The Carmichael Show (2015) s02e04 Episode Script

1 The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Well, this is bad.
This is really, really bad.
No, it's not great.
You're sure the condom broke? Oh, yeah, I'm sure the condom broke.
But could we maybe take a second to, I don't know, celebrate this? Celebrate? Yeah, look, Maxine.
I've never broken a condom before.
It's my first time, and it's kind of a big deal for me.
And I feel, like, really strong right now.
This must be how Bruce Banner felt when he became the Incredible Hulk.
Oh, calm down.
I'm sure the condom was just expired.
So should I not buy condoms from The Dollar Store anymore? Maxine, look.
I just want you to know that whatever you decide, I'm on board, okay? It's your body, it's your choice.
I'm just here to support you.
There are no wrong answers.
And everything's going to be fine.
Yeah, I know we're going to be fine, because we're going to go to CVS and we're going to get a Plan B pill.
(sighs) You don't know how happy that makes me.
God, emergency contraception is always the answer.
You're the best girlfriend ever, Maxine.
Thank you.
Okay, let's go.
All right.
Oh, man.
You know, I don't care if they ever cure cancer, 'cause science has done enough.
They cured pregnancy, and that's a hard thing to do.
It's so amazing all we got to do is just take a pill.
We? We're not cutting the pill in half and going splitzies.
Fair enough.
It's the women's job to take the pill.
But it's the man's job to watch anxiously and then check underneath your tongue.
Okay.
Well, let's go.
All right.
I don't know, Maxine.
You sure we should go out? It's a pretty bad storm.
Like, you have to take it within the first 72 hours, and the sooner you take it the more effective it is.
Plus, I am way more scared of the storm that may be brewing in my uterus right now.
Fair enough.
I got to ask how do you know so much about Plan B? Because I'm an adult, Jerrod.
I'm an adult, too.
I broke a condom today.
(thunder booming) God.
How can CVS close at a time like this? Don't they know people are stuck out there with no food or water or Plan B pills? What the hell are y'all doing out here? I don't know if you're aware of this, but they got gale force winds out there.
Yeah, we went to CVS, but it shut down 'cause of the storm.
Yeah, tress are knocked down, entire streets are flooded.
We could barely see more than a foot ahead of us, so we had to stop here.
CYNTHIA: Joe, who are you talking to up there? Jerrod and Maxine just walked in! Don't they know about the gale force winds outside? Yeah, Mom, we know about the gale force winds outside.
Yeah, we gotta get to the basement.
Dad, what are you grabbing your gun for? Boy, you got to be prepared.
I'm I the only one that learned something from Katrina? Hey, Mom, we got some sliced green beans, uh, some cream of mushroom and some type of meat in a can.
I've seen Paula Deen do more with less.
I'm just glad that black people finally got the big picture and they let her back on television.
If somebody stopped me from cooking every time I used that word, y'all would have starved to death.
Y'all plan on being down here for a long time? Oh, yes.
We could be down here a couple of days.
For a couple days? We can't be stuck down here for a couple days.
Yeah, they can't keep the CVS closed for a couple days, right? This is America.
CVS? What's so important at CVS that couldn't wait? Okay, something's up right here.
Let's see what we got.
A couple rushing to CVS in the middle of a storm.
JERROD: Look, Bobby.
Save your energy.
Our business is our business, and you're making Maxine and I very uncomfortable right now.
Oh, so Maxine's uncomfortable.
Uh-huh.
Dad, what was the last thing you rushed to CVS for? My buddy Bernard texted me, said he saw Cam Newton at the drug store.
So I came home, threw my jersey on and grabbed my digital camera.
Head on over there, I went to the wrong CVS.
See, no, Jerrod is not into sports like that.
Yeah.
Mom, what was the last thing you rushed to CVS for? Cinnamon-flavored Trident.
But they didn't have any in stock, so I went over to the cashier and I said, "Hey, you don't have no cinnamon-flavored Trident.
What's up with that?" Well, she looked at me like there was nothing she could do to help me.
She needed an attitude adjustment.
But Jerrod wouldn't rush to no CVS for no gum.
Pregnancy test.
Maxine's pregnant.
(Cynthia shrieks) Maxine, you pregnant?! What? That's What? Oh, she pregnant paused.
She's pregnant.
That's where the term comes from.
When you ask a pregnant woman if she's pregnant, she pauses, thus pregnant pause.
Well, if you're not going to tell us, I'm going to have to take control of the situation.
I can always tell when somebody's pregnant, just by touching their stomach.
Come here, Maxine.
No, I'm good.
Mom, weren't you banned from a church for doing this? Jerrod, let your momma do her work.
You know she's got the gift.
What (stammers) (humming) (melodic vocalizing) (gasps) Maxine ain't got no vibes.
I don't get nothing.
I ain't never met nobody that had no vibes.
Look, if you must know Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you going to tell them? I was just going to tell them the truth.
Well, how are you going to say it? I don't know, I was probably going to use the whole Incredible Hulk thing.
No, no.
Let me Let me do this.
(exhales deeply) Jerrod and I had a sexual accident.
Did you pull something, son? 'Cause I told you, you got to practice like you play.
Look, look.
There is a slight possibility that Maxine could be pregnant.
I knew it! Jerrod, I hate when you make me fish for information.
You know something, it makes me not trust you.
It makes me think you don't want us to be as close as we should be, as brothers.
And that's on you.
Maxine, you're telling me I might be a grandmother.
Oh, wow! I got to sit down for this.
Grandma Cynthia.
Ooh, I know it's going to be hell getting suitable hair products for the little mixed kid.
But I don't mind, because I'm going to be taking care of a precious baby.
"Might" be pregnant.
Now, how far along are we talking? I don't know.
An hour? An hour? What kind of scare is that? People scared too easy these days.
Look, times have changed.
There's nothing scary about this.
We just have to act fast.
Oh, yes, if you're expecting, we have to act really fast.
In fact, I got my old wedding gown down here you can use it, Maxine.
Hey, Jerrod, I'm going to be your best man, right? We're not getting married, Bobby.
Look, that's fine if I'm not your best man, but don't lie to me.
Don't lie.
Okay.
Go, Jerrod.
Oh.
Now, this has been over by the water heater for what, 30 years.
Which accounts for its off-white color.
But I guess, uh, given the circumstances, it's appropriate.
Look, the thought of having to get married because of a pregnancy, that's archaic.
In fact, I kind of see the whole concept of marriage as archaic.
It was created in a time when women were viewed as property.
Now, I don't need to be given away by my father to the possession of another man just so I can take his last name.
You mean like me? Or my mother? Or her mother before her? JOE: Yeah, Maxine.
If marriage isn't so great, what have all these gay people been fighting for all these years? Are you saying that they just like to complain for the hell of it, Maxine? Are you saying, Maxine, that gay people just like to make a scene? Because if that's what you are saying, I find it incredibly insensitive.
Maxine, if you're pregnant you need to get married.
Now, Jerrod is my son and I love him dearly, but once he hears that baby crying at 3:00am, he's a flight risk.
JERROD: All right.
Everybody calm down.
Relax.
None of what you're saying matters anyway, because Maxine and I are not having a kid.
They're having an abortion.
Do something, Joe! Jerrod, don't have an abortion, you're upsetting your momma.
Hey! (gasping) Nekeisha.
Nekeisha, where did you come from? Maxine texted me.
Here.
I brought your Plan B.
Well, thank you.
I guess you missed the part where I said, "Let's keep this between us.
" Oh, I thought that meant, "Don't post it on Facebook.
" Nekeisha, you, uh, you just keep.
Plan B pills laying around your house? Oh, yeah, I'm a modern woman.
I'm like Mary Tyler Moore with braids.
You see, Cynthia, nobody is having an abortion.
I just take this pill and I will avoid pregnancy.
It's just contraception, no different than using a condom.
Well, it sounds like you're pulling a condom over your baby's face.
Ma, Ma, stop acting like we are killing a baby.
We're not.
We're killing the idea of a baby.
Man, this thing's childproof.
Kind of ironic when you think about it.
They're having a Plan B.
Joe, do something! So, this B plan, it stops anything before it gets started? Mm-hmm.
And you just buy it over the counter? Yeah.
Well, get out if here.
How much does this scientific achievement cost? Joe, who's side are you on here? It's like 40 bucks.
"40 bucks"?! Man, something that amazing should cost like $7,000.
I just don't understand how y'all can act so casual about a decision this big.
Cynthia, we're not acting casual.
We're actually doing the responsible thing.
I know you think this morning after pill is gonna solve all of your problems, but what about the morning after that when you start feeling regret? You got a pill for that, Jerrod? Yeah, Xanax, Zoloft, Paxil, uh, uh, what is that? - Abilify.
- Abilify! I got that on deck you want one? I got it I most certainly want one of them.
Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up.
Jerrod, before you do this, I got something I need to tell you, okay? (sighs) The Carmichael men got a low sperm count.
Matter of fact, we might not have a sperm count at all.
What are you talking about, Bobby? Me and Nekeisha tried to get pregnant for years, right? You know, I thought I could have a baby that would accomplish all the things I didn't.
You know, I thought, like, if Big Bobby can't do it, then Little Bobby would.
But we'll never know.
Wow, I'm sorry, Bobby.
We never even considered that.
Look, the Carmichael men can make babies.
Now, I've been referred to by several doctors as being potent.
Now, that's not a word they just throw around.
BOBBY: But look, Dad.
Maybe it skipped a generation, you know? I just don't want Jerrod to be as crushed as I was when I found out I couldn't have a baby.
Oh, Bobby, no worries about that.
I was on birth control the whole time.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?! You was on birth control the whole time we was trying to get pregnant? Yeah, to protect you.
I mean, when you look at the big picture, we were not in a situation to be having a baby.
I mean, you didn't have a job, I didn't have a job.
That's good enough reason right there.
Well, look, this is not a family vote.
This is a two-person decision.
Or in your case, one person.
Now, Bobby, I appreciate you looking out for us.
Can you open this thing? Yeah.
CYNTHIA: Jerrod? How long am I gonna have to stand around and watch you two make bad decisions? I've watched you two move in together.
Fine.
She don't want to get married.
Fine.
But we are talking about a baby here.
And I'm not fine.
Okay, uh, Mom? Mom, what are you doing? No! No, no I guess you're gonna have to come up with a plan C.
She never would've flushed it if it cost $7,000.
Mom, I'm gonna ask this politely.
What the hell did you just do? I flushed that horrible pill, so you'll do the right thing and save my grand-baby.
That I may or may not even be pregnant with? Cynthia, you can't flush away everything you disagree with.
Our pipes can't take it! Well, won't this be a delightful birth story for the child? It was a dark and stormy night, and your grandma flushed the plan B pill, so we had no choice but to have you.
Anyway, happy birthday, son.
You know, Ma? I could've just lied to you, you know? I didn't have to tell you the truth, but I did.
And then what did you do? You ran around trying to plan my wedding, and doing everything shy of naming the child.
Jeremiah.
I was gonna name him Jeremiah.
No.
Look, Cynthia, I know that you don't agree with what we're doing, but Jerrod and I discussed this before we even got here.
Yeah, we were making a decision that was right for the both of us.
Well, what if all of this happened for a reason? What if this is your last chance to have a baby? You're gonna end up like Do not say Jennifer Aniston.
Jennifer Aniston! Well, you know what, Mom? Maybe we do.
And maybe we never have kids.
That's just fine with us.
Whoa.
I'm not fine with that.
Are you fine with not having kids? I mean, I said it.
Um Clearly, this is not the place to say it.
So yeah, I guess am cool with never having kids.
Wow.
I think I'm gonna go take my chances - out in the storm.
- Maxine This has been a most unpleasant day.
Look what you did.
Me? You know, Ma, let's make a deal.
How about you don't tell me how to live my life, and I won't tell you how to live yours is that okay? If I say yes then you're telling me how to live my life.
Look it You know what? I'm out.
I'm fine.
Look, look, Maxine, Maxine, I don't want you to be mad at me, all right? And I know you think you want to have kids, but can we stop and ask a very important question? Why? What do you mean why? It's kids.
It's what people do Why wouldn't you want to have kids? I-I've only seen people have kids out of like complete arrogance or utter despair.
Either you think I'm great and there should be more of me or you look back over your life, and realize you never accomplished any of your goals, and you go, "Well, I guess I could have a human being.
" It's basically giving up.
So you think your parents gave up when they had you? No, I think my parents gave up when they had Bobby.
Then they gave up on Bobby and had me.
So, what do we do? I'm sorry.
I love you, but I am not gonna wait around and see if you're ready one day.
Maxine, I really don't want to hurt you or anything, but it would be a lie if I sat here, and didn't tell you how I really felt.
(knocking) Perfect timing.
We've already shared so many intimate moments today, why stop now? What are you two doing here? Um well, um it's been called to my attention that I may have overstepped my bounds.
And, um, I came to apologize for flushing your pill and-and say that it's your life, and I apparently have no right to tell you how to live it.
That's very good, honey.
See, rehearsing in the car paid off.
So, what's happening here? Y'all still having your little fight? Well, Jerrod doesn't want kids and I do, so that's where we're at.
Then, Maxine, don't take that pill.
You don't need Jerrod to have a baby.
His part is over.
We can raise that baby just you and me together.
We'll take him walking.
We'll sing him to sleep.
Oh, and we'll just smell that little fresh baby head.
Look, son, I know you said you don't want kids.
But do you think maybe that's 'cause you're scared? I-I just don't want my freedom inhibited.
I want to travel.
I want to see the world.
See the world? You live in America.
You got the world right here.
What? They got Chinatown in New York.
They got that Eiffel Tower in Vegas.
Shoot, we got so many Syrians running around here we don't know what to do with.
Jerrod, you need to hear this.
Life is boring.
See, you're young, you think life is too short.
No.
Life is too long.
Fill the time, go have kids.
Look, I get why kids could be amazing, but I don't think I should have them unless I really, really want them.
You know, the first time your momma, she told me she was pregnant with Bobby, I kissed her and I told her she made me the happiest man in the world.
Then I got in my truck and I cried.
Drove around for hours.
Wound up eating a bag of cereal at the cemetery.
So when you came back hours later with those flowers, were they from a grave? Well the point is, sometimes fear isn't necessarily a bad thing.
If you don't feel like crying in your truck before you're about to do something, maybe it's not worth doing.
Well, that's beautiful, Joe.
You know, it's not like I don't have my own fears about becoming a mother, and I'm sure Cynthia felt the same way.
Nope, I never felt that.
I mean, it's my baby, why would I be afraid to have him? She is trying to connect with you.
I don't understand her.
I mean, Maxine, am I a little afraid? Yeah.
But neither one of us wants kids right now, maybe that's all that matters.
I mean, who knows what the future holds? It holds kids.
I'll try really, really hard to be open.
I really will, because I don't know if I'll ever want kids, but I know I'll always want you.
Mm.
Yeah, I don't want kids today.
And being a mother is the hardest job in the world.
I don't know, it's tough, but it's not like we're on The Deadliest Catch.
Right.
Boom.
Maxine, you are a very strong, very independent woman, and I just want you to know that we're in this together.
Any way, bon appétit.
Ah, Plan B.
The breakfast of champions.
Oh, just so you know, I made that a mimosa 'cause, you know, you're not pregnant.
Can you settle a debate for us? It's why we woke up this morning.
What's up, guys? Now, you remember when Nekeisha admitted that she was on birth control when I was trying to get her pregnant.
You know, when we all were stuck in the basement.
You mean yesterday.
Are you asking me if I remember yesterday? 'Cause yeah.
Look, let me ask y'all this.
Am I entitled to sue Nekeisha for pain and suffering? We're thinking about taking this to Judge Judy 'cause she is my moral compass.
Ooh, is that the Plan B pill? Look at y'all, still going through with it, huh? Well, let me throw a scenario at you.
Have you thought about adoption? Think about it.
Uncle-daddy-bobby.
Uncle-daddy-bobby.
Let me have y'all baby.
Maxine, take the pill.
On it.