Spitting Image (2020) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Oh, my God! Tyson, did someone knock you out in training? Nah.
I fell asleep watching the Anthony Joshua fight.
Right, back to sleep.
Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! Jess Phillips, I need your help.
I'm supposed to be the star of the Labour Party Conference, but Angela Rayner's been getting all the attention.
Cos she shows some bloody passion, Keir.
But she used the "S" word, the one that rhymes with bum.
She got excited, and it worked.
Excited, eh? And how does that come about? You like football, right? How do you feel when Arsenal score? Content, on occasion.
Within certain parameters.
Oh, Diane Abbott's tits, bab! You must have some emotion.
What did you do on your wedding night? It was quite something.
We wrote our thank you letters all night.
Oh, I'm sick of you.
You bloody robot! Don't you whack me, you Brummie tart! That's it, bab! There's your passion.
And so, by convening the National Policy Forum to report to the National Executive Committee Eat the rich! The Conference Arrangements Committee, together with the organisational sub-committee Fuck the Tories! Being a celebrity isn't all fancy hotels, private jets and crashing Friends reunions.
Sometimes it's just about being me.
'Twat, by James Corden.
' I now convene this Select Committee to investigate the causes of the petrol panic.
First to give evidence, Barry and Susie from Maidenhead.
Um, why are we here? Because you, along with the rest of the idiot public, panicked about petrol and now there's queues everywhere.
Explain yourself, Susie from Maidenhead.
Everyone else was doing it.
I got worried.
I mean, I might have to go somewhere next week! Where? Where might you go? I don't know.
Just out for a pootle.
On weekends, we might have a pub lunch.
Don't distract the Prime Minister with talk of pub lunches! Ooh, would there be sausages? - And mash, with onion gravy! - Phwoar! The point is, your behaviour has created a crisis where there was none.
Where was your needle when you pulled into the station? - About three-quarter full.
- There, we have the admission.
Better to be safe than sorry.
I mean, what if something happened? What? What might "happen"? - I don't know, a petrol panic? - One final question.
Where did you purchase this petrol? The place just round the corner.
- I think we can go now.
- Pub lunch? I'm going mad, Rashy.
I can't score a goal.
I keep missing.
That's just football, you'll come good.
It's not just football, though.
I'm missing everything.
I even missed the bus yesterday.
Damn it! That was an absolute sitter.
I'm starting to see what you mean.
- Do you mind if I use your toilet? - No.
But I should warn you, I missed.
Harry, the important thing is you're in touch with your feelings.
It's out in the open now.
What a positive development for your mental health.
Oh, shut it, gaffer! You did it! You didn't miss! Ooh Meghan, this new Netflix show I'm producing for you is gonna be huge.
- Tell Elton all about it.
- It's about a beautiful young swan, but no-one treats her like the beautiful swan she is.
Until season two, when everyone apologises to her.
So brilliant and inspiring.
And we thought you could write the theme song.
Mm.
Ha-ha.
I can hear it already! Some Cs, some Gs, an F.
Why not?! Make it spicy.
And luckily, one of our neighbours in Santa Barbara - is a pretty famous lyricist.
- Bernie Taupin! - Tiny wanker! - The bitch is back.
We wrote dozens of hit songs over 30 years, till it turned out multi-platinum Bernie Taupin - wasn't good enough for The Lion King.
- Oh, not that again! - Oh! Hakuna my tata! - There's the old chemistry.
Anyway, the new show's theme song should be about a tragic princess.
I thought it was about a swan.
Well, what is a swan if not a floating princess? You know what? I love it.
- Which means I hate it.
I'm out! - Good! Who needs you? Go write a song about yellow bricks and crocodile rocks! You just write songs with Ks in them! What's the deal with K? Are you paid by the K? I'd like to see you write lyrics, Captain Fat-tastic.
Watch me, I'll write the whole song with no Ks in it at all.
Actually, the swan's name is Sweghan Swarkle.
That's a good name.
Damn! Greetings, fellow TikTok-ers! And especially the people of Afghanistan.
We created TikTok in China, but it's for you.
The Western nations have given up on Afghanistan.
But don't worry, China is ready to step in and help, - and we expect nothing in return.
- Sir, good news.
There are billions of dollars' worth of reconstruction contracts - available from Kabul.
- Not now, Qian! I'm busy showing everyone a fun new dance called the Kabul Kick.
Qian, drop the beat! Put your hands in the air And represent If you like the new Afghani government Islamic fundamentalists Are mighty fine Especially when they own so many Copper mines Get in a line and do the tiny If you are cool with a patriarchy To make Muslim friends We're eager Just ask our homies, the Uighurs Your natural resources Are all we want Democracy is for silly [BLEEP.]
So nod your heads Because it's gonna be gravy And stay out of our seas The US Navy.
I hope you liked your new dance, Afghanistan! Actually, sir, the Taliban just banned TikTok.
That will change.
I've called this meeting because we are facing a national crisis.
My KFC order hasn't arrived.
- Oh, no! - Dear God! Due to our precarious petrol predicament, Britain has literally run out of chickens.
Could this have something to do with Brexit? - Can't be.
- Absolutely not.
No! This could be trouble.
England runs on chicken.
I'll put the Army on standby.
- I'll cancel my city break.
- No! Much as our nation has defeated so many enemies in the past, we shall defeat this enemy of no chicken.
The proud people of Britain will not give in to panic.
- What do we want? - Chicken thighs! - When do we want them? - Now! Those people are hungry.
If we don't do something, it'll be us on the menu.
They've got garlic mayonnaise! I'm too young to be seasoned! Did somebody order a special relationship? Hi, y'all.
Sorry we're late.
Mr President, you've come to our aid just when we thought everything was clucked.
You can use this fella to start a breeding programme, and in five years, man, you'll be self-sufficient in Tasty, but could do with some hot sauce.
Ah! You have to admit, Deliveroo are bloody quick.
Ma-ha.
It's been more challenging than I thought.
But I flew here from Venice the moment I wrote the first line.
Sweghan Swarkle You'll go far-kle! It's great, but farkle's not really a word.
Ha! Well, there's no words that rhyme with Swarkle, - that's not my fault.
- Sparkle? Shut up, David! The truth is, I'm terrible at lyrics! You should have heard my songs before Bernie came along.
Rocket Man was Pocket Fan.
- Erm, what's a pocket fan? - I don't know! It fit with the melody.
Maybe you should just go apologise to Bernie.
I'm sure he'd have you back.
That's how I feel about my enemy, Kristen Stewart.
If she would just apologise for being so irritatingly aloof about her own fame.
It's like she has the fame, but she doesn't want the fame.
I could never apologise to Bernie.
It'd be so humiliating.
- I'm sorry, we're sunk.
- I'll write the lyrics! Oh, that's so sweet but words aren't your thing either.
Oi! I 'ad done biz went to Eton, I does.
Besides, lyrics ain't about words.
It's poetry about love.
All you need is love.
Love, love is all you need.
- That's a great lyric, right there! - Yes! The Beatles wrote it! Maybe we'll just make it instrumental.
No, I'm gonna do it.
I'll show all of you.
I just need a dictionary, a fethaurus and a book what with all the words in it.
A dictionary? I actually produce one.
Were you busy today, dear? I'm Sajid Javid, the Health Secretary for all of England during a major health crisis.
So, no.
Well, we have a problem.
The dishwasher is broken.
We're just going to have to learn to live with it.
We can't keep the kitchen on hold.
I need my tea.
But it's flooded the floor.
We can't cower to the dishwasher, Laura! Dad, I fell over in the shed and some of it got stuck on me.
Let's look at the bigger picture.
Statistics show that young people are in a relatively safe demographic.
No visit to the shed comes with zero risk.
- So I should learn to live with it? - Good boy! And now look! Well, it's a new challenge, that's for sure, but if we all pull together, we can learn to live with it.
I think it's going to eat you.
Which means we'll get to herd immunity quicker.
- Daddy! - No-o-o-o! Oh, it's in my eye! Argh! Do you know that your dishwasher's broken? 'The most watched forensic analysis team in the world' '.
.
is back for another season.
' Deceased male, probable murder.
To be fair, he's had an absolute shocker.
Micah, have you found anything? There's something dead funny, Alex.
Look.
I can make my hand go big! So, Alex, what do you think went wrong tonight? Well, for me, it's a bit of a mess, to be honest, Gary.
The victim's a ruthless billionaire football club owner who's bled the place dry running up massive debts, to the detriment of the team.
With absolutely no regard for the fans, the club's history or the good of the game? What a twat.
Right, viewers? As you can see, he's had his mouth stuffed with chips, and then he's been drowned in gravy.
So that tells me we've got to be looking for an angry Man United fan.
So we're looking for a prawn sandwich-eater who comes from Surrey, can't name any United players since David Beckham and has never set foot inside Old Trafford.
Sorry, but for me, that doesn't make any sense, Gary.
It was a joke, Alex.
- Oh.
- I'm the king of friendly banter.
Because of how likeable I am.
Right, viewers? If only we could bring dead man back to life.
Then he could tell us who killed him.
- Life doesn't work like that, Micah.
- Aw, I'm sad now.
We need to establish how long the victim's been dead.
I reckon less than five minutes.
These chips are still warm.
Are you eating chips from a dead man's mouth? - Only way to be sure.
- Well, we're out of time.
As usual, we basically contributed nothing.
See you all at next week's murder.
Good night.
'The evidence suggests that llama antibodies could cure COVID.
'These woolly wonders are not only lovely, they may also save mankind.
' Fucking llamas.
They think they're special cos they got two Ls.
Huh.
You know what else got two Ls? - My balls! - They're saving people, Mel, come on! We could save people.
- We're medical miracles.
- It's true.
We live longer than any other rodent.
- We're resistant to cancer.
- We won Vertebrate of the Year in 2013.
Oh! I won it this year.
- I win everything, you know.
- Ah, screw this! I'm offering myself to science in the service of humanity.
Well, be back in time for lunch.
It's your own faeces! I did it, I wrote the lyrics.
In your face, Furnish.
- I was always on your side.
- Ha ha! Right, let's have a sing.
Oh, help, it's me, Bernie Harry lured me over With the promise of Chablis Then he locked the door Until I wrote this song - What the hell is this?! - You locked up Bernie Taupin? In our wine cellar.
Look, I had no choice! You all said I couldn't do it, and then it turned out I couldn't do it.
I thought, if Bernie's locked up for a day, who's gonna miss him? I'd miss him.
I'm busting him out.
David, hand me my axe! Ooh, and my big glasses.
I want to make an entrance.
Ma-ha! Bernie and I just want to say thank you.
You made us realise how much we've missed collaborating.
And how addicted to Chablis I am.
So you wrote the song about the inspiring young woman? Well, we wrote a song about an inspiring woman.
It's the title track for the upcoming biopic of Angela Merkel.
- Got a great K sound, and it stars - Don't say it.
- Kristen Stewart! - Oh! Angela Merkel come full circle Hamburg girl in East Berlin Christian Democratic leader 'The Oscar for best song goes to 'Elton John and Bernie Taupin for Young Merkel!' Hold me closer Tiny Chancellor My God, Mel, what happened? - Those scientists, they sucked me dry! - Your blood? My sperm! Those bastards jerked me off - till my balls imploded.
- Oh, Mel! I ain't gonna be able to have sex again - No! - .
.
for five seconds.
Four, three, two, one.
- Here I come! - Woo-hoo! Ah! Oh! Take that, science.
Nature always finds a way.
There, there.
I'm Jameela Jamil.
It's gonna be OK.
I'm a feminist.
But you're an actress.
What are you doing in a trauma centre? Being mislabelled by you.
I'm an actress-host- multi-hyphenate-founder of I Weigh.
I've come to work here because I myself have endured so much trauma.
I was trapped in a landslide.
I had to eat my own legs to escape.
The same thing happened to me, metaphorically.
I was forced to come out as queer to stop people from tweeting mean things, and that was like eating my own heterosexuality.
But th-that's not really the same thing.
I Saying that is misogyny.
Let's see how you like body shaming! Wait, how was I Argh Patient needs 40 ccs of saline.
Stat! Ugh.
Here we go again with the mansplaining.
Mansplaining? But I'm a woman.
I'm sorry.
I was confused because you don't have symmetrical, voluptuous breasts like I do.
- Argh! - Hey, eyes up here! Could we possibly make this less about you and more about defibrillating this patient? Sexist! You assume I'm a nurse because I'm in a hospital and dressed like a nurse.
You're worse than the media.
Did you know I've been chased by bees? Now he's dead.
This is terrible! I know.
It's so triggering for me.
It reminds me of the Palestinians and how I've internalised their struggle.
Help! I've had a spike thrown through me! Me too! I was metaphorically spiked by a car driven by a swarm of bees.
- Who cares? - Oh, I see.
Rob me of my narrative.
Typical white patriarchal oppression! Argh! Is that a bee? Oh, that's lucky.
I've got something to tweet about Hey, everyone, it's me, The Rock.
Here to tell you about my great new show, Young Rock.
It's all about my life as a kid.
I had some big obstacles to overcome.
Take a look.
Young Rock, you have to choose between every single girl in the school to be your prom date.
- And every single boy.
- And all the teachers.
Whoa, that's a big obstacle.
But before I overcome it, let's have a sip of my Watermelon Whatamana Tequila.
It's delicious and a great income stream for me.
Hey! I was in that scene.
Where was I? Why'd you cut me out? - Sorry, Kevin Hart, but you tested badly.
- With who? - Well, with me.
- You can't just cut me! I don't wanna talk about it.
Uh, hey - Do I smell cheese? - Cheese? Got some cheese? Oh, baby, I love me some cheese! Where the cheese at? Where the cheese at? Just over there, little guy.
Young Rock, streaming now, with me and not Kevin Hart.
I hate you, you big dumb Rock! Yeah, well, you're the one who got caught in a mousetrap! Hi, I'm Mark Zuckerberg.
Facebook has got a lot of attention lately, and I'm here to explain away some of the really bad stuff you might have heard.
First, it is not true that our content moderation algorithm is arbitrary and ineffective.
In fact, we do not use AI to decide what gets blocked.
Watch this video recording of a content control committee meeting.
Facebook has also been accused of favouring one political party over another.
This video of our partisanship review board should put that rumour to rest.
My final point is this.
Facebook believes in transparency, which is why, from now on, I will be wearing this invisibility cloak.
See? Elle est riche, belle et mysterieuse.
C'est a dire jusqu'a ce qu'elle ouvre sa bouche.
What the fuck are you on about? Brassy.
The new fragrance by Adele.
I released a perfume! What am I like? 'There once was a brave little fellow 'who wanted to help everyone.
'But some nasty people got hold of him.
' Net?! - Wh-What's going on? - Sorry, old thing.
See, you've been spending an awful lot of cash lately, and now, well, there have to be cuts.
But the Prime Minister and I can't be the ones to do it.
Very unpopular to make cuts.
I'm afraid it has to be you, old chap.
So we've made a few modifications.
Back to work, Rishi Scissorhands! 'At first, everyone loved him.
' Look, I'm cutting red tape! 'And no-one seemed to mind 'that the red tape mountain had actually got bigger.
'But then everyone hated him.
' I'm sorry, kids.
I didn't want to cut your food! But my scissor hands did! Save our NHS! Save our NHS! Watch out for my hands! No, no, please! Please don't! 'The simple-minded townsfolk didn't realise 'that the cuts were for their own good.
'And in their ignorance, drove him out of town.
'But he wasn't unhappy for long.
'Because his wife loved him.
'And also, he was a billionaire.
' Finally, we open the tomb of the great Pharaoh Intef.
What treasures lie within? Oh, gosh! Only me.
Hello! What are you doing in a 4,000-year-old burial chamber? I'm Olivia Colman.
I'm in everything.
Hello! Ah! Oh.
I'm shut in again, am I? Gosh.
See you! Ha! Chancellor Merkel, after 16 years of calm, careful, sober leadership, are you planning to have a little fun in your retirement? Oh, yes.
I plan to continue with my interests in quantum chemistry, write a comprehensive multi-volume autobiography, und, of course, help manage the transition to ze new coalition.
Wonderful plans, Chancellor.
But first, I'm going to get super vasted! Techno, techno, techno! - Want some ket? - Ja! Hold me closer, tiny Chancellor Lovely leader, first fraulein Angela, you are our angel We will not forget you Nein.