Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s02e04 Episode Script

1 - - Well, this all looks good to me.
We're excited to get started on the work.
But before we do, just a couple of quick questions.
Lena, I think you've covered everything that matters, as well as a whole bunch of other things that don't matter.
- We're all set.
- You're all set.
I'm not all set.
I'd like to get a better picture of the man we'll be exposing our children to.
I will not expose myself to children.
How would you characterize your relationship with Yelp reviewer Maureen G.
, who wrote, "The work was strong, but not as strong as the whiff of misogyny Vlad brought into my home.
" End quote.
Maureen G.
I remember.
Like most women, she had nice legs and bad ideas.
You think most women have nice legs? That's your problem with what he said? - I mean - Misogyny! And more than a whiff.
Look, if you want the best, you hire Vlad.
So maybe I tell you you look nice a couple of times.
Maybe I don't.
I mean, I'm not a glasses guy, anyway.
Just so you know.
Enjoy your sideways house.
I know what you're doing.
And I'm not gonna let you sabotage the sale of this house by undermining every contractor who tries to work on it.
This is happening, Lena! And it's my week, so please leave.
This is a common space.
You have no power here.
Be gone.
Did you just Glinda me? Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel I just need - Someone to say everything's okay - Everything's okay - [MARTIN WHISTLING ALONG.]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR - [MARTIN CONTINUES WHISTLING.]
- Hey, Martin? Door's locked.
My keys are inside.
- [MARTIN CONTINUES WHISTLING.]
Okay.
Thanks for letting me know.
Martin, open the door.
It's not your week.
Okay.
You wanna go there? Do you want to go there?! Oh, I'm already here.
I see.
Yeah, you want to get nuts.
Alright, let's get nuts.
Let's go Wait, is that lunch for our children? - Yup.
Oh, well! - That is not nutritious.
- Guess the kids are having a cheat day.
- A cheat day? - A cheat day, yeah.
- You've got to be kidding.
That is not a cheat day.
That is brown-bag diabetes.
I no longer strive to reach your unreachable standards, okay? And just like Vlad the award-winning contractor that you drove away - I don't work for you.
- Big news, guys! - [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- - Why is Mom locked out? - Is she? Oh, Lena.
Why didn't you knock? Oh, look at that poor thing out there.
[LOCK CLICKS.]
Aww, thank you, sweetheart.
So, what's your big news? - I lost a tooth! - [LENA GASPS.]
Oh, my gosh.
Well, wait till you try your dad's lunch.
You're gonna lose all your teeth.
Can I show this to Ajay after school? I'm so sorry, sweetie.
Ajay gets out of school really late.
But, um, what about this weekend? I never get to see Ajay since he got into that stupid school for smart kids.
I know, but you'll always be best friends no matter what.
Or not.
Hey, you may find that you grow apart, get older, develop different interests.
Ajay goes his way to MIT.
You go your way to Chico State.
- Chico State?! - MARTIN: Mm-hmm.
And then one day, you run into each other on the street and you won't even remember each other's names.
Goodness gracious! Silly Daddy.
Don't listen to dumb silly Daddy.
"Dumb silly Daddy" is the only one who's gonna give it to you straight around here, kid.
So unless you want a load of sunshine blown up your Milo, why don't you go put that chomper under your pillow - so the Tooth Fairy can find it.
- Okay! I wonder how much she'll leave me! Not a penny, son.
Not a penny.
Because the Tooth Fairy isn't real.
- You shut your dirty mouth! - She's a lie, bro.
Fairies don't exist.
But money does.
Huh? - [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
- Whoa.
- Cash, cash, cash! - Cash, cash, cash! - Cash, cash! - Yeah.
What in the innocence-destroying hell are you doing? I'm done sheltering our kids from reality, trying to be the perfect phony baloney parent.
On my weeks, I am going back to parenting the way I want to.
- To punish me? - [SIGHS.]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Why? I'm Snapchatting Hazel.
"All these apples, and you still didn't pick me.
" Normally I'd make fun of him, but his peers will take care of that for me.
What's the end game here, bud? To make Hazel feel sorry for me so she'll take me back.
That won't work.
She's not taking you back.
Well, you know, who knows? - Maybe down the road, the two of you - That's not helpful.
Yes, it is! Down the road, we'll what, Mom? - Well, you could - Hey, hey, hey.
It's not your week.
[WHISTLES.]
[WHISTLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
Look Mace, you don't want Hazel to pity you - Yes, I do.
- No, you don't, okay? You want her to miss spending time with you.
How do I do that? By living your best life, man, you know? Like having a great time.
And then rubbing her face in it on social media! What's the most fun thing you can think of? - Kan Jam? - What? That lawn game that we used to play, that Mom banned? She banned it? She said it was like "putting two trash cans on the front lawn.
" In her defense, that is what it is.
Something Mom hates, huh? - That does sound fun.
- Let's go, man.
Oh, that was close.
That was close.
- What was that? - That was close.
Come on, you got this.
Hey, Mom.
Dad reinstated Kan Jam.
- Did he, now? - Oh, yes! I know you said it's a waste of time.
No, I said it was a waste basket.
And another waste basket.
That's literally what it is.
- Hey, Ms.
W.
- Hey.
Heard you, uh, weren't a big fan of the Kan.
Truth be told, Jules, I'm not.
We're all having fun.
I hope that's okay with you? Are you kidding?! You know me.
I never want the fun to end.
I do know you, and I never would have characterized - Oh, Lena, what are you doing?! We're in a drought! - [ALL YELLING.]
- Call my mom! - Turn it off! Anyway, I got him with the sprinkler but it wasn't gratifying because it was a warm day, so I think it actually cooled him off.
You can never let him get the upper hand.
Ever.
That's why I always give Arthur the smaller piece of meat, even if I'm not hungry.
And then if I can't finish, I throw it in the garbage.
Can I get you a glass of milk to wash that down? Hey! Don't call them "free samples" if they're gonna be laced with your judgment.
It no longer qualifies as a free "sample," Maya, if all the little muffin chunks that you ate add up to a whole muffin.
Uh, I'm pregnant, and I have cravings for free stuff.
I'm telling you, Martin is intentionally trying to upset me.
I've never seen him so vengeful.
- Well, you contractor-blocked him.
- Yeah, if it's really over, maybe just let him fix up the house, you know, and then sell it and move on.
Oh, don't be naive.
Martin doesn't want to move on.
He wants a war.
- [DOG PANTING.]
- And I'm about to stockpile my arsenal.
Are you a good boy? Oh, you are.
You are, aren't you? Is she about to weaponize that dog? Martin is super allergic.
We don't know that.
He claims he is, but it's never been tested.
That is some deeply sinister [BLEEP.]
right there.
LENA: Martin?! Hey, Martin.
Oh.
You did laundry.
That's very sweet.
Now I feel bad.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was this dry-clean only? - Cashmere! My cashmere! - Yeah.
Yeah.
I know how much you love this thing, but unfortunately I mishandled it, and now it's ruined.
- It's okay.
It's cute.
Mm-hmm.
- It's cute? - Think you can still wear it? - Oh, yeah.
Even though it's doll-sized? Won't be too small? Nopey dopey.
Okay.
Fun phrase.
- Yeah.
You know what else is fun? - Hmm? - [WHISTLES.]
- [DOG BARKS.]
- - [PANTING, GROWLING AND BARKING.]
His name's Dander.
- Oh.
- His name is Dander! - His name is Dander? - Dander.
I love you, Dander.
Wait, isn't Dad allergic to Dander? Who cares? What should be call him for short? Dander! You did this, Dander.
You caused this pain.
Sociopath.
- You're a sociopath.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
New look? Oh, you fool.
What have you done? Oh, you know I may have forgotten to put the water-softening pellets in the tank.
And now that I think about it, I may have accidentally replaced them with sodium hydroxide.
If your eyes weren't swollen shut, you'd be terrified of the look on my face right now.
- Well, I guess we're even, then.
- We are not even! You know what? You're right! You brought Dander into this house, and in doing so, you affected my health.
- I am having trouble breathing.
- As am I! This tiny cashmere sweater is compressing my lungs.
I, uh, heard things had gotten ugly between the two of you.
Quite ugly.
Okay, Dad Brought you something else to argue about.
Milo has asked to move in with me.
- What? - Yeah.
I told him if I was ever gonna shelter any one of your three kids, it would be Mason.
But that didn't seem to stop him from having his mail forwarded to my address.
He doesn't get mail.
He's 8.
It's an application to Wisley.
It's this school for gifted kids where his friend Ajay goes.
The only way Milo's getting into that school is through the service entrance.
- I can't believe he wants to move out.
- Listen.
Could you two please declare a truce? Before there's a house-wide mutiny? How many changes of underwear do I need for life? Three? Sweetie, we don't want you to move out.
We would all be so sad.
I mean, just think about how sad and lonely Mason would be.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- "All these laces, and you still trippin'.
" - [SIGHS.]
- He wouldn't even notice! He hasn't even noticed that your hair looks like it got caught in the garbage disposal.
And that that Dad's face looks like an STD.
Face it.
This family has grown apart.
We just want different things.
And what I want is to live with my grandpa and to go to the school for gifted kids.
Yeah, well, neither of those things are gonna happen, bud.
Because we just can't let you go.
We love you too much.
Besides, you don't really want to live with Grandpa.
The only thing he knows how to make is tuna.
- He likes tuna.
- Mind your business.
Sweetie, I know that your daddy and I - have been bickering a lot lately - Well, I wouldn't call it bickering - Quarreling.
- More like quibbling They can't even agree on what word to use to describe their fighting.
But that's over now.
We've buried the hatchet.
- We did? - Yes.
From now on, Mommy and Daddy are gonna play nice, and everything's gonna go back to normal, okay? What about the smart kids' school? - Well, I guess if you really want to go to Wisley - Lena.
we'll do what we can to help you try and get in.
- Deal? - Deal.
Let's start by taking my portrait.
- Do I look gifted in this? - MAE: Whoa! Dad's face looks like an STD.
And, Mom, your hair is Mae, take your brother downstairs and get him some gifted photos in front of the hearth.
I'm sorry, so we're all gonna pretend that Milo is your gifted child? I mean people.
Come on.
Okay, Mae, you can be gifted without being cocky.
How would you know? Mm.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Let me just grab my writing feather.
- - [SIGHS.]
It's called a quill.
Mason, your father and I need to have a chat in private.
This is my room! Fine.
I know what you're gonna say and I agree.
You don't know what I'm gonna say.
"We can't let him do this, blah, blah, blah.
" And you're right! He'll be crushed when he doesn't get in, and he's just too young to face that kind of rejection.
That's not what I was gonna say.
I think we should let him try.
What's the worst that could happen? What, he fails? It's good practice for the rest of his life.
These kids are gonna fail constantly.
- But - They don't know how to deal with loss.
Look at Mason.
I mean, how long ago did Hazel dump him? - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- "All this repellant, and you still buggin'.
" Okay, that is not the same thing.
We both know Milo doesn't have a shot.
I mean, this school is impossible to get into.
He would need tutoring, and even then, - he probably still wouldn't get in.
- Is Milo that dumb? - Yes.
- Yes.
- No.
- No.
Just academically, it would be a stretch.
And I am not interested in crushing our 8-year-old's spirit.
Well, then why did you tell him you were gonna help him get in, hmm? What is it with you, Lena? What, you just tell people what they wanna hear even if you don't mean it? Did you mean it when you said Hazel and I still might have a chance? - Sure I did.
- Get out.
- Hey.
- Please? Hurry up.
You just missed me looking gifted! I find that hard to believe.
Is this too parse? Sparse.
- - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
Did you get it? Get what? - Yeah, you got this - La-la, la-la La-la-la, la-la-la We can't agree on anything anymore including how to parent the kids.
Milo wants to move out, Mason is clingy and desperate, - and Mae - Mae.
[CHUCKLES.]
Mae is your Maya.
- Dad! - I'm just saying.
She's going to require more.
And she'll never marry.
But there is still a joy to be had from her.
Geez, Dad.
My whole point is that the kids are gonna be fine.
Right now, you're the one I'm worried about.
'Cause if you fall apart, so does everything else.
I'm not falling apart Then why are you still wearing that ridiculous sweater? All of this is Martin's fault.
He is provoking me, all because I don't want to sell the house.
You don't wanna get back together, but you don't wanna be apart.
What do you want? I want things to be like they were before we slept together.
Well, I have no idea if that's even possible.
But if you want a fighting chance We have to stop fighting.
All right.
Weightlessness, no gravity Were we somewhere in between? [SCOFFS.]
What are you doing here? Martin, I don't want to fight with you.
I mean, we've made it this far without turning our house into a war zone.
Can't we just hold our fire? Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh If you want to hire Vlad the contractor, we'll hire Vlad the contractor.
Is this another example of you just telling me what I wanna hear? I'll call the guy and apologize.
He can start Monday.
And I won't wear my glasses.
So you're agreeing to sell the house? No, I'm agreeing to fix the house.
The rest we'll figure out when we get there? - I can live with that.
- Well, you don't have to.
That's what the garage is for, right? [CHUCKLES.]
Right.
I'm a ghost to you, you're a ghost to me - A birds-eye view of San Luis - And, you know, I'm not trying to be dishonest about my feelings.
I just like to try and cushion the blow.
I don't like to see our kids get hurt.
I don't like to see you get hurt either.
Yeah, well, sometimes people get hurt.
Sometimes they need to get hurt.
And it's not always your job to be the cushion, right? Right.
The good news is, we may not have to cushion anything.
I mean, what if we're wrong? What if Milo's the kind of smart that normal people like us just can't detect? Yeah.
I mean, Einstein's parents probably didn't know - what they had on their hands either.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You know, weird-looking kid with crazy hair.
Who knew? Yeah.
Maybe we're doing all this worrying for nothing.
Yeah.
LENA: What is he wearing? MARTIN: What is he doing? Well, he has a system.
It's just outside the box.
- I think they want inside the box.
- - Hey! How did it go? - I think I did amazing.
Extremely excellent, I should say.
- Good for you.
- We love your confidence.
Hey, look.
It's Ajay.
Ajay! Over here.
Hello, Milo.
Martin, Lena, you're both looking well.
- Why, thank you, Ajay.
- Oh.
Thank you.
Milo, would you like me to take you on a tour of the school while your parents await word from our dean? Is there a bathroom I could tour? I need to go number two, or as they say in Roman numerals, line line.
- Did you teach him that? - No.
That's amazing.
He might still get in.
Yeah, it's a no.
I hate this school.
Me, too.
How'd it go? - Well - Well Really well.
- You got in? - They didn't say I didn't.
Okay, buddy.
Here's the deal.
They did say you didn't.
That's what I said.
No.
No, no, no.
I think I think you're confusing "did" and "didn't.
" They said you didn't.
But they didn't say I did.
- That's correct.
- Yes.
Got another one right.
Milo, sweetie.
They don't want you.
What?! Did they see my pictures? They did, buddy.
They saw me measuring a banana? Yeah.
Even that didn't do it.
Oh.
I guess I'm not gifted.
Well, hold on.
Hold on.
You didn't let me finish.
You didn't get into Wisley because that school is on Earth.
Your test scores showed that you are out of this world, which is why you're getting a full scholarship - to space school! - Shut your beautiful mouth! I will not! Because it's true, baby! You're going to space.
Hear that, Mae? I'm gonna be blasting off! In your face! - When do I leave? - 2061! Guess I'd better pack! He really is that dumb.
- [EXHALES SLOWLY.]
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
So I guess you changed your mind about the kids needing rejection? Yeah, well, I-I said it wasn't your job to always be the cushion.
So today was my day.
Hmm.
Alternating cushions.
Like a dirty couch.
I like that.
[CHUCKLES.]
You like that? No, I don't like that.
But I prefer not fighting.
Yeah.
Me, too.
And, listen, I'm I'm sorry I made your throat close up.
Yeah, um I'm sorry about making your hair fall out.
My hair didn't fall out.
Yeah It will.
[DOG WHINES.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]