The Durrells (2016) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Darling, I know.
It's beastly.
Everything's excruciating! Well, at least you're at home now so I can look after you.
If my testicles start swelling, you know what that means, don't you?! - Yes, I do.
- Agony and infertility! That's really quite rare.
Everyone gets mumps.
Look how fun it sounds! Mumps! It's like a clown's name.
Ha-ha! Aaaagh.
I blame Vasilia.
She infected me.
More fool you for becoming her boyfriend.
She's dangerous, Larry.
You look so weird.
- Leslie, please! - He's got a face like a fat person! Leave! So I can recheck my scrotum.
Mother, stop him talking like that.
Theo told me that a bushcricket's testes make upper 14% of its body weight.
- Well, that could be me tomorrow.
- Stop talking about that area! It's a good excuse to keep Aunt Hermione away from the house.
Isn't that a bit mean? She's coming all the way from England.
- Yeah, to wag her finger at us.
- It's not mean, there's nowhere for her to stay now that Donald's here.
I did notice that.
Five minutes after I move out and you've get a new son and I'm relegated to the guest couch.
- I have the mumps now.
- No, you don't.
I will die soon.
- No, you won't.
- Mum! Look at the sky.
Dark.
Terrible.
There will be a death soon.
- No, there will not.
- Bring me a poultice! Unless I kill Larry.
So, I'll assess Jerry's abilities, and tailor a timetable to his needs.
Yes, I just want him to be able to do his times table.
And spell Hastings.
Yes, but it but it's a little more complicated than that.
Oh, hello, Margo! - Hello, Donald.
- Oh, thank you for coming, Theo.
I just felt Larry needed some intellectual stimulus.
And we needed a break.
Well, he'll be out of the infectious stage in a day or two, and he can go back to his apartment.
I had mumps.
It's horrible.
Me too.
My parotid glands felt like they were pumped full of glue.
Yes, but at least you've had it, and all the others.
Hugh hasn't, so he won't be dropping in.
Theo, come back and talk to me about Proust.
I go home now.
What? Well, why? The sky is falling.
Someone will die.
Pame pame pame! Grigora! Why do I have to be educated? It's traditional.
I learn more from a walk in the woods.
Donald won't be strict.
He's sweet.
He's just a bit boring.
Compared to him.
- It's going to rain.
- How can I get rid of these spots? - The greater spotted woodpecker.
- That doesn't help, Gerry.
Is it unrequited love or some bigger spiritual vacuum? I think it's the little ducts that get blocked up.
God, I hate being this age.
Oh, gosh.
Quick, Gerry.
Roger, come on! Hurry up, Margo! Ugh, I hate this! Hey, hey, wait there.
Margo grab grab the basket.
People are running around like it's the end of the world.
It's a bad day to be an insect.
- Let me help you.
- I want to bring Sally in.
No! Gerry! Come in.
I fear I am trapped.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Theo.
Normally I'd gladly nestle in among Durrells, but Larry's not at his best.
Ah, you noticed.
Mrs Durrells! Welcome to England! Ah, Spiro, come in.
I bring you your auntie, looking even more jolly than last year.
Louisa! Aunt Hermione! Welcome back to Corfu.
You're a day early.
Yes.
Venice was closed, for some reason.
I shall be writing letters of complaint.
This is Mrs Haddock, one of our British contingent.
She's very special.
Mrs Durrell.
I've heard a lot about you.
Well, as they say, all good, I hope! No, as they say, a fairly mixed bag.
Right.
I assure you that Mrs Durrells is What's the opposite of mixed bag? A bag with all the same things in it.
Anyway, before you take your coats off, I'm afraid Lawrence has mumps, and he's still infectious.
- Oh, dear.
- Yes! And this is what he looks like.
Beware all ye who enter this place.
I urge you to stay in a hotel.
No.
Greek hotels are are dismaying.
It's Mr Stephanides, isn't it? We visited your somewhat outre home.
You did.
I no longer have the octopus.
Mrs Haddock and I are delighted to accept your hospitality.
- Splendid idea! - Excellent.
Sadly, Theo is very busy with his work.
Why is he here, then? Exposed as a fraud! Ladies, it will be a pleasure.
What's everyone talking about? - Keep him away! - Of course.
Just hurry up and get better! Hello.
Ooh, nasty spots.
- Yes.
- I can cure you.
I've got certain gifts.
She has.
She is a medium.
- Really?! - Yes.
Me too or sometimes a 'large'.
Shall we? - Have you always had the gift? - Oh, yes.
Mrs Durrell, I can feel the presence of your late husband.
No, you can't.
He loved the rain, didn't he? Hates being alone, as you know.
Oh, he's suffering terribly, now you so have many male admirers.
It's rather cosy.
It's like a prison.
Well, the forecast says two days of torrential rain, - so let's just enjoy being together as a family.
- Plus Donald.
Half the Nativity.
She was looking sad.
That's what donkeys look like.
And it's a great opportunity for us to start tutoring in earnest, Gerry.
Poor Theo, having to put up Aunt Hermione and that Haddock woman.
I thought she was marvellous.
She's going to cure my spots.
- What spots? - Those.
The ones on her face.
All that nonsense about being a medium.
So, how did she know Daddy liked the rain but hated being on his own? Well, who does like being on their own? - Me.
- Me too.
- I rather enjoy it.
I remember Father insisting that you went with him everywhere.
That's because we were in love.
I still miss him.
'Oh, Death, where is thy sting?' Ah, source, anybody? Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, bloody Confucius? The Bible? No.
Shakespeare.
Well, both, actually.
One Corinthians 55, and Henry VIII.
I've got mumps, you know! What if I never really get over his death? Don't roll your eyes at me.
I take marriage seriously, I don't just casually announce I'm getting married to a psychopath.
Vasilia is not a psychopath on the whole.
Marriage is paperwork.
It was the defining decision and the glory of my life.
Try looking forward.
You shilly-shally about Hugh, he's alive, - Father isn't.
- Shut up, Larry.
Respect the dead.
Stop it! Mrs Haddock is a spiritualist, she can put us in touch with Daddy.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- More to the point, stuck here together, how long before we start wanting to kill each other and join him? No, no chickens! They were petrified.
And we can use the eggs.
Ah! Get off! The rain's pouring into my bedroom.
- Bucket.
- They've all been used.
I think it's happening.
Do my testicles look bigger? - Ugh! - No! No, Larry, no! Don't show me things I don't want to see! You're always showing me your guns.
"Oh, look at the barrel, it's machine-tooled, you know.
" Oh, er er the the chicken's done a a You know.
I'll clear it up! Larry made Leslie see his men's area.
Don't be so repressed.
It's a body.
You're happy enough to look at tulip bulbs.
Yes, and I'll feel the same way when you bury your balls in the garden.
- Look, please.
- No, I hate being shut up inside! - I am an outdoor person.
- Well, we can't go out.
So organise some activities.
And make sure they're fun.
Ah, Gerry er will you sit down, please, so you can do my evaluation? - I can't! - Just sit down and do it! All right, everyone come up with an entertainment.
- No.
- Busy.
- I'm dying.
- Yes, you will! Ooh, I've written some love poetry I'd be happy to share.
- No! No! - Get me out in the rain! Look, I'm sure they're not very good.
But they are very sincere.
You said it's too foul to go out.
I can't leave Theo to suffer with Aunt Hermione and Mrs Haddock.
You're going to ask her how she knew about Daddy, aren't you? Of course not.
Can I explain any of my experiments? No.
I don't approve of science.
It reduces everything.
Or, does it improve lives and shine a light on the glorious world around us? - Come in.
Come in.
- Oh, gosh! I've never known anything like it.
Thank you, Theo.
So, did everyone sleep well? One did one's best.
Well, at least it's dry here.
Our house is leaking like a colander.
Urgghhh.
Have you seen Gerry? No.
Urggghh.
I can't believe you told Mother she's an idiot to miss Father.
Mmm.
His name is Hugh and he grows olives.
- Yes.
- And are you serious about him? So soon after your liaison with your Swede? You are determined to make me sound flighty.
It's been nine years since my husband died, and there's been Sven and then, very tentatively, Hugh.
- No, we are just friends.
- Auntie! You'll never shake off your husband, my dear.
There's a reason he called you "my angel".
He's also YOUR angel.
How do you know these things about him? - Have you been telling her, Aunt? - Not a word.
I have a strong sense of people.
The way, I gather, your son understands animals.
I'll hold a seance so you can speak to your husband again.
No, no, I don't want that.
Oh, but you should, Louisa.
Mrs Haddock is little short of a genius.
Oh, I'm not.
I'm all for God, but contacting the dead is a superstition too far.
Oh, I I I don't like the term "dead".
You're usually so sceptical, Aunt.
- Well, as I get older and closer to my - Departure.
Departure I become more open-minded.
I'll also cure Margo's spots, using my faith healing.
I'm afraid I must resume my work.
I'm giving a paper about Cephalopods and their inky sacs.
Oh, yes, of course, sorry, Theo.
If I may, I'll fetch Spiro to drive the ladies somewhere else.
- I should do that.
- No, no, honestly I'd be delighted.
Theo told me that Larry's no longer infectious.
Well, I feel guilty about my poor welcome.
So, ladies, it will be damp and a bit of a squeeze, but please, do come home with me.
1932, and fashion was seeing a return to the corset but was far removed from old-style bodices.
Shall we jump ahead to this year? - Look, we might not understand it, or even enjoy it.
- What? - But you mustn't interrupt the entertainment.
- Shhh.
Fascinating things were about to happen to hats.
- Oh, no, not hats.
- Right, that's it, I'm stopping.
Right, Donald, you're on.
Now, I know you said you had some poems, but something else might be more fun.
D'you know any magic? No I'd I'd really like to do my poetry.
- OK.
- Go on.
- Ooh.
- Dropped your pencil.
You, me, I, you, Together we are us.
Heart, soul, guts -- one.
Our love is offal Sorry.
It's very good very good.
.
.
Charis made you.
Euthymia buffed you.
Till you now gleam - in your Greek jewel box.
- That's brilliant.
- Shall we take a break, then? - No -- there's more.
- Sacred bosom - Hello! I've got Aunt Hermione with me.
- I'll help! - Me too! Send Lawrence to a far corner of the house! I fear lingering contagion.
Aarghh.
Give me a chance! I'm going, I'm going.
Why are there animals in the house? They're Gerry's.
He thought they looked depressed out in the rain.
Thank you, Spiro, as ever.
Don't let your strange guest make you sad.
- And the sun will return.
- I know.
Gerry, shovel! I've no doubt I have 20 good years left, but I tend to look back now rather than forward.
Yes, me too, oddly, at the moment.
Your husband? Yes.
Every time I feel I'm moving on, he reappears like a ghost at the feast.
I know you mistrust Mrs Haddock, but I'm no fool, and she seems to have a door into the lost world of the past.
Oooh.
Do you have cabbage? Oh, yes, we do.
- Put it on your face.
- Hm? Put cabbage on your face and your spots will disappear within hours.
Oh, how lovely.
Thank you.
Cooked? No.
But the root cause is deeper and more spiritual.
I know! I'd love us to have a seance.
I'll try to persuade Mother.
Oh, please do.
(Oh, goats.
) It's becoming clear that you're avoiding doing this test Do you have to sit on the donkey? No, but there's no space or chairs.
I can't do it myself, it falls off.
No, I'm not attaching cabbage to your face.
It's insane, and you are so gullible.
I'd be more than happy to attach cabbage or anything to your face.
- Yes, like YOUR face.
- Leslie! Outrageous! Here, let me help you.
How do you normally do this? I don't normally do this.
Of course not.
Idiot.
Erm Aargghhhh! Conservation will become more and more important as we interfere with nature.
Me and my friend Theo have caught two otters and are trying to breed them, because there are hardly any left.
This photo is copyright of Leslie.
He's a very good photographer.
Yep.
Well, I I wanted to be a photographer.
But er nobody in Corfu has money to pay me so I've done a painting.
- That's wonderful, darling.
- That's brilliant, Les.
Ah, good.
Not bad, is it? "The mossy, bosky croft squatted like a deposed monarch on the open plain.
The cloy of death oozed out, parting miasma of the dead shepherd inside.
A maggoty crofter in a tartan shroud.
" 'I can feel the presence of your late husband.
He loved the rain, didn't he?' 'He reappears like a ghost at the feast.
' Whoa, God! Someone's mucked around with this.
Oh, darling.
Maybe the rain dripped on it.
I can't stand being stuck in here.
Honestly, I want to hurt Larry, I'm missing Lugaretzia.
I wish I'd just gone with her.
Mother, look! It looks like someone's trying to erase us.
Ooh, oh.
Will you stop it, please! I hope this works.
I ran out of cabbage.
And take that stupid vegetable off your face.
Ow.
Don't, it's medicinal! Right! Since you blew into our lives, we've been besieged by morbidity and gloom.
Larry's turned his illness into a death sentence.
Death is an illusion.
Oh, if only.
I dreamt of my husband last night, something I never do.
How dare you suggest that he is suffering because I have an innocent gentleman friend.
But you are thinking it yourself.
How do you know so much about him? It's the gift, dear.
Breathe this in.
It's him.
It's his hair, his cologne.
How did you do this? They're closer than we think.
Very well.
Please stage a seance.
- I'm looking forward to introducing you to my guide.
- What's that? He's a spirit guide.
My best is a Red Indian called Mawake.
There may be ectoplasm.
Ah.
Good.
What's that? It's a spiritual energy that materialises into the air.
Ooh.
What does it look like so I can keep my eyes open for it? Well, it has different forms.
It's often gelatinous like brains.
Erm before I go to my room to prepare myself, I've got something serious to ask you.
That's it, I'm not hiding away any more.
If anyone doesn't wanna risk catching the mumps, leave the house now! I'm trying to organise Gerry's education.
- Well, go on, then.
- Gerald! Animal stools! - Coming! - No! Which is more important -- animal excrement or education? - Is that one of the questions? - No.
I hate being shut in! I'm going out in the rain.
Don't be stupid.
To do what? I'm very much not interested in what you have to say! I heard lightning killed two people last year in Corfu.
Erm Mrs Haddock is holding a seance soon, apparently.
- Your mother agreed.
- Ohhh.
No! Even if by some lunatic billion-to-one chance Father does appear as a ghost, that's not gonna end well, is it? How can I know? It didn't make Hamlet sleep any easier.
Look, you don't know what it's like to miss someone so much that it sucks the life out of you, even after several years.
The point is, the scar had healed.
And Hugh wants you.
And yet he hasn't braved the deluge and the slight chance of mumps to come and see me.
Well, I am getting better.
Look, I need to know if Mrs Haddock is a fraud.
She seems remarkable.
Erm Leslie's redone his painting.
He really doesn't like being stuck indoors, does he? Oh when the Saints go marching in Oh when the Saints Oh when the Saints Oh when the Saints go marching in I wanna be in that number - Poor Leslie.
- Shall I get Roger to round him up? I don't think he'll be out there too long.
Oh when the Saints go marching in Ooof! - Mummy! - Come on.
- Come on.
- Mummy! Ooh.
All right.
- It's not actually as enjoyable as you think it's going to be.
- No.
Oh! Two days with my family.
I must escape.
Please, enter.
We're about to begin.
Come, come, come.
Po po, o Theos filaxe! I've got an awful feeling about this.
We were concerned.
In case your mother had been lured into a spiritualist gathering.
- These people can be dangerous.
- Just in time.
You, of all people, looking nervous? Nervous? No.
Lay your hands on the table.
Hold the person's next to you.
It's a comfort to know that those who have gone before are still within our reach.
Now, please shut your eyes and I will go into a trance.
Oh, sorry, it's Gerry.
I locked him in a room to work.
Donald, are you serious? Absolutely ridiculous.
Why does it have to be so dark? Gerry! Come sit here by my side.
Ow! - Don't like it.
- Has she fallen asleep? Be quiet or you'll spoil it.
There are strangers among us.
You're welcome! We were just passing.
Strictly speaking, YOU are the stranger.
- This is Mawake.
- Oh, he's the best guide.
A Red Indian.
Mawake is in contact with Mr Durrell.
He's in! Close the window.
Ah, what's that against my hand?! Ectoplasm! Your husband is reaching out for you.
He's so alone.
Leave it! He's restless.
Feel their presence.
They reach out in the darkness.
I can feel his touch.
What are you doing? Disturb nothing.
- Ah! - What was that? - Fake ectoplasm! - She had it in her bag! - I saw it! This is an outrage! Close the curtains! Remove the wildlife! Why did I almost believe you?! You unbelievers sometimes need help.
Louisa, you're jumping to conclusions.
She is exploiting people's grief.
Why should she? She receives no remuneration.
- Ah.
- Miss Margo? Did you pay Mrs Haddock? She was so convincing.
I gave her everything I'd saved from working at the market.
Oh, Margo.
Actually, it wasn't that much.
I'm the world's worst saver.
And I gave her some money too.
And me.
She looks you in the eyes and you just feel yourself paying.
Teach me how you do that, Mrs Haddock.
It seems I was deceived.
In anticipation, I brought a book of mine about how to expose fake mediums.
If you wait long enough, every book becomes useful.
Where's she gone? Son of a bitch! I'll drive her.
After all, she is a guest on our island.
I'll come too.
In the car I can impress on Mrs Haddock the power and beauty of rational thought.
I feel such a buffoon.
My problem is I believe too much.
Well, Margo, maybe it's better than what I do.
Hedging my bets Mistrusting people.
Is it ever going to stop? It appears that every time I come to Corfu I make a rather large mistake.
Yes, you do.
Mrs Haddock was friendly, and your cousin Prue and Geoffrey couldn't travel.
I am perhaps short of friends.
Are you sure you didn't tell her anything about my husband? We did set forth together from Victoria Station and in the long hours she may have coaxed me to I think the word is 'blab'.
Oh, Auntie.
I've decided to leave you in peace.
Leave and go where? It's a monsoon.
Nevertheless She used a little thread to pull over the pan, look.
Thank you, Sherlock.
Sherlock Holmes.
Please read one book.
Come on, then.
Give me the stupid test.
So, it was Mrs Haddock who messed up my painting, just to spook us.
No, I think it was the donkey.
I've seen her licking paint.
Like me, nourished by art.
Ah, wait.
Leslie, I'm disappointed you hadn't asked me to contribute to the entertainment.
Oh, sorry.
So, I'd like to now.
I want to read a poem about your father.
And when it's over, we'll direct our eyes firmly on the future.
'They are not long, the weeping and the laughter, Love and desire and hate: I think they have no portion in us After we pass the gate They are not long, the days of wine and roses Out of a misty dream Our path emerges for a while Then closes, within a dream.
' Perfect.
Finally.
No people.
No animals.
And no indoor flooding.
(Right) And start now.
- Gerry? - Can you hear it? What? There's nothing.
No Birdsong.
Ah-ha! It's almost worth being cooped up for so long.
For God's sake, Gerry, come back up here and bloody learn something! (Ignore him, Gerry.
) What a strange couple of days.
Ah, I am so sorry I couldn't visit you.
I've spent the last 48 hours desperately trying - to save my olive crop.
- And did you? Just.
How have you been? Well er don't know where to start.
Larry's had his eyes glued to his genitals.
Oh.
Well that's something to do, isn't it? He's worried about infertility.
And we had a seance.
Oh, gosh.
Did er any dead people show up? No.
- Hugh! - Margo! Oh, and you missed Margo wearing a cabbage on her face.
- Oh, what a shame.
- Mm-hm.
I have a surprise for you all.
Especially you, Gerry.
Now, I have studied the Durrells and their household, and there is one thing missing.
- A Webley mk II air rifle? - A toilet inside the house? - Intellectual curiosity? - More animals.
Thank you! Oh, we still talk about Widdle and Puke.
- They were two puppies we had.
- Oh.
- We need a name.
- What about Leslie? No.
Look, Hugh, I'm worried about my Aunt Hermione.
She took off yesterday in the rain.
She told me she was lonely.
I'm sure she'll be fine.
She sounds like a tough old bird.
But that's a sham, isn't it? I mean, nobody's tough.
My husband seemed strong, and he couldn't be alone for more than half an hour.
But he is now.
Say hello to Thunder.
Hello, Thunder.
Good to be back in the haunted house.
Larry, how are the swellings? Under control, thanks.
Mrs Durrells, I bring you guests, again.
Louisa, my dear.
Having decided I'd be enough of a burden - No -- - On a whim, I stayed in a guest house, where I met Mr Anestis.
Kalimera.
Kalimera.
Kalimera.
So, have you have you got plans? No, I don't think that would be wise, do you? Let's take the days one by one.
One by one.
I feel very alive.
Ah, yes! Yes, so do we.
It's something about this place.
Shall we? Yes.
I hear that your Vasilia has caught the mumps.
Oh.
She didn't give it to me.
I should go and see her.
Still, at least I know I can make babies now.
- No, Larry, don't have a baby with Vasilia.
- Anybody else! - Goodbye, Durrells.
- Bye, Spiro.
Larry, wait, I'll give you a ride.
You'll need your energy.
Your spots look much better.
I thought you hadn't noticed them.
Ah.
Yes, I did say that.
Thank you.
Power of cabbage.
I want to look after you, my angel.
What did I say? My husband Lawrence used to call me that.
So erm is that all right? Yes, it is.
In fact, it's perfect.
You know, for the first time, I feel like I'm all yours.
Let's have a cricket match.
The Greeks will be thrashed, the British will be hated and it'll be my fault.
Oh, I feel like a doctor! - Play! - Yes! I tried so hard to make this a happy day! - Mum! - In you come.
What are you bloody doing? Propose to me!