Still Open All Hours (2013) s02e04 Episode Script

Well, Leroy, what do you see? You, rubbing your hands together like some old money grabber.
Less of the "old".
Anyway, rubbing your hands together is a grocer's ancient spiritual practice.
Spiritual? Yes, it's the small shopkeeper's form of yoga.
I learnt that from the "ma-ma-ma" master.
You know, there are some experts who can rub their way to a transcendental state of pure avarice.
Ooh! - Don't you have to sit cross-legged? - Mm? - Mm? Oh, yes, sometimes - as long as you're not near the bacon slicer.
HE SNIFFS Wait for it, will you? BELL CHIMES Oh! You're early, Mr Newbold.
Oh, you have to be, if you want to get here on your own, unaccompanied free.
- Heh! How is Mrs Featherstone? Relentless.
Oh, dear.
Yes, anyway, er, would you excuse us for just a moment, sir? Come here, you.
- Take your time, I'm enjoying the lack of companionship.
- Yes.
Now, listen, what is your opinion of Mrs Featherstone? Frightening.
Mm, yes, agreed.
But don't you think that she'd make a perfect partner for Mr Newbold? Why do you care? Well, because whenever Mrs Featherstone hasn't got a man in tow, she looks hungrily at me.
Ah! May I be the first to wish you both every happiness? Thank you.
Oh! Jeez.
Now, what can I help you with, er, Mr Newbold? I think I'm beyond help.
Oh, really? We've got some nice kippers.
She doesn't like kippers.
- What about you? - Oh, she likes me, that's the problem.
You lucky devil.
I have seen men crawling across that doorway on their hands and knees broken in spirit because she has rejected them.
I missed that.
Must've been out.
Well, if one comes in again, broken in spirit, ask him how he managed it.
Now, Mr Newbold, don't be hasty, I know that she no longer is a professional wrestler What? She no longer wrestles professionally - but she would keep you safe, Mr Newbold.
A sound woman in so many ways.
Mostly in my way.
Yeah, well, she runs a neat ship - housekeeper of the year 2004, her place is spotless.
No wonder.
She's never in it - she's always in mine.
Oh! Mr Newbold, kippers Your I've got some very nice Damn.
"No longer wrestles professionally"? Hmm? You get worse, you do.
Oh He got away.
BELL CHIMES Delivery.
Where do you want it? Oh, just drop it here.
CRASH One item.
Sign here.
Can we accept the possibility that the contents might be damaged? Why should they be damaged? Guess.
- You want me to lift it? - Mm.
With my back? A thing that size?! HE LAUGHS No.
- I shall sign it unexamined, hmm? - Mm.
You don't walk like you've got a bad back.
I fight through the pain, don't I? Until it gets too much for me.
Agh! Hullo! What's this, then? It's your lucky dip.
It's that mystery lot you bought, sight unseen.
Guaranteed to contain items worth more than I paid for it.
You know, that Madge she desperately need the comfort of a man in her life.
Well, there's Gastric.
He could be a comfort in your life, providing you've got a tail you can wag.
- Mm.
I think Madge has got a tail and it's forked.
He's no experience with women.
He was married.
She left him on their honeymoon.
Not till midweek.
He's a warm-hearted, decent human being - internally.
The outside needs a bit of work.
Well, who else is good-hearted enough - or should I say, daft enough - to tackle her? I was thinking that I might organise the four of us on a on a date.
- You're not getting me out on a! - No, not you! Not you and me.
- What?! - No! I meant me and Mavis and Gastric and Madge.
- Oh! - Mm.
Madge'll never go for that.
But what if it were a blind date and she wouldn't know who were coming? - Oh! - Mm! Now, that is sneaky.
Just one of the weapons in a small shopkeeper's armoury.
HE CHUCKLES Eh? Oh I've been up half the night with Gastric, you're just the man.
an upset stomach.
I must've eaten something.
Eaten something?! You eat everything.
Rubbish.
Oh, we have that for lunch.
Right, now I want you to blow in that, blow it up and then pinch it by the neck.
Could I ask what for? Look, save your breath for blowing.
Just, er, blow it up - just do it.
- Ugh - Good.
Right.
What's all this about? Yeah, I was wondering that.
Ah, thank you.
Diagnosis.
We're going to find out what is wrong with Gastric's digestive system.
With a balloon? This is more than a balloon now, ain't it? It's got you inside it.
It's got all your molecules, your DNA - it can even tell what you had for supper last night, all we've got to do is to listen to it.
Listen to what? To you coming out of the balloon.
You don't want to be trapped in there all day, do you? Now, wait a minute Don't fight it, Gastric.
It's bigger than the both of us.
Look, just-just be quiet, will you? Listen to what it tells us about Gastric.
What can a balloon tell us about me? Everything! The ancient Egyptians, they built their entire medical knowledge on this sort of thing.
The ancient Egyptians had balloons? Mainly for, er, birthdays and stag nights.
No, they did not - they had bladders of goats and of camels, right? Now, unless you want to wait for a camel to come through here, can we get on? Go on, I'll give it a go.
Right, quiet please.
It takes concentration, this.
BALLOON SQUEAKS HE MIMICS SQUEAKING BALLOON SQUEAKS PFFFR You heard that? Obvious, ain't it, eh? You're lovesick.
- Lovesick? - Mm-hm.
It's a stomach problem.
Yes, well, that's where the deepest love lies, doesn't it? Right down there in the in the belly.
I mean, who said that? Probably William Shakespeare.
Or was it Mr Arnold Smethwick of Wolverhampton? Who am I supposed to be in love with? Well, it's obvious - it was Madge, wasn't it? Didn't you hear it? Didn't you hear the balloon? When it went like that, it went, "Maaaaadge!" I've sent Gastric home to get his best suit on.
I want him looking sharp for his date tonight.
You think Madge will turn up? Oh, yes, Madge will turn up - even if it's only just to annoy me and Mavis.
Till she sees Gastric.
Supposing we hit her with a more sophisticated, suave - dare I say, elegant - Gastric, eh? Mm Cos you know that ladies like surprises, don't they? I wouldn't dare.
Right, what have we got here? The Pyongyang Cosmetic Company? What the heck have you bought? "North Korea's first venture into the beauty industry.
" "352 tubes of invisible lip salve for chapped lips "in three flavours.
" Yeah, well, that's good - choice, choice, three what are the flavours? "Peasant flags unfurling" Yes, yes, good.
"Death to capitalism" and "the east is cerise".
Well, that's catchy.
HE CHUCKLES Well, forget the flavours and concentrate on the product, hey? It's not winter.
Who gets chapped lips? Well, we don't need to say that they are FOR chapped lips, do we? - For what, then? - Mm We'll think of something.
Wait! What do I need with bullets? It's not a bullet.
It's a love charm from North Korea.
Who told you that twaddle?! At the shop.
Listen, whatever your name is Call me Mick.
Take it back to North Korea.
Take it personally and ask for a refund.
You've forgotten the magic, haven't you? That That thing we had.
I squeezed your boil.
If ever I got another one, I swore I'd be back.
I've retired - from nursing, from boils and especially from dozy men.
Well, at least take the flowers.
What am I going to do with the flowers? Don't tempt me.
Yes.
It's coming.
The new image is coming.
GASTRIC CHUCKLES Some way still to go.
Yes, yes but, er, you know, you're given top marks for trying.
The man is looking tastier, isn't he? Gorgeous - even charismatic wouldn't be going too far.
Oh, you think? Tell him, Leroy.
Well, I think it's a good suit.
It must be - look how long he's made it last.
Oh, they don't make 'em like this any more.
No! Thank goodness, no.
Well, who's he when he's at home? Remind me.
How did you meet him? I've told you - he says I once squeezed his boil.
Oh, that's one boy-meets-girl story that's never going to be made into a film.
I can't think what's got into him.
It's called romance.
You're a big tulip, our Mavis.
It makes the world go round.
It's all right when you're 16, but who wants a man round your neck at our age? And where's Mr Newbold been hiding, then? Before you spotted him.
Just around the corner, would you believe? He was there, all alone, and nobody said a word.
He still looks lonely.
I bet he's known tragedy in his life.
If he hasn't, he soon will.
I shall be glad to get out of this suit.
You'll be cooler when the sun goes down.
I shall be cool enough with that Madge.
She'd freeze anybody! No, no, no, no - the balloon, think of the balloon.
The balloon is never wrong.
Deep down inside you, you want this woman.
You want to lift her up and you want to carry her away.
It's the Tarzan thing.
"Carry her away"! Where to? To where all lovers want to go - to paradise, to that little den that you have, you know, tucked away for her.
I used to rent this static caravan at Hornsea.
Do you want a choc ice? Oh, I'd sooner have a cornet - with a great big lickable lump.
We'll, that's you all over, ain't it, Gastric? Heh-heh-heh, hey? You're a great big lickable lump.
HE CHUCKLES That is the image that we want to give to Madge, ain't it, eh? Ohh! There we go.
Oh-ho, ho! Don't get it down your suit.
Oh, are you saying I'm a messy eater? Only when you're eating.
Because I want you looking your best for Madge tonight.
- Well, I've given it all I've got.
- Yes.
Hah! Looks like your dog's been giving it all he's got - look at you, you're covered in dog hairs, look.
Oh, that.
I'm always covered in dogs' hairs.
We have the solution - we have the solution.
This little monster here will soon sort you out.
You know, this is a combined vacuum cleaner and hairdryer which means it sucks as well as it blows.
HE CHUCKLES Right, so IT WHIRS Ah! Here we go.
Oh! Hey, hey, look at that! That's working.
Hey, hey, hey SQUELCH Hey! Oh! Oh, hey! Have you seen the power of this thing?! Oh, heck.
I can't go on a date like this.
I'll have to cancel.
No, no, not so fast.
You can't cancel.
No, er You'll wait until you've had the benefit of the, er Arkwright washing and pressing service.
How long we had one of those? For years.
We just didn't realise we had the equipment for it.
WATER GUSHES Is Gastric in there? - Yeah.
- Lock him in, lock him in.
'Oi, hey, oi!' Well, that's it, see? Gastric oughtn't to see this professional bit.
You see, to the layman it might look like we're mishandling his suit.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can see that.
Here you are - c'mon, your turn.
Keep it going.
That's it, go on.
Well, put your back into it, you Ha-hey, go on.
But we haven't got chapped lips.
They've not had that much wear and tear.
No, but chapped lips in North Korean is loosely translated as "kiss me" lips.
Can you see blokes wearing this stuff? Giving it a quick touch up when they pass a mirror? They'll soon start getting fidgety at the darts club.
No, no, no, it's invisible - people don't know you're wearing it.
What are you saying it does, exactly? Or even roughly? Listen, you've got to open your minds.
I'm open-minded.
I like Chinese food.
I like to think I'm free of any prejudice.
Except for people from Warrington which I think is understandable.
Mm, yeah.
This stuff was working its magic before there even was a Warrington.
I'm inclined to like it already.
I don't know how it works, but this powerful lotion tends to draw people to your lips.
I wouldn't want to be wearing it when I pass that bloke at the Post Office.
Could we narrow it down a bit? Yes - people of the opposite sex.
Oh, you're moving into my sphere of interest, now.
This attracts people that you're close to.
You apply it on your lips, and as soon as you have, your nearest and dearest will start to pucker.
She'll go Give over! Hey, get real.
Stop acting like a pair of local yokels, you two.
There's a thousand years of oriental magic behind this stuff.
They have some funny ideas, it's true.
Well, as far as I can see, it's the same idea as us - they just go about it in a funnier way.
You see, they were skilled in the arts of love when we were still painting by numbers.
Aye, and some of us still are.
But that will change once your partner finds that she can't resist.
I'll try one.
You must be barmy.
Ah, go on, then, make it two.
Ugh We'll never get it dry enough! They managed in the old days.
Oh - and what about pressing? That's been arranged.
You're doing it.
I only do a bit of ironing - normal laundry.
Well, now's your chance to move up to the next level, ain't it? Does that come with more money? You see, Leroy, you've got to look at it this way - one day all of this, and that, will be yours.
So, by not giving you a raise I am building up your nest egg.
So, technically, you could say that I am working for you.
Oh! All right, then - but don't expect a raise.
Oh, no.
SHOUTING: Is my suit ready yet? No, no, no - give us a chance, will you? This is never going to get the water out.
Well, we need more intelligent use of what's available.
You know, I never did get to finish that ice cream.
- Oh, go on - help yourself.
- Oh! 'What's the matter with them all?! 'Something's going on.
' I don't know what I passed Cyril in the street - he looked like his lips were going wild.
Well, now, that's funny, because I've just seen Eric and he was pushing his lips about.
I thought, "I hope you're not aiming those at me.
" - They look like they've been sucking a lemon.
- Yes, but why? And not the same lemon, one would hope.
- There's some very strange things going on in this neighbourhood.
- Mm! Sharing a lemon not the sort of thing you should be seen doing in the street.
Ladies, what is your pleasure? Oh, well, thank you for asking, Granville but I think I'll do me shopping first.
Now, Granville, if Mr Newbold comes in here on his own, turn him round and send him home.
I can't do that! Of course he can't do that.
I don't like him spending unsupervised.
I promised his mother I'd look after him.
You never knew his mother.
Well, I would've promised, had we met.
BELL CHIMES Oh, good day, ladies.
Sugar, Granville.
I'll get it, I know where it is.
SHE SCREAMS Oh He wanted an ice cream.
Well, he looks cool enough to me.
Are you all right, love? I hope you only got a brief glimpse.
Now, in situations like this, I always think it's best to look them straight in the eye.
I'm sorry for losing it, but you don't see many of those on your baking shelf.
You just caught him between trousers.
I never touched him! That was always my policy - unless there was a medical reason.
Don't worry, he'll be fully clad within the hour.
Oh, I'm pleased to hear it - I was worried you might be keeping him for display purposes.
I'm sure there'd be little demand for what he were advertising.
Now Oh! HE COUGHS Ooh-ah! Ah-ah Ooh, ha, ah-ah-ah-ah! - Ooh! - Ooh, ooh! Agh! How am I meant to press this? Perfectly.
And get a move on - I've got to keep Gastric away from this suit until it is presentable.
He's going to be away a long time.
BELL CHIMES Where's Gastric? Er, we're keeping him in the privy.
Is that legal? No, not forever - it's just until his suit's ready, he tends to excite the ladies.
It's not working with Madge.
She's still coming tonight, though? Yes - to keep an eye on you and me.
Oh, right, well, it's a start.
I mean, you know, if she likes going out in a foursome.
I wouldn't exactly say "likes", but she thinks it's better than you and me going off on our own.
Where does she get these attitudes from? She's not wanted for war crimes anywhere, is she? Nobody's perfect.
No.
Well, anyway, it's progress.
I thought she might back out entirely when she knew her date was Gastric.
Ah, well, yes - did I actually tell her? I intended to, but I got busy - you know how it is.
I like your eyes.
Oh, they're just eyes.
Not from this side.
THEY CHUCKLE BELL CHIMES Is it ready? Tell me it's ready! There's a lot riding on that suit.
Ta-da! Oh, yes, What a good job.
Well, it's all in the wrist.
Any good presser will tell you that.
He'll be a right girlie magnet, won't he, hey? Clean, well-pressed, smart.
Got to be worth something - even to Madge.
What time you going out? When we close.
Be a couple of, er, you know get-to-know-you drinks.
- Mm-hm.
Back to their place for a bit of late supper, and, um don't wait up.
SPINE CRACKS Oh! Mm Now, the question is, do we feed Gastric before we go? I'd hate to turn him loose at Madge's if he's hungry.
Ey-up! That North Korea, it's going to be a big name in loving circles.
Save me a dozen.
Well, are you coming out, or what? That's if you've got time to wait.
At that speed, he's not your dashing lover, is he? - I expect he's being careful not to spoil his creases.
- Mm.
Oh oh! Agh Oh! Aah! Oh Ngh You've ruined his suit.
Me?! That's inferior material, that is.
It's got a grip like a boa constrictor.
I think supper's off There's no room for aught else in here.
Augh! Nicely cleaned and pressed, though - let's be fair.
Wait - sit down, if it's painful.
- There.
- Sitting down's not all that easy.
Oh oh TROUSERS RIP Oh! BOTH: Oh! Oh! 'It's going to be a tricky suit to get out of.
'I wonder if he'll have to live in it forever.
' Did you enjoy wrestling? You can forget that stuff till I get a ring on this finger.
'Under the circumstances, I think I'm going to have to forget 'that Gastric still owes me for that ice cream.
' "Open at the other end.
" 'Hm! 'I should've stuck that on Gastric's trousers.
'