Squinters (2018) s02e04 Episode Script
Thunder Roar
1 (COUGHS) It's probably the asbestos people were saying they found at work.
I don't know how much time I have left.
I think your dad was having a cheeky crack at my mum.
Oh, my God.
Are you gay? No.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
Can I ask you a question? - I'm not gay.
- OK.
The doctor thinks I'd be a poor IVF candidate.
And I'm infertile.
Well, my staff hates me, my husband's cheating on me, but I do have a great driver and I happen to have an amazing bolognaise sauce at my house that he's welcome to sample if he'd like.
This couldn't come at a worse financial time.
How many thousands of dollars do I have to spend at the vet retrieving things from your lower colon? It's disgusting.
Who eats a whole bauble? A whole bauble? Tinsel, what's nice about tinsel? If we cut you open, you'd be like a bloody It'd be like a discotheque inside your bloody stomach.
What a disgusting scene that is.
God, how many weird things can you eat? My car keys, gone.
Bag of marbles, gone.
All of Daddy's Lego men, gone.
Remember the next day I looked out in the bloody back garden, there's little poos everywhere with like little It was like Pompeii.
There were like little Lego men half submerged, just like dying in stasis, embedded inside your turds.
You little shitbag.
Love you, though.
Love you.
SONG; Let's go! What you waitin' for? Your prayers are already answered Do you really want it? Ain't got no time to waste - Let's go - Green light Step on the gas, don't let no-one past Put some pep in your step Follow me this way Red light, green light Red light, green light Red light, green light, go! Do you wanna go, go, go? I'm-a, I'm-a run this show Red light Do you wanna go? Green light - Do you wanna? - Do you wanna go? I'm the one who's supposed to be experimenting with sex and relationships, not my parents! Yeah.
I mean, I just don't even understand swinging, right? It's like taking the most fun bit out of having an affair, the lying! Here I was prepared to comfort my mum after my dad made out with your mum, but then my mum goes and puts her hand on your dad's knee.
It's like out of control.
You know what the most disgusting bit about it is? Is that it's not even love, right? They just see each other as these like sex objects.
It's not even cute.
Speaking of, Guy told me he loves me.
Did you say it back? - It was too awkward not to.
- (LAUGHS) Ew.
What, you thinking about Guy's stank? CEO just sent me an email with a different idea on the promotional video we've already signed off on.
Why does the CEO send you emails? Because I'm acting marketing director.
Oh, yeah.
You're important.
I always forget that because of your eczema.
She wants to refer to the employees as the "K2 crew.
" Gross! - I think that's great.
- Oh.
It's cool.
We are a crew, man.
Hey, I've been resenting you quite a bit lately.
- What? - Yeah.
Because you've got this amazing job, and, you know, you're so in love with this stinky guy you're not caring about anything.
OK, that's enough.
I'm the only one allowed to make fun of Guy's stank.
No, you've found happiness and I haven't.
That's how it works.
I'm allowed to make fun of you and whatever person makes you happy.
You have a dark heart, Talia.
Oh, you know what's going to really suit you? Is one of those oxygen masks, and those tanks that you wheel around when the asbestos gets to you.
It would suit me.
It'd give me high status because I'd be sick.
I'd get a better car spot at work.
Men would stop interrupting me at meetings and dad would be so grief stricken he wouldn't be able to maintain an erection while fucking your mum.
You've hardly said a word in 24 hours.
Don't worry, babe.
It's nothing to do with you.
Well, just don't infect the car with your bad attitude.
If we've got any chance of attracting a baby into our lives, we need to keep it light.
Attracting a baby into our lives? You make it sound like we're trying to trap a beaver.
What's your problem? You know that carrot cake you lovingly baked for me? - I did bake it lovingly.
- Yeah.
Well, I took a slice of it into work yesterday, ate it.
Beautiful.
Thank you.
Then when I returned to my desk, look what I found Blu-Tacked to my chalkboard.
It's a photograph of a dick quietly resting on the piece of cake I just ate.
(LAUGHS) I can see what it is.
Talk about having your cock and eating it too.
- Ha-ha.
- I feel sick.
Although it's disgusting, you're not going to catch anything.
I mean, I never have.
When I find out whose dick it was, I'm gonna rip their dick off and shove it down their throat so far they'll be drowning in dick.
I'm going to look even harder at the urinals and whoever owns this dick Oh, that's Johnno's from Maintenance.
What? I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
Maybe you should examine why you've got so much anger.
Maybe it's all this baby stuff.
God.
I never thought I'd be that guy.
Well, would it make you a little less angry if I told you I finally found someone to donate her eggs? - Bullshit.
- No bullshit.
- Babe, that's great! - Mm-hm.
What's she like? Tall, funny, brunette.
OK.
Cool.
Quick question.
Would I bang her? That's offensive and irrelevant.
I agree it's slightly offensive, but it's not irrelevant.
I need to know whether I'd bang her, otherwise we're screwing with the laws of nature.
It's totally offensive and completely irrelevant because we're not even using your sperm.
OK, I'll rephrase the question.
- Would Gavin bang her? - Undoubtedly, yes.
OK.
So it literally could be anyone.
So did you bring me back a present? What? Sorry, that was just a light-hearted riff on Like whenever my mum used to go away, she'd always bring us back a present.
But you're not my mum, and now I fully regret bringing it up.
I think I'm just acting weird because of what happened before you left.
Why? What happened before I left? You know, with us.
What are you talking about? I have no idea.
- The kiss.
- The kiss? - Yeah.
- What kiss? Our our kiss.
Our kiss? Yeah.
- Where, in the car? - In the car, yeah.
Brett, you shouldn't be kissing people in the car.
This is a work car .
.
not a kiss car.
We were into it.
- We were? - Yeah.
And then, like, in your house for 45 minutes at least.
- 45 minutes? - Yeah.
Gross.
- Was there petting? - Petting? - Heavy petting? Light petting? - Oh, right.
Um Medium, I guess.
Ah, medium petting, yeah.
I I do remember.
Good, 'cause for a minute there, I thought you'd gone to New York to clear your mind, because you'd fallen in love with me.
Uh-huh.
Well, I was summoned by the managing director, who's upset with me for telling the staff about asbestos.
Well, you had to.
We could all die.
Yeah, well, he couldn't even tell me on the phone.
Face-to-face had to yell at me.
So, did you see your husband? - Yes.
- How was he? I hired a private detective to follow him.
Isn't isn't that a bit hypocritical after what happened with us before you left? OK, let's do the math.
Alright? In Australia we say "maths".
In his column there's multiple affairs.
My column contains a driver who got overly excited about my spaghetti bolognaise and tried to kiss me.
Well, you kissed me right back.
Ah! - Sorry.
- It's alright.
Shit.
Wow.
Sorry.
I always touch the most hurtful place.
I should have just Sorry.
You OK? Yeah.
- Sorry.
- Oh, jeez.
(COUGHS LOUDLY) Are you alright? Oh, not bad for someone who's most likely got asbestos poisoning.
(WEARY SIGH) - (HONKS HORN) - Oh! How's the band? What are you called again, the Three Busketeers? No, we changed our name to Linguini Anonymous.
Oh, I liked the Three Busketeers.
Course you did, that's why we changed our name, because we were bringing in the wrong crowd.
What does Linguini Anonymous even mean? Has it got something to do with pasta, or just being too literal? Mum, I could tell you, but you'd still be ignorant.
Excuse me! I'm dating an Aborigine, Mia.
Which is about as un-ignorant as you get.
Stop saying Aborigine, and un-ignorant isn't a word.
According to the 'Am I Racist?' quizzes I've been doing online, I'm less ignorant than I was last week.
I'm now just a casual racist.
Last week I was 'institutionalised', week before that, 'grand wizard'.
By this time next week I intend to be 'fully woke'.
Maybe you should call Gary, tell him about your progress and apologise.
- You think so? - Yeah.
(PHONE RINGS) GARY: Look, Bridge, unless you're going to apologise - I am.
I'm sorry.
- For? Being an entitled white person.
- Being an entitled right person.
- White, white, white White! Entitled white person.
Why are you entitled white person, Bridget? Um Do you accept the existence of structural racism? Yes.
Of course.
Do you even have to ask? What IS structural racism, Bridget? A system in which public policies and cultural norms reinforce racial inequality.
A system in which the public promises cultural wars and forces Rachel into economy.
Oh, great.
So, did I pass the test? No, but Mia got 100%.
- Hi, Mia.
- Hi, Gary.
Sorry about my racist Mum.
Bridget, call back when you've done some proper reading.
- (HANGS UP) - Proper reading! I've done lots of reading, thank you very much.
I'm a great reader.
So what was the last book that you read? Captain Corelli's Mandarin.
Is Barney OK? I don't know, like, there was some tinsel in his stool, but the bauble's like fully lodged up in his lower colon.
- Yuck! - I know, it's yuck.
How are things going with that guy from the warehouse? Oh, Lacey.
It's gone.
- What happened? - Wasn't gay.
How many times did you guys have sex? Five.
I'm so sorry.
So did you want to keep talking about your boyfriend who's not gay or can we move on to mum's will? I think I'd rather talk about mum's will.
Great.
So the lawyer reckons that we have to prove that mum was insane when she made Alison the executor of her will.
The ex the executor? It's the exec-utor of the will.
Oh, no, that's a business term.
It's definitely executor.
- The executor of the will? - Yeah.
The exec exec-utor executor.
OK, I guess like, well, you execute the document.
- Exactly.
- Yeah, right, OK.
- Gotcha.
Gotcha.
- Yeah.
OK, what if I imply to Alison that it wouldn't be in her best interest to cross us? What are you talking about? I'll shake her down a little bit, like a warehouseman.
Oh, piss off, Lukas.
You couldn't shake down a doona.
Hey, I'm a warehouse man now.
A warehouseman.
People are afraid of warehousemen.
I hang around other men.
I can be a little bit, "Hey!" You know? High vis, all jizz.
- You're going to jizz on Alison? - No! I'm saying Doesn't matter, just Right, well, I think that definitely won't work.
I could Columbo it.
I'll Columbo it.
What does that mean? I'll Columbo it.
Kind of like, "Hey!" Remember Columbo? - We watched it when we were kids.
- Don't remember.
Peter Falk, the bloody private detective with the He'd wear the trench coat and be like, "Hey! Bah! Well!" He'd go, "One more thing.
" He had the bung eye.
"Hey! One more thing.
"I'll just It probably doesn't matter, but, ah, one more thing.
" And then just wander away and come back and he'd solved the crime.
Right.
I don't think that's gonna work.
Can't believe you wouldn't know Columbo.
Yeah, I don't remember it.
Fine.
You don't remember Columbo.
Let's let's just not talk for five minutes.
And by the way it's exec-utor.
RADIO: It's 9am and all lanes have reopened on the M5.
Meanwhile, scientists have found 15,000 types of genetic material at Central Station.
If any of it's yours, it can be collected from lost and found.
A new study out today is saying women are more attracted to men who are depressed.
I'd be rapt with that news if I wasn't so depressed.
So, do you want to take the M4, which'll be chockers, or the M5 which will take longer, but have less traffic? Whatever.
I only understand 25% of what you say.
So my private detective called to say that my husband also hired a private detective.
But he's the one cheating.
Well, cheaters are always paranoid, so Especially when their wives are also cheating.
(SIGHS) Please don't go over the meaningless kiss again with the medium petting.
(EXHALES) 3am in New York.
Oh, man.
Years of hard work and strategic side boob all for nothing because I opened my big mouth about the asbestos.
God, my career is over.
You did the right thing.
Your staff will thank you for it.
Thankyous don't lift share prices, but If I didn't think we'd have sex I'd ask you for a drink.
You think I'd have sex with you, just like that? Brett, given the opportunity, would you have sex with me? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You must have Australia's most expensive arsehole.
The amount of money I have ploughed into your arsehole, $3,200, and it's still lodged in your bowel.
I can't keep doing this.
I mean, I've got my issues.
I'm not bloody burdening you with my problems, am I? You don't care, do ya? I mean, I could be dying.
This is it.
This could be it for me.
I could be dying of asbestos poisoning.
Ab asp absbestos.
Abspestos aspbest asbestos.
Abspestos.
Ad I could be die I am dying of something I can't even pronounce! Oi, Lukas! That's Lacey.
Lacey.
It's Lacey.
Remember Lacey? Remember racy Lacey? Racy Lacey.
Jeez, he's looking good, isn't he? God, he's so hot.
Bloody hot, confused, racially ambiguous, blue-collar fuck machine Lacey.
I really shouldn't go back there, but my God did you see his Bintang singlet? Makes his pecs pop.
I can't do it, though.
I don't want to be manipulated like a flesh puppet.
Tell you what, though, if Daddy is dying, though, that could be like a last, you know, a farewell.
Oh, Barn.
Should I, Barn? Should we do this? Barney, what do you reckon? I mean, Barney, if this is gonna happen, you've just got to give me a look.
Please, Barney, just give me the nod.
- So, we doing this? - Woof! We're doing this? Barney, we're doing this.
We're off for some racy Lacey! (COUGHS) Isn't that for asthma? I don't know, I found it on someone's desk.
I thought, maybe as a precaution.
Well, can you puff more quietly? I'm trying to write a severance letter to Catfish? Catfish is the bass player, right? No, that's Hard Wang.
Catfish is the drummer.
- Who's on guitar? - Geoff! Fuck, Mum.
Do you listen to anything I say? It's hard to listen when you're dying.
(COUGHS) - Can I run this by you? - Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT) "Dear Catfish, you've been a great drummer.
"Well, a good one.
"We will miss your easy wit "and your ability to carry heavy objects.
"If I could leave you with some passing wisdom, it would be this.
"Try and learn to breathe through your nose.
"Mouth breathing is creepy.
"Your sincerely, Linguini Anonymous.
" - What do you think? - It's great.
I just hope I'll be around to see you on Rage.
Why wouldn't you be? We'll be rich.
We'll get babysitters, maybe some books on overcoming structural and systemic racism.
We'll see.
Depends on how this asbestos thing works out.
- (COUGHS) - Mum.
If you're really worried, just get tested.
Last time I got tested I found out I was pregnant.
Plus, the asbestos is working in my favour.
How? Well, at the moment, Gary thinks I'm a racist who's dying.
If you take away the asbestos, I'm just a racist.
- No, I have to go first.
- You always go first! Yeah, but my news is really important.
Yeah, so is mine.
Mine is big.
Is yours big? - Medium.
- OK, I'm going first.
Guy and I had our first fight.
Yay! Oh, I love that.
What was it about? He thinks Beyonce is overrated.
(LAUGHS) Sorry, keep talking.
I need regain my breath for a moment.
He thinks her voice is overrated and that she can't hit the high notes.
OK, has he heard of a song called, Love On Top'? That is key change after key change after key change.
He also thinks she's an average dancer and she's made to look good by all her back-up dancers.
That is a lie.
She is the most technically proficient dancer in the world.
He also thinks feminism under capitalism doesn't work because her athletic clothing line is made in a sweatshop by a predominantly female staff.
Fine, he might have a point there, but you still have to break up with him.
I'm a grown woman, I don't think I can break up with him because of Beyonce.
It's not just that.
It's the damp canine BO, it's the pre-kiss lip licking, that's three strikes.
I've always thought three strikes is a bit fascist.
Yeah, fine, four strikes.
One more strike he's out.
- Deal? - Deal.
OK, what's your news? OK, well, you know that mousy security guard at work? You mean Jess, head of corporate security? The cop who once gunned down four terrorists after they drove their car into a crowd of high school students? Big whoop.
I would have led with Cross of Valour winner, rather than mousy, but, yeah, go ahead.
Alright, well, um, I've decided to sell her my eggs.
That is beautiful, Talia.
Oh, my God.
That is so beautiful.
I know.
But isn't it illegal to sell your eggs? Yeah, well, it's meant to be philanthropic and stuff, but they said that'd pay for all my unpaid parking fines.
And so, you know, I think it's only fair, though, because I am so much hotter than the average egg donor, and it's only right that I get compensated for that.
I can't quite understand what you're saying because you're crying too much.
(GASPS) Yes.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, it's crazy, I never wanted to have kids, but if I can bring a big of joy into your guys lives, then at least I'll feel like I'm giving back, eh? - That means a lot, Gav.
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, I know you're probably looking at me thinking, "If we have a boy, is he going to suffer from male pattern baldness?" Particularly given the lush head of hair on your husband there.
And the answer is, probably.
Yes.
But it's not all bad.
You know, good news is that being bald is character building.
Chicks don't find you attractive and it's a lot harder to pull roots, so you've got to work twice as hard on your personality.
So this is you after you've worked hard on your personality.
Well, I'm just letting you know now, man, so that you guys can get him started on the meds early and cut off baldness at the pass.
I mean, otherwise the only thing he's got to look forward to in life is shaving his head and pretend to be happy about it.
No, I'm serious.
Baldness is a real disability, you know.
It's affected my life a lot more than my narcolepsy.
You know, not to mention the fact it makes you look older.
I'm fucking 21.
You know, I read somewhere that eating tacos can stop you from going bald.
That sounds like bullshit.
Well, the evidence is only anecdotal, but I will say this, there is no such thing as a bald Mexican, fact.
No, I can't remember seeing a bald Mexican.
'Cause there aren't any.
So, Jess, have you done any pondering over our delivery method? We gonna go via cup or au natural? A cup'll be fine, thanks, Gav.
Yeah, yeah.
Sweet.
Cool.
Bit worried about, ah, you know.
'Cause rooting a friend's missus, no matter how noble the cause, can put a bit of pressure on the friendship.
That was never an option was it, darl? No.
Yeah, so it'll just be your hand doing all the heavy lifting on this one Gav, thanks.
(SNORES) Is narcolepsy hereditary? Yeah.
There's a one in 20 chance the kid'll get it.
It's so comforting to know that our bald sleepy kids will be well provided for.
Well, we didn't have to go with Gav.
We could have gone with Chook or Spud.
It was a tough one, but I think we made the right call.
(FARTS) Oh, gawd.
Phew.
Phew.
Speaking of tacos.
God, get the windows down, babe.
That's got some tang to it.
Remember you ate the whole spool of dental floss.
I know it's minty and it's sweet.
I had to stand on one end of one of your poos, then I threw a ball, and then you had to race after it and then the dental floss just spooled out of your arsehole.
- It's weird.
- Woof.
I don't know how much time I have left.
I think your dad was having a cheeky crack at my mum.
Oh, my God.
Are you gay? No.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
Can I ask you a question? - I'm not gay.
- OK.
The doctor thinks I'd be a poor IVF candidate.
And I'm infertile.
Well, my staff hates me, my husband's cheating on me, but I do have a great driver and I happen to have an amazing bolognaise sauce at my house that he's welcome to sample if he'd like.
This couldn't come at a worse financial time.
How many thousands of dollars do I have to spend at the vet retrieving things from your lower colon? It's disgusting.
Who eats a whole bauble? A whole bauble? Tinsel, what's nice about tinsel? If we cut you open, you'd be like a bloody It'd be like a discotheque inside your bloody stomach.
What a disgusting scene that is.
God, how many weird things can you eat? My car keys, gone.
Bag of marbles, gone.
All of Daddy's Lego men, gone.
Remember the next day I looked out in the bloody back garden, there's little poos everywhere with like little It was like Pompeii.
There were like little Lego men half submerged, just like dying in stasis, embedded inside your turds.
You little shitbag.
Love you, though.
Love you.
SONG; Let's go! What you waitin' for? Your prayers are already answered Do you really want it? Ain't got no time to waste - Let's go - Green light Step on the gas, don't let no-one past Put some pep in your step Follow me this way Red light, green light Red light, green light Red light, green light, go! Do you wanna go, go, go? I'm-a, I'm-a run this show Red light Do you wanna go? Green light - Do you wanna? - Do you wanna go? I'm the one who's supposed to be experimenting with sex and relationships, not my parents! Yeah.
I mean, I just don't even understand swinging, right? It's like taking the most fun bit out of having an affair, the lying! Here I was prepared to comfort my mum after my dad made out with your mum, but then my mum goes and puts her hand on your dad's knee.
It's like out of control.
You know what the most disgusting bit about it is? Is that it's not even love, right? They just see each other as these like sex objects.
It's not even cute.
Speaking of, Guy told me he loves me.
Did you say it back? - It was too awkward not to.
- (LAUGHS) Ew.
What, you thinking about Guy's stank? CEO just sent me an email with a different idea on the promotional video we've already signed off on.
Why does the CEO send you emails? Because I'm acting marketing director.
Oh, yeah.
You're important.
I always forget that because of your eczema.
She wants to refer to the employees as the "K2 crew.
" Gross! - I think that's great.
- Oh.
It's cool.
We are a crew, man.
Hey, I've been resenting you quite a bit lately.
- What? - Yeah.
Because you've got this amazing job, and, you know, you're so in love with this stinky guy you're not caring about anything.
OK, that's enough.
I'm the only one allowed to make fun of Guy's stank.
No, you've found happiness and I haven't.
That's how it works.
I'm allowed to make fun of you and whatever person makes you happy.
You have a dark heart, Talia.
Oh, you know what's going to really suit you? Is one of those oxygen masks, and those tanks that you wheel around when the asbestos gets to you.
It would suit me.
It'd give me high status because I'd be sick.
I'd get a better car spot at work.
Men would stop interrupting me at meetings and dad would be so grief stricken he wouldn't be able to maintain an erection while fucking your mum.
You've hardly said a word in 24 hours.
Don't worry, babe.
It's nothing to do with you.
Well, just don't infect the car with your bad attitude.
If we've got any chance of attracting a baby into our lives, we need to keep it light.
Attracting a baby into our lives? You make it sound like we're trying to trap a beaver.
What's your problem? You know that carrot cake you lovingly baked for me? - I did bake it lovingly.
- Yeah.
Well, I took a slice of it into work yesterday, ate it.
Beautiful.
Thank you.
Then when I returned to my desk, look what I found Blu-Tacked to my chalkboard.
It's a photograph of a dick quietly resting on the piece of cake I just ate.
(LAUGHS) I can see what it is.
Talk about having your cock and eating it too.
- Ha-ha.
- I feel sick.
Although it's disgusting, you're not going to catch anything.
I mean, I never have.
When I find out whose dick it was, I'm gonna rip their dick off and shove it down their throat so far they'll be drowning in dick.
I'm going to look even harder at the urinals and whoever owns this dick Oh, that's Johnno's from Maintenance.
What? I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
Maybe you should examine why you've got so much anger.
Maybe it's all this baby stuff.
God.
I never thought I'd be that guy.
Well, would it make you a little less angry if I told you I finally found someone to donate her eggs? - Bullshit.
- No bullshit.
- Babe, that's great! - Mm-hm.
What's she like? Tall, funny, brunette.
OK.
Cool.
Quick question.
Would I bang her? That's offensive and irrelevant.
I agree it's slightly offensive, but it's not irrelevant.
I need to know whether I'd bang her, otherwise we're screwing with the laws of nature.
It's totally offensive and completely irrelevant because we're not even using your sperm.
OK, I'll rephrase the question.
- Would Gavin bang her? - Undoubtedly, yes.
OK.
So it literally could be anyone.
So did you bring me back a present? What? Sorry, that was just a light-hearted riff on Like whenever my mum used to go away, she'd always bring us back a present.
But you're not my mum, and now I fully regret bringing it up.
I think I'm just acting weird because of what happened before you left.
Why? What happened before I left? You know, with us.
What are you talking about? I have no idea.
- The kiss.
- The kiss? - Yeah.
- What kiss? Our our kiss.
Our kiss? Yeah.
- Where, in the car? - In the car, yeah.
Brett, you shouldn't be kissing people in the car.
This is a work car .
.
not a kiss car.
We were into it.
- We were? - Yeah.
And then, like, in your house for 45 minutes at least.
- 45 minutes? - Yeah.
Gross.
- Was there petting? - Petting? - Heavy petting? Light petting? - Oh, right.
Um Medium, I guess.
Ah, medium petting, yeah.
I I do remember.
Good, 'cause for a minute there, I thought you'd gone to New York to clear your mind, because you'd fallen in love with me.
Uh-huh.
Well, I was summoned by the managing director, who's upset with me for telling the staff about asbestos.
Well, you had to.
We could all die.
Yeah, well, he couldn't even tell me on the phone.
Face-to-face had to yell at me.
So, did you see your husband? - Yes.
- How was he? I hired a private detective to follow him.
Isn't isn't that a bit hypocritical after what happened with us before you left? OK, let's do the math.
Alright? In Australia we say "maths".
In his column there's multiple affairs.
My column contains a driver who got overly excited about my spaghetti bolognaise and tried to kiss me.
Well, you kissed me right back.
Ah! - Sorry.
- It's alright.
Shit.
Wow.
Sorry.
I always touch the most hurtful place.
I should have just Sorry.
You OK? Yeah.
- Sorry.
- Oh, jeez.
(COUGHS LOUDLY) Are you alright? Oh, not bad for someone who's most likely got asbestos poisoning.
(WEARY SIGH) - (HONKS HORN) - Oh! How's the band? What are you called again, the Three Busketeers? No, we changed our name to Linguini Anonymous.
Oh, I liked the Three Busketeers.
Course you did, that's why we changed our name, because we were bringing in the wrong crowd.
What does Linguini Anonymous even mean? Has it got something to do with pasta, or just being too literal? Mum, I could tell you, but you'd still be ignorant.
Excuse me! I'm dating an Aborigine, Mia.
Which is about as un-ignorant as you get.
Stop saying Aborigine, and un-ignorant isn't a word.
According to the 'Am I Racist?' quizzes I've been doing online, I'm less ignorant than I was last week.
I'm now just a casual racist.
Last week I was 'institutionalised', week before that, 'grand wizard'.
By this time next week I intend to be 'fully woke'.
Maybe you should call Gary, tell him about your progress and apologise.
- You think so? - Yeah.
(PHONE RINGS) GARY: Look, Bridge, unless you're going to apologise - I am.
I'm sorry.
- For? Being an entitled white person.
- Being an entitled right person.
- White, white, white White! Entitled white person.
Why are you entitled white person, Bridget? Um Do you accept the existence of structural racism? Yes.
Of course.
Do you even have to ask? What IS structural racism, Bridget? A system in which public policies and cultural norms reinforce racial inequality.
A system in which the public promises cultural wars and forces Rachel into economy.
Oh, great.
So, did I pass the test? No, but Mia got 100%.
- Hi, Mia.
- Hi, Gary.
Sorry about my racist Mum.
Bridget, call back when you've done some proper reading.
- (HANGS UP) - Proper reading! I've done lots of reading, thank you very much.
I'm a great reader.
So what was the last book that you read? Captain Corelli's Mandarin.
Is Barney OK? I don't know, like, there was some tinsel in his stool, but the bauble's like fully lodged up in his lower colon.
- Yuck! - I know, it's yuck.
How are things going with that guy from the warehouse? Oh, Lacey.
It's gone.
- What happened? - Wasn't gay.
How many times did you guys have sex? Five.
I'm so sorry.
So did you want to keep talking about your boyfriend who's not gay or can we move on to mum's will? I think I'd rather talk about mum's will.
Great.
So the lawyer reckons that we have to prove that mum was insane when she made Alison the executor of her will.
The ex the executor? It's the exec-utor of the will.
Oh, no, that's a business term.
It's definitely executor.
- The executor of the will? - Yeah.
The exec exec-utor executor.
OK, I guess like, well, you execute the document.
- Exactly.
- Yeah, right, OK.
- Gotcha.
Gotcha.
- Yeah.
OK, what if I imply to Alison that it wouldn't be in her best interest to cross us? What are you talking about? I'll shake her down a little bit, like a warehouseman.
Oh, piss off, Lukas.
You couldn't shake down a doona.
Hey, I'm a warehouse man now.
A warehouseman.
People are afraid of warehousemen.
I hang around other men.
I can be a little bit, "Hey!" You know? High vis, all jizz.
- You're going to jizz on Alison? - No! I'm saying Doesn't matter, just Right, well, I think that definitely won't work.
I could Columbo it.
I'll Columbo it.
What does that mean? I'll Columbo it.
Kind of like, "Hey!" Remember Columbo? - We watched it when we were kids.
- Don't remember.
Peter Falk, the bloody private detective with the He'd wear the trench coat and be like, "Hey! Bah! Well!" He'd go, "One more thing.
" He had the bung eye.
"Hey! One more thing.
"I'll just It probably doesn't matter, but, ah, one more thing.
" And then just wander away and come back and he'd solved the crime.
Right.
I don't think that's gonna work.
Can't believe you wouldn't know Columbo.
Yeah, I don't remember it.
Fine.
You don't remember Columbo.
Let's let's just not talk for five minutes.
And by the way it's exec-utor.
RADIO: It's 9am and all lanes have reopened on the M5.
Meanwhile, scientists have found 15,000 types of genetic material at Central Station.
If any of it's yours, it can be collected from lost and found.
A new study out today is saying women are more attracted to men who are depressed.
I'd be rapt with that news if I wasn't so depressed.
So, do you want to take the M4, which'll be chockers, or the M5 which will take longer, but have less traffic? Whatever.
I only understand 25% of what you say.
So my private detective called to say that my husband also hired a private detective.
But he's the one cheating.
Well, cheaters are always paranoid, so Especially when their wives are also cheating.
(SIGHS) Please don't go over the meaningless kiss again with the medium petting.
(EXHALES) 3am in New York.
Oh, man.
Years of hard work and strategic side boob all for nothing because I opened my big mouth about the asbestos.
God, my career is over.
You did the right thing.
Your staff will thank you for it.
Thankyous don't lift share prices, but If I didn't think we'd have sex I'd ask you for a drink.
You think I'd have sex with you, just like that? Brett, given the opportunity, would you have sex with me? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You must have Australia's most expensive arsehole.
The amount of money I have ploughed into your arsehole, $3,200, and it's still lodged in your bowel.
I can't keep doing this.
I mean, I've got my issues.
I'm not bloody burdening you with my problems, am I? You don't care, do ya? I mean, I could be dying.
This is it.
This could be it for me.
I could be dying of asbestos poisoning.
Ab asp absbestos.
Abspestos aspbest asbestos.
Abspestos.
Ad I could be die I am dying of something I can't even pronounce! Oi, Lukas! That's Lacey.
Lacey.
It's Lacey.
Remember Lacey? Remember racy Lacey? Racy Lacey.
Jeez, he's looking good, isn't he? God, he's so hot.
Bloody hot, confused, racially ambiguous, blue-collar fuck machine Lacey.
I really shouldn't go back there, but my God did you see his Bintang singlet? Makes his pecs pop.
I can't do it, though.
I don't want to be manipulated like a flesh puppet.
Tell you what, though, if Daddy is dying, though, that could be like a last, you know, a farewell.
Oh, Barn.
Should I, Barn? Should we do this? Barney, what do you reckon? I mean, Barney, if this is gonna happen, you've just got to give me a look.
Please, Barney, just give me the nod.
- So, we doing this? - Woof! We're doing this? Barney, we're doing this.
We're off for some racy Lacey! (COUGHS) Isn't that for asthma? I don't know, I found it on someone's desk.
I thought, maybe as a precaution.
Well, can you puff more quietly? I'm trying to write a severance letter to Catfish? Catfish is the bass player, right? No, that's Hard Wang.
Catfish is the drummer.
- Who's on guitar? - Geoff! Fuck, Mum.
Do you listen to anything I say? It's hard to listen when you're dying.
(COUGHS) - Can I run this by you? - Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT) "Dear Catfish, you've been a great drummer.
"Well, a good one.
"We will miss your easy wit "and your ability to carry heavy objects.
"If I could leave you with some passing wisdom, it would be this.
"Try and learn to breathe through your nose.
"Mouth breathing is creepy.
"Your sincerely, Linguini Anonymous.
" - What do you think? - It's great.
I just hope I'll be around to see you on Rage.
Why wouldn't you be? We'll be rich.
We'll get babysitters, maybe some books on overcoming structural and systemic racism.
We'll see.
Depends on how this asbestos thing works out.
- (COUGHS) - Mum.
If you're really worried, just get tested.
Last time I got tested I found out I was pregnant.
Plus, the asbestos is working in my favour.
How? Well, at the moment, Gary thinks I'm a racist who's dying.
If you take away the asbestos, I'm just a racist.
- No, I have to go first.
- You always go first! Yeah, but my news is really important.
Yeah, so is mine.
Mine is big.
Is yours big? - Medium.
- OK, I'm going first.
Guy and I had our first fight.
Yay! Oh, I love that.
What was it about? He thinks Beyonce is overrated.
(LAUGHS) Sorry, keep talking.
I need regain my breath for a moment.
He thinks her voice is overrated and that she can't hit the high notes.
OK, has he heard of a song called, Love On Top'? That is key change after key change after key change.
He also thinks she's an average dancer and she's made to look good by all her back-up dancers.
That is a lie.
She is the most technically proficient dancer in the world.
He also thinks feminism under capitalism doesn't work because her athletic clothing line is made in a sweatshop by a predominantly female staff.
Fine, he might have a point there, but you still have to break up with him.
I'm a grown woman, I don't think I can break up with him because of Beyonce.
It's not just that.
It's the damp canine BO, it's the pre-kiss lip licking, that's three strikes.
I've always thought three strikes is a bit fascist.
Yeah, fine, four strikes.
One more strike he's out.
- Deal? - Deal.
OK, what's your news? OK, well, you know that mousy security guard at work? You mean Jess, head of corporate security? The cop who once gunned down four terrorists after they drove their car into a crowd of high school students? Big whoop.
I would have led with Cross of Valour winner, rather than mousy, but, yeah, go ahead.
Alright, well, um, I've decided to sell her my eggs.
That is beautiful, Talia.
Oh, my God.
That is so beautiful.
I know.
But isn't it illegal to sell your eggs? Yeah, well, it's meant to be philanthropic and stuff, but they said that'd pay for all my unpaid parking fines.
And so, you know, I think it's only fair, though, because I am so much hotter than the average egg donor, and it's only right that I get compensated for that.
I can't quite understand what you're saying because you're crying too much.
(GASPS) Yes.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, it's crazy, I never wanted to have kids, but if I can bring a big of joy into your guys lives, then at least I'll feel like I'm giving back, eh? - That means a lot, Gav.
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, I know you're probably looking at me thinking, "If we have a boy, is he going to suffer from male pattern baldness?" Particularly given the lush head of hair on your husband there.
And the answer is, probably.
Yes.
But it's not all bad.
You know, good news is that being bald is character building.
Chicks don't find you attractive and it's a lot harder to pull roots, so you've got to work twice as hard on your personality.
So this is you after you've worked hard on your personality.
Well, I'm just letting you know now, man, so that you guys can get him started on the meds early and cut off baldness at the pass.
I mean, otherwise the only thing he's got to look forward to in life is shaving his head and pretend to be happy about it.
No, I'm serious.
Baldness is a real disability, you know.
It's affected my life a lot more than my narcolepsy.
You know, not to mention the fact it makes you look older.
I'm fucking 21.
You know, I read somewhere that eating tacos can stop you from going bald.
That sounds like bullshit.
Well, the evidence is only anecdotal, but I will say this, there is no such thing as a bald Mexican, fact.
No, I can't remember seeing a bald Mexican.
'Cause there aren't any.
So, Jess, have you done any pondering over our delivery method? We gonna go via cup or au natural? A cup'll be fine, thanks, Gav.
Yeah, yeah.
Sweet.
Cool.
Bit worried about, ah, you know.
'Cause rooting a friend's missus, no matter how noble the cause, can put a bit of pressure on the friendship.
That was never an option was it, darl? No.
Yeah, so it'll just be your hand doing all the heavy lifting on this one Gav, thanks.
(SNORES) Is narcolepsy hereditary? Yeah.
There's a one in 20 chance the kid'll get it.
It's so comforting to know that our bald sleepy kids will be well provided for.
Well, we didn't have to go with Gav.
We could have gone with Chook or Spud.
It was a tough one, but I think we made the right call.
(FARTS) Oh, gawd.
Phew.
Phew.
Speaking of tacos.
God, get the windows down, babe.
That's got some tang to it.
Remember you ate the whole spool of dental floss.
I know it's minty and it's sweet.
I had to stand on one end of one of your poos, then I threw a ball, and then you had to race after it and then the dental floss just spooled out of your arsehole.
- It's weird.
- Woof.