Staged (2020) s02e04 Episode Script

Do you never get, like, you're
at the mercy of your thoughts,
like they're going to smother you?
- No.
- Do you meditate?
Never needed to.
I'm a very tranquil person.
Never plagued with conscience?
Nope.
- Is that troubling?
- I don't know.
Have you ever done anything bad?
Fuck, yes, all the time.
Well, then, yes, it is
a little troubling. Yeah.
- Any progress on New York?
- Mm.
I'm thinking of asking Mary
if she can help out with it.
Oh, yeah? What could she do?
She's got connections.
- How's Italy looking?
- Romania.
Did I know it was Romania?
Oh, I don't know. I mean, you know,
chuck a dart at a globe, it's just
How's Romania looking?
I don't know.
I mean, I usually have someone who
sorts all these things out for me.
- Georgia says I could drive!
- Can you drive?
I usually have someone who does
that for me, too.
You know there's a rumour
that Mary killed one of her clients
with their own Golden Globe?
Oh, that's ridiculous!
You said she's got connections!
In air travel.
- You are sounding paranoid.
- I did not sleep.
Then go and have a nap!
She could fire us!
- No!
- No?
Not both of us.
Oh, are you going to throw me
under the bus?
- What?
- Are you? Answer the question.
Are you going to throw me under the bus?
I mean, it was your idea.
- Are you going to tell her that?!
- Probably not!
What does "probably not" mean?!
I probably won't tell her that
because she probably
won't even be angry!
Yes, but if she is angry.
- Well, it was your idea.
- She will fire me!
No, she won't!
I can't be agent-less, not right now.
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
Are Nick Frost and Simon Pegg,
are they her clients?!
- No.
- Fuck!
They're not!
- She's going to rip my fucking face off!
- They're not.
- Are you? You know that?
- Absolutely!
I've got to get back to work.
We are in this together.
- You promise?
- I promise.
- Scout's honour?
- Will a cub do?
Yeah. Cub's honour.
Dib-dib, dob-dob.
It's a solemn tryst you make
as a child - do not mock it.
I make to thee, at this moment-th
Say it in Welsh.
solemn tryst
amen.
- Was that just a load of old bollocks in Welsh?
- Yeah.
- Simon can't write women.
- No.
He just can't.
Sorry, Lucy.
No, no, he really can't.
I have never called anyone "chiquitas".
Does he not understand women?
- I think he's confused.
- But he has a girlfriend now.
- Yeah, I know!
- Yeah, so maybe he'll improve.
Yeah, but I need this scene now,
so I can't really afford
to wait for him to mature.
Yeah.
Should we just read it through?
Yeah. Look, we can fix it as we go.
It can't be that bad.
"Hey, chiquitas!"
What did you ask him to do?
Oh, um, like, I'm presenting
this this charity thing
and I thought, like, a Staged-style skit
might be quite a nice way to open it.
- Yeah, great.
- So I thought, "Oh, I know.
"I'll ask the writer of Staged
to write us something."
And this is what he's written
for us, for me.
So I don't think I can get
past "chiquitas".
Well, there's a "honey" later,
then "bitches", and then "baby".
OK, nobody calls each other baby.
- Michael says it to Lyra.
- Well, he should just learn her name.
Simon just lacks
understanding.
- He's your brother!
- It's not genetic
- and he's not the worst!
- Oh, God, no.
Mm-mm. I read for a character once
who was described
as having happy breasts.
I had a stage direction once that said,
"She covers her startled buttocks."
How did you do that?
Well, I offered to draw some sort
of big, wide eyes on them
- with a Sharpie.
- And did you?
- No, I did not. It got cut.
- Oh.
Let's carry on reading.
It might get better.
- Hey, chiquitas!
- Great to see you again, gals!
Hi, bitches!
Fck me, it's awful.
Shall I shall I make some changes?
Can't we just do the original?
It was much better then.
- Let me have a look.
- Have you got time?
I mean, it can't be that difficult,
Simon does it.
Hey, baby, can I have this room
in about 20 minutes?
- What? No.
- I need it.
Why?
- I think I'm going to be shouted at.
- Hi, David!
Oh, hi, Lucy. Hi, Anna. All right?
Hi. How are you?
I'm going to be shouted at.
Can I have the room?
- Did you book it on the calendar?
- What calendar?
The one on the fridge.
No.
No? Well, then you
can't have the nice room.
- But I need it!
- Why?
- I need to look valuable.
- Use the den.
I didn't know there was
a calendar on the fridge.
Well, it's new and
you missed orientation.
Well, that's really unfair.
Won't be a sec!
- All right.
- How long have we got?
- Couple of minutes.
- Great.
Definitely in this together, yeah?
Yes, as ever!
- What the fuck's that?
- What?
- Why are you wearing a shirt?
- I just put it on.
As long as I have known you,
I've never seen you wearing a shirt.
I have historically worn a shirt.
Why are you wearing a shirt?
Just because you fused with a hoodie
You trying to impress Mary, are you?
No!
You wanker.
What? What are they?
Just a little design choice.
- Are you set dressing?
- A bit of visual furniture.
Jesus, you are shameless.
Just think the frame was
a bit empty, I think.
Better.
Where are you going?
- Just getting some books.
- What books?
Books from my library.
Is it the fucking Twilight books?
$3 billion worldwide, chum!
Wanker!
Right, no, no. Don't,
don't you bring Harry Potter in.
Do not bring Har! Right.
Is that Lyra?
Could you be quiet, please?
She's sleeping.
You're using your daughter as leverage?!
I am being an attentive father.
- How?!
- I'm helping her sleep.
She was asleep already!
- Hi, there!
- Hey!
Hey, Tom.
Hey!
Whoa, Michael, did you make
your own suit?
I was just doing an awards thing.
I won
- You won an award?
- What did you win?
Oh, talking about awards,
woofty doofty, David!
What are those behind you?
Oh, these guys? Just, you know?
Oh, my goodness.
We have a little Doctor Who.
What else have we got back there?
I mean, what can't you do?
It's just a few. You know,
most of them are over there.
Sorry, could? Sorry. Sorry, guys.
Could you just keep it down
a little bit?
The baby's sleeping.
Is she actually in there?
Yes.
Could you please keep it quiet?
Could we see her?
Could we see her, then?
Could we see her?
I don't want to wake her up.
I don't want to disturb her.
I'll be so quiet, Michael.
Do you, do you have children, Tom?
- No, I'm infertile.
- Right.
So I got Mary for both
you guys, if you want.
Yeah. Tom, before you put her on,
this story about Mary
and the Golden Globe, that's
I mean, that's just stupid, isn't it?
What are you talking about?
There was a client with a
Golden Globe and there was a
Yeah, that was never proven,
that was a story.
So many rumours going around
Hollywood There's, literally,
there's no I don't know why
we're talking about this.
There's no way to prove anything.
OK, and what's her mood like today?
- Oh, she's great!
- Good great or bad great?
No, she's as per. As per.
Is as per, like, positive or negative?
Michael, did you hear him?!
"Is as per, like, positive or negative?"
- I do not I
- Of course, it's as per!
- David!
- OK.
He's ridiculous.
Oh, she's Mary, David!
Yeah.
Oh, man, I needed that.
I was hoping you'd slam-dunk a laugh
in my face and you did today.
Oh, Michael, you should try
learning jokes!
- I think it would help you!
- Tom.
It would get rid of, like,
the visual stuff.
Tom, does Mary like children?
Is she a big children fan?
I'm sorry, Michael, you're
making literally no sense.
If I held the baby here
Are you Lion King-ing her?
Are you cradling? Tell me what
the position of the baby is.
I could, I could dandle her.
Do you know dandling?
Yeah, it's a Michael Jackson
over the thing thing,
- you don't want to do that.
- I can also get my baby,
- if you think it'll help.
- How old is your baby, David?
- Tell me everything!
- The same. She's, she's also one.
Oh, my, that is so!
David's got so many of them, though,
they mean much less to him
than my one means to me.
- Well
- It's spread out over his.
I'm going to head out, OK?
And enjoy whatever Bar Mitzvah
you're going to after this, Michael,
that's why I assume you're wearing that.
- Thank you. Bye.
- Talk soon.
Here comes Mary!
How's the baby, David?
Me?
- No, you.
- Michael.
Michael, I thought you were David.
Nope.
- How's the baby?
- Um
She's, she's asleep.
Then why is she on the call?
I'm being attentive.
- Do you have any children, Mary?
- I have clients.
Simon and Nick are out.
- Yeah.
- We heard, yeah.
Which one of you wants
to tell me what happened?
Uh
What did they say?
- They said you were dickheads.
- Did they?
- They said that?!
- I'm summarising.
- From what?
- A quote.
- Right.
- So what did you do?
Guys, you did something.
What did you do?
- It was David's idea.
- Seriously?
What did you do?
- Look, Simon and Nick reached out to us.
- Through David.
- To both of us.
- You know, mainly David.
- Can I tell the story?
- Are you sweating?
- Yeah, you do look a bit shiny, David.
- Am I shiny?
- Are you sick?
- I told him he should have a nap.
Just keep going, OK?
Well, Simon and Nick reached out
to both of us
and they actually asked
if we would jump on a call
so that they could ask us
some questions.
And then David suggested
No, I didn't
No, it wasn't a suggestion,
- it was, it was a joke.
- Oh, it wasn't a joke.
- It was a joke.
- No, it was a plot.
No, it was a joke
that Michael took too seriously.
No, it was a plot to sabotage them!
Sabotage them?
- Yes.
- Why?
Listen, Mary, can I moot an idea?
What the fuck is a moot?
Might it be that actually
we have done the production,
and indeed you, a bit of a favour here?
Explain how.
Well, look, Michael and
I are still available.
Yeah? Simon and Nick
if we're all honest about it,
were never really right for this,
were they? It's a tired old bit
of shtick that they do.
It's all a bit
Ooh-aah, ahh. Boy, all right.
You know, it's it's niche.
Um, and now they've stepped away,
we can step back in.
We're the originators and your clients.
Simon and Nick are also my clients.
OK, are they? Right.
And they are exceptional actors.
No, no. Sure, sure.
It's just that Michael said that
Yeah, but, you know, their value
far exceeds yours on every level.
Sor Mar is that both of us though?
- Yeah.
- One not more than the other?
- No, both.
- I am talented!
But they're Box Office gold.
Well, Harry Potter made
nearly ten million.
- You were in one film!
- That is not helpful!
And only one scene!
And, and also a flashback!
I was actually, actually
in four of the Twilight films.
- I'm Doctor Who!
- Not any more, baby!
Well, I've still got the
People's Choice Award!
And this turned sideways,
I turn it like that,
I ram it up your tight Welsh rectum!
And that is exactly
where that award should go,
right up there,
with the rest of my excrement!
And on a personal note,
you managed to embarrass me.
- How?
- Simon and Nick,
they talk to people.
Well, we can, we can fix that.
- We can talk to people.
- Yeah.
Who could you talk to?
- Um
- The werewolves in Twilight?
Harry Potter?
Your sleeping baby?
You can't talk to anybody.
- Sorry, Mary.
- Sorry, Mary.
So here's what we're going to do.
I'm going to offer you both up
to read again
with whoever they want to see next
and you're going to do it politely,
and you're going to do it competently
- and you're going to fucking do it for free.
- Of cou
- Absolutely, makes sense.
- Yeah. Yeah.
I can mend some relationships,
but you motherfuckers show people
that you can play well with others.
- Do you understand me?
- Yeah, got it.
And is there absolutely no chance
that we can play ourselves in this?
I was in more scenes.
What, in Harry Potter?
- Originally, yeah.
- They cut them?
- Well, they rewrote them.
- Without you.
Without my character, yeah.
- So they were cut.
- They were changed.
- We're valuable.
- Hugely!
We are.
- What are we going to do now?
- Play nicely.
You ever had a scene cut?
- Once.
- Oh, yeah? What in?
In GoldenEye.
GoldenEye?! What were you
going to do in GoldenEye?!
You know the scene when
he says, "Bond, James Bond"?
Of course.
Well, it was Pierce Brosnan's
first time,
so they wanted the character
to say that twice.
Right. What did you have to do?
I had to say, "Say it again."
- And?
- He said it again.
Right.
Bond, James Bond.
Say it again.
Bond, James Bond!
And scene.
- They cut that?!
- They did.
Wankers. No credit, nothing?
Nothing.
And I can't play Bond now!
- Really?
- Yeah, that's the rule.
That's why they couldn't
offer it to me last time.
- Was that why?
- Mm-hm.
Right.
Yes. I was rumoured to be in the
running to play James Bond once.
You were rumoured?
"Ex Doctor Who could be stepping
out of the TARDIS
"and into a dinner jacket,"
that kind of stuff.
Yeah, no, there was
They did that thing
where they Photoshop my head
- With your head put on like a pools winner.
- Well, yeah.
I mean, it wasn't the greatest
Photoshop ever,
but the principle was there.
Have you never been in the running
for Doctor Who?
- Ah, I came close.
- Did you?!
Mm. I was offered it.
No! What happened?!
I don't know. They just suddenly
changed their mind,
said they decided to go
in a different direction.