The Almighty Johnsons (2011) s02e04 Episode Script

You are now walking that line between life and death.
Isn't that intense? Shit! You're killing him! I don't need you guys or Mum fighting my fights.
Who brought her into it? I'm fine is what I'm saying.
Will someone putt a fucking ball? Your girlfriend came round.
No, no, no, no! Eva's getting more Barking mad.
Stronger.
Hey! Prime bitch, right there, could use a lesson in right and proper behaviour for a goddess.
And I don't give a fuck if she is Hel.
What the fuck do you want? Hold on, baby! Hold on! Eva! If you're thinking of calling the police, that's not a great idea.
I mean, in the end it'll be up to you if you want to call them or not.
But in the interim, there are decisions you need to make.
Oh God, I have been sitting in this bloody chair for hours.
Where have you been all night? No, maybe you shouldn't tell me.
It might be best if I don't know.
Eva She's dead.
Is she? Yes.
Are you sure? Yes.
Are you sad? What? Are you sad she's dead? Of course I am.
Are you sure? Yes.
That'll be the shock.
Oh, my God.
You locked her in there.
I've always thought 'Oh, my God' sounds strange coming from the mouth of a god.
You might as well say 'Oh, my me'.
You killed her.
Well, someone had to.
You look like you need to sit down for a bit.
Not too long.
We have a limited window of opportunity.
One of the many things I never liked about your ex-wife was her complete and utter lack of class.
What the fuck do you want? And more importantly, what the hell are you wearing? You and I need to have a chat about how you treat my son.
What? Is he your pet? He's a lot more than that you heinous bitch! Do you know if she was currently on antidepressants? Doesn't matter.
It'll add that final touch of authenticity if she was.
No, no, no, no, no.
Here we are.
Drugs and alcohol - two of your favourite things.
The trick was not to give her too much or too many enough to be in her system, but not implausible she could still drive.
Drive where? We'll get to that.
You need to understand all this so you can decide what to do.
I understand that you killed her.
Well, if it helps, she was a cunning cow.
Oh! Oh! Argh! Oh! Ow! Ooh, you little slut! Ooh! I'd have preferred not to do that, but I'm hoping the bruising will be explained by the fall.
What? Freyja, hear this.
Hel will make you pay in torment.
When we meet again and you walk the Helveg road, pass through the carrion gate in into my hall of Eljudnir hunger will be your plate for eternity.
Oh, someone's been reading up on their mythology.
Pity they're called myths for a reason.
Oh.
I've cleaned the floor a few times now, so I'm sure the blood's gone.
If it's not, you can explain the odd spot as the result of some accident butcher girl, sharp knife should the police become involved.
Why wouldn't they? Of course they will.
But the level of involvement is very much up to you.
Like I said, you have a decision to make.
Which is? If you want to tell them what I've done, I won't fight it.
I won't deny it.
What she was doing to you I'm proud I killed the nasty witch.
I was going to leave her.
After what she did to Dawn, I was going to leave her! She would never have allowed that.
Like I said, it's over to you.
You mentioned driving and a fall.
You need to wrap her in the plastic, Ty.
I know that.
We're on a bit of a timeline here.
Have you no respect? Um, I killed her, which I think answers that question.
This is where I need you to be with me, Ty.
Otherwise we might as well not bother.
This is where I need you to man up.
I'm not experienced when it comes to disposing of dead bodies.
Hey, I've only ever done this one time before.
Don't make out like I'm some kind of serial killer.
And we're not disposing of the body.
It's quite the opposite, actually.
I'll drive Eva's car.
My car is parked in Brazier Place.
There's a map on the front seat.
I've marked where you need to park and the track that will take you to where I am.
Put her down.
Unwrap her.
She goes down there.
A little late to get squeamish, Ty.
A distraught, out-of-it, suicidal girl walks into a forest at night, sooner or later she's gonna fall down a bank.
Oh, don't look at me like that.
How does your mind work? We can argue the rights and wrongs later.
For now And dust to dust.
Hypothermia - one.
Eva - zero.
Oh, for heaven's sake, this is a life here.
Not anymore, it's not.
I'm so sorry.
It's a normal day, like any other.
Go to work, but keep calling your wife and leaving messages you're worried, you're sorry about the fight last night, where are you? Yeah, I've got the idea.
You need her to let you know that she's OK.
I'll phone some of Eva's friends, ask if anyone has seen her.
Good idea.
Good man.
And when the police call? If they haven't found her by early evening, say, you call them and report her missing.
Tell them your concerns about her state of mind.
She has a history of this sort of behaviour, I would guess.
She doesn't have a history of being murdered.
But I think there are people who would relate to the idea she might do something like this.
Good.
It's best you don't call me in the foreseeable future.
I can live with that.
So where were you last night? I thought you didn't want to know.
On second thoughts, it might be best if I did.
I was with a friend.
Who? It's not important.
Was it Dawn? Yes.
Were you screwing her? No.
Don't let her interfere with anything.
Me being with Dawn has nothing to do with what you did.
I hope you're right.
I've done everything I can for you.
Now you have to play your part.
Don't worry about me.
I won't.
Not anymore.
Fuck! Oh, God.
You checking up on me, are you? All is good.
I've made contact with the bird guy thing.
He's very hairy for a bird thing.
We set out tomorrow.
You've gained a travelling companion.
Eh? Don't worry about Astrid.
I don't think she speaks English.
We communicate in other ways.
I don't need to know.
Tell me about Dawn.
The person or the time of day? The person.
She's a nice girl.
Not what you'd call a catch, but not unattractive either, if you like your biscuits plain.
I was thinking more in terms of her personality, Anders.
Is she malleable? You mean does she go both ways? I wouldn't know.
Why is everything always about sex with you? It's how I roll.
I need to know if she can be persuaded to do the right thing at the right time.
By me she can.
But then, most women can.
So, what is it you want Dawn to do, Mother? I want her to keep her mouth shut, is what I want.
About what? Morning, Dawn.
Hi.
I'm glad you're here.
We have a lot to do.
You up for it? Yeah, sure.
It's Eva.
Confess all.
Hi.
It's me again.
Uh, still wondering where you are.
Can you call me when you get this message? I love you, and I'm sorry.
Uh, when I got back from Dawn's, Eva had shot through.
She's a bit out of control, eh.
Just a bit.
If you want to hang out here for the rest of the day, that's OK with me.
Ta.
What do you want, son-in-law? Hi.
Sorry to disturb you.
Too late for apologies now.
What do you want? I was wondering if Eva was with you.
Eva is most certainly not with me.
Have you seen her today? Why would I have seen her today? She didn't come home last night.
So? So I'm worried.
How sweet.
Go away.
Greetings, barkeep.
The surf is dire, and I have a fine lady on my arm.
Hello.
Ty, what a coincidence.
I've had the most disturbing vision involving you.
What? It fulfilled a false prophecy.
What prophecy? Well, I know it was false because, in it you became the guardian of the last beer on Earth.
Tell me this isn't true, Mike.
Grandpa, you make a mockery of your oracleness.
Oracleness? Oh, is that a word? I hope so.
I like it.
I hereby bless these free midday beers.
Who said they were free? Oh, you should have respect for your elders, Mike.
Here.
It's on me.
You don't have to do that.
Let's not be too rash here.
I better see if I can track her down.
I'd say good luck, but You don't have to say anything.
Tragically pussy-whipped, that man.
Do you think it's actually physically possible Oh, oh, oh, yes.
Saw it in a bar in Bangkok once.
Remarkable, yet deeply disturbing.
Boo! Hi, Colin.
Show yourself in.
Oh, look, I'm sorry I was a little short on the phone before.
I was halfway through rogering a goddess, and by the halls of Asgard, aren't they up for it? Be careful how you answer that.
It's my daughter you're talking about.
What do you want, Colin? Has my 'dead from the neck up' girl shown her evil face yet? No.
She was supposed to leave me a haunch of venison.
Well, there's no food in there.
Well, of course not.
That's the Ice Baby's playroom.
She hasn't left you anything, I'm sorry.
Have you not learnt yet? Never apologise for my daughter that is a 24/7 occupation.
Is she sleeping around on you? No.
Where is she, then, if she's not out shagging? 'Cause let me tell you, goddesses love to shag a lot.
Well, answer it.
Don't mind me.
Tyrone Johnson? Yeah.
Eva Bjorn is your wife? Yes.
What's the stupid little bitch done now? I'm her father, by the way, and a lawyer.
Mr Johnson, I'm sorry to have to inform you that a body has been found.
I'm sorry? A body? We believe it to be that of Eva Bjorn.
Yes, that's her.
Give my daughter her name.
Yes, that's Eva.
Thank you.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Would it be possible for us to have a moment? What did you do?! Nothing! Tell me! I did nothing! No daughter of mine would walk off into a fucking forest to die! Eva hated fucking trees.
Do not fucking tell me it was suicide.
No way would she wimp out like that.
You're an expert on her mental state? The one who fucked her up? Do not talk to me like that, boy.
Had her drugged, let her think she was insane, treated her like shit.
You made her what she was.
You are a dead man.
Stuff it with his arctic fucking organs, spit-roast it over a fire pit and feed it to every one of his pissant brothers and that bald fucking freak-show grandfather and that bitch who calls herself their mother, just because.
Do you hear what I am saying? Yes, Colin, very creative.
Oh, I haven't even started yet.
This is going to get medieval.
I will get medieval on his arse.
See how Ice Boy likes a red hot poker up it.
Do you have any actual evidence he killed her? I looked into his eyes, and that is all the evidence I need.
Won't be a tick.
Hi.
Hi.
Thank you for getting me home last night.
That's OK.
And, I guess, for saving my life in the process.
I'm sorry you got put in that position.
And how is your psychotic wife today? Dead.
I don't know if that's trying to be funny or Someone found her car up in the Waitakeres this morning and then they found her.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
You're not really.
I am.
Well, I'm sorry, you know, for you.
I'm sorry.
How are you? OK.
How did she? What happened? The signs point towards she killed herself.
Is that because of? Did I? No, it wasn't because of you.
Is there anything I can do for you? I told the police I was at Anders' place last night, that a mutual friend of ours was looking after it.
I didn't mention your name, and I didn't tell them why I was there.
Why not? I didn't want to drag you into it.
Do they think that you had something to do with it? No, no, but, you know, I'm the husband and they always look at the husband, and you and I were lovers once.
And your wife was a psycho who tried to kill me.
I have no problems telling the police that.
If they ask, which they may or may not.
I have no idea.
So what do you want me to do? Uh Be honest.
You always are.
I'll tell them that you were with me all night.
But not in the way that that sounds.
In a good way.
You know what I mean.
I do.
Thank you.
Oh, you poor thing.
So, how did she actually die? Was it, like, an overdose or? That is a terrible question.
Oh, my god.
I am so sorry.
It's OK.
Uh, they don't know.
They think maybe it was hypothermia in the end.
I know.
It's kind of ironic, given what she tried to do to you.
Yeah.
I have to go.
Um, there's stuff that needs to be organised.
Yeah, of course.
Anything you need, just sing out.
Ta.
Man, I did not see this coming.
Really? That's surprising.
Here you go.
Oh, thanks, Stacey.
Do you want me to chase the emos away? I don't mind.
No, it's OK.
Let them have their moment.
I'll get it.
Are you sure you don't want something stronger? Have the police been in touch again? Just to say they're waiting on toxicology and stuff like that.
Does that mean there won't be a funeral for ages? I have no idea, Axl.
No.
I guess not.
I'm just doing what I'm told when I'm told to do it.
Men need their stomachs full at times like these.
Oh, yes, we do.
I had to improvise.
You have a lot of meat in your fridge.
That's kind of an Eva thing.
Yeah, of course.
I'm sorry.
It's OK.
Some courier delivered this.
Wow, that'll really cheer things up.
Uh, put it on the, uh Shrine? Yeah, I suppose it is.
You no longer have to handmaiden.
Hel's passing has released you from that.
Not that you were ever meant to be her handmaiden.
I don't know what else to do.
Meat, anyone? Are you checking out the emos? They seem distraught.
And vulnerable.
No.
Too soon? Dawn.
You're still here.
Yeah, kind of a lot to do.
I've put everything that needs signing on your desk.
There's some stuff there you need to read.
I'll get right to it.
Good work.
You should go home now.
That was my plan.
Did you hear about Anders' brother? Which one? Ty.
His wife died.
Oh my Lord, that's terrible.
What was her name? Eva.
Eva, right.
I only really knew her in passing.
Did you send a card? No.
I'll do it tomorrow.
Poor Ty.
He really does have the worst luck with women.
Mm.
Well, goodnight, then.
Night, Dawn.
I might take you up on that something stronger.
This might sound crass, but there's only so much Eva music a man can take.
I hear you.
You are telling us everything here, right? How do you mean? About Eva.
It just is what it is, Mike, a totally fucked-up situation.
- It must be a family trait.
- Gods among men.
Gods among men, brother.
Bloody Johnsons.
Screwed up, the lot of them.
I blame their mother.
How are you doing? I'm overwhelmed with good intentions.
I'm eating curry things courtesy of Ingrid if you'd like one.
I'll pass, thank you.
And emos - very difficult to get rid of once you let them in.
And fear - I have a lot of fear.
Why? You did nothing.
That's a very relative term, and you know it.
Have you spoken to the police again? No, and that is one of my fears.
Well, don't, because I know exactly how this will play out.
Oh, good.
As far as the police will be concerned, she died intoxicated, passed out and exposed to the cold for a prolonged and lethal amount of time.
Eventually, the death will be classified as either self-inflicted or by misadventure and a nice police officer will be dispatched to tell you as much.
I can't face a funeral.
Oh, it won't be that bad.
You'll look good in a black suit.
And your brothers will be incredibly supportive.
Nothing like a good funeral to bring the family together.
And you will be proud and strong and play your part impeccably.
There'll be a wake at Mike's little bar, I'm sure and that'll be that.
You'll be free to get on with the rest of your life.
Ty, we've done the right thing.
And what's done is done, right? I'd like to be at the funeral for you.
But I understand if you don't want me there.
I don't want you anywhere near it.
You sure you don't want me to come in? Go.
I just want to sleep.
I can stay if you want.
Go back to the wake before Eva's disciples turn feral.
Axl will keep them in order.
For fuck's sake, Mike, I've had enough hugging and commiserating and Ingrid's offers of healing sex for one day.
Sleep is what I crave.
OK.
I'll go, then.
Thank you.
And thank you in the broader sense.
No worries.
Catch you tomorrow.
She's ba-aaack! You didn't think I'd allow my daughter to have a poxy Christian funeral, did you? But we buried her.
You buried a coffin of sand.
Loki's daughter will have a Norse funeral.
She will be farewelled by fire.
And until that time, she will stay here.
And if you truly loved my daughter, if you are an honourable god, then you will give serious thought to joining her in death's cleansing embrace.
Man, I have carried Eva home wasted a few times, and I thought the coffin felt way too heavy when I was pall-bearing.
I had to help Colin steal her body from the funeral home.
That's disgusting.
It wasn't my idea of a good time.
Sorry, but your boyfriend's a lunatic.
Well, he is Loki.
It does go with the territory.
Yeah, why are you hooked up with him in the first place? You mean after you bitches abandoned me? I did what I'm good at.
I fucked and formed an alliance.
Oi, you and you, either get naked and amusing or take the ugly train out of my house! And YOU just get naked.
Whoa, that's pretty out there.
Oh, gee, you think? With my dead and supposedly buried wife lying in my house? And what's this shit about death's embrace? Death's CLEANSING embrace.
Hey! What's the difference, Grandpa? OK, for example, in the stories, which other people call myths, when we were back in Asgard, Baldr's wife, like a thousand times before me, Nanna, threw herself on his funeral pyre.
To prove her love for him.
Exactly.
And then it kinda caught on in Viking times to the point where if they couldn't find anyone willing, they'd just throw some servant on.
OK, but that was way back.
True, I'm unaware of any cases of this since we moved to NZ.
But then again, I am unaware of many things.
No, it's insane.
No way is Ty here throwing himself on a funeral pyre.
Amen to that.
Can I get a nightcap? No.
I'm OK.
Do we know why Colin is trying to bring back this tradition in your case? Apart from the fact that he's a wanker.
He thinks I killed her.
And did you? No.
No? No! But someone who cares did.
I was there when she died.
It was remarkable.
What do you mean remarkable? It just was.
OK, just leave it, Mike.
Leave it be.
Thanks for keeping me in the loop, Mike.
Love your work.
Yeah, OK.
Sure.
Yeah.
Bye.
Odin out.
Did I just hear that Eva is not dead? She is dead.
She's just not buried.
What does that mean? There, so I find out, is going to be a Norse god funeral.
Ooh, ooh.
I'll come.
No.
Why not? Because you're not a god, you're not a wolf, and they throw people on the funeral pyre at Norse god funerals.
OK, I'll give it a miss.
But can you take some pictures on your phone for me? Why do I feel like I'm always the last one to find out these things? It pisses me off.
I AM Odin, you know.
When you figure out how to BE Odin, you'll be first to know everything.
I SHOULD be the first one to know.
And one day you will, for sure.
Don't forget to take photos.
Mike, hi.
Hi, Dawn.
It was a lovely funeral.
Yeah, if you're into that sort of thing.
I just hope it wasn't weird for Ty, me being there.
I sat at the back.
No, no, it was it was all good.
Good.
OK.
Mike Johnson.
Hello.
Sorry I couldn't be there yesterday.
Your absence was duly noted.
Dawn, could you get me a chai tea and yourself a flat white? Yeah, sure.
Mike, would you like anything? No, thank you.
What was it - some kind of fucked-up god war you've got going with Loki? No idea what you're talking about.
When you killed his daughter.
Still no idea.
Don't play games with me.
Oh, you must love saying that, Ullr.
You know the bitch would kill him eventually, but you didn't have the balls to do anything, so I did.
Oh, aren't you the good Samaritan.
I stood up for Ty in a way you never did.
Don't you dare make this about him.
You sided with your father.
Ty stood by me.
He was right, you were wrong, and you know it.
You stay away from my family.
YOUR family? Yeah, I inherited them.
Oh, you're a coward, Mike.
Get your hands dirty before you come pontificating to me about family.
As you wish, Mother.
Mike's waiting for us in the car to whisk us to this thing.
Is she still here? Or do we have to take her with us or? Colin came and collected her at dawn.
Dawn's here? No, not that Dawn.
AT dawn.
I was going to say, I know you're a widower, but that's quick.
Are you drunk? I'm still drunk from last night.
I thought you were reborn every morning.
Somehow alcohol gets through.
Strictly speaking, what you have here is foetal alcohol syndrome.
Can I ask you a question? Is it a serious oracle question? Yeah.
I sensed it would be.
No guarantees on the answer.
When Eva died, I saw something.
I saw something rise out of her body.
Oh.
That was Hel's spirit leaving the mortal body and returning to the universe.
It was beautiful.
Yeah.
Yes, it is.
You've seen it? Your grandmother.
Would that happen to me if I joined Eva on the funeral pyre? Yes.
Your spirit would voyage to the home of the gods.
But it wouldn't be beautiful, because your human form would be screaming in flaming agony.
But I wouldn't be a god any more? No, you'd be a screaming ball of flame and then eventually ash.
And then we'd have to take you home in a jar.
Not beautiful.
And Mike's waiting.
No.
No way.
I'm not saying it's compulsory, just expected.
I am not throwing myself on a bonfire for that bitch.
But you were her handmaiden.
No, I am Frigg's handmaiden.
I was temping.
That's a very fine distinction there, Stacey.
Your boyfriend doesn't expect me to do this, right? I have no idea.
I haven't seen him all day.
Can we get this show on the road? I'm freezing.
It's the Colin show.
We go when he's here.
Ta.
Should you really be drinking at a god funeral? Anything goes at a god funeral.
In fact, this is all unbelievably well behaved.
Then can I have some? Except Odin.
He has to stay sober.
You're making that up.
You good? Remember, flaming agony, jar of ash.
I'm sure there's a fire ban here at this time of year.
Colin owns the land.
Mum alert.
OK, that's an outfit and a half.
So it's a god funeral with a sci-fi theme.
Goddess Hel, denizen of Niflheim, the Abode of Mist, the realm of cold.
Riso raknar, rann Alfraudull, nordr at Niflheim niola sotti.
The goddess Hel, ruler of nine worlds, Hel who provides lodgings for those who die, I am your father, the god Loki.
I return you to your home that sits in the underworld, the hall Eljudnir.
You are both death's embrace and in death's embrace.
This was not meant to be your fate.
This circle of gods is weak.
It is infected, and it needs healing.
You will not dine alone in Eljudnir.
Someone will lodge with you, daughter.
I ask for you.
Who here will bring honour on their self by embracing the goddess Hel in sweet, cleansing death? No! This cowardly world will remember the strength of your name, for you are Hel.
What are you doing? Nothing.
You'll keep.