Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle (2009) s02e04 Episode Script
Stand-Up
I don't normally do music stuff, but it's my ambition, by 2015, to become an entirely music-based act.
LAUGHTER I've been watching Tim Minchin over the years and I No, he's really good.
But But in December he did the O2 and, er some of the tickets were £195, so I thought I'd try and do that.
LAUGHTER We'd shake off this audience.
LAUGHTER People keep saying it's the same week after week.
You know, the same going on about nothing.
I thought, "Well, I'll sit down.
"That'll be different to when I'm standing up.
" And I remember when I was growing up, a lot of comics used to sit down.
Dave Allen, Ronnie Corbett, Jasper Carrott, Mike Harding, they were all sitting down.
And in lieu of not having any jokes, I thought maybe if I sat down people wouldn't notice.
Can we have the singer-songwriter lighting state, please? LAUGHTER WOMAN: Whoo! STRUMS GUITAR So, I'm going to do a song.
I'm going to do it in about 25 minutes' time, and I'm going to hang on to the guitar until then.
Um, and the reason I'm doing that is because, er the stuff in this show, it's all a bit loose and improvised.
It's not very good, basically.
But I've been watching the musical comedy acts and I've noticed that audiences are a lot more forgiving of poor material if it's performed by someone with a guitar or a piano.
PICKS A NOTE Especially if they're tuning up, have you noticed that? If you're tuning up, you can It's like you're doing something, isn't it? So you can do quite a rubbish joke while you're tuning up as if, "Oh, I just thought of this," you know as an aside, and people go, "Oh, that was funny, you know, "given that it wasn't really material, "just something you just thought of.
" But the same thing, if you actually said it down the barrel like you meant it, people go, "That's not good enough.
" ARMANDO IANNUCCI: Are you the alternative to comedy? STEWART LEE: I think I am.
I know that used to be a criticism, didn't it? I remember Jim Bowen saying that about alternative comedians 20 years ago.
"You're the alternatives to comedy.
" - But now I think there's - Which is very funny.
It was funny, but there's so much comedy now.
Any time you turn the telly on, somewhere you can find some stand-up comedy, and I think I'm the alternative to that.
It looks like stand-up comedy.
"I'm the relief.
You know, if you're fed up with all the comedy" Yeah, here's something.
He's a bloke, there's a microphone there, - but - What would you call it, then? - Stand Well, you know - Stand-up tragedy? - No, it's not tragedy.
- Stand-up Sit-down - Sit-down misery? - No Well, sit No, I'd just call it, you know Standing.
A man standing.
It was very different in the '80s, when I started the comedy, alternative comedy.
It wasn't like now.
There's loads of clubs now, aren't there, and gigs? It wasn't like that.
It was only Like where I was, in the Midlands, there was one gig in Coventry, there weren't really any in Birmingham, so I had to come down to "that London" to do the alternative comedy.
And I had a job for about the first 18 months while I got going.
Er, I worked in the library at Kew Gardens, putting the books away, you know.
And, er, after about 18 months, I got enough little gigs in pubs to become a comic and I went in on a Friday night, and I handed my card in to the head librarian and I said, "I don't need this any more, I'm quitting.
" She said, "Why, what are you doing instead?" I said, "I'm going to become a comedian.
" And she said, "Oh, you never seemed very funny.
" LAUGHTER I don't know what I was supposed to do in the library, you know.
In silence.
Put the books away in a funny way.
Going up the ladder, "Ohhh!" LAUGHTER "Ah, help! I've put that one in the wrong bit.
" LAUGHTER But, er HE CHUCKLES Funny thing is that as I was leaving, the other librarian turned to her and said, "I think he is a funny librarian, actually.
"It's just that you have to have seen a lot of other librarians "to realise what it is he's doing.
" LAUGHTER And the other one went, "No, you're wrong.
" LAUGHTER She said, "You're either a funny librarian or you're not, "and he's not a funny librarian.
" And the other one said, "Well he is, because he is a librarian, "but he also It's like he comments on what a librarian is.
" LAUGHTER And then the first one, the head librarian, said, "Well, that's as may be, "but I guarantee if he takes that approach "onon BBC Two late at night in 21 years' time, "people will be turning off in their thousands.
" LAUGHTER And the second one said, "He won't care.
"He'll see it as part of the process of refining the audience.
" And the first one said, "You can't refine nothing.
" LAUGHTER GLASS TINKLES And then the other one said, "What will he do if a glass falls over in the room?" "Will he say, 'Someone's dropped their contact lens?'" And the other one said, "He will say that, "but he'll say it as part of a quote in inverted commas" LAUGHTER ".
.
to show that he could have done it if he'd wanted to, "but that it's simultaneously beneath him.
" And the other one, I forget which one it is now will say, "So he sort of has his cake and eats it, then, at the same time.
" And the other one says, "Yes, he's going to be the kind of act "He does comedy, but he does it as if he's better than it.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And then the other one said, "Then" The other one, I don't know which one it is now.
I can't remember.
One of them likes me, the other one doesn't.
I don't know! There's people wandering around, breaking glasses.
How am I expected to concentrate on an imaginary discussion between two different librarians 20 years ago? Then I went, "I am here, you know.
" LAUGHTER The first one goes, "I tell you what your problem's going to be.
"You're going to be the kind of act that improvises themselves into a corner.
" LAUGHTER But are we going to get something really good? Are we going to get a big, funny ending, rather like The Two Ronnies always ended with a musical number? Um, yeah, I think so.
There's not dancing, but, um er, I think it's a way forward, the comedy song.
I think it's a way forward for me.
BENDS NOTE LAUGHTER That's what they do, isn't it, the musical comedians? They ramble on for a bit and then they do something like that and people go, "Ha-ha!" LAUGHTER Um It's very different now, comedy, to when I started in the '80s.
It's all about all sorts of stuff now, stand-up, isn't it? All kinds of things people talk about.
Back then in the '80s, stand-up was mainly about hating the Tories, pretty much exclusively.
It was very different then, comedy, in the '80s.
What used to happen in the '80s, what the comedy was in the '80s, was a load of people and they all hated the Tories, and they went out to a place and there was a guy on stage there and he hated the Tories, and he'd go, "I hate the Tories!" And the audience would go, "We hate the Tories as well!" And they'd go home happy - 67p well spent.
LAUGHTER It's very different now, the comedy, isn't it? I've seen it.
I've seen some of it on, um the Roadshow on telly and it's in all stadiums and things now, isn't it? It's amazing, comedy.
It's very different.
What the comedy is now is not like the '80s.
What it is now, it's a load of people and they all hate their electrical appliances LAUGHTER .
.
and they go out to a place and there's a guy on stage there and he hates his electrical appliances and he goes, "I hate my electrical appliances!" LAUGHTER And the audience goes, "We hate our electrical appliances as well!" And they go home happy - £47.
50 well spent.
LAUGHTER "I hate my toaster, it's only got two settings.
"Black, burnt charcoal or just warm bread.
It's only got two settings.
" LAUGHTER It's broken, innit? Mate, that toaster's broken.
They wouldn't make a toaster like that, would they? They wouldn't, there'd be no market for it.
It would It would be rejected at the design stage.
"Mr Morphy Richards, I've got an idea for a new toaster.
" "Oh, yeah?" "Yes, it either burns the bread black "or it doesn't do anything to it.
" "We're not going to make that toaster, son.
" "There'd be no market for it.
"Put the plans in the bin, put them in there.
" It's broken, innit? If you've If you've got a toaster and it either burns the bread black or it doesn't do anything, it's not a new kind of toaster, it's broken, all right? Take it back.
And they'llthey'll change it if you've got a receipt.
Go in and go LAUGHTER They'll go, "What's that?" You'll go, "It's my toaster, I got it here.
"It either burns the bread black or it doesn't do anything to it.
"I thought it might be a new kind of toaster.
" They go, "It isn't.
It's broken.
"Have you got the receipt?" "Yes.
" "We'll change it.
" If you've got the receipt, you'll be all right.
LAUGHTER Have you ever seen that, a TV record where people walk out? LAUGHTER It's unbelievable, isn't it? This isn't a mistake, this is my act! LAUGHTER You keep your receipts, do you? You should do.
You should! When I was young, I didn't.
I You lived a transitory You don't hang on to things.
But now we've got a file by the fridge and we put all the receipts in there now.
You have to have them to If you're going to change a thing, you need the And itit's more complicated than it used to be, as well.
When we were kids, the receipt, that was the guarantee, wasn't it? The receipt was proof of purchase, but it was also the guarantee.
But now No, it was.
It was! But now you have to The receipt is proof of purchase, but the guarantee, you have to you often have to phone up or go online, don't you? A palaver, innit? LAUGHTER But still, keep your receipt anyway.
Keep them LAUGHTER Keep the receipt and probably, you know But register for the LAUGHTER I am aware, er .
.
that when I try and do observational comedy LAUGHTER .
.
it can drift .
.
into consumer advice, really.
LAUGHTER You know, that's why I'm on in these, er these little rooms, you know, not like the O2 or something.
LAUGHTER I did a lot I did a Christmas run in London.
I did 20,000 people.
Theoretically, I could do the O2.
I'm not showing off, but I could.
But But the guy the guy came from the O2 to see the live show and he said, "Oh, you can't do that there.
" LAUGHTER He said, "I've got 18,000 people, I've got 15 massive screens, you know.
"You can't have a bloke just going on about receipts and stuff.
" LAUGHTER I thought you could.
I You know, it'd be all right, wouldn't it? I'd go and see that, it'd be interesting.
CHUCKLES I said to him, "What about this, right? "I'll go on first and do half an hour about receipts and stuff before, "and then you have a proper BBC One/ITV observational comedian on, "and then they can do all stuff about toasters breaking and that "and the audience will laugh, but they won't have to worry.
" LAUGHTER Because they'll know from me, from listening to me, that they're probably covered, you know.
LAUGHTER If they've kept thethe paperwork, you know.
It'd It'd be like an emotional safety net, that, the first set, you know.
LAUGHTER People that walked out will be annoyed they missed that, won't they? LAUGHTER "What did I miss?" "Well, er" LAUGHTER "The timepassed.
" LAUGHTER "What did he talk about?" "Nothing, really.
" Why don't you go back to working in a library, where you have to be quiet? - Like that.
- Yeah.
It was very different, though, the '80s.
I mean, the weird thing about doing comedy now if you did comedy in the '80s, is loads of the things we used to talk about have come back.
We used to do jokes about the Conservatives.
The Conservatives have come back.
There were strikes and riots.
Well, there's strikes and riots again now.
There was a royal wedding.
There's a royal wedding now, that has come back.
The IRA are coming back as well, aren't they? Which is good, I think.
LAUGHTER They said they were, didn't they, in September? They went, "We're coming back.
" They don't seem to have done anything, but I hope they do come back because I think they're good.
LAUGHTER I didn't used to.
I didn't used to like them, you know, like anyone in the old days.
The IRA? I could take it or leave it, you know.
LAUGHTER I didn't like them, actually, I'll tell you, butbut, um since they stopped Well, they wound down a bit, didn't they, in '98? Um This other lot have come in, haven't they? Have you seen them, al-Qaeda? TITTERING LAUGHTER Can't bear them.
LAUGHTER No, I think they're absolutely awful.
Why are they even here, al-Qaeda? We've got our own terror people, haven't we? We've got the IRA and there's the Cornish lot, weren't there, in the? Sons Of GlenGlendower or something.
Any of those guys could have You know, I don't know why they have them over, really, but, um I don't like them.
I hate al-Qaeda, actually.
I hate them.
No, I do.
I hate al-Qaeda.
You know, I'm sorry if that's not politically correct, um I don't like them.
I don't like them.
I don't.
If you look back on the IRA, that was proper You know, I'll tell you IRA, they were the '60s, '70s, '80s That was a golden age of mainland terror.
LAUGHTER It was.
You know, wewe've never had it so good, and you Not like al-Qaeda.
They're rubbish, aren't they, al-Qaeda? Awful.
Look back on the IRA, they were brilliant.
They had There were so many good things about them, weren't there? They had, um They had achievable aims, which I thought was good.
"What are your aims, IRA?" "United Ireland, Brits out.
" It's all right, innit? LAUGHTER You can get round the table and discuss that kind of aim, can't you? That's what happened, wasn't it, at Stormont, in, er? What do al-Qaeda want? Al-Qaeda want the destruction of Western civilisation in its entirety.
LAUGHTER It's pie in the sky.
LAUGHTER It is, it's pie I'm sorry! They're living on They're living on Fantasy Island.
LAUGHTER They're idiots! "What do you want?" "Just everything destroyed.
" Ridiculous, innit? You can't get round the table and negotiate towards that, can you? You can't go, "Thanks for coming in, Mr Bin Laden.
"Obviously we won't be able to agree to all your demands.
"Here's Lowestoft.
" LAUGHTER Stupid, aren't they? I can't I can't stand them.
They're so miserable, aren't they, al-Qaeda? Miserable.
"Oh, I'm in al-Qaeda.
" Urgh! I'll tell you why I like the IRA.
There's a levity about it, isn't there? They're It's fun, innit? They do You know.
It is.
They did murals, didn't they? Have you seen them? They're brilliant.
You don't have to agree with the politics to say they are good murals, and they are.
They are.
If you go to Belfast, that used to be a dump, and now there's all coloured pictures everywhere, blokes with hats on and stuff, it's fantastic.
And waving out of Absolutely brilliant.
Like Banksy or something, it's fantastic.
They're not professional artists either, a lot of those people.
They just did theirbest, you know, they had a go, and I think that's There's no al-Qaeda murals, are there? I asked an Islamic scholar, "Why is that?" And he said it's because in a fundamentalist interpretation of the Koran, there can be a cultural anxiety about the depiction of the human form.
I thought, "That's very convenient, isn't it?" LAUGHTER You know, if you're lazy and miserable.
Another bloke going.
Amazing, isn't it? Go on, off you go then, get out.
Go on, go.
Go on.
TITTERING Amazing, isn't it? I've never seen anything like it.
LAUGHTER Such a weird crowd.
There's people going, "If he's having a go at al-Qaeda, I'm off!" LAUGHTER Absolutely incredible.
Never everknown that happen.
I mean, I take a perverse degree of pride in it, to be honest that people that have queued up for three hours still think, "Don't really like it.
" It's quite hard to get tickets for this, isn't it? You have to Unbelievable.
LAUGHTER In the Roadshow, they cut away to like Gok Wan laughing and stuff, don't they? Esther Rantzen going, "Aw!" I'd like to intercut Instead of reaction shots from celebrities, I'd like a slow parade of people just walking out.
It'd be good.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You know, I'm sorry if there's people out there going, "Why's he having a go at them?" I don't like them, all right? That's just mything, you know.
Why are they even here? But the thing about the IRA, right, is they were nice, right, basically.
Compared to al-Qaeda they were They'd ring up, wouldn't they? They'd ring up first.
LAUGHTER They'd go, "We're going to blow your bank up.
" You'd go, "Oh, thanks, I'll go home.
" I know that didn't always happen.
I'm not an idiot.
But I'm saying, it doesn't take a second, does it, to phone up? Al-Qaeda just flying planes into things out of nowhere, "Deal with that.
" Rude.
I'll tell you, I The thing about me, right, II take people as I find them, you know.
I don't care LAUGHTER I do! I don't care what your religion is, or your race, or where you're from, or your money.
I judge people on what they're like, yeah, and I find al-Qaeda to be rude.
LAUGHTER I do.
I think they're louts and I think that they They are! They're louts! And they should look at the IRA and The thing about the IRA, right, is they were .
.
they were decent, British terrorists.
LAUGHTER They didn't want to be British.
LAUGHTER But they were.
LAUGHTER And as such, they couldn't help but embody some fundamentally decent British values.
And I hope they get going again, and I hope the al-Qaedas look at them and go, "Oh, we should pull our bloody socks up and" Here's a question.
Who else, apart from the IRA, makes you proud to be British? Um - Doctor Who, I think.
- Doctor Who? Yeah, I know that seems mad and he's a fictional character, but He's, technically He's not British.
OK, well, it wasn't a very good answer.
Ask me the question again.
Who else, apart from the IRA, makes you proud to be British? No-one? Not no-one.
I'm not being unpatriotic, I'm just trying to give a good answer and I can't Sally Gunnell? - Yeah, all right, Sally Gunnell.
- Why? Ask me again, who makes me proud to All right.
Who else, apart from the IRA, makes you proud to be British? Sebastian Coe, I think.
- Sebastian Coe? - Yeah.
That's the best you can do, Sebastian Coe? - Yeah.
- Because he's on the news a lot? No, he's You know, he helped with the Olympics and he could run fast.
Ask me again.
Who else, apart from the IRA, makes you proud to be British? Oh, I don't know.
I-I-I didn't expect to be asked that.
I th Sting? Yeah, Sting.
Why? That al-Qaeda/IRA routine, that was some irony I was doing there, a bit of irony.
And, er irony, that's one of the, er the new things we have in comedy.
We didn't have that in the '80s when I started out, irony.
Basically, in the '80s, when a stand-up went on stage, what they said, that was the same as what they thought, right? But now, we have irony, right? What that means is someone can go out and what they say, that might be the opposite of what they think.
But normally, at least 50% of the audience don't realise that.
LAUGHTER And the great thing about irony for stand-ups, from a commercial point of view, is it means you can work two audiences simultaneously.
LAUGHTER Guardian readers and Sun readers.
LAUGHTER Course, in the end, the guilt drives the ironic comedian mad with shame .
.
and they have to present BBC Four documentaries as a form of penance.
LAUGHTER Or else they go to America and they do their irony over there, where, ironically, the people don't have a sense of irony.
LAUGHTER Anyway, I'm going to finish on a song, as threatened.
And this is how you do comedy songs.
What you have to do is choose a subject and then do it like an impression of someone.
So, er To help me on this, will you please welcome, from Brighton, on the banjo, Nick Pynn.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And, er All right? Now I got to thinking, er, what would it be like if, er Bob Dylan from the '60s took a look at stand-up comedy in Britain today.
Well, I think it would be a little bit like this.
There's a bus That never comes Except in threes There's a train that never runs Because of leaves LAUGHTER And there's a woman that never comes Perhaps she's dead And there's a toaster And it always burns the bread LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, there's a town in the north-east of England Where the weather's always freezing And the girls parade around in inappropriate clothing And there's a drawer of random objects In the shed And there's a toaster And it always burns the bread I don't believe you You're a liar LAUGHTER You're a liar And your pants are lit on fire LAUGHTER You're a la-la-la-la la-la-la-la La-la-la-la la-la-la-la liar And your name Is Michael f LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well, there's a Dalek And it just can't get up stairs And this old bald man combing over his last three remaining hairs And there's a student Olympics athlete Lying stoned in bed You know what, mate? It's obviously the last fucking thing! That'll be right in the front of that shot.
You horrible man.
LAUGHTER GROANING AND BOOING I mean, how much longer could it go on at that speed? LAUGHTER There's 30 seconds in it! I'm not having the public in to shows again.
LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE If only there was some way of eliminating you from the equation.
LAUGHTER If it was just me and broadsheet journalists LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE .
.
in a self-congratulatory loop.
LAUGHTER I've been watching Tim Minchin over the years and I No, he's really good.
But But in December he did the O2 and, er some of the tickets were £195, so I thought I'd try and do that.
LAUGHTER We'd shake off this audience.
LAUGHTER People keep saying it's the same week after week.
You know, the same going on about nothing.
I thought, "Well, I'll sit down.
"That'll be different to when I'm standing up.
" And I remember when I was growing up, a lot of comics used to sit down.
Dave Allen, Ronnie Corbett, Jasper Carrott, Mike Harding, they were all sitting down.
And in lieu of not having any jokes, I thought maybe if I sat down people wouldn't notice.
Can we have the singer-songwriter lighting state, please? LAUGHTER WOMAN: Whoo! STRUMS GUITAR So, I'm going to do a song.
I'm going to do it in about 25 minutes' time, and I'm going to hang on to the guitar until then.
Um, and the reason I'm doing that is because, er the stuff in this show, it's all a bit loose and improvised.
It's not very good, basically.
But I've been watching the musical comedy acts and I've noticed that audiences are a lot more forgiving of poor material if it's performed by someone with a guitar or a piano.
PICKS A NOTE Especially if they're tuning up, have you noticed that? If you're tuning up, you can It's like you're doing something, isn't it? So you can do quite a rubbish joke while you're tuning up as if, "Oh, I just thought of this," you know as an aside, and people go, "Oh, that was funny, you know, "given that it wasn't really material, "just something you just thought of.
" But the same thing, if you actually said it down the barrel like you meant it, people go, "That's not good enough.
" ARMANDO IANNUCCI: Are you the alternative to comedy? STEWART LEE: I think I am.
I know that used to be a criticism, didn't it? I remember Jim Bowen saying that about alternative comedians 20 years ago.
"You're the alternatives to comedy.
" - But now I think there's - Which is very funny.
It was funny, but there's so much comedy now.
Any time you turn the telly on, somewhere you can find some stand-up comedy, and I think I'm the alternative to that.
It looks like stand-up comedy.
"I'm the relief.
You know, if you're fed up with all the comedy" Yeah, here's something.
He's a bloke, there's a microphone there, - but - What would you call it, then? - Stand Well, you know - Stand-up tragedy? - No, it's not tragedy.
- Stand-up Sit-down - Sit-down misery? - No Well, sit No, I'd just call it, you know Standing.
A man standing.
It was very different in the '80s, when I started the comedy, alternative comedy.
It wasn't like now.
There's loads of clubs now, aren't there, and gigs? It wasn't like that.
It was only Like where I was, in the Midlands, there was one gig in Coventry, there weren't really any in Birmingham, so I had to come down to "that London" to do the alternative comedy.
And I had a job for about the first 18 months while I got going.
Er, I worked in the library at Kew Gardens, putting the books away, you know.
And, er, after about 18 months, I got enough little gigs in pubs to become a comic and I went in on a Friday night, and I handed my card in to the head librarian and I said, "I don't need this any more, I'm quitting.
" She said, "Why, what are you doing instead?" I said, "I'm going to become a comedian.
" And she said, "Oh, you never seemed very funny.
" LAUGHTER I don't know what I was supposed to do in the library, you know.
In silence.
Put the books away in a funny way.
Going up the ladder, "Ohhh!" LAUGHTER "Ah, help! I've put that one in the wrong bit.
" LAUGHTER But, er HE CHUCKLES Funny thing is that as I was leaving, the other librarian turned to her and said, "I think he is a funny librarian, actually.
"It's just that you have to have seen a lot of other librarians "to realise what it is he's doing.
" LAUGHTER And the other one went, "No, you're wrong.
" LAUGHTER She said, "You're either a funny librarian or you're not, "and he's not a funny librarian.
" And the other one said, "Well he is, because he is a librarian, "but he also It's like he comments on what a librarian is.
" LAUGHTER And then the first one, the head librarian, said, "Well, that's as may be, "but I guarantee if he takes that approach "onon BBC Two late at night in 21 years' time, "people will be turning off in their thousands.
" LAUGHTER And the second one said, "He won't care.
"He'll see it as part of the process of refining the audience.
" And the first one said, "You can't refine nothing.
" LAUGHTER GLASS TINKLES And then the other one said, "What will he do if a glass falls over in the room?" "Will he say, 'Someone's dropped their contact lens?'" And the other one said, "He will say that, "but he'll say it as part of a quote in inverted commas" LAUGHTER ".
.
to show that he could have done it if he'd wanted to, "but that it's simultaneously beneath him.
" And the other one, I forget which one it is now will say, "So he sort of has his cake and eats it, then, at the same time.
" And the other one says, "Yes, he's going to be the kind of act "He does comedy, but he does it as if he's better than it.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And then the other one said, "Then" The other one, I don't know which one it is now.
I can't remember.
One of them likes me, the other one doesn't.
I don't know! There's people wandering around, breaking glasses.
How am I expected to concentrate on an imaginary discussion between two different librarians 20 years ago? Then I went, "I am here, you know.
" LAUGHTER The first one goes, "I tell you what your problem's going to be.
"You're going to be the kind of act that improvises themselves into a corner.
" LAUGHTER But are we going to get something really good? Are we going to get a big, funny ending, rather like The Two Ronnies always ended with a musical number? Um, yeah, I think so.
There's not dancing, but, um er, I think it's a way forward, the comedy song.
I think it's a way forward for me.
BENDS NOTE LAUGHTER That's what they do, isn't it, the musical comedians? They ramble on for a bit and then they do something like that and people go, "Ha-ha!" LAUGHTER Um It's very different now, comedy, to when I started in the '80s.
It's all about all sorts of stuff now, stand-up, isn't it? All kinds of things people talk about.
Back then in the '80s, stand-up was mainly about hating the Tories, pretty much exclusively.
It was very different then, comedy, in the '80s.
What used to happen in the '80s, what the comedy was in the '80s, was a load of people and they all hated the Tories, and they went out to a place and there was a guy on stage there and he hated the Tories, and he'd go, "I hate the Tories!" And the audience would go, "We hate the Tories as well!" And they'd go home happy - 67p well spent.
LAUGHTER It's very different now, the comedy, isn't it? I've seen it.
I've seen some of it on, um the Roadshow on telly and it's in all stadiums and things now, isn't it? It's amazing, comedy.
It's very different.
What the comedy is now is not like the '80s.
What it is now, it's a load of people and they all hate their electrical appliances LAUGHTER .
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and they go out to a place and there's a guy on stage there and he hates his electrical appliances and he goes, "I hate my electrical appliances!" LAUGHTER And the audience goes, "We hate our electrical appliances as well!" And they go home happy - £47.
50 well spent.
LAUGHTER "I hate my toaster, it's only got two settings.
"Black, burnt charcoal or just warm bread.
It's only got two settings.
" LAUGHTER It's broken, innit? Mate, that toaster's broken.
They wouldn't make a toaster like that, would they? They wouldn't, there'd be no market for it.
It would It would be rejected at the design stage.
"Mr Morphy Richards, I've got an idea for a new toaster.
" "Oh, yeah?" "Yes, it either burns the bread black "or it doesn't do anything to it.
" "We're not going to make that toaster, son.
" "There'd be no market for it.
"Put the plans in the bin, put them in there.
" It's broken, innit? If you've If you've got a toaster and it either burns the bread black or it doesn't do anything, it's not a new kind of toaster, it's broken, all right? Take it back.
And they'llthey'll change it if you've got a receipt.
Go in and go LAUGHTER They'll go, "What's that?" You'll go, "It's my toaster, I got it here.
"It either burns the bread black or it doesn't do anything to it.
"I thought it might be a new kind of toaster.
" They go, "It isn't.
It's broken.
"Have you got the receipt?" "Yes.
" "We'll change it.
" If you've got the receipt, you'll be all right.
LAUGHTER Have you ever seen that, a TV record where people walk out? LAUGHTER It's unbelievable, isn't it? This isn't a mistake, this is my act! LAUGHTER You keep your receipts, do you? You should do.
You should! When I was young, I didn't.
I You lived a transitory You don't hang on to things.
But now we've got a file by the fridge and we put all the receipts in there now.
You have to have them to If you're going to change a thing, you need the And itit's more complicated than it used to be, as well.
When we were kids, the receipt, that was the guarantee, wasn't it? The receipt was proof of purchase, but it was also the guarantee.
But now No, it was.
It was! But now you have to The receipt is proof of purchase, but the guarantee, you have to you often have to phone up or go online, don't you? A palaver, innit? LAUGHTER But still, keep your receipt anyway.
Keep them LAUGHTER Keep the receipt and probably, you know But register for the LAUGHTER I am aware, er .
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that when I try and do observational comedy LAUGHTER .
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it can drift .
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into consumer advice, really.
LAUGHTER You know, that's why I'm on in these, er these little rooms, you know, not like the O2 or something.
LAUGHTER I did a lot I did a Christmas run in London.
I did 20,000 people.
Theoretically, I could do the O2.
I'm not showing off, but I could.
But But the guy the guy came from the O2 to see the live show and he said, "Oh, you can't do that there.
" LAUGHTER He said, "I've got 18,000 people, I've got 15 massive screens, you know.
"You can't have a bloke just going on about receipts and stuff.
" LAUGHTER I thought you could.
I You know, it'd be all right, wouldn't it? I'd go and see that, it'd be interesting.
CHUCKLES I said to him, "What about this, right? "I'll go on first and do half an hour about receipts and stuff before, "and then you have a proper BBC One/ITV observational comedian on, "and then they can do all stuff about toasters breaking and that "and the audience will laugh, but they won't have to worry.
" LAUGHTER Because they'll know from me, from listening to me, that they're probably covered, you know.
LAUGHTER If they've kept thethe paperwork, you know.
It'd It'd be like an emotional safety net, that, the first set, you know.
LAUGHTER People that walked out will be annoyed they missed that, won't they? LAUGHTER "What did I miss?" "Well, er" LAUGHTER "The timepassed.
" LAUGHTER "What did he talk about?" "Nothing, really.
" Why don't you go back to working in a library, where you have to be quiet? - Like that.
- Yeah.
It was very different, though, the '80s.
I mean, the weird thing about doing comedy now if you did comedy in the '80s, is loads of the things we used to talk about have come back.
We used to do jokes about the Conservatives.
The Conservatives have come back.
There were strikes and riots.
Well, there's strikes and riots again now.
There was a royal wedding.
There's a royal wedding now, that has come back.
The IRA are coming back as well, aren't they? Which is good, I think.
LAUGHTER They said they were, didn't they, in September? They went, "We're coming back.
" They don't seem to have done anything, but I hope they do come back because I think they're good.
LAUGHTER I didn't used to.
I didn't used to like them, you know, like anyone in the old days.
The IRA? I could take it or leave it, you know.
LAUGHTER I didn't like them, actually, I'll tell you, butbut, um since they stopped Well, they wound down a bit, didn't they, in '98? Um This other lot have come in, haven't they? Have you seen them, al-Qaeda? TITTERING LAUGHTER Can't bear them.
LAUGHTER No, I think they're absolutely awful.
Why are they even here, al-Qaeda? We've got our own terror people, haven't we? We've got the IRA and there's the Cornish lot, weren't there, in the? Sons Of GlenGlendower or something.
Any of those guys could have You know, I don't know why they have them over, really, but, um I don't like them.
I hate al-Qaeda, actually.
I hate them.
No, I do.
I hate al-Qaeda.
You know, I'm sorry if that's not politically correct, um I don't like them.
I don't like them.
I don't.
If you look back on the IRA, that was proper You know, I'll tell you IRA, they were the '60s, '70s, '80s That was a golden age of mainland terror.
LAUGHTER It was.
You know, wewe've never had it so good, and you Not like al-Qaeda.
They're rubbish, aren't they, al-Qaeda? Awful.
Look back on the IRA, they were brilliant.
They had There were so many good things about them, weren't there? They had, um They had achievable aims, which I thought was good.
"What are your aims, IRA?" "United Ireland, Brits out.
" It's all right, innit? LAUGHTER You can get round the table and discuss that kind of aim, can't you? That's what happened, wasn't it, at Stormont, in, er? What do al-Qaeda want? Al-Qaeda want the destruction of Western civilisation in its entirety.
LAUGHTER It's pie in the sky.
LAUGHTER It is, it's pie I'm sorry! They're living on They're living on Fantasy Island.
LAUGHTER They're idiots! "What do you want?" "Just everything destroyed.
" Ridiculous, innit? You can't get round the table and negotiate towards that, can you? You can't go, "Thanks for coming in, Mr Bin Laden.
"Obviously we won't be able to agree to all your demands.
"Here's Lowestoft.
" LAUGHTER Stupid, aren't they? I can't I can't stand them.
They're so miserable, aren't they, al-Qaeda? Miserable.
"Oh, I'm in al-Qaeda.
" Urgh! I'll tell you why I like the IRA.
There's a levity about it, isn't there? They're It's fun, innit? They do You know.
It is.
They did murals, didn't they? Have you seen them? They're brilliant.
You don't have to agree with the politics to say they are good murals, and they are.
They are.
If you go to Belfast, that used to be a dump, and now there's all coloured pictures everywhere, blokes with hats on and stuff, it's fantastic.
And waving out of Absolutely brilliant.
Like Banksy or something, it's fantastic.
They're not professional artists either, a lot of those people.
They just did theirbest, you know, they had a go, and I think that's There's no al-Qaeda murals, are there? I asked an Islamic scholar, "Why is that?" And he said it's because in a fundamentalist interpretation of the Koran, there can be a cultural anxiety about the depiction of the human form.
I thought, "That's very convenient, isn't it?" LAUGHTER You know, if you're lazy and miserable.
Another bloke going.
Amazing, isn't it? Go on, off you go then, get out.
Go on, go.
Go on.
TITTERING Amazing, isn't it? I've never seen anything like it.
LAUGHTER Such a weird crowd.
There's people going, "If he's having a go at al-Qaeda, I'm off!" LAUGHTER Absolutely incredible.
Never everknown that happen.
I mean, I take a perverse degree of pride in it, to be honest that people that have queued up for three hours still think, "Don't really like it.
" It's quite hard to get tickets for this, isn't it? You have to Unbelievable.
LAUGHTER In the Roadshow, they cut away to like Gok Wan laughing and stuff, don't they? Esther Rantzen going, "Aw!" I'd like to intercut Instead of reaction shots from celebrities, I'd like a slow parade of people just walking out.
It'd be good.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You know, I'm sorry if there's people out there going, "Why's he having a go at them?" I don't like them, all right? That's just mything, you know.
Why are they even here? But the thing about the IRA, right, is they were nice, right, basically.
Compared to al-Qaeda they were They'd ring up, wouldn't they? They'd ring up first.
LAUGHTER They'd go, "We're going to blow your bank up.
" You'd go, "Oh, thanks, I'll go home.
" I know that didn't always happen.
I'm not an idiot.
But I'm saying, it doesn't take a second, does it, to phone up? Al-Qaeda just flying planes into things out of nowhere, "Deal with that.
" Rude.
I'll tell you, I The thing about me, right, II take people as I find them, you know.
I don't care LAUGHTER I do! I don't care what your religion is, or your race, or where you're from, or your money.
I judge people on what they're like, yeah, and I find al-Qaeda to be rude.
LAUGHTER I do.
I think they're louts and I think that they They are! They're louts! And they should look at the IRA and The thing about the IRA, right, is they were .
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they were decent, British terrorists.
LAUGHTER They didn't want to be British.
LAUGHTER But they were.
LAUGHTER And as such, they couldn't help but embody some fundamentally decent British values.
And I hope they get going again, and I hope the al-Qaedas look at them and go, "Oh, we should pull our bloody socks up and" Here's a question.
Who else, apart from the IRA, makes you proud to be British? Um - Doctor Who, I think.
- Doctor Who? Yeah, I know that seems mad and he's a fictional character, but He's, technically He's not British.
OK, well, it wasn't a very good answer.
Ask me the question again.
Who else, apart from the IRA, makes you proud to be British? No-one? Not no-one.
I'm not being unpatriotic, I'm just trying to give a good answer and I can't Sally Gunnell? - Yeah, all right, Sally Gunnell.
- Why? Ask me again, who makes me proud to All right.
Who else, apart from the IRA, makes you proud to be British? Sebastian Coe, I think.
- Sebastian Coe? - Yeah.
That's the best you can do, Sebastian Coe? - Yeah.
- Because he's on the news a lot? No, he's You know, he helped with the Olympics and he could run fast.
Ask me again.
Who else, apart from the IRA, makes you proud to be British? Oh, I don't know.
I-I-I didn't expect to be asked that.
I th Sting? Yeah, Sting.
Why? That al-Qaeda/IRA routine, that was some irony I was doing there, a bit of irony.
And, er irony, that's one of the, er the new things we have in comedy.
We didn't have that in the '80s when I started out, irony.
Basically, in the '80s, when a stand-up went on stage, what they said, that was the same as what they thought, right? But now, we have irony, right? What that means is someone can go out and what they say, that might be the opposite of what they think.
But normally, at least 50% of the audience don't realise that.
LAUGHTER And the great thing about irony for stand-ups, from a commercial point of view, is it means you can work two audiences simultaneously.
LAUGHTER Guardian readers and Sun readers.
LAUGHTER Course, in the end, the guilt drives the ironic comedian mad with shame .
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and they have to present BBC Four documentaries as a form of penance.
LAUGHTER Or else they go to America and they do their irony over there, where, ironically, the people don't have a sense of irony.
LAUGHTER Anyway, I'm going to finish on a song, as threatened.
And this is how you do comedy songs.
What you have to do is choose a subject and then do it like an impression of someone.
So, er To help me on this, will you please welcome, from Brighton, on the banjo, Nick Pynn.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And, er All right? Now I got to thinking, er, what would it be like if, er Bob Dylan from the '60s took a look at stand-up comedy in Britain today.
Well, I think it would be a little bit like this.
There's a bus That never comes Except in threes There's a train that never runs Because of leaves LAUGHTER And there's a woman that never comes Perhaps she's dead And there's a toaster And it always burns the bread LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, there's a town in the north-east of England Where the weather's always freezing And the girls parade around in inappropriate clothing And there's a drawer of random objects In the shed And there's a toaster And it always burns the bread I don't believe you You're a liar LAUGHTER You're a liar And your pants are lit on fire LAUGHTER You're a la-la-la-la la-la-la-la La-la-la-la la-la-la-la liar And your name Is Michael f LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well, there's a Dalek And it just can't get up stairs And this old bald man combing over his last three remaining hairs And there's a student Olympics athlete Lying stoned in bed You know what, mate? It's obviously the last fucking thing! That'll be right in the front of that shot.
You horrible man.
LAUGHTER GROANING AND BOOING I mean, how much longer could it go on at that speed? LAUGHTER There's 30 seconds in it! I'm not having the public in to shows again.
LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE If only there was some way of eliminating you from the equation.
LAUGHTER If it was just me and broadsheet journalists LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE .
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in a self-congratulatory loop.