Taskmaster (2015) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Hello, I'm Greg Davies and
this is Taskmaster.
So far this series, Katherine
is in the lead,
but both Richard and Jon
aren't far behind her.
Tonight, it's the
penultimate episode
and because I'm in
charge of the scoring,
this golden trophy is still
everyone's to play for.
Everyone's.
Except Joe's.
Let's get cracking and meet
our mighty competitors.
They are
Doc Brown.
Joe Wilkinson.
Jon Richardson.
Katherine Ryan.
And Richard Osman.
And on my left-hand side, it's my
right-hand man, Alex Horne.
How do you do, Alex?
If you mean what do I do,
I do general admin.
How do I do it?
Efficiently and with a
great sense of humour.
So, uh, it's a nice role.
It's a nice role for me.
Aww. Nice Tinder entry.
OK. Prize time.
What's today's prize category?
Well, it's a good one. As always,
they have to bring in
something that one
of them might win.
Today we asked them to bring
in their coolest blue thing.
So, whoever brings in the
coolest blue thing
will win the first
points of the show.
Whoever wins the episode will go home
with all the cool blue things.
Katherine, let's start
with you, please.
What's your cool thing and why
should you get the points?
It's so cool. I
I'm convinced already.
I have a dog whose
job it is to bark
when she hears a
potential threat.
It's very annoying in
the modern world.
So I've got her this blue
collar that emits a tiny
to stop her
barking when she barks.
Isn't that cool?
Is it cool?
Doc, what cool blue thing
did you bring in?
It's the album Feel No Fret
by the Average White Band.
I'm telling you now, it's a cool
album, let alone being blue.
It's cool all the way through.
I've heard of the Average White Band.
I don't know any of their songs.
They're the funkiest Scottish
men on Earth.
I can show you a picture
of what they look like.
Yeah, we'll judge how cool
they are based on that.
- There we go.
- OK.
That's now! That's not fair. That's now.
That's now. I'm talking
about the seventies.
Sorry, mate. This isn't a
time-travelling show.
There are way more fleeces
than I thought there would be.
I put my hand up.
And they're not full fleeces,
they're gilets, mate.
I'm gonna give these guys a go.
Joe?
When you said "blue", I thought
you meant, like, filth.
Maybe I did.
So I bought my best, coolest,
filthy blue book.
I don't need to ask whether that's
genuinely in your collection.
It's, uh, it's semi-
autobiographical.
I see there it's the sexy tale of
a love slave in a floating brothel.
Yeah. I'll be honest with you,
it is a page-turner.
- Do you know anything about the book?
- I can read you an excerpt.
"With the rumble of the diesels"
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
"and the slosh of water in the
bilges as accompaniment,
she welcomed him with a
savagery and wantonness
alien to her usually hesitant nature."
- That's her.
- Quite nice, isn't it?
- Page 17!
- Page 17.
Richard, what did you bring?
Well, I brought this.
It is a genuine riot helmet.
It belongs to my son, and so I thought
maybe I should put that up for grabs.
Because then, at least,
he should know
a little bit about what
we've been through.
How old's your son?
He is two.
No, he's 15.
Is it cool for a 15-year-old to
want to crush civil liberties?
I think he wants to use it to
protect civil liberties.
I think it's quite the opposite.
- Oh, really? Ooh.
- Yeah, yeah.
What's your son's name?
Er, Sonny. Yeah, I know, right?
Hey, Sonny.
And my daughter, Daughtery, and
they're both here this evening.
Jon?
For the first time in the series,
Joe and I are on the same page.
- That's nice.
- 17?
I have also, since growing
up in the north,
only understand the word
"blue" to mean "filthy".
So this is a fridge magnet which I
purchased on holiday in Lanzarote.
Not especially blue, Jon.
You can open the book and see what
he's been up to on his holidays.
- Can we open the book?
- Yeah, we can open the book.
It's blue now!
If I don't win, can I borrow that?
Right, we're gonna crack on, I think.
I'm gonna make some snap decisions here.
I'm gonna put Richard in fifth place.
Katherine's in fourth place,
Doc's in third.
Joe's in second, and how could
I not put the pigs in first?
Not cool.
It's big task time.
Is it a good one, Alex?
It is, and here it is, in fact.
Have a look at this.
"Rescue the cat."
"Best rescue wins."
"Time starts now."
"Answers to the name Patatas."
Patatas? Patatas.
Is it in the tree?
Now, you're not gonna leave it anywhere
there's a health and safety issue, right?
Oh, we might do, actually.
You've left it somewhere where there's
a health and safety issue?
It's a cat, Richard.
Where's the cat?
The cat's somewhere, is it?
I have no idea.
Couldn't find it.
Oh, I see.
Before I ask you whether you were
daunted by the task at all,
I'm gonna make something
very clear to you.
My main concern when we
set this challenge
was the welfare of Patatas.
I am very fond of Patatas
and we consciously used
the word "rescue".
Mm-hm.
Any thoughts?
Well, I have to also say,
legally, it's not a real cat.
Just so you know, it's a dead cat.
But it's not a real dead cat.
It's a toy dead cat.
Shall we see some stuff?
Yeah, I thought we'd start with the
lovely young men: Doc, Joe and Jon.
Rescuing Patatas.
So this cat's not gonna
respond to its name.
My cats don't respond
to their names.
Patatas?
Is it in the tree?
Probably. Bloody cats.
Oh, there he is!
There it is.
Um, you haven't got a
tennis ball, have you?
There's stuff in the shed.
Ooh!
Great.
Get down, Patatas!
Ah.
Yes! Right in the face.
Come on, you little shit.
Ooh, God!
I need more weight.
Yes!
There you go.
Come on, you ginger bastard.
I got ya!
Ah!
Oh, God. I'm not enjoying this.
Oh, you are a little bastard.
Ah!
Good job I caught him.
He'd have been really hurt.
Right, anything to say
for yourselves?
About your rescue technique?
I think you'll find I caught the cat.
Cushioned the fall.
She had no impact.
Prior to the catch, what had
you thrown at the cat?
- Er, a football.
- Yep.
- Some tennis balls.
- Yeah.
- A tennis racket.
- Yep.
A lacrosse stick
A lacrosse stick?
A croquet mallet, a crutch
and a space hopper.
My sort of plan was, if I
don't rescue the cat
at least I can give it some things
to play with in the tree.
Jon also called the cat a dick
and then he called me a dick.
Just so you know.
Why did he call you a dick?
He was so cross, and then--
Lacrosse. He was Lacrosse!
Better.
Doc, do you wanna talk
about your technique?
Kind of similar to Jon, really.
As soon as I realised it was a toy cat,
there was a lot less care taken.
"Save the cat!" I'm like, "Oh, wow!"
Yeah.
And it's some ginger
piece of shit in a tree.
It's a toy.
You are calling the cat
a ginger piece of shit?
'Cause this is
Oh! Yeah, yeah.
This is auburn, mate.
This is an auburn beard.
That's auburn. I would never go there.
That's good. Joe, what have
you got to say for yourself?
Happy.
Yeah, wouldn't change a thing about it.
I would say Joe was very, very quick.
Joe got the cat down in
three minutes 55.
- Whoa!
- Oh, wow.
Well, Joe took three minutes 55.
Doc, seven minutes.
Jon took 20 minutes
and 55 seconds.
Twenty minutes?!
- A third of an hour.
- What on earth were you doing?
I threw a lot up in that tree.
OK. Katherine and Richard's cat rescue
attempts still to come, after the break.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where four comedians
and frequent guest
presenter Richard Osman
are all going head to head
keen to win Joe Wilkinson's well-
thumbed copy of Seagoing Sexpot.
Right, back to the task at hand, Alex.
Well, we've seen three pet
rescue attempts so far.
Joe whacked it out with a
football in under four minutes.
We're gonna see Katherine
and Richard together now.
Where's the cat?
I can't find it.
Where's this fucking cat?
That's the cat. Oh!
Son of a bitch.
So, if I gaffer some of this
stuff together, right?
I'm gonna just make something
high and smack it out.
This is no fair with Richard Osman.
Just reach up!
Oh! Not easy, this one.
Yeah.
How long do I have to keep doing
this before I can give up?
If you could catch Patatas
in this net, that'd be great.
Alright, here we go.
Whoa.
Cat's coming down. Today.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Aw, there you go. Come on!
Come on!
Uncle Alex is gonna catch you!
There you go!
Well done, Alex!
There's no way this is working.
That's the spirit.
I kind of want the clock to
run out, if I'm honest.
I'm not enjoying this at all.
- Just so you know.
- You're not enjoying it?
I'm not. Does that come across?
OK, that's good.
You gonna chuck anything
else into the tree?
Oh
I might not. That was awful.
Still, sorry, Patatas.
Bye-bye, Richard.
- Bye, Alex.
- Bye-bye.
Why did you decide to give up on Patatas?
Oh, because I think I'd been
going for about 45 minutes.
I'd literally lost the will
to live, and I thought,
"D'you know what? It's
not a real cat."
I really tried my best,
I guarantee you that.
I tried so hard.
In Richard's defence, he didn't
hit it with any balls,
and at the tip of his
badly-constructed pole
there was a brush, so he
was mainly combing
In my defence, the cat
was the least harmed
of all the cats in any of
the rescue attempts.
Let's talk about Katherine's
rescue attempt.
Pleased with it?
I'm very pleased.
First, I disturbed the
branches with my balls.
I should've disturbed the
branches with my balls.
That's what I should've done!
Ugh, that's where I went wrong.
My expletive was based on
my athletic abilities.
Not on the cat.
What did you say?
"Son of a bitch!" like that.
Not as bad as calling you
a dick, then, is it?
No, I've not recovered.
It wasn't directed at anyone.
And then I really have to give
a lot of praise to Alex
because he was able to
catch Patatas in a soft bag.
But the point is, it was your idea
to catch poor Patatas
in the soft bag,
and that's where you score big.
OK, what does that mean?
Here comes my judgment.
OK.
No points to Richard, 'cause
he didn't rescue Patatas.
Fourth place, slow and brutal
Jon Richardson.
Third place, very quick. Joe.
Third? What the fu
Second place, Doc.
He used string. Cats like string.
- True.
- First place, Katherine.
- Woo-hoo!
- She caught the cat. Done.
What are the scores
so far, Alex?
It's genuinely the most exciting
scoreboard so far.
There are four people
tied in first place.
Get out!
OK, I want another task.
You can have another task.
Here is another task.
Pineapple.
"Conceal this pineapple
on your person."
"No part of the pineapple
may be thrown away."
"You have 20 minutes, after which
Alex will inspect you."
"Most incorrect guesses wins."
And I'm the only girl.
"Your time starts now."
Right then. I guess I should eat some.
I could do a courgette.
I could do oranges, an apple.
This is
I mean, it is incredible to me
that that's the conclusion
you would come to.
"This is clearly what they
want me to do with this."
I don't even think I could
do a courgette.
I wanna clear that up.
I'll be honest with you, there is
a page on that in my book.
OK, we're gonna see them preparing
for the Christmas game that
we always play every year.
"Conceal the Pineapple."
So we're gonna see them
tackling the prep.
- Fun times.
- OK. Here it is.
Ooh, this is a big pineapple.
Right. Shit.
Oh, I wanna eat it so bad.
You're not allowed to
eat it, are you?
"On your person", not
"in your person".
Looks nice, doesn't it?
If I eat some, and he
says "inside you",
has he has he got me?
I think it might be
cheating to eat it.
In my mind, I could eat
this whole thing.
I'm two slices in and
I'm struggling.
Very gritty.
Bit of waist-training.
Please don't leak.
Excuse me.
I should've worn bigger shoes.
Surprisingly, a lot of
moisture in these bits.
You can't tell that.
This one. Bear with me, gents.
I know what I'm doing with this.
Argh!
Urgh!
Aw, fuck!
It definitely won't go down there.
Ugh, it's leaking at the front now.
Joe, why did you use plastic bags?
Did you see yourself as
a pineapple mule?
Yeah, I forgot they sort of have
little holes in 'em, don't they?
Are you with them eating it?
Happy with that?
Yeah, I was gonna make
a ruling on that,
and I am going to allow eating it.
What? "On your person."
Yeah, but we sort of
talked about, you know,
the time Alex and I went
on holiday together
and we gobbled a load of
drugs in a condom.
If we'd have been arrested
Yeah.
the drugs would've been
deemed "on" our person.
I left pineapple juice on the
window sill for two days
drank it, and then shat myself.
Lovely story.
Yeah, yeah. It was at
a cash machine.
Well, do you wanna
see how they got on?
Yeah, I do.
It was most incorrect
guesses wins, OK?
And we're gonna start with
little and large,
Jon and Richard, if that's OK.
You seem to have
something perched on your head.
I mean, I can see a lot of pineapple
in a bowl on your
Have you got pineapple
in your mouth, Jon?
No?
Grapes!
Well, that worked.
Is there pineapple in
your right jacket pocket?
No.
Left pocket?
A fly just came out of
your right sleeve.
Is that because there's
pineapple in your right sleeve?
Fuckin' hell.
On the right-hand side of your left ankle.
Yes, there is pineapple.
Have you eaten some of
the pineapple, Jon?
It's looking very tight down here.
Thank you.
Is that because you put
pineapple down your pants?
It's in that trouser pocket.
That's a big bit!
Is there any pineapple in
your right glove?
Yes.
Is there any pineapple in
your left glove?
No!
You fell for the old two-glove trick.
Richard, is there any pineapple
in your crotch?
Yes, there is. Well done.
I think there's some pineapple
below your right buttock muscle.
Below the knee.
Up the sleeve.
Please could you roll up
your left trouser leg?
Is there any pineapple in
your left shoe?
No, sir.
Would you mind just rolling
up that right trouser leg?
Hello.
I think that's it.
Thank you, Jon.
- Well done.
- Thank you.
Essentially, you'd covered yourself
entirely in pineapple, right?
Yeah.
In a sort of weird Silence of the
Lambs-style pineapple suit.
Not the best I've ever
looked on telly, that.
You tricked me a couple of times.
You'd definitely played it before.
Very clever, but who won?
Well, it was different tactics.
Richard only hid it on four
places on his enormous body,
whereas Jon hid it in
17 different places.
And I guessed wrong on
Richard eight times
but 20 times wrong on Jon.
What?
I had 37 guesses before
I found all the pineapple.
He doesn't have 37 bits of his body.
I just thought, the more
places I put pineapple,
the more places he'll think
I've put pineapple.
And it worked.
And I've thought that
every day since.
How many times did you
guess Jon incorrectly?
20 times.
But he had pineapple everywhere.
Right pocket, no.
The little key pocket, yes.
Oooh.
You're a weird man.
Right, we need to pause
for a quick break.
We'll be back soon.
Hello, hello. Hope you had
a really good break.
Our five rivals have been
busy shoving pineapple
about their person, all in
pursuit of Jon Richardson's
filthy pig painted fridge magnet.
Let's see if Joe, Katherine
and Doc fared as well.
OK. Here we go.
I'm gonna start pedalling
in three, two, one
Now.
Ooh, there's a bulge in the crotch.
But is there always a
bulge in the crotch?
Always.
Argh!
A-a-argh
Is there some pineapple
hidden in your arse?
Yes.
There is pineapple in
my arse. Correct.
I feel like you might have
consumed some of the pineapple.
I did not.
Is there some pineapple inside Doc?
Yes.
You happy?
There's a lot dribbling out there.
Joe, is there pineapple in your hat?
No.
Well done.
Is the pineapple concealed in
cling film around your torso?
Yes!
Oh, I see!
Is there some pineapple on
your, sort of, behind?
No.
Doc, is there any pineapple
in your shoes?
Yes.
I essentially created two insteps
out of pineapple leaves.
Is there any pineapple
in your crotch?
Yes.
Have I found all the pineapple?
You have.
Plastic bag.
I think I saw quite a
lot of pubic hair.
- Did you?
- Would I have?
No, I'm clean-shaven.
Have you got some in your bra?
No.
In the front area?
What do you mean "the front area"?
S-sort of in your pants?
Wow.
That bit.
There it is.
Thanks, Katherine.
Thank you.
Would it be possible for everyone not
to look at my arse as I leave?
Could everyone not look at Joe's
arse as he leaves, please?
I'm 40 years old, you know.
Happy birthday.
So, that was the strategy, yeah?
Arse, crotch. Bish,
bash, bosh. Done.
I had, you know, had it
attached to my belt.
So I thought absolutely
nothing could go wrong.
Yeah.
Then I moved.
Do you have difficulties with
the anatomy of a woman?
Behind and front area.
Um, how did they do?
Um, well, they did alright.
No one so far has done
as well as Jon
beause Doc just hid it
in four places
and I guessed wrong five times.
And I ate a shitload.
Oh, yeah, and he ate a shitload.
Katherine also hid it in four places
but I guessed it wrong 14 times.
But partly 'cause I--
'Cause you were avoiding
her front area.
I was, yeah.
Plus, I had a really cool umbrella.
I just wanted to style
it out for points.
No points.
From bottom to top, Joe,
I'm afraid, was the worst.
Then Doc, then Richard,
then Katherine.
And then the Pineapple Guy, Jon.
What's next, Alex?
Well, uh, I think it's quite
apt to do this now.
We thought we'd do a
little experiment.
OK? So, have a look at this.
Hello.
"Set a fun task."
"Your task must take no more
than one minute."
"You have ten minutes."
"Your time starts now."
OK, and who am I setting it for?
For the others?
"Set a fun task."
This is why Taskmaster
is so brilliant,
'cause it's hard to set a task.
I don't even like people
making me tea.
Hard, isn't it?
Well, that's interesting.
So you do this all the time, right?
Well, the Taskmaster does it.
You help him out, I presume.
If I'm lucky.
Have you done how much
fudge you can eat?
In a minute?
OK, I think I've got it.
So, Alex, I'm a little bit confused.
We didn't see Jon setting a task for
No, we didn't. We wanted to
see what it would be like
if these guys set a task, and
we needed a guinea pig.
And obviously, the most
guinea-piggy of them all
Guinea-piggy?
So, what we're gonna do,
it's a little game.
We're gonna see Jon doing four tasks.
Jon, if you can guess
who set you each task
you'll get a point
per correct guess.
And if he doesn't guess your
task right, you'll get a point. OK?
So you could win four
points here, or the others
Or I could just lose four points
and have humiliated myself.
Yeah, yeah. That's the other option.
Great fun. Having a great day.
Really enjoying it.
It's a good job my kids
love this show.
I mean, I haven't got kids yet,
but they're watching this on
repeat until I go insane.
I think that covers the
autocue, "Jon reacts."
So if you could not give away when your
task appears, and then you can guess.
Oh, this'll be great.
"Prove how strong you are."
"Whoever looks the strongest wins."
"You have one minute.
Your time starts now."
Pick the table up, do you think?
Ooh. It's a heavy table,
isn't it, that one?
"Enjoy this clip of the Taskmaster."
"Whoever finds it the funniest wins."
I hope it's not The Inbetweeners.
I've never got it, to be honest.
"Your time starts now."
"Perform a recognisable rendition
of the 'William Tell Overture'
using just your hands and cheeks."
"You have one minute and one attempt."
I'm not sure which one the
"William Tell Overture" is.
Oh dear.
Oh, God.
"Present a makeup tutorial."
"Best tutorial wins.
You have one minute."
"Your time starts now."
I think I can get it over my head.
I want to tell you, first of all,
I'm a very tall man.
Welcome to, uh
Rico Face.
Oh, tastes horrible.
Eyes
I usually do this on the train.
Yeah.
This is awkward, isn't it?
This is for making your
cheeks nice and pink
if your cheeks aren't pink enough.
I've seen it before.
And that concludes this
month's makeup tutorial.
"How to Degrade Yourself
in Just Under a Minute."
So, when you guess, I want you
to guess the four things
Yes.
and then I'll tell you
how many you've got right.
I mean, if makeup tutorial isn't Katherine
Ryan, then it's a superb bluff.
Er, right
William Tell, I think
it's either Richard or Doc.
I'm too thick to know what that is.
William Tell.
Strong.
Stand-up.
OK. Well, thank you, Jon.
So I don't get any points for how
well I did any of those tasks.
No, but you got them all right,
so you get four points.
Well, unsurprisingly,
thanks to that performance,
Jon's now in the lead.
D'you know what I want next?
I'd like some DIY fun.
What's next?
Oh, we've got some DIY fun.
Oh, nooo
Oh, yes!
Oh, you are
absolutely kidding me.
This is horrendous.
"Using only the items on the rug,
construct the best thing
for the Taskmaster."
"You have 30 minutes."
"Your time
starts"
Let's have a look at what we've
got before you say that word.
- So, not the actual thing?
- The best thing for him.
"The best thing for the Taskmaster."
Um, we could do a sculpture.
- Yep. Taskmaster would love that.
- Yeah, modern art.
- Modern art.
- Can't be wrong, can it?
But it could be a survival
tent of some sort.
- If you build a
- Oh, a den!
Oh, he'd like a den, I think.
Yeah.
So, we could make some kind of Look
A fort, I think, with 30 minutes.
A fort?
- I really like fort.
- Fort is good, yeah.
I'm totally behind that.
Very perceptive. I do like a den.
And I guess I do like a fort.
I like the idea of, you know,
somewhere safe to hide away.
- Big men do, don't they, Richard?
- Oh, yes. Lovely, yeah.
A fort's better than a den for us, really.
A fort would be lovely.
We split them into teams for this,
and the way we did it
We did the 30-somethings
and then we did the father and son.
Richard and Jon "Richard's son". So
Ahh
So do you want to look at
the 30-somethings first?
Yeah, I'm full of hope.
I wanna see the safe
place for me to go
when I'm all frightened
and vulnerable.
OK. Here they are.
Sort of hard to even imagine
how to begin this.
The strongest shape is a triangle.
I think We don't know, we just
have to start doing something.
Whatever you do on that side, I will
do on this side. How about that?
- Joe, gaffer the feet.
- I don't know what
Gaffer the feet to the rug, mate.
Do it, like, nice and clean.
Yeah, the last thing I wanna
do is eff this up.
A real danger we could
balls this up.
We need it higher.
We need it higher!
OK, so what if we made a peaceful
sleep chamber on the inside?
Nice. Fucking loving that.
Sorry, what? A peaceful
sleep chamber?
What about if the Taskmaster
had his own puppet theatre?
- Mm-hm.
- That would work.
Is it a tiki bar?
There's stools for the
customer on the outside
and the Taskmaster's
the bartender inside.
What do you think?
Is that a bad idea?
I think it's fucking great.
Really good.
I wanna drink at this bar.
All you need is a bit of focus.
It's a really lovely tiki bar.
I really like it.
And I really liked Katherine
taking control.
Sort of sounded like a crazy
toddler on too many sweets.
We needed that. We needed that.
You know what? I felt bossy on
this task and I didn't like it.
But I could feel that time was
getting away from us,
and the boys were so
logical and frustrated
that there were no fittings.
Nothing fit!
I think maybe Doc was logical
I mean, I just heard you go,
"We need to make it higher!"
and everyone totally ignored you.
I-- I think we were a bit
disjointed as a team.
We needed Katherine to tell us
- what to do, basically.
- Yeah.
But, you know what? It looked
like you could build something
but you genuinely had
to use gaffer tape
and a bossy bitch.
Yeah.
Do you wanna see how grumpy Joe got?
Yes!
Did Joe not enjoy the task?
We've isolated Joe.
I hated it. They didn't
have the right screws.
This is Joe.
This is gonna be horse shit, isn't it?
I cannot tell you how
disappointed I am with this.
This is nonsense, isn't it?
It's-- It's some metal, some
plastic, and a cloth.
It could be This could
be horse shit.
I really I worry if
I'm sort of
the only one who thinks
this isn't anything.
It's
I think it's the core
idea that worries me.
We've got Katherine fizzing
with ideas
I just assumed when you
played that first clip
that you cut out how genuinely
pissed off Joe was.
Yeah, yeah.
I got so angry!
In the first second you said
everything was horse shit.
I said that for about seven minutes.
I tell you what, though.
I like the tiki bar.
- Do you?
- Yeah!
Good!
I didn't even know what a
tiki bar was before this
but I'd like to sit in it and maybe
serve some tikis and stuff.
Time for a break now. Come
back soon to find out how
Richard and Jon construct
things under pressure.
And after that excitement,
all five will be up on stage
behind me, battling it out for
the final task of the show.
Oooo!
Oh, hello! It's the final
part of the show.
Katherine Ryan's dog collar is
moments away from being won.
Now, what were we doing?
We were doing the flat-pack challenge,
and Doc, Katherine and Joe
reluctantly made you a tiki bar.
And we're now gonna see the
attempt of Richard and his son.
Who promised me a den, or a fort
Exactly.
Oh, a fort.
Was it a question?
- Roll VT.
- OK.
Can we think completely outside the
box and not make a structure at all?
But think of the fact that
we've got some tools.
We've got some gaffer tape.
We've got a canvas.
No, why don't we, um, kidnap
the Taskmaster's assistant?
Gaffer him up to a chair that we make
- Oh, yeah.
- and do a ransom note?
- OK.
- Yeah, shall we do that?
So, we just tie
Alex to some stools?
Yeah, so let's make a stool.
Oh, you little bastard.
I've made a stool.
Have you done it?
Oh, that's nice.
I have worries about the plan
and whether or not it's shit.
I think we definitely have to
gaffer him to the stools.
We're agreed on that.
It's the purpose of that
that I'm still
Oh, these go in this thing, I bet.
I think we're gonna have an
actual den at the end of this.
I just don't want
to be a part of this.
Why don't you sit on the back here
and we'll cut another hole here?
So if you sit down there
It's a good tickling station now.
I can tickle him now and there's
nothing he can do about it.
- I am quite ticklish.
- He's a little bit ticklish.
Whoa-oa!
It's like world bobsleigh
championships.
Greg would love this.
Hey, Greg. You don't know me,
because I wear my disguise.
But sometimes I know you
have an assistant.
You want to tickle him.
You tie him to a stool.
You sit behind him and you tickle him.
But people know you tickle him.
So you enter the Taskmaster
Tie-up Tickle Station.
I should wear a disguise
as well, really.
It's Richard Osman sat behind him.
From Pointless.
He let himself go.
Oh, he's gonna love this.
I mean, what's not to love, right?
Well, I mean, I
honestly don't know what
the fuck was going on.
I don't know what
you were thinking.
I wrote down some key things
to remind myself.
Er, my assistant was taped up,
and then I think it's a Mexican accent
you appeared at the end with
Colombian.
A Colombian accent with
a rug on your head.
I mean, who doesn't want--
There's some sexual tension
between you
What's that got to do with it?
- It's not tension. We're very happy.
- You can tickle away and
nobody knows what's going on.
I don't mind if people
see me tickling Alex.
- I am quite ticklish.
- Yeah, you like it.
Yeah. I mean, you gaffered me
very early in the half-hour.
That was the only clear bit of
the plan we had, to be honest.
Do you want me to pass
judgment on this shit?
Everybody on Katherine Ryan's team,
because they made an actual thing,
I would've given them
five full points each.
But I'm not going to
because Joe was
a burden.
I have been called that before.
So I'm gonna say they
all get four points.
How do you feel about that?
- Me?
- Yeah.
Uh, I-- I think I have no emotions.
Sounds like somebody needs a tickle.
Everybody from the, uh
the insane Mexican kidnap
gets one point each.
- Done. It's done.
- Done. OK, fine.
Hey, Alex. What are the
scores like now?
Well, it has tightened
it up at the top.
Three people could still
win it, and they are
Jon in the lead, then
Katherine, then Doc.
Nearly there, but we need one
more task to settle this.
Will you all please head to
the stage for the final task?
Potatoes. Lots of potatoes.
Katherine, it's your turn at last.
Will you please read
out tonight's final task?
Yes, my lordship.
"Create the highest tower using only
these potato-based items."
"Your potato tower must
be self-standing."
"Your potato tower must be
built on the table."
"And your potato tower will be
measured from the tabletop
to the highest potato point."
Any questions, so we're
absolutely clear about the rules?
What's a potato?
You've got 100 seconds.
Oh, what the fff?
Do you want less, Joe?
Yes, please.
I'm just gonna find
the biggest potato.
OK, your time starts
on the whistle.
Argh, it's not fair!
Oh, we're going waffle.
60 seconds left.
Why are you eating it?
Go on, Joe!
Shut up!
Oh, my
Eight seconds left!
Two seconds
Step away from the--
Let's come back down and
we'll look at some statistics.
So, how did they actually do, Alex?
Well, the task stated
a self-supporting tower of potatoes
when the whistle's blown
at 100 seconds.
We have a freeze-frame
of the exact moment
when the whistle blew
at 100 seconds.
And you'll see
Yeah, I did give them
a two-second warning.
There's only one person who's
not supporting their tower.
Uh-uh.
And that person is Mr Doc Brown.
That does mean we've
got a final score.
And because Doc was the only
one who completed the task,
- the final scores look like this.
- Here we go.
First win in the series.
Yeah, well, I've been terrible
most of the series,
and I'm sure I'll be terrible
again after this,
so I'm gonna milk this moment.
You know what?
I'm gonna dance to the Average
White Band, you bastard.
It's a good band. That is a good band.
So, Doc wins the show. Excellent work.
Please, Doc, vacate your seat and head up
and claim your cool blue prizes!
Well done to you, Alex.
That was a great show.
- Thank you.
- Ahhh.
Thank you, Greg.
But what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learnt if you want to the
normally brilliant Richard Osman
to do badly, invite his
children to the audience.
And if you want Joe Wilkinson to do badly,
just watch any episode.
Congratulations to our winner, Doc Brown!
Thank you, everybody,
and good night!