Squidbillies (2005) s02e04 Episode Script
Swayze Crazy
% Girl, you're just like an angel % % When l lift you up so high % % Over my head % % And when we practice in the water % % l can't quench my desire % % No matter how wet we get % - My turn.
- Hell, no.
- Man, let me drive that thing.
Come on! - Do not touch the trim! Do it.
Just go ahead and do it.
Yeah, come on.
Let's do it.
- Do what? - lt! What you come to do.
l Wait a minute.
What's that you sayin'? - What's what? - You calling me a fool now? ls that it? l didn't say We're gonna have to shake the monkey one time on this son of a bitch.
Let's go.
- l don't think l said anything - l just did.
Down, boy.
You better convince them eyelids to get them eyes shut or they about to get swelled.
Are you trying to cut me now? l got a witness.
lt is on like Saigon! - He just killed my daddy.
- Son of a bitch.
Coming up here on my property, trying to big-boy Early Cuyler.
''Baptist revival tomorrow night.
Free juice.
'' Free ju-- Where the hell did you get that? Howdy, y'all.
Guess who l just apprehended in town.
A dozen of my mama's gingerbread men shaped just like yours truly.
They're good! Whup his ass.
Look at that, boy.
Look at what? l don't know.
Look at this, right there! Damn, they would have to fall frosting down.
Oh, Lord, l'm sorry, Sheriff.
That was an accident.
Accident? Boy! l mean accident time on you.
You fall on my fist, your face hurt.
Accident to you, boy.
That's what l'm talkin' about.
Hell, yeah! Come on, now.
Turn it on, son.
Turn it on.
Turn it on, son.
Turn it on.
No, no, it's already on.
OK, you got to tell him it's on.
lt is on, boy.
Follow with a simile.
Come on.
lt's on like Like What's it on like? Preferably a rhyme.
lt's on like, like Michelle Kwan.
Oh, son.
l'll do a triple-axle lutz on your zambonied ice.
Just, just stop, son.
Rusty, it's on like red dawn or Charles Bronson.
Or hell, l'd even have accepted the movie Tron.
But Michelle Kwan? Please! She made sacrifices to get where she is.
Damn it! How many times have we watched Road House this weekend? How many times, Rusty? How damn many? Four? Damn, that's a lot.
We love the hell out of that movie film.
But why, son? Why? 'Cause Patrick Swayze lives his life like a real man.
Asses is kicked, names is taken, love is made.
Then commercial.
You all know he's starting a film festival up here, don't you? Just like Sundance, only this is called Dirtydance.
Why wouldn't he just call it Road House? Well, you can ask him yourself.
He's down at my office.
The Patrick Swayze? From the moving picture from the television Road House? - ln the flesh? - The one and same.
Yeah, that's right.
l'm Patrick Swayze.
Damn, boy.
He's smaller in real life.
Russell Jesse James! Hey, it's all right.
My legs ran away to Hollywood to star in Next Of Kin ll.
Go ahead.
Tell them what you're working on.
Yeah, Patrick.
What's your latest project? You see this soffit over this vent pipe? l'm changing it into a sunrise.
OK, but we are going to put the bars back in here, right? Hey, old man, l thought l told you it's my way or the highway.
Daddy, this old boy don't seem like Swayze to me.
Oh, yeah? Hey, you remember in Road House when l bought that crappy car and bought some extra tires, 'cause l knew someone was gonna cut my tires outside the Double Deuce.
Sure enough, that happened.
And l changed the tires, and l drove away.
Remember that? - Yeah.
- That was me.
Oh, my God Almighty! lt is him! Patrick Swayze, it is an honor to meet you.
Patrick, l know you must get this all the time but if it wouldn't be too much trouble to you would you please drop a double-deuce ass whuppin' on my boy? Well, of course.
l'd be delighted.
Hold his arms for me.
- Daddy, this ain't right.
- Take your movie whupping like a man.
% Oh, my dear % % My lovely % % l hunger for those % % Fries % % Those crazy Road House % l hate to cut you off, and l love your backdrop, don't get me wrong.
lt's very evocative of the period.
But it does lack a certain bricks and mortar quality.
l'm from Texas.
l ride horses.
Yeah, l know that, but these guys here see, they rape horses for a living.
So that's kind of the reason we had to keep a close rein l'm the cooler.
You're the bouncer.
And you've mentioned that.
You have, a lot, but Hey, old man, it's my highway or it's that way.
My way.
Let's take it outside.
% l'm from Texas % Are you guys are not gonna? Life.
lt's so absurd.
We got an 875-51-50 in progress.
Request backup.
Over.
Over? Oh, hot damn.
Come in, mama.
Our table at the steakhouse is ready.
Come back.
Patrick's just gonna be with us a couple of days till he gets his bouncer's license back.
What's that? Patrick Swayze? Oh, l'm sleeping with him.
Where is he? That ain't Patrick Swayze.
He is if l have enough cold beers.
Y'all shut your damn tooth hole.
l think he's making a movie about us right now.
Y'all have a shower? l'm remaking Point Break, and l gotta practice being wet.
l need to speak with you for a second, privately.
Son, there ain't no privacy when you're Patrick Swayze.
He's been in Road House numertous times.
Hell, he was on Road House in my house for five times on the television set today.
Well, this here ain't Patrick Swayze.
Hey, what can be said to me can be said to Patrick.
l told you, it ain't Patrick Swayze.
l'm confused.
What are you sayin'? lt ain't Dalton, it ain't the famous Cooler, it ain't none of 'em.
Daddy, that ain't Patrick Swayze at all.
Hey, let's tell Patrick this.
- He'll get a kick out of it.
- lt ain't Patrick Swayze! We all know that, son.
l'm Bodhi philosophical bank-robbing surfman.
Call him Bodhi.
That helps him get into character.
OK, this is a love scene right now.
So l'm going to need to have more sex with your aging stunt hooker.
Certainly, Bodhi.
Here's your Nixon mask.
You're gonna need it for the old one.
Daddy, how long has he got to stay here? Who knows? l'm like the wind.
So maybe like, what, four months? ls that cool? Yeah, that's fine.
But no anal.
Granny, get your saggy ass inside.
l'm gonna have to have another cold beer.
Look who l found in town.
Patrick, this fella's running around telling everybody he's you.
And he's got your wallet and your moves.
And he's got your wife and your DNA, actually.
And this Screen Actor's Guild card that says Patrick Swayze right there.
And he's got this poster and he can do this pose, just like on the poster.
Go ahead, show 'em.
And he's got these head shots that say Patrick Swayze, movie actor.
Yep.
The swagger's back.
l'm sorry you had to see that but it is awesome that l was able to kill him in front of you.
l think you just killed the real Patrick Swayze.
- A Patrick Swayze look-alike? - Yeah, if you're blind! Like the guy who played guitar in my movie Road House.
Come on, Patrick Swayze, come back.
Come back as Ghost.
No.
There can be only one.
Well, that solves another mystery, by God.
l've ordered some 'za.
My character in my next film eats pizza.
Uh, for Swayze, Patrick? Yeah, over here, chief.
That's me.
lt's 14.
72.
My character doesn't really have a wallet, doesn't believe in it.
A wallet killed his wife.
Hey, is that Patrick Swayze? - Excuse me? - Oh, hell, it's on.
Did you just use my name without permission? You just pressed the button that makes me go off.
What did l? l pressed the what? You! Destroy him.
- Look at that, boy.
- There you go.
lt's 14.
72.
What you doin'? You spittin' numerologies at me? Like this is a damn math class or something? Now, say it to my face.
Oh, he said them numbers again.
ls it on, or is it off? lt's on, it's on.
lt's on like - Come on, son.
- lt's on like Rhyme and simile.
You can do this.
lt is on like Simon Le Bon.
Hell, we'll take it.
Go on, whup his ass, son.
lf this is about the Wild Boy Bread promotion or the Cheesy Balls you get it free with the large and a coupon.
But this is a medium, and you'd have to call the manager if you have a problem or whatever with it.
lt's a free-for-all, baby! Hey, Sheriff! You want a piece of this? l'm fine.
Come on, Patrick.
Get you some of this moody ass whuppin' here.
- Patrick! Where you goin'? - Free car, asshole! % You're givin' me % See you tonight on the Road House.
% l take a sip, and l can't deny % % l got thirsty eyes % % l'm gonna use my eyes % % To look into your eyes, girl % % Now you're makin' me cry % % l look away to hide those thirsty eyes of mine % BloodLogic
- Hell, no.
- Man, let me drive that thing.
Come on! - Do not touch the trim! Do it.
Just go ahead and do it.
Yeah, come on.
Let's do it.
- Do what? - lt! What you come to do.
l Wait a minute.
What's that you sayin'? - What's what? - You calling me a fool now? ls that it? l didn't say We're gonna have to shake the monkey one time on this son of a bitch.
Let's go.
- l don't think l said anything - l just did.
Down, boy.
You better convince them eyelids to get them eyes shut or they about to get swelled.
Are you trying to cut me now? l got a witness.
lt is on like Saigon! - He just killed my daddy.
- Son of a bitch.
Coming up here on my property, trying to big-boy Early Cuyler.
''Baptist revival tomorrow night.
Free juice.
'' Free ju-- Where the hell did you get that? Howdy, y'all.
Guess who l just apprehended in town.
A dozen of my mama's gingerbread men shaped just like yours truly.
They're good! Whup his ass.
Look at that, boy.
Look at what? l don't know.
Look at this, right there! Damn, they would have to fall frosting down.
Oh, Lord, l'm sorry, Sheriff.
That was an accident.
Accident? Boy! l mean accident time on you.
You fall on my fist, your face hurt.
Accident to you, boy.
That's what l'm talkin' about.
Hell, yeah! Come on, now.
Turn it on, son.
Turn it on.
Turn it on, son.
Turn it on.
No, no, it's already on.
OK, you got to tell him it's on.
lt is on, boy.
Follow with a simile.
Come on.
lt's on like Like What's it on like? Preferably a rhyme.
lt's on like, like Michelle Kwan.
Oh, son.
l'll do a triple-axle lutz on your zambonied ice.
Just, just stop, son.
Rusty, it's on like red dawn or Charles Bronson.
Or hell, l'd even have accepted the movie Tron.
But Michelle Kwan? Please! She made sacrifices to get where she is.
Damn it! How many times have we watched Road House this weekend? How many times, Rusty? How damn many? Four? Damn, that's a lot.
We love the hell out of that movie film.
But why, son? Why? 'Cause Patrick Swayze lives his life like a real man.
Asses is kicked, names is taken, love is made.
Then commercial.
You all know he's starting a film festival up here, don't you? Just like Sundance, only this is called Dirtydance.
Why wouldn't he just call it Road House? Well, you can ask him yourself.
He's down at my office.
The Patrick Swayze? From the moving picture from the television Road House? - ln the flesh? - The one and same.
Yeah, that's right.
l'm Patrick Swayze.
Damn, boy.
He's smaller in real life.
Russell Jesse James! Hey, it's all right.
My legs ran away to Hollywood to star in Next Of Kin ll.
Go ahead.
Tell them what you're working on.
Yeah, Patrick.
What's your latest project? You see this soffit over this vent pipe? l'm changing it into a sunrise.
OK, but we are going to put the bars back in here, right? Hey, old man, l thought l told you it's my way or the highway.
Daddy, this old boy don't seem like Swayze to me.
Oh, yeah? Hey, you remember in Road House when l bought that crappy car and bought some extra tires, 'cause l knew someone was gonna cut my tires outside the Double Deuce.
Sure enough, that happened.
And l changed the tires, and l drove away.
Remember that? - Yeah.
- That was me.
Oh, my God Almighty! lt is him! Patrick Swayze, it is an honor to meet you.
Patrick, l know you must get this all the time but if it wouldn't be too much trouble to you would you please drop a double-deuce ass whuppin' on my boy? Well, of course.
l'd be delighted.
Hold his arms for me.
- Daddy, this ain't right.
- Take your movie whupping like a man.
% Oh, my dear % % My lovely % % l hunger for those % % Fries % % Those crazy Road House % l hate to cut you off, and l love your backdrop, don't get me wrong.
lt's very evocative of the period.
But it does lack a certain bricks and mortar quality.
l'm from Texas.
l ride horses.
Yeah, l know that, but these guys here see, they rape horses for a living.
So that's kind of the reason we had to keep a close rein l'm the cooler.
You're the bouncer.
And you've mentioned that.
You have, a lot, but Hey, old man, it's my highway or it's that way.
My way.
Let's take it outside.
% l'm from Texas % Are you guys are not gonna? Life.
lt's so absurd.
We got an 875-51-50 in progress.
Request backup.
Over.
Over? Oh, hot damn.
Come in, mama.
Our table at the steakhouse is ready.
Come back.
Patrick's just gonna be with us a couple of days till he gets his bouncer's license back.
What's that? Patrick Swayze? Oh, l'm sleeping with him.
Where is he? That ain't Patrick Swayze.
He is if l have enough cold beers.
Y'all shut your damn tooth hole.
l think he's making a movie about us right now.
Y'all have a shower? l'm remaking Point Break, and l gotta practice being wet.
l need to speak with you for a second, privately.
Son, there ain't no privacy when you're Patrick Swayze.
He's been in Road House numertous times.
Hell, he was on Road House in my house for five times on the television set today.
Well, this here ain't Patrick Swayze.
Hey, what can be said to me can be said to Patrick.
l told you, it ain't Patrick Swayze.
l'm confused.
What are you sayin'? lt ain't Dalton, it ain't the famous Cooler, it ain't none of 'em.
Daddy, that ain't Patrick Swayze at all.
Hey, let's tell Patrick this.
- He'll get a kick out of it.
- lt ain't Patrick Swayze! We all know that, son.
l'm Bodhi philosophical bank-robbing surfman.
Call him Bodhi.
That helps him get into character.
OK, this is a love scene right now.
So l'm going to need to have more sex with your aging stunt hooker.
Certainly, Bodhi.
Here's your Nixon mask.
You're gonna need it for the old one.
Daddy, how long has he got to stay here? Who knows? l'm like the wind.
So maybe like, what, four months? ls that cool? Yeah, that's fine.
But no anal.
Granny, get your saggy ass inside.
l'm gonna have to have another cold beer.
Look who l found in town.
Patrick, this fella's running around telling everybody he's you.
And he's got your wallet and your moves.
And he's got your wife and your DNA, actually.
And this Screen Actor's Guild card that says Patrick Swayze right there.
And he's got this poster and he can do this pose, just like on the poster.
Go ahead, show 'em.
And he's got these head shots that say Patrick Swayze, movie actor.
Yep.
The swagger's back.
l'm sorry you had to see that but it is awesome that l was able to kill him in front of you.
l think you just killed the real Patrick Swayze.
- A Patrick Swayze look-alike? - Yeah, if you're blind! Like the guy who played guitar in my movie Road House.
Come on, Patrick Swayze, come back.
Come back as Ghost.
No.
There can be only one.
Well, that solves another mystery, by God.
l've ordered some 'za.
My character in my next film eats pizza.
Uh, for Swayze, Patrick? Yeah, over here, chief.
That's me.
lt's 14.
72.
My character doesn't really have a wallet, doesn't believe in it.
A wallet killed his wife.
Hey, is that Patrick Swayze? - Excuse me? - Oh, hell, it's on.
Did you just use my name without permission? You just pressed the button that makes me go off.
What did l? l pressed the what? You! Destroy him.
- Look at that, boy.
- There you go.
lt's 14.
72.
What you doin'? You spittin' numerologies at me? Like this is a damn math class or something? Now, say it to my face.
Oh, he said them numbers again.
ls it on, or is it off? lt's on, it's on.
lt's on like - Come on, son.
- lt's on like Rhyme and simile.
You can do this.
lt is on like Simon Le Bon.
Hell, we'll take it.
Go on, whup his ass, son.
lf this is about the Wild Boy Bread promotion or the Cheesy Balls you get it free with the large and a coupon.
But this is a medium, and you'd have to call the manager if you have a problem or whatever with it.
lt's a free-for-all, baby! Hey, Sheriff! You want a piece of this? l'm fine.
Come on, Patrick.
Get you some of this moody ass whuppin' here.
- Patrick! Where you goin'? - Free car, asshole! % You're givin' me % See you tonight on the Road House.
% l take a sip, and l can't deny % % l got thirsty eyes % % l'm gonna use my eyes % % To look into your eyes, girl % % Now you're makin' me cry % % l look away to hide those thirsty eyes of mine % BloodLogic