Star Trek: The Next Generation s02e04 Episode Script

Captain's log, stardate 42402.
7.
We're in the Omega Sagitta system|traversing between the twin planets that form the Coalition of Madena.
Both worlds are populated|by a humanoid race which colonised the planets|two centuries ago.
They coexist under a precarious|but successful treaty.
Unidentified vessel approaching.
Sensors show a small, class-9 vessel, probably|an interplanetary cargo ship.
One life sign aboard, sir.
It appears to be humanoid.
- I have its call sign now.
|- Confirmed.
Armed with lasers only.
Its cargo holds are empty.
Its guidance system|is malfunctioning.
The pilot is attempting|to hold course manually.
We should set the Enterprise to|intercept in case he needs help.
Make it so, Mr.
Crusher.
We're in position now, Captain.
- Open hailing frequencies.
|- Frequencies open.
On viewer.
This is the USS Enterprise,|Capt Jean-Luc Picard.
This is the cargo carrier Erstwhile.
Captain Okona at your service, sir.
No need for phasers.
I'm harmless|and not ready for a mercy killing.
You were never|considered a danger.
That's a shame.
I remember when|I was at least considered a risk.
I'm owner of this craft.
Since you've already scanned it,|you know I'm alone and empty, which is a rare occasion|for a man of my charm and talent.
Mute main viewer.
Counsellor? His emotions suggest|he is mischievous, irreverent and somewhat brazen.
The word that seems|to best describe him is "rogue".
"Rogue"? Cad, knave, rake,|rascal, villain, wild element Yes, Data, but there is|no malevolence or ill will.
Audio on.
You have a burnout|in your guidance system.
If you can diagnose my problems,|why not help fix them? Captain, we can easily repair|the system he uses.
- We can accommodate you.
|- First Officer here.
If you shut down your engines,|we can beam you over.
Sir, recommend limited access|to our ship.
- Agreed.
|- Data, lock on him.
- Prepare to beam him aboard.
|- Ready on your command.
Excuse me, Commander,|is that a woman's voice I hear? Yes.
Follow Cmdr Riker's instructions - so we can get back to our routine.
|- Whatever you say, Captain.
Something funny? Well, the unexpected|is our normal routine.
Space, the final frontier.
These are the voyages|of the Starship Enterprise.
Its continuing mission|to explore strange new worlds, .
.
to seek out new life|and new civilisations, .
.
to boldly go|where no one has gone before.
Hold it steady, Wesley.
Ready to link on my command.
Aye, sir.
Easy.
Engage.
- Captain, shut down your engines.
|- Understood.
Transporter room,|prepare for beaming.
Wesley, Data, let's go.
Your weapons, please.
A Klingon security officer? Yes.
No wars available? It's more a piece of jewellery|than a weapon.
A remembrance.
Welcome aboard.
I'm Cmdr Riker.
If you turn over the part,|we'll begin repairs.
I'd be happy to do the work.
|I'm a hands-on type.
You'd find our tools rather unusual.
I can believe that.
|May I at least watch? That can be arranged.
Good, then, Commander,|I leave this in your capable hands.
Sir, this is Cmdr Data.
|I'm just an acting ensign.
Acting ensigns have names,|don't they? Wesley.
Wesley Crusher.
Nice to meet you,|Wesley Wesley Crusher.
And thank you for beaming me here and enabling me to see|a truly beautiful woman.
You have a majestic carriage|and loveliness that surely traces back|to the noblest families.
I'm sure you've said that to many,|and it was not true then either.
But it's how I say it|that's really important.
The warmth, the attraction|that I have for you.
The attraction that we share.
Mr.
Okona appears to have excellent|vision as well as a healthy libido.
It's 806.
Capt Okona, if you follow Cmdr Data,|you can start right away.
Now, that's sex appeal.
Sexual attraction in this context|is not part of my programming.
I am an android.
Well, have you seen|any good-looking computers lately? That's a joke.
It's funny.
Of course it is.
- That'll do what the original did?|- It sure will.
And better.
Let me show you.
On your old one,|the zelebium contacts wore down.
What I've done|is replace them with tricellite.
Tricellite isn't available here.
|If I had to replace them No need.
Your ship|will never outlast this part.
Because of the part,|or the way I fly? This part, but you do tend to push|your ship beyond its capabilities.
Blame the pattern of my life,|Lieutenant.
It relegates me to cargo carrying,|rather than your grand explorations, so I am forced to add|some flamboyancy and zest to the doldrums of my existence.
- Have you ever been cold?|- No.
- Warm, then?|- No.
- What about drunk? Ever do that?|- That is not possible for me.
Pity.
What about love? - The act or the emotion?|- They're both the same.
I believe that statement|to be inaccurate, sir.
Maybe.
Life is like loading twice your|cargo weight onto your spacecraft.
If it's canaries and you keep|half of them flying all the time, .
.
you're alright.
I doubt that statement|is accurate either.
Accurate?|That was a joke I just told.
- I do not understand.
|- You don't know what a joke is? Of course.
It is a witticism,|a gag, a bon mot, words concluding with a trick ending.
That's the dictionary meaning.
|I mean humour, fun.
D'you know what funny is? Where is 806? Right over there, sir.
Why? You probably wouldn't|understand that either.
Hello, there.
- Status on the repair?|- Working on it.
Commander,|what do you think of Capt Okona? Well, Okona is an interesting man.
|We've seen how he handles his ship.
Apparently|he can handle people as well.
- Then why does he work alone?|- He lives by his own rules.
He does what he does by his choice.
Someday, you'll make yours.
I already have.
You agree with Okona that I am|missing an important human factor? I never said that.
I simply said|that I've never seen you laugh.
I am capable of that function|when it is expected of me.
Data, do you even know|what a joke is? Of course.
It is a witticism,|a gag, a bon mot, a Stop.
Look, it's just you and I here.
We're having|an intimate conversation.
Why? Because you're a 'droid|and I'm a 'noid.
- Why?|- Because that's what I am.
Have I offended you? - No.
|- Then why are you annoyed? Because you're a 'droid|and I'm a 'noid.
- Humanoid.
|- Yes.
- You told a joke.
|- Yes.
- I am not laughing.
|- Yes.
- Perhaps the joke was not funny.
|- No, it was funny.
It's you.
- Are you sure?|- Yes.
I agree.
What do I do? Under normal circumstances,|I'd say seek a higher power.
In your case, probably|a smarter computer is in order.
Computer,|I wish to know more about humour, why certain combinations of words|and actions make humans laugh.
Source material is extensive.
|Please specify.
Animated presentation, humanoid.
|Interaction required.
Physical humour, cerebral,|or general raconteur? Of all performers available,|who's considered funniest? No.
Too esoteric.
More generic.
Accessing.
That one.
RW96321, 20th century.
Program complete.
You may enter.
Thanks, ladies and gentlemen,|you've been great.
I'd like to take you home.
But I took the last audience home|and there's no more room.
But thank you.
And thank you|for bringing me here.
What's up? Mr.
Comic,|I wish to know what is funny.
Funny? I don't know.
|It's a matter of opinion.
Tip O'Neill in a dress? Some people say words|that end with a K are funny.
A briefcase that looks like a fish.
|That's hysterical.
Tip O'Neill Accessing.
carrying a valise|that looks like a fish.
So the juxtaposition of gender|and an amphibian briefcase is funny.
Well, I think|whatever makes you laugh is funny.
Nothing does.
I wish to learn.
- How much time do we have here?|- Unlimited.
We're gonna need it.
|You are a tough room.
"Tough room"? A colloquialism meaning a severe,|rigid, closed-minded audience.
I understand.
|I will attempt to be an easy room.
- Show me what is funny.
|- Alright, you're on.
Jerry Lewis.
- Mr.
Robot, come up.
|- I'm an android.
I'm sorry.
Mr.
Android.
|Here, teeth.
Put 'em in your mouth.
Where'd he go?|Where did? Mr.
An Here.
Here, try, if you would.
You do No.
You go That is considered That is considered to be funny? Brought the house down in Teaneck.
A word ending in K.
So if you put funny teeth|in your mouth and jump around like an idiot,|that is considered funny.
- I didn't get your name.
|- Data.
Data, did you consider juggling,|weird bird calls, stuff like that? That does not apply.
I simply want|to know what is funny.
I want to involve myself|in other people's laughter.
I wish to join in.
I think that's nice.
|Let's put the physical stuff aside.
We'll do jokes.
It's not my forte,|but it might work for you.
If you would have a seat,|and we'll try some jokes.
We'll start with the classics.
A salesman is driving along.
|His car breaks down.
Access faster.
Faster.
Move to maximum speed.
A guy goes to his doctor.
The doctor|says, "You need an operation.
" The guy wants a second opinion.
The doctor says,|"OK, you're ugly too.
" - Was that funny?|- No.
Data, you spoiled the joke.
|It could have been your timing.
My timing is digital.
What? - That's funny.
|- Why? It would take too long to explain.
|Another joke? A monk, a clone and a Ferengi|go bowling Cmdr Data, report to the main bridge.
I will be back.
Bring new jokes.
An unidentified at 12, mark four.
No response to our inquiries.
Extend hailing frequencies,|all languages.
Extending.
It is an interplanetary vessel.
- Class-7.
Crew complement 26.
|- Still no response.
Captain,|they are now locking lasers on us.
- Lasers?|- Yes.
Lasers can't even penetrate our|navigation shields.
Don't they know? Regulations|do call for yellow alert.
Very old regulation.
Well, make it so, Number One,|and reduce speed.
Drop main shields, too.
May I ask why? In case we surrender to them.
Still no response to our hail.
It is slowing|and holding its position, Captain.
Sir, we are now being hailed.
Viewer on.
Federation vessel, you have|no rights in this solar system.
I am Debin of Atlec, ordering you to heave to|and prepare to be boarded.
Shades of Gulliver's Travels.
|He actually meant it.
But he is right.
|We are in their solar system.
- Open a channel.
|- Open, sir.
I am Capt Jean-Luc Picard|of the USS Enterprise.
Why have you locked weapons on us? You are towing the spacecraft|of a known criminal.
He needed emergency repairs.
|It was our obligation to assist.
You have a man aboard|by the name of Okona.
I want him.
On what authority? He is guilty of crimes|committed on Atlec.
I expect him to be turned over|to my authority immediately.
Mute.
What do you think, Counsellor? He believes what he's saying.
|His anger is genuine.
Open.
What crimes are they? Neither important nor necessary.
|I want Okona now! Another class-7 armed|spacecraft is approaching - from the opposite sector.
|- Another ship from Atlec? Similar in specifications|and capabilities, but a variation in markings|and hailing language.
Debin, hold this position.
|Viewer off.
Data, identify.
Sensors indicate a security vessel|from the planet Straleb.
Another glob fly.
Glob fly? A Klingon fly, half as big as|an Earth mosquito with no sting, - and a buzzing sound like this|- Viewer on.
Hailing frequencies.
Open, sir.
I am Secretary Kushell, from the Legation of Unity|of Straleb.
- I am Capt Jean-Luc Picard.
|- We know who you are.
We've been monitoring|your communications.
And we know of the demands|made by Debin of Atlec.
Then you know|we have no hostile intention.
You only have|to concede to one demand.
That word "demand"|has a tone of finality.
It is a word I have chosen.
We demand that you turn Okona|over to us immediately.
Mute.
Mr.
Okona to the bridge immediately.
Open.
The same demand|has been made by the Atlecs.
I have no interest|in their request.
But we intend to back up|our rights to Okona.
I would rather not|escalate the situation any further.
Our honour and prestige are at stake.
We are ready to take Okona by force|and die in the doing of it.
I trust that that can be avoided.
I will respond to your request|shortly.
Viewer off.
Capt Okona has not responded.
He's been reported|in three different crew quarters.
- Find him.
Get him up here.
|- Yes, sir.
Come with me|to the main bridge.
I'm sure it can wait a few minutes.
Now! I'd like that.
But I have my orders.
Some other time.
Remember what it took|to drag me from you.
Am I going to meet Capt Picard? - Definitely.
|- Did I say something funny? Capt Picard,|this is Thadium Okona.
Mr.
Okona, you were welcomed aboard|without undue investigation.
It was assumed that you did not come|under false pretences.
But it seems that you may have done.
If you mean my socialising|with the members of the crew Mr.
Okona, you are free to socialise|with the members of my crew.
I'm talking|about a man named Debin.
From Atlec.
|I know some of his family.
Perhaps you can explain why|he is threatening to attack us - unless I give him custody of you.
|- I can't.
Then tell me why Kushell of Straleb|is demanding the same thing.
- He's here also?|- And quite adamant.
Mr.
Okona,|what crimes are you accused of? - I am not a criminal.
|- Why do these men want you? - I can't say.
|- They're threatening to attack.
- That's mad.
They'd have no chance.
|- Right.
So you can offer no reason why they|are set on this provocative course? I can't think of one right now.
On viewer.
- Which ship?|- What? The first one.
Capt Debin.
Captain, let me ask you again,|what are Okona's crimes? That is not your concern.
- It is if you wish him released.
|- Alright.
You want to know what he did, why I|have chased him across this system? This is his crime.
He dishonoured my daughter.
He took advantage of her, then|left her carrying his bastard child.
He'll return|and do the right thing, or I'll hunt him|through the galaxy.
Captain's log, supplemental.
Some of the mystery surrounding|this ancient morality play has been revealed.
One of Capt Okona's pursuers|is an outraged father with a heartfelt,|if arcane, sense of righteousness.
Your advice, Counsellor.
We are dealing with ancient codes|involving procreation.
They are meaningless to us,|but to Debin they represent honour.
He will fight, risking himself, his crew,|his daughter and her unborn child.
Your Counsellor's right.
|He will fight.
The other Captain|is demanding to be heard.
I don't suppose you have any idea|why this man wants you? Let's put all this together.
Lt Worf, multiple image,|full conference mode.
- Let them all see each other.
|- Yes, sir.
Here you are, Debin,|trying to save this criminal.
- My purpose is not your concern.
|- It is if it involves Okona.
Gentlemen, please,|let's try and resolve this matter.
Capt Kushell, what crime|has Okona allegedly committed? He is a thief.
He stole the Jewel|of Thesia, a national heritage.
A thing.
An item.
My case involves the victimisation|of my daughter, and my honour.
- I'll have Okona now.
|- He is mine! One at a time.
|Who accuses me of stealing? - My son Benzan and I.
|- Father, please.
- He used you to become my friend.
|- He used my daughter.
He used my son|to plunder a national treasure.
Mute.
Terminate communications.
|Come with me.
Captain, you can't be afraid of them.
No.
They couldn't hurt|the Enterprise.
My predicament is you.
I'm sorry my ship broke down.
|I'm sorry you're involved.
But you're right.
|Whatever happens, someone gets hurt.
- If I go to Kushell, Debin fights.
|- If you go to Debin, the same.
I wish I could - I wish I could make it easier.
|- I'm sure you do.
I won't apologise for the way I am|or how I live my life.
But I did not steal|the Jewel of Thesia.
I am not a criminal, Captain.
As to the other business, that's between me and Yanar,|no one else.
In truth, I do not have authority|in this matter.
I am not your judge,|nor is it my duty to arbitrate.
But you are in my custody,|which creates a dilemma.
How about this? Do what you said,|fix my guidance system and let me go.
According to regulations,|that is what I should do.
But their ships are faster than|yours.
I'm doing you no favour.
Captain, with all due respect,|that's not your concern.
Besides, I can take care of myself.
You're quite a craftsman,|Lt La Forge.
How soon? What's the rush?|I thought you liked it here.
I did.
It stopped liking me.
|Time to disappear.
- Where will you go?|- What? - I said, where will you go?|- A new place, if I make it.
- Don't you ever stay anywhere?|- Not for long.
I couldn't be like that.
I mean, always being alone.
Cmdr Riker says|you choose to live this way.
Is that what he said? Yeah.
It would be difficult for me|to be leaving all the time.
I'd miss my friends,|the people I love.
I guess leaving's|gotten easy for you.
- I seem to use up a place.
|- I wasn't talking about a place.
I know what you were talking about.
It's ready.
You should be able|to install it in five minutes.
Like you said, Geordi,|what's the rush? I have some friends around here.
|I think it's time to make a stand.
Mr.
Okona.
Captain, I've decided not to leave.
- But I'm not staying either.
|- What are your plans? I've decided to surrender myself.
- To which one?|- There's really only one option.
Viewer on.
Gentlemen, communicating|like this is very distracting.
I suggest we beam you up,|and we resolve this face to face.
- Excellent.
|- Agreed.
Leave your weapons behind.
|Keep this civilised.
Number One, take the bridge.
Counsellor, accompany me|to deck 14 conference room.
- Worf, see to our guests.
|- Aye, sir.
They have no weapons.
This way.
Okona, you are without shame.
For once, I agree with Debin.
|You are without shame.
I trusted you.
|My son treated you like a brother.
And then to steal from us.
|I want him now.
No, he's coming with me.
My complaint was registered first.
Now, please, be calm.
Lieutenant, thank you.
Everyone is talking about me,|not to me.
You all believe|that I stole the jewel.
- And that I fathered the child.
|- You dare call my daughter a liar.
Now I'm offered these two choices,|and given these two options, .
.
condemnation as a thief,|or marriage to the beautiful Yanar.
I will take|the more pleasant sentence.
- I will take Yanar as my wife.
|- No, you can't.
- You can't escape that way.
|- I don't mean that.
It's not up to you, nor to Okona.
I've been dishonoured.
I will decide.
Wait.
Since all of you believe|Okona is the father, then so be it.
- I'll marry you.
|- No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
- Okona is still a thief.
|- No, he's not.
Nothing has been stolen.
The jewel has been taken|into custody by its rightful heir.
Me.
I was to give it to Yanar|as our pledge of marriage.
Marriage? Yanar is carrying my child.
You said it was Okona's.
If I'd told you it was Benzan, you would have gone to war|with his father.
- I let you think it was Okona.
|- See how I get a reputation? If I had said|I was giving the jewel to Yanar, - you'd have disowned me.
|- Now we're hearing truth.
So you let me chase Okona|when you knew he was innocent? Yes.
I didn't think for one moment|that you could catch him.
He never would have.
Once Yanar accepted the jewel|the marriage would have been made.
- Well, I never got it.
|- Then Okona does have the jewel.
I never had the chance|to deliver it.
Anyway, it's too late.
|I won't marry Benzan.
- Then you'll marry Okona.
|- I won't marry anyone! I have reinstated the same program.
With some new jokes, I hope.
Program complete.
Enter when ready.
Comic, continue.
More freebies? No cover,|no minimum, just "Comic, continue"? What happened, Data? - I told a joke.
|- And? - No one laughed.
|- Nobody in the whole room? I was the whole room.
- She said I spoiled the joke.
|- "Killed" is a better word.
You should always|try out new material on an audience.
He could be right.
|Perhaps that's what you need.
Computer, program an audience|appropriate to this venue.
Yanar.
You're angry at the embarrassment|of all this.
Maybe the timing|is not the most romantic, but I know you love Benzan.
I don't|want to see you throw that away just because your parents|have been quarrelling for years and don't know|how to behave properly.
I've carried your messages|for almost six months, smuggled you to see each other.
You feel for him|the same way he feels for you.
I do love you.
It is your child.
Our child.
- Marry me.
|- Yes.
We'll find a new planet to live on.
You'll live on Straleb.
No.
You'll live on Atlec.
I will not have this man|raising my grandson.
The rest of this|is to be settled between yourselves.
- Excuse us.
We have business.
|- Thank you, Captain.
- Your grandson?|- My grandson.
Thank you.
Thanks for coming, folks.
We got a great show|for you tonight.
I'm so excited.
Tonight I have|the funny man of the stars, the android of antics,|that lieutenant commander of mirth.
Please give him a nice welcome,|none other than He's just the best Data! Evening, ladies and germs.
I come from a town so small,|we had a fraction for a zip code.
- You made a living doing this?|- Yes.
It was so small, we didn't have a|godfather of crime, we had a nephew.
I was so ugly, they hung|a pork chop around my neck .
.
so the dog would play with me.
Then there was the human cannonball, who was hired and fired|in the same night.
Audience program off.
Discontinue comic.
It was a holodeck audience,|programmed to laugh at everything.
I could reprogram the audience|to display a more accurate response.
Data, let me give you one.
Being able to make people laugh,|or being able to laugh, is not the be-all of being human.
No.
But there is nothing more|uniquely human.
Hold your speed, Capt Okona.
|Disengage.
Separated.
I'm under my own power now.
|Thank you.
- Thank you, Capt Picard.
|- Goodbye, Capt Okona.
Bye, Capt Okona.
- Say goodbye, Data.
|- Goodbye, Data.
Was that funny? Accessing.
Burns and Allen,|Roxy Theater, New York City, 1932.
It still works.
Heard about the girl in the nudist|colony that nothing looked good on? We're ready to leave, sir.
Take my Worf.
Please.
- Warp speed, sir?|- Please.