That Mitchell and Webb Look (2006) s02e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
Truly, this is an historic day.
Their Gracious Majesties' confidence in humble Columbus is vindicated.
There is a western route to the Indies, and therefore I hereby name these islands the West Indies.
Er East Indies.
- What - East Indies, surely? What are you talking about? We sailed west to find them, to the west of us.
Therefore they're the West Indies.
But I thought we were proving that the world is a globe, so if these truly are the Indies, which is something I'd like to talk to you about at some point Assuming they are the Indies, then they must be the East Indies, the most easterly point of the Indies, do you see? - Do you see this? - It's your hat.
- What kind of hat? - A captain's hat.
- And what does that make me? - Captain.
Yes, it does.
And what does that make these? - The West Indies? - Bingo.
Lovely to see you.
Thanks for coming.
Lovely to see you.
- Hi.
Congratulations.
Well done.
- Thanks, Martin.
I won't gabble on, because this is your day and you've got all these people, but I'm really sorry about your dad, Helen.
Oh.
Well, yeah, thanks.
I was shocked when I heard the news.
I didn't know he was ill.
Bloody hell! Never mind that now.
Well, mind that, but this is your big day.
I got you a card.
- Will you put it - It's not a wedding card.
It's a "Sorry Your Dad's Dead" card.
Which I am.
I'm moving on with all these lovely people.
And Mike, here's a "Congratulations On Your Engagement" card.
- Well, better late than never.
- Exactly.
And I'm sorry she dumped you.
But she didn't! So I think we're up to date now.
Oh, this is for if you have a child.
And this is for if it dies.
Well, I'll pop off now.
This is your big day and you don't need me going on and on and on and on and on - I've got cancer, but listen - What? That's nothing to do with it.
I don't see you very often, so I thought I'd strike while - Is it serious? Are you all right? - I'm completely (Mouths) Don't worry.
Look at all these people, I'm holding everything up.
Oh, God! - Is there anything we can do? - No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Seriously, I'm as happy as Larry, really.
So look.
Um If I don't see you again, I mean, ever again, then have a bloody good one.
Lovely service.
Great service.
(# Fanfare) (Narrator) 'Good morning, housewives and layabouts of the Empire.
'This is television talking in your head.
'Welcome to the first experimental broadcast during the day.
'Or as we call it, Elevenses Television.
But first, the King.
' (Camp voice) You're watching television.
Stay tuned! Tomorrow, another chance to catch footage of Hitler's corpse, Pictures of the charred remains of Hitler are accompanied by Vera Lynn B-sides.
Now a new conversation programme hosted by Mrs Patricia Wilberforce, "The Mrs Patricia Wilberforce Programme".
(# Swing jazz plays over dialogue) Good morning, ladies and the war-wounded.
My name is Mrs Patricia Wilberforce.
Today we will be discussing real-life sticky situations, as much as is seemly.
My first guest is Mr Albert Compton, whose wife claims he tends to behave in an inappropriate manner.
(AII whisper) (Tutting) - Mr Compton, do be seated.
- I don't like to make a fuss.
He's always like this.
Sorry, we'll have to stop it there, as Mrs Compton has said, "Fuck!" Oh, I do beg your pardon, viewers.
She didn't say "Fuck!" after all.
Thank you, Mr and Mrs Albert Compton.
My next guest is Miss Margaret Blighton.
Following an incident in the black-out, she's got herself in the family way.
(Audience boo and hiss) I speak for all of us when I say that I hope her unfortunate fiancé insists on a deoxyribonucleic acid test when the little bastard is whelped.
(Man) Hear, hear! Join me next time on the "Mrs Patricia Wilberforce Programme" when I'll be telling the shocking story of Mrs Elsie Taylor, who freely admits to taking two sherries before dinner, and whom I shall have imprisoned for delinquency.
Goodbye.
(Narrator) 'Are you uncouth? 'Our researchers would like to make your acquaintance.
'Telephone us on Mayfair-426 and state your business.
' Morning, Horse.
How are you? Are we OK? I know a lot of things got said yesterday.
I've had a lot on my mind.
I'm sure you have, but um I think we both overreacted.
You look well.
I can understand you aren't in a very good mood with me, what with all the fallings-outs and whatnot, which is why Ta-dah! It's all right, it's not a gun.
Joke, joke! Which is why I thought I could cheer us up with a song which I wrote.
Feel free to join in at any point.
# You are not alone # I am here with you # Join in.
# Though we're far apart # Any time now.
# You're always in my heart # Come on, Horse.
# You are not alone # After me! # I am # All right, forget it! Just forget it! I mean, what was it? Was it the gun joke? It was a joke! Have you got a sense of humour? Why is it always me with the peace pipe? I'm always the one carrying the white flag! It was a joke! So, Sir Walter, the New World's at our feet.
Have you given any thought as to what to call it? We shall name it of course after our beloved queen.
Yes, of course.
Sorry.
Let it pass and hail to this glorious land, Virginia! - Er - What? - Who's Virginia? - The Queen of England, you dog! Oh, right.
Except I don't know how to put this.
She's not called Virginia, but Elizabeth.
I'm well aware of that, but she is, I trust you will agree, a virgin.
Er Yeah, as far as I know.
I mean, I'm sure she is.
But do we want to name a country after that fact? - Why not? - It seems a bit rude.
Rude? How so? To other nations, bringing up the fact she's never done it, it seems personal.
They might not want to know.
OK, well Maybe I'll think about it.
Oh! Hang on.
Remind me.
- Who's the captain? - You are.
- And whose boat is it? - Your boat.
- Who decides what to call, you know - You do.
- Do I? - Yes.
- Do I really? - Yes.
Welcome to Virginia! Can I just take this out? (Clears throat) - Oh.
Can I reserve "Cold Mountain"? - No.
- Pardon? - I said no.
I won't reserve that for you.
This is far more appropriate.
I know it's silly.
I thought I'd read some God-awful rubbish like you always do? I'd steer clear of "Cold Mountain" if I were you.
It's not like when you watch it on DVD with your girlfriends.
There's no dishy Jude Law to hold your hand through the difficult prose.
- What? - Yes, it's all words.
Most of them longer than the ones you'd find in your copy of "Top Santé".
- I - Or "Grazia".
Look at that.
That's a comprehensive list of all the depressing books you've taken out.
- You know what that tells me? - No.
It tells me you're possibly the dullest, most dunderheaded female ever to scrape together the mental wherewithal correctly to fill in a library application form.
- Did you have help? - Did I what? Ssh! This is a library.
Just look at it.
It's like the reading list of the University of Thick.
I went to Warwick! When you talk to people, do they do this a lot? "Uh-huh, yeah, fine.
Uh-huh, yeah, mmm.
" - I - It's because they're not listening.
When your friends see you, they're doing you a favour.
You're like a charity to them.
It's their way of giving something back.
Basically, you're like him.
I'm making my donation now.
- I don't believe this.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
- What gives you the right? - Uh-huh.
It's difficult for you to grasp.
You're a real idiot.
Possibly one of the stupidest people I've ever met.
And I lived in Leatherhead for six miserable years.
I'm bored just looking at you.
You with your grey face and your dead eyes.
- (Yawns) - But Bored! Are you still here, you soporific dullard? You're right.
- It's all true.
My friends hate me.
- There, there.
- What can I do? - Yes, what to do? What to do? What to do? (Gasps) I've had a little thought.
What? How about a little date? Hmm? Just you and me, out and about on a little date.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Yes, I'd like that.
I think I'd like to go on a little date with you.
Do you think that would be all right? Yes, a little date would suit me just fine.
No, I can't do Thursday.
I'm making a documentary.
- What documentary? - About the Battle of Stalingrad.
- Since when? - They asked me ages ago.
- Why didn't they ask me? - Probably didn't think it was your thing.
My th It could be my thing.
I could make a documentary.
Learn your lines and look like you know what you're doing.
I know.
It's good, isn't it? In this case, I actually know a lot about the Battle of Stalingrad.
- Cos you've read "Stalingrad"? - Not just that.
And you played a character who'd read "Stalingrad"? So they get someone who's not only pretending to read a book but has also read a book? That is definitely not how it works.
causing untold loss of life and destroying several major buildings.
If you've just joined us, the breaking news is that everything's fine after a major incident.
Let's go over now live to our reporter Eric Turner at the scene where everything's now fine.
The news we're getting from the security services is that everything's fine and back to normal.
As you can see, behind me everything is now fine.
Ignore the smoke from the explosion, because as I say, everything's fine now.
Have there been any fatalities? Nobody's dying, everything's fine.
There have been recent deaths, but that's over now and everything's fine.
The death toll is not rising.
Everyone's either dead already or still alive like normal.
Hang on, I'm just hearing that someone else has died but everything's fine now.
Thank you, Eric.
In other news, everything's fine in Shropshire after major flooding.
The Mayor of Shrewsbury described the situation as "OK, apart from the water everywhere which will go after a bit.
" The hunt for the Aberdeen serial killer goes on but the investigating officer said, "Everything's fine almost the whole time, "apart from the small interludes during which the killer is murdering someone.
" So that all sounds pretty much fine.
And now over to Karen with your emails.
Thank you, Tim.
Most of your emails have been about how everything's fine.
This is from John in London.
"Came out of nowhere, huge bang, sky lit-up red, then it was all fine again.
" Julie in Coventry described how "everything was fine once my clothes stopped being on fire.
" And Arthur from The Wirral sums up the situation by saying, "Those of us left alive are all fine.
" Thank you, Tim.
Time for a look at tomorrow's papers.
The Telegraph leads with, "Fineness resumed after major incident".
The Guardian goes with, "Major tragedy forms grizzly backdrop to general OK-ness.
" The Sun headline simply reads, "Fine".
The Mirror, "OK".
And the Daily Mail, "Everything's fine.
Fear it, fear it!" Jerry, I think I've got something.
What is it, Mike? It's very similar to a jewellery box I found in Nîmes in '86.
The sort of thing a Roman governor's wife might have owned.
My God! It's a video tape.
This is incredible.
This is the single most important archaeological discovery ever made.
The Romans had video technology.
Here we go.
(Speaks Latin) Latin, as spoken by an actual ancient Roman.
(Jerry) What's she saying? I think she's saying, "Turn that off, I haven't got my face on.
" The man filming is saying, "Give us a kiss, darling.
" Astonishing.
Ah, now, he's very senior.
I think he must be a senator.
(Moans) And Jerry and I were particularly excited by this bit.
So the toga is not only a practical item of clothing, given their climate.
It also allows the Roman citizen to change discreetly into his swimming trunks.
Ah! And there we are.
All 106 minutes of it.
I have my problems with this.
For instance, here, my research suggests that a centurion would not have worn a scabbard that length.
Well, actually, a scabbard of exactly that length dating from exactly this period was found in Turkey.
That's completely cleared up my reservations.
Gentlemen, surely the big thing we all seem to be ignoring is - How do they wear the tunics? - Precisely.
(AII chatter) Hold on! Have you all gone mad? - This is a video tape.
- An ancient Roman tape.
Well done! The Romans didn't have video tapes.
It's made of plastic.
Plastic wasn't invented till the 1950s.
I find it incredible that this has been allowed to get this far.
I am genuinely ashamed to be part of this faculty.
Of course.
Simon's quite right, I I should've realised it was too good to be true.
I must seem very foolish to you all.
I hope you're pleased with yourself, Simon.
He's put his whole life into this department.
And you sit there and destroy everything he's worked for without a moment's thought.
You must feel very proud of yourself, Simon! Well done! Well, I'm not saying it's completely impossible.
I mean, the ancient Egyptians had brain surgery.
Really, Simon? Yeah, and um And there's some evidence that the ancient Egyptians had batteries as well.
- Great.
- (Woman) Right, then.
I think we should go public with this.
But it means everyone here stating their professional reputation on that? Are you all prepared to do it? Simon, you had reservations.
Are you sure you're happy? Um Yeah.
Yeah, so let's go for it.
(Mouths) He was saying to me, "What is this mysterious place, Sarah, or whatever?" I was like, "Yes, it is good.
" But then he asked all these questions about cars, power stations, and mobile phones.
It was awful cos I had no idea how any of them worked.
Which meant his journey through time had been wasted.
Which meant he was a bloody nerd, Ray.
The only guy to travel through time from the 17th century, or the Victorian era, or whatever, turns to be a massive spod.
- And then you woke up? - What? Did you wake up at that realisation? It wasn't a dream.
This all happened.
I wondered why you were seeming so under whelmed.
I thought it might be sang-froid.
I'll give you a tick.
You're not doing too well on "disingenuous", Colin.
No.
No, I'm not.
Ray, no! That doesn't count as using it, Ray! - Why not? - Cos you're quoting the chart.
You made me put a quid in a fuck jar for calling it a fuck jar rather than for actually saying "Fuck".
That was a quote! That should be three quid! No, Colin.
We've bought the soda stream now, that's over.
I think your efforts to avoid passing comment on the remarkable fact that I've chatted to a time traveller are now bordering on the ludicrous.
- I suppose it's that I don't believe you.
- Right.
It's like those guys with "The end is nigh" sandwich boards on.
They must be constantly amazed by how calm everyone's reaction to the news seems to be.
It gives them respect for the world they think is about to end.
"These," they must think as everyone ignores them, "are good people to have around you in a crisis.
" Until they see people's reactions to one solitary princess dying in a car crash.
They suddenly realise no one's been believing them.
Yes, indeed.
Mass suicide of The-End-is-Nighsters in the wake of Diana's death is about the only unsung element left of that tragedy.
- Who's the cappuccino? - Mine! You sent him out for coffees? So the latte must be yours.
You sent a time traveller out for coffee? At last, finally, I get a rise out of you.
The contraption which created this was enthralling so I apologise for the delay.
Told you he was a nerd.
Where do they get the idea you're the clever one? - You're not as clever as you think.
- Neither are you.
Yes, but at least I know I'm not.
What? You know you're not as clever as you think? Yes, unlike you.
- How clever do you think you are? - Very.
And how clever do you know you are really? Well, less clever than that.
You've laid some kind of trap! So to recap, what's good about you as opposed to me, is you know you're less clever than you think you are.
That's morally healthy, whereas my opinion of my intelligence, as flawed an evaluation as anyone's could be, is deemed unreliable because of its subjective consistency.
You see why you never get laid, don't you? What news, Number One? Captain, the Lord has delivered us to a truly wondrous land.
Lashed subtropical plains stretching as far as the eye can see.
It's 90 degrees in the shade though it's November.
There are herds of seven-foot creatures bouncing across the landscape at tremendous speed.
Yes! Do you know where it reminds me of? Wales.
- Wales? Really, sir? - Oh, yes.
Don't you think? What, the vast terra incognito with fauna and flora hitherto undreamt of by sights puts you in mind of nothing so much as Rhyl? No, of course not.
Not North Wales.
That's ridiculous! There's nothing like North Wales.
No, South Wales of course! - The resemblance is uncanny! - Right.
Does this mean you're gonna name it what I think you're gonna name it? Well, I don't know.
- Remind me.
Who's the captain? - You are.
And who's got the captain's hat, the captain's table, the captain's cabin and the captain's log? You have all of them, sir.
Well, I'll tell you what.
You're an ambitious man.
Why don't you decide what we call it? I think we should call it New South Wales.
Good name! - Hi, guys.
How are you? - Oh, not bad, Anita.
Good to see you.
Terry, this is Gary and Michelle.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Gary works from home as well, don't you? Oh, er You've given up the nine to five as well then, Terry? - I've only been doing it a few months.
- Takes a bit of getting used to.
I'll leave you boys to it.
Michelle, there's some people I want you to meet.
So have you er you know? - What? - You know Got past the wanking stage yet? - I beg your pardon? - Don't pretend.
- You've got that look in your eye.
- I don't know what you're Does it get any easier? You've just got to learn to control it.
I'd wake up with the best of intentions, streamline my business plan, market research, but Within half an hour of the wife leaving, you're on the Internet! I mean, the first month, I did it so often I couldn't sit down.
We've all been there.
It's getting harder to tell Anita why I'm not making progress with the business.
I can't tell her that instead of phoning potential clients I'm just frantically wanking off over the most mildly arousing image on daytime TV.
You've just got to learn to timetable it properly.
- Really? - It's like a reward system.
You make a good phone call, have a wank to celebrate.
- It works for me.
- Sounds like a good idea.
I nearly wanked the whole business away a couple of years ago.
I had to claw it back from the brink.
What are you boys colluding over? No.
Er Gary was just giving me some good advice about working from home, keeping the books, allotting your time effectively.
He should be telling you how to reign in the wanking.
At home all day, I know what I'd be doing.
- Hi.
- Of course they're real flamingos! Sorry.
I mean do you want a season ticket or a family ticket? Season tickets are £500 and they're very popular.
Um Just a family ticket, please.
Very well, that'll be £35.
Follow the signs.
Tickets, please.
No binoculars.
I can hardly see anything.
Can't we get closer? I advise you not to cross that line for your own safety.
The flamingos are very unpredictable.
- Oh, this is ridiculous.
- No, don't go! Stop him, for God's sake! - Afternoon.
- Lovely day.
- Yeah, are you - Fancy a cocktail? - Well, I - It's a daiquiri.
- That's really nice.
- Look, your clothes are all wet.
- What are you, a 38? - Yeah, but Oh, come on.
At least try it on.
Yes, that's nice.
Do you like the music of Bruce Springsteen? - Er Actually, yes, I do.
- Yes, I love a bit of The Boss.
I saw him in Philadelphia once.
Really? That must have been amazing.
Mummy? Is Daddy coming back? A season ticket is £500.
Look, I'm sorry I said the thing about you not having sex very often.
I'm sure you get up to all sorts and just don't tell me about it.
Well, as a matter of fact, that's all been going quite well, actually.
Really? Sorry.
Really.
Yes, let's just say there's been quite a lot of pussy action.
- David! See you at Marco's tonight, David? - Wey-hey! - Wey-hey! See you there, James.
What? Are you going to some kind of sex place with him? It's not a sex place, it's a unisex nudist sauna.
It's all perfectly friendly.
- It sounds friendly.
- What is your problem? - Why are you going with him? - On my own, I might get horribly raped.
He's a big guy and you're married.
I could have gone out with you looking for women before I was married.
- You were in a long-term relationship.
- Before her! - You were in a long-term relationship.
- Before her.
- You were in a long-term relationship.
- Before him.
- You were in a long-term relationship.
- They weren't.
- You still didn't talk to me much.
- That didn't count.
Before them.
- Before them, we hadn't met.
- (Snorts) All right, fine.
Well, you go and have fun with loads of women.
Well, I sort of might.
While I have fun with one excellent and very, very sexy woman for the rest of my life.
Good for you.
- You do know about condoms.
- Oh, for God's Well, he won't explain it! Greenland? Whatever!
Their Gracious Majesties' confidence in humble Columbus is vindicated.
There is a western route to the Indies, and therefore I hereby name these islands the West Indies.
Er East Indies.
- What - East Indies, surely? What are you talking about? We sailed west to find them, to the west of us.
Therefore they're the West Indies.
But I thought we were proving that the world is a globe, so if these truly are the Indies, which is something I'd like to talk to you about at some point Assuming they are the Indies, then they must be the East Indies, the most easterly point of the Indies, do you see? - Do you see this? - It's your hat.
- What kind of hat? - A captain's hat.
- And what does that make me? - Captain.
Yes, it does.
And what does that make these? - The West Indies? - Bingo.
Lovely to see you.
Thanks for coming.
Lovely to see you.
- Hi.
Congratulations.
Well done.
- Thanks, Martin.
I won't gabble on, because this is your day and you've got all these people, but I'm really sorry about your dad, Helen.
Oh.
Well, yeah, thanks.
I was shocked when I heard the news.
I didn't know he was ill.
Bloody hell! Never mind that now.
Well, mind that, but this is your big day.
I got you a card.
- Will you put it - It's not a wedding card.
It's a "Sorry Your Dad's Dead" card.
Which I am.
I'm moving on with all these lovely people.
And Mike, here's a "Congratulations On Your Engagement" card.
- Well, better late than never.
- Exactly.
And I'm sorry she dumped you.
But she didn't! So I think we're up to date now.
Oh, this is for if you have a child.
And this is for if it dies.
Well, I'll pop off now.
This is your big day and you don't need me going on and on and on and on and on - I've got cancer, but listen - What? That's nothing to do with it.
I don't see you very often, so I thought I'd strike while - Is it serious? Are you all right? - I'm completely (Mouths) Don't worry.
Look at all these people, I'm holding everything up.
Oh, God! - Is there anything we can do? - No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Seriously, I'm as happy as Larry, really.
So look.
Um If I don't see you again, I mean, ever again, then have a bloody good one.
Lovely service.
Great service.
(# Fanfare) (Narrator) 'Good morning, housewives and layabouts of the Empire.
'This is television talking in your head.
'Welcome to the first experimental broadcast during the day.
'Or as we call it, Elevenses Television.
But first, the King.
' (Camp voice) You're watching television.
Stay tuned! Tomorrow, another chance to catch footage of Hitler's corpse, Pictures of the charred remains of Hitler are accompanied by Vera Lynn B-sides.
Now a new conversation programme hosted by Mrs Patricia Wilberforce, "The Mrs Patricia Wilberforce Programme".
(# Swing jazz plays over dialogue) Good morning, ladies and the war-wounded.
My name is Mrs Patricia Wilberforce.
Today we will be discussing real-life sticky situations, as much as is seemly.
My first guest is Mr Albert Compton, whose wife claims he tends to behave in an inappropriate manner.
(AII whisper) (Tutting) - Mr Compton, do be seated.
- I don't like to make a fuss.
He's always like this.
Sorry, we'll have to stop it there, as Mrs Compton has said, "Fuck!" Oh, I do beg your pardon, viewers.
She didn't say "Fuck!" after all.
Thank you, Mr and Mrs Albert Compton.
My next guest is Miss Margaret Blighton.
Following an incident in the black-out, she's got herself in the family way.
(Audience boo and hiss) I speak for all of us when I say that I hope her unfortunate fiancé insists on a deoxyribonucleic acid test when the little bastard is whelped.
(Man) Hear, hear! Join me next time on the "Mrs Patricia Wilberforce Programme" when I'll be telling the shocking story of Mrs Elsie Taylor, who freely admits to taking two sherries before dinner, and whom I shall have imprisoned for delinquency.
Goodbye.
(Narrator) 'Are you uncouth? 'Our researchers would like to make your acquaintance.
'Telephone us on Mayfair-426 and state your business.
' Morning, Horse.
How are you? Are we OK? I know a lot of things got said yesterday.
I've had a lot on my mind.
I'm sure you have, but um I think we both overreacted.
You look well.
I can understand you aren't in a very good mood with me, what with all the fallings-outs and whatnot, which is why Ta-dah! It's all right, it's not a gun.
Joke, joke! Which is why I thought I could cheer us up with a song which I wrote.
Feel free to join in at any point.
# You are not alone # I am here with you # Join in.
# Though we're far apart # Any time now.
# You're always in my heart # Come on, Horse.
# You are not alone # After me! # I am # All right, forget it! Just forget it! I mean, what was it? Was it the gun joke? It was a joke! Have you got a sense of humour? Why is it always me with the peace pipe? I'm always the one carrying the white flag! It was a joke! So, Sir Walter, the New World's at our feet.
Have you given any thought as to what to call it? We shall name it of course after our beloved queen.
Yes, of course.
Sorry.
Let it pass and hail to this glorious land, Virginia! - Er - What? - Who's Virginia? - The Queen of England, you dog! Oh, right.
Except I don't know how to put this.
She's not called Virginia, but Elizabeth.
I'm well aware of that, but she is, I trust you will agree, a virgin.
Er Yeah, as far as I know.
I mean, I'm sure she is.
But do we want to name a country after that fact? - Why not? - It seems a bit rude.
Rude? How so? To other nations, bringing up the fact she's never done it, it seems personal.
They might not want to know.
OK, well Maybe I'll think about it.
Oh! Hang on.
Remind me.
- Who's the captain? - You are.
- And whose boat is it? - Your boat.
- Who decides what to call, you know - You do.
- Do I? - Yes.
- Do I really? - Yes.
Welcome to Virginia! Can I just take this out? (Clears throat) - Oh.
Can I reserve "Cold Mountain"? - No.
- Pardon? - I said no.
I won't reserve that for you.
This is far more appropriate.
I know it's silly.
I thought I'd read some God-awful rubbish like you always do? I'd steer clear of "Cold Mountain" if I were you.
It's not like when you watch it on DVD with your girlfriends.
There's no dishy Jude Law to hold your hand through the difficult prose.
- What? - Yes, it's all words.
Most of them longer than the ones you'd find in your copy of "Top Santé".
- I - Or "Grazia".
Look at that.
That's a comprehensive list of all the depressing books you've taken out.
- You know what that tells me? - No.
It tells me you're possibly the dullest, most dunderheaded female ever to scrape together the mental wherewithal correctly to fill in a library application form.
- Did you have help? - Did I what? Ssh! This is a library.
Just look at it.
It's like the reading list of the University of Thick.
I went to Warwick! When you talk to people, do they do this a lot? "Uh-huh, yeah, fine.
Uh-huh, yeah, mmm.
" - I - It's because they're not listening.
When your friends see you, they're doing you a favour.
You're like a charity to them.
It's their way of giving something back.
Basically, you're like him.
I'm making my donation now.
- I don't believe this.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
- What gives you the right? - Uh-huh.
It's difficult for you to grasp.
You're a real idiot.
Possibly one of the stupidest people I've ever met.
And I lived in Leatherhead for six miserable years.
I'm bored just looking at you.
You with your grey face and your dead eyes.
- (Yawns) - But Bored! Are you still here, you soporific dullard? You're right.
- It's all true.
My friends hate me.
- There, there.
- What can I do? - Yes, what to do? What to do? What to do? (Gasps) I've had a little thought.
What? How about a little date? Hmm? Just you and me, out and about on a little date.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Yes, I'd like that.
I think I'd like to go on a little date with you.
Do you think that would be all right? Yes, a little date would suit me just fine.
No, I can't do Thursday.
I'm making a documentary.
- What documentary? - About the Battle of Stalingrad.
- Since when? - They asked me ages ago.
- Why didn't they ask me? - Probably didn't think it was your thing.
My th It could be my thing.
I could make a documentary.
Learn your lines and look like you know what you're doing.
I know.
It's good, isn't it? In this case, I actually know a lot about the Battle of Stalingrad.
- Cos you've read "Stalingrad"? - Not just that.
And you played a character who'd read "Stalingrad"? So they get someone who's not only pretending to read a book but has also read a book? That is definitely not how it works.
causing untold loss of life and destroying several major buildings.
If you've just joined us, the breaking news is that everything's fine after a major incident.
Let's go over now live to our reporter Eric Turner at the scene where everything's now fine.
The news we're getting from the security services is that everything's fine and back to normal.
As you can see, behind me everything is now fine.
Ignore the smoke from the explosion, because as I say, everything's fine now.
Have there been any fatalities? Nobody's dying, everything's fine.
There have been recent deaths, but that's over now and everything's fine.
The death toll is not rising.
Everyone's either dead already or still alive like normal.
Hang on, I'm just hearing that someone else has died but everything's fine now.
Thank you, Eric.
In other news, everything's fine in Shropshire after major flooding.
The Mayor of Shrewsbury described the situation as "OK, apart from the water everywhere which will go after a bit.
" The hunt for the Aberdeen serial killer goes on but the investigating officer said, "Everything's fine almost the whole time, "apart from the small interludes during which the killer is murdering someone.
" So that all sounds pretty much fine.
And now over to Karen with your emails.
Thank you, Tim.
Most of your emails have been about how everything's fine.
This is from John in London.
"Came out of nowhere, huge bang, sky lit-up red, then it was all fine again.
" Julie in Coventry described how "everything was fine once my clothes stopped being on fire.
" And Arthur from The Wirral sums up the situation by saying, "Those of us left alive are all fine.
" Thank you, Tim.
Time for a look at tomorrow's papers.
The Telegraph leads with, "Fineness resumed after major incident".
The Guardian goes with, "Major tragedy forms grizzly backdrop to general OK-ness.
" The Sun headline simply reads, "Fine".
The Mirror, "OK".
And the Daily Mail, "Everything's fine.
Fear it, fear it!" Jerry, I think I've got something.
What is it, Mike? It's very similar to a jewellery box I found in Nîmes in '86.
The sort of thing a Roman governor's wife might have owned.
My God! It's a video tape.
This is incredible.
This is the single most important archaeological discovery ever made.
The Romans had video technology.
Here we go.
(Speaks Latin) Latin, as spoken by an actual ancient Roman.
(Jerry) What's she saying? I think she's saying, "Turn that off, I haven't got my face on.
" The man filming is saying, "Give us a kiss, darling.
" Astonishing.
Ah, now, he's very senior.
I think he must be a senator.
(Moans) And Jerry and I were particularly excited by this bit.
So the toga is not only a practical item of clothing, given their climate.
It also allows the Roman citizen to change discreetly into his swimming trunks.
Ah! And there we are.
All 106 minutes of it.
I have my problems with this.
For instance, here, my research suggests that a centurion would not have worn a scabbard that length.
Well, actually, a scabbard of exactly that length dating from exactly this period was found in Turkey.
That's completely cleared up my reservations.
Gentlemen, surely the big thing we all seem to be ignoring is - How do they wear the tunics? - Precisely.
(AII chatter) Hold on! Have you all gone mad? - This is a video tape.
- An ancient Roman tape.
Well done! The Romans didn't have video tapes.
It's made of plastic.
Plastic wasn't invented till the 1950s.
I find it incredible that this has been allowed to get this far.
I am genuinely ashamed to be part of this faculty.
Of course.
Simon's quite right, I I should've realised it was too good to be true.
I must seem very foolish to you all.
I hope you're pleased with yourself, Simon.
He's put his whole life into this department.
And you sit there and destroy everything he's worked for without a moment's thought.
You must feel very proud of yourself, Simon! Well done! Well, I'm not saying it's completely impossible.
I mean, the ancient Egyptians had brain surgery.
Really, Simon? Yeah, and um And there's some evidence that the ancient Egyptians had batteries as well.
- Great.
- (Woman) Right, then.
I think we should go public with this.
But it means everyone here stating their professional reputation on that? Are you all prepared to do it? Simon, you had reservations.
Are you sure you're happy? Um Yeah.
Yeah, so let's go for it.
(Mouths) He was saying to me, "What is this mysterious place, Sarah, or whatever?" I was like, "Yes, it is good.
" But then he asked all these questions about cars, power stations, and mobile phones.
It was awful cos I had no idea how any of them worked.
Which meant his journey through time had been wasted.
Which meant he was a bloody nerd, Ray.
The only guy to travel through time from the 17th century, or the Victorian era, or whatever, turns to be a massive spod.
- And then you woke up? - What? Did you wake up at that realisation? It wasn't a dream.
This all happened.
I wondered why you were seeming so under whelmed.
I thought it might be sang-froid.
I'll give you a tick.
You're not doing too well on "disingenuous", Colin.
No.
No, I'm not.
Ray, no! That doesn't count as using it, Ray! - Why not? - Cos you're quoting the chart.
You made me put a quid in a fuck jar for calling it a fuck jar rather than for actually saying "Fuck".
That was a quote! That should be three quid! No, Colin.
We've bought the soda stream now, that's over.
I think your efforts to avoid passing comment on the remarkable fact that I've chatted to a time traveller are now bordering on the ludicrous.
- I suppose it's that I don't believe you.
- Right.
It's like those guys with "The end is nigh" sandwich boards on.
They must be constantly amazed by how calm everyone's reaction to the news seems to be.
It gives them respect for the world they think is about to end.
"These," they must think as everyone ignores them, "are good people to have around you in a crisis.
" Until they see people's reactions to one solitary princess dying in a car crash.
They suddenly realise no one's been believing them.
Yes, indeed.
Mass suicide of The-End-is-Nighsters in the wake of Diana's death is about the only unsung element left of that tragedy.
- Who's the cappuccino? - Mine! You sent him out for coffees? So the latte must be yours.
You sent a time traveller out for coffee? At last, finally, I get a rise out of you.
The contraption which created this was enthralling so I apologise for the delay.
Told you he was a nerd.
Where do they get the idea you're the clever one? - You're not as clever as you think.
- Neither are you.
Yes, but at least I know I'm not.
What? You know you're not as clever as you think? Yes, unlike you.
- How clever do you think you are? - Very.
And how clever do you know you are really? Well, less clever than that.
You've laid some kind of trap! So to recap, what's good about you as opposed to me, is you know you're less clever than you think you are.
That's morally healthy, whereas my opinion of my intelligence, as flawed an evaluation as anyone's could be, is deemed unreliable because of its subjective consistency.
You see why you never get laid, don't you? What news, Number One? Captain, the Lord has delivered us to a truly wondrous land.
Lashed subtropical plains stretching as far as the eye can see.
It's 90 degrees in the shade though it's November.
There are herds of seven-foot creatures bouncing across the landscape at tremendous speed.
Yes! Do you know where it reminds me of? Wales.
- Wales? Really, sir? - Oh, yes.
Don't you think? What, the vast terra incognito with fauna and flora hitherto undreamt of by sights puts you in mind of nothing so much as Rhyl? No, of course not.
Not North Wales.
That's ridiculous! There's nothing like North Wales.
No, South Wales of course! - The resemblance is uncanny! - Right.
Does this mean you're gonna name it what I think you're gonna name it? Well, I don't know.
- Remind me.
Who's the captain? - You are.
And who's got the captain's hat, the captain's table, the captain's cabin and the captain's log? You have all of them, sir.
Well, I'll tell you what.
You're an ambitious man.
Why don't you decide what we call it? I think we should call it New South Wales.
Good name! - Hi, guys.
How are you? - Oh, not bad, Anita.
Good to see you.
Terry, this is Gary and Michelle.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Gary works from home as well, don't you? Oh, er You've given up the nine to five as well then, Terry? - I've only been doing it a few months.
- Takes a bit of getting used to.
I'll leave you boys to it.
Michelle, there's some people I want you to meet.
So have you er you know? - What? - You know Got past the wanking stage yet? - I beg your pardon? - Don't pretend.
- You've got that look in your eye.
- I don't know what you're Does it get any easier? You've just got to learn to control it.
I'd wake up with the best of intentions, streamline my business plan, market research, but Within half an hour of the wife leaving, you're on the Internet! I mean, the first month, I did it so often I couldn't sit down.
We've all been there.
It's getting harder to tell Anita why I'm not making progress with the business.
I can't tell her that instead of phoning potential clients I'm just frantically wanking off over the most mildly arousing image on daytime TV.
You've just got to learn to timetable it properly.
- Really? - It's like a reward system.
You make a good phone call, have a wank to celebrate.
- It works for me.
- Sounds like a good idea.
I nearly wanked the whole business away a couple of years ago.
I had to claw it back from the brink.
What are you boys colluding over? No.
Er Gary was just giving me some good advice about working from home, keeping the books, allotting your time effectively.
He should be telling you how to reign in the wanking.
At home all day, I know what I'd be doing.
- Hi.
- Of course they're real flamingos! Sorry.
I mean do you want a season ticket or a family ticket? Season tickets are £500 and they're very popular.
Um Just a family ticket, please.
Very well, that'll be £35.
Follow the signs.
Tickets, please.
No binoculars.
I can hardly see anything.
Can't we get closer? I advise you not to cross that line for your own safety.
The flamingos are very unpredictable.
- Oh, this is ridiculous.
- No, don't go! Stop him, for God's sake! - Afternoon.
- Lovely day.
- Yeah, are you - Fancy a cocktail? - Well, I - It's a daiquiri.
- That's really nice.
- Look, your clothes are all wet.
- What are you, a 38? - Yeah, but Oh, come on.
At least try it on.
Yes, that's nice.
Do you like the music of Bruce Springsteen? - Er Actually, yes, I do.
- Yes, I love a bit of The Boss.
I saw him in Philadelphia once.
Really? That must have been amazing.
Mummy? Is Daddy coming back? A season ticket is £500.
Look, I'm sorry I said the thing about you not having sex very often.
I'm sure you get up to all sorts and just don't tell me about it.
Well, as a matter of fact, that's all been going quite well, actually.
Really? Sorry.
Really.
Yes, let's just say there's been quite a lot of pussy action.
- David! See you at Marco's tonight, David? - Wey-hey! - Wey-hey! See you there, James.
What? Are you going to some kind of sex place with him? It's not a sex place, it's a unisex nudist sauna.
It's all perfectly friendly.
- It sounds friendly.
- What is your problem? - Why are you going with him? - On my own, I might get horribly raped.
He's a big guy and you're married.
I could have gone out with you looking for women before I was married.
- You were in a long-term relationship.
- Before her! - You were in a long-term relationship.
- Before her.
- You were in a long-term relationship.
- Before him.
- You were in a long-term relationship.
- They weren't.
- You still didn't talk to me much.
- That didn't count.
Before them.
- Before them, we hadn't met.
- (Snorts) All right, fine.
Well, you go and have fun with loads of women.
Well, I sort of might.
While I have fun with one excellent and very, very sexy woman for the rest of my life.
Good for you.
- You do know about condoms.
- Oh, for God's Well, he won't explain it! Greenland? Whatever!