Stuck in the Middle (2016) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Hey, Dad, a little help.
We need more cups, straws, syrup, and if there's one laying around, another me.
Any chance I could get some back-up? Didn't you hire Lewie and Beast? Hire them? I can't get them to leave.
We're building a new product line.
The slushy pants.
Keeps you chilled inside and out.
Patent pending.
After you've finished all the slushy, you don't even have to take off your pants to pee.
Which warms your toes.
Convenient, since they're frozen by then.
Guys, this falls under the same category as your chowder rain boots idea.
No.
Hey.
I know you.
Phil Durning.
You gave Rachel her driver's test.
So how's life in the fast lane down at Motor Vehicles? Uh, I wouldn't know.
I was fired.
Twenty years, and I got the boot for some bad online feedback.
Uh-oh.
I posted a bad review of Phil because I thought he flunked Rachel when she didn't deserve it.
But no one gets fired for one bad review.
Yep, just one bad review.
It was the excuse my boss needed to give the job to his nephew.
Then it was, "Hit the road.
" Wow.
I feel terrible.
Don't feel bad.
Not your fault.
(chuckles) Of course it wasn't my fault.
Who said it was my fault? Anyway, it was good to see you, Harley.
Can you point me towards your tents? Oh, good, you're taking a vacation.
No, I'm going into the woods to figure out where my life went wrong.
Like a left turn into oncoming traffic.
I got a man fired.
Fired! This is bad, really bad.
I'm a monster! Okay, I'm spiraling.
And when I spiral, I talk to Ethan.
He's the one in the family who makes me feel better, - and sets me straight.
- You're a monster.
Thanks for nothing.
I could've gone to Rachel for that.
I feel terrible.
You need to find Phil a new job.
Find a grown man a job?! What's next, buy him a house, put his kids through college? If you don't find him a job, you might have to.
I don't know anyone hiring adults.
I barely know adults.
Hang on.
You want me to hire Phil? You're an adult, he's an adult.
It's meant to be.
I don't know, Harls.
I just don't need anyone in the store right now.
- But you do.
- Me? The boss of a grown-up? Wouldn't that be weird? Phil Durning, reporting for duty.
Would you like me to call you Harley or Miss Diaz? Uh-oh.
Oh! I forgot my lumbar support vest.
I will be right back.
Okay? Yep.
Super weird.
Hey, hey, hey, hey Sometimes it feels like things are outta control Like you're living in a circus Tryin' to figure out your way in the world Where you're at is kinda perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing, don't stop Let the games begin, let's jump right in I wanna get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I wanna get stuck with you In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat I wanna get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I wanna get stuck with you Not my new lip kits, not my new lip kits.
Report card.
Lip kit? That's not my new lip kit.
For Daphne? I wasn't expecting a package.
Do you mind opening it? It might be from one of my enemies.
(music box plays "Happy Birthday To You") "Sasha Berringer is turning eight at the Red, White, and You doll store, so don't be late.
Crumpets and tea for you and your doll.
Right next to the Poodle Palace at the Wellbury Mall.
" A party? I'll take Deathne.
Don't tell her dolls will be there.
She doesn't like them.
Obviously, you have no idea what a Red, White and You party is like.
I have tea parties all the time.
Which usually end with one of your dolls getting bumped off.
I used to love Red, White, and You parties.
You get to dress up like your doll, sit at a fancy table, and eat off real china.
You cannot go like this.
And you cannot take that.
We haven't even got to your attitude yet.
Keep talking, and my dolls might not be the only ones getting bumped off.
FYI, death threats fall under "attitude.
" All right, so I have a new employee three times my age.
No worries.
I drank coffee to feel more grown up.
I spit it out because coffee's gross.
What are grown-ups thinking? Anyway, got my clipboard, my assignments.
Time to boss it up.
Got my trusty support vest, and I'm ready to support my new boss.
Boss.
Right.
Okay, how about you clean the rotors on the slushy machine? - Wait.
- Oh.
That's a messy job; I can't ask you to do that.
You're wearing, like, real people clothes under that.
Oh, here's one.
Fill up the straw caddy.
No.
You're way over-qualified for that.
You know what? I'll knock the rest of these out myself.
- So I should - Take a five-minute break.
Or ten.
In fact, take the whole day.
You're an adult.
I bet you don't even have a bedtime.
Sorry we're late.
Traffic was a bear.
And that ant hill wasn't gonna poke itself.
Guys, you're not late to work, because you never had the job.
I have a real employee now.
Hello, boys.
I haven't seen you since you attacked me with water cannons for no reason whatsoever.
Is this gonna be a problem with us working together? You don't work here! Fine.
Find somebody else to put ice down their pants and pee in their shoes.
That is not a job requirement.
She's back, like a wart.
I don't think you understand how important it is that you fit in at Sasha's party.
Please.
I go to a lot of parties.
I do pretty well for myself.
That's because first graders are nice, and invite all the girls in their class.
That stops at about fifth grade.
You have to make a good impression now.
If you don't, bye-bye, parties, and hello whatever Georgie does on a Saturday night.
Deathne, don't bury Mr.
Chimp like that.
Bury him deeper so he never gets out.
Okay.
I'm gonna tell you something that if you repeat, you'll end up like Mr.
Chimp.
(sighs) When I was your age, I was invited to Mitzi Holman's karate party.
Everybody wore karate clothes except me.
I was rocking my first pair of skinny jeans.
My first roundhouse kick, I Let me guess.
You ripped your pants.
No.
I farted.
It turns out karate clothes are loose for a reason.
For two years, they called me Sensei Stink Butt.
That's pretty good.
It took me till fourth grade to recover from that.
And it's me.
If you go to the Red, White, and You party like this, those girls are gonna make massive fun of you.
You might never recover.
I don't care.
But Deathne might.
Hey, back from my break.
Great.
Uh, why don't you go to lunch? I'm sensing the difference in our ages is making you uncomfortable.
I'm sorry.
It's just, I'm not used to having someone work for me who actually works or shaves.
Look, it's awkward for me, too.
I'm just looking to stay busy until I decide what road to follow next.
Two seconds is safe following distance, by the way.
I'm sure you'll figure out what you wanna do.
You just gotta find your passion and go for it.
That's how I started the Slushy Shack.
Didn't hurt that my dad owned the store, but My passion was driving.
Oh, I think of the way the Motor Vehicles just yanked my heart out.
Yeah.
Who's ready to sling some slushies? Okay, I'm the waiter at the tea, and I'm putting down this plate of scones.
We don't grab.
Yes, we do, or we starve.
I'm not talking about our family.
I'm talking about human beings.
Let's start at the beginning.
What do you do when you enter the party? Find the biggest kid there, then stare him down.
Let him know who's top dog.
Good in prison, not at tea parties.
First, locate all the mirrors.
That way, when you start talking to someone boring, you can check your hair until you turn the conversation back to yourself.
That's very interesting.
Okay, what do you do if someone asks you if you like their party dress? I'd say you like you're wearing your grandma's curtains.
No.
You say, "That looks so cute.
" That's like saying you look like you're wearing your grandma's curtains without saying it.
That's so cute! So how's it going being the boss of an adult? Turns out, fantastic.
I gave him the morning off, and in three years, he's gonna teach me how to parallel park.
- (gentle music playing) - What's that? (music continues) - (horn beeps) - Check it, Harley.
Phil's Slushy Shed! I took your advice, followed my passion.
Yeah, and plopped it right in front of my passion.
I'm going into business for myself.
What do you think? I think I'll let you two talk.
Bye.
I think it's really I don't wanna crush Phil's dreams.
But if he stays here, he'll kill my business.
How to put this delicately? This is my turf! You gotta bounce! Don't worry.
I'm not setting up here.
I've got a spot across town.
I just came by to thank you.
Your advice put me on the road to happiness.
The lights are all green, and I'm speedin' toward my future.
That is obviously a metaphor, 'cause speeding is a no-no.
That's me, Harley Diaz, helping people help themselves since 2003.
In fact, let me be the first to leave you some online props.
All right.
Phil Durning, or as I call him, Phil McAwesome Slush, is the best.
Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.
Why does that sound familiar? Phil Durning, or as I call him, Phil McAwful Driver, is the worst Motor Vehicle employee ever.
Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.
Did you write the bad review that got me fired? That depends on how mad you're going to be.
Why would you do that? Funny story.
I thought it was your fault Rachel failed, which it wasn't.
My bad.
But since we're such good friends now, it's all water under the bridge.
We can laugh.
(nervous laughter) Water under the bridge? You got me fired! Security marched me out in the middle of Cora's baby shower.
I didn't even get to see her face when she opened my ladybug plates.
New plan.
This truck isn't going anywhere.
But Phil, these are my customers.
Not for long.
Grand opening special.
All slushies, half price! Phil, I have a loyal following.
They're not going to leave me just for some discount.
You're right.
First 50 slushies free! Dad! What are you doing? A Diaz never says no to free dessert.
Awesome news! I totally splurged and bought you a Red, White, and You doll all your own.
I'm returning it right after the party, so don't get it dirty.
Take it away.
It's hideous.
This is Britta.
She's a poor Swedish immigrant who came to America to become the first female bobsled racer.
I couldn't get the bobsled, it was non-refundable.
Her core values are kindness and compassion.
You trying to give me nightmares? Take it, or I will be your nightmare.
I can't believe Phil's destroying me with my own idea.
Darn me and my inspirational personality.
You talking about Phil? The ice jockey who stole our jobs? You mean my business.
The jobs weren't yours to steal.
Pfft.
Details.
We have a meticulously thought-out plan to get Phil back for you.
Yeah.
We're gonna shoot frozen mini pancakes at him with a slingshot.
We were gonna do waffles, but we ate those while we were coming up with the plan.
Forget it.
I'm not fighting dirty.
I'm better than that.
But I will take a pancake.
If you change your mind, we'll be outside, eating the rest of our ammo.
If I'm going to beat Phil, I need to come up with some eye-popping promotion.
And I'm gonna help you, because no one messes with my sister.
And because you're sorry about telling me to find Phil a job.
Oh, you remembered that.
Slushy Shack, yo! Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Excuse me, my esteemed siblings.
May I have a large Kendrick Lamarmalade, please? What is she wearing? What is she saying? The last time I heard her say please was, "Please let me pull your scab off.
" I said no; she did it anyway.
And may I say, Harley, that outfit is so cute.
Thanks.
Thank you for my beverage.
It's most refreshing.
Get out of here.
You're freaking us out.
Yes.
Nailed it.
(phones chiming) - What is that all about? - Maybe it's about this review.
"At the Slushy Shack, I found a finger in my Alicia Kiwi.
" Gross.
That's what happens when you let Lewie and Beast work here.
They don't work here! And all of my drinks are finger-free! This was Phil.
Horrible adult Phil.
Guess he's not afraid to fight dirty.
Finger slushy or not, I had a magnificent time.
(muffled) Stole my customers! Finger slushies! You're absolutely right.
We can't let Phil get away with this.
See, this is why you're my BFTF.
You understand couch mumble.
The gloves are coming off.
We need to fight dirty, too.
Lewie and Beast were right.
I never thought I would hear those words come out of my mouth.
Whatever we do, it's gotta be bad.
Yeah.
Ooh, what if we soap his windows? There we go.
Sparkly clean.
- That's a terrible idea.
- Well, what do you have? I say we fill up his truck with something so he can't work.
It's not my birthday.
Oh, we're too nice.
What would Daphne do? Britta and I are off to tea.
- More like where did Daphne go? - Yeah.
Rachel is going to drop us off at the party.
Ta-ta.
I did that.
Hard to believe it's the same girl who once had a pet cockroach.
I got it! I know how to get Phil back.
I'm gonna need rubber gloves, fishing net, a big bucket, and some chocolate chip cookies.
Wait, how do the cookies play into it? They don't.
Sudden inspiration makes you snacky.
And this is Deathne.
She was born in Transylvania to a yak farmer, and the queen of the undead.
Her core values are holding a grudge, - and kicking out teeth.
- (Rachel laughs nervously) Kicking out teeth.
You're hilarious.
And now, Deathne's favorite accessory.
Her Pit And The Pendulum play set.
See how the blade goes back and forth? - Back and forth - Excuse me.
I need to have a moment with my sister.
What are you doing? This is not your party outfit.
You didn't like what I wanted to wear, so I brought this, and changed when I got here.
- That is so wrong.
- Really? Were you wearing that short skirt when you left the house? So you pulled a me on me.
I'm flattered, and furious.
You were jerking me around this whole time? I had to get you off my back.
So I went along with whatever you said, like you do with Mom and Dad.
Okay, freak show, you don't deserve it, but I'm gonna get you outta here before you embarrass yourself, or me.
Mostly me.
All this creepy weirdo stuff, Daphne's rehearsing for a play.
Don't ask me where it is; you can't see it.
We have to go.
But we wanna hear more about Deathne.
ALL: Yeah.
They like you.
Duh.
What's not to like? But thanks for worrying about me, Sensei Stinky Butt.
(woman shrieking) Now it's a party.
Operation Payback locked and loaded.
Phil doesn't think we can fight dirty? This is dirtier than the back of our shower curtain.
Harley, we've been thinking.
If you won't take care of Phil, we will.
- Yeah, we're gonna go commando.
- You mean going rogue.
Commando means not wearing underwear.
No, we mean commando.
Guys, appreciate the thought, but Ethan and I got this.
I built a motion-sensor device using a dual printed circuit So you're boring him into leaving.
Fast forward.
We took a ton of bait from the store, worms and crickets, and stuffed it in Phil's awning.
When he opens it up, it'll rain all over his customers.
Boom! One big, squirmy bait-nado.
And that's not the best part.
I'm getting it all on video and uploading it.
When it goes viral, he'll never sell another slushy again.
No need for praise.
The satisfaction is in the work itself.
So you're gonna bug bomb a bunch of innocent kids to get back at Phil.
What did they ever do to you? (scoffs) So? What was your big commando plan? We were gonna push his truck into a tow-away zone.
We wouldn't drop a bait-nado on our worst enemy.
We just got a moral lecture from two boys who are barely wearing underwear.
This might be a mistake.
(slushy truck music plays) - Who's ready for slushies? - (kids clamoring) He's going to open the awning.
BOTH (in slow motion): No! What were we thinking? Ugh.
This was all my fault.
I was the one who told you to fight dirty.
I was also the one who told you to get Phil a new job.
I know I'm your BFTF, but I'm not sure why.
From now on, let's stick to me telling you what to do.
That works for me.
I gotta change.
Hey, Phil.
About what happened out there I started it, and I'm supposed to be the adult here.
No more fighting dirty.
I learned my lesson.
Me, too.
I also learned what a night crawler tastes like.
No surprise.
Gross.
Look, I know you told me to follow my passion, Harley, and I tried, but slushies aren't it.
I just miss the thrill of getting into a car with a first-time driver.
Every day was like cheating death.
That's what my mom said when she was teaching Rachel.
Problem is, I can't go back to the Motor Vehicle Department, or call or write.
Kind of a pest after they fired me.
Well, you've already proven you can go into business for yourself.
Why don't you do that? You can teach kids how to drive.
Phil's Driving School.
That has a nice ring to it.
Know what has a better one? Phil McAwesome's Driving School.
Hey, I'll post your first review.
- Please don't.
- Yeah, no.