The Boondocks s02e04 Episode Script

NARRATOR: If y'all was paying attention last season, y'all know what a nigga moment is.
A nigga moment is when the mind of a perfectly logical black man is overwhelmed by some stupid nigga shit.
Like when a nigga steps up on your sneaker and fucks up your kicks, or hits your car or some shit.
And the nigga get mad like it's your fault, like you fucked up.
So his ignorance makes you act crazy.
And the next thing you know, niggas is beefing, shooting, fighting, and somebody ends up dead.
But yo, not even death can stop a nigga moment.
[?.]
DEVIL: He was the baddest motherfucker that hell had ever seen.
Colonel motherfucking Stinkmeaner, holler at your boy, I gets money.
He trained like a beast.
Y'all gonna have to kick me out of this bitch.
I'm having the time of my life.
He was so bad, he even called me, the devil himself, a- Bitch-ass nigga! This is how you break your foot off in a motherfucker's ass.
Hyah! Hyah! [DEMONIC SCREAM.]
Ah! You baldheaded devil monks are trying to swarm on a nigga, huh? You just got a two-piece combo and biscuit, ho.
? I got three-stick nunchucks? [WHOOPING.]
Gotcha, nigga.
[BLOWS LANDING.]
I see ya.
I feel it.
Stinkmeaner, your heart of darkness has earned you a trip back.
You have my blessings to exact vengeance on the Freeman family and to spread ignorance and chaos in the black community.
They will be no match for you.
[DEVIL LAUGHING.]
STINKMEANER: Ah! Hell ain't shit.
I'm gonna get you, Freeman! I am the stone The builder refused I am the visual The inspiration That made lady Sing the blues I'm the spark That makes your idea bright The same spark That lights the dark So that you can know Left from right I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun The inner glow That lets you know To call your brother sun The story that just begun The promise Of what's to come And I'm 'a remain a soldier Till the war is won Won Chop, chop, chop Judo flip Chop, chop, chop Judo flip Chop, chop, chop Judo flip Chop, chop, chop [?.]
[KEYS CLICKING.]
Mm-hm.
Mm! Wow, so she's on my friends list? Yup, she your very first cyber friend and you're her 3 millionth.
GRANDDAD: Yeah, boy! I love technology.
HUEY: My granddad recently discovered online dating.
You should post more pics.
Ho's love pictures, Granddad.
I'm starting to feel like Shemar Moore up in here.
Hoo! Boy, let's get some music on.
Turn on the My-pod and let's get on the I-space.
[CAMERA CLICKING.]
[?.]
RILEY: Hey, which outfit you want next, Granddad? The leather vest.
The one with the rhinestones.
[GROANS.]
[CLICKS.]
Granddad, I [CAMERA CLICKS.]
I can come back.
Boy, get over here and take this picture.
Now, what's wrong with you? Why the long face? I had a bad dream about Talk and shoot at the same time, boy.
RILEY: Granddad, you want "Beat It" or "Thriller"? Mmm, that's a tough one.
Take 'em back and go get my purple Speedo.
RILEY: Purple Speedo? That's gay.
All right, boy, so you had a bad dream.
It was a really bad dream about RILEY: I don't see the purple one.
Did you check the Speedo drawer? Go ahead, boy.
Bad dream and? It was about Stinkmeaner.
Leopard print's all I could find.
GRANDDAD: Oh, man.
[BOTH GROANING.]
Damn, these things are tight.
What about Stinkmeaner? He was in hell, and he was coming back to get us.
Stinkmeaner? Don't be crazy.
That old man that Granddad killed for no reason? No reason? That man was a psycho.
He almost killed your granddaddy.
He was blind.
You killed a blind old man.
Colonel Stinkmeaner was a menace.
And I sent him to hell where he belongs.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, Granddad, real tough with the handicapped.
He probably gonna beat up some retarded kids next.
This retarded man gonna whup your ass, that's what he's gonna do.
Wait- You know what I meant! What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, your dream.
Look, boy, Stinkmeaner ain't coming back.
He can't hurt you or me or any of us, okay? Now, let's get one more picture.
[GROANING.]
HUEY: Some people are scared of zombies or vampires, but the thing that scare black people the most are niggas and nigga moments.
[HUMMING.]
Tom DuBois was as far from a nigga as a black man could be.
But Stinkmeaner knew that every black man's spirit is weakened during a nigga moment.
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING.]
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
What the-?! Oh, come on, you n- Nincompoop.
You can't do that! Hey, come on.
Nigga moments can happen to any black man at any time.
Hey, I- That was my space.
I had my blinker on and everything.
Fuck you, punk-ass, bougie-ass, hook-ass nigga! I'll beat your motherfucking ass, nigga! Don't never in your life ever try to holler at me.
Fuck with me, nigga, and I'll be popping a trunk on your bitch ass, nigga.
Get my motherfucking Uzi.
[GIBBERING.]
[STINKMEANER'S VOICE.]
What did you say, nigga?! You know what, motherfucker? Eat a dick, nigga.
I'm tired of this mo [YELLING.]
[YELLING.]
Oh, yeah, look at ya.
You was popping all that good shit a second ago.
Then you got kicked in your chest.
You eat a dick, nigga, you eat a dick! [GRUNTING.]
[PANTING.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh- Oh, my God.
Sir, are you okay? Who did this to you? What-? What did he look like? Did- Did anyone see who accosted this man? I got a date? I can't believe it.
Of course you got a date, Granddad.
Everything on your page is a lie.
No, it is not.
Granddad, you don't skydive, you're not Brazilian, and you never was a member of G-Unit.
Mind your damn business.
And she probably a man.
Shut up.
MAN: So, Mrs.
Wong, there you were not carjacking Mr.
Teskinelli, beating him senseless with a nine iron, stealing his wallet and driving his car into the hosiery section of the JCPenney? Correct.
I have no further questions.
Now, Mrs.
Wong, let me ask you a question.
[GRUNTS.]
[STINKMEANER'S VOICE.]
What's good, nigga? [ALL GASP.]
Ahhh! [NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh, my God.
Excuse me, Mr.
DuBois? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Ahem.
Well, I-I said, um [GRUNTS.]
[STINKMEANER'S VOICE.]
What's really good? [ALL LAUGH.]
[GAVEL BANGS.]
JUDGE: Is there something really good you'd like to share with the court, Mr.
DuBois? [GIBBERING.]
Fuck your court, nigga! [COURT GASPS.]
Mr.
DuBois! Fuck your court, nigga! Fuck your court! [COURT GASPS.]
Lady Liberty's got balls! [WHIMPERING.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh, no.
What's good, nigga?! [WHIMPERING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[?.]
HUEY: Meanwhile, I couldn't shake the feeling that an evil force was gathering.
I must be crazy.
MAN: Nah, you ain't crazy.
Stinkmeaner's coming back.
But Stinkmeaner died.
What you gonna tell me, ghosts don't exist? Then what the fuck do I look like? Ghostface Killah isn't even dead.
Now, you say what you want, that goofy-looking motherfucker is coming back.
Your granddad's nigga moment ain't dead yet.
But what am I supposed to do? If death can't stop Stinkmeaner, what can? Think about it.
Peace.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER.]
[HUMMING.]
Look, Granddad, I'm really worried about Watch it, boy, don't step on my roses.
Then why you putting them on the floor? But, anyway, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I really think Stinkmeaner's Oh, hush, boy, I ain't got time for that.
Now, it's date night and you know the rules.
You get in that room.
I don't care if you hear scream and feel the house shake like a earthquake.
You don't leave.
Now, git! [?.]
Honey, I'm home.
Hey, honey.
[STINKMEANER'S VOICE.]
Oh, yeah! I think I wanna have sexual relations.
Tom, what's gotten into you? Same thing that's about to get into you.
[GIGGLING.]
Oh, Tom! STINKMEANER: Oh, yeah! I'm gonna make it do what it do.
SARAH: Oh, Tom! [HUMMING.]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER.]
Under your praised eyelid She came to her senses And she started to Well, I'm in the studio with Snoop Doggy Dogg and Tha Pound tonight.
In shades of rose [TOILET FLUSHES.]
But how about, uh, tomorrow, cutie pie? Semicolon, right parenthesis.
Mm.
STINKMEANER: Ha! [YELLS.]
What the-? [STINKMEANER YELLING.]
Who's out there? Boys! Boys, help me.
I'm back, nigga! Oh, what the-? Oh, my Lord! [SCREAMING.]
GRANDDAD: What the fuck's wrong with you?! Tom, just don't try to hurt me! Oh, Lordy Lord.
What the hell?! Tom, what's going on? Tom, go away! I'm gonna call the police.
Did you hear that? Man, I can't hear nothing over Granddad's gay-ass music.
[STINKMEANER YELLING.]
Look out, new message.
Ah, man.
It's an old dude with his shirt off.
Wait, that's Granddad.
Ooh, he in the bathroom.
Probably just ran out of toiler paper again.
I ain't getting it for him neither.
Nope.
Why would he send a message from-? Hey! What the hell? Tom, what's going on? [YELLS.]
Oh, my goodness, the man is crazy.
STINKMEANER: Oh, you running? What's going on? Oh, help me, son.
Help me, help me.
Come on.
Oh, my goodness, some black people are crazy.
Oh, yeah! Here comes the pain.
Oh! Ahhh! [SCREAMING.]
Goodness gracious to life.
Tom, what's wrong with you? You on that stuff? Snap out of it, Tom.
Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
You don't remember me? You don't remember my name? [YELLS.]
What's my name, nigga? [GRANDDAD YELLS.]
"Ahhh" ain't my name.
My mama didn't name "Ahhh.
" What's my name, nigga? What's my name?! HUEY: Stinkmeaner.
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
That's right, nigga.
Mr.
DuBois? I don't know how you got here, Stinkmeaner, but you're going back to hell.
Oh, yeah! I'm going back.
And I'm taking y'all with me in the first-class cabin on the ass-whupping express.
All aboard.
Whoo-whoo! [RAP MUSIC PLAYING.]
[STINKMEANER LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
You ain't too nigga to get that ass whupped.
Uh-huh.
[GROWLING.]
Bring it on, Huey.
STINKMEANER: Whoo, come on.
Come on, braids.
STINKMEANER: All right, here we go.
Is that all you got? [LAUGHING.]
Get a bar.
Get your bars up, nigga.
[STINKMEANER YELLS.]
[GRUNTS.]
GRANDDAD: Yeah! STINKMEANER: Whoa! Yeah, I got you now.
Get off me, you bitch ass, you faggot ass! GRANDDAD: Not the lamp.
No.
Damn it, boy.
You know how much that lamp cost? STINKMEANER: I'm a-kill you.
You beat me in the parking lot.
GRANDDAD: Not the vase.
No! STINKMEANER: I want my parking space.
Boy, not the geisha.
It's- It's a collectable.
[STINKMEANER YELLS.]
[GROANING.]
RILEY: That's what you get, motherfucker.
Punching me in my stomach.
[SIGHS, WHIMPERS.]
[?.]
Why we gotta put the nigga in my bed? GRANDDAD: What the hell got into Tom? He's possessed by the ghost of Stinkmeaner.
Remember the dream I had? Boy, don't nobody listen to you.
My bed ain't the only bed up in here.
Should we take him to the doctor? What if he pees in the bed or vomit, or shoots a deuce? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, Lordy Lord, my date.
HUEY: Granddad, Tom is possessed by an evil spirit and just tried to kill us.
Lives are at stake.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Coming.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Well, hello, cutie pie.
[FOREIGN ACCENT.]
Well, hello.
[GIGGLES.]
Uh, sorry about earlier.
I was rushing, and Oh, I think men who are comfortable with their bodies are very sexy, especially men with big round bellies.
[CHUCKLES.]
Really? And I like to cook, mostly pork.
I like to clean too.
Wow.
You're not a man, are you? [LAUGHS.]
No.
[GRUNTING.]
[?.]
Robert Freeman! [STINKMEANER YELLING.]
Darling, all the women of my cultu STINKMEANER: Come here and fight like a man, you bad nigga! Who is that? I don't hear anything.
STINKMEANER: I know you hear me, Robert! I know you hear me! Ain't this a bitch.
I will not be ignored! Got a possessed nigga here, and Granddad's worried about a date.
Get off me! You got a date, Robert?! Did you tell her that you got two sets of genitals? A vagina and a coochie.
Oh, that's a conjunction.
What is going on? Oh- Oh, that? That's just the television.
Boys, turn the television down! STINKMEANER: This ain't no TV show, nigga.
This is real talk, nigga.
[WOMAN HUFFS.]
My friends warned me that there were weirdoes on MySpace.
GRANDDAD: Wait, no.
That's just the TV.
It's not the fact that you obviously have a man possessed by an evil spirit strapped to a bed upstairs.
It's not? No.
It's the fact that you lied about it.
Huh? [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
[GROWLS.]
STINKMEANER: You better leave.
MAN [OVER PHONE.]
: You've reached the national headquarters of the Catholic Church.
No one is available to take your call.
If you would like to report sexual abuse- Damn, there's got to be somebody we can call for an exorcism.
STINKMEANER: You is a bitch! [?.]
May white God bless you, Robert.
I came as fast as I could.
So this is the plan Uncle Ruckus.
RUCKUS: Let's get this party started.
STINKMEANER: ? Oh, yeah? You got bad credit, Robert! RUCKUS: Removing an evil-nigga spirit from a Negro is as hard as removing the stank from a hunk of shit.
We must use these tools that the great God has given us to fight niggas.
A whip, a noose, a nightstick, a branding iron.
These things strike fear into a nigga's heart.
A job application.
Avoid conversation with the nigga.
STINKMEANER: You ain't right, Robert.
RUCKUS: The nigga will lie.
The nigga will make excuses.
He will use words he don't really know.
If he gets really desperate, he may start to rap or dance.
STINKMEANER: You all, uh, testicles and no shaft.
Ah, yeah.
What happened to your shaft? There's powerful niggadry at work here.
[WIND WHISTLING.]
Who in the hell are you?! Nigga, my name is Reverend Father Uncle Ruckus.
No relation.
In the name of white Jesus and all great white men who have come thereafter, I command thy black nigga soul back to the depths of hell.
[STINKMEANER LAUGHING.]
Is that all you got, nigga? Oh, no, nigger.
That's just the tip of this iceberg.
Read, nigga, read! [YELLING.]
No! Whoa! Now, Robert, now.
Just hit him with anything.
Come on, everybody join in.
[WHIP CRACKS.]
Use your powerful hands.
This is gonna be funny.
Let's whup this nigga's ass.
Repeat after me the holy phrase: nigga, get your black ass outta here.
Nigga, get your black ass outta here.
RUCKUS: Yeah, take that you black cricket.
ALL: Nigga, get your black ass outta here.
Nigga, get your black ass outta here.
STINKMEANER: I'm a-join in too.
ALL: Nigga, get your black ass out of here.
Keep going! ALL: Nigga, get your black ass outta here.
This isn't an exorcism, it's a beating.
There's very little difference.
ALL: Nigga, get your black ass outta here.
Ah, you niggas ain't shit! Your mothers ain't shit.
[SIGHS.]
HUEY: Several hours later, the exorcism of Tom DuBois had made no recognizable progress.
Is the nigga still in him? As long as he's black and breathing, he's got nigga in him.
[LAUGHING.]
Ow! GHOSTFACE: What the fuck is wrong with you, Huey? You retarded? You gonna beat the man's brains in and what you gonna say to the cops? "Sorry, officer, we killed the nigga 'cause he had a evil spirit"? Ghost, it's late.
Can you just tell me what to do, so I can go to bed? I can't believe you haven't figured this shit out yet.
Peace.
STINKMEANER: You got imaginary friends? Peace? Peace? Peace.
Stinkmeaner, you hate black people, don't you? I sure do.
I mean, I hate everyone in general, but black people especially.
And- And, Ruckus, you hate black people too.
I wouldn't exactly call them people, but yeah.
Yeah, I have a deep distaste for Negroids.
Right, right.
And, Stinkmeaner, I bet you hate rap music.
If you can call that old stanky-booty gorilla noise "music.
" Heh-heh.
"Stanky-booty.
" I must say that's a brilliant observation, 'Meaner.
HUEY: I had forgotten, a nigga moment cannot be resolved through violence.
But where there's harmony and peace- What? What's happening?! No! You tricked me.
[YELLING.]
-a nigga moment cannot exist.
STINKMEANER: No! You tricked me! I'm gonna get you eventually, Robert.
You hear me, nigga?! [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[?.]
[YAWNS.]
TOM [NORMAL VOICE.]
: Hey, guys.
What are you doing here? RUCKUS: Well, another nigga successfully exorcised and/or beaten.
I'll send you an invoice, Robert.
Possessed or not, you gonna fix my damn house.
You gonna have another demon, it's gonna be my foot up your ass.
Why am I in Riley's bed? RILEY: You know, that's a real good question.
Why are you in my bed? All the beds in this house and I got the possessed nigga in my bed.
Ain't this a bitch? Some old bullshit.
[?.]