The Cleveland Show s02e04 Episode Script

[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, yeah.
I'd eat me.
This is my best Halloween costume since that time I went as Al Sharpton back in Quahog.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Trick or treat.
Take two.
Take three.
Take four.
That's enough.
Happy Halloween.
[HERBERT CACKLES.]
And then the ghost looked into the child's eyes.
[WHIMPERING.]
And he said, "Boo!" [SCREAMS.]
Ow! Bitch! Breakfast anyone? [LAUGHS.]
CLEVELAND: Hmm.
- What restaurant is that from? IHOP-because-diabetes- took-one-of-my-legs? - Ain't nothing but something to wear.
- Why are you dressed like a damn buttery flapjack? This is my Halloween costume.
It's what I'm gonna wear trick-or-treating.
Trick-or-treating? You're 14.
You're too old to be trick-or-treating.
You go out looking like that the other kids will eat you for breakfast.
- Breakfast? [BOTH LAUGH.]
But this is no laughing matter.
Grow up and get out of that costume.
You're more embarrassing than the time that solicitor came to the door.
I'm collecting money for the children's hospital.
- Is Cleveland Brown home? - Sorry, there's no one here by that name.
[PHONE RINGS.]
CLEVELAND [ON MACHINE.]
: Hey, it's Cleveland Brown.
I have a mustache and a yellow shirt and I talk like this.
Leave a message.
[MACHINE BEEPS.]
Me not speaky English.
What the Halloween? Check it out, Junior.
I'm the late baseball hall-of-famer Willie Stargell.
And Donna's Michelle Obama with Oprah's arms.
Hey.
But, Pops, you said I was too old to dress up.
You are.
And you're too young.
What? See, you're at that awkward age where dressing up is lame.
Donna and I can do it because we're adults and for all people know, these are our regular clothes.
And Rallo can do it because he's just a dumb little kid.
Ow! Bitch! Donna, the frozen peas? But what about Roberta? She's my age.
Everybody knows Halloween is just a free pass for teenage girls to dress like sluts.
They just have to call it a costume.
So who are you supposed to be? I don't know.
A ghost? Man, everybody gets to dress up but poor old Cleveland Brown Jr.
That's the breaks.
[SIGHS.]
Now, Junior, don't be sad.
You get to have fun on Halloween too.
You get to stay home and hand out candy to the trick-or-treaters.
Which is a big job for you, big boy.
What? You're leaving a fat kid alone with a bunch of candy? No way, Hervé.
I've assigned a serial number to each piece.
Junior, you'll need to get a signature from every kid that comes by so I can verify that the candy went to them and not into the old [ECHOING.]
ancient corn dog burial ground here.
[LAUGHS.]
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Okay, have fun.
- Cleveland, peas.
- Oh.
Junior, you can have these for dinner.
They're thawed and unusual-smelling.
MAN [ON TV.]
: We now return to Undercover Boss.
I never wash my hands after I go to the bathroom.
Do you? - Why would I? - Aha! You're fired.
I'm tired of these gross trouser peas.
You're right, Larry the Leopard.
Why am I eating them? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I hope it's someone with a gun who will just blow my head off.
Trick or treat.
- Gee, who are you supposed to be? - I'm Harry Potter.
I was being sarcastic.
I've only seen that cheap drugstore costume a million times tonight.
- Sorry, mister.
Our family is kind of poor.
Yeah, well, imagination doesn't cost anything but whatever.
[BEEPS.]
I'll need you to sign here.
Thumb print here.
Enjoy your damn candy.
This is crazy, Larry.
All I want is to dress up once a year and get some free candy and I can't even do that? You're right, Larry.
But don't talk with your mouth full.
I'm taking back Halloween! [GIGGLING.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
Hey, guys, look at the big gay pancake.
[CHUCKLES.]
Say, man, your mommy dress you up like that? No, she's dead.
Are you guys trick-or-treating too? [BOYS LAUGH.]
Sure we are, pancake.
- And you're about to have a side of - Let's throw eggs at him.
[BOYS GRUNTING.]
[SCREAMING.]
We can enjoy this because we're all wearing our safety belts.
[JUNIOR WHIMPERING.]
- Ha, ha.
I got a huge sack - Ha-ha-ha.
of candy.
- Oh.
You sure scored big tonight, Rallo.
But remember, you're only allowed one piece of candy a day.
I don't want you rotting your teeth out.
At least my teeth ain't got wine stains at 5 in the afternoon.
- What was that? - I said you've got a drinking problem.
Just because I enjoy - Sweet candy and Jessica Tandy! - Ha! Some jerk got his house wrecked.
I love Halloween.
Cleveland, that's our house.
In the middle of our street? That's madness.
Why would anyone do this? PUMPKIN: I saw it.
I saw it all.
It was because of Cleveland Ju [COUGHS.]
Junior.
Avenge me, Cleveland.
Are you happy, son? Does anything about my body language look like I'm happy? Just to make sure you don't miss the point of what happened here tonight, let's review.
Okay, this melon will be you.
Wouldn't it make more sense if I were the pancake? I'm gonna put the pancake on the melon, just hold on.
Okay, now give me your glasses.
- Hold this.
- Okay.
That's what happened to you tonight.
You got hit by eggs.
No, duh, I was there.
Junior, you can't dress up like a pancake at your age.
The only good thing about it is it's a break from that stupid red shirt that shows your stomach.
Roberta gets to show her stomach.
Again, that's because she's a slut.
[WAILING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Well, Mama said one piece a night.
But she didn't say how big a piece.
Really? All right.
Hey, cool.
I'm Cap'n Crunch.
Cleveland, come with me.
I wanna show you something.
If Cap'n Crunch is out there, I'm gonna flip out.
Time for me to grow up.
Goodbye, big crayon.
I had fun playing with you and pretending an evil wizard shrunk me.
Goodbye, Easy-Bake Oven.
I had fun making tiny cakes with you and pretending an evil wizard turned me into a giant.
Well, Larry, I guess this is it.
I'll never forget you.
I love you.
Shh! It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Let go, Larry.
Let go.
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
He's devastated about last night.
You have to stop him.
Stop him? Do you know how long I've waited for this day to come? You can't let your son throw away everything that defines him.
Donna, he's a teenage boy who talks to stuffed animals.
And worse, listens to them.
And then changes his opinion based on what they've told him.
[SIGHS.]
Look, I'll make this work.
Just like I made that time machine work.
- Hey, younger me.
- Hey, older me.
- Raiders are gonna win tomorrow.
- Yes.
[MIMICS CASH REGISTER.]
But think twice before using the winnings for swashbuckling lessons.
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
I'm gonna get swashbuckling lessons.
[GROANING.]
Oh, man, I cannot eat like that anymore.
It was fine when I was 4 but the old metabolism ain't what it used to be.
All right, a bonus piece of Tuffy Taffy.
Ow! My tooth.
Oh, no.
Mama was right.
My teeth are rotting out.
Oh, she's gonna kill me.
Oh, great.
Now I look like workplace predator David Letterman.
[GROWLING.]
Have sex with me.
[GROWLING.]
Now, this is starting to look like a bedroom.
You like it? I don't know.
It looks nice but it's not really me.
Oh, don't worry.
It will be as soon as we change everything about the way you look, think and act.
I don't wanna do that.
- So I guess now I do wanna do that.
- Thattaboy.
CLEVELAND: Donna, get in here.
Allow me to present, as you've never seen him before the all new Cleveland Brown Jr.
What's up? Well, this is quite a transformation.
What exactly did you two do today? Nothing.
Guy stuff.
You wouldn't get it.
Like if I said, "Boobies, 12 o'clock.
" That would just confuse you because you aren't a guy.
By the way, Dad, boobies, 12 o'clock.
Look, Junior, the big hand's on the two.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- All right, then.
I'm gonna go take a poop like a man.
Standing up.
Real.
Fourteen years ago I created a child.
- But now, I've created a son.
- I don't know, Cleveland.
Like my cousin, Ernestine, always used to say: "A frog doesn't look good in a fur coat.
" Uh-huh.
But why don't she say it anymore? She finally found one that did look good in a fur coat.
- Then she took her life.
- Hmm.
The point is, Cleveland, I'm not convinced that Junior's happy.
Well, I'm not convinced the lump on my testicle is benign but you don't see me running off to the doctor.
[GRUNTS THEN WHIMPERS.]
[JUNIOR SNIFFING.]
I miss me.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, Mama, you know what would be fun? If you put this food in a blender for me and I drank it with a straw.
Wouldn't that be fun? Oh, I want my food in a blender too.
No blenders! Everybody eat your damn food! CLEVELAND & RALLO: Shoot.
Can't eat smoothie in my own house.
Mom, I need a late curfew tonight.
Oliver Wilkerson's having a party.
Oh, a cool kids party? What are we talking, a house party? Pool party? Kegger? Rave? Toga party? Pajama jammy-jam? Pub crawl? Tea party? Reggae sunsplash? Stag party? Afterparty? Lemon party? White elephant? Sadie Hawkins? Quinceañera? - No, just a party.
- Ha-ha-ha.
I love parties.
Well, guess what, Dad? I'm gonna hit up Oliver's party too now that I'm cool and think parties are cool.
That's my boy.
When you go in the bathroom at the party just know, there will be pee everywhere.
It's not your job to clean it up.
Right, it's my pleasure.
- No.
- I mean, I'm not gonna clean it.
I'm gonna pee all over the place.
Donna, may I pee all over our bathroom? No.
- In the yard? - lf you finish your vegetables.
Well, boys, guess whose son is out partying with the most popular and most sexually active kid at Stoolbend High? - Junior's hanging out with Roberta? - No, Oliver Wilkerson.
Wow, not too, uh Not too shaggy there.
The Junior's hanging out with the cool kids.
I hung out with the cool kids last week.
Bought them beer.
Tried to drink with them.
Told me to get lost.
Asked them to pay me back for the booze.
Kicked my ass.
Called their school.
Got them banned from the eighth grade formal.
Who's the cool kid now? Uh, you.
I'm gonna head over to that party and see my boy in action.
Gus, can I have the rest of this to go? Sure thing, favorite patron of mine.
Thanks, Gus.
[GURGLING.]
Oh, I gotta hide this tooth somewhere Mama will never find it.
Under the pillow.
Oh, I'm far too fretful to fall asleep.
May as well call into Sports Chat.
DWAYNE [OVER PHONE.]
: Hello, caller.
Welcome to Sports Chat.
I'm Dwayne Meighan, host of Sports Chat and you are caller.
Don't try to listen to yourself on the radio while we're on the phone because there was all sort of problems with this.
Be this understood, go ahead, caller.
Thank you for calling.
I'm Dwayne Meighan and you're on Sports Chat.
Now you say.
Hello? Am I on the air? DWAYNE: Caller, you are on the air.
You are not trying to listen to yourself, were you? - No.
DWAYNE: Go ahead, caller.
I'm Dwayne Meighan.
Now you say.
Uh, yeah.
How about the Yankees? Jeter, A-Rod, all those guys [RALLO ECHOING OVER PHONE.]
[FEEDBACK OVER PHONE.]
DWAYNE: I'm sorry, caller.
I miss what you had said on account of I couldn't resist turning on my radio here at the station.
Hmm.
Talking baseball.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
There's my party boy.
Lots of righteous babes here, eh, dude? With their nipples and whatnot.
You're gay, gay pancake.
Here, how about a drink? [ALL LAUGH.]
Okay, my turn.
[ALL LAUGH.]
So you just stood there and watched? You didn't stop those boys? Oh, yeah, Donna, the gay pancake needs his daddy to save him.
That would've looked real cool.
Man, what a party.
It was sick.
I hung out with my new friends, had some drinks, some laughs and I definitely was not duct-taped to a male mannequin and put up on the roof and laughed at by helicopter police.
He's covering.
That did happen.
I should've changed him better.
Cleveland, you can't force a sweet, round peg like Junior into a stupid, beer-chugging, sports-Ioving square hole.
Girl, you did not just tell me how to raise my children.
That child has stamped out everything that makes him unique, and for what? All for the approval of a couple of bullies and his father.
You're right.
What have I done to my boy? I've ruined him just like I ruined David Carradine's funeral.
David Carradine brought pleasure to millions but none more so than himself.
[SNICKERING THEN CLEARS THROAT.]
When David had a particularly meaty part he would roll up his sleeves and milk it for all it was worth.
[SNICKERING THEN CLEARS THROAT.]
MINISTER: But David was at his best when he was just hanging around spurting enthusiastically to friends till he was blue in the face.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm sorry.
No, it's okay.
Stand up.
Stand up, would you? Go ahead.
David would have wanted you to laugh.
The guy died of autoerotic asphyxiation, for God's sake.
You can die from that? [SOBBING.]
What up, bro? Junior, there's someone here who wants to see you.
Larry, you're alive! No, he's not.
He's a stuffed animal.
But I went and dug him out of a dumpster wrung out the garbage juice, rubbed him down with a Bounce sheet because I want you to be who you really are.
We're going out.
We're making our own Halloween.
Hey, you got a coconuts in your head? Everyone's gonna pick on me even worse if I'm the only one in costume.
Who said you'd be the only one? - I'm toast.
- I'm honey.
I'm Angela Lansbury's left breast.
- Fried egg.
- And I'm bacon.
And together ALL: We're all part of this balanced breakfast! Wow, how did you get those costumes so fast? I had them at home.
Kendra and I do a little role-playing.
It gets her hot when I dress up as big food.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Hello? - Can the toast make out with the bacon? Huh? [LESTER SCREAMING.]
[NIN'S "CLOSER" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
[SINGING.]
You let me violate you You let me desecrate you Dude, there's some kind of performance artists in your front yard.
- What? Trick or treat, bitches.
Aah! The world is dark and quiet.
Eggkake! [BOYS GROANING.]
Coach Cleveland? Hey, Oliver, don't forget about practice tomorrow.
Okay, coach.
See you there.
Thanks, Dad.
I'm gonna remember this Halloween forever.
I'm glad you had fun, Junior because God only knows what they're gonna do to you at school tomorrow.
I can't really protect you from that.
[RALLO SNORING.]
[YAWNS.]
[GASPS THEN SCREAMS.]
Rallo, what is it? Mama, I ate a bunch of candy and I lost my tooth just like you said.
And now my tooth turned into a quarter.
And the world is scary and my young mind is so confused.
[SCREAMS.]
Oh, baby, I know you lost a tooth.
Don't worry.
The tooth fairy took it and brought you that quarter.
The tooth fairy? Who's that? Rallo, he's a fairy who comes into your room while you're sleeping, takes your tooth, leaves money.
And what is in it for this gentleman? I guess he likes baby teeth.
Whoa, I reckon it don't get any weirder than that.
[LESTER SCREAMS.]
I forgot the safe word.