The Fast Show s02e04 Episode Script

(QUIETLY) Hello.
Welcome to "Badger Watch".
(COUGHS) Excuse me.
We're expecting great things tonight.
The young badgers or badgerlets, as they are called, are just at the age when they're starting to venture forth from the set under the watchful eye, of course, of mum and dad.
What a privilege it is to be here tonight to see (COUGHS LOUDLY) He's gone.
Something must've frightened him off.
I'm sorry, but can we all be quiet, please? I cannot stress enough the importance of (COUGHS LOUDLY) .
.
silence.
Do me some ones in the change forth fag machine.
Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You don't wanna do that.
Give him the tenner back, right? You give him a fiver and the 50p, right? Give him that back.
So you take that and you just give him the three ones, right? Give him the three ones.
That's it.
Now, you give him 30, right? You give him the 10 bob back and you owe him, if I'm right, 22 pence.
That's wrong, innit? Sogive him 30 back.
Give him the 10 bob.
Put that away.
It's getting on my nerves.
– And you now need – I'm down.
Excuse me, mate, can you lend me a £2 coin? I'll give it back to you.
Double quick.
Come on.
There's your £2.
Fold your little hand up.
You're square, am I right? – No, I'm down.
– You're down.
In that case, you give him £1.
– Where's my two quid? – Nearby.
Terry (RADIO) ".
.
8.
33 on the Breakfast Show.
We're having a lot of fun.
"Well, let's have quite literally more fun with Oasis" (MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND) (OASIS) # You gotta roll with it, You gotta take your time, you gotta say # – Morning, darling.
I'm not pissed, you know.
– Morning, darling.
Neither am I.
I'll get you breakfast, darling.
(TURNS UP THE VOLUME) (MUSIC STOPS) (RADIO WHINES) I'm glad I'm not pissed.
I could've smacked my head on that.
Glass of orange juice.
Ah (COUGHS AND POPS LAGER TAB) Very refreshing.
Vitamin C, very important.
Morning, Mum.
Morning, Dad.
Morning, son.
Hello, my boy! My Sonny Jim! My lovely boy! I love you! – Done your homework, son? – Yeah, here you are.
I weren't pissed when I done it, Dad.
(DAD) It's very good.
Breakfast – most important meal of the day.
AhI've finished.
Delicious.
Better shut that door in case someone hits their head on it.
Right, wellwork! (SINGS DRUNKENLY) – All right, Granddad? Here's 10p.
– (GRANDDAD SNARLS) I'll drive.
(OLD MAN SINGS DRUNKENLY) I'mnotpissed! OK, soa pound, a pound, and two pence.
That's your £2, there's your two pence.
You fold up.
You're squits with him and you are squits with him.
You're still down so I'll do this.
I'll take 20 off you and give it to you.
– (MAN) I'm 10 quid down.
– Don't get out yer pram! I'm doing you a favour! – I'm down an' all.
– Lookthere's your 50, right? There's your 50.
Hold up a minute.
Rose! Rose, love, got any money in your purse? Couple of pound coins? Double quick, love.
What's that? A three penny bit? Should've taken it down the bank years ago! Give us two pound coins.
I'll give 'em back to you.
Got some idiots in here.
OK, so two quidfor you.
That's you done.
You now need a pound – Why didn't you let me give him his change?! – Oh, I see.
It's like that, is it? You do people a favour, they throw it in your face.
Pick it out of that lot! (SOPHISTICATED PIANO MUSIC) And so, mesdames, messieurs, faites vos jours, s'il vous plait.
C'est tout? Oui? Attention.
Pardonnez–moi, messieurs, mesdames.
Je suiserle Shite! I'll just go and get it.
Just wait there.
Bono estente! Dené "Lotto Lotto" e dua hoste a vici moste Pourtremos Poutra Poutremo! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) – Meo pusado! – (AUDIENCE SHOUT) Pusado meo! Hey! (QUICKENING MUSIC) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Bono estente, willkommen, bonjour, hello and goodbye to "Lotto Lotto"! (ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hey! OK, fallehilah, fallehileh, fallihileh! Chris Waddle.
Heth–heth–heth–heth–heth! E falia ming mit special guesta Poula Fisch! 'Allo, Poutremos! Scorchio! Scorchio! Mio de bobos sminki pinki te numeros tomano grabba da balls! – OK.
– (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Ermixa! – Mixa! – (BALL POPS UP) – O! – O! – Three! – Three! – Three–matosis.
– Three–matosis.
– Mixa–matosis! – Mixa–matosis.
Ah, cinc–cinci–cinquenta–cinquanta– chanco–chancachanca–cinquento–pentos.
Cinc–cinci–cinquenta–cinquanta– chanco–chancachanca–cinquento–pentos.
E tono numero bonus? Poula! – Jaxi! – Jaxi! This week, I are been mostly eatin' acorns.
OK, listen up, people! Concentrate.
Thank you.
Taking it as read that everybody saw the early edition of the FT this AM – alarming reports coming out of China.
There is a danger that our foothold there is gonna be eroded.
There was also the piece on "Newsnight" focusing on the Pacific Rim industries, which won't have helped, but there was a really good piece on "Animal Hospital" last night! – Oh, the little bunny! – Yeah! Wasn't it sweet?! I felt sorry for that little kitten with a cut paw! Alec, what's the matter? You bastards! I videoed that last night! I was really looking forward to watching it! (COUGHS LOUDLY) Hello.
Good evening, sir.
– You're looking radiant tonight, sir.
– Thank you.
Can I get a drink for you and your – ahem – wife, sir? – This IS my wife.
– Course she is, sir.
Suit you, sir.
– They always are, aren't they, sir? – No, she is.
– That's what sir always says, sir.
– I've never been here before.
– Oh, I see! Forgive me, sir.
I understand.
– That's all right.
May I recommend the halibut? May I say, sir, you're a very lucky man.
Your wife's a very beautiful lady.
Oh! Suit you, sir! Thank you.
Expect you can't keep your hands off her.
You bang her brains out, don't you, sir? I expect, after a heavy session, she looks like this in the morning, doesn't she, sir? – I beg your pardon? – The Coquilles Newburg is very good today.
– Erwhat's that? – Scallops.
Do you like shellfish, madam? Oh! Oysters! Suit you! Oh! – Do you chew or swallow? – I swallow.
– Suit you, sir? – So what about these scallops? The tenderest, juiciest scallops dropped into foaming butter, cooked lovingly and gently so they remain firm, plump and pinky–white.
– Ooooh! – Drizzle on brandy, Madeira.
– Oh, creme fraiche, truffles! Oh! Suit you! – Mmmmm! – Can we move on to the dessert? – Already there, sir! Frisson de Chocolat – layers of wafer–thin, silky Belgian chocolate Oh! Cappuccino ice–cream, double–whipped cream, caramel, Grand Marnier.
Oh, oh! Topped with candied black cherries and a dark, dark chocolate sauce! Oh! – Suit you! Oh! – Yes! What about today's special, then? Tongue, sir.
Right, day seven, the big one – mountaineering.
Here we are on the rock face – two lonely men against the mountain.
– (BAZ) Three! – Yeah, all right, Baz.
Three lonely men against the mountain, and what an unforgiving Jezebel of a mountain I–I'm stuck, Simon.
– What? I can't move.
– Put your hand to that handhold.
– What hold? – Above your head! – I can't see it.
– Why? – I can't see anything! – What do you mean, you can't see anything? – I've got rock blindness.
– There's no such thing as rock blindness! – I saw a programme about it.
– It's top–of–mountain fever.
– You're just bloody scared! – I'm not scared.
– Well, move your foot, then.
– There's a foothold just there.
– I can't, I can't, I'm scared! You are going to get us both stuck.
Remember, I'm attached to you.
– Don't fall off! – I'm not gonna fall off! It's all right, all right.
– I won't fall off.
I'm taking your hand – No! – I'll move it to the handhold.
– Don't let go! Oh, you great bloody pillock! Forget it! You pile of! You're a poof! SimonI'm cold, Simon! I've found it! (POSH VOICE) Hello, we're Cockneys.
Yes, that's right, Cockneys.
Ya! Both born hugger–mugger to the sound of Bow Bells.
That's right.
Is there a pie and mash shop round here? Grr–eat.
Welcome once again to "Jazz Club" and a departure from recent shows in that this week we're featuring a soloist.
Great.
We have the much admired Yolanda Ayres.
Yolanda has recently completed a tour of Malaysia.
Mmm! Not a part of the world associated with innovative jazz.
Yolanda tells me that when she tours, she takes her four–month–old daughter with her.
Nice.
So here's Yolanda now with a sideways look at the jazz standard "More Hoopla For My Moopla, Mr Ticket Man.
" Wonderful.
Yolanda.
We shall be victorious! We will slay those French dogs! Aye, we shall cut them down like so many sheaves of wheat! God is on our side! The French are devils! I dunno, they're not too bad.
Their soldiers are much better than ours.
Their dress sense is VASTLY superior to ours.
Their women are better looking, their cooking is brilliant and their language Ma jolie I'll get me cloak.
Hello, ladies.
All right? How's it goin'? 'Ere, can I interest you in perfume? Have a look at that? None of it's dodgy.
It's all kosher, all pukka, all nicked! I'll nick anything, I will.
I'm a little bit wa–a–ay, a little bit wurrrr! Wa–a–a–a–ay! Careful! Know what I mean? Introductions over.
What do you reckon? It's burning a hole in me bag! – No, all right? – No? All right, please yourselves.
See ya.
What are you doing?! I'm nicking your bag, darlin'.
I gotta make it up somehow, ain't I? – See ya! – He's nicked my bag! Genevieve's uncle died unexpectedly and left me all his yachts, and then Tamara came running home from Somerset House to tell me that I was a direct descendent of Kublai Khan .
.
which was nice.
Excuse me.
I wonder if you could help me.
I've heard that, no matter what number I put my chips on or what amount, if the ball stops on zero, all the chips on the table at that time go to the bank.
I wonder if you could tell me what the odds are on such an occurrence.
Weren't the Romans brilliant? They beat everyone in wars and had better helmets! But the most brilliant thing that Romans did was eat until they were full, then sick it up, and then start eating again.
It was long before bulimia had been invented.
They just did it for a laugh – like rugby players.
Aren't rugby players fantastic? In't Will Carling posh? The Romans, yeah, beat the whole world at war, except there wasn't much of a world to beat.
No Americans or Japs or Egyptians.
Cleopatra – fantastic! She died when a snake crawled up her arse! You'd think someone would've noticed! And then they buried her in a pyramid.
Aren't pyramids fantastic?! How do they build 'em? They had it on that programme "How Do They Do That?" where they show you how they do do it, how they do do that .
.
how do they do do that! Now, Des Lynam, I do like.
(COUGHS) Bob, take some of this cough mixture, 'cause the coughing is frightening them off.
– Oh, really? – Yeah.
Shh! If you think so, that's a good idea.
(GARGLES LOUDLY) Any sign of 'em? – Could we have two glasses of house wine? – Certainly, sir.
The white or the red? Erwhat are they like? Well, the white's an Australian chardonnay.
It's very light, quite fruity.
The red? The red represents the blood of Jesus Christ who died on the cross for all our sins.
– Toby, are we on the right road or aren't we? – Look, why don't you let me map–read? – No, they've got to learn.
– We're completely lost.
We are not completely lost.
The signpost said Dusseldorf 20km.
Essen cannot be far away.
There's a man coming down the road.
Can we ask him? That's a good idea, yes.
Right, Toby, ask him the way to Essen.
Don't be shy.
– Do you know the way to Essen? – In German! – He doesn't speak German.
– I don't do German at school, I do French.
Good time to learn.
I speak five languages.
– Well, why don't YOU ask him? – It is OK, I can speak English.
– Go on, Toby, ask him.
– Do you know the way to Essen, please? It is quite simple.
You must follow zis road along THIS road, Toby, tell him THIS road.
– Pardon? – Tell him it's THIS road, not ZIS road.
– He's trying to help us.
– Yes, indeed.
And I'm trying to help HIM.
– Go on, Toby, tell him it's not ZIS road.
– It's not ZIS road.
It is zis road and you must come along until you come to a chunction – There is a junction! – Vot? Tell him it's a JUNCTION! And it's not "vot", it's "pardon"! – It's a junction.
– Ja, there is a chunction.
– And as I am saying, here you must turn – As I WAS saying, as I WAS saying.
– Was saying.
– Vot were you saying? – He wasn't saying anything, YOU were! – What did I say? You said "as I AM saying", not "as I WAS saying".
– I do not understand.
– Toby, you have lost control of the situation.
I ask you to stand aside.
Now, YOU, beardy, here.
How can any English tourist understand what you're saying if you cannot grasp Come on.
This week, I are been mostly eatin' timbales.
Hello.
Colin Hunt.
I'm an astronaut! (LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY) No, no, it's Arthur Hunt.
No, seriously, it is Colin and I'm a stuntman! Ahhhhh! Don't worry, didn't feel a thing! Oooh! No, I work forth council, yeah, as a ninja warrior! (MAKES NINJA WARRIOR SOUNDS) "Ying tong iddle I po!" No, actually, I'm in resource management.
Yes, Peking County Council! (LAUGHS INANELY) Costs me a bloody fortune every day in bus fares! No! Oh, stupid joke! Oh, stop that, you silly man! Slap your wrist! What was I thinking of? Let's all calm down, shall we, and start again! Rewind, eh? (HIGH–PITCHED REWINDING) Hello.
Hunt, Colin Hunt, super–spy! Hah hah hah! Had you going there, eh? Oh, dear, no.
As I say, I am in resources management and I live in the moon! Right inside it! Yeah! Is that cheese? I don't know.
Gorgonzola, Camembert, Edam! No, I live in Chiswick, actually.
In a castle! No, I've got a very nice house.
Just done it up.
Did the old master bedroom entirely in blood! Yes, sacrificed a virgin! (HIGH–PITCHED SQUEAKING) (LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY) No, it wasn't a virgin, it was the wife! She hasn't been a virgin for, ooh, a good five minutes! You know those railings that go round your house? Iron railings.
– Yes.
– No, neither do I! Hah hah hah! 'Cause I live in a flatarea.
Very flat for miles around.
Flat.
– Sorry, bad joke.
What was I thinking off? – (MAN WHOOPING) I wouldn't mind some of what he's on! Ho ho! Esmeralda! The bells, the bells! Sanctuary! Ah, some nibbles! If you like cheese, if you like peas, you'll love Cheezy Peaz! Well, you'll go mad for these – new Skweezy Cheezy Peaz! Tea's a breeze with Skweezy Cheezy Peaz! So come on, mams, make it easier, make it cheesier, make it peasier, make it squeezier with new Skweezy Cheezy Peaz! Available in traditional and now new strawberry flavour! – Douze rouge.
– Oh, that's me, that's me! Congratulations.
I don't know why I bother.
Luck's not been in all night.
Excuse meit's in 17.
He's right, you know.
– I had four on the black and four – One at a time.
– I had four! – One at a time.
The brown – I had four on the black – Tell you what we'll do Sorry, love.
– We'll start with taking these – No, I want them! Now look what you've made me do! Don't worry about that.
It's my first night.
Let's try again.
Come on.
Do you know what, right, I really love midwives, right? When I were havin' me baby Chelsie, the midwife were great! She didn't flinch and she were looking at me down–below bits for hours.
My baby Chelsie had this cord attached to it and the other end were stuck to me.
I thought, "Oh, no, what am I gonna do now?" but the midwife just cut it off straight away.
She seemed to know what she were doing baby–wise, but, oh, you know what, right? When they handed me Chelsie, I was really repulsed.
It was just so wrinkly.
But t'midwife, she went, "No, give her a chance.
She'll fill out.
" And she has.
Everyone says she's the spit of meonly a lot younger.
That looks like a nice spot for our picnic.
Over there.
I think I can hear a chaffinch up in the tree.
Hello! Those Scotch eggs look nice! What a lovely day, Ted.
I'm having a lovely time.
Ah, Ted, I'd never noticed bef Not that I meant to notice, Ted.
But the scar on your neck – how did you come by that? – Got burned – I bet it's – Go on, Ted.
– I got burned in a fire, sir.
Fire? What a life you've led! I don't really like to talk about it, sir.
Happened when I was a young man.
I had started a new job at the big house.
It caught fire, sir.
It was a terrible thing.
Terrible confusion, people running about.
Well, the Earl got out, but then the nursemaid said that she'd left a little child, a baby boy .
.
in the nursery.
With no thought to my own safety, I dashed into the building and fought my way up the stairs, choking on the smoke.
It was the closest thing to a vision of hell I've ever seen.
But I found the little fella crying his heart out in his cot and I snatched him up in my arms and dashed back out into the inferno.
There were splitting flames and crashing brickwork everywhere, sir.
I got to the door and a timber crashed down and caught me in the back of the neck and sent me to the floor.
I crawled out, sir, and collapsed outside on the floor with the child safe in my arms.
I fainted away.
Didn't wake up for a week, sir.
– That little boy, he grew up – It was me, wasn't it, Ted? It was me! No.
We wanted to see if we could harness the powerful gamma rays that occur naturally in the Earth's atmosphere, so Dave and I built this headset out of ordinary household objects.
Things you'd find in an everyday house or home.
We'll switch on the light.
It's very important.
And now we shall proceed to pull the lever.
(ELECTRICAL SIZZLING) Dave, man, you gotta have a go on this! It's a gas! Phew! Nearly there! Not much longer! Come on! Good gir Does my bum look big in this? – Cheerio! – Cheerio! – We're off to Southend.
– For our holidays.