Stephen Fry: Gadget Man (2012) s02e04 Episode Script
Summer Holiday
1 Hello, viewer.
This is the voice of Richard Ayoade welcoming you to Gadget Man where I'm authorised to celebrate some of the world's best gadgets.
What?!This is an espresso maker.
You are kidding! It's microwaveableIt's going straight in my suitcase.
And I'll introduce you to the most amazing and bizarre technology from around the world.
Yeah? You know what? I like it cos it's gadgety.
There is something about that that is so satisfying.
This time, I'm specifically targeting travel and holiday gadgets.
I wasn't happy on the beach OK.
But now I am.
You look great as well.
So, before ado is in any way furthered, let's tool up and get down to business.
Summer holidays are an assault on good sense.
A gross slush of stress, heat, and brine.
What is the earthly point? Well, that was a disaster.
Have you heard the phrase, "I'll need a holiday to get over this holiday"? Of course you have.
It's a dreadful cliche.
But that's exactly what I've been doing.
I'm now on my 17th holiday, I'm increasingly tired and my bank balance is in disarray.
Something must be done.
I'll just, er Sorry.
Perhaps gadgets can be my passport to a stress-free holiday.
To test this, I'm going to head to the South of France with Noel Fielding, an avowed technophobe and owner of hair, to see if gadgets can be the key to that rarest of things, a holiday that isn't rubbish.
On a short trip, I will normally pack a toothbrush and some animal magnetism, but for this particular trip, I'm going to need some luggage.
This claims to be one of the toughest suitcases on the market, not simply emotionally, but also in terms of its ability to withstand impact.
So I'm going to throw it off a balcony NOW.
There you go.
A staggering display.
But I demand a suitcase that minimises physical exertion.
Could this member of the suitcase family be the answer? It has this rather clever handle which, when you extend it, puts 85% of the suitcase's weight over the wheels making it much easier to carry.
Look as I glide like an elegant swan.
And if you're having difficulties pulling it up a hill, an electric motor kicks in to aid you.
One last shirt to fold.
The infernally fiddly business of packing.
This contraption has special ventilating holes to eliminate static cling.
Folding more neatly also means you can pack more.
You know my rep, if I see convention, I must eschew it.
So, I can't travel to the airport by conventional means, I will be travelling in this, the Monotracer, one of only 49 in the world, driven by Captain Chuckles here.
Half car, half bike, this two-seater is arguably the world's most energy efficient high-performance vehicle.
Thanks to its ultra-low aerodynamic drag, it can accelerate to 60 in just four secs.
Immediately after departure, a dreadful anxiety claws at my insides.
Will I be violated by hoodlum burglars? Luckily, I can use this smartphone to deploy a smoke screen, which means that if any intruder is foolhardy enough to enter my premises while I'm away, if it detects anyone, it will fill the room with thick, grey smoke.
Once again, I must endure the thrumming tedium of the departure lobby, where I'm meeting my holiday companion, male comedian Noel Fielding.
Hi.
Unbelievable.
Late.
How are you? I'm furious.
I'm furious.
Don't touch me.
Don't come near me.
I was strip-searched for two hours.
If you look like this, you get hassle going through security.
If you look like Bianca Jagger? Yeah.
On the wedding, yeah.
It's no good.
Airports are a pain, though, aren't they? I couldn't agree more.
Being Cases Ugh!Ugh! I haveA solution? I've gotThey call you the "Solution", don't they? The "Solution Haver".
Look at this.
It's a stuffer jacket.
What this does is you can put a load of stuff in the pockets.
Hence, "stuffer".
And it means that you can carry all of your luggage on your person.
No more waiting in queues to check in bags.
This is what they claim will fit in this jacket.
Look at that.
You're completely within your right to board the plane and say, there's nothing wrong here.
Yep.
It's pretty good.
What do you reckon?I think it's good.
What have you got there?Check this.
This is re-timer glasses.
This fires a green light into your eyes to reset your sleep balance.
Wow!You just have to wear them for 35 to 50 mins day.
And you will never feel jet-lagged again, it claims.
How's that? You look like Will.
I.
Am.
The thing is, I just feel right in this stuff.
Now, the last thing is the Stadium Pal.
It is the freedom to urinate whenever you wish, however you wish into a pipe and into a bag.
From here on out, you can urinate at a time that suits you, rather than when the so-called pilot says you can.
This allows you to urinate up to 1,000 mls because I know that you are a powerful urinator.
When you urinate, it's like a riot hose.
I know this.
This sort of goes here.
I think that goes at the bottom and then the other thing attaches to And it's sticky as well so there's no way that The Frenchmen had better watch themselves.
When they see this coming at them, they're going to know That's right.
Come on, let me pick you up a ã15 sandwich.
OK.
Ladies.
Perhaps the most feared and tiring aspect of any summer holiday is the flight.
But we are going to employ a stack of gadge to make this flight a delight-flight.
One of the things that flies you into a rage Gets me really furious.
.
.
gets you wound up, is people leaning their seats back.
Uh! The animals! Unbelievable.
Disgusting.
Look at this.
The knee defender.
Wow! You take one of these fellows, put the seat tray down, engage the knee defender thus and thus.
This customer is going nowhere.
You cannot move that.
He cannot move his chair back.
That is amazing.
Also, this is a matter that we'll have to bring up sooner or later, I know that you have the lower bowel of a small hippopotamus.
This is the flatulence absorber.
This has got the surface area in terms of carbon filtration of five football fields.
Really? Believe me, you're going to need this because this plane is out of control.
Also, if doesn't just suck up your own fart, it sucks up I notice it sucking up a fart from a lady in row F.
It will suck a fart out of a man's trousers from 50 yards?Yeah.
Long gone are the days when I used to have to catch farts in my own hat.
My troubles are over.
The fart absorber.
I am taking this with me.
Come fly with me Let's fly, let's fly away With a whole HOUR to kill before we touch down I whip out a gadget to help us cope with the boredom.
.
.
in far Bombay This game's console has a full seven-inch touch-screen and a detachable dual analogue joystick controller.
Come fly with me Take one.
I think the youth are going to love this.
Yes.
The little people.
Wikipad Plus can also be networked for a multiplayer experience.
OK.
I've got a highly dignified item for you now.
It's called the Snazzy Napper.
This is Zorro's one, isn't it? He's embroidered his name all over this.
Douglas Fairbanks Jr.
So you put that over Antonio Banderas.
.
.
you stick your nose through that and then there's a blanket.
And now, you're completely relaxed.
And you can fall asleep I tell you what, this is unbelievable.
Is that a snazzy nap? Are you snazzy napping, Noel? Noel? Come back to me.
Noel! Noel! I've got a cab booked for San Raphael.
I'm actually from here.
These are my people.
So, if you need me to do any translation for you, let me know.
Bonjour! Go on, what else have you got? Come on, get your gadget out.
That's right.
You've got a gadget for every This guy's "The Solution.
" I've got the "S" translator.
I can say anything into this and it will translate it for me.
"Will you drive us to our destination without attacking us?" GADGET PINGS OK.
"Nous conduire-vous a notre destina-shion "sans nous attaquer?" "Destina-zion".
OK.
Bien sure.
Thank you.
Er BOTH: Merci.
OK.
Let's get in the car.
It's always good to ask that before getting in any vehicle.
En va a la piscine alors? A la piscine.
This is horrendous.
It's so hot, it's horrible.
It's very hot.
Why do people I think people come here for the sun, don't they? If we could have lassoed the sun and brought it to England I wouldn't have had to make this trip.
So you think if it was hotter in England people would stay there? People wouldn't even leave.
I'm not sure that's true.
Are you saying this scenery is superior to Southend? How dare you! How dare you! The thing Noel's just said made me think of the thing I'm about to say right about now.
There must be a way to stay in England but bring the weather to England, and I've just had an idea which will confirm me as one of the most foremost thinkers of my age.
Using the power of gadgets, I'm going to bring the South of France to Southend, starting with the sun.
Yes, you heard me, I said the word "with".
Hello, Anthony.
What I would like you to do so that I never have to travel again, is to build the sun.
The sun? Anything is possible, Richard, but there are going to be a few issues.
Anthony, if you're going to give me static over this I don't have time.
I don't want to pull rank, Anthony, but I need you to build the sun within a week.
Otherwise you're fired.
Within a week? And you know the redundancy terms I offer are not very good.
Unbelievable.
Coming up:Come on.
Let's go! Let's hit the beach.
Yeah, who are you? David Hasselhoff? Noel and I test out the latest in seaside technology.
I wasn't happy on the beach, but now I am.
You look great as well.
And I bring St Tropez to Southend.
It's actually really boiling.
It's so hot.
'I've been looking at gadgets that can help make going on holiday 'a more pleasurable experience.
' The freedom to urinate whenever you wish, however you wish.
'And I've just used my head to have a thought.
' What I would like you to do, so that I never have to travel again, is to build the sun.
'And that thought is to recreate the south of France in Southend!' 'Before Noel and I head to the beach, I'm asking some genuine 'French people to try out the latest in waterproof audio technology.
'Check that boom box.
It's called the Ecoterra, a fully waterproof 'speaker system that encases your smartphone or MP3 player.
'And this revolutionary underwater personal hi-fi 'doesn't play music through your ears, 'it beams sound waves through your cheekbones instead.
'The Ion Water Rocker uses Bluetooth to transmit 'tunes from an MP3 docked on dry land, to its watertight 'ball-shaped speaker from as far away as 100 metres.
'Now I address the French in their native tongue.
' Thank you for testing these objects.
What did you think of them? So my favourite is Neptune because the sound is very clear.
For me, I prefer this one.
In the water, the sound is amazing.
Did you like the Ecoterra?The volume is good.
Yes! Good volume.
I think it's better than the Water Rocker.
It pains me to hear that anything is better than the Water Rocker! So, the one you like best was Neptune?Yes, Neptune.
Sure.
OK, well this is good news.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
'My poolside research is complete, but my journey continues.
' Come on, let's go.
Let's hit the beach.
Hit the beach? Who are you? David Hasselhoff?I'm like a younger, better looking Hasselhoff.
No-one is better looking than Hasselhoff.
That's true! What's this?This is the solar electric scooter, OK? It's solar powered.
Amazing! OK, so let's get going.
Well, I say that Am I coming with you? You're not, although it can accommodate two people.
It's a tandem.
I prefer to go solo.
Why? Because of balance and also because I don't like being touched by you.
Great(!)See you down there.
Thanks, Mr Gadget.
What's wrong with you, gadget head? I'm not happy.
Why not? I'm on the beach, that's why not.
The beach is a great fun place.
It's a disgusting collection of ground down sedimentary rock.
I know but you've got to make the best of it.
I mean look at me, I'm a Goth, how do you think I feel? I'm all exposed.
Look at the Minox, yeah?Wow! It monitors the UV light.
Wow.
It tells you when to reapply sunscreen.
Really?That's right! What's this you're sitting on? I'm sitting on the Loungepac while you're on your tiny little red towel from the '60s.
It's a good colour though, isn't it? I'm on the Loungepac.
Arthur Lay lent me this.
I've got speakers.
Wow.
Either side.
What for, Stravinsky? Yes, so I can put in Prokofiev whenever I need to get things a bit more Russian.
'It also has detachable drinks coolers.
'And, should you need to leave the beach in a hurry, 'the whole affair folds down into a portable suitcase on wheels.
' Look at your towel.
It's a disgrace, full of sand.
I've got sand all over it.
You've got bits.
That's why you need the sand mat, developed by the military.
How is this better than the towel? The sand goes through one way and can't come back up.
So, if you take some sand, it goes straight through? Not straight through.
Yeah.
OK.
That's the consumer test they wanted(!) What else have you got? What's this?Bam! Flat-pack, look at that, OK? And then All right, Robocop! I'll be honest, I like that.
Do you want to have a go?Yes.
I'm not sure how to put sun cream on with this but it's quite powerful.
I'll tell you how you're going to put sun cream on, you put sun cream on here.
On that pad? On this pad, and then you can apply it to your back.
I wasn't happy on the beach, but now I am.
You look great as well.
I'm going to go and see if I can make friends on the beach.
Yeah.
See you in a bit.
'I have one further significantly more impressive gadget to show Noel.
' Noel's going to love this.
What's this?I'm on the bbq-donut.
I can read! The bbq-donut! How's it working out for you? It's good.
Whoa!Whoa! One of the things that is not very good about being in the middle of the ocean is the inability to barbecue.
That you have no access to a barbecue.
You're out on the ocean, you're a little bit peckish.
You've not barbecued until you're seasick.
It's some of the best barbecuing you'll ever do.
'It's the brainchild of this man' Hey! '.
.
Sebastian Schmitt.
' Look at him, he's amazing.
A real man.
It's like Jason Statham has just hopped aboard.
'Constructed from thermo-resistant plastic to prevent its very 'hot charcoal BBQ from melting through the hull, 'its donut-shaped chassis seats up to eight meat-eaters.
' Are you ready for a ride, yes?I'm always ready for meat on the ocean.
You're not drunk, are you? OK.
I am.
Does that matter? 'Yes, gadgets have made this holiday slightly more bearable, 'but I'd still rather not have to travel at all, so I'm going to 'prove that there's no need to leave our shores ever again.
' 'Back at the Gadget Man workshop, my engineering staff are creating 'a phalanx of gadgets to help me do just that, 'including one uber-gizmo that seeks to replicate 'a ball of hot plasma interwoven with magnetic fields ie.
the sun.
'Bienvenue Southend!' Well, how the blazing dickens am I going to transform this humble piece of British beach into a Mediterranean paradise? Well, I know how.
The question was rhetorical because I have all of this.
I have my fan WHIRRING .
.
of near unearthly power.
40,000 revolutions per minute, generating an instant soothing coolness.
I also have an automatic suntan lotion dispenser, which measures the UV which I have absorbed and periodically will spray me with suntan lotion so that I may never be burnt to a crisp or cinder.
'To recreate the Riviera, I want to hurl my olfactory senses southwards 'to the sweet aromas of the Mediterranean.
' Let's be frank, Southend smells of Southend, which is pleasing, but it is an unmistakable odour.
Let's employ the smell machine, which I have here.
'This device was first designed for the US military 'to prepare soldiers for the smells of the battlefield.
' It comes with a smell menu.
I can choose such things as cheddar, fig BACKGROUND YELLING That's my uncle there who, erm, still owes me money.
I'm actually going to go for "Sea Marine" here.
It's a block of smell, condensed, and you drop it in this.
I put it on and I will close it and relax in the safe knowledge that my nasal cavities will be pleased from hereon in.
'And for my audio requirements, 'I'm listening to sounds through these smart speakers, 'which ensure my music won't disturb my fellow beach hounds.
' Now, of course I could listen to my music through headphones like all those other saps, but I have the Audio Spotlight which uses ultrasound to create a highly directional sound two metres either side and you can hear nothing.
Look at this.
MUSIC FADES OU Nothing.
MUSIC FADES IN AND OU Nothing.
MUSIC Yes, something.
My comfort is in hand.
There is only one thing missing, the thing that drives people from these shores year in, year out, the thing they're desperately in search of.
'Here comes the sun, and a Beatles reference 'suspended from the arm of a giant 50-foot crane.
'The sun, not the Beatles reference.
'This quarter-ton gadget sun's halogen lamps blast out '48,000 watts of light - twice as powerful as the real midday sun, 'instantly raising the ambient air temperature 'by five degrees centigrade.
'And although the actual sun is more impressive, 'it's not ordinarily available in Southend.
'A delight.
'No need to hang around in airports, remonstrate with cabin boys, 'or get your knees crushed by Finnish businessmen ever again.
' Well, it would seem churlish to keep this marvellous spectacle to myself so, I must, given that this is a public beach, allow the public onto it.
There goes the neighbourhood.
MUSIC: "Sunny" by Bobby Hebb The great thing about the artificial sun is that it never sets, allowing you to enjoy the discomfort of high temperatures long into the night.
'Though the eve has glided into night's glassy embrace, 'it's still 25 degrees under the gadget sun, 'and its tanning UV rays 'have set off the automated sun cream dispenser.
' The gadget sun was really cool, I was surprised about how much heat and light came out of it.
It's actually really boiling, it's actually so hot.
If I had the nice heat and weather, I would tan nicely so that would save me money on fake tan and money on going abroad so I kind of kill two birds with one stone.
'So, what have we all learnt this time? 'Yes, gadgets can make even a holiday abroad enjoyable, 'but it's better to bring the holiday to you, and, 'where possible, to construct a replica sun.
' I'm going to walk into the sea now and see what it does to me.
'Next time, I'll be looking at gadgets that can 'help take the blinking hassle out of home improvement.
' I love not falling.
I'm never happier than when I'm not falling to my death.
This is the voice of Richard Ayoade welcoming you to Gadget Man where I'm authorised to celebrate some of the world's best gadgets.
What?!This is an espresso maker.
You are kidding! It's microwaveableIt's going straight in my suitcase.
And I'll introduce you to the most amazing and bizarre technology from around the world.
Yeah? You know what? I like it cos it's gadgety.
There is something about that that is so satisfying.
This time, I'm specifically targeting travel and holiday gadgets.
I wasn't happy on the beach OK.
But now I am.
You look great as well.
So, before ado is in any way furthered, let's tool up and get down to business.
Summer holidays are an assault on good sense.
A gross slush of stress, heat, and brine.
What is the earthly point? Well, that was a disaster.
Have you heard the phrase, "I'll need a holiday to get over this holiday"? Of course you have.
It's a dreadful cliche.
But that's exactly what I've been doing.
I'm now on my 17th holiday, I'm increasingly tired and my bank balance is in disarray.
Something must be done.
I'll just, er Sorry.
Perhaps gadgets can be my passport to a stress-free holiday.
To test this, I'm going to head to the South of France with Noel Fielding, an avowed technophobe and owner of hair, to see if gadgets can be the key to that rarest of things, a holiday that isn't rubbish.
On a short trip, I will normally pack a toothbrush and some animal magnetism, but for this particular trip, I'm going to need some luggage.
This claims to be one of the toughest suitcases on the market, not simply emotionally, but also in terms of its ability to withstand impact.
So I'm going to throw it off a balcony NOW.
There you go.
A staggering display.
But I demand a suitcase that minimises physical exertion.
Could this member of the suitcase family be the answer? It has this rather clever handle which, when you extend it, puts 85% of the suitcase's weight over the wheels making it much easier to carry.
Look as I glide like an elegant swan.
And if you're having difficulties pulling it up a hill, an electric motor kicks in to aid you.
One last shirt to fold.
The infernally fiddly business of packing.
This contraption has special ventilating holes to eliminate static cling.
Folding more neatly also means you can pack more.
You know my rep, if I see convention, I must eschew it.
So, I can't travel to the airport by conventional means, I will be travelling in this, the Monotracer, one of only 49 in the world, driven by Captain Chuckles here.
Half car, half bike, this two-seater is arguably the world's most energy efficient high-performance vehicle.
Thanks to its ultra-low aerodynamic drag, it can accelerate to 60 in just four secs.
Immediately after departure, a dreadful anxiety claws at my insides.
Will I be violated by hoodlum burglars? Luckily, I can use this smartphone to deploy a smoke screen, which means that if any intruder is foolhardy enough to enter my premises while I'm away, if it detects anyone, it will fill the room with thick, grey smoke.
Once again, I must endure the thrumming tedium of the departure lobby, where I'm meeting my holiday companion, male comedian Noel Fielding.
Hi.
Unbelievable.
Late.
How are you? I'm furious.
I'm furious.
Don't touch me.
Don't come near me.
I was strip-searched for two hours.
If you look like this, you get hassle going through security.
If you look like Bianca Jagger? Yeah.
On the wedding, yeah.
It's no good.
Airports are a pain, though, aren't they? I couldn't agree more.
Being Cases Ugh!Ugh! I haveA solution? I've gotThey call you the "Solution", don't they? The "Solution Haver".
Look at this.
It's a stuffer jacket.
What this does is you can put a load of stuff in the pockets.
Hence, "stuffer".
And it means that you can carry all of your luggage on your person.
No more waiting in queues to check in bags.
This is what they claim will fit in this jacket.
Look at that.
You're completely within your right to board the plane and say, there's nothing wrong here.
Yep.
It's pretty good.
What do you reckon?I think it's good.
What have you got there?Check this.
This is re-timer glasses.
This fires a green light into your eyes to reset your sleep balance.
Wow!You just have to wear them for 35 to 50 mins day.
And you will never feel jet-lagged again, it claims.
How's that? You look like Will.
I.
Am.
The thing is, I just feel right in this stuff.
Now, the last thing is the Stadium Pal.
It is the freedom to urinate whenever you wish, however you wish into a pipe and into a bag.
From here on out, you can urinate at a time that suits you, rather than when the so-called pilot says you can.
This allows you to urinate up to 1,000 mls because I know that you are a powerful urinator.
When you urinate, it's like a riot hose.
I know this.
This sort of goes here.
I think that goes at the bottom and then the other thing attaches to And it's sticky as well so there's no way that The Frenchmen had better watch themselves.
When they see this coming at them, they're going to know That's right.
Come on, let me pick you up a ã15 sandwich.
OK.
Ladies.
Perhaps the most feared and tiring aspect of any summer holiday is the flight.
But we are going to employ a stack of gadge to make this flight a delight-flight.
One of the things that flies you into a rage Gets me really furious.
.
.
gets you wound up, is people leaning their seats back.
Uh! The animals! Unbelievable.
Disgusting.
Look at this.
The knee defender.
Wow! You take one of these fellows, put the seat tray down, engage the knee defender thus and thus.
This customer is going nowhere.
You cannot move that.
He cannot move his chair back.
That is amazing.
Also, this is a matter that we'll have to bring up sooner or later, I know that you have the lower bowel of a small hippopotamus.
This is the flatulence absorber.
This has got the surface area in terms of carbon filtration of five football fields.
Really? Believe me, you're going to need this because this plane is out of control.
Also, if doesn't just suck up your own fart, it sucks up I notice it sucking up a fart from a lady in row F.
It will suck a fart out of a man's trousers from 50 yards?Yeah.
Long gone are the days when I used to have to catch farts in my own hat.
My troubles are over.
The fart absorber.
I am taking this with me.
Come fly with me Let's fly, let's fly away With a whole HOUR to kill before we touch down I whip out a gadget to help us cope with the boredom.
.
.
in far Bombay This game's console has a full seven-inch touch-screen and a detachable dual analogue joystick controller.
Come fly with me Take one.
I think the youth are going to love this.
Yes.
The little people.
Wikipad Plus can also be networked for a multiplayer experience.
OK.
I've got a highly dignified item for you now.
It's called the Snazzy Napper.
This is Zorro's one, isn't it? He's embroidered his name all over this.
Douglas Fairbanks Jr.
So you put that over Antonio Banderas.
.
.
you stick your nose through that and then there's a blanket.
And now, you're completely relaxed.
And you can fall asleep I tell you what, this is unbelievable.
Is that a snazzy nap? Are you snazzy napping, Noel? Noel? Come back to me.
Noel! Noel! I've got a cab booked for San Raphael.
I'm actually from here.
These are my people.
So, if you need me to do any translation for you, let me know.
Bonjour! Go on, what else have you got? Come on, get your gadget out.
That's right.
You've got a gadget for every This guy's "The Solution.
" I've got the "S" translator.
I can say anything into this and it will translate it for me.
"Will you drive us to our destination without attacking us?" GADGET PINGS OK.
"Nous conduire-vous a notre destina-shion "sans nous attaquer?" "Destina-zion".
OK.
Bien sure.
Thank you.
Er BOTH: Merci.
OK.
Let's get in the car.
It's always good to ask that before getting in any vehicle.
En va a la piscine alors? A la piscine.
This is horrendous.
It's so hot, it's horrible.
It's very hot.
Why do people I think people come here for the sun, don't they? If we could have lassoed the sun and brought it to England I wouldn't have had to make this trip.
So you think if it was hotter in England people would stay there? People wouldn't even leave.
I'm not sure that's true.
Are you saying this scenery is superior to Southend? How dare you! How dare you! The thing Noel's just said made me think of the thing I'm about to say right about now.
There must be a way to stay in England but bring the weather to England, and I've just had an idea which will confirm me as one of the most foremost thinkers of my age.
Using the power of gadgets, I'm going to bring the South of France to Southend, starting with the sun.
Yes, you heard me, I said the word "with".
Hello, Anthony.
What I would like you to do so that I never have to travel again, is to build the sun.
The sun? Anything is possible, Richard, but there are going to be a few issues.
Anthony, if you're going to give me static over this I don't have time.
I don't want to pull rank, Anthony, but I need you to build the sun within a week.
Otherwise you're fired.
Within a week? And you know the redundancy terms I offer are not very good.
Unbelievable.
Coming up:Come on.
Let's go! Let's hit the beach.
Yeah, who are you? David Hasselhoff? Noel and I test out the latest in seaside technology.
I wasn't happy on the beach, but now I am.
You look great as well.
And I bring St Tropez to Southend.
It's actually really boiling.
It's so hot.
'I've been looking at gadgets that can help make going on holiday 'a more pleasurable experience.
' The freedom to urinate whenever you wish, however you wish.
'And I've just used my head to have a thought.
' What I would like you to do, so that I never have to travel again, is to build the sun.
'And that thought is to recreate the south of France in Southend!' 'Before Noel and I head to the beach, I'm asking some genuine 'French people to try out the latest in waterproof audio technology.
'Check that boom box.
It's called the Ecoterra, a fully waterproof 'speaker system that encases your smartphone or MP3 player.
'And this revolutionary underwater personal hi-fi 'doesn't play music through your ears, 'it beams sound waves through your cheekbones instead.
'The Ion Water Rocker uses Bluetooth to transmit 'tunes from an MP3 docked on dry land, to its watertight 'ball-shaped speaker from as far away as 100 metres.
'Now I address the French in their native tongue.
' Thank you for testing these objects.
What did you think of them? So my favourite is Neptune because the sound is very clear.
For me, I prefer this one.
In the water, the sound is amazing.
Did you like the Ecoterra?The volume is good.
Yes! Good volume.
I think it's better than the Water Rocker.
It pains me to hear that anything is better than the Water Rocker! So, the one you like best was Neptune?Yes, Neptune.
Sure.
OK, well this is good news.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
'My poolside research is complete, but my journey continues.
' Come on, let's go.
Let's hit the beach.
Hit the beach? Who are you? David Hasselhoff?I'm like a younger, better looking Hasselhoff.
No-one is better looking than Hasselhoff.
That's true! What's this?This is the solar electric scooter, OK? It's solar powered.
Amazing! OK, so let's get going.
Well, I say that Am I coming with you? You're not, although it can accommodate two people.
It's a tandem.
I prefer to go solo.
Why? Because of balance and also because I don't like being touched by you.
Great(!)See you down there.
Thanks, Mr Gadget.
What's wrong with you, gadget head? I'm not happy.
Why not? I'm on the beach, that's why not.
The beach is a great fun place.
It's a disgusting collection of ground down sedimentary rock.
I know but you've got to make the best of it.
I mean look at me, I'm a Goth, how do you think I feel? I'm all exposed.
Look at the Minox, yeah?Wow! It monitors the UV light.
Wow.
It tells you when to reapply sunscreen.
Really?That's right! What's this you're sitting on? I'm sitting on the Loungepac while you're on your tiny little red towel from the '60s.
It's a good colour though, isn't it? I'm on the Loungepac.
Arthur Lay lent me this.
I've got speakers.
Wow.
Either side.
What for, Stravinsky? Yes, so I can put in Prokofiev whenever I need to get things a bit more Russian.
'It also has detachable drinks coolers.
'And, should you need to leave the beach in a hurry, 'the whole affair folds down into a portable suitcase on wheels.
' Look at your towel.
It's a disgrace, full of sand.
I've got sand all over it.
You've got bits.
That's why you need the sand mat, developed by the military.
How is this better than the towel? The sand goes through one way and can't come back up.
So, if you take some sand, it goes straight through? Not straight through.
Yeah.
OK.
That's the consumer test they wanted(!) What else have you got? What's this?Bam! Flat-pack, look at that, OK? And then All right, Robocop! I'll be honest, I like that.
Do you want to have a go?Yes.
I'm not sure how to put sun cream on with this but it's quite powerful.
I'll tell you how you're going to put sun cream on, you put sun cream on here.
On that pad? On this pad, and then you can apply it to your back.
I wasn't happy on the beach, but now I am.
You look great as well.
I'm going to go and see if I can make friends on the beach.
Yeah.
See you in a bit.
'I have one further significantly more impressive gadget to show Noel.
' Noel's going to love this.
What's this?I'm on the bbq-donut.
I can read! The bbq-donut! How's it working out for you? It's good.
Whoa!Whoa! One of the things that is not very good about being in the middle of the ocean is the inability to barbecue.
That you have no access to a barbecue.
You're out on the ocean, you're a little bit peckish.
You've not barbecued until you're seasick.
It's some of the best barbecuing you'll ever do.
'It's the brainchild of this man' Hey! '.
.
Sebastian Schmitt.
' Look at him, he's amazing.
A real man.
It's like Jason Statham has just hopped aboard.
'Constructed from thermo-resistant plastic to prevent its very 'hot charcoal BBQ from melting through the hull, 'its donut-shaped chassis seats up to eight meat-eaters.
' Are you ready for a ride, yes?I'm always ready for meat on the ocean.
You're not drunk, are you? OK.
I am.
Does that matter? 'Yes, gadgets have made this holiday slightly more bearable, 'but I'd still rather not have to travel at all, so I'm going to 'prove that there's no need to leave our shores ever again.
' 'Back at the Gadget Man workshop, my engineering staff are creating 'a phalanx of gadgets to help me do just that, 'including one uber-gizmo that seeks to replicate 'a ball of hot plasma interwoven with magnetic fields ie.
the sun.
'Bienvenue Southend!' Well, how the blazing dickens am I going to transform this humble piece of British beach into a Mediterranean paradise? Well, I know how.
The question was rhetorical because I have all of this.
I have my fan WHIRRING .
.
of near unearthly power.
40,000 revolutions per minute, generating an instant soothing coolness.
I also have an automatic suntan lotion dispenser, which measures the UV which I have absorbed and periodically will spray me with suntan lotion so that I may never be burnt to a crisp or cinder.
'To recreate the Riviera, I want to hurl my olfactory senses southwards 'to the sweet aromas of the Mediterranean.
' Let's be frank, Southend smells of Southend, which is pleasing, but it is an unmistakable odour.
Let's employ the smell machine, which I have here.
'This device was first designed for the US military 'to prepare soldiers for the smells of the battlefield.
' It comes with a smell menu.
I can choose such things as cheddar, fig BACKGROUND YELLING That's my uncle there who, erm, still owes me money.
I'm actually going to go for "Sea Marine" here.
It's a block of smell, condensed, and you drop it in this.
I put it on and I will close it and relax in the safe knowledge that my nasal cavities will be pleased from hereon in.
'And for my audio requirements, 'I'm listening to sounds through these smart speakers, 'which ensure my music won't disturb my fellow beach hounds.
' Now, of course I could listen to my music through headphones like all those other saps, but I have the Audio Spotlight which uses ultrasound to create a highly directional sound two metres either side and you can hear nothing.
Look at this.
MUSIC FADES OU Nothing.
MUSIC FADES IN AND OU Nothing.
MUSIC Yes, something.
My comfort is in hand.
There is only one thing missing, the thing that drives people from these shores year in, year out, the thing they're desperately in search of.
'Here comes the sun, and a Beatles reference 'suspended from the arm of a giant 50-foot crane.
'The sun, not the Beatles reference.
'This quarter-ton gadget sun's halogen lamps blast out '48,000 watts of light - twice as powerful as the real midday sun, 'instantly raising the ambient air temperature 'by five degrees centigrade.
'And although the actual sun is more impressive, 'it's not ordinarily available in Southend.
'A delight.
'No need to hang around in airports, remonstrate with cabin boys, 'or get your knees crushed by Finnish businessmen ever again.
' Well, it would seem churlish to keep this marvellous spectacle to myself so, I must, given that this is a public beach, allow the public onto it.
There goes the neighbourhood.
MUSIC: "Sunny" by Bobby Hebb The great thing about the artificial sun is that it never sets, allowing you to enjoy the discomfort of high temperatures long into the night.
'Though the eve has glided into night's glassy embrace, 'it's still 25 degrees under the gadget sun, 'and its tanning UV rays 'have set off the automated sun cream dispenser.
' The gadget sun was really cool, I was surprised about how much heat and light came out of it.
It's actually really boiling, it's actually so hot.
If I had the nice heat and weather, I would tan nicely so that would save me money on fake tan and money on going abroad so I kind of kill two birds with one stone.
'So, what have we all learnt this time? 'Yes, gadgets can make even a holiday abroad enjoyable, 'but it's better to bring the holiday to you, and, 'where possible, to construct a replica sun.
' I'm going to walk into the sea now and see what it does to me.
'Next time, I'll be looking at gadgets that can 'help take the blinking hassle out of home improvement.
' I love not falling.
I'm never happier than when I'm not falling to my death.