The Addams Family (1964) s02e04 Episode Script

Uncle Fester.
Lurch, I hope you don't mind my using your harpsichord.
It helps me in my composing.
How does it sound? I say, Lurch, how does it sound? How can I concentrate with Gomez tuning the harpsichord? Uncle Fester, he's not tuning it.
He's composing on it.
- That's composing? - What does it seem like? Well, it seems like composing, but it sounds like tuning.
What are you composing, Gomez? A sonata for three hands.
Three hands? It'll give Lurch a chance to play duets with Thing.
Oh, that's very creative, darling.
Mail's in.
Thank you, Thing.
The seal has a coat of arms.
The only seal I ever saw had a coat of fur.
Could be from Princess Millicent.
Ah, yes.
Oh, she's arriving for an extended visit.
I thought princesses only lived in castles.
Princess Millicent is in reality Gomez's Aunt Millie, from Marshy Bottom, Iowa.
Then the coat of arms and the title is a fake, huh? No, Aunt Millie picked those up years ago when she married a Prince Von Schlepp.
- Sounds glamorous.
- Not really.
Von Schlepp was a prince, but he was also a pauper.
- The poor man.
- That's usually what a pauper is.
He squandered Aunt Millie's money on foolish investments.
And when he died, all she had left was the title and a trunk full of worthless oil stock.
She's been living on her relatives ever since.
Poor thing.
Clothed only in a coat of arms.
Checkmate.
I've always wanted to meet your Aunt Millicent.
- She's certainly welcome here.
- Bravo, querida.
- Spoken like a true Addams.
- Thank you, darling.
And what's more, we must be especially nice to your Aunt To Princess Millicent.
She must never feel like a poor relation in this house.
In that case, we should give her the royal chamber.
- Royal chamber? - Yeah, the one with the king-size bed.
Charming.
Your Highness.
The other hand.
Uncle Fester, what are you doing? I was practicing to greet the Princess.
That's ridiculous.
She may have married a prince, but she's still Aunt Millie from Iowa.
My watches say 4:00.
That makes it exactly 2:30.
The princess should be here any minute.
The princess.
To the garage.
- Well, well, if it isn't Aunt Millie.
- It isn't.
It's Princess Millicent.
Of course.
Well, how are you, Princess? You may call me "Your Highness.
" It's a good thing I practiced.
This is my lovely wife Morticia.
Welcome, Your Highness.
And this is our Uncle Fester.
Guess this one's on me.
My luggage is outside.
You may rise.
Easy for you to say.
Fester, you'd better help Lurch with the princess' bags.
Yes.
It's not what I'm accustomed to.
But I suppose it's better than a hotel.
You'll love your chamber.
It has a beautiful view.
On a clear day you can see all the way to the swamp.
But, of course, who wants a clear day? Would you like for me to help you unpack, Your Highness? It's not necessary.
I'm traveling very light this trip.
Besides, my handmaiden will help me.
Handmaiden? Handmaiden.
Allow me to present Lady Fingers.
How do you do, Lady Fingers? She seems very lovely.
Comes from a fine family.
Her father used to be my footman.
And now I think I'll retire to my chambers.
Lurch will show you where they are.
- I thought she said she was traveling light.
- She is.
Lurch and Uncle Fester are traveling heavy.
I'm so glad she's here, though.
And with Lady Fingers.
I think she's just the companion that Thing has been longing for lately.
He's right, she's left.
The perfect match.
We'll see.
Thing.
My, aren't they the shy ones! Lady Fingers, where are you? I need you up here at once.
Oh, he missed his chance.
Don't worry, he'll have others.
He's handy that way.
It's about time you showed up.
When I give a command, I want it obeyed immediately.
I do hope Lady Fingers won't pick up slothful ways around here.
Oh, no.
How did you find your chamber? - The bed is as hard as nails.
- Knew you'd like it.
And where on earth did you get those black drapes? - I really had to shop for them.
- Ghastly.
When she brought Lady Fingers, I thought she was a true Addams.
Obviously, there's something wrong with her.
Well, the poor dear has suffered so, what with her husband dying.
Worse than that, he went broke.
I do hope she stays, for Thing's sake.
But she's accustomed to castles.
Yes, she does live in a dream world.
There must be some way we can make her feel at home.
We couldn't convert this place into a castle.
The ceilings are too low.
- We can do everything else.
- You mean You're reading my mind, aren't you, bubele? Tish, that name.
Darling, control yourself.
Royalty now, bubele later.
Very well, but later you'll have to call me Sir Bubele.
Gomez, darling, do hurry.
The princess should be down any moment.
Oh, darling, you do make a dashing cavalier.
Not such a bad lady-in-waiting yourself.
I wonder what's keeping her.
Patience, my dear.
A lady-in-waiting must learn to wait.
Here she is.
What's wrong with him? - Too big for his britches.
- That's quite obvious.
He left without being dismissed.
You may go.
Well, I can see this household will need a lot of training.
And now I wish to be entertained.
Do you hear? I wish to be entertained.
Uncle Fester.
Coming.
Fester the Jester.
What will it be, Your Highness? Sick jokes? Elephant joke? Limerick.
"There was a young man from Dakota" No limericks, huh? How about stupid jokes? They're my specialty.
See, this one stupe says to another, "Did you take a bath?" And the other one says, "Is one missing?" You may retire permanently.
Yes, Your Highness.
Mama, I understand you and the princess have had a spat.
That woman is driving me batty.
The only thing she'll let me serve is Chicken a la King.
Well, that's the royalty business.
Besides, Chicken a la King's rather tasty.
Without the feathers? Some people have the dullest tastes.
Here you are, Lurch.
Now please try not to bow so low.
This is the third time I've had to mend them.
Must I Well, Lurch, maybe the princess will let you wear a suit of armor instead.
Those things wear like iron.
I'm so glad we kept up with our minuet.
It's so appropriate now.
Let them eat cake.
In the dungeon.
Off with their heads.
Isn't that sweet? She's dreaming of the good old days.
I give up.
I want her to hear me.
On account of her, I've been up nights studying old joke books, learning card tricks, even old bird calls.
I just heard you do a vulture, Fester.
You were terrific.
That wasn't me.
That was Her Highness, snoring.
Nobody seems to be enjoying the princess' visit.
Except those two.
They finally got together.
Let's leave them alone.
Can I kiss your hand, Madame? Dear Lurch, he's such an incurable romantic.
Just leave the bags here.
I'll send for them later.
Leaving us, Your Highness? Is something wrong? Everything is wrong.
He won't bow anymore.
And he doesn't amuse me.
And this morning, I found a sign on my door saying, "Princess, go home.
" I'm moving to a hotel, and don't try to stop me.
I said don't try to stop me.
I wouldn't dream of it.
One moment, Your Highness.
This whole house is subversive.
To the hotel.
We're free, Lurch.
We're liberated.
Well, smile, Lurch, smile.
Gomez, darling, Mama tells me the princess is leaving.
Better than that, she's left.
She's gone to a hotel.
And you let her? Dear, you know she can't afford it.
Oh, yes, she can.
Oil discovered in the desert? Remember all those worthless oil stocks I told you Aunt Millie had? They're not worthless anymore.
Aunt Millie can not only afford to live in a hotel, she can afford to buy it.
Hey, maybe we ought to get her back.
Oil's well that ends well.
"Oil's well.
" Get it? That's a joke.
You don't have to joke anymore, Fester.
You're no longer a court jester.
And you, Lurch, you can get back into long pants.
- We are going back to normal.
- Oh, wonderful.
The Addams family is a democracy again.
Exactly.
From now on, I give the orders around here.
- Gomez.
- But nobody has to obey them.
I'm sure glad I don't have to be funny anymore.
We all are, dear.
I just finished my sonata for three hands.
You rang? Lurch, how would you like to play this with Thing? Can't wait to get at it, eh? Thing? Thing, are you there? Oh, Thing, Mr.
Addams has finished his sonata for three hands and with Thing? Thing, what is it? Thing? - Something seems to be wrong with him.
- Darling.
His pulse is rather sluggish.
We better contact the jungle and get Dr.
Mbogo.
You know how those jungle witch doctors are, Gomez.
They just won't make house calls.
- I don't think he needs a doctor, dear.
- You mean he's beyond help? You don't think he's sick? - Lovesick.
- Of course.
It was written all over his cuticles.
I'd never have dreamt he'd take it that hard.
There's only one thing to do.
We have to get Lady Fingers back.
- But to do that, we must also bring back - Oh, no.
We must make the sacrifice for Thing's sake.
I'll have to start telling jokes again.
Buck up, Lurch.
As Mrs.
Addams says, we must all make the sacrifice for Thing's sake.
We must think Thing.
Welcome, Your Highness.
We greet Your Highness.
Well, that's much better.
You see, even the pages have turned over a new leaf.
Children, you may go.
Allow me to assist you, Your Highness.
Lurch, come and bow for Princess Millicent.
- Is he gonna be able to make it? - Oh, yes.
Mama let out the seat of his trousers with a couple of accordion pleats.
Accordion pleats? Musical pants.
You see how glad we are to have you back, Your Highness? Naturally.
Now that I'm rich again, you're all playing a different tune.
Especially Lurch.
Lurch, please show Her Highness to her chambers.
Yes, Mrs.
Addams.
- Have you got it, darling? - Right here, cara mia.
Did you hear his knuckles pop? True love.
- Did you see that? - She certainly has aged.
That couldn't be Lady Fingers.
Maybe that's what she looks like without makeup.
Nonsense.
I'm going to ask the princess what this is all about.
She must be coming.
I can hear Lurch bowing.
Princess, what happened to Lady Fingers? After I left here, she just moped and drooped all over the place.
You fired her? Well, I'm certainly not going to have a handmaiden who just sits around twiddling her thumb.
This is ridiculous.
The whole idea was to get Lady Fingers back for Thing.
Now we're stuck with the princess and a claw who's old enough to be Thing's mother.
Lurch keeps bowing so much, his pants have to be retuned.
What is it, Princess? One of my bracelets is missing.
- Maybe you miscounted.
- It was stolen.
- And I know who stole it.
Thing.
- Oh, no.
Don't contradict me.
And I insist he be searched immediately.
Just as I thought, he's gone.
Thing? Thing? She's right, he's gone.
You rang? Lurch, Thing is missing.
Do you know where he went? Of course he doesn't know.
Call the police.
Oh, must we? Let's not be hasty, Your Highness.
I feel there's some explanation for the whole affair.
Gomez, darling, your wallet.
My wallet? It's gone.
Good thing I carry my money in my sock.
No, no, darling.
Oh, dear.
She's locked herself in.
My wallet.
My bracelet.
My joke book.
My silverware.
Well, that seems to be all.
Then the old claw took it on the lam.
Esmeralda, a thief! And an old hand at it, too.
If Thing were here, I'd apologize to him.
- Thing! - Where have you been? Lady Fingers! Of course.
Thing went to find the woman he loved.
I hope you'll come back to me.
Oh, thank you.
We'll take a trip around the world.
But, Princess, you'd be separating her from Thing.
They can get married, and Thing can come along and work for me.
How about it, Thing? By george, he's going to wait for her.
An engagement ring.
You've really taken to that accordion, Morticia.
Well, ever since our little incidents with the princess, I've grown a little accustomed to the sound.
You've become rather royalty-conscious yourself, darling.
Well, this outfit sort of makes me feel a bit more courtly.
It does have a certain je ne sais quoi.
Tish, that's French.
Morticia, querida, where are you? Darling, please, not in that suit.
Oh, yes, yes.
You're right.
That music is pretty exciting, too.
Darling, I didn't play that.
That was Lurch, wasn't it? He's really learned how to play those pants.