That '70s Show s02e04 Episode Script

So, look at us.
This is just like a Norman Rockwell painting.
Mom is serving breakfast, daddy is reading the newspaper and brother Eric is trying to hide a big purple nasty hickey! Hickey? I don't have a hickey You know Eric, hickeys lead to dirty things For God 's sakes, don't let Donna suck your neck.
She's a nice girl.
I don't have a hickey! I was using a curling iron.
Oh well, will you just look at that? NO! Mom! Red, remember that time.
No and neither do you! Okay! Hahaha.
So, uhm Laurie, what's on the agenda today? Agenda? A list of goals or actions one might feel good about achieving so as to Eric, you tell her.
Mom, come on, relax, I'm still getting used to being back home.
Yea, flunkin' out of college can be draining *phew* Eric! Come on, that was so mild! Laurie all you do is sit around the house and watch television you should come down to the hospital and volunteer.
She's right Laurie! Daddy ! You know, I think Eric needs an agenda.
Look at his neck! It's a birthmark! It's been there since birth! Goodmorning class.
Good morning, orphan.
Goodmorning That's all you got? Whore! Mom, he called me a whore! Yeah.
Stephen, honey, you're too young for coffee, have some juice.
Mrs.
Foreman, I need coffee.
Your son kept me up all night bragging about his hickey.
Okay, whatever you do Eric, do NOT wear turtlenecks to school okay, that's a dead giveaway.
Yea, I'd put on a decorative scarf.
Thank you.
Do you have to tell everyone about the hickey? Well, everyone can kinda see it, Vampirette.
Laurie had a field day at breakfast.
Yeah, I hopped on that dog pile too.
You sure did, you dillhole.
All right Foreman, that was sort of mean.
Probably what I should have said is: I'm sick of sharing a room with you and all of your disgusting fluids and gasses.
Oh, and yours are just dreamy Hyde.
Excuse me.
May I please have a hickey please? - No.
- Please? - No! - Jackie ? - No! - Please ? No! So, the two of you do things to please your man.
Well Fez is a man, why do you not please him? Why? Why ? Jackie! Just give him a hickey.
Okay.
I'm going home.
Me too.
I've gotta go shopping with my mom, suddenly it's like really important we're being best friends.
What happened? She's been reading.
Reading Dammit, when will they learn? Finally! I thought that Jackie would never leave! Okay Kelso, what are you doing? Ah, I need a sexy memento from Laurie.
I gotta commemorate our forbidden love.
With panties! Fine! Just take your panties and go home.
Man! Those are my moms! Okay Foreman look man, I'm not telling you how to live your life, but if someone touched MY moms panties, pf Hyde, didn't everyone touch your moms panties? Man, that was a burn! Okay, Foreman, I have a solution to this whole you-being-a-pain-in-my-ass-we-shareing-a-room-thing.
You move out.
- Of my room? - Yea.
Well that's just not gonna happen.
Hey fine, I move out of it, you big baby.
Still friends? I need time to heal.
Okay, these are Laurie's right? Kelso, what exactly are you gonna do with those panties? Just.
look at 'm Kelso, did you ever notice that Laurie and Eric have the same eyes? So if you're doing it with Laurie and she's perhaps wearing a hat it's kinda like you're doing it with Eric too! So.
Here we are.
Together.
Again.
Yea, I'm just loving the time we spend together Donna.
In my new book 'Our Mothers, Our Selves' it says we're supposed to be friends.
We should talk to each other, and listen.
You're stupid father never listens.
Is there anything in your book about not insulting my father? Well I don't know, I've only read the first chapter.
Oh, okay, no more talking about your father.
So, how do you like the clogs I bought you? They're awesome! Good! Cause your father's an ass ! Kelso took your underwear.
- Uhh that's like the third pair! - Urgh.
Gimme the remote control! Gimme a reason why I shouldn't set you on fire! All right Laurie, take your best shot! Oh Red, we talked about this, let him go! Hello Laurie, I apologize for coming unannounced, but I .
Mum, daddy ! This is professor Stark, he was my art history teacher! Well actually I was your psychology teacher.
Whatever you taught her, she flunked it! Eric! So, you're from the university of Wisconsin.
Are you here to give me back my money? Well actually I came here because of Laurie Oh yes, he came to see if the university would take me back! Really? Oh please, here, have a seat! I'll make coffee, and cake, I'll make coffeecake and coffee! Hahaha! Oh gosh really, can you get her back into the university and out of my house? Hahaha Well, I'm going to try my darndest! Well this is really good news! One of the best things I've ever heard.
Yes it is.
I want to get Laurie back in school.
Professor, question, how lame exactly is your student body if you're trying to get this dumb cow ba.
Eric ! Don't be a smarthmouth, we've got.
company.
Yea, go make coffee.
Don't scare him off, he's our only hope! So uhm, maybe you could stay for dinner Well yes thank you, that would be lovely.
Oh, and I believe these paint chips are yours.
Well, these are, are the colour of our front door, aren't they? Yeah, you had a paint chip hanging from your front door so I .
.
I started to peel it and I guess I got a little over zealouse Uhmmm psychology huh? Yes yes, human ?? fascinate me Hey dad.
Where have you two been? Mom bought me these clogs aren't they great? Oh.
She bought you clogs.
With my money.
So officially, I bought you clogs.
No Bob, I bought her the clogs.
Get in the car Donna! I'm gonna buy you something.
Actually Dad, I've got homework and.
Do you love your daddy? Yes.
Let's go.
Looks like you're going shopping with the big ASS.
I don't think so.
Eric I need you to go to the store and get me three pounds of ground beef, lean Mom, look, before you go into twenty cents a gram ground beef, this guy is not going to get Laurie back in college, she’s stupid and evil.
Mostly stupid.
Eric she is not stupid.
She’s just…she has….
special….
Just go! Hyde! Oh, honey, just share the room with Eric.
No, thank you.
I'm fine.
Busted! No way! Yep, Laurie and her professor, tongueing in the garage like hungry dogs.
It was really disgusting.
No! No, you see because Laurie wouldn’t just make out with some old guy.
She wouldn’t do that.
No, it’s true man.
I was in the upstairs closet trying out my cot, and I saw them.
It was like live porno.
But not good porno which is like really really old.
It was like, old bad porno.
Michael, why do you care if Laurie kisses the professor? Yea Kelso, why do you care? Well….
because.
You see it’s wrong for an old person to make out with an innocent young student.
God, you’re nobel.
Innocent?! Okay, Eric no offence, but your sister is as slutty as they come.
Eric are you gonna let her say that about your sister? Sure.
Hey, Forman, did you realise that there’s a room back here man? And it barely stinks! PERFECT! You can sit right back beneath your bare bulb writing angry letters to the government Oh don’t think I won’t ! You see what’s beautiful here people? I finally have somtehing on Laurie.
I own her, oh yeah! She is so screwed! All right, just be nice.
Look! Did everyone see my hickey? Somebody loves me.
Moron, you gave that to yourself.
It’s still wet.
Oh no I did not! Somebody loves me.
There is a lady love.
There is ! So, you like the shirt I bought ya? It’s very nice I wasn’t sure because you didn’t put it on in the store, like you did with the clogs.
I knew it.
You hate the shirt! Nice digs huh! It’s perfect.
This is where we put all our old crap we just can’t throw away.
Like you.
Forman, is it just me, or do your mum and dad like me a whole lot better then they like you? You see I kid, butyou hurt Boys! Dinner! All right man, you ready to make Laurie sqeal like the family pig? Ohhhhh.
Yes.
You're gonna punk out, aren't you? Well it is my nature.
Look Forman, you've always been the run for the litter.
This is your chance to bite the big dog on the ass.
So my advice to you is, bite the big dog on the ass! Okay, what if I let her of with a warning, you know, just this one time.
Well that would be the mature choice But not EVIL! You gotta think EVIL man! Where would we be without the A-bomb? - Actually the world was all that won but - Shut up! Now listen, lets review.
Daddy, Eric has dirty magazines under his bed.
Daddy, Eric snuck out last night.
Daddy, I saw Eric drinking all your beer.
Daddy, Eric made it hard for me to concentrate so I flunked out of college.
Daddy, Eric used all my handlotion Okay that bitch is dead! So, this news of Laurie leaving is just a little ray of sunshine! Hahaha! Well I just wished that more teachers cared about their students like you do.
I think it all started going downhill when you couldn't paddle the kids anymore.
Hehehe.
Pansy-ass supreme court.
Shut up.
Hey Forman, he who hesitates is boned.
Laurie is one of the most gifted women in my class.
I've always enjoyed having her.
I own you.
Is there something wrong with the bread? No.
Why? O, Laurie.
I know something that you don't know that I know.
You know.
Yes yes.
Tell us Forman, so that we can all know.
You don't know anything.
And if you do know something, I will make you sorry you were ever born! Well for your information, I'm already sorry I was ever born! Eric! See! So, what does she need to do to get back into school? Well, she'll have to work with me.
Make a commitment.
.
to school.
She'll really have to buckle down.
Hahahaha! Well what do you think Laurie, are you willing to give it a go? Oh, huhuh, mother she's very willing.
You know dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today.
In the garage.
Burst into flames, burst into flames, BURST INTO FLAMES! It was justit was so surprising.
Oh Eric, do tell! I saw Laurie.
I'm love with your daughter! Dad! That's it! Come here!! Did you two have fun? A blast.
Donna, that shirt your father bought you makes you look so fat.
Yeah well, those clogs make you look like a duck.
Okay, you know what? Both you guys really need to shut up.
I'm so sick of hearing you fight.
Do you even know what you are fighting about? Oh, I know she started it! I only got mad cause I knew you were gonna get mad.
Allright okay, you know what WHATEVER, just no more fighting with eachother through me.
Got it? Although I would like you to continue buying me things, I mean, thank you! She likes the shirt better You're an ass Bob! Oeh, good comeback! Mister Forman, I really wanna get Laurie back in school! Oh for Gods sake Laurie, the man is in love with you and you still couldn't pass! So ? So I guess I disappointed you Daddy I'm really sorry, I just wish he wouldn't have taken advantage of me and my love for education.
Huh that is just so ??? Well, I guess you're not the first student to be taken advantage of by a teacher.
O, wait, where are you going Dad? Just try not to be too hard on yourself.
No! Nooo! NOOOO! And the really sad thing is, Eric saw him kiss me today.
And he didn't even TRY to stop him! Cause she wanted it! You knew about this and you didn't do anything?! She's your sister! Yea Eric, why?! I'll deal with you later Eric! Come on Laurie, I'll make you a cup of coffee and explain to you the nature of men.
Something I thought you already knew but apparantly you don't.
Oh, Eric, I forgive you.
Well this is unforgivable.
In fact you SUCK! I'll be in my room Oh, mom.
Oh, my God, mom I had her in my sights! I mean she was right in the cross there! O honey, you know I love you and your sister equally, but if you ever get an opportunity again, for Gods sake pull the trigger! I'm gonna tell you something Laurie.
If you slept with that professor, it's over between you and me.
Kelso, I slept with him a thousand times.
Why must you hurt me ? Shut up! Hey, hey, get out, get out! I hate you both! Go home, Fez!