere.
It's 5 o'clock here.
It's 5:30, actually.
Sambuca, tastes like the inside of an old Chippendale dancer.
(DISCONNECTED SIGNAL) Hello? It's really nice to meet another young person who's not afraid to have God in their life.
In my life, in my heart, in my house.
God is basically stalking me.
People hear "Catholic" and they think of all the stereotypes.
But, I'm a big supporter of LGBTQ rights and pro-choice.
That is very cool.
For me, the church has always been about helping out others.
- Community.
- I like that.
Kindness, generosity - Honesty.
- Agh! (PHONE RINGS) Mo! I am being so bad.
I'm eating unborn cookies! Also, I'm going to make a booty call.
Enough out of your mouth.
Listen to my mouth! I think Diego might be converting me.
Or, is it reverting me? It doesn't matter, because once he finds out I'm a liar, he's gonna drop me like Cain dropped Abel.
Who's Diego? Just this perfect Catholic guy.
If a good person was here, they would tell you to be honest.
I'm basically Catholic.
Both my parents are Catholic.
Mo, religion is not a race.
Tell that to the American news media.
(KNOCKS) You emailed me? Hey! You're the nurse from Karen's clinic! Come What are you doing selling drug stuff? Well, I got 4 kids by 5 fathers; you do the math.
Anywho What are you looking for? I got uppers, downers, ravers, casuals, organics, free-range.
I'm after some reefer, cannabis, dope, grass, Maui Wowie, little ganja.
Okay, there is a dispensary directly across the street.
I thought that was an improv theater? It also is.
But, I did get out of bed this morning.
So, I've got sativas, indicas, hybrids.
I've got some Champagne Kush, Bullrider, Fort Collins Cough, Mendo Purps, a little bit of White Fire.
I have some Alanis.
I'm out of Morissette's.
I got some Wilfrid Laurier, I've got some Baby's Breath, I've got some Grandpa's Diapie.
And, my personal favourite, Placemat.
Awesome! Which one's weed? Are you a narc? Mo, why is Jen CC'ing me on all of her drug emails? And why did she start that hashtag "rave ready"? I'm a devout Catholic, Karen.
Not gossiping gives me a real pocket rocket.
If you are going to pretend to be religious, you might want to avoid the term "pocket rocket".
Who's pretending? You, to impress the world's cutest Catholic.
Why would I do that? Dude doesn't even seem that Catholic.
So, I think tomorrow I'll start off with an intro.
Something like, "This one goes out to a very special someone.
You know who you are.
" Ever since you came into my life, my world's a whole lot brighter.
WHEN I SEE YOU, MY HEART FREEZES.
WHEN YOU TALK, MY SOUL RELEASES.
WITHOUT YOU, I'D FALL TO PIECES.
I LOVE YOU I love you, too.
I LOVE YOU, JESUS.
- God damn! - Sh! I gotta ask - Why the sudden dark turn, lamer Bobbsey Twin? Everybody just thinks I'm a goody two-shoes.
But there is more to me than punctuality and extraordinary scheduling.
Okay You don't like labels.
"Good", "bad'; that's what those are.
You think I like labels? "Nurse", "mom".
- "Drug dealer".
- No, that one I like.
Listen, nobody's just one thing.
You're not good or bad.
You're both.
That's really wise.
Yeah, I'm crazy stoned right now.
I'm kidding.
(LAUGHS) I'm pregnant, which is like being stoned, except absolutely awful.
Okay (GRUNTS) My kids are in the van with the window cracked.
But, if you're not done dipping a toe into the dark side Try one of these.
But just one! I don't want to be responsible for you seeing your worst future in household objects.
Or your best future, 'cause that'll eventually disappoint you.
This sucks.
I don't feel anything.
Oh, there it is.
(PANTING) Burn off the gummy calories.
Burn off the gummy effect.
(LAUGHS) Right, Mo? (PANTING) Oh You're the goody two-shoes.
Oh, God.
This dress is a prison for my flesh.
I'm 'a Cinderella this bitch.
Oh my God, I look gorgeous! Time to booty call.
So, what's everyone's favourite saint? Look, I've never boinked anyone; that's gotta be like a million Pope points, right? Well, it's nice to meet a young lady who keeps her pocket rocket in her pants.
(LAUGHS) You feel me.
(CLAP) Diego, you found a nice Catholic girl.
I'm impressed.
Oh, well, um I was gonna do this, but when we're done setting up, Mo, would you like to lead us in prayer? Oh! Ah! - Uh - Yeah, seriously.
(AWKWARD LAUGH) Booty Booty.
Booty, booty, booty, booty, booty, booty.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
(KNOCKS) Hello, booty call! Ah Oh my God.
Jen, are you okay? Speaking of getting it on Wow, you have, like, no pores.
Ah Thank you? Let's get you home.
Okay, we're gonna bring you down now.
I hear you, but I don't understand you because all your words turn into rivers of dragons.
Yeah, you've shaken hands with my girl, Mary Jane, tonight.
I just remembered the ocean's a thing.
It's big, too big.
I'm guessing you don't partake in the green too often.
I don't partake in anything too often.
My mom won't let me.
And now, I won't let me because issues.
But, I'm tired of being seen as this uptight goody-goody.
Well, I don't see you that way.
Crap, did I do a weird kiss? No.
Did I pass the highness onto you? That's impossible.
Because the highness was in us all along? I should go.
That was bad.
Wasn't it, Mo? Jen, I haven't led a prayer since church camp.
What if I do it wrong and they're not blessed properly, and then, they all end up going to he Mo, I don't want to be bad anymore 'cause I'm not bad, or good.
I'm both.
I'm bood! Great, I'm having a metaphysical crisis.
I'll rescue you; that's what bood people do! But do you think the ceiling mold looks like an old man's face because I do.
(ORGAN) A reading from the book of Revelations! Oh, wow.
"The fearful and unbelieving idolaters and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone.
" (ORGAN) Okay, um Here's a nicer one.
Book of John.
"God is greater than our hearts and knows all things"? (ORGAN) I think what John is saying is that it doesn't matter what we call ourselves, or what others call us.
We know our own truth and that truth is made up of a lot of things.
Faith is made up of a lot of things.
Goodness is made up of a lot of things And that's okay.
(APPLAUSE) (GASPS) Jen, you came.
You really are a good person.
Turns out I'm fine.
- I got this.
- What? (CLEARS THROAT) Ah! The word of God We're not gonna need that.
See, my drug dealer once told me it's up to you Even you, sir.
To decide your truth! Screw the rules! Do what you want! Can I get an, "Amen"?! So, I may not be as church-y as I led you to believe.
Yeah, I figured that when you described the Beatitudes as a real "pocket rocket" of a chapter.
(LAUGHS) Well, look I don't go to church.
I don't go to confession.
I don't even know what I believe in, just that, someone or something must be watching over me, if I have a friend willing to rush across town tripping absolute balls just to save me.
Well, you know what my favourite part of Catholicism is? Forgiveness.
What, do I have cookie on my face? Um (ORGAN) Do you want to go smooch in the parking lot? - Yep! - (LAUGHS) Hey.
How you feeling? Listen, I wanted to apologize for earlier.
I've never done a booty call before.
Well, yeah, the call part's not usually done in-person.
Well, that's good to know.
Listen, I was wondering if maybe when I'm lucid we could - I'm seeing someone.
- Oh! Well congrats! It's my ex.
We're getting back together.
Look, I wasn't planning this.
And if I was still single maybe we could Oh, don't worry about it.
I mean, there's plenty of booty for me to call.
I'd love to still try hanging out as friends if you're up for it? - Definitely.
- Thanks, Jen.
You are a really good person.
Yeah, I've been told.
(LAUGHS) Why?! I can still hear and see you.
'Kay, thanks.
Bye! Ugh! (GROANS) I can't believe I got excommunicated from a church I'm not even a part of.
It's kind of a miracle.
Jennifer Wu, that was a one-of-a-kind Versace dress! Yeah, but it wasn't me.
It cost me thousands of dollars! Wish I'd known that before the candy weed.
Karen, I want to be there for you on your big day, but I gots to be me.
And this dress, wasn't me.
I could have returned it! Yeah, I'm not feeling mine either.
Can't go strapless with these.
It's like supporting a family on a single income.
Fine! You can choose your own dresses! But just make sure that they are tasteful, and elegant, and midnight plum.
Just say purple.
And the wedding is in 10 months, so don't dawdle.
You know, I have to admit, that was pretty badass back at the church.
So, if you still want to rave Actually, I don't think raves are for me.
Yeah! That's what I said originally! Oh! So good.
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