The Family Law (2016) s02e04 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 4
Chinese weddings are insane.
You're obliged to invite heaps of people you barely know, and if you forget someone, it's a massive scandal and they totally hold a grudge.
And if you don't serve enough food or skimp on the budget or wear something controversial, everyone complains, your family's disgraced and you never live it down.
Chinese weddings are the best! Knock-knock.
What's all this? Haven't we finalised decorations? Yeah, but look! Do you like it? I got the idea from 'Raise the Red Lantern'.
That film where all the concubines go crazy and kill themselves? Yeah, but the styling! You know they'll look amazing.
Trust me.
We do.
Which is kind of why we're here.
As you know, Wayne and I decided not to do the whole bridal party thing.
It just buys into the stupid paradigms of gender binary.
Totally.
But then, I couldn't sleep last night.
- I was tossing and turning - Mainly tossing.
.
.
and realised you can't throw all tradition out the door.
So, this is totally last minute but Ben would you be our man of honour? [heavenly choir.]
I do.
Speed it up, people! Wayne's parents will be here any second.
First impressions have to be perfect.
You okay? Oh, sure.
One Nation heartland about to walk through my front door.
What could go wrong? - What is this? - It looks like dog food.
It's white people food.
It's supposed to look like this.
I'll get it! It's so good to finally meet you.
And look at your eyebrows! They're so thick and powerful.
Just like your dad's.
Mum! G'day, g'day! Welcome to the beautiful Sunshine Co Hello, hello.
'Ni hao, ni hao.
' Welcome to our home.
Danny warn me today, "Ming-Zhu, don't come.
" But I say, the sooner your family meet me, the sooner they will like me.
She's very persuasive.
We're here! Come on! Get involved.
Mum, Dad Meet your in-laws.
Your Law-in-Laws.
Which one's Gary? Oh, pleased to meet you! Wayne says many nice things about you.
[gravelly voice.]
G'day.
Lorraine.
And I'm Ming-Zhu.
I'm Danny's new girlfriend.
He trade up.
And I am fair dinkum Aussie Jenny-mum! Where Candy got her good looks and skin.
My secret? Three layers of moisturiser every night.
Also, be Asian! You know, some of my best friends are white people.
Oh, and I love white people music.
Delta Goodrem, Kylie Minogue - Oh, I love Kyles! - Little River Band.
I just love the decor.
Don't we, Lorraine? I mean, look at this.
We've got a whole collection of these at home.
He loves to collect stuff.
Oh, well, we love our country, just like you do.
- Aussie-Aussie-Aussie! - Oi-oi-oi! So, Wayne tells us that you own your own business.
The longest-running florist in Mt Isa.
And not just bouquets, but ikebana and twig arrangements too.
People think it's easy, but you really need a strong grip to get your hands around those faggots.
Well everyone loves flowers.
Did you work there too, Lorraine? No.
Pest control.
You mean cockroaches and spiders? More like possums, cats, feral pigs.
How do you get rid of pigs? Twelve-gauge shotgun.
Right between the eyes.
I also have my own business.
Asian groceries.
Very high-class.
Tam? - Dress - Who wants to hear about the dress? I've never understood the big deal about wedding dresses.
You only get to dress up once.
Tell us all about it.
You're going to love it, Gary.
We're giving a traditional style a modern twist.
We've based it off old-school Chinese dresses and sent them to Guangdong, where Dad was born, so it's super traditional.
Plus the labour is super cheap.
And we're getting it made in red! Red? Is that a bit risque? It's the Chinese traditional colour for good luck.
It's also the colour when you slit a pig's throat.
Excuse me, everyone! No wonder Wayne moved away.
That woman has one sour pussy.
His dad is interesting.
"White dress, white dress!" Why is white always best? I think for 'gweilo', it represents, you know virginity.
Jenny It's so good to see you laughing.
And you say she only nag, nag, nag.
Lorraine, you should come to our pre-wedding mani-pedi tomorrow.
You'd love it.
No.
A good soak and some Eulactol is all these puppies need.
Everyone We've got an announcement to make.
Your mum and I have got you something.
We were originally going to save it for your big day, but then I thought it'd be better to surprise you with it now.
Your mum and I have been putting aside money, and after months We've bought you a property.
It's just down the road from our place! You guys Mt Isa? They may as well move to North Korea.
Ai-ya, Gar-jer's not going anywhere.
But Gary and Lorraine spent all that money.
Hello? Get a refund! Everything's here.
Your Gar-Jer's university, Wayne's business And us.
It does sound like a bit of a hole.
Yes hell-hole.
I'm back! It took me ages to check Gary and Lorraine into the resort.
Gary kept complaining about the colour scheme.
- How did they take it? - What? That you're not going to Mt Isa.
We haven't talked about it yet.
What was I supposed to say? Easy.
Just say no.
Mum, you can't just say no straight away in front of everyone.
It's rude.
I would.
"Sorry, Gary and Lorraine.
Lead poison capital of Australia.
- "Good for you, not for me.
" - Yeah, maybe Mum has a point.
It's not that bad up there.
You guys haven't been.
You want to be surrounded by people like them? Mum, you don't know them.
They're being generous.
It'd set us up.
We'd be near family Not your family.
They're just trying to trap you.
Don't be stupid.
You know what, Mum? I'm an adult now, and I don't care if you think I'm stupid.
It's my life.
We're going to have to push make-up 30 minutes to have enough time for Lorraine's pig on a spit.
Delivery notification.
Dress arrives in an hour.
Thank God! I was getting worried.
You know it's five men to every woman in Mt Isa, right? Ben What if you walk down the street and get torn apart? That's not going to happen.
You're really thinking of moving? Maybe.
Ben, it's not that bad.
If I move, I'll visit heaps.
It's only a short flight.
It was my fault.
I didn't mean to make it sound like you're a slut.
Because you're not a slut.
I mean obviously.
You're like the opposite of a slut.
So I've gone from being a slut to frigid? Yes.
No.
- I'm an idiot.
- That's one thing we can agree on.
Andrew! I'm fucking with you.
You can fuck with me any time you like.
So, am I still invited to Candy's wedding, or am I too much of a massive ho-bag? You don't even like them! Now you want our daughter to live with them? I'm not saying that.
So you okay trusting your daughter to Goblin Gary and Bush-pig Lorraine? No! But what can we do? Trap Candy on the Sunshine Coast? Remember what you said when she got engaged? "Maybe we should support her.
" I was just talking the bullshit.
Your father let you marry me.
You tell her, if she goes, no money for wedding.
I'm not going to blackmail our children.
- Why not? I do it all the time! - Look, just stop stressing out.
Main thing is she's happy.
Mum! I look like a parachute! What's wrong? I triple-checked the measurements.
- Did you use centimetres or inches? - You used kilometres! - Maths isn't my strong suit.
- What kind of Asian are you? Don't worry, it'll be fine.
Mummy will fix everything.
Thanks, guys.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
Well, if you go to Mt Isa, you won't have Mummy or your brother.
Mum Ai-ya, I'm just saying.
Be sensible.
What about your studies? I can transfer.
Wayne's business? He started it there.
He has heaps of old clients.
What about your friends? I'll make new ones.
That's what I thought when your dad dragged me out to Australia.
Then you find out everyone already has friends, or they're racist, or they're Mum, it's a house! Gary and Lorraine are like kidnapper.
Tempt you with home deposit.
Surprise! You're their hostage.
- Mum! - Don't move! I will move wherever I want.
Newsflash, Mum.
I am not you.
You're the last person in this world I want to be.
Gar-jer Fine! If you think everything I do is so stupid, don't come to my wedding! Fine.
I won't.
Guys Guys! Guys, come on Hi! - You know, Tam - Not interested.
Tam, you don't have to like her.
Good.
Just because I like her doesn't mean I love you less.
Still don't like her.
You look perfect.
Let's go! - What's going on? - Where's Mum? - Gar-Jer banned her.
- What? She banned herself.
She stayed up all night fixing your dress.
Typical emotional blackmail.
Ah-neui - Dad - What do you want me to do? Go up there! Talk some sense into Mum.
Why would that work? Hurry up! Ooh, sorry! - Are we really not waiting? - I'm never getting married.
Hi, good to see you.
Uncle! Aunty! Aunty, long time no see.
Love that dress.
Bloody hell! You've got a lot of relatives.
I thought China had that one-child policy.
We're not actually related.
Chinese people just call our elders that out of respect.
Well, how do you tell who's who, then? So, for the tea ceremony, Candy and Wayne will kneel here and offer you each a cup of tea.
- Is there milk? - She can't stand black tea.
- Reflux - Then you each offer advice about marriage and then it's Dad and Mum's turn Gar-jer! So, what if Mum doesn't show up? Oh, I can step in.
I'm like your new mother anyway.
Except younger.
More like sister-mother.
Don't! It'll ruin your make-up.
What have I done? Do you want Mum to come or not? It's too late! I went too far.
You both did.
I didn't actually think she wouldn't come.
It's never too late, though.
Ben? Babe? I'm not coming out! Hey You can't stay in here forever.
Yes, I can.
Isn't that going to make married life a little bit difficult? It kind of reeks in here, babe.
You want to go and get some air? And if people start asking questions, I'll What? I will make some shit up.
You look perfect.
My make-up's munted.
You look better without it.
Liar.
Shall we? - Do we have to? - You don't have to go on your own.
You don't have to do anything on your own ever again if you don't want to.
Just Blow.
Mum, you have to come to the wedding! Gar-Jer's not angry with you any more.
And she started crying until I said she'd ruin her make-up so you have to come now! One word at a time.
She didn't mean all that hideous stuff she said, just like you didn't mean what you said.
She needs you, Mum.
- Mum, slow down! - I can't! These heels Mum! Okay, let's go.
We can make the wedding another day.
We'd have to forfeit the deposit and make everyone come back later.
It's okay.
People can wait.
Hey She's not coming is she? Babe, maybe maybe she's just slow.
I mean your Mum doesn't exercise much, and Ben nearly failed PE.
We can't make everyone wait forever.
She's not coming.
Let's just do it.
Are you sure? Thanks for your patience, folks, and sorry about the delay.
Sadly, the mother of the bride can't be with us today Excuse me, excuse me Long time, no see.
Oh, I like your dress.
Fabulous hairdo! Oh, nice tie! Oh, hello, hello! And I wish you both a happy, healthy and prosperous life together.
And remember Hard work doesn't guarantee success.
But you have to work hard to be successful.
But don't forget who you're working hard for, okay? And I'm glad your mum and I didn't put you off marriage.
Thank you.
First of all, Wayne, welcome to our family.
You're a brave man.
But if you ever treat Candy badly I will chop off your balls.
And my Candy Law Ngar-Yee My advice to you is don't let small fights become big.
Give each other space and independence.
That way you grow together, instead of growing apart.
And make sure you have plenty of sexy time.
After children you might be sore down there but you still have other holes.
And one last thing Your family loves you very much, wherever you are, no matter what.
Yeah, I've almost got that one going.
Yeah, that's - That's looking good, Mum.
- You think that's lit enough? - Yeah, you're a natural at this.
- You reckon? - Don't burn anything.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Thank you for putting sense into Mummy.
I am really sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Go.
Live your own life.
Thank you, Mum.
Come here, you.
Hey, you're squashing the lantern! Okay.
Time to let go.
I don't need to rely on you or any man.
Come on, Ming-Zhu! Your dad controls all the money.
No one wants to give me a job.
Mum, you should just give up.
Children, you have evil as a mother.
You [phone rings.]
Yes? What is it? You know I left rehearsal for this? It's opening night this week.
I'm not the one going behind my back with my new boyfriend Klaus! You just want to be the star! Well, if you're going to be like this, maybe I should be.
You're obliged to invite heaps of people you barely know, and if you forget someone, it's a massive scandal and they totally hold a grudge.
And if you don't serve enough food or skimp on the budget or wear something controversial, everyone complains, your family's disgraced and you never live it down.
Chinese weddings are the best! Knock-knock.
What's all this? Haven't we finalised decorations? Yeah, but look! Do you like it? I got the idea from 'Raise the Red Lantern'.
That film where all the concubines go crazy and kill themselves? Yeah, but the styling! You know they'll look amazing.
Trust me.
We do.
Which is kind of why we're here.
As you know, Wayne and I decided not to do the whole bridal party thing.
It just buys into the stupid paradigms of gender binary.
Totally.
But then, I couldn't sleep last night.
- I was tossing and turning - Mainly tossing.
.
.
and realised you can't throw all tradition out the door.
So, this is totally last minute but Ben would you be our man of honour? [heavenly choir.]
I do.
Speed it up, people! Wayne's parents will be here any second.
First impressions have to be perfect.
You okay? Oh, sure.
One Nation heartland about to walk through my front door.
What could go wrong? - What is this? - It looks like dog food.
It's white people food.
It's supposed to look like this.
I'll get it! It's so good to finally meet you.
And look at your eyebrows! They're so thick and powerful.
Just like your dad's.
Mum! G'day, g'day! Welcome to the beautiful Sunshine Co Hello, hello.
'Ni hao, ni hao.
' Welcome to our home.
Danny warn me today, "Ming-Zhu, don't come.
" But I say, the sooner your family meet me, the sooner they will like me.
She's very persuasive.
We're here! Come on! Get involved.
Mum, Dad Meet your in-laws.
Your Law-in-Laws.
Which one's Gary? Oh, pleased to meet you! Wayne says many nice things about you.
[gravelly voice.]
G'day.
Lorraine.
And I'm Ming-Zhu.
I'm Danny's new girlfriend.
He trade up.
And I am fair dinkum Aussie Jenny-mum! Where Candy got her good looks and skin.
My secret? Three layers of moisturiser every night.
Also, be Asian! You know, some of my best friends are white people.
Oh, and I love white people music.
Delta Goodrem, Kylie Minogue - Oh, I love Kyles! - Little River Band.
I just love the decor.
Don't we, Lorraine? I mean, look at this.
We've got a whole collection of these at home.
He loves to collect stuff.
Oh, well, we love our country, just like you do.
- Aussie-Aussie-Aussie! - Oi-oi-oi! So, Wayne tells us that you own your own business.
The longest-running florist in Mt Isa.
And not just bouquets, but ikebana and twig arrangements too.
People think it's easy, but you really need a strong grip to get your hands around those faggots.
Well everyone loves flowers.
Did you work there too, Lorraine? No.
Pest control.
You mean cockroaches and spiders? More like possums, cats, feral pigs.
How do you get rid of pigs? Twelve-gauge shotgun.
Right between the eyes.
I also have my own business.
Asian groceries.
Very high-class.
Tam? - Dress - Who wants to hear about the dress? I've never understood the big deal about wedding dresses.
You only get to dress up once.
Tell us all about it.
You're going to love it, Gary.
We're giving a traditional style a modern twist.
We've based it off old-school Chinese dresses and sent them to Guangdong, where Dad was born, so it's super traditional.
Plus the labour is super cheap.
And we're getting it made in red! Red? Is that a bit risque? It's the Chinese traditional colour for good luck.
It's also the colour when you slit a pig's throat.
Excuse me, everyone! No wonder Wayne moved away.
That woman has one sour pussy.
His dad is interesting.
"White dress, white dress!" Why is white always best? I think for 'gweilo', it represents, you know virginity.
Jenny It's so good to see you laughing.
And you say she only nag, nag, nag.
Lorraine, you should come to our pre-wedding mani-pedi tomorrow.
You'd love it.
No.
A good soak and some Eulactol is all these puppies need.
Everyone We've got an announcement to make.
Your mum and I have got you something.
We were originally going to save it for your big day, but then I thought it'd be better to surprise you with it now.
Your mum and I have been putting aside money, and after months We've bought you a property.
It's just down the road from our place! You guys Mt Isa? They may as well move to North Korea.
Ai-ya, Gar-jer's not going anywhere.
But Gary and Lorraine spent all that money.
Hello? Get a refund! Everything's here.
Your Gar-Jer's university, Wayne's business And us.
It does sound like a bit of a hole.
Yes hell-hole.
I'm back! It took me ages to check Gary and Lorraine into the resort.
Gary kept complaining about the colour scheme.
- How did they take it? - What? That you're not going to Mt Isa.
We haven't talked about it yet.
What was I supposed to say? Easy.
Just say no.
Mum, you can't just say no straight away in front of everyone.
It's rude.
I would.
"Sorry, Gary and Lorraine.
Lead poison capital of Australia.
- "Good for you, not for me.
" - Yeah, maybe Mum has a point.
It's not that bad up there.
You guys haven't been.
You want to be surrounded by people like them? Mum, you don't know them.
They're being generous.
It'd set us up.
We'd be near family Not your family.
They're just trying to trap you.
Don't be stupid.
You know what, Mum? I'm an adult now, and I don't care if you think I'm stupid.
It's my life.
We're going to have to push make-up 30 minutes to have enough time for Lorraine's pig on a spit.
Delivery notification.
Dress arrives in an hour.
Thank God! I was getting worried.
You know it's five men to every woman in Mt Isa, right? Ben What if you walk down the street and get torn apart? That's not going to happen.
You're really thinking of moving? Maybe.
Ben, it's not that bad.
If I move, I'll visit heaps.
It's only a short flight.
It was my fault.
I didn't mean to make it sound like you're a slut.
Because you're not a slut.
I mean obviously.
You're like the opposite of a slut.
So I've gone from being a slut to frigid? Yes.
No.
- I'm an idiot.
- That's one thing we can agree on.
Andrew! I'm fucking with you.
You can fuck with me any time you like.
So, am I still invited to Candy's wedding, or am I too much of a massive ho-bag? You don't even like them! Now you want our daughter to live with them? I'm not saying that.
So you okay trusting your daughter to Goblin Gary and Bush-pig Lorraine? No! But what can we do? Trap Candy on the Sunshine Coast? Remember what you said when she got engaged? "Maybe we should support her.
" I was just talking the bullshit.
Your father let you marry me.
You tell her, if she goes, no money for wedding.
I'm not going to blackmail our children.
- Why not? I do it all the time! - Look, just stop stressing out.
Main thing is she's happy.
Mum! I look like a parachute! What's wrong? I triple-checked the measurements.
- Did you use centimetres or inches? - You used kilometres! - Maths isn't my strong suit.
- What kind of Asian are you? Don't worry, it'll be fine.
Mummy will fix everything.
Thanks, guys.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
Well, if you go to Mt Isa, you won't have Mummy or your brother.
Mum Ai-ya, I'm just saying.
Be sensible.
What about your studies? I can transfer.
Wayne's business? He started it there.
He has heaps of old clients.
What about your friends? I'll make new ones.
That's what I thought when your dad dragged me out to Australia.
Then you find out everyone already has friends, or they're racist, or they're Mum, it's a house! Gary and Lorraine are like kidnapper.
Tempt you with home deposit.
Surprise! You're their hostage.
- Mum! - Don't move! I will move wherever I want.
Newsflash, Mum.
I am not you.
You're the last person in this world I want to be.
Gar-jer Fine! If you think everything I do is so stupid, don't come to my wedding! Fine.
I won't.
Guys Guys! Guys, come on Hi! - You know, Tam - Not interested.
Tam, you don't have to like her.
Good.
Just because I like her doesn't mean I love you less.
Still don't like her.
You look perfect.
Let's go! - What's going on? - Where's Mum? - Gar-Jer banned her.
- What? She banned herself.
She stayed up all night fixing your dress.
Typical emotional blackmail.
Ah-neui - Dad - What do you want me to do? Go up there! Talk some sense into Mum.
Why would that work? Hurry up! Ooh, sorry! - Are we really not waiting? - I'm never getting married.
Hi, good to see you.
Uncle! Aunty! Aunty, long time no see.
Love that dress.
Bloody hell! You've got a lot of relatives.
I thought China had that one-child policy.
We're not actually related.
Chinese people just call our elders that out of respect.
Well, how do you tell who's who, then? So, for the tea ceremony, Candy and Wayne will kneel here and offer you each a cup of tea.
- Is there milk? - She can't stand black tea.
- Reflux - Then you each offer advice about marriage and then it's Dad and Mum's turn Gar-jer! So, what if Mum doesn't show up? Oh, I can step in.
I'm like your new mother anyway.
Except younger.
More like sister-mother.
Don't! It'll ruin your make-up.
What have I done? Do you want Mum to come or not? It's too late! I went too far.
You both did.
I didn't actually think she wouldn't come.
It's never too late, though.
Ben? Babe? I'm not coming out! Hey You can't stay in here forever.
Yes, I can.
Isn't that going to make married life a little bit difficult? It kind of reeks in here, babe.
You want to go and get some air? And if people start asking questions, I'll What? I will make some shit up.
You look perfect.
My make-up's munted.
You look better without it.
Liar.
Shall we? - Do we have to? - You don't have to go on your own.
You don't have to do anything on your own ever again if you don't want to.
Just Blow.
Mum, you have to come to the wedding! Gar-Jer's not angry with you any more.
And she started crying until I said she'd ruin her make-up so you have to come now! One word at a time.
She didn't mean all that hideous stuff she said, just like you didn't mean what you said.
She needs you, Mum.
- Mum, slow down! - I can't! These heels Mum! Okay, let's go.
We can make the wedding another day.
We'd have to forfeit the deposit and make everyone come back later.
It's okay.
People can wait.
Hey She's not coming is she? Babe, maybe maybe she's just slow.
I mean your Mum doesn't exercise much, and Ben nearly failed PE.
We can't make everyone wait forever.
She's not coming.
Let's just do it.
Are you sure? Thanks for your patience, folks, and sorry about the delay.
Sadly, the mother of the bride can't be with us today Excuse me, excuse me Long time, no see.
Oh, I like your dress.
Fabulous hairdo! Oh, nice tie! Oh, hello, hello! And I wish you both a happy, healthy and prosperous life together.
And remember Hard work doesn't guarantee success.
But you have to work hard to be successful.
But don't forget who you're working hard for, okay? And I'm glad your mum and I didn't put you off marriage.
Thank you.
First of all, Wayne, welcome to our family.
You're a brave man.
But if you ever treat Candy badly I will chop off your balls.
And my Candy Law Ngar-Yee My advice to you is don't let small fights become big.
Give each other space and independence.
That way you grow together, instead of growing apart.
And make sure you have plenty of sexy time.
After children you might be sore down there but you still have other holes.
And one last thing Your family loves you very much, wherever you are, no matter what.
Yeah, I've almost got that one going.
Yeah, that's - That's looking good, Mum.
- You think that's lit enough? - Yeah, you're a natural at this.
- You reckon? - Don't burn anything.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Thank you for putting sense into Mummy.
I am really sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Go.
Live your own life.
Thank you, Mum.
Come here, you.
Hey, you're squashing the lantern! Okay.
Time to let go.
I don't need to rely on you or any man.
Come on, Ming-Zhu! Your dad controls all the money.
No one wants to give me a job.
Mum, you should just give up.
Children, you have evil as a mother.
You [phone rings.]
Yes? What is it? You know I left rehearsal for this? It's opening night this week.
I'm not the one going behind my back with my new boyfriend Klaus! You just want to be the star! Well, if you're going to be like this, maybe I should be.