Ten Year Old Tom (2021) s02e04 Episode Script

1
- Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
I present no explanations ♪
Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
To satiate for long ♪
Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
- So that's where I'm at
with my bassoon playing.
Once I get a new mouthpiece,
I really feel like that's gonna
open up a world of opportunity.
- Tom.
- Yeah?
- With all due respect,
I just don't wanna talk
about bassoons.
- You don't wanna talk
about bassoons?
- No.
- Why?
Thought we were
having a great chat.
- My walk home
is my Hector time.
It's my chance to reflect
on the day's events
and, you know, ponder
what lies ahead,
you know, so
- All right, you know what?
This feels unpleasant
at best.
You know, I'm gonna walk ahead.
I'll catch you later.
- Great, thank you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what the hell?
Stop right there.
- What happened?
- What does this sign say?
- Stop?
- "Stop," yeah.
Do you know what stop means?
- Yeah, it means
Tom should stop.
- You find this funny
right now?
Is this some sort
of joke to you?
Are you a comedian?
- No, I'm not--
I'm not known for my humor.
- Let me tell you
how the world works,
smart aleck.
- Okay.
- Within this little square,
I have full and absolute power.
- Are you
the normal crossing guard?
This can't be--
- That's enough.
Get on the ground right now,
asshole.
- Oh, get off me--hey.
- Whoa.
- You resisted
a crossing guard.
Now you're getting a ticket.
- I don't think crossing guards
can write tickets.
You're not a police officer.
- We're a recognized branch
of law enforcement.
- You are.
- It goes FBI, police,
security guards, TSA,
meter maids,
and then guess what.
- Crossing guards?
- Crossing guards.
[car honking]
- So you're in last place?
- Let it go, Tom.
Stop escalating.
- Here is your citation, idiot,
if you can read it.
- $1 for sassing
a crossing guard?
Nah.
- Now, can we carry on our day?
[cars honking]
All right, hold on, sugar tits.
Give me a second.
[school bell rings]
- Hey, Principal,
about this ticket:
my mom says you can shove it
up your flabby, pale keister.
- What?
- Her words, not mine.
I don't say things like that.
- Ticket?
- My mom doesn't wanna pay
the dollar on principle, so
- Wait, who gave you this?
- Oh, the crossing guard.
She didn't like my tone,
so she--
- She gave you a ticket?
- She wrote me a ticket,
shoved my face in the mud,
called me an A-hole.
It was pretty ugly.
It was pretty unpleasant.
- She's out of control.
This woman is the bane
of my existence.
- Why?
What did she do to you?
- She's a bully.
For the last 20 years,
every morning,
she gives me a wet willy.
- Every morning?
- Yes!
- That seems like that would
get old after a while.
- One time, she pantsed me
during a fire drill,
and Tom,
I'm gonna tell you something:
once the students
see your wiener,
they never take you
seriously again.
- She pulled your pants down?
- Yes.
Everyone saw my wiener.
You can't go up to kids
that saw your wiener.
"Hey, get out of the hallway.
Hey, you're late for class."
You know what they think?
"Oh, that's the guy--
we saw his wiener."
- That's terrible, I mean,
can't you just let her go?
- Well, I needed a reason,
and you might be the reason,
Tom.
- What do you mean?
- If you could fill out
a complaint form
- Oh, no,
I don't want her knowing.
She'll come after me.
- She won't even know it's you.
It is 100%
completely anonymous.
- I love that.
I love anonymous complaints.
- What?
- All right, let's fill it out.
If it saves my mom
a dollar, why not?
[bagpipe playing]
♪
- Kids,
we're devoting today's class
to a special lady in our lives.
After 20 years of service,
our beloved crossing guard
is being replaced
by a traffic light.
- What?
- No.
- No.
- No, no, no.
- I feel the same as you.
- But why?
- Kids, listen, I'm very sorry,
but my hands are tied here.
Someone lodged
a formal complaint
with the school system.
So there's nothing I can do.
- Someone lodged a complaint?
all: Who?
- Who did it?
- Well, it's anonymous.
- Anonymous?
We deserve to know.
This is unjust.
- All that it says here
is that it was a Caucasian
bassoon-playing male
with a green backpack.
- That could be anyone.
That's half the school.
- What about the bassoon?
- Bassoon?
Do I play bassoon?
- Oh, my g--
when he does this,
how can you--
- I don't remember
playing bassoon.
- What are you even
supposed to do, Randy?
- Crossing Guard, would you
like to say a few words?
Kids, let's give
the crossing guard a hand.
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Kids, helping you cross
the street all these years
has been an honor
and a privilege.
You have no idea
what it means to me.
- Aw.
- Aw.
- The laughs we shared
I will cherish forever.
- Laughs?
She was incredibly mean.
- And now, as I lay down
my stop sign
for the final time,
I wish you all the luck
and the happiness.
I truly do.
[cheers and applause]
Every last one of you
except Tom!
Man, I've never hated
anyone this much!
Tom, you're shit!
All right?
You're dog shit!
See you in hell!
Goodbye, everybody!
- That's a weird note
to end her career on.
- Now to honor
her lifetime of service
as both a crossing guard
and a police officer,
we're gonna send her off
with a 21-gun salute!
Janitor!
[gun cocks]
Lock and load it!
Fire at will!
[gunshots firing]
[bagpipe playing]
- Yeah!
Come on!
- Why are they cheering?
He's gonna kill somebody.
- Yeah,
I didn't sign off on this.
- Gotcha!
Yeah!
- Now back
to men's deadlifting.
Look at those glutes.
[knock at door]
- Oh, hey, what's up, guys?
- Hi, Tom.
We're going door to door,
collecting money to get
the crossing guard a gift.
- Oh, that's nice.
That's sweet.
Good luck.
- What?
You don't wanna give
a donation?
- Oh, how much?
Like a--
- I mean,
every little bit helps,
even just a dollar.
- Even just a dollar?
Can I give less?
- Than a dollar?
- I think
that's the smallest amount
of money there is possible.
- Oh, no, there's much smaller.
Nickels are popular.
Dimes are very common.
- Tom, you can't even give $1
for a woman who devoted
her life to keeping us safe?
- My mom didn't want me
to pay the ticket for a dollar,
so if I donate it,
then it's kind of
like she wins.
- Wins what?
- It's just, uh,
vengeance,
just petty, petty vengeance.
- Wow.
- Tom
- It's a new low.
- Why don't we do this?
Since you guys
raised the money--
- Mm-hmm?
- I'll put in my time,
my effort,
I'll buy the gift
and, uh, hand-deliver it.
- [groans]
You're so exhausting.
By the end
of every conversation,
I just end up giving in.
Randy, give Tom the money.
- Uh
[blabbers]
- So we came to collect,
but instead, we're giving
all of the money to Tom?
It feels wrong.
- That's--yeah, it's teamwork.
It's teamwork, Yasmine.
- All right.
- Good seeing you guys.
- Thomas.
- Mother.
- Word on the street
is that you're giving
the crossing guard a gift.
- Oh, no,
I'm not participating.
I'm just gonna buy it,
and there's no money
leaving the house.
- What are you getting her?
- Oh, we're getting
some custom-made pajamas
that have stop signs and says,
"Don't cross
the crossing guard."
- And this sounds very pricey.
- 75 bucks, no, yeah.
- Yeah, that's a lot of money.
So I'm thinking
we're gonna pump
the brakes on that.
- Pump the brakes?
- And I wanna know
if you're familiar
with the concept of regifting.
- Sounds weaselly.
No, what is it?
- I'm gonna keep this money,
and you give the woman
this nasty old gift
that I don't want.
- I don't think
crossing guards wear lingerie,
do they?
- What matters
is you gave her a present,
and you didn't spend any money.
- So we should
at least get her a new card,
probably, right?
- This is part of regifting.
If you're gonna regift,
you might as well re-card.
- The card says,
"Love ya, babe,"
and "I love them
sweet, sweet titties."
I just can't picture giving
that to the crossing guard.
- I don't know what you
want me to say right now,
but we're not
buying a new card.
It defeats the whole purpose.
- Hey.
- Ugh, you
- That's not a good reaction.
Listen, I'm Tom from school.
Is the crossing guard home?
- No, she is not home.
She is bummed out,
'cause she doesn't have a job,
'cause you got her fired.
- I mean, she was partly
to blame.
She did shove my face
in the mud
and call me an A-hole, so
- I mean, I've been
around you for a minute.
I want to do that.
- You know what?
Listen.
I got her a gift.
It's from all the kids.
- Oh, my God.
Lingerie?
You really think
she's an A cup?
- I didn't really give it
a lot of thought.
She's always wearing
that reflective vest.
It's blousy.
It's a blousy fit.
- I feel like if you really
wanna make her feel better,
you would give her something
that would lift her spirits.
- Okay, like what?
- Well, you know,
she was a crossing guard,
because it reminded her
of the good ol' days,
back when she was
on the police force.
- Oh, I didn't realize that.
- You could help her rekindle
some of those good ol' days.
- Me?
How would I do that?
- I don't know, maybe you could
stage, like, a fake crime.
- Stage a fake crime?
Where did that come from?
- Then she could come in
and be the person
that saves the day.
- No, that sounds like
some kind of elaborate scheme.
I was hoping to just give her
the gift and get out of here.
- Tom, honestly,
it's the least you could do.
You got her fired.
- So this is the only gift.
I have to stage a fake crime?
I can't get her a robe or--
- Uh, no robes.
Here, in fact, take this back.
- You're rejecting the gift?
- I'll keep the card.
- Oh, no, no,
don't read the card.
Don't read the card.
- Tom!
Oh, my
- I know.
- Why would you write this?
- Yeah, I shouldn't have
written "titties."
It was really--
- Well, you shouldn't have
written titties with two Ds.
- Yeah, I should've just
written "Love ya" or something.
- No, or "Sincerely."
- "Sincerely, the whole gang."
Yeah, something like that.
- But how do
we spell "titties," Tom?
- Two Ts, no Ds.
- Thank you.
[knocking on door]
- Hey, Randy, what's going on,
you crazy son of a bitch?
- Randy!
Ran's the man.
- Hi, uh, Tom, I thought, uh,
told you never to come
to my house again.
- Oh, that was a long time ago.
I thought
we're more friendly now.
- Okay
guess I didn't get
the memo there.
- Listen, Randy, since you live
across the street
from the crossing guard
- Mm-hmm?
- We need a favor from you.
- We wanna do something special
as a going-away gift.
- Yeah, but I thought,
you know, didn't we get her
a gift already?
- No, this is the gift:
the gift--the gift
of nostalgia.
- Gift of nostalgia?
Wow
That is some classic
Tom bullshit right there.
- It's good enough.
Trust me.
You're gonna love it.
Here's the plan.
You ready?
- Yeah.
- We're gonna be outside
on the lookout.
- As the crossing guard
comes out for her daily walk,
I'm gonna scream, "Some maniac
broke into Randy's house!"
- Uh, d--uh-huh.
- Then--are you with me?
- Uh-huh.
- The crossing guard
is gonna spring into action,
enter your home
and save you.
[page flips]
You'll say,
"Thank God you're here.
You must've scared
the maniac off."
- Oh
- She'll feel like a hero.
- Mm-hmm.
- And that's the gift.
- Fine, sure,
but this is the last time
you're in charge
of buying a gift.
Gift of nostalgia?
Wow.
- This is gonna be great.
I think she's gonna love this,
actually.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, here she come,
here she come.
- Oh, there she is.
- Once she around the corner,
let's do it.
- All right, here we go.
Oh, no,
there's a robbery in progress.
- Oh!
- Some maniac broke
into Randy's house.
- No!
- Help, help!
- Wait, what's going on?
It's a robbery?
Okay, nobody panic.
- Crossing Guard.
- No one panic.
Call 911.
- 911?
Oh, no, no, no.
You--you're here.
- 911: dial it now.
- There's no time!
You need to get in there now!
- No, no, no, no, no.
I need to follow protocol.
- Crossing Guard,
you gotta get in there.
- But there's a--
there's a protocol.
- Crossing Guard,
look me in the eye.
Crossing Guard?
- I'm looking.
Sorry, I have a lazy eye.
- Your whole life was built
to this moment.
You can save
a child's life right now.
The kids need you.
You gotta get in that house.
You gotta get in that house.
- I have to get in that house.
- All right.
- The kids need me.
I'm coming out of retirement.
You're right.
- Oh, this is exciting.
- Randy, I'm coming for you!
[grunts]
[glass shatters]
- Who the fuck are you?
- No, who the fuck are you?
[thud]
- Get out of my house!
- Dad, no, not the Weedwacker!
[Weedwacker revs]
- [screams]
[thud]
[sirens blaring]
- That didn't sound good.
- Wow, we really
should've looped
Randy's dad in on the plan.
That was a major oversight.
- Everybody, back.
Nothing to see here.
A landscaper beat the shit
out of a crossing guard.
- [groans]
Glad you're safe, Randy.
Glad you're safe.
- Hey, don't talk to my son!
What kind of world is this,
when crossing guards
can just break into your home?
- I am so confused.
Did the crossing guard
break into your house,
or was she trying to save you?
- Uh, no comment.
- No comment?
What does that mean?
- I was there.
- Oh, no, no, please.
- I distinctly
heard Tom scream,
"There's a robbery in progress.
Get in there, Crossing Guard."
- I identified it as a robbery?
- You said it was a robbery.
I mean, did you listen
to my quote?
I said the quote.
- Tom, why?
Why would you say that?
- Why did I tell her to run in?
- Yeah.
- I hope we can all chuckle
about it, but this was
actually the gift I got her.
- What?
- This whole thing was actually
her going-away present.
This was the gift.
- This is what you got her:
the gift of being attacked
by Randy's dad?
- It's not a great present.
Yeah, I'm the first to admit.
- Tom
- If it's any consolation,
if someone wants
this women's underwear,
have at it.
[bagpipe plays]
♪
[rock music]
[laughter]
- Nothing better
than a bunch of dudes
in a basement, drinking booze.
- Oh, is it!
When men can be men
down in a basement
with a ice cream man
and scotch and poker.
- You said it, Coach.
You're all right,
Ice Cream Man.
- My name is Doug.
You don't have to keep
calling me the ice cream man.
- Hey, yo
Tom's in the house.
- Oh, no.
- Come on.
- That's not a good reaction.
- Hey, Dad,
you mind if we watch?
The sleepover
kind of losing steam.
- Yeah, it's hard to fill
six hours with small talk.
- Yeah, get in here
and watch and learn!
Coach is on a hot streak.
- Full house, asshole.
Pay up.
- What did you do, Tom?
- Me?
I'm standing here.
- That's the first hand
I've lost all night.
- I'm just stand--
I'm literally standing here.
I did nothing.
- Deal 'em again.
- Nothing but fun here.
- Tom, these guys
get pretty intense.
Just try to lay low.
- I literally said, "Hey, yo,
Tom's in the house."
I thought it was a fun way
to enter the room.
- Royal flush.
Read 'em and weep.
- Son of a bitch!
Tom!
- What?
What's happening?
- Leave this room immediately!
- Why me?
Why Tom?
- Because I was winning,
and then you walked in,
and now I'm losing.
- Just pretend I'm not here.
- I can't, Tom.
You're standing there
with a goofy-ass look
on your face
and a goddamn string cheese
in your hand.
- Coach.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Just calm down, Coach.
Calm down!
- No need for that.
- That's right, Coach.
You lose.
- This is some bullshit!
- Hey, hey.
- Come on, Coach.
- I'm out of here!
[door slams]
- Whoa.
- Dude can't handle
his ice cream.
[school bell rings]
- Oh, man, you guys missed
a good sleepover.
You really did.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, great conversation,
good string cheese.
- I always like that time
right before you fall asleep
at a sleepover when everybody
starts talking
about their dads.
- What?
All right, guys.
- See you guys later.
- School it up.
- School it up, Hector.
- Tom.
- Hey.
- Don't--don't look at me.
- Wait, what?
- Don't look at me, okay?
Now, I want you to walk
into the boys' bathroom
at 0900 hours.
- Okay.
- Enter the second stall.
- Second stall.
- I want you to pretend
to take a poop.
Then just wait
for further instructions.
- Weird way to start
the school day.
[suspenseful music]
Uh, Principal?
You wanted to see me
in the bathroom?
- Tom, shh, get in here.
Stand up on this toilet.
- Okay.
All right, so what's this
all about?
- Who writes this stuff?
Do I really look like this,
Tom?
- Is that--is this why
we're in here?
What's going on?
- It's about last night, Tom.
Look at how much money I won.
- Oh, my God.
- I think you're
my good luck charm.
- I'm good at something?
That's incredible.
- Yes, it is incredible.
I have an idea.
- Yeah?
- I think you should
skip school today
and go with me to the track.
- The track?
I can't leave school.
My education's too important.
- No, it's actually not.
- No?
- As a grown-up,
your options for earning money
will be gambling, stealing,
and finding loose objects on
the beach with metal detectors.
- That's the only way
I'll ever make money?
- Maybe you could borrow money
from friends
and not pay 'em back,
but that's it.
- I guess
if I'm good at gambling,
I guess you gotta go
with what you're good at.
- Yes, yes, yes!
- Can my Uncle Bill come?
- Yes, I mean, if anything,
it'll be less weird that way.
- It feels like
it's gonna be weird
no matter how you slice it,
but all right, let's go.
- [laughing]
- Yes, yes!
Boom.
I just keep winning.
- Who needs a job
when you can go to the track
with lucky Tom!
[grunts]
- No, please.
Bill, stop it.
- Everybody, let's focus, okay?
There's a horse on here
called Silly Tom.
I think this is
what they call fate.
- Why is it fate, exactly?
- Because your name is Tom,
and the horse's name is Tom,
and remember that time
you were eating a carrot,
and I was like,
"You look like a horse, Tom"?
- Is that fate?
- I say we go all in here.
- All in
because of the name Tom?
- Yeah, don't you feel it
down in your sack, Tom?
- Feel it in my sack?
No.
- Lou, ten grand
on Silly Tom to win
and put it on my tab.
- All right, sweet bet.
- Hey, you know, me too.
Ten Gs, put it on my tab.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You don't have a tab.
I don't fucking know
who you are.
- I'm Uncle Bill.
- Yeah,
that doesn't
really do much for me.
So you got some kind
of collateral or something?
- Yeah, sure I got collateral.
I got this.
- What is this?
This is the deed
to Tom's mom's house.
- Wait, what? No.
- Sweet.
- Wait, where'd that come from?
- I got it
from your mom's house.
- Obviously.
Don't take the deed.
You can't bet my mom's house.
- He can bet
your mom's house.
- Tom, you don't understand.
It's not gambling
if it's a sure thing.
We won three times in a row!
Mathematically,
it's impossible for us to lose!
- Bill,
you're not good at math.
You don't understand math,
do you?
- Tom, you don't win
and then win and then win
and then lose.
That's not the way it works.
- You just keep winning?
- You just keep winning.
- All right, let's go win.
Let's go win it up.
- Win it up, baby.
[gunshot fires]
[all cheering]
- And they're off!
Betty's Dream out of the gate.
Handicapped Pam
is making a move!
- Go, Silly Tom!
Come on!
- Hey!
Let's rub Tom's head
for good luck.
- No, no, please.
- That's a great idea; rub.
- No, stop, stop.
- Go, go, go,
come on, Silly Tom!
Go!
- I don't like people
touching my hair.
- There's Silly Tom!
Unbelievable.
Where did he come from?
- Come on, Silly Tom!
- We're gonna win.
- Run, Tom, run!
Oh, we're gonna be rich!
- Neck and neck, Silly Tom,
Betty's Dream,
Silly Tom pulling away.
Oh, no, what's this?
[horse neighs]
Silly Tom has tripped,
tripped like an idiot,
and it's Betty's Dream
for the win!
- Aw!
- Wait, what happened?
- I'll tell you what happened:
Silly Tom blew it,
just like the real Tom.
- And Silly Tom,
splayed out in the dirt.
What a piece of shit!
- Oh, mom,
you're such a good cook.
These Pop-Tarts are amazing.
- Aw, thanks, Tom.
It's funny.
I've always been
really great with toasters.
- So this is the kitchen area--
huge turd--
we'd rip all this out.
- Um, what the hell
are you doing?
Get out of my house.
- Uh,
it's not your house, lady.
- What are you talking about,
man?
I live here.
- What Bill said was,
"I don't have the ten large
I owe you, Lou,
so take this house."
- What?
What does that even mean?
- I got the deed right here.
- Wait, this is it?
Like, someone wrote with
a Sharpie on printer paper,
that's what you're
handing me right now?
- What are you talking about?
It says "deed."
- You don't own a house
just 'cause someone
hands you the deed.
How dumb are you, dog?
- I'm pretty dumb, but tell me
where Bill is right now,
because Bill still owes me
ten large.
[movement rustling]
- You see Bill?
- I have not seen him.
[indistinct speaking]
- What?
Did you hear that?
- That's--we got raccoons
in the attic.
[indistinct yelling]
- No, that's not raccoon.
That sounds like somebody
that owes me money.
Here I come, Bill!
- Lou, stop.
- I'm gonna break your ass!
- Lou, please.
- Too many questions!
Just pick me up
at the Jersey Turnpike.
I gotta go.
I gotta go!
Oh, hello.
- Hey, asshole,
you owe me ten grand.
- Whoa, I don't know what
you're talking about, man.
- Bill, just pay the guy.
- [fake accent]
I don't speak English.
Me llamo biblioteca.
I gotta go!
- Oh, no, oh, no.
- Hey, come here.
- Don't kill him.
- I gotcha.
- Don't hurt him.
- He doesn't deserve it.
- Please let go!
[crying]
- You know what happens to guys
who don't pay?
- A stern lecture
and a handshake?
- No.
- Oh, oh, come on!
I got too much to live for!
Like what?
- I don't know.
I wasn't expecting a question.
- Man, stop squirming.
I can't hold you.
- [screams]
- Oh, no!
- [grunts]
- Bill!
- I fell
on my whacking-off arm!
I'll never pick up
foul balls again.
[panting]
- He's running away.
- Okay, lady,
you're now responsible.
If I don't get my ten large,
I'm throwing your kid
out the window next.
- Lou, please.
- All right,
there's no need for that.
Trust me.
My Uncle Bill
is good for the money.
- Yeah, kid,
let me give you some advice:
shirtless guys
that live in an attic
and beat off all the time?
Typically not good for it.
[bassoon plays]
♪
- Kid, that didn't sound
anything like "Born to Run."
I want my money back.
- Oh, no,
no, that's the bassoon part.
- There is no bassoon
in "Born to Run."
Give me my money.
- Oh, sorry, no refunds.
I need the money.
Keep moving.
♪
- Tom, what are you doing here?
- Hey, just playing
the bassoon outdoors.
I like--I love being outside.
- Okay, 'cause I heard
your uncle was thrown
out of a window,
and now it looks like
you're busking for money.
- All right, you're right.
We're having money issues.
It's bad.
They're gonna throw me
out the window.
- Oh, my God.
I know we're not friends,
but I don't wanna see
any of you murdered
or bludgeoned to death.
- Thank you.
That's really nice.
- Brad's brother is
a huge hedge fund guy,
and he could advise you guys,
or--he's such a nice guy,
he could even probably
give you the money.
- Uh, let's not bother Russ.
I mean, he's not that wealthy.
- Come on, he's loaded,
and you know what?
It'd be really fun to see him
and everything,
and I'm telling you,
he is just so slick
and everybody loves him--
big personality,
very attractive.
He's got big calves,
and he's got
a full head of hair.
- Honey,
just come out and say it.
You wanna nail my brother.
- What?
- Oh, my God.
I wanna visit Russ
because I care about Tom's mom!
I'm being nice.
- You're not nice.
Tom, is she a nice woman?
- You know what?
Leave me out of this.
- Okay, everybody,
it's decided.
We're visiting Russ
in the Hamptons!
Okay, now everyone wait here,
'cause I'm just gonna go
get a quick wax.
[electric dance music]
- What a nice surprise:
my favorite sister-in-law.
Come here, baby.
Come over here.
- [giggling]
Great to see you, Russ.
- No one told me
to bring swim trunks.
- Brad!
God, you really gotta learn
when to shut up.
- All right.
- [sighs]
Now, it is my understanding
that you nice folks
want to talk money.
- Yeah, thanks for seeing us.
We lost some money
at the track.
- We were hoping
that we could borrow $10,000
or better yet, just have it
for free.
- I'm actually
gonna do one better.
- You're gonna
give us 11 grand?
That's so great.
Thank you so much.
- Honestly, Russ
- Thank you, Russ.
- Give us as much as you want.
We'll take it. Thank you.
- So the deposit
I'm gonna make is actually
gonna be into your ear,
because I'm gonna teach you
how to earn the money yourself.
- Ugh.
- That's not one better.
That's worse, right?
- Yeah, no,
that's definitely worse.
- I don't believe in handouts.
Now lean in here
so I can whisper a stock tip
in your ear.
- Oh, okay.
- You know what?
How about you just whisper it
in my ear,
and I'll tell her later?
- All right,
that sounds good to me.
[whispers indistinctly]
- [moaning]
Oh, Russ.
- Ew
- Doesn't sound like
a stock tip.
He just said "penis."
- Yeah, I know.
- All right, I'm going
to head in for the night.
- [moans] Oh.
- And that's how you're gonna
be able to quadruple
your money
in just a few days.
- Really?
- That's right.
- That sounds amazing.
- Wow.
- Thank you so much.
We'll get all the info later.
- What are we doing
with these bathing suits on?
Am I right?
We're family.
- Oh, man, I can't believe
Lou slashed my tires.
This guy is hardcore.
- [whispering] Hey, Tom.
- Uncle Bill?
- Shh, quiet.
I'm still hiding from Lou.
I just came by to pick up
my butt-chugging gear.
- That's why
you came out of hiding?
- Yeah.
- I can look for it,
but you know what?
You don't need to hide.
My mom got
an insider stock tip.
We can pay Lou back.
She's buying
the stock right now.
We're all set.
- [normal voice] Oh, my God,
that's great news!
What's the stock?
- All I know
is the PizzaRama stock
is gonna go down,
so we're shorting it.
- Let's check it out.
This is great news.
Come on, all right!
[reads indistinctly]
Tom, this is a disaster!
- What?
What's wrong?
- The stock is up
1/16th of a point.
- We've literally owned
the stock for five minutes.
Let's calm down.
- No, no, we need down, not up.
- Do you think you sound
intelligent right now?
- No, now you get
your friend Nelly
and you meet me at PizzaRama.
I got an idea.
Ah, I can feel it
in my sack again.
Ah, the seat's too small.
Ow, my ass!
- Got a bad feeling I'm never
gonna see that bike again.
- All right,
thanks for joining us, Nelly.
- Bruh,
I don't answer to Nelly.
- He prefers Nelson or Big N.
- Whoever you are, lean in.
Come here.
All right, we need
this stock to go down.
So the idea is to create
negative headlines.
- What do you mean, like
try to manipulate the stock?
- Right, so I stopped
at a pet store
on the way over here,
and I purchased a live rat.
- Wait, what?
- Did he say "rat?"
- Look, just hear me out.
Tom will claim
there's a rat in his salad.
Nelly will throw up.
I'll faint.
It'll be all caught on film,
and the stock will go down.
Who's got questions?
- I have so many questions.
- Tom, you really need to loop
me in on this planning stage.
I'm going to respectfully
bow out of this one.
- Oh, come on, Nelson,
you're the vomit guy.
- Come on, Nelly.
- Uncle Bill,
Nelly is a rapper.
I am
a ten-year-old businessman.
I'm out of here.
- All right, Bill.
We gotta regroup.
- No, Tom, we have no time
to regroup.
The rat's getting fidgety.
- It's not gonna work.
- Tom, it's already happening.
Can I talk to the manager,
please?
- Oh, my God.
- Uh, hi, folks.
What seems to be the problem?
- Hey, there's a live rat
in my salad.
- Ooh, yikes.
Um, sorry,
did it come like that?
- Ew!
- Don't film this.
Uh, nothing to see here.
- Is everybody seeing this?
There's a rat in his salad!
- Oh, my God!
How did that even get in there?
- He's eating the salad.
- It's okay, folks.
Sit down.
It's not
an emergency situation.
- You see this, little girl?
- [screams]
- We gotta get out
of here!
Oh, my God!
[both fake retch]
- Come on, don't leave.
- Everybody, run!
- Shit.
- Spread the word!
Rat salad at PizzaRama!
[laughs]
- Oh, wow.
- We really did it.
The stock prices tank.
- That's right,
smart investing.
- It's good to be rich, huh?
Let's make it rain, huh?
Yay!
- We don't need singles.
What are we gonna do
with singles?
- [laughs]
- Hi, excuse me.
- We did it.
- Hey, we're with
the Securities
and Exchange Commission.
We have a few questions
for you guys.
- What now?
- Let me tell you
what happened: at 9:00 a.m.
yesterday, your mother
shorted a stock.
- That doesn't ring a bell
at all.
- But then, at 9:15,
your brother purchased a rat.
- We don't know
what you're talking about.
- Yeah, and then at 9:30,
you claimed there was
a rat in your salad.
- No, I'd remember
something like that.
- And at 9:45, your uncle
posted on Instagram,
"Beers are on me, bitches.
#ratsalad."
- And you're suggesting those
things are somehow related?
- As far as paper trails go,
it doesn't get
much dumber than this.
- So what are you saying,
exactly?
You gonna seize our assets?
- You know, we were, but
your stuff is so disgusting
that we're just gonna
let you off with a warning.
- All right, I guess
we'll chalk this up as a win.
- Remember
there's more road ♪
And places to go ♪
Patterns to contemplate ♪
More people to fornicate ♪
And remember
there's a lot of good omens ♪
Supplying the proof ♪
That our life
is the best joke ever told ♪
Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
The sweet silver lining ♪
Through you she lives on ♪
And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow ♪
We can float anywhere ♪