Single Parents (2018) s02e04 Episode Script

1 That's a big hole.
You can thank the axe-happy fire department for that.
You know who can fix this for you? The twins? No.
I can't afford them.
Their pricing's insane.
Do you want it done cheap, or you want it done right? Do people come to your work and try to low-ball you? We don't need a contractor.
And do you wanna know why? - Oh, God.
They're gonna rap.
- 'Cause No whinin'! No bitchin'! Pick up a hammer, get your butt in the kitchen! See, now I'm sorry I'm here.
Oh, come on, Douglas.
It's the upbeat chant that Kevin and Kerry Kitchen do before they start a big project.
Kevin and Kerry Kitchen? From "Mr.
and Mrs.
Kitchen.
" Streaming's top-rated home-renovation married couple? - Unreal! - Unreal, Douglas.
You have to engage in the culture, bud.
You're only as young as your viewing habits.
I know who Mr.
and Mrs.
Kitchen are, okay? I'm not some Appalachian dog chained to a dead tree.
I just don't understand why you think you can fix a wall based a TV show you've seen about construction workers in a failing marriage.
Kevin and Kerry are very much in love.
He is the fridge to her freezer.
Every relationship takes work.
- Every one.
- All right.
That's plenty for me.
Be well.
Dad, please hire the twins.
I want you coming home in one piece.
Too late.
Our price just doubled.
You snooze, you lose, D'Amato.
Thanks for helping me patch this hole.
Got to show Graham that fire damage isn't that scary.
You know, he's Graham.
The way he deals with fear is very specific.
Turned his bedroom into a bunker again? Yup.
He's probably gonna be in there for a while.
I can't afford to miss any more work.
I already used up all my sick days on the "Titanic" incident.
Hats off to you, Mr.
Cameron.
- What an imagination.
- Oh, he didn't make it up, sweetie.
Titanic was a real ship that went down.
What?! Okay, we have to fix this tonight.
And we will, with the help of the heroic Mr.
Kitchen.
Ma'am.
Hey, uh, Graham doesn't actually know how the fire was started, does he? That his dad was here and you guys were doing stuff? And then the printer exploded? God, no! No, I came up with a great cover story.
You have some nerve showing your big, dumb face around here.
I maybe told him that the printer catching fire was your fault.
What?! How? Well, I might have told him that you were printing out some "Little Mermaid" fan fiction that you wrote, where in the end, instead of Ariel getting her voice back, she dies.
- Angie! - I panicked! I'm sorry.
I was raised to throw people under the bus.
Strangled by a soda-can ring? You're sick! Oh, man, Poppy, corporate life is killing me.
Must be nice to sit here and do nothing all day.
Miggy, I own a business, and you're a temp paralegal, so I didn't hear none of that.
I'm too tired.
Hey, Miggy, we made a human saddle so you can give us piggyback rides all night.
Yeah, I saw them crafting it.
Seems sturdy, but doesn't look comfortable.
Huh.
Well, hey, I have an idea.
How about we play a game called "Tired Dad"? I'll be the Tired Dad, and you be the friends who take care of his toddler son.
That's a game? Yeah, and it just started.
Here.
Take my car keys and get the A.
C.
running.
Toodle-oo.
Hey.
So, Rory's at Graham's something about building a bunker.
I didn't ask, but I probably should've.
Anyway, on the bright side, maybe you and I could hang out? Oh, I would love to, but I'm having some buddies over tonight.
- Ah.
- I'd invite you, but it just doesn't seem like your scene.
Oh.
A bunch of old white guys assuring me they're not racist? No, thanks.
I've been to New England.
Okay, look, we'll have breakfast at the track tomorrow.
- Yes, please.
- Okay.
Bye.
- Bad move, Poppy.
You're blowing it.
- Hmm? You're dating now.
You've gotta get in with his friends.
Well, yeah, but if I meet them, then I can't imagine they're not the bad guys I know they are.
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
Look, relationships get stronger if you bond with the homies.
When I was with Zara, I became a math whiz to impress all her smart friends.
Yeah.
I memorized every single number up to 236.
Well, you know you only have to memorize the first 10 and then a pattern takes over? - What do you mean? - No, no, no.
We're not doing this.
But maybe you're right.
Maybe I shouldn't be afraid to meet Douglas' crowd.
Cool.
I'll go over there with you.
Miggy, you're watching the kids.
Still? Damn, I'm tired.
- My name is Kerry.
- And I'm Kevin.
- And we're The Kitchens.
- The Kitchens.
It's our real name.
And now our job! Aren't these guys just the freakin' best? I-I know Kevin is on trial for punching a Postmate, but he's just so likable on the show.
I'm just still struggling with the fact that you told Graham I'm the one who set your house on fire.
But for a good reason killing America's favorite mermaid.
What was I supposed to tell him that his AWOL dad was here and we had sex? No, you're right.
It was one or the other.
Can you just take this fall for me, just this one time? I guess Kevin did take the fall for Kerry during the Norfolk job, when she installed the bidet wrong and it perforated that homeowner's colon.
Yes.
My man! Now let's crank that theme song.
This is where I put my flashlight, those are my canned goods, and this is where I try to sleep but don't, 'cause of all the new fear in my heart.
Oh, Graham.
Oh, honey, sweetie, baby, darling.
We need to get you out of here.
But it's scary out there! And in here, it's safe.
Think about it.
It's just you and me.
We could create a whole new society.
- A whole new society? - Yeah.
And every society needs a ruler.
Well, it is my room Okay, I'll be the ruler of this bunker, but you need to bend to my vision.
- What's your vision? - Simple extended Kennedy family reclusiveness, full-on "Grey Gardens.
" That just seemed like a bunch of words, but I'm in.
Mold me.
Hi.
I know you said it's not my scene, but I want to meet your friends, and if that means that I have to sign up for an NRA mailing list, then I'll send it straight to spam.
Oh, that won't help.
Once you're on the list, they find you anyway.
See? I'm already learning something new.
Now move aside.
I want to meet the guys.
- You don't want to.
- Douglas? Poppy, meet the girls.
Mmm.
Look at that spackling.
Our patchwork is so good, it makes the rest of the wall look like ass.
Now I can get Graham out of that bunker before he starts pickling things.
All right, well, I will see you tomorrow.
Good night, Kerry.
Wait.
You're leaving? Uh, yeah, unless there's something else you need me for? Actually, yes.
There's so many things that I haven't gotten to.
- Here's a list.
- Oh? "Clean out fridge.
Organize spice rack.
De-fuzz sweaters.
" Are these fire-related emergencies? No, not technically, but it'd be great to get 'em out of the way.
Uh-huh.
Cool.
Um, you know I'm not your handyman, right? Well, yeah.
Of course not.
I mean, if you were, I'd have to pay you.
Totally.
Also, not the point I'm trying to make.
Um Well, what is the point you're trying to make? Man, do you love a dramatic pause.
Angie, there's a giant rat behind you.
Now, please do not mistake my calm tone for anything but gut-wrenching fear, which is what you will experience if you turn around, so, Angie, do not turn around.
Oh, my God.
That's a possum.
- There's a possum in my house.
- Yeah.
It looks really mean and a little bit horny.
- Yeah.
- How did it get in here? We must have sealed it in.
Oh, what do we do? - We make a dash for the bunker - Uh-huh.
- but slowly - Uh-huh.
- so as not to alarm it.
- Right.
- Kitten feet.
- Kitten feet.
Yeah.
- Kitten feet.
- Kitten feet.
- Kitten feet.
- Kitten feet.
Kitten feet.
Stop! Shh.
Okay, so, I don't want to sound like a bad feminist, but who are these bitches? This is my grief support group.
A grief support group? Douglas, why didn't you tell me? I didn't tell anyone.
And I wasn't gonna tell you especially because I know - how you women are.
- Oh, boy.
All I'm saying is, if you put too many hens in the coop, well, then they start pecking at each other.
You know, it's their nature to fight over the rooster.
It's so hard to meet people.
Remember the apps.
Okay, the point is, even for a modern woman like yourself, I think it's better for our relationship if you don't see me being vulnerable in front of a bunch of women.
You'll get competitive, and I don't want to see your feathers all in a bunch.
Well, this hen doesn't ruffle so easily.
Why am I continuing with your metaphor? What I mean to say is, this is my sweet spot, Douglas.
I founded a whole business based on vulnerable women supporting each other.
Plus, we sell books.
And if you're going through something, I want to be there for it.
All right, well, if you want to join, go ahead, but this farmer's warned you.
Wait.
So now you're a farmer and a rooster? You know what? Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
Ladies, please welcome my special friend.
This is Poppy Banks.
- Hi.
- We neck.
Nice to meet you, Poppy.
Now, let's start as we always do with one of our group hugs.
Ah, terrific.
- Ahh.
- Ahh.
Aww.
So, this goes on for a while, huh? I'll just get a snack.
I don't think I like this.
I don't even know what it is! It's "Grey Gardens.
" We're being Big and Little Edie Bouvier.
Jackie Kennedy's hermit aunt and first cousin? How come you don't have to wear a muumuu? I will! But right now I'm trying to turn your soulless excuse for a bunker into a rundown East Hamptons mansion.
- Hey, hi! - Kitten feet, kitten feet, kitten feet.
Hi, Mom.
William.
Uh-oh.
It can't be good that you're in a costume.
Rory says my name's Edith now.
That tracks.
Will, meet me at the wall.
This is bad.
- Yeah.
- If Graham finds out there's a real possum out there, he will break completely.
We have to call animal control.
Damn! My phone's outside! Mine too.
Maybe we can borrow Rory's.
Hey, Rory, can we borrow your phone? No, I'm not comfortable with that.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
Okay, what do we do now? We remain calm, we get our phones, and we get rid of that beast - without Graham noticing.
- Okay.
But we cannot face that thing unprotected.
I hate this.
This time of year is hard.
Fall was Nathan's favorite season.
But it gives me comfort to know that in my darkest hour, this guy will come over and implement the Fogerty Special.
Um, wh-what's the Fogerty Special? Oh, you don't know? You watch "The Pelican Brief" while eating good scallops.
You know, it took me a while to find that combination.
For the longest time, I thought it was "Midnight Run" and lasagna, - but, eh, it just was too heavy.
- It always cheers me up.
- That, and one of his trademark hugs.
- Uh-huh.
Ah, okay.
So there's more hugs from Douglas? I could use one right now.
Oh, all right.
Everybody, come in for a Doug-Hug.
Bring it in.
Oh, Poppy, you gotta try a Doug-Hug.
It's wonderful.
- All righty.
- Aww.
We're dating, so I've had the hug.
All right, you know what? I think it's my time to share.
- Okay.
- Oh.
Um last month was hard for me.
I, um I came across a a note that Rose had had written me.
It was It was tucked in the back of a drawer somewhere and nothing special, just a grocery list, with only mayo and carrots on it.
God, she loved that snack.
To this day, when someone pairs a vegetable with a heavy cream, I I can't.
Douglas.
Hug flying in! Make room for the flock! Okay.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Okay, I'm gonna leave.
No.
Wh-What? Why? Wh-Where are you going? - Poppy, where are you off to? - Home.
I shouldn't be here.
Ah.
This is happening, isn't it? You're feeling jealous.
Maybe you're right I'm a hen and you're a rooster and we're all farm animals, and I shouldn't have come.
And I can't stand the fact that I feel this way because you're the caveman, and I own a feminist bookstore.
You know, I'm supposed to be above all of this and I'm not and it sucks and I am deeply embarrassed.
And I'm officially making a scene.
Great.
So, if this winds up on YouTube, Poppy Banks, feminist hero, is canceled.
- I see you, Diana.
- Oh! In theory, I support what you're doing, but in practice, I got to go.
Go easy on her.
Her ex-husband is still alive.
Here's the plan I stand here, you go get my phone.
Why's it have to be me? It's your phone.
Yeah, but, see, the thing is, I don't want to run into a possum.
Nobody wants to run into a possum, Angie.
They're like a first draft of a weasel.
Can' you just do this one thing for me, please? One thing? Recently, it feels like a lot of things.
Is this about the list? Because I thought you wanted me to organize my spice rack.
You called it a "spice wreck," which we all know is Rory's joke you stole.
All of your spices have expired.
Spices don't expire.
I feel like you're taking advantage of me.
I just spent all day patching the hole in your wall.
I had to cancel my plans.
- I didn't know you had plans.
- I did.
It karaoke night at KZOP, and I was supposed to emcee! Okay, that's on you, dude.
You should have said something.
Well, I didn't because I knew that you needed me.
Oh, y-you think I need you? Lately? Yeah.
A lot.
Patching up holes, being a scapegoat for Graham, trying to keep you from making a sexual mistake so toxic and weird that it literally set your house on fire.
I can tell this isn't going over well 'cause now you're giving me serious possum vibes, like, all of the anger and none of the horny.
Oh, I'm definitely not horny, okay? And I don't need you.
If there's one thing I know how to do, it's fend for my family, even if it means facing a wild, ferocious animal.
Angie, I know how strong you are, okay? I didn't mean to question that.
Well, it sounded like you did.
You know, how about this why don't you go? Do KZOP karaoke.
Sing "Waterfalls" with Guy McCormick if that's what gets you going.
You know damn well that's outside of my register.
There's the door, Will.
Go.
I'm scared.
- I mean, I embarrassed myself.
- Ah.
Is this who I am a jealous hen? I thought I was better than that.
Here's your chips, Tired Dad.
Oh, great.
Hey, you're winning.
I am? Yeah, sure, whatever.
I don't know.
Anyway, Pop-Tart, were you really jealous of these women? No, I don't think I was jealous of them.
Then what was it? Well, Douglas told a story about how Rose used to eat carrots and mayo.
And I imagined her eating it next to him, and I don't know it made me sad.
That is sad.
But also genius.
Kids! Carrots and mayo for a million points! I'm going for the million! Now we pretend that the chili is cat food.
Form it into a little mound and serve it to me.
Wh No! This is too weird.
And I don't understand how this is a "tale of wealth and rebellion.
" Whatever's scary out there can't be as scary as what's going on in here.
You better not be in my underwear drawer, you big perv.
Come on.
Show your Oh! Okay, you.
I'm not scared of you.
That's a lie.
Yes, I am.
Your teeth are incredibly freaky, and I really, really hate your nose.
And come on make up your mind.
Are you cross-eyed or not? But I have been on my own for many, many years, and the one good thing about that is, I can do anything.
So check it, possum.
I'm gonna catch and release you to Hell! Aaaah! This was stupid! Aah! Why are you holding that pointy cat upside down?! I don't know! Your mom's a dumbass! No, you're not! You're Angie D'Amato, pride of Sicily! Y-You're right! - Cool! Godspeed! - No, no, no, no, no! You get back here! You are Graham D'Amato! You don't need a bunker! We can handle anything together, so grab that bag and help Mommy trap this very agitated rodent.
- Aah! Aah! - Okay.
Now Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! - We did it.
- Ohh, we did it.
We just put a wild animal in my camp duffel! - I'm so proud of you! - No, I'm proud of you, Mom! That was intense.
But it's over.
Yeah.
Stop right there, you underbite-y son of a bitch! You guys okay in here? I heard screaming, and the f-front door was locked, so Oh, God.
I'm sorry about this.
I made it so much worse.
Aww, I was hoping you'd come back.
Look, I know I acted like a jealous hen earlier.
Man, that hen thing really burrowed into my brain.
Yeah, you know, I should write some of those down, maybe put out a book something small for like when you're on the john.
Look, Douglas, it wasn't just me being jealous about you opening up to those women, though I do want you to do that with me.
There was something real there.
And if I'm being honest it was hard for me to hear you talk about Rose.
I mean, my ex-husband and I we broke up, but your wife died while you were still in love with her.
She'll always have a place in your heart.
And I got to get comfortable sharing that.
Look, I'm still working through losing her.
But being with you well that's the happiest I've been in a long time.
Maybe I'll write those ladies an apology card.
- No.
That ship has sailed.
- Okay.
Yes, I am aware that wild animals can carry rabies.
No, I will not foster to adopt him.
Animal control? Yes, and they were very, very mean.
Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure that grabbing a possum by the tail, throwing it into a bag it's a big no-no.
So is diving through someone else's wall.
Oh, now you tell me.
I know you don't need anybody, but I-I kind of think I like being needed.
I think I have a problem.
Yeah, you do.
But I might sometimes exploit it, and I shouldn't.
Angie, I do all this stuff for you because I want to.
I mean, you're my friend, and patching a hole in a wall with you is way more fun than listening to Guy McCormick sing "Knocking on Heaven's Door" and then show us his bypass scars.
I have been leaning on you a lot.
and I-I think it might just be because Graham and I have never had anyone be there for us before.
And it was addicting.
Well, I mean, it certainly gives me insight into what would drive a wedge between Kevin and Kerry.
By the way, she absolutely had an emotional affair - with her tile guy, right? - Yeah.
- No, there was something going on there.
- Yeah.
100%.
"We're just friends.
" - My ass, Kerry.
- Yeah.
So insane.
We're We're gonna keep watching, right? We will never stop watching that show.
Oh, man, I am so sorry.
I totally Kool-Aid Manned through your wall.
I think it's time to face the fact that you and Graham cannot stay in this house.
You could stay at my place with Sophie and I.
Not a chance.
I told you I can fend for myself.
Got it.
So, where are you gonna stay? The rent is due at the first of the month.
The quiet hours start at 5:00 p.
m.
and go till whenever Tony blows the bugle.
There'll be no cartoons, no loose toys, no hands on the walls.
Good? You got it, Douglas.
And you I can't emphasize just how short a leash you're on.
Thanks for taking us in.
I know it might sound weird coming out of my mouth, but you're a warm and generous person.
Yeah, well, Poppy didn't give me much of a choice, and the girls in Group backed her up, so All right, here's where you'll be sleeping.
The floor of the sauna? I guarantee you that floor is more expensive than any bed you've ever slept on.
It's okay, buddy.
Just temporary.
Poor bastards.
Had to learn the hard way.
Next time, hire professionals.