Son of a Critch (2022) s02e04 Episode Script

Let's find out, and head over
to Carl with the weather. Carl?
Oh, so, Suzanne,
what do I owe you for my Avon order, hm?
$28, my love.
$28!
For makeup? What's the point?
I already know what ya
look like without it!
Uh, I think he means you're
naturally pretty, Mom.
You don't need makeup.
Well, certainly not $28 worth.
I mean, you're not joining the circus.
Maybe he's right, girl. Money is tight.
I'll just take the lipstick.
Fox's mother sold Avon products
like a New York City drug pusher.
Shut up, Mike.
You should sell your own Avon, Mary.
Make your own bit of money.
You'd make a great salesman, Mom.
Will ye crowd be quiet? I'm
trying to watch the news!
You know what, Suzanne?
I will take that makeup.
And the job!
All right, girl!
But don't go taking any of my
customers, 'cause if you do,
you're gonna need to cover
up your bruises with
Fresh look foundation.
That's a sample.
It's on page 12.
Oh, I won't have any
trouble getting my own.
You just try and keep up.
Oh!
Come on, girl, I gotta get
you your own catalogues!
For more, let's go to Glenn
Excuse me, Ducky, thank you.
Good God, it's a mob scene!
Volume!
Beer strike!
Canadian brewery workers
walked off the job today
to protest the switch to aluminium cans.
Leaving the entire province dry.
Glass is class!
Ban the can!
As the last few cases
of Canadian beer disappeared,
the boozers were left
with only one option:
American beer.
Look at them, fighting
over the last few cases
like it's the only lifejacket
left on the Titanic.
I've gotta get down there.
You don't drink beer, Dad.
Not to buy it, to cover it!
This is the biggest
beer-related news story since
that woman downtown found
that baby rat in her stubby.
- I saw it first!
- Yes, now,
and it'll be the last thing ya sees!
What is so bad about American beer?
Oh, it sucks.
There's no booze in it,
you can hardly get a buzz.
Gotta have like three or
four before you can even
I mean, so I'm told.
I wouldn't know, of course.
Oh, that Yankee swill,
it tastes the same going
in as it does coming out.
You know the expression
"goin' on the piss"?
Well, American beer
That's the piss.
Hello, Donny, it's me.
Uh, listen, um
Are you still working
on that beer truck?
I may have a little proposition for you.
Strike be damned.
Pop wasn't gonna let go
of the "beer" necessities.
Thank you.
What the hell?
Share the wealth, nerd.
I'm starved to death.
Mom's at an Avon convention and
Dad got on a bender last night.
No lunch.
Well, I got corned beef and
a tin of Vienna sausages
Whoa
Fancy.
Oh, how kind of you.
Hey, lunch!
Let's go.
Where are they going?
We're going to get fried chicken.
Off school grounds?
The Fox brothers were
old enough to teach,
so they could leave the school at lunch.
But the rest of us were
doomed to brown-bag it.
How I longed for a
stomach full of the regret
that grease brought.
Oh, look at the sooky babies
wit' their lunch-tins!
Mommy coming to put
ya on the teat, is she?
We could go if we wanted to.
What's that, little baby?
All I hears is "suck, suck, suck."
We didn't ask permission.
Aw, that's cute.
Come on, Ritchie, m'boy.
We're dining out today.
But I don't have any money!
I've still got some
cash from mowing lawns.
My treat.
You hear that?
His treat.
We'll walk you there.
Just leave him alone.
You can't mooch off him
just 'cause he's small.
Small?
What are you, his mommy?
- Mommy?
- He'll get in trouble.
He's not big enough to
eat off school grounds.
Not big enough?
The woman I loved thought I was a baby.
I had to prove my manhood.
It's fine.
I said it was my treat, and I meant it.
I did not mean it.
Gentlemen? Shall we take our luncheon?
- Thank you.
- After you.
- This way.
- Idiot!
Better keep an eye on him.
C'mon. Let's go.
Hurry.
Come on, let's go!
Ugh, Dick Dunphy with your
VOCM on-the-spot traffic.
I'm in a bumper-to-bumper
jam 'cause of a three-car
smash-up on the arterial.
Avoid the area.
Drive safely, arrive alive.
VOCM cares.
Dick, I need a run to the liquor store!
Jeez, Mike, I can't even look
at a beer after the night I had.
I was the emcee for strip
bingo down to the strand lounge.
Let's go!
They're about to sell the
last beer in Newfoundland!
I'm pretty sure I already drank it.
Come on, will ya?
You sure, Gertie?
Not even a skin so soft?
It's almost mosquito season
I understand.
All my best to Frank.
Ya stuck-up old bat!
Any bites?
No.
I've been on the phone all day
and I haven't sold a bloody thing!
You know, it's a lot
harder to say no to someone
if they're standing on the doorstep
with their foot in the door-jamb.
I guess that's true.
Yeah, come on.
Let's get this stuff sold.
What are you rushing me for?
I'm not rushing you.
No, no, come on, come on.
You've gotta sell. Come on.
I need my catalogues.
Good, good.
All right!
Close the door!
Donny, you packed?
Good.
Oh, we have an empty nest here.
I repeat empty nest.
Jesus!
Gimme your press pass
so I can buy some beer.
They're almost out.
Are you mad? You can't
cross a picket line.
Besides, I'm live in 4, 3
VOCM On-the-Spot News
at the liquor store,
where the scene is
Sobering.
It's a "bottle-neck" as
thirst-crazed customers
are desperate to lay their shaking hands
on the last bottle of Canadian beer.
Mike Critch, for the VOCM News service.
Come on!
Out of me' way!
Mike, Mike! Hang on, Mike!
I just gotta grab a case of Blue Star!
Press!
Press !
Press!
Arsehole.
There was no denying it.
I was one of the big kids.
Money can't buy happiness,
but it can buy chicken.
I'm gut-founded!
Thanks for the snack packs, Mark.
Mark?
You guys have called me
"arse," "tool," "dick,"
and "arse-dicked tool,"
but you've never called
me by my real name before.
Hey, dick.
We gotta go back!
It's quarter to one.
Is that chicken?
What are you doing here?
Those tools are just using you.
What, and you're not?
I can tell you only went
'cause you were scared.
Textbook peer pressure.
Look, I'm big enough to eat here,
and I don't need you
two mooching off me!
Fine. Be an arse!
I don't care.
Come on.
We're gonna miss the bell!
We're on the pip for
the rest of the day.
Wanna come with, Mark?
You're cutting class?
Come on!
Got somethin' you're gonna wanna see.
It was time to prove that just because
I ate chicken didn't mean I was one.
Forget it. You're still a baby.
I told you, he's too young!
People will know he's on the pip.
It's fine. Lead the way.
I felt like Little Red Riding Hood
Except I was a little brown-haired boy,
my wolf was a Fox, and
everyone had already eaten
the contents of my basket.
The big kids' hang-out in the woods.
A dark place between
childhood and adulthood
Where boys became men.
Wait
This is it!
Party time!
- Is is that
- It's Dad's.
He hates American
beer. He won't miss it.
He's always drunk, anyway.
He'll just think he drank it.
Shut up!
So
Baby want his bottle ?
Can?
There was peer pressure,
and then there was beer pressure.
Dad
What are you doing up?
I mean, home.
Shouldn't you be at school?
The boys pipped off so
I thought I would, but
I'll just go. It's fine.
No, wait.
Day off won't kill ya.
Missing school never hurt me.
Ooh
Ah, this American stuff
tastes like fish piss!
Can barely drink it.
Then don't.
What?
- Nothin'.
- No.
Don't be chicken. What?
If you don't like it,
then why do you drink it?
Jesus, I'm not an alkie, b'y!
It's just a few beer.
I-I know, I know. Just forget it.
It's fine.
Shag it.
Can't even get a buzz off it at all.
You eat?
No.
Help me get these empties together,
we get some money to get some
chicken and chips or something.
What do you say?
Uh, okay. Yeah.
That's better, huh?
Yeah.
Mr. Perez!
Where is everyone?
We
We
What's the matter, Ritchie?
Chicken?
Tina.
Well, Ritchie?
Away with you! Get off of me!
Get off of me now!
Good God, Dick! You
almost got me killed!
I'm sorry, Mike, but I can't go drinking
the American stuff, b'y!
I'll drink anything;
I mean, I'll even drink
the bits left at parties
with butts in 'em,
but I wouldn't use
that to flush a toilet.
Dick, this is American beer.
It's all they had left.
But I needs a straightener
if I'm gonna drive.
Drive, drive!
Wha ! What are you doing?
You should be out there
pounding the pavement.
I tried Putt's Farm,
Kirkland's Garage, nothing!
I got all the way down to the Flemings,
but they already bought
theirs off Suzanne.
She's got the whole road limbed out!
Well, get back out there!
No!
I'm, uh, here for the, um, package.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
- There you go. Whoa
- What're you up to?
Beer?
Good, thank you.
Look, I know a guy who
works on a beer truck.
A few cases got redirected
- Stolen!
- Diverted.
And I'm just out there to help
him get it out into the world.
Catch and release.
You bloody bootlegger! This is illegal.
Plus, those hard-working
boys down at the brewery
are trying to save
their jobs, ya frigger!
Look, calm down, will you?
It's not gonna happen again.
Ah.
Loyola.
You change your mind
about that citrus soap?
Uh, no, Mary. I'm here for Pat.
Pat, do you have that package?
I do indeed.
He can't sell you any beer.
But
He can give it to you for free
With the purchase of
select Avon products.
Ignore her.
Four dollars.
Hey, either we do this together
or I drop you outside that beer factory
with a sign around your
neck saying "bootlegger."
Pay the woman.
Here.
Hm!
You gonna drink it or what?
No, thank you.
I'm more of a Canadian beer guy.
Ha! Sook!
Sook!
I knew the dangers of drinking
Oh, are you okay?
Oh I'm dying. Bucket!
From watching my brother.
Just like I told my sister
You're a baby!
He had a point.
There was no way Fox
could say I was a baby
if I was a drinking man.
I mean, how bad could it be?
Gentlemen, to your health!
Yuck, that stuff sucks!
I mean, that American stuff sucks.
No booze in it!
Nuh-uh.
You don't leave here without drinking.
I don't want you to narc us out.
Ha-ha, very funny.
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug
What was that?
Come out, come out, wherever you are!
I can hear you!
- It's Sister Rose!
- I can't see you, but God can!
He sees you when you're sleeping!
He knows when you're awake!
I followed a trail of
denuded chicken bones.
Come on, my little Hansel and Gretel!
- Don't move.
- You can't hide forever!
If I find you deserters,
I'm gonna smack the
arse right off of ya!
I was terrified.
It was a good thing I wasn't sober.
Come out and talk to me!
Never having experienced booze,
I took my anxiety for being drunk.
Fee-fi-fo-fum!
I smell the beer of someone dumb!
They say humans have
two modes in crisis:
Fight or flight.
I had a third:
Freeze.
The Fox brothers ran smack into the nun,
just like moths to the flame.
I thought I was old enough to
eat lunch off school grounds,
but not even Pop was
old enough for this!
So, you wanna watch some
wrestling with the old man?
Ric Flair is about to
take on Angelo Mosca!
Yeah, sure.
I guess.
Dad?
Yeah, kitten?
It's nice when you don't drink.
Jeez, b'y.
So you really do think I'm an alkie.
No, no.
I-I never meant it like that.
I just meant
I want to spend more time here.
It's your house too.
Now, luh. Ric Flair.
The stylin', profilin',
limousine ridin'
Jet flying, kiss-stealing,
wheelin' and dealin'
son of a gun!
Woo!
Here, give me a fry. Give me a fry!
It's my fries! Stop it!
No!
All right, that's two Blue
Star and a skin so soft.
That comes to
- Fourteen dollars.
- Fourteen dollars.
But, if you take a bar of
moonwind soap on a rope,
we'll throw in two bottles
of Blackhorse and call it 20.
All right, thank you.
- There you are.
- All right.
- How're we doing?
- Fifty-seven dollars.
- Pat? You home?
- What? Officer Butt!
Quick, hide the stuff.
Quick, throw that over.
Oh!
Officer Butt, what brings you here?
I heard that there might
be some beer for sale here.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
All right, look, we haven't
got time for this, piggie.
Either arrest me or get lost.
Your cop car out there, it's
scaring off our customers!
Avon customers.
I've been selling Avon products.
No law against that.
Oh, well, that's too bad.
I was looking for a few
beer to take up to my cabin.
Can't drink that American piss.
Oh!
Well, in that case, you
came to the right place.
Four Jockey Club.
And a bottle of Sweet
Honesty Cologne for 30 bucks.
I was as sober as a judge,
but convinced that I was drunk.
I was terrified that
the nun would call Dad
and I'd be sent to juvie like
Mickey Rooney in Boystown!
What the hell are you doing?
Taking a walk.
Hm.
In the hallway?
Sure.
Sure. Okay.
So, walk.
Ah Yeah.
Hm. School called.
- Well
- Said you pipped off.
Uh, I can explain. I was just
I told them you came home sick.
So ?
What
is that pee?
No, it's beer.
No, it's pee.
But it's not mine! It's somebody else's!
Oh, you smell like
the floor of a legion!
How many did you have?
One.
Okay.
Act normal.
You're fine.
Oh, dear God.
I tallied up our take.
I sold all my product in one day.
Ha! A regular Estee Lauder.
I had a pretty interesting day myself.
Thought I wouldn't make
it out of there alive.
Like covering 'Nam.
"The battery of bottle-breaking bottlers
left this broadcaster black and blue."
They're gonna be out for
a hell of a long time,
take my word on it.
Father, Mother, Pop.
How is everyone?
I took my brother's advice.
The least suspicious thing
to do was to act normally,
which, when you try to do
it, always seems suspicious.
Is that coffee?
You drink tea.
I felt like a cuppa' joe.
What's that smell?
It's
Uh
Uh The
Oh, it's Mark.
The little weirdo got into your Avon.
Come on.
What, uh
Up, up, up, up.
Now, go wash up, 'cause
you friggin' reek.
Uh, apologies.
Breaking news.
Workers and the union
resolved the beer strike today
after a 22-hour bargaining session.
The hangover is over.
I knew it wouldn't last.
No more American beer.
You must be happy, Pop.
Good.
That American beer is awful.
Hm?
So I hear.
Goodnight.
The strike resolution
means that Newfoundlanders
can once again buy Canadian beer.
Sales of beer had dropped
50% in the capital city,
with some stores
Okay, I gotta pop out for a minute.
- Dad?
- I'll be right back.
Fox had been the only person in town
happy for the beer strike.
Her father was the rare
man who promised more sober
than he did drunk.
Fox knew the reality of beer.
I had been seduced by the mystery of it.
But, like Fox, I, too,
had become a teetotaller.
Are you alive?
The room's spinning.
Here.
Come on, take it.
Ugh, I don't want beer!
It's not beer, it's flat ginger ale.
Pretty much the same stuff you
were drinking earlier, though.
I remember my first beer.
How old were you?
Sixteen.
Wait, I had my first
beer before you did?
Ha-ha, shut up!
And hey, saying yes to
things doesn't make you tough.
Saying no does.
Don't let people push you into things.
My brother was right.
Why worry about peer pressure
when I barely had any peers?
I would be on my own personal
beer strike for a long time.