Secret Diary of a Call Girl s02e04 Episode Script

I don't do that very often.
Fantastic sex.
Unpaid.
With someone I actually like.
A bit.
Quite a bit.
I think.
When did sex become so complicated? Shit! First client in 6 days, I cannot be late for this.
- Alex! - Mm! What? - I have to leave.
- What's the panic? I've erm, I've got a meeting.
- On a Saturday? - Yeah, I'm meeting a friend.
Jemima from schoolfor lunch.
- I'll come.
- Er, no, no.
You can't come without a warning.
That's just not very polite.
- Well, text her and warn her.
- She's a bit She's a bit weird.
She's not very niceto men.
She's a horrible horrible, horrible woman and you do not wanna have lunch with her.
- OK.
- OK.
'Not one of my usual hotels.
But then this isn't a usual kind of job.
This one's been set up by my new best friend.
Bambi's idea of a favour.
A threesome with, wait for it, a distinguished nightclub owner.
Bambi is a complete liability but needs must.
Belle.
What's wrong? You're gonna kill me, babes.
What happened? I've got a little friend come to stay.
- Who? - Aunty Flo.
Bambi, have you taken something? What? No.
I I've got the painters in.
- Oh, you're taking the - - I know.
Please don't shout at me.
- My head's banging.
- I'm not shouting.
How can you not know when your period's due? Page one, Bambi.
I dunno.
I justforgot.
I lost my diary.
This month's flown by.
I've been up the wall.
Look, we can call Stephanie.
Get one of the other girls in.
- He's here in five minutes.
- Well, I'll just say my nan's died and it's just you.
We can give him a discount.
No! Absolutely no way! It's completely unprofessional! Well, what am I supposed to do? - What's this? - That's sponge.
And what am I supposed to do with it? Not on your life, babe.
OK.
Belle, wait.
- What if it's still got Jif on it? - Straight out the packet.
- Are you sure it's gonna work? - Yeah.
- If it's up high enough, it should be fine.
- Ugh.
Fine.
Beautiful.
Close, Belle.
Ha, ha.
Girl with a quick wit! Love it, love it, love it.
Martin.
Delighted to meet you, Belle.
So, captivating as you are, Belle, I trust this isn't a party just for two.
- Ah.
- Hi, there.
I'm Bambi.
Wham-bam, Bambi! Mwah.
So, can I get you anything, Martin? I think I've got everything I need, thank you very much.
Oh, yeah.
Mm.
Oh, my God.
Is that what I look like? I mean, she looks ridiculous.
Not her fault.
She's just doing her job.
If that's what the client wants, that's what the client gets.
Come on, Belle.
Get involved.
Mm.
Hey! What about that, then? Here we go! Ooh! Ooh.
Love it, don't you? Tell me you love it, girls.
Oh, I love it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Belle, what's going on? Come on.
Get a grip.
- Sorry about that.
- Everything OK? Yeah, just had a bit of a dizzy spell.
Ah.
Don't worry.
I tend to have that effect on women, Belle, eh? No.
Actually, no.
I can't do it.
Put your head between your legs.
Have a glass of water.
I'm not dizzy.
I'm just not gonna have sex with you.
- You're a prostitute, for God's sake! - She's new.
Fine.
I'll do everything but have sex.
So will my wife.
That's why I'm here.
It's not gonna happen! - It's not funny, Ben.
- Come off it.
He was wearing a leopard print thong.
- It's completely understandable.
- It wasn't because of his pants.
Come on.
You were just having a weird one.
Take a couple of days.
Chill out.
- I've been off all week.
- What are you talking about? You haven't had one night off.
I've been trying to get hold of you.
- I met someone.
- What do you mean? A man.
- His name's Alex.
- What, you haven't been working? No.
I'mI'm sorry.
I I really wanted to tell you.
It's just happened so quickly.
- I haven't had time to think about it.
- What's happened so quickly? - Me and him.
- You and him? Ben, do you wanna stop repeating everything I say? Sorry.
Sorry, since the last time I saw you, you've met someone who's become a "you and him".
I met someone and it's fun.
We're having fun and I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it before.
- You know what it's like.
When you met Vanessa - - When I met Vanessa, - I told you the next day.
- It took you a month to tell me you proposed.
- Didn't lie to your face.
- Oh, Ben.
Come on.
I'm sorry.
I'm telling you now, aren't I? So, it's a week later.
Shoot me! What does he do? He's a doctor.
What does he think of your job? Surprise, surprise, Ben, I haven't told him.
Anyway, I might not have a job if I carry on like I did today.
Was it because of him? - What? - Could you not go through with it - because of him, because of Alex? - I dunno.
Every time I shut my eyes I justkept picturing him and the whole thing just felt a bit wrong.
It's more than a bit of fun, then, isn't it? I've known him five minutes.
- But - What but? There is no but.
He's nice.
We're having fun.
It's no big deal.
Today wasan aberration.
Probably was the thong.
- Wouldn't have happened with one of my regulars.
- Right.
Bit of support, please, Ben.
He's nice.
You'd like him.
I'm sure I would.
- In fact, he wants to meet you.
- Why? Because I talk about you all the time.
Right.
I was thinking about lunch this week.
All right.
Brilliant.
- Really? - Yeah.
Sure.
You come clean to him and I'll come and have lunch with you.
Yeah, that's a really good idea! "Hi, Alex.
Ben's really looking forward to meeting you.
Quick heads-up, though, before we sit down to eat, I'm a prostitute.
Mm.
The lamb looks nice.
" Sort it out, Ben! You can't keep it from him.
That's completely out of order.
And it's out of order to use me as some sort of decoy.
A decoy.
For God's sake, Ben, for once I'm engaging in the fairly normal activity of seeing someone.
And I'd like you to meet him.
I'm not getting married.
I'm not trying to shaft anyone.
It's not serious.
I haven't got some big ultimatum on my hands.
I'm just trying to live a life, which you are a big part of.
- It's just lunch.
It's no big deal.
- So you keep saying.
Do you know what? Don't worry about it.
Don't come.
- Where are you going? - To rub myself with a big stick.
I can't do Thursday.
You'll really like Ben.
He's brilliant.
I hate him already.
- Is he better-looking than me? - Is that actually possible? I suppose not, no.
Yeah.
I'm gonna like him.
I can't wait to meet him.
Thanks for tonight.
- I had a really lovely time.
- Whoa.
I'm worried that sounds like the sentence, "I've got a headache and I wanna go home early," is gonna follow.
Not at all.
I just wanted to say it.
Anyway, you know what the best cure for a headache is? Two Nurofen and an early night.
No.
Sex.
Shall we go back to yours? Er, isn't your place nearer? - I don't think so.
- I think it is.
OK.
Yeah.
We can go back to mine but you've gotta be quiet cos I've got this neighbour from hell and - Hannah, why don't you want me to see your flat? - Now you're being silly.
- Or meet your friends, or You're having lunch with Ben tomorrow.
- You're meeting my best friend.
- Oh, OK.
I didn't realise it was a trade-off.
"You're meeting Ben, so that's another couple of weeks you're not allowed to see my flat.
" Oh.
You're making me feel like some clingy twat.
And I'm not.
I'm just suggesting we go back to your place.
- That's all.
- All right.
We'll go back to mine.
It's no big deal.
Good.
Do you wanna run up ahead and lock your husband in the cupboard? No.
Looks like he's still out.
Whoa! What is that? It's my friend.
Girl, so sorry it's la- Babes, didn't realise you were wor- - What are you doing here? - I just felt a bit bad about yester- Erm, Alex.
This is Bambi.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
It's one thirty in the morning.
I know but I thought you might still be up andlook, you are.
- Yeah and we're just going in.
- I could head off.
No, no.
I don't wanna gatecrash.
It was just on the off-chance.
It's fine.
I'll see you at lunch tomorrow.
OK? OK.
Drinking problem.
What do you want, Bambi? - What's that? - Your share of the money from yesterday.
- I felt like a shitbag not splitting it.
- I didn't do anything.
You did me a favour.
Turning up at the last minute.
Plus, you helped me out with the wholesponge thing.
Gross out! - I said I didn't want it.
It's fine.
- You gotta take it.
I'm really sorry he turned out to be such a dick after me talking him up like that.
Sounded very nice on the phone.
"Love it, love it, love it.
" Go on.
Please.
All right.
Thanks.
Would it be all right if I hang out here? Just for a bit? Er So, that's the boyfriend, then.
- Yep.
- He seems nice.
- Yeah, he is.
- Fit as a butcher's dog.
- You told him what you do? - No, course not.
Not sure how much longer I can keep that going for, though.
Well, it depends, doesn't it, how serious you are.
If it's just a fling - He wants to meet my mates.
- I could come out with you both.
He's already met me.
We could do something fun like go bowling.
Thanks, but no thanks.
Er, I don't think bowling's his thing.
Plus, we're having lunch with my mate Ben tomorrow.
Well, I could maybe come to that with you.
- What's Ben like? - Engaged.
I didn't mean it like that.
I was just - thinking it could be a laugh.
- Yeah.
Might be a lot of things.
A laugh, not top of the pile.
You really need to loosen up, babes.
So, who do you support, then? - Oh, I'm a rugby manactually.
- Yeah.
- Are you into that at all? - Sorry? - Rugby? - Er Right.
No, I'm not.
Right.
So, you're a doctor? - Yeah, yeah.
- It's a great job.
- You enjoy it? - Yeah.
- Ah, there she is.
- Sorry.
Sorry I'm late.
It's all right.
We were having a lovely chat.
You didn't tell me Alex was into rugby.
No.
Should I have done? No.
Ben's a footie bloke.
Bit little for rugby, aren't you? I er, know it's only lunch but I thought - day off, why not? - Yeah.
- I'm gonna get a beer, actually.
- Good girl.
Try it.
It's really nice.
I thought wine brought you out in a rash.
- Only certain types.
- There's a doctor handy if anything shouldkick up.
Yeah, I'm here to help.
Alex has just been er, sharing his theory about you and me.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
He erm reckons you're living a double life.
Does he now? I was just er, having a laugh with Ben before you got here.
And I think it's time you came clean, huh? How many of those did you manage to cram in before I got here? Oh, yeah, that's right.
Alex, I'm a big girl's blouse and can't take my drink.
Youyou look healthy enough to me.
Thank you.
So, Hannah, as I was saying, are you gonna tell Alex the truth or shall I? What are you on about? Right, then, I will.
Alexthe lovely Hannah here isin facta - Ben.
- .
.
spy who works for the MI5.
That was absolutely hilarious.
I'm so sorry, I have to get this.
it's work.
Back in a sec.
- Why are you being like this? - Are you kidding? Like what? Ben's allergic to everything, shit at rugby.
- He can't take his drink.
- I always take the piss.
- Not in front of people.
- I'm just trying to be normal.
- What are you trying to be? - How about polite? - Look after me, Han.
For fuck's sake.
- Look after you? The "Hannah's leading a double life" bollocks.
Is that looking after me? Whatever's going on, deal with it.
Stop being like this.
- Everything all right? - Yeah.
Fine, thanks.
Ben thinks I'm being a twat.
Hannah! Well, can't just pretend that everything's hunky-dory.
- I'm sure you can.
- Should I go to the loo? No, Alex.
You're fine.
- I'm really sorry, Ben.
- It's fine.
Let's just forget about it.
It's just we're so close, I thought we could say anything to each other.
- Let's just drop it.
- You can't bring that up and not wanna talk about it.
You're making Alex feel uncomfortable.
Oh, well, I'm on a roll today, then, aren't I? It's fine.
You're not making me feel unc - Shall we order? - Yep.
Is it really crappy if I have burger and chips? No, that's fine.
I'm gonna getthe risotto.
- What about you, Ben? - Beef Wellington.
- I'll go order.
- Thanks, Alex.
Thanks a million, Ben! You're making this really fucking awkward.
Problem solved.
Where did Ben go? I'm sorry, Alex, I I think he's having some girlfriend problems, or something.
Hannahis there something you're not telling me? No.
Pretty easy to work out.
- What are you on about? - Ben's in love with you, isn't he? W No! No, Ben's like my brother.
- I don't think he sees it like that.
- No.
- You've got the wrong end of the stick.
- I don't think so.
It's nothing to do with me.
I've overstepped the mark as it is.
So - W How do you mean? - I just I know what I said about playing it cool and having fun and all that stuff but The truth is Hannah the more time I spend with you the more into you I get.
You've got this brilliant knack of keeping everything compartmentalised.
And I used to be like that.
And until I met you .
.
I was just sleeping.
I know that you are the most fantastic, beautiful thing that's come into my life for .
.
as long as I can remember.
AndI wanna see inside your flat.
And I wanna meet your friends, even the mad ones.
Andat some point God forbid, I may even wanna meet your parents.
But it is painfully obvious from where I'm sitting that you don't want any of that stuff.
And if I'm honest, I don't know if I want to carry on with something that's gonna get deeper for me and more and more awkward and problematic for you.
There you go.
I said it.
Could you please say something? I love you.
Fuck.
Today.
I'm gonna tell Alex today.
You're just somebody my dad's paid to sleep with me.
So, it's er, going well with you two? - You and er, Alex? - Yeah.
You're in love with her.
See, I'm a real girl.
- I've got a girlfriend, Alex.
- Yeah! What's her name?