The Comeback (2005) s02e04 Episode Script

Yeah, won't be home for dinner again.
Yeah.
Well, Mark, I wasn't expecting it to go this late, though.
No.
You know, it's not sitcom hours.
It's more unpredictable now.
If these hours keep up, I'm gonna need a better chair.
I've got one with the lumbar support thing and a cup holder, $400, but worth it.
Mark, I'd better hang up, so I can actually get home.
Hi, Ron.
Didn't hear your chair.
So quiet.
Well, today was a great day.
Yeah, I thought so.
So glad you did too.
So I wanted to discuss some changes coming up in the script which will be affecting scheduling and And other things.
Sure, yeah.
Sure.
Unfortunately, the Mallory-at-home scenes We're losing them.
Why? Did Did Paulie G.
Say why? Not a creative decision.
It's the budget.
They cut $100,000.
Okay.
Just You know, 'cause It's just that, you know There's a whole other side of my character, you know, that's lost, right.
And, you know, just won't get fleshed out.
I'm cutting the fat, and her house location, with only six episodes, is impossible to amortize.
Six? I was hoping to get 26.
Twenty-six? This isn't The Rockford Files.
No, it isn't.
I don't make this budget.
I just have to live with it.
Okay.
Okay.
That's a big loss.
For just, you know, worried about the show, you know.
'Cause I just want Paulie's vision to get realized.
You know? Characters won't get fleshed out like he wanted, so He must be so mad.
Yeah, that's too bad.
Wonder if they thought of absolutely everything, 'cause money guys don't think creatively.
Right, just I'm going to Wait a second.
Hey, Ron? Ron? Ron! Just a quick Hey.
Have you thought of absolutely everything? Val! Had to, Mark.
Had to.
If I hadn't offered up our house, all the Mallory home stuff would go.
- So what? - So what? So what? Then all the audience would see of me is that I'm this screaming sitcom star driving him to drugs.
You know? The home stuff gives me an inner life, makes me more sympathetic.
Well, I thought the character wasn't you.
It's not.
It's Mallory.
It's not, but got to keep her likeable, you know.
And the home stuff did that.
The drinking alone, the crying in the tub, you know? Finding a stray cat and it scratches her Need it, need it.
Mitch would have no place to stalk me.
That's half my arc.
So, what, the whole crew is gonna move in here? Not move in.
Not move in.
Just visit, you know, for a day or two.
A day or two? Per episode.
- See, I - There's only six.
There's only six.
That's nothing, Mark.
Six.
You know.
And Seth Rogen will be shooting here.
He's gonna be here? Seth Rogen is gonna be in our house? - That's cool.
- See? Why don't I ever start with that? Six episodes.
Won't even be in your way.
- Yeah, well - Excuse me.
I'm in his way.
Well, it's a big shooting day at the Cherish-Berman house.
- Valerie? - Yeah? Right here.
I can't get to the Nespresso pods.
- I need my coffee, Val.
- I know.
Well, you know what? You can pull the tape off, Mark.
That's all right.
- It's not a crime scene.
You can touch it.
- Excuse me.
He gets so grumpy when he doesn't have his coffee in the morning.
There's - Look at this.
- Okay.
I'll do it.
Look.
Okay? Look at that.
Did that just Is the paint peeling off? Is that what's going on? Don't worry.
Production will have to pay for it, you know.
Just Okay.
Here, can't worry about it.
- Jesus.
- Can't worry about it.
You know? Got a big day today.
I'm going to the Groundlings.
That new coffee place on San Vicente? No.
An adorable civilian.
A coffee place.
No, it's a very famous improv company, Mark, all right? And I'm taking a class, so I can learn me some improv-ing.
Want to go toe-to-toe with Seth.
Seth Rogen.
Where's the machine? Well There it is.
Look.
It's right up there.
It's way up there.
So.
Here comes Esperanza, okay? So, she'll help you.
Morning, dear.
Hi, doll.
Can you help Mr.
Mark, please, get all the stuff that he needs and put it all in the laundry room or garage? - Val? - Okay? So, it's convenient.
Yeah.
Got to go.
I've got to go.
Late.
- Miss Val? - Yeah? Okay.
I see.
Thank you for that.
You don't have to see that.
Look at that.
Mirror, mirror, in my hall.
- What's this for? - Mallory's bedroom.
No, no, that's not my taste at all.
But you're Valerie.
That's right! Yeah, no, it's not me, my character.
- Thank you.
- Go, go, go.
There's another way that Mallory and I are different.
Mallory likes to watch herself during sex.
Great! Climb those ladders, guys.
Great.
Good! Great, climbing the ladder! Good.
Ignore the camera, guys.
Ignore the cameras! They're my Not me, though.
Right? Good! Great! Climb the ladder! Don't think, guys! Don't think! Let your body go with the flow of my suggestions! That's good.
Okay, now, we're sewing, everybody.
- Sewing.
Good.
- Just all of a sudden? Okay.
Sew.
Everybody sew.
Great.
And now the sewing turns into a lasso.
So swing that rope.
Right.
Swing that rope.
Great.
Come on.
Good! Good! Get into it! Yeah! Looking good! And now you're chopping meat! Chopping meat! Hope it's not the cow I just lassoed.
It was a baby.
- Okay.
- Great, everybody! Okay.
Thank you.
Excellent work.
Okay.
- I - That's great.
- I think we're all warmed up - Yeah.
so I'd like to start with a round of scenes.
Okay? - So who would like to go first? - I will.
- Okay, great! - Yeah, Valerie Cherish.
- Right, you said that.
- Right.
- Okay, good.
- I just don't want I just, you know, don't want the others to feel intimidated, you know? Just 'cause I'm an actress and, you know I'm a professional.
Even though not at this, I'm not, you know.
But I wanna make them feel comfortable, you know.
So don't worry.
I'm at your level.
- Okay, great.
- Yeah.
- What's your name? - Schaemus.
- Schaemus.
- That's funny already.
- Isn't it? - It is.
Okay.
So let's start with you two, and everyone else down! Okay.
Sure.
Thank you.
Okay, great.
So I'm gonna give you two occupations, and then I want you guys just to jump in and go for it.
- Right.
- Okay, great.
So, Schaemus, let's give you candy maker.
- That's good.
- Okay.
And Valerie? A miner.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Just one question.
Is it minor like under 21, or miner like coal-miner miner? You show me.
- I will show you.
- Okay! - Okay.
- Okay, let's give them some love and applause! Okay.
Thank you.
I chose coal miner.
- Valerie.
- Yeah.
- Stay in the scene.
- Yes.
Don't Don't tell me what you're going to do.
- Show me what you're gonna do.
- Show it.
- Yeah! - Okay.
Do you want to go first? Don't whisper.
Just stay in the scene.
Right.
Yeah.
I am.
I hope the miners enjoy this taffy I've prepared.
Well, I don't know what kind of candy you're making, but I'm a coal miner.
- It's taffy.
- For a fireplace.
Now what? Valerie, don't tell me what you're doing.
Show me! No, I know, but we both spoke at the same time.
So, now what? You forgot the doves! There's nothing to pull out of this hat! Bad news.
I also forgot my pants.
Okay, great! Great, guys! Very good! Okay, let's take 15 and meet back here! Fifteen? Yeah.
All right, that was fun.
That was so fun.
See where Mickey is, where Mickey got to.
There he is.
Mickey, I don't know when you left.
Did you see the improv where I was the home Homeless improv.
I played a hobo with a funny voice, carrying a big stick.
Right, right.
- He's on the phone.
- Thank you very much.
Sorry I missed that one, Red.
That's all right.
Such a shame, though, 'cause I think you would have gotten a big kick out of it, you know.
And then, Jane, you would have had someone to cut to, you know, just to show that I'm, you know, really good at improvs.
Well.
Didn't wanna miss a thing, but I really had to take this call from The Island Of Dr.
Moreau clinic with my test results.
Okay.
Test? Did the rabbit die? Well, they think they might have possibly found some form of cancer.
Aunt Val, can I do one? - What? Do what? - Improv.
Yeah.
That's what I did.
Yeah.
- This is the pickax.
- Right.
I'm having a conversation with Mickey right now, so - Where did you get those chips? - Over there.
Why don't you bring some for Mickey? - Yeah.
Thank you.
- And a water.
Yeah.
So, is everything Is everything okay? I'm fine! You know me, Red.
I've had so many skin cancers removed, I count it as major weight loss.
Okay.
That's good.
- Okay.
Good.
Yeah.
- Don't give it a second thought.
- Okay.
I won't.
- I'm strong, like bull.
Now that's a good accent.
You know, maybe you should be a Groundling, or you should be up on that stage instead of me.
- Not as fast as you.
- Right? - Well - Food.
- Yeah.
Why don't you eat? - Thank you.
- That's good.
- My blood sugar.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay, yell out an occupation for Valerie.
- Bartender! - I heard bartender! Great.
Bartender.
Okay, and one for Rick? - Househusband! - Househusband.
Okay, so a bartender and a househusband.
Let's give them some applause! Boy, do I need a drink.
I don't work anymore, so sometimes an afternoon drink just hits the spot.
Well, only two reasons to be out of work, bad economy or cancer.
Do you have cancer? Okay, guys, let's hold it there for a second.
Okay? - Yeah.
- There are some topics that we find that just don't play funny.
Right? Nothing's off limits, but things like cancer, they're just really hard and tricky to make funny.
- Right? - 'Cause they're not funny.
- Not funny, exactly.
- Okay.
All right.
Let's try two new professions.
- Good.
Good.
Okay, so, Valerie? - All right.
Yeah.
New mom.
And, Rick, for you, baker.
Baker's good.
- Let's give them applause! - Okay.
I'm baking this cake for me today for a change.
It's my birthday.
Well, what sign are you? Cancer? My bad.
My bad.
Okay.
Let's pick a different sign.
What's the one with the crab? - Cancer.
- Okay.
- Did it again.
Just keep saying it.
- Just stay with it.
Okay.
I asked a question too.
That's the big problem.
And I just dropped my baby.
Okay.
Stay in the scene.
Look, there he is.
Seth Rogen's in our house.
Ready, ready.
Okay, we're ready.
Now, what are they doing? Just some last-minute tweaks to the shot.
You know, lighting, sound Just to make sure it's just right.
Shayna? All right, there are too many people in this hallway near the monitors.
- Lf you don't need to be here, leave! - Yeah, let's go.
That's my cue to go to craft service.
Yeah.
Okay.
- Let's go.
- Did she mean us? - Yes.
She does.
- That's rude.
Our house.
Welcome to my world, huh? And this thing.
Is this really necessary? I mean, it's one step.
I know they've got to carry a bunch of heavy stuff, but do they really need this ramp? Well Hi, Ron.
So glad you made it to location.
- Didn't know you'd be here.
- Excuse me.
- Didn't - Why? Well, just I didn't know line producers came to location.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know that.
- This is my husband Mark, right here.
- Coming through.
This is Ron, producer.
- Hi, Mark.
- Nice to meet you.
Thanks for letting us use your house.
You saved the show.
- Well - It's nice to meet you too.
- Hey, Ron, can I see you? - Yeah, okay.
Coming through.
Get you something to eat, my man who saved the show.
So what happened to that producer guy? Well, the Scuttlebutt is that he was a stuntman and got hit by a big movie truck, so they made him a producer.
Sorry.
Well, that's smart, you know? Avoid the lawsuit? Jane, don't Probably don't want to put that out there.
What he said.
You know? Okay.
Can I meet Seth Rogen now? You just keep telling me to wait.
Yeah, well, but Because, you know, they're just shooting his part of the scene first.
- So, they Sorry.
- Look out.
He probably doesn't want to get distracted.
Well, I don't think saying hi is gonna ruin his performance.
Well, actors can be tricky.
You know? So Well, you know what? They're just They're setting the shot.
I think maybe we have time.
- Let's go.
But we have to hurry, okay? - Okay.
- All right.
- So, let's just Okay, people! Ready, ready! One minute until picture! - No.
Can't do it.
Sorry.
- What? - No.
Just - I need another five! That's We can go.
That's okay.
Five.
- We've got to go now! - I I don't know what's happening.
You're making me nervous.
- I need five! - Okay! Five minutes! Good.
Let's go.
Hurry.
Hi.
- Hi, Seth.
- Hi.
How's it going? - Good.
- Hey.
Just wanted you to meet my husband, Mark.
Hi, Mark.
I'm Seth.
Nice meeting you.
I'd get out.
The A.
D.
Will yell at me if I do, though, - while I'm lighting, but nice meeting you.
- Yeah.
You're married to a wonderful lady.
Yeah.
Thank you, thank you.
I love your car.
Well, thank you.
And I'll make sure to tell the prop guy who bought it that you said that, 'cause it's not my car.
- It's not your car.
- No.
Not my car.
Not my heroin.
- Not my arm.
Not my gun.
- Hey! Hey! No, none of it's mine.
I'm actually being operated by a prop guy through a hole in the car.
He has his hand up my ass right now.
Yeah.
See, in this scene Mitch, that's the fictitional Paulie G.
Character, you know - Yeah.
has come to the house to shoot me.
Right? Just like every writer wants to do to their actor, right? That's why you've got to write your own stuff.
Well, okay.
Anyway, so he sits out here in his car, and then I'm up in the bedroom window up there calling the network to complain about the script, which you know I never did.
Never did it.
You know? Spoiler alert.
Doesn't kill me! - Cool.
- Yeah.
- Really cool.
- Yeah.
Picture up! And, Valerie, you've been invited to hair and makeup! - Okay! - Jesus.
Someone should tell Sheena Of The Jungle they invented this new thing called a walkie-talkie.
- That's right.
Yelling.
- Because she's yelling.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, we'll leave you to it.
Okay? Well, you know, I think I'm just gonna hang for a minute.
Well, he may want to prepare.
He can hang.
Yeah.
Just getting in the, you know, drug-fueled-killing-spree mind state.
- Pretty much there already.
- No.
Okay.
I'll be in that stink hole of a trailer! Try the potstickers! They're delish.
Okay, doll, I will.
Tyler? Doll? Listen.
Do something for me, okay? Just keep an eye on Mickey, okay? And if he wants any food or water, you get it for him.
Okay? Like a servant? Yeah.
Also known as a set P.
A.
That's your job on the show.
Yeah, I don't want to do that anymore.
I wanna do that.
You want to be the star of the show? Yeah.
I think I'd be good at it.
- Do you? - Yeah.
Okay.
Well, why don't we just let Seth have his job tonight, and you can do your job tonight? All right? Keep an eye on Mickey for me.
Why are you concerned about Mickey? Well, I'm not.
I'm just You know, it's late, or it's gonna be a late night.
You know? And he never He doesn't hydrate.
So, Jane, don't.
Okay? Don't do it.
Mark? What are Smoking? Is that What Yeah.
Seth gave it to me.
On camera? Yeah.
Okay.
You know what? We've got a problem, okay? Tyler doesn't wanna do his job anymore, okay? Because, you know, he decided he wants to be a movie star, because he showed up.
That whole generation, you know, has been treated like, "You showed up? Here's a trophy.
" And, "You ate a full meal, here's a trophy for you.
" - I know.
- Just Saving that for later? - Yeah.
- Okay, good.
Look at Seth.
So good.
Comedy and drama.
Are those heavy lights gonna leave divots in the lawn? I have no idea.
I just re-sodded that whole front section.
- Well - Shayna? Yeah.
Again! There are too many people in this hallway near the monitors.
If you don't need to be here, leave! Got it, okay.
Marky Mark, let's go.
- What, again? - Come on.
We're in the way.
Val, when are they gonna leave? - Well, making TV takes time.
- How much time? I need to sleep.
We'll figure something out.
I just don't get why they're following us.
We're just gonna sleep.
Jane, you know, thinks it's an interesting story, fleeing our house in the middle of the night to stay at one of our rental properties.
Epic.
Don't be cute, Val.
I'm not in the mood.
This is supposed to be behind-the-scenes only.
Well, she's getting a cute butt shot.
It's bad enough the only building we fucking own is all the way in fucking Hollywood.
I offered to pay for a room at The Peninsula.
You know, but Wouldn't be the first time I paid a hot guy to spend the night with me at a hotel.
Jane, no, we're We're done.
There's no more cameras for tonight.
- Well - I'm sorry, but I need to cover this.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, we're still talking, Mark, so as long as we're talking, we're not done.
I know.
We're never done.
We are never done! Peeling paint, scratched floors, now the lawn? Okay.
Jane, it's small.
- It's a studio.
- Well Go.
I trust you lucky people all have quiet homes to go home to.
Go.
Jesus.
All right, Val's still mic'ed, so just fish around for something.
There's no way we can stay in that house for another month and a half while they're shooting.
We're going to have to move out till they're done.
I'm not moving out, Mark.
I can't.
All my clothes are there, my work is there.
- Okay, you know what? - Help me get this.
I'll move out And you can join me when you're done letting that drug addict have the run of our home.
All right.
I'm not doing that.
Look, I know you're mad.
Okay? I get that you're mad.
This is not the deal that we made, Valerie.
Look, can you please just be sweet to me? Okay? I had a really rough night.
Well, I've had a rough night too, and I'm not the one who signed up for this.
What? What are you looking at? Okay.
Sorry.
Sorry, Jane! - I - No.
We're done.
All right.
Calling it.
- What the fuck was that? - I don't It definitely came from the next apartment.
Yeah.
It's okay.
She's with us.
It's okay.
Strongwood Property own building.
Well, yeah.
We are Strongwood Properties.
I told you that.
Remember? Mark? Yeah.
We're Strongwood Properties.
- Yeah.
- No one answer the phone.
Machine.
Well, that's probably because it's 3:00 a.
m.
If you own the building, why are you sleeping here? Well, okay.
I'm an actress.
Valerie Cherish.
Hi.
I'm doing a new HBO series, and shooting it at our house.
So that's why we're here, 'cause we can't sleep there.
So If you own building, what is my name? I have no idea.
Still doesn't get it.
Okay.
Why would we say that we're Strongwood Properties if Are you all right? What is that? Mark, can we please just go stay at The Peninsula? - No, we can't.
This is our property.
- Can we just We're liable.
It's a yawn.
Okay.
Okay, look.
Our friend here thought she heard a gunshot or something - coming from inside this apartment.
- Yeah.
Now, we've called the police, but we're concerned.
Thank you.
Thank you, 'cause we're liable.
Yeah.
Got to see.
Sure it's nothing.
Just something fell over.
Oh, God! Jesus.
Don't look.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, he shot himself.
Are you happy now, Valerie? He's in shock.
So you didn't know the guy? No.
Not at all.
He was a tenant, but that's about it.
- But we don't manage the buildings.
- No.
Hey.
What I tell you about that camera? No, that's all right.
They're with me.
It's for my show.
- Your show? - Yeah.
No, no.
They can't film this.
Look, they were filming when I got here.
Now, if you want to shut them down and do all the paperwork it's going to take to report all this, then be my guest.
But it's 4:00 in the morning, and I would like to go home.
Yeah.
I'm an actress, so, you know, I've done a couple CSI so I get it.
You know? This is not for public consumption.
Right? We won't use any of this.
I promise.
Jane? Jane? All this is N.
G No good.
Yeah.
So, what's the deal in there? Well, the coroner just left.
Yeah, so, do you have any ideas about who the perp is? Perp is short for "perpetrator.
" Looks like a suicide.
We found drugs all over the apartment.
- Okay.
- He drug addict.
Never pay on time.
Drug addict? He was? We talked to some of your tenants.
Apparently, he'd been through rehab and was doing pretty well.
Had a new job, looked like he was on his way back.
Yep, and that's usually when they take a dive.
- It is? - Yeah.
They'll turn their life around, then all of a sudden, they wreck it all.
And they take down anybody who's around them.
- Unit 23.
- Excuse me, folks.
This is unit 23.
Go.
My garbage disposal is broken.
I call Strongwood five times! Okay.
Well Mark? Do you want to No, don't "Mark" me.
I've had it, Valerie.
I cannot do another night like this.
Tomorrow, I am gonna start looking for a new place to move to.
You can join me if you want.
Where are you going now? To The Peninsula.
Very nice, nice to meet you.
- Got everything? - Yeah.
Did you hear that? - What? - Been through rehab and then - Yes.
Yes.
things were looking good.
Do you have a key to this? - Rough night.
- Thank you.
- You know? - Thank you.
You're not on me? Oh, my God.
- Come on, man, that's enough! - Jane.
Jane.