The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e04 Episode Script

What do you mean
you don't have it?
It says here,
"Beauty Supply Store."
Oh, well, maybe this will
jar your memory.
[air horn blaring]
[clears throat]
Excuse me.
I am on the phone doing very
important business, lady.
Do you know how hard
it is to get somebody
to refill my keg of dippity-do?
Oh, great, they hung up.
What the hell
do you want, Miss Buttinski?
Mommy.
Oh, crap.
Mother Wick,
why don't you wait in my office?
If you need
to settle your nerves
there's a little brandy
hidden under the scotch.
[laughing]
That's it, Mimi.
Th-this attitude of yours
this wild make-up,
your outrageous manner of dress.
Oh, you noticed, did you?
Yes, I did.
And I want you
to take your lunch hour
and go home,
remove all that make-up.
[gasps]
Change your clothes..
find a new outfit,
and come back here
looking like a professional.
I don't think I heard you.
You can't represent me
at the front desk
looking the way you do.
Perhaps if we were
"Winfred Louder-Barnum
and Bailey."
Hey, there is nothing wrong
with my make-up
or my clothes.
You're just used
to seeing people who don't care.
Look around.
These people threw themselves
together in 20-minutes tops.
I get up at dawn
to look this good.
So that's what scares
the moon away.
[laughing]
Hey, ain't your fight, hedgehog.
That's enough, Mimi.
I'm reassigning you
until you're ready to conform.
Carey, what's the worst job
in this dorm?
I've already got it, sir.
Carey?
Uh, I guess it would be
re-organizing the archives
in the sub-basement.
That's it, then.
Unless, you're willing
to reconsider.
C'mon, Mimi, you don't wanna
go down there.
You can adjust,
just cut it down to one coat.
Forget it.
I'm not changing for anybody.
You're not gonna break me, Wick.
I can do time in the hole
standing on my head.
I'm experiencing
mixed emotions here, sir.
Half of me is sad
and the other half
wants to beat the hell out
of that half for being sad.
Permission to dance a jig, sir?
Neither of us
wants to see that, Carey.
Now, just find me
replacement for Mimi.
Right away, sir.
Excuse me.
Forgot something.
Uh, just a note, sir,
while she's down there
you might wanna get her
a tire to play with.
[theme music]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland ♪
Underneath your silver light ♪
We're going bowlin' ♪
So don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hey, what are you doin'
behind the bar?
Ah, Tim had to run some errands
and he wanted to put someone
responsible in charge
that he can trust.
Aah. Go pick a fight
so I can pull the gun.
Wait a minute,
I've always wanted to do this.
Ah, one Buzz Beer,
comin' up.
Look, I'm Tom Cruise.
You're supposed to twirl it
then open it
- Oh.
- Like this way.
[glass shattering]
That was a 30 year old
bottle of scotch, anyway.
Yeah.
You lose. You buy.
Not fair,
I wasn't wearing my cup.
Hey, what you guys
doing back there?
Oh, Tim asked us
to watch the bar.
So, what'll you have?
- I'll have a gin and tonic.
- Okay.
What's in that?
We know.
[indistinct chattering]
Oh, forget,
I'll have a Buzz Beer.
Make that two Buzz Beers.
Okay. Why don't you go down
to the end of bar?
- Come on, I'm right here.
- Come on.
I wanna slide it to you.
Alright, but be careful.
[glass shattering]
Okay, we're on the honor system.
Hey, watch it, pal.
Ah, I'm-I'm sorry, man.
It was an accident.
Yeah, like your face is gonna
have an accident when my fist.
Hey, whoa, whoa, it's alright,
it's not worth fighting.
He spilled my beer all over me.
Yeah, well you know, you're
asking for it standing there.
Minding you own business
and all.
Here, why don't you take
my beer?
- Hey, thanks, man.
- Yeah.
- Don't I know you?
- Yeah, it took you long enough.
Man, Drew, you haven't aged
a bit since high school.
You still look like you're 40.
You're bad, bad, Simon Tate.
Wow, I didn't recognize you
without my underwear
pulled over my head.
Hey, you guys remember
Simon Tate?
- Hey, you're Lewis.
- Yeah.
Yeah and uhI'm not sure
if I recognize you.
Let me give you a hint.
Help, help me!
Oh, God.
- Hey, Oswald.
- Yeah.
Yeah and you're Kate, right?
Flatsy, flatsy,
you're flat and that's that.
Yeah.
Congratulations, you've got
something going on there now.
Hey, look about that, you know
I was kind of a jerk
in high school
'you know, my parents were
breaking up and all?'
I wasn't handling it very well,
but that's just a reason
it's not an excuse so,
look I-I wouldn't blame you
if one of you guys just want
to take a shot at me right now.
Lewis, come on, settle down,
that was ages ago.
Yeah, but I can still taste
that urinal cake.
'Yeah, I'm really really sorry
about that, you know.'
Uh, if I'd any money,
I'd buy you all a beer.
Aah! Ha-ha!
You're poor.
Lewis, you drove over here
in AMC Matador.
Shut up.
Look, uh, it's been a lot of
water under the bridge
so, why don't you sit down
and tell us
what you've been up to?
Well, uh, I went to California,
did a stint in the navy.
Uh, came back 'cause my mom took
a fall and effected her memory.
Actually I shouldn't
even be here tonight
'cause uh, I'm grounded.
Oh, hey, there's the manager.
I gotta give him my resume.
Man, you know, you-you learn
to use the computer
you sharpen up
your office skills
and, you end up begging
to be a bus boy.
I hope you get it.
You know, I'm glad
I'm gonna get a chance
to make things up
to you guys, you know.
This might sound
a little corny, but uh..
it's time I get a few checks
in my "Done good box."
Wow.
Has he changed?
I always thought
he'd grow up to be a murderer.
Or something in
the murdering field.
I can't believe
I'm saying this
but I actually feel sorry
for the guy.
Yeah, he almost saved my neck
a couple of minutes ago.
Hard to believe
that's the same guy
who made me a nervous wreck
for four years.
- Four years, Drew?
- Yes.
My first day
of freshman year he told me
he was gonna kill me
on my last day of senior year.
[chuckles]
Every time
I saw him in the hall
he was like,
"A thousand eighty days, Drew."
"Eight hundred more days, Drew."
Worst part was he didn't
graduate so I'll get calls
at college, "As soon as
I pass Algebra, Drew."
Shh.
- Hey, uh, how'd it go?
- Hey, it went great.
It's in the bag, man.
I can't wait to tell mom.
Uh, hey, listen, before you call
her, how's your typing skills?
Well, 95, a 100 words
a minute, why?
Well, I'm in personnel
over Winfred-Louder
and I'm looking to replace
an executive secretary.
- You interested?
- What?
Hey, everybody deserves
a second chance.
Hey, I won't let you down, Drew.
I know all that stuff.
I used to be in the steno pool
on the navy.
Isn't that a girly job?
[instrumental music]
Drew, Simon doesn't know where
to file the vacation request.
- Have you seen Mimi?
- Nobody's seen her for a week.
Is she still doing time
down on the sub-basement?
Do you know the number
down there?
There's no phone. You have
to use this pneumatic tube.
They put someone down
in the bowels
of this store without a phone?
I won't worry about Mimi.
Word is, someone's been killing
all the alligators down there.
I heard that
the cheese disappeared
from all the mouse traps.
So, now she has crackers.
Drew, we have a problem.
What's in the bag, Chuck?
A head?
Yeah.
Mimi did this to half
the mannequins in the store
and now she's missing.
I think she might be losing
the duct system.
I hear she asked you
if she can live on drywall.
I'm worried, Drew.
We have a disgruntled employee
down there
that's bent on revenge.
And she's dangerously close
to the store's operations room.
Oh, God help us.
She's found the fuse box.
Hey, boss, you're gonna have to
find somebody to cover for me
this afternoon,
I'm going golfing with Wick.
You going golfing with the boss?
Boy, you're moving up quick.
I'm not even allowed to talk
to him outside the building.
Yeah. Yeah,
I'm the big man on campus again.
Man, this is just like
at high school.
This is the best job
I've ever had.
Simon, what's my little bulldog
doing away from the phone?
- Arf.
- Ooh.
[laughing]
Ooh, Simon.
Brilliant choice
to replace Mimi, Carey.
It's nice not
to be visually assaulted
when I step out of my office.
Hey, hey, Drew, look here.
[laughing]
Ah, just like
when we were kids, huh?
I'm just kidding, little buddy.
Here you go.
Ah, you might wanna
watch that, Simon.
Peewee is kind of sensitive
about his height.
Ah, ha, no, no.
I tease him, he laughs.
Well, this is a place
of business
so just take it easy, okay?
Okay. You got it, boss.
Hey, hey, going somewhere?
I wish to clean up now.
Okay, where's your dollar?
Please, I wish to clean up now.
Oh, you haven't heard
the new rules?
Yeah, Mr. Wick, yeah you need
a dollar to get into his office.
Simon, what are you doing?
Hey, don't look at me,
Mr. Wick said he didn't want
all kinds of people going in
and out of his office.
Okay, thanks.
Hope you get a dollar
to get out.
Si-Simon, you can't take money
from the cleaning people.
Yeah, I'll give it back to him
later, I'm just having fun.
- Well, give it back to him now.
- I think I said later, Drew.
I'm trying to have fun.
You're not trying to ruin
my fun, are you, Drew?
No. No. No.
'Cause that would be a mistake.
Yeah, I was just gonna say,
"Hey, why don't we go downstairs
and beat the hell out of that
guy with the wandering eye?"
Hey, hey, I know the one
you're talking about, come on.
Max, don't ask any questions
just put on your dark glasses
and take your break, now.
Don't stay too late, Drew.
There's been Mimi sightings
all over the store.
Did you see what happened
to the make-up counter?
That was no boding accident.
Give it a break, everyone's
going crazy around here.
Hey, pig. Welcome to Mimisoft,
download this.
Eww.
How did she scan that?
So, she got into a couple
of computers, big deal.
(Mimi)
'Heal, Antonio.'
Mimi?
It's time for dinner, Antonio.
I hope you're not
on a fat-free diet.
[screaming]
Oh, man. In my own dream I made
a fat-free joke about myself.
(Mimi)
'Drew?'
It's a dream within a dream.
I gotta get out of here.
Oh, it's not a dream.
'Drew?'
Mimi, where are you?
'Over here.'
- Where?
- 'Here.'
- Marco.
- 'Polo.'
- Marco.
- 'Polo.'
Mimi, how long
you're gonna stay down there?
Why don't you come back up?
(Mimi)
'And give in to Wick? No way.'
'I just wish
it wasn't so dark down here.'
'I'm so lonely.'
'Oh, I forgot to tell ya.'
[babbling]
What? I can-I can-
I can't hear you.
[babbling continues]
Mimi? Mimi, you're fadin' out.
'Come closer, I'm so weak.'
What is it?
[Mimi laughing]
It's okay, Mimi.
I can forgive you for that.
Because I got a..
[screaming]
'Missed, send down a donut.'
I wouldn't do that to my worst
enemy, let alone a donut.
Where's all my candy bars?
Si-Simon,
are those my candy bars?
Nope.
Come on, Simon. I'm sure
those are my candy bars.
No. But I let you watch' em
while I go to the Jon.
And uh, if anybody touches
these candy bars..
heads are gonna roll.
Ah, I'll show him.
Touch, touch, touch.
Simon, Simon.
Oh, good, he's gone.
Mr. Wick, you're here,
gotta need to talk to you.
No time, he'll be back soon.
But wait, you don't like Simon
anymore, either? Good.
'Cause I think it's time
for you to let him go.
I'd love to fire him,
but, uh, you have to.
I-I can't, I've got
slender wrists
uh, that's actually
the Wick code of arms.
"Two slender wrists
against the field of heather."
Oh, really?
Well, the Carey code
of arms is a guy
ducking behind a guy
with slender wrists.
You fire him.
Look, you're the one
that recommended him
plus he's made an
ungodly mess of the files.
I need Mimi to come back up here
and reorganize everything.
I don't care what she looks
like, just get her back up here.
We-hee. Look what I found.
Show some spine, Carey.
Fire him.
Hey, you're pretty fast
on those slender ankles.
[upbeat music]
Okay, Speedy, this is Skipper
Bee, Shakespeare, Casset,
Sky and Rockford.
Guys, this
is Drew's dog, Speedy.
He's new in the neighborhood
he's little bit
different from you
but he can run,
bark, bite and sniff butt
as good as any of you.
Alright, now, get out there
and play. Get out there.
[dogs barking]
But stay in the yard.
And remember,
you pee on it, you bought it.
Hey, have you guys seen the
neighbors, everybody's outside
looking for the dogs?
Uh, we left the note
with their cats.
Ah, it's nice to see Speedy
makin' some new friends.
Look, they're really
getting along.
Well, they're
reallygetting along.
Didn't know Speedy
could do that on wheels.
Yeah, it's kinda like
John Voight and James Fannin
coming home.
Hey, see why I call him Speedy.
Well.
Hey, remember the great idea
I had about hiring Simon?
Uh-oh.
No, it's fine.
Everything's working out great.
- Really?
- No.
That's my impression of the guy
who makes good decisions.
Now, here's my impression
of the guy who's really upset.
He's a nightmare.
I gotta fire him but he's nuts.
He's right to where he was
in junior high.
Today he made Wilson call
himself a doodie-head.
[laughing]
Drew, there's 20 dogs having sex
in your backyard.
It's doggy Caligula out there.
I'll get the hose.
Whoa, never gonna letthatdog
lick my face again.
Are you okay?
I heard a rumor
that you tried to fire Simon
and he beat
the crap out of you.
Actually, that's tomorrow.
Drew, you can do this.
You're his boss.
- Just fire him.
- No, you don't understand.
He's become the guy we were all
scared off in high school again.
He's not that big but he's got
this look in his eyes
that let you know
he's capable of anything.
There's something wrong
with his head.
Hmm. I always thought he's like
hearing voices or something.
Well, how come guys that hear
voices never hear anything good?
Aye, go track down
the president.
Tell him what a great job
he's doing.
Climb to the top
of the watchtower
and just enjoy the view.
Who made the salad?
Bonjour Gee.Ha ha.
Drew, this guy is all bark.
Deep down, all bullies
are really cowards.
Yeah, he gave you all the time
in the world to get away.
The only warning
he ever gave me was..
"Hey, Lewis,
you're bleeding. Wham!"
I think he's scared of you.
Yeah.
- Yeah, you can take him.
- Yeah.
He's a scrawny loser
who couldn't get a job
till you helped him out.
Drew, you're a wrecking machine.
Ask any buffet line.
That's right,
do to him what you did
to the sizzlers
at Easter Brunch.
Yeah, and I ate
on the way over there.
[upbeat music]
More fan mail from the Phantom?
Yeah.
"Greetings from Empress Mimi
of the Underworld.
"From now on, your surface laws
no longer apply to me.
"PS, I found access
to the cafeteria.
Operation Dessert Storm,
begins at noon tomorrow."
Oh, man, I sure am glad
Wick didn't ask me
to go down there and get her.
Just remember, don't shoot
till you see yellows
blues and aquamarines
of her eyes.
Oops, missed a spot.
Missed a spot.
In my homeland,
I was surgeon.
Simon, we need to have a talk we
should've had a long time ago.
Oh, sure,
it'll cost you a dollar.
It's not gonna
cost me anything.
I'm gonna talk,
and you're gonna listen.
Okay, look, I gave you
a big chance here
and you turned on me.
This isn't just my work,
this is my home.
These people aren't my
employees, they're my friends.
There's no room
for a bully around here.
It takes a lot of guts
for you to say that, Drew.
Yeah. Yeah, I got of guts,
and you know why?
Because you may act tough
but deep down inside,
behind that clenched jaw
and that vein starting
to throb out on your head.
Deep down inside, you're just
an insecure little boy.
Ha!
I can still feel a rib
you didn't break.
Oh, my God.
I'm in the sub-basement.
Mimi.
[dramatic music]
Mimi?
[screaming]
What the hell
is the matter with you?
Uh, it's just been a while
since I've seen you.
I like what you did
with your face.
I just stood up to a bully.
Doesn't look like
you stood up for very long.
My friends told me
to stand up to him.
That all bullies are cowards.
Well, let me tell you something,
this bully was no coward.
He beat me,
then he beat me some more.
He was a very,
very, brave bully.
You idiot, like nobody's ever
been beat up by a bully before.
Yeah, but I fired him,
and that's the point.
That's why I came
down here, Mimi.
I got good news,
you-you can come back up
amongst the top dwellers.
Go back up there?
No way.
I'm the boss down here.
No jerks breathing down my neck.
No distractions from my work.
And best of all, no pigs
undressing me with their eyes.
Look, this may just be the
concussion talking, but, uh..
it would really mean
a lot to me personally
if you'd come back up.
I want a 50% raise.
Ten.
Three extra vacation days
so I can go
to Club Med for singles.
Hey, if they let you in, sure.
Forget it.
Still not enough.
Oh, what the hell do you want?
I want you to understand
how I feel.
You don't know what
it's like to be treated
like some kind of leper.
That's where you're wrong, Mimi.
I know what it's like
to be humiliated.
Oh, please.
Look, you have to promise you'll
never tell anybody this, but..
I was in third grade..
and, it was Christmas time..
and, I had to play a sheep
in the school activity play
'cause I-I couldn't fit
into the shepherd costume.
You couldn't fit
into a shepherd's costume?
They're robes for God sake.
Oh, that's terrible.
There's more.
I crawled to the entire play
wasn't till I sat
on a bail of hay
that I realized that
my bare butt was exposed
'cause some jerk cut
the rear-end out of my costume.
[laughing]
Why weren't you wearing
any underwear?
You only get one story.
Now, look,
you-you have to promise
you won't tell
anybody about this.
Drew, I swear,
I won't repeat it to anyone.
(Drew)
'Good, 'cause for 15 years,
everybody called mebadass.'
[laughing]
Don't worry, Drew.
It's our little secret.
Oh. By the way..
The cafeteria
is now open for lunch.
- What?
- Oh, nothing.
[instrumental music]
I gotta get some sleep.
Oh, I know what always works.
[instrumental
"Twinkle twinkle little star"]
[panting]
Aye, I'm getting tired.
Can't you just take a pill
or something?