Stath Lets Flats (2018) s02e04 Episode Script

PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Hi, yeah, this is Lara.
We have a viewing at 22 Wariday.
Are you nearby?
Uh, no.
I mean, yes.
Er Wait one second.
PHONE BEEPS
Oh, my God. It's like they literally
don't know what their job is.
Pricks.
Kelly, hello.
Bloody hell.
HE LAUGHS
Erm Sorry I'm late.
I got stuck in the queue for the shops.
I just saw you come out of the house.
Are the shops in there?
Probably not.
The thing about this flat is,
it's not filling me
with very nice things to look at.
That's done to keep you away from the door.
Why they trying to perm a lampshade?
That's too hard.
This is a bit too thin for my liking.
That's dirty. Look at this drawer.
Oh, and it comes all the way out.
And it's full of wood.
Two of these. Look, two of those.
And bloody two weights on the floor.
What is it? Two o'clock?
You put that in the corner. Oh!
It's going knock that against
the bloody wall, isn't it?
And it goes where it wants.
See, it's knocked into your leg there.
I don't like it. Well, lucky you're
not going to be living here, so
I'm not living here.
Yeah, that's a picture of me and
my sister cuddling in a field.
Why the hell do they
want to put that in here?
This place is damn caca.
I'm sorry it wasn't for your liking anyway.
Are you all right?
Oh, sorry, why do you keep saying that?
We really like it and we need
somewhere to move quickly.
So, is it still available to move today,
tomorrow?
Oh, come off.
So, yes? Yeah, yeah.
Great. Let me just, er, get my work bag.
You've signed that, yeah?
Well done. Yeah, great. Thank you.
Here's the keys. Thank you.
Hey! Oh, my God! God.
Jesus Christ.
That's That's not on!
Oh, my God.
Do you want to not live here now?
Cos of that?
Trust me, yeah? You know in films
where, like, a thing explodes with fire,
and a person, like,
flies through the air from it, yeah?
When I saw the sticks on fire,
I was so worried that was
going to happen to me.
Butit didn't.
Oh. Oh, oh, my God, that is Yeah.
I mean, who the hell would go
around charring like that, you know?
I mean, you could have burnt your head,
your mouth.
I mean, it sounds like a
Fine, it sounds fine.
Lovely speed, Sophie. Watch her fly!
Oi! New life in my body. Sorry, Carole.
You're replacing the signs.
That is brave work. Wow.
Yeah, Carole said I have to
fling water on the fire too,
but I swear that's not even health or safe.
I couldn't do that alone. I'd be terrified.
Sophie, can you stop flirting? Do the signs.
Oh, bye, Al.
Is she going to be OK?
I mean, whoever has done this
could have more than fire.
A blade or brick.
A fire, blade or a brick.
Is it a computer game character?
It's probably just some wrong 'un fat kids,
having a laugh with a Zippo.
Sorry. Did you see the sticks? No, OK.
The fire was much higher than children are.
Read some science.
Oh, I beg you all, shut up.
It could have been anyone.
We're a shit lettings agency.
No-one doesn't hate us.
It could have been me. I hate us.
Why are we all still here?
We should be hiding, innit?
Let's go to Leicester Square,
catch a flick or something.
You're such a wuss.
You're actually very meagre
for such a bid wad, aren't you?
Oh, I'm sorry. Well, someone in this office
is going to have be meagre, OK?
So, what, when your baby's born,
you're not even going to be scared
for it's life? Oh, charming, Al.
Oh, yeah, cos that's what everyone
looks for in a dad, isn't it, fear?
Not a problem for you though, is it?
Cos you're not going to be a dad ever,
cos you're a shame on legs.
How'd your viewing go today, Stath?
Oh, yeah. Excuse me. No, thank you.
Carole's pregnant, sir!
Shut up. Oi! You got rice on my laptop, man!
Was that rice?
Oh, damn it.
Oh, my God, Sophie, are you OK?
Sophie's not here, you mad perv!
Who was that? They took all the keys.
Rice, man, fuck!
I told you it wasn't children.
Look, he had a long hat on.
Does anybody know someone
who wears a long hat?
Does anybody recognise them, their body?
God, I'm so bad with bodies.
I swear, man, if he'd just been,
like, very slow,
I'd have whacked him
within length of something.
He was slow. You did bugger all.
Yes, we did.
Al did a lovely little dig in there.
It was like watching a bloody
dancer in a bloody West End play.
I got a hand to him, but then he
pulled a move and then he escaped.
Right, can all the men be quiet now?
This is very murky.
He took the keys,
it's got all the addresses next to it.
We need to sort this out.
There's rice in the fucking headphone thing.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Vasos.
How the hell? How are you doing?
Oh.
All of the planks is burning, innit? Hmm?
It's so bad. Someone done ours too.
Oh, my God, innit? That one's burning, look.
Oh, dear.
You using sparkling water?
That's exclusive drink, man.
I got a big Lilt in my car.
Do you?
That's tropical style, innit?
You're quite posh, though.
How come you're doing the planks?
Planks? Do you mean, sticks?
Do you call them sticks?
I call them planks.
I just go sticks.
SHE GIGGLES
Are you from American Let's?
I love that name.
It always makes me think of, like, cool.
Yeah, America's too sick, man.
I get too excited any
time I hear about America.
Last year, my brother, Stath,
told me some things about New York City
and I got a headache.
That's crazy, man, that's live.
Oh, is that guy Stath your brother, yeah?
Oh, yeah.
I like that guy. A lot of respect.
Thanks.
What's your name, though?
Cos my name is called Sophie.
I'm called Cem.
Well, thanks for everything, Sophie.
Thanks, Cem.
Yes, bruv, rice at my laptop.
At the laptop,
who's going to throw a laptop at rice?
Hang on, what, you just did nothing?
Not even a little one-two?
Come, Stath, you need to one-two.
They stole the keys.
They had a mask hat on.
It could have been anyone.
What if it was, like, a old friend?
Why is this happening?
I was at home enjoying
cooking chickens with Stephen.
Well, stay home with bloody
Steve and chickens then.
We're calling the damn po-po Policemen.
All right, grass, telling teacher.
We're going to deal with this ourselves,
right?
Yes, Stathy, no police.
I have £75 hiding on the ceiling.
How is it hiding?
Also, it's just fucking Smethwicks.
They're still chewing me for leaving.
When I was with them,
we used to do this silly
shit to you lot all the time.
Which silly shits did he do with me?
You know, just chuck piss in there,
whatever.
Like a little tumbler of it. Oh, ho-ho-ho.
Well, the carpet already stank terribly
from when I spilt loads and
loads of milk on it, OK?
And don't be so proud.
If it's going to be another agency,
it's going to be a dirty tut one,
like American Let's.
Oh, my God, I bet it's American Let's.
Trust me
No, not them.
It's the smoky ones. Smoky ones.
Stop shouting smoky ones.
Bloody smoky! I said on the phone.
Alistair? Oh, I think he means Vape Estates.
Yeah, they're like a hybrid agency
and Vasos doesn't approve. Sorry.
How the hell did you understand that?
Oh, Vasos calls me at night sometimes,
for a chat. It's nice.
I would love you to do that with me.
Oh, God.
Look,
if the big man says it's these Vape clowns
then that's what we're doing, OK?
Let's have a word with Vape Estates.
Is it, yeah? OK.
Well, they best lock up their
laptops cos I'm going to switch.
Ooh. Yes!
Oh, yeah, I might switch too actually.
And I'm going to switch. Are you, Alastair?
No, I don't think I'm going to switch.
Yeah, I fancy it. I love a vape, yeah.
You, railing, cancel this arvo's viewings
and order me some Maki-Maki
for when I get back.
Make sure there's chopsticks.
Ask for big chopsticks.
Yeah. OK? OK. Right. Let's bounce!
# She said, baby boy,
why you lookin' grimy as shit?
# I make the wristwatch
full of diamond fill my sink
# If I got colours on my neck,
what would my mama think?
# We cut the record, took time,
let's make these boys extinct #
OK, Dad, when we go in there,
I'm really going to smash them up.
Is that OK? Is that OK?
What, you're going to ask them that
before you smash them up, are you?
Why I would ask them that? Pathetic.
Ooh! You got some fire in you.
God, I hope your fella can hold his own.
Christ!
What, Clerk? Oh, you're joking, aren't you?
I call him a berk
and he just trots off to bed.
He can't handle nothing. That's a shame.
I can handle everything.
And so, when we get in there,
nobody do anything.
Trust me, innit?
Watch, you won't even see me.
You'll just hear
"What's What's that?"
Kak!
And then you'll look
and everybody will be scrabbling
onto each other for dear life.
All right. I beg you lot drop
me off so I can get some rice.
As soon as I walk in I'm going
to push someone over, watch.
Oh, ow!
I nipped my trouser on the flap.
Go on, Stath.
I am going on.
Hi.
Are you lot here for a viewing or vape?
Wouldn't you like to know?
What? Viewing or what? What is this shop?
We do vapes and we do flats.
I was busy selling vapes,
and my brother was doing lettings.
And we didn't really get to
see each other somerging it.
I'm not interested in your story!
Just cos it's a nice story,
you think you can distract me with it?
Shut up!
Who are you?
I'm the big boy that you stole my keys.
Give them to me back.
What, you lot got your keys jacked?
We just had our keys jacked.
My brother's gone out to
find them with a spike.
He's going to batter them with it.
With a spike? Yeah.
Why did you think it was us, sorry?
Huh? Yeah.
Well, because my dad, yeah,
actually had a very strong
feeling about something.
What was it? Because of all the smoke.
That's not a reason though, is it?
I'm looking.
Right, off to Smethwick's then, is it?
Suck 'em up!
Argh!
SOPHIE: # Loving all over England.
# Loving all over Wales.
# Loving all over Scotland and Wembley
# That's British love
# Love is gay and love is gay. #
Hello, again.
You weren't singing last
time and you are this time.
Sometimes, I want to sing and
sometimes I just like talking.
Well, you should always sing.
Cos you sound like a fucking, er, bird.
Oh.
You finished with that plank?
What? Oh, sticks.
No. Have you done all your sticks?
What? No, I got to go now.
Bye.
What?
Don't. Oh, my God!
No!
What you doing, man?
That's someone's else's sticks.
Oh, my God, how am I lying? You are.
I didn't even say you were lying,
but you're lying.
I'm not. I'm saying I'm doing fire,
so I didn't ever lie to ya.
Sorry.
Hey!
So, my boss, Bits, yeah,
he wanted to do, like,
a scary fire joke with you lot.
He thinks it's so funny.
Fire's not even a funny joke, though, is it?
That's risking my life.
I was gonna call 999.
It's not even my style of humour, man.
I just like every day normal jokes,
knock-knock, doctor or whatever.
Is people annoyed? Yeah.
When my brother saw the fire,
he said he thought he was going to die.
That's so annoying.
Cos I think he's so, so sick.
I watched him driving around
in his car the other day,
and it made me smile, man.
Will you tell your brother I'm sorry to God?
All right.
Yeah, but it's well naughty.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Fire.
Roar.
You sound like a fire as well.
Hey, Robbie.
Is that wee?
Yeah.
And we're going to throw it in your office.
Can you open the door, please?
All right.
But don't.
All right, Dad.
Let's do this.
Oh, no, that's going to tear my
trouser if I pull it further.
Wait, wait, don't.
Robbie, mate.
This is it?
Right, Mackie, Mackie, chop sticks.
Still hitting the Mackie.
You better hope I don't take my
trousers off and come over there.
Dad, can you help me with this, please?
Oh, my gosh.
This is my firm now, yeah?
You want to burn our signs,
you want to nick our keys,
chuck piss,
I'll happily touch your eyes with these.
Happily.
Do you know what?
I can't be doing with touching eyes.
Yeah, it gets me a bit burpy,
that sort of thing, yeah.
It's you guys that are nicking the
keys and burning all the signs.
That's why I was going to get you with piss.
You're fucking lying.
I'm not.
I can't believe I wasn't involved in that.
I really wanted to be part of that.
Oh, that is a long tear now.
Stath, you know that big boy,
Cem, from American Let's?
What, that fool with a big drink?
Who's always smiling at me
when I'm in my car, why?
He told me to tell you that it's
them that's doing the nicking
and the burning.
He feels well bad.
But I said, "OK, then."
What, American Let's?
God.
OK, so it's not yous lot.
Who am I throwing rice at today?
Remember earlier,
when I said it was American Let's?
Well, guess who got it right?
Me.
No, I'm pointing for you to say me, Stath.
Stath. Stath. American Let's.
My cousin works there.
How's he going throw grain at me?
All right, Caz.
Phone the other agencies, yeah?
We're all going to go down there.
They best buck up.
Right, on it.
Who's got Chigby Estates mob, then?
I'm going to switch on them.
Dad. Can everyone just remember
that I've got it right at the top.
For just a second, everybody say, "We did it?
We did it.
"Stath got it right."
"We did it, we did it."
Stath got it right.
No-one's joining in with that.
Can everyone join in with that?
Stath got it right.
Is this getting a bit crazy, Al?
Yeah,
I actually just overheard an agent say that
he was furious about the keys.
So, yeah, it's getting heavy.
Wait, wait, they are all agents?
Hi. Anthony Stappan.
Hi. Work for Anthony Stappan Rentals.
Did they take your keys as well?
Oh, no, I'm good. I've got all mine here.
Why are you touching my face with it?
I thought I'd come down and
see what everyone's up to,
you know, just get the lay of the land.
I hear that Michael and
Eagle are a furnishing
Give us the keys back, simple bollocks.
Come cuff me, innit? Come on, then.
What, what? You saying you got me?
You got me.
STATH: Care boys. Danger.
Think about it first a little bit.
Come outside.
Don't break the shop.
Bruv, I knew it was you!
Well, I'm going to smack your teeth, bruv.
Come outside, bring your rice.
You didn't know it was me.
I was wearing a cover.
Was good though, yeah?
Bits,
I told you they don't think it's a laugh.
Shut up, Cem. Could you not get the joke,
man? It's fire, innit?
Gently, mate.
Act gently or they won't give us the keys
if we're scratching the shop.
Sophie, tell your turkey
boyfriend give us the keys back.
Well, don't say turkey about people.
Go on, Robbie, do it, do it.
It's a coat.
It's not even chilly.
Oh, he's coming out. He's coming out.
You lot actually don't get the joke?
What joke?
You lot are all rich and stuff, innit?
And now you're,
"Where are my keys?" I can't find my keys!"
Is that an impression of us?
It doesn't sound like us.
Maybe just chuck the spike at them.
Dad, stop doing that.
You're going to break your shoe.
Smack the car, Sophia.
What's he kicking the car for?
Dad! It's rude, innit?
Dad, shut up smacking the car.
The keys are in the shop.
Oh, you off, you? Going to get
your trousers fixed or something?
No, I was just going to have a think.
I wasn't leaving.
Oh, yeah.
Can we focus on the shop?
It's lovely, lovely stuff.
Stath, stop everyone.
Say something. Kick!
What?
Sorry,
I didn't know you'd be quiet from that.
Thank you.
Look, it's just keys, innit?
I swear it's quite nice to have
a break from keys, isn't it?
All of us every bloody day,
our whole life, keys, keys, keys.
We all do the same thing, innit?
I don't even know any of you lot.
I swear that's got to be silly, right?
I mean, glory lord,
everyone else doesn't like us.
So,
isn't it that we should try to get on or chat
or something or whatever?
I'm not setting out to be your best friend,
but, like, I'm not going to be
calling you every night, every day.
I get enough of that from the tenants.
I'm Anthony Stappan.
Anthony Stappan Rentals.
Oh, Carole, Carole Collins.
This is going to sound weird but, right,
we all got our viewings
cancelled this afternoon.
Why don't we all go for
a bloody drink and relax,
maybe get a pint of the old Irish beer?
I'll tell you what,
we spend enough time with each other,
we'll probably let each other a flat.
Knowing us. Knowing us.
I'm sorry I lied to you.
Well, don't like us, just give us the keys.
Thank you very much.
Whose are these?
Sorry, why's everyone listening
to Stath for the first time?
They trashed all our shit.
What, everyone's just going to be like,
going for a drink?
Right, fair point, fair Point, Dean,
how about we allow to smash
one other thing of theirs.
And then that's even and
we can drink a drink.
Yeah.
No! No! I told them! I told them!
Actually, guys, guys,
Anthony Stappan Rentals.
I've got a viewing right near here.
Do you mind if we go en route?
That was a bit of a roller coaster,
wasn't it?
Yeah, it was so scary.
I thought I was going to shit myself.
God, yeah.
I thought I was going to shit myself.
Did Stath say you had a
This is Cem. He's very sorry.
And yeah.
Hi. I'm sorry about the fires.
That's all right. Are you OK?
Yeah.
Cos you look like one sick guy.
No, yeah, I mean, I Yes,
I'm really sick and so are you.
Guys, sorry, no, he didn't want it.
Aw.
I know. I know.
Someone said,
they didn't want one from me once and all.
Let's just go, come on.
Mug.
Do we think we'll be up for that?
I'm Anthony Stappan.
Anthony Stappan Rentals.
You taking the piss?
Don't say that again.
Cem, am I still on it?
Course.
Might be hard if I tickle your feet,
though, innit?
No, don't tickle me, no.
Don't tickle me, no, don't tickle me.
Dean-o, we're going to have
some poppers go on that slide,
do you want it? No, I'm a good guy.
I actually haven't had a sniff yet.
I don't have any friends.
Why am I at a funfair,
rolling deep with the
biggest dickheads in the UK?
They're a lot of fiddlers, aren't they?
Fiddling around in our lives.
So, they can fiddle off.
Fuck off.
One Mississippi went to market.
No, Cem.
Come on, Anthony.
Come on, mate.
Oh, were you just on that too, were you?
Did you hear me effing and blinding?
I was shouting at a skeleton.
Oh, yeah.
Look, I just want to say I'm sorry
that I gave you shit earlier, OK?
You usually deserve it,
but you've actually been quite sweet today.
So, can you stop clicking?
Yeah, you made me feel good.
The truth is, I'm having a bit of
a murky time ATM with Clerk and
Oh, poo, poo.
Yeah, I'm sad. So, you know.
I shouldn't have said you'd be a crap dad.
I'm sure you'll be a loud, but fine, dad.
Thank you.
What, to a son, yeah?
Maybe call him Vade.
I don't know, sorry.
Anyway, I'll see you later.
No, sorry, no, don't go.
Everyone's been saying nice comments.
I don't how to
..do you want to have a car crash?
# Across the evening sky
# All the birds are leaving
# But how can they know
# It's time for them to go?
# Before the winter fire #
I swear to God, if you bump me.
Right. Bro, I swear to God.
Come back.
Get out your car.
Go away.
I'm not acting in any way.
If you're going to tell me off,
you've got to tell the child off.
Carole! I was fancying Carole!
I don't know why it's
supposed to be so hard.
You never come off if you
just do it my clinging anyway.
You were amazing.
The queen of the cow.
Yeah, she was sick.
It's my turn now.
No, I'm going next, thank you.
Well, good luck, bro.
Woo, Al.
You have to take your hands
out of your pocket, bro.
I'm protecting them.
I organised this whole special day, man,
and you're kicking me out of my day.
Al, tell him I'm not naughty, innit?
Whoa. Whoa.
Al, take your hands out of your pockets,
man.
You can look cool later. Be safe.
Whoa.
There's a good girl, there's a good girl.
There's a good girl.
Woo, Al.
You should get a photo of
yourself leaning against it.
Oh, no.
Do you think so? Yeah.
Oh, she was very kind to me.
Say, "Al".
Oh, my God, he landed on his eyes.